A Series of Rather Awkward Ed-vents
Episode 2: The Ed Strikes Back
For the thirtieth time, Eddy checked his watch. He banged angrily on Ed's bedroom door. "Hurry up in there, Lumpy! We were suppose to met Double D an hour ago."
"Almost done Eddy-monkey."
Just as Eddy was about to kick the door in, it swung open and out leapt a creature with white hair and blazing red robes. The creature stood menacingly over Eddy, holding a rusty katana in one long nailed hand, it dog ears perked eagerly forward. Eddy could only scream like a frightened little girl.
"Wow! You must really like my costume!" big Ed chirped, fixing his wig with one hand while he scooped his whimpering friend up with the other. "I made it myself, right down to the articulating ears and the Tessaiga."
"And just what are you? Some kind of werewolf?"
"Nope! Boy, Eddy, you sure are dumb. I am Inuyasha, a dog han'yō from feudal Japan who is on a quest for the Scared Jewel shards to thwart the evil schemes of Naraku and for the sake of his beloved."
"Whatever, Lumpy" grumbled Eddy as he stomped upstairs. "C'mon, monobrow, let's go get Sockhead."
Sheathing the Tessaiga, Ed happily chased after Eddy on all fours. It took them almost thirty minutes to make the short walk over due to Ed's 'mighty need' to sniff every hydrate and tree they passed. Finally, they arrived and one severely annoyed Eddy rang the bell, watching in disgust as Ed scratched his doggy ears.
"Greetings, young Eddy. I have been waiting for you…" rasped Darth Vader as he stepped out onto the porch, causing yet more girly screaming from Eddy.
Vader laughed then pulled off his faceplate, revealing Edd's smirking face. "Happy Halloween."
"Holy fucking shit!" Eddy gasped, clutching his chest. "You nearly gave me a god damn heart attack! Why the hell did you dressed up like that! You know Darth Vader still scares the crap outta me."
"Well, excuse me! It was your idea that this year we all dress up like movie characters…Which, as I see, you failed to follow through with…"
Eddy huffed up and flipped the collar up on his bomber jacket. "Shows what you know, Dork Vader. I'm Maverick from Top Gun. After all," he purred, putting on a pair of aviator shades. "I do look like Tom Cruise."
Double D rolled his eyes. "Well, you certainly are the same height…" He put the faceplate back and strode with a threatening dignity down the sidewalk. "Come. We are expected at the home of Nazz for this evenings festivities. We have not the time to spare for you to loiter here and indulge your petty vanity."
"Geez…" hissed Eddy as he and Ed trotted after their friend. "Do you really have to wear that thing?"
"Hush, Eddy!" Ed whispers tersely in his friend's ear. "Can't you see that Double D is in character?"
Eddy raised an eyebrow at the taller boy, but kept his smart-ass comments to himself.
The trio made it to Nazz's with relatively no incidents, except for Ed's insistence on running along the top of fences and leaping from tree limbs and lampposts.
"Hi, guys!" breezed Nazz, looking stylishly cute in her Princess Leia costume as she let them in. "Cool costumes."
"Thank you." Edd rasped and quickly marched past her without waiting on the other Eds.
"Whoa. What's up with Doubled, Eddy?" Nazz asked, turning to the boy with a sweetly confused and concerned expression. "That was Double D, right?"
"Yeah, that was Sockhead all right."
"So what's the matter? He seems mad about something…"
Eddy smirked slyly. "That's classified."
"What?"
"Classified. I could tell, but then I'd have to kill you," joked Eddy as he gave Nazz his best fighter-jock grin. His heart and ego swelled when Nazz giggled at his macho-ness.
"Hey Nazz, this dweeb buggin' you?" Kevin asked, adjusting the visor of his armor as he put his arm around her shoulders.
"It's cool, sweetie. Well, see you guys later." With a melting little smile, she turned and led Kevin back to the party.
Eddy glared after his rival. "That dirty rotten, tin-can wearing son of a…"
"Look! There's PUNCH and PIE, Eddy!" shouted big Ed as he grabbed hold of his buddy's arm and galloped to the refreshment table. He gleefully dove headlong into the punch bowl, lapping it up in sloppily gulps.
"Damn, Ed! You're a real animal," laughed Eddy, his Kevin-hating momentarily forgotten in the amusement of seeing the big lug acting like a badly trained puppy. He leaned up against the wall next to Ed, keeping cool as he scanned the room for Double D. Old Sockhead had been acting weird lately—well, weirder than usual—and it was starting to get to him. Since they'd gotten the car, Double D began having these frightening mood swings. One second, he was his regular anxiety-ridden yet goofy self, and then-BAM! Sockhead would go off into some bizarre little angst world, moping and losing his temper at any little thing. Eddy could recall that just last week Double D practically had poor Ed in tears—and all because the lump had asked him to come watch Ed at wrestling practice.
Eddy just couldn't understand why Sockhead had gotten his little panties in a twist over it. Okay, so maybe watching Lumpy and Rolf rolling around the gym floor in spandex unitards was the stuff of nightmares but the uniforms weren't Ed's fault. Besides, Rolf was so damn hairy that it looked like he was in a bear suit anyway. And wasn't it Double who encouraged the big lump to try out for the wrestling team in first place, spouting some crap about it being a 'classical sport'?
"Hey, Lumpy," Eddy asked in a moment of sudden curiosity. "What was it about those Babylonian guys and inventing wrestling?"
Ed dropped the pie pan he was gnawing on and turned to Eddy with an abnormally intelligent expression on his face. "Correction Eddy: it was the Ancient Greeks who made wrestling a standardized sport. They even came up with the Olympics Games, a series of competitions held in honor of the god Zeus. And did you know that the 'gym-' in 'gymnastics' means 'nude' because all male athletes in Ancient Greece used to play sports naked?"
Lowering his shades, Eddy stared in shock at Ed's unexpected display of brilliance. It was then that big Ed let loose an explosive belch right in his buddy's face and gleefully dove headlong into a platter of brownies. Eddy turned away with a disgusted frown. "Well, that didn't last…"
"Hiya Eddy!" chirped Jonny 2x4, popping up from nowhere dressed up like a certain megalomaniacal alien Invader. "Fun party, huh?"
"Oh yeah," Eddy grumbled moodily. "It's a real blast."
Leaning over as if to listen to something his faithful board had said, Jonny looked up at Eddy. "Plank says you look upset about something… Hey! Where's Double D? You having another fight?"
"No! We…eh, Ed just wanted some punch and I tagged along to make sure he wouldn't get lost. Right, Ed?" He quickly jabbed the taller teen in the ribs.
"But Eddy, I thought Darth Vader ditched us because you were too busy staring down the front of Princess Leia's dress."
"That was Double D!" Jonny barked in horror. "Oh man! You were right, Plank! He has gone over to the Dark Side! We've got warn the Rebels…"
Before Jonny could escape, Eddy grabbed him up by the head. "Not so fast, walnut head! Tell us where you saw Double D!"
"NEVER, IMPERIAL SCUM!"
"No Eddy! You're doing it all wrong." Taking Jonny from Eddy's grasp, Ed sat the frightened boy down and did his best to look solemn. "Calm yourself, young Padawa. Eddy and I mean you no harm. For you see, we were sent by Master Obi-Wan to track down the Sith Lord that we may discover the nefarious plans of the Emperor. Will you not aid us in our mission?"
"My apologizes, master Jedi. Vader is outside, no doubt waiting for a messenger from Palpatine himself. May your mission be a success, my friends." With that, Jonny 2x4 turned and left.
"Thank you. And may the Force be with you, Jonny."
"Damn! I wish V would've given me a 'Geek-to-English' translation for this episode…"Eddy grunted, following Ed toward the back door. They found Double D right where Jonny said, standing in the shadows of Nazz's back patio with his back to them and staring up at the stars.
Angrily, Eddy stomped up to him. "All right, Dork Vader! What the hell is your problem? Me and Ed not good enough for you to hang with now anymore?"
Double D turned and seemed to glower down at Eddy. "There was so much grammatically wrong with that sentence that I can't even begin to formulate a coherent response."
"You know what I meant!" Eddy snapped. "And take that stupid mask off! It's giving me the creeps, Double D."
"No. I think I shall keep my mask on for the rest of the evening, Eddy. I doubt I'll stay much longer anyway… Now, why don't you and Ed go back to the festivities? wah-shhh I'm sure you'll be wanting to make another futile attempt at winning over Nazz's affections with more of your inane and egocentric posturing."
"Fine! Who needs you! C'mon Lumpy, let's—Hey! Where'd Ed go?"
They both turn just in time to see their dumb friend disappearing over the fence in pursuit of one rather terrified raccoon.
"Oh for the love of…" Sighing in annoyance, Edd started off after big Ed. "Come on Eddy, we have to catch him before the poor lovable oaf gets hurt!"
"Way ahead of you, Dork Helmet!" Eddy hollered, charging past Double D in hot pursuit. He made it as far as Rolf's backyard before Edd suddenly grabbed him by the collar and yanked him behind the chicken coop. "Hey! What the hell gives Sock-mmmph!"
"Be quiet, Eddy" rasped Double D, pulling his hand away from the boy's mouth. He then pointed toward a heavily robed figure bearing a bundled up rug. They watched the figure as it sat its burden gently by a hole in the ground before dropping to its knees to unwrap the dead body of Victor. The figure pulled back its to reveal that it was Rolf, his face wet with grief ridden tears as he lowered the body into the hole.
"Okay. Why the fuck is Stretch crying over the goat?"
Double D gave him yet another angry glare. "Eddy, I find your lack of faith disturbing. Surely you cannot be so callous as to mock that sacred bond between a young man and his beloved pet. To Rolf, given the rustic culture his people come from, Victor must have been practically a member of the family! You can't even begin to understand the anguish Rolf feels at being parted from his most trust companion by the cruel bleak gulf of death. What makes it even more tragic is that we, his friends, have forsaken him in this most troubled time to go make merry at some stupid party, never once concerning ourselves with his well-being."
"Is that helmet cutting off the circulation to your brain, Sockhead? It's a funeral for a fucking goat! I'm not blowing Halloween Night sitting out here while Rolf prattles on about that fucking monster's life."
Beside himself with righteous fury, Double D was about to snarl at Eddy when he caught sight of Ed stalking toward a very preoccupied Rolf as the latter shoveled earth into the grave. Seeing Ed crouching down to pounce, Double D hurriedly tried to get his attention. "No! Don't you dare—"
But he was too late.
With an ungodly roar, Ed sprang into the air and sent Rolf reeling onto Victor's grave.
"FOUL HELL-BEAST!" screamed Rolf, leaping up to do battle with the playfully eager Ed. "YOU SHALL NOT TAKE THE SOUL OF VICTOR THIS NIGHT!"
Eddy collapsed in a fit of laughter as he watched the fight. "Atta' boy, Lumpy! Looks like things are starting to get fun, eh Double D?"
"SIT BOY!" shouted Edd, knocking the still snorting Eddy aside as he stormed toward the obediently sitting boy. "That is a very, very bad boy!" He turned to Rolf with a little apologetic cough. "Please forgive his intrusion. He tends to get caught up in the moment."
"The Dark Huntsman…" gasped Rolf, eyes wide in superstitious fear. In a burst of frantic tears, he falls to ground and grabs hold of Double D waist. "Rolf begs you as the humble son of a shepherd to not take the soul of poor Victor to feast upon in you ghoulish halls of blood and torment! Take Rolf's soul instead! Take Rolf instead and spare Victor such a horrible fate!"
"What! This is a mistake! I'm not… I… Eddy, help me!" Double D's voice warbled in pants and wheezes while he struggled to break free of Rolf's viselike grip.
"Okay…okay…"panted Eddy, breathless with laughter. But before he could say anything, Ed tromped over and pried Rolf loose.
"Do not fear for Victor's soul, Rolf! For he was as good a goat as the cul-de-sac has seen and therefore shall be reward with an afterlife in the lush green fields of summery Arcadia, land of the golden fleeced sheep and honey-eyed goat-ewes."
Rolf turned his reddened eyes toward the still wheezing Double D. "Is…is it true, oh Dreadful Taker of Evil Souls?"
Breathing heavily, Edd nodded his head gravely.
"Thank you for your most gracious mercy, He Who Haunts the Unhallowed Places! You have the undying gratitude of this humble, unworthy son of a shepherd." Rolf sobbed, retreating at a quick but revert pace back into the safety of his house.
"'Night Rolf!" barked Ed.
"Now that was a real hoot! By the way, nice touch with the breathing there, Double D." Eddy chuckled, clapping his still panting friend's shoulder. When Edd didn't respond or quit wheezing, Eddy turned on him. "Okay, joke's over. Could you stop with the Vader act? It's bugging the shit out of me…"
"Can't…breath!…my…inhaler gasp-suck… having an asthma attack…" Edd began, then he keeled over face first into the ground.
…
…
"Eddy…" Ed spoke, leaning over the couch. "I think he's coming back around…"
Groaning, Double D sat up and looked around at his friends in a daze. "Wah-what happened?"
"You blacked out, genius." Eddy grumped. "Me and Lumpy had to drag you halfway across the cul-de-sac before we got back to your house. Geez…you know you weigh a fucking ton, don't you?"
Edd laughed weakly. "Thank you, Eddy." He stood and walked them to door. "Sorry for ruining your Halloween…"
"Ah, don't worry about it. It was a bust anyway…. By the way, it-was-really-nice-what-you-did-for-Rolf…" Eddy added in a quick burst of civility. "Well, we'll see you later, Sockhead."
"Bye, Double D!"
Smiling oddly, Edd waved goodbye to his friends and shut the door.