Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion or any of its characters.
&
The disclaimer from last chapter applies because the problems linger into this one too. Of course.
A/N: this chapter should only really get to you if you sit and think about it. Some parts have a look into some of the problems the characters have that make them seem darker than they really are. I don't know how else to put it really. And if you don't wanna feel depressed then just think happy thoughts. Now read on peoples.
---------
Chapter 10: trust or treachery
Toji was about to call a taxi, but just remembered he had forgotten his hat that his sister had picked out for him. He wasn't about to forget that at school. "Where the hell did I leave that thing?"
++
Rei held on to Shinji with desperation. She couldn't believe that this could be the end of his life.
"Shinji, you told me to never say goodbye. Please Shinji..." Shinji's body was cold to the touch now. Rei just closed her hands around his deep incision on his arm and cried, not knowing what else to do.
Toji walked in not expecting anything of what he saw. First thing that he noticed was Rei was in the men's restroom. "Hey Rei what the hell are you... oh my god... I'll get help!" Toji then ran out screaming for the nurse and telling people to get an ambulance.
Rei sat and waited, occasionally saying Shinji's name in between her sobs in an effort to get him to say something in return. If it wasn't for her iron grip on him he would have surely been dead already. "Help is coming Shinji. Help is coming."
Toji was at the head of the pack of people and medical staff that ran in the room. They swarmed Shinji, and right away and were able to see what happened. Rei still held on to him while they were putting him on a stretcher. A medical person looked at Rei and said, "miss, you have to let go now. You've slowed the bleeding enough." Rei still stared at Shinji as she released his arm and watched the paramedic start his treatment.
Rei followed staying as close to Shinji as possible while they were wheeling him out. Toji and the rest of the student body that were there, followed along as well to see what was happening. The paramedic said, "Only one person can ride along with him."
"I will go with him." Rei said to the paramedic as she got in the back of the ambulance. She hadn't taken her eyes of Shinji the whole time. She wanted a sign of life to return. She desperately needed him to live, without him she would be incomplete again.
The paramedics had stabilized Shinji fairly quickly, thanks to Rei's efforts. The paramedic asked Rei what the boy's name was. "Shinji Ikari," she said, still not taking her eyes off Shinji.
The paramedic looked surprised when she said his name, he mumbled under his breath, "the third huh?"
Rei could only feel uneasy as the paramedic leaned over to the driver and whispered something into his ear. Promptly they changed direction and were now headed in the general direction of NERV. She gently placed her hand over his as they sped towards their destination.
+++++Inside the recovery room+++++
Rei was not permitted to stay with Shinji when he was being operated on and checked over. She was told that he would make it, but she always had her doubts when it came to something she cherished.
She sat and waited for him to be transferred into the room. Her fear had closed her off from the outside world completely. She was in the state of mind that she felt safest in, a place where no one could hurt her or command her. In her mind she wasn't even present to the real world.
To someone else, all that could be seen was a young girl in a school uniform, covered in blood. She was holding herself and ever so slightly rocking back and forth in a chair next to the bed they were to put Shinji on. It was a very disturbing sight.
The weight of Shinji's suffering was being felt not only by him, but her too.
=Shinji has defended me against the angels, and the commander. He has made me feel warm, and even...smile. The injuries caused by the commander to me had visibly shaken him and I believe that it is at least an indirect result for his attempt to kill himself. I do not feel complete without him. I am sorry for what I have let him see of me. All I have done to him is hurt him...I do not know what to do anymore.=
Rei then began to come out of her daze she was in. She had to unclench her fist because she was griping her blouse so tight that her hands were now sore. She was also grinding her teeth, which made her jaw sore as well. She could now believe her thoughts of being incomplete without Shinji was so right.
Before Rei could acknowledge her surroundings she heard voices talking. Slowly coming back to reality she saw Asuka and Misato standing at the door staring at her with a frightened and confused look on their faces.
Rei's only response to them was a stare that was seemingly going through them.
"You look like you need some rest Rei. Maybe I should take you home for a bit so you can at least change." Misato said with as much compassion as she could. She knew that Rei was almost as close to her breaking point as Shinji was. Asuka on the other hand was not one to show compassion.
"What the hell's wrong with you wonder girl. Stop worrying about Shinji. He did this to himself. You should have let that baka do what he wanted, he would have been better off."
Misato looked at Asuka like that was the worst thing she had ever heard anyone say. Misato would never imagine anyone to say something like that as if it were a casual conversation.
Asuka's comment certainly got Rei's attention. She looked at her with such hate Asuka had to look away from her. Misato pushed Asuka out of the room and closed the door quickly. Turning back around she saw that Rei had fallen to her knees. She was staring at the floor as put her arms around herself again. Misato walked closer to her and knelt next to her.
Misato was never good at saying the right things to cheer people up. She was afraid that she would always make matters worse, so most of the time she tried to stay out of other people's emotional affairs. This time she didn't think that it could get much worse.
"Rei listen..."
Rei interrupted Misato.
"I wished to help Shinji. I have saved him, have I not?" Rei looked desperately at Misato now.
"Of course you did Rei. If it weren't for you Shinji would have been... I'm just glad that he's ok. And you have to realize that what you did was the greatest thing anyone could do for someone."
"Is what pilot Soryu said true though? I should have let him be? Is it not what he wanted?"
"Listen Rei. What Asuka said was wrong in everyway. Don't listen to her. And Shinji doesn't know what's best for him. If he did he wouldn't have done what he did. You know what I'm saying?"
Rei looked as if she wasn't listening. She wanted to answer her own questions before she even thought of Misato's.
"I do not want Shinji to die. I would die protecting him, even if it is from himself."
Misato knew that Rei couldn't possible be left alone. They were going to keep Shinji under some form of observation, but there was no way that they would do the same for Rei. She wouldn't let herself be away from Shinji for long though.
Misato's cell phone rang just then. "I'll be right back Rei. I need to take this. You wait right here." She said as she was practically picking Rei up to put her in the chair.
Rei simply accepted Misato's help with her blank stare still on her face. She sat, still holding herself, again with a slight rock back and forth. "What causes such pain and misery?"
++
After thirty minutes on the phone, Misato went back in to talk to Rei about what she believed was good news. It was as if the commander was reading her thoughts and called to make it and order.
Misato's smile left her face when she saw that Rei hadn't moved a muscle from the last time. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. But now it was an order from the top, she couldn't back down now.
"Good news Rei. You and Shinji are gonna be moving in with me. They want someone to keep Shinji under watch for a while and I don't think you could stand to be away from him for long."
"...Is this true?"
"Yeah Rei. As soon as Shinji is able to leave there gonna drop him of at my place. His things are already being moved there. Yours too."
"Understood." Rei said with relief. She felt better that she was being accepted for whatever the reason. Being alone was never something she liked. Even if she didn't think that living with others would be easy, it would be beneficial.
"Ok then. How bout now I take you home so you can shower at least."
"Is that an order?"
"Of course not Rei. But I really wish that you would come home. As soon as they can they'll bring Shinji."
"Then I wish to wait here for Shinji"
"Then it's an order." Misato said with a smile on her face.
"Very well." Rei said as she got up and walked to the door. Misato followed her not knowing if joking with Rei was the best thing to do under the current circumstances. But at lest she got her to do what she wanted her to do.
+++++In Misato's car+++++
"You know Rei, you really have to lighten up. Everything is gonna be fine. And now you have me to talk to."
"What shall I speak with you about?"
"Uhh... anything you need advice on or stuff like that. And don't be afraid of expressing your emotions a bit here and there."
"I do not know how. And I am not yet familiar..." Rei stopped in mid sentence because she realized that she was talking too much with Misato. She did not know her very well and didn't know if the information that she gave her would be used as information for the commander.
"Come one Rei. At least tell me how you feel right now."
"I feel that this is an unnecessary conversation." She said as she turned her head to stare out the window.
The rest of the ride was hindered by an uncomfortable silence. Misato wasn't mad that Rei couldn't trust her. She knew that she didn't trust many people if any at all. Rei would take time to get to know personally. She just hoped that it would happen before anything unfortunate was to happen.
+++++NERV's hospital wing+++++
In the recovery room laid Shinji. He was just coming back into consciousness. "I hate this ceiling," was all he could say, trying to remember why he was there.
He looked at his arm and studied all the stitches he had received. He noticed that he had large bruises on his arm in the shape of fingers around his cuts. "Rei..."
The door slowly opened and a nurse looked at Shinji with surprise as she spoke to him. "Oh Mr. Ikari, I was supposed to tell you once you were awake that you have a change of residence effective as soon as your able to be checked out."
"Where am I living then?"
"Captain Katsuragi's residence. You should be able to leave within the hour. Good day Mr. Ikari." The nurse said as she picked up a clipboard and left.
"Now they're gonna keep an eye one me. At last someone other than Rei will notice what I do now," Shinji laughed to himself. He then felt depressed realizing he would not be living as close to Rei as he had been. The one person he actually cared for. =I need to see Rei, and apologize to her as soon as possible. She didn't deserve to see me like that.=
Shinji stood up, felt light headed and sat down again. "I might have to talk to her tomorrow. I need some more rest."
He got up slowly this time and walked over to the door to see two NERV security guards waiting for him.
"This way Shinji Ikari."
+++++Misato's apartment+++++
"Ok Rei, since Asuka doesn't want to share a room with anyone your gonna be bunking with Shinji. And before you get any ideas there are twin beds and an extendable screen separating the room in half. Oh and by the way all yours and his stuff are already in the room. Any objections?"
"I find it suitable."
"Good. I'll need you to help me keep an eye on Shinji since Asuka won't. Plus he's more comfortable with you than anyone I know. He's gonna need people to fall back on and we're all he's got. Any questions?"
"No."
"Ok then go take a shower and then I'll have Asuka come out of her room so you and I can tell her what's up."
"That will not be necessary. Pilot Soryu need only hear the information from you. I do not wish to make her company." Rei said as she walked to the bathroom.
Misato sat down on the couch looking worried. She forgot that Asuka had said cruel things to Rei about Shinji. She then realized that she was solely responsible for these three kids. The Eva pilots that all had scars from their past lives. Forgotten memories that would only drive them insane if they were to resurface at the wrong time. Misato was in way over her head.
"I can't keep this mask on forever." Misato was on the verge of tears but held them back, letting herself show her happiness and energy to the world. She wasn't about to show the kids her true feelings unless there was no way of stopping them. They had enough problems of their own.
Walking to the kitchen, Misato sought out what dulled her pain if only for a little while. A beer every now and then couldn't hurt, she thought. But every now and then came up more times than she had ever gone to sleep sober. Her solutions to all of life's problems.
If only she could fill the void in her life and lose her fear of being alone. All the people in the house, no matter how complicated it got, made her feel a little better. At least she wasn't alone, she thought.
The sound of an opening door quickly brought her out of her thoughts.
Rei didn't even look at Misato as she went into her new room. Misato could only sigh as she came back to sit in the living room with a few beer cans in hand. "What have I gotten myself into," she said as she slowly began to doze off. She knew that when Shinji got there, him ringing the doorbell would wake her.
++
Rei dressed and sat on one of the twin beds in the room. She looked around her room and saw that both her and Shinji's belongings combined didn't fill up one eighth of the room. All there was was their clothes and some school supplies. One thing stood out from everything, and that was Shinji's SDAT player. Shinji told Rei that she could use it whenever she wanted to, so she put it on and sat on the floor next to her bed facing away from the door.
Rei felt her face for a moment where she had been given stitches above her left eye. She felt anger rise up inside her. She would never forgive the commander for what he did.
Rei knew that if it had only affected her she would have not even been angry about what the commander did. But when she remembered looking into Shinji's eyes when she returned in this condition she saw that he was confused and angry. Shinji did not know how to deal with his emotions very well, especially ones concerning his father and Rei.
Rei realized one thing about the commander now that she hadn't seen before. He was a man that would do anything to get what he wanted, no matter who it hurt. Everyone else saw this in him, but Rei, had realized it.
"It is his fault Shinji had done that to himself."
Rei then brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. The day's events had physically and mentally drained her, she couldn't wait up for Shinji liked she wanted to. She then fell asleep on the floor sitting against her bed.
++
"Here we are." One of the NERV personal said to Shinji as they pulled up to Misato's apartment.
"What number is her apartment?" Shinji asked as if he wasn't interested.
"I have to walk you up. Just to make sure you'll be ok."
"Ok," Shinji said but knew that he wasn't trusted to be alone anymore. =Looks like I'll have to get used to this.= In the back of Shinji's mind he was glad that so many people were making a fuss over him. For once he was the center of attention, but he would never admit this to anyone, even himself.
Shinji just followed the NERV person up the stairs and down the hall to Misato's apartment where he rang the bell.
A half awake Misato opened the door, "nice to see you again Shinji, thanks for bringing him private." The man saluted the captain and left without saying a word.
"Well come in Shinji, this is your new home after all."
Shinji stepped in and looked around a bit. "Home..."
Misato walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. Shinji had followed and sat across from her.
"I know that you know people are gonna be keeping a close eye on you now. But I want you to know that I wasn't ordered to take you in Shinji. I wanted to. I know it can be hard sometimes but you have to hang in there." Misato said as she was opening another beer.
Shinji was surprised that the second person to ever give him words of encouragement would be Misato of all people.
"Since it's late and all of your room mates can't give you a proper welcome cause they're sleeping, maybe you should take a shower, then hit hay. And don't worry about school for a while; in fact, don't worry about anything. Once your settled in we'll throw a party in honor of my new roommates."
Shinji didn't misjudged Misato. She was the fun and caring person he thought she was. He was glad that he would be around more people and have a chance to make some new friends. Shinji then gave a faint smile to Misato.
"Miss Misato is it alright if I call Rei. I know it's too late to go see her, but I can at least call her. She saved me..."
"Oh damn," Misato said as she hit herself in the forehead, "I can't believe I forgot to tell you. Rei is waiting for you in your room. I don't know if she's awake or not but I had to force her to leave the hospital."
"What? Really?"
"Really. She's one of your other new roommates. I certainly couldn't have you here without her." Misato said with a wink. "Why don't you go take a shower then go and talk to her."
"Umm...yeah, ok," Shinji said as he started walking down the hall.
"Oh and Shinji, be good ok?"
"I, uhh..."
"Just go," Misato said teasing him. A sigh of relief escaped her as she remembered the look on Shinji's face when she mentioned Rei being here.
Misato finished her last beer in one big gulp and sat looking at the door to her room. Her mood had clearly changed to almost disgust in herself. =I don't think they would forgive me if they knew the truth of being here. Damn commander. Can't he do anything without being so manipulative?=
"I'm just as bad."
Misato was walking back to her room when her phone rang. "Now that's a late call."
"Hello"
"Hey Misato"
"Oh hi Ritsuko. What's up?"
"I needed to tell you that Rei has a synch test with unit 01 tomorrow morning"
"What? With unit 01"
"Yeah. She'll be replacing Shinji for a while till we can make sure he's mentally stable enough to pilot without hurting himself or others."
"Ok then. What time."
"Ten thirty. See you then."
"Ok bye."
Misato decided to tell Rei tomorrow about it.
Misato walked to her room and shut the door behind her. A glow from a desk lamp crept under her door as the sounds of indiscriminate typing began.
++
Asuka was lying in her bed not wanting to hear what Shinji and Rei were going to talk about after Shinji got out of the shower. Something about their relationship made her mad. From the way they talked to the way they acted make her fume.
"Meinn Gott, I won't be able to put up with those bakas problems. Why the hell did Misato want to take that two wonder kids in?"
Asuka got up and walked over to the door. She looked down the hall and saw that Misato still had her light on. =Might as well see what she's up too. I can't sleep thinking about what's gonna be going on in there.=
As Asuka got closer she could hear Misato typing rather loudly. Being the sneaky person she was she started to creep quietly up to her door. She eased it open and saw that Misato was very focused on her work. Maybe Asuka could use some of the information for her benefit in the future.
Asuka walked right up behind Misato and peered over her shoulder. She read the top lines: ---
SUBJECTS: Ayanami Rei, Soryu Langley Asuka, and Ikari Shinji Observational study of reactions between themselves and others while classified with mental instability and prolonged stress.
---
Asuka was furious at what she saw. She already trusted no one but this just made matters worse. She felt betrayed.
Balling up her fist and speaking with hate in her voice she said, "who the hell do you think you are Misato?"
Misato froze for a moment. She wished she had just imagined what she heard but knew it was Asuka behind her. When she turned she saw the angry German girl ready to fight if the wrong thing was said.
Misato had a serious look on her face that Asuka knew would give her some form of truth.
"I had to Asuka. It was an order that I couldn't disobey. I wish there was more to it than that. I've lied to all of you kids. I'm sorry but it's my job."
"THAT"S the best excuse you can come up with?!
"Go to bed Asuka. Tomorrow I'll tell you, Rei, and Shinji everything I know. I want to be on your side you know. After seeing what you just saw I know that's hard to swallow but from now on I'm offering you the truth."
Asuka had heard enough. "Forget it! I don't trust you! Stay the fuck away from me," she said as she stormed off to her room.
Misato sat in her room think of what she could do. She could play dumb and just make it like Asuka never saw anything or she could try and get that bastard Gendo back for what he was doing to the kids.
Misato's decision was easy to make.
"Looks like I'm in for a big talk with the kids tomorrow. The commander isn't gonna get away with this. And he's not gonna find out that I was discovered either."
Misato then walked to the kitchen for a beer. She planned to make up false reports that favored Gendo's plan. She just needed to get Ritsuko on the boat too so she would be able to pull it off without a hitch. "Damn it. I'm in wayyyy to deep now."
She had to decide on how to tell the kids in a delicate way, that all of this was part of Gendo's sick scenario. She feared what she didn't know about NERV, cause that was where the mistakes would be made. That's where she needed to be careful.
++
Shinji stepped into his room ignoring Asuka's shouting and let his eyes adjust to the darkness. As he scanned the room and didn't see Rei right away, he felt fear rise up in him. As Shinji staggered forward to the bed he saw Rei asleep on the floor.
As if she could feel his presence, Rei awoke to Shinji staring down at her. Shinji's feeling of wanting to see Rei was quickly replaced with the urge to run away. He was ashamed at what he had done. He tried to take the easy way out; it was so selfish of him. Before Shinji drowned himself in sorrow Rei stood up casually and looked deep into Shinji's eyes.
Rei tried hard to analyze the situation. How was Shinji feeling? What could she do to comfort him? She hated having inexperience in life, as some would put it. She went back to all the moments that Shinji and her had shared. She remembered the one thing that Shinji had done to her that made her feel strangely at ease.
Rei walked close to Shinji and wrapped her arms around him putting her chin on his shoulder as she pressed against him. Only wishing to make Shinji feel better with this gesture she was surprised at how inviting it was to her as well.
"I am sorry for everything Shinji." Rei said as if everything was actually her fault.
To say Shinji was vulnerable to anything right now was an understatement. With his arms gently placed around Rei, Shinji silently cried. Letting his tears fall was all the response he could give to Rei for what he knew she was doing for him.
"Shinji, why..." Rei stopped mid question when she saw that Shinji had been crying. She tilted her head slightly as she was trying to figure out whether she should still ask her question.
Shinji smiled because he thought it was cute when she tilted her head like that. "Ask me anything Rei," he had a feeling of what she would be asking him. He couldn't avoid it forever.
"Very well... why did you do this to yourself Shinji?" She said as she gently pulled his bandaged arm up to near eye level, examining it.
"Because...because I was afraid...of life. I was taking the selfish way out. I know... I shouldn't have. It's my fault for being so weak. You shouldn't...have blamed yourself. You're the reason... I know... it was a mistake. Will you ever forgive me?"
Rei stood there looking in Shinji's tear-filled eyes. "With all my heart, Shinji." =Affection, devotion, fondness, infatuation...and something more than this?= she thought. She hugged him again imaging what other feelings she had for Shinji. She wished that she knew what to do and how to act on them. She wished someone would tell her how to. She was lost without a given order.
She then let out a frightening gasp as she quickly stepped away from a now surprised Shinji. She was now wrapping her arms around herself. " I do not know how to feel, Shinji. I do not want to have to be ordered for everything. Yet I am lost without them."
Shinji knew that Rei needed his help as much as he needed hers. "Then what do you want Rei?"
Rei thought for a moment as she was staring at the floor. "To not depend on others for my feelings and actions, and still know that it is right to do as I choose."
"Then do what just 'you' want to do. What makes you feel content is what you should do and know that it will be right as long as you're happy with it. No one has the right to control your emotions, Rei."
Rei felt like Shinji's words had hit the very center of her being. Emotions were not signs of weakness like she had been taught. They were signs of the character that help ease oneself into the harshness of reality.
So for the first time, she willingly let herself do something that she always tried to avoid. She cried, for the first time not holding back the tears. Shinji walked over giving her a well-wanted hug. With Rei's face in his chest crying like there was no tomorrow, Shinji gave off a small smile. He knew that Rei had finally accepted change into herself. She was letting her barriers down and accepting comfort to the lifetime of hardships she had, and will endure.
++
Tomorrow would not come easy. Everyone had their worries now.
Asuka feared that everyone would be against her. However, she wouldn't let anyone close to her, which almost insured people feeling as if they had to be hostile towards her.
Misato feared that no one would understand her. She had built her life around lies she gave herself. Her chance to come clean to everyone would be soon.
Shinji feared of what effects his actions would have on others, in particular, what his father would say when he saw him again.
And finally, Rei feared control, yet she was so dependent on it. What would she do when she sees Gendo again? What will the commander do if she were to directly disobey an order, or even hesitate?
Tomorrow will be the first step into facing their fears.
---------------
A/N: I'd really like some feed back on this chapter peoples. You don't know how much I look forward to your reviews. I love all criticism. Next chapter should be up in a little over a week as usual.
&
The disclaimer from last chapter applies because the problems linger into this one too. Of course.
A/N: this chapter should only really get to you if you sit and think about it. Some parts have a look into some of the problems the characters have that make them seem darker than they really are. I don't know how else to put it really. And if you don't wanna feel depressed then just think happy thoughts. Now read on peoples.
---------
Chapter 10: trust or treachery
Toji was about to call a taxi, but just remembered he had forgotten his hat that his sister had picked out for him. He wasn't about to forget that at school. "Where the hell did I leave that thing?"
++
Rei held on to Shinji with desperation. She couldn't believe that this could be the end of his life.
"Shinji, you told me to never say goodbye. Please Shinji..." Shinji's body was cold to the touch now. Rei just closed her hands around his deep incision on his arm and cried, not knowing what else to do.
Toji walked in not expecting anything of what he saw. First thing that he noticed was Rei was in the men's restroom. "Hey Rei what the hell are you... oh my god... I'll get help!" Toji then ran out screaming for the nurse and telling people to get an ambulance.
Rei sat and waited, occasionally saying Shinji's name in between her sobs in an effort to get him to say something in return. If it wasn't for her iron grip on him he would have surely been dead already. "Help is coming Shinji. Help is coming."
Toji was at the head of the pack of people and medical staff that ran in the room. They swarmed Shinji, and right away and were able to see what happened. Rei still held on to him while they were putting him on a stretcher. A medical person looked at Rei and said, "miss, you have to let go now. You've slowed the bleeding enough." Rei still stared at Shinji as she released his arm and watched the paramedic start his treatment.
Rei followed staying as close to Shinji as possible while they were wheeling him out. Toji and the rest of the student body that were there, followed along as well to see what was happening. The paramedic said, "Only one person can ride along with him."
"I will go with him." Rei said to the paramedic as she got in the back of the ambulance. She hadn't taken her eyes of Shinji the whole time. She wanted a sign of life to return. She desperately needed him to live, without him she would be incomplete again.
The paramedics had stabilized Shinji fairly quickly, thanks to Rei's efforts. The paramedic asked Rei what the boy's name was. "Shinji Ikari," she said, still not taking her eyes off Shinji.
The paramedic looked surprised when she said his name, he mumbled under his breath, "the third huh?"
Rei could only feel uneasy as the paramedic leaned over to the driver and whispered something into his ear. Promptly they changed direction and were now headed in the general direction of NERV. She gently placed her hand over his as they sped towards their destination.
+++++Inside the recovery room+++++
Rei was not permitted to stay with Shinji when he was being operated on and checked over. She was told that he would make it, but she always had her doubts when it came to something she cherished.
She sat and waited for him to be transferred into the room. Her fear had closed her off from the outside world completely. She was in the state of mind that she felt safest in, a place where no one could hurt her or command her. In her mind she wasn't even present to the real world.
To someone else, all that could be seen was a young girl in a school uniform, covered in blood. She was holding herself and ever so slightly rocking back and forth in a chair next to the bed they were to put Shinji on. It was a very disturbing sight.
The weight of Shinji's suffering was being felt not only by him, but her too.
=Shinji has defended me against the angels, and the commander. He has made me feel warm, and even...smile. The injuries caused by the commander to me had visibly shaken him and I believe that it is at least an indirect result for his attempt to kill himself. I do not feel complete without him. I am sorry for what I have let him see of me. All I have done to him is hurt him...I do not know what to do anymore.=
Rei then began to come out of her daze she was in. She had to unclench her fist because she was griping her blouse so tight that her hands were now sore. She was also grinding her teeth, which made her jaw sore as well. She could now believe her thoughts of being incomplete without Shinji was so right.
Before Rei could acknowledge her surroundings she heard voices talking. Slowly coming back to reality she saw Asuka and Misato standing at the door staring at her with a frightened and confused look on their faces.
Rei's only response to them was a stare that was seemingly going through them.
"You look like you need some rest Rei. Maybe I should take you home for a bit so you can at least change." Misato said with as much compassion as she could. She knew that Rei was almost as close to her breaking point as Shinji was. Asuka on the other hand was not one to show compassion.
"What the hell's wrong with you wonder girl. Stop worrying about Shinji. He did this to himself. You should have let that baka do what he wanted, he would have been better off."
Misato looked at Asuka like that was the worst thing she had ever heard anyone say. Misato would never imagine anyone to say something like that as if it were a casual conversation.
Asuka's comment certainly got Rei's attention. She looked at her with such hate Asuka had to look away from her. Misato pushed Asuka out of the room and closed the door quickly. Turning back around she saw that Rei had fallen to her knees. She was staring at the floor as put her arms around herself again. Misato walked closer to her and knelt next to her.
Misato was never good at saying the right things to cheer people up. She was afraid that she would always make matters worse, so most of the time she tried to stay out of other people's emotional affairs. This time she didn't think that it could get much worse.
"Rei listen..."
Rei interrupted Misato.
"I wished to help Shinji. I have saved him, have I not?" Rei looked desperately at Misato now.
"Of course you did Rei. If it weren't for you Shinji would have been... I'm just glad that he's ok. And you have to realize that what you did was the greatest thing anyone could do for someone."
"Is what pilot Soryu said true though? I should have let him be? Is it not what he wanted?"
"Listen Rei. What Asuka said was wrong in everyway. Don't listen to her. And Shinji doesn't know what's best for him. If he did he wouldn't have done what he did. You know what I'm saying?"
Rei looked as if she wasn't listening. She wanted to answer her own questions before she even thought of Misato's.
"I do not want Shinji to die. I would die protecting him, even if it is from himself."
Misato knew that Rei couldn't possible be left alone. They were going to keep Shinji under some form of observation, but there was no way that they would do the same for Rei. She wouldn't let herself be away from Shinji for long though.
Misato's cell phone rang just then. "I'll be right back Rei. I need to take this. You wait right here." She said as she was practically picking Rei up to put her in the chair.
Rei simply accepted Misato's help with her blank stare still on her face. She sat, still holding herself, again with a slight rock back and forth. "What causes such pain and misery?"
++
After thirty minutes on the phone, Misato went back in to talk to Rei about what she believed was good news. It was as if the commander was reading her thoughts and called to make it and order.
Misato's smile left her face when she saw that Rei hadn't moved a muscle from the last time. Maybe this wasn't a good idea after all. But now it was an order from the top, she couldn't back down now.
"Good news Rei. You and Shinji are gonna be moving in with me. They want someone to keep Shinji under watch for a while and I don't think you could stand to be away from him for long."
"...Is this true?"
"Yeah Rei. As soon as Shinji is able to leave there gonna drop him of at my place. His things are already being moved there. Yours too."
"Understood." Rei said with relief. She felt better that she was being accepted for whatever the reason. Being alone was never something she liked. Even if she didn't think that living with others would be easy, it would be beneficial.
"Ok then. How bout now I take you home so you can shower at least."
"Is that an order?"
"Of course not Rei. But I really wish that you would come home. As soon as they can they'll bring Shinji."
"Then I wish to wait here for Shinji"
"Then it's an order." Misato said with a smile on her face.
"Very well." Rei said as she got up and walked to the door. Misato followed her not knowing if joking with Rei was the best thing to do under the current circumstances. But at lest she got her to do what she wanted her to do.
+++++In Misato's car+++++
"You know Rei, you really have to lighten up. Everything is gonna be fine. And now you have me to talk to."
"What shall I speak with you about?"
"Uhh... anything you need advice on or stuff like that. And don't be afraid of expressing your emotions a bit here and there."
"I do not know how. And I am not yet familiar..." Rei stopped in mid sentence because she realized that she was talking too much with Misato. She did not know her very well and didn't know if the information that she gave her would be used as information for the commander.
"Come one Rei. At least tell me how you feel right now."
"I feel that this is an unnecessary conversation." She said as she turned her head to stare out the window.
The rest of the ride was hindered by an uncomfortable silence. Misato wasn't mad that Rei couldn't trust her. She knew that she didn't trust many people if any at all. Rei would take time to get to know personally. She just hoped that it would happen before anything unfortunate was to happen.
+++++NERV's hospital wing+++++
In the recovery room laid Shinji. He was just coming back into consciousness. "I hate this ceiling," was all he could say, trying to remember why he was there.
He looked at his arm and studied all the stitches he had received. He noticed that he had large bruises on his arm in the shape of fingers around his cuts. "Rei..."
The door slowly opened and a nurse looked at Shinji with surprise as she spoke to him. "Oh Mr. Ikari, I was supposed to tell you once you were awake that you have a change of residence effective as soon as your able to be checked out."
"Where am I living then?"
"Captain Katsuragi's residence. You should be able to leave within the hour. Good day Mr. Ikari." The nurse said as she picked up a clipboard and left.
"Now they're gonna keep an eye one me. At last someone other than Rei will notice what I do now," Shinji laughed to himself. He then felt depressed realizing he would not be living as close to Rei as he had been. The one person he actually cared for. =I need to see Rei, and apologize to her as soon as possible. She didn't deserve to see me like that.=
Shinji stood up, felt light headed and sat down again. "I might have to talk to her tomorrow. I need some more rest."
He got up slowly this time and walked over to the door to see two NERV security guards waiting for him.
"This way Shinji Ikari."
+++++Misato's apartment+++++
"Ok Rei, since Asuka doesn't want to share a room with anyone your gonna be bunking with Shinji. And before you get any ideas there are twin beds and an extendable screen separating the room in half. Oh and by the way all yours and his stuff are already in the room. Any objections?"
"I find it suitable."
"Good. I'll need you to help me keep an eye on Shinji since Asuka won't. Plus he's more comfortable with you than anyone I know. He's gonna need people to fall back on and we're all he's got. Any questions?"
"No."
"Ok then go take a shower and then I'll have Asuka come out of her room so you and I can tell her what's up."
"That will not be necessary. Pilot Soryu need only hear the information from you. I do not wish to make her company." Rei said as she walked to the bathroom.
Misato sat down on the couch looking worried. She forgot that Asuka had said cruel things to Rei about Shinji. She then realized that she was solely responsible for these three kids. The Eva pilots that all had scars from their past lives. Forgotten memories that would only drive them insane if they were to resurface at the wrong time. Misato was in way over her head.
"I can't keep this mask on forever." Misato was on the verge of tears but held them back, letting herself show her happiness and energy to the world. She wasn't about to show the kids her true feelings unless there was no way of stopping them. They had enough problems of their own.
Walking to the kitchen, Misato sought out what dulled her pain if only for a little while. A beer every now and then couldn't hurt, she thought. But every now and then came up more times than she had ever gone to sleep sober. Her solutions to all of life's problems.
If only she could fill the void in her life and lose her fear of being alone. All the people in the house, no matter how complicated it got, made her feel a little better. At least she wasn't alone, she thought.
The sound of an opening door quickly brought her out of her thoughts.
Rei didn't even look at Misato as she went into her new room. Misato could only sigh as she came back to sit in the living room with a few beer cans in hand. "What have I gotten myself into," she said as she slowly began to doze off. She knew that when Shinji got there, him ringing the doorbell would wake her.
++
Rei dressed and sat on one of the twin beds in the room. She looked around her room and saw that both her and Shinji's belongings combined didn't fill up one eighth of the room. All there was was their clothes and some school supplies. One thing stood out from everything, and that was Shinji's SDAT player. Shinji told Rei that she could use it whenever she wanted to, so she put it on and sat on the floor next to her bed facing away from the door.
Rei felt her face for a moment where she had been given stitches above her left eye. She felt anger rise up inside her. She would never forgive the commander for what he did.
Rei knew that if it had only affected her she would have not even been angry about what the commander did. But when she remembered looking into Shinji's eyes when she returned in this condition she saw that he was confused and angry. Shinji did not know how to deal with his emotions very well, especially ones concerning his father and Rei.
Rei realized one thing about the commander now that she hadn't seen before. He was a man that would do anything to get what he wanted, no matter who it hurt. Everyone else saw this in him, but Rei, had realized it.
"It is his fault Shinji had done that to himself."
Rei then brought her knees to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. The day's events had physically and mentally drained her, she couldn't wait up for Shinji liked she wanted to. She then fell asleep on the floor sitting against her bed.
++
"Here we are." One of the NERV personal said to Shinji as they pulled up to Misato's apartment.
"What number is her apartment?" Shinji asked as if he wasn't interested.
"I have to walk you up. Just to make sure you'll be ok."
"Ok," Shinji said but knew that he wasn't trusted to be alone anymore. =Looks like I'll have to get used to this.= In the back of Shinji's mind he was glad that so many people were making a fuss over him. For once he was the center of attention, but he would never admit this to anyone, even himself.
Shinji just followed the NERV person up the stairs and down the hall to Misato's apartment where he rang the bell.
A half awake Misato opened the door, "nice to see you again Shinji, thanks for bringing him private." The man saluted the captain and left without saying a word.
"Well come in Shinji, this is your new home after all."
Shinji stepped in and looked around a bit. "Home..."
Misato walked into the kitchen and sat at the table. Shinji had followed and sat across from her.
"I know that you know people are gonna be keeping a close eye on you now. But I want you to know that I wasn't ordered to take you in Shinji. I wanted to. I know it can be hard sometimes but you have to hang in there." Misato said as she was opening another beer.
Shinji was surprised that the second person to ever give him words of encouragement would be Misato of all people.
"Since it's late and all of your room mates can't give you a proper welcome cause they're sleeping, maybe you should take a shower, then hit hay. And don't worry about school for a while; in fact, don't worry about anything. Once your settled in we'll throw a party in honor of my new roommates."
Shinji didn't misjudged Misato. She was the fun and caring person he thought she was. He was glad that he would be around more people and have a chance to make some new friends. Shinji then gave a faint smile to Misato.
"Miss Misato is it alright if I call Rei. I know it's too late to go see her, but I can at least call her. She saved me..."
"Oh damn," Misato said as she hit herself in the forehead, "I can't believe I forgot to tell you. Rei is waiting for you in your room. I don't know if she's awake or not but I had to force her to leave the hospital."
"What? Really?"
"Really. She's one of your other new roommates. I certainly couldn't have you here without her." Misato said with a wink. "Why don't you go take a shower then go and talk to her."
"Umm...yeah, ok," Shinji said as he started walking down the hall.
"Oh and Shinji, be good ok?"
"I, uhh..."
"Just go," Misato said teasing him. A sigh of relief escaped her as she remembered the look on Shinji's face when she mentioned Rei being here.
Misato finished her last beer in one big gulp and sat looking at the door to her room. Her mood had clearly changed to almost disgust in herself. =I don't think they would forgive me if they knew the truth of being here. Damn commander. Can't he do anything without being so manipulative?=
"I'm just as bad."
Misato was walking back to her room when her phone rang. "Now that's a late call."
"Hello"
"Hey Misato"
"Oh hi Ritsuko. What's up?"
"I needed to tell you that Rei has a synch test with unit 01 tomorrow morning"
"What? With unit 01"
"Yeah. She'll be replacing Shinji for a while till we can make sure he's mentally stable enough to pilot without hurting himself or others."
"Ok then. What time."
"Ten thirty. See you then."
"Ok bye."
Misato decided to tell Rei tomorrow about it.
Misato walked to her room and shut the door behind her. A glow from a desk lamp crept under her door as the sounds of indiscriminate typing began.
++
Asuka was lying in her bed not wanting to hear what Shinji and Rei were going to talk about after Shinji got out of the shower. Something about their relationship made her mad. From the way they talked to the way they acted make her fume.
"Meinn Gott, I won't be able to put up with those bakas problems. Why the hell did Misato want to take that two wonder kids in?"
Asuka got up and walked over to the door. She looked down the hall and saw that Misato still had her light on. =Might as well see what she's up too. I can't sleep thinking about what's gonna be going on in there.=
As Asuka got closer she could hear Misato typing rather loudly. Being the sneaky person she was she started to creep quietly up to her door. She eased it open and saw that Misato was very focused on her work. Maybe Asuka could use some of the information for her benefit in the future.
Asuka walked right up behind Misato and peered over her shoulder. She read the top lines: ---
SUBJECTS: Ayanami Rei, Soryu Langley Asuka, and Ikari Shinji Observational study of reactions between themselves and others while classified with mental instability and prolonged stress.
---
Asuka was furious at what she saw. She already trusted no one but this just made matters worse. She felt betrayed.
Balling up her fist and speaking with hate in her voice she said, "who the hell do you think you are Misato?"
Misato froze for a moment. She wished she had just imagined what she heard but knew it was Asuka behind her. When she turned she saw the angry German girl ready to fight if the wrong thing was said.
Misato had a serious look on her face that Asuka knew would give her some form of truth.
"I had to Asuka. It was an order that I couldn't disobey. I wish there was more to it than that. I've lied to all of you kids. I'm sorry but it's my job."
"THAT"S the best excuse you can come up with?!
"Go to bed Asuka. Tomorrow I'll tell you, Rei, and Shinji everything I know. I want to be on your side you know. After seeing what you just saw I know that's hard to swallow but from now on I'm offering you the truth."
Asuka had heard enough. "Forget it! I don't trust you! Stay the fuck away from me," she said as she stormed off to her room.
Misato sat in her room think of what she could do. She could play dumb and just make it like Asuka never saw anything or she could try and get that bastard Gendo back for what he was doing to the kids.
Misato's decision was easy to make.
"Looks like I'm in for a big talk with the kids tomorrow. The commander isn't gonna get away with this. And he's not gonna find out that I was discovered either."
Misato then walked to the kitchen for a beer. She planned to make up false reports that favored Gendo's plan. She just needed to get Ritsuko on the boat too so she would be able to pull it off without a hitch. "Damn it. I'm in wayyyy to deep now."
She had to decide on how to tell the kids in a delicate way, that all of this was part of Gendo's sick scenario. She feared what she didn't know about NERV, cause that was where the mistakes would be made. That's where she needed to be careful.
++
Shinji stepped into his room ignoring Asuka's shouting and let his eyes adjust to the darkness. As he scanned the room and didn't see Rei right away, he felt fear rise up in him. As Shinji staggered forward to the bed he saw Rei asleep on the floor.
As if she could feel his presence, Rei awoke to Shinji staring down at her. Shinji's feeling of wanting to see Rei was quickly replaced with the urge to run away. He was ashamed at what he had done. He tried to take the easy way out; it was so selfish of him. Before Shinji drowned himself in sorrow Rei stood up casually and looked deep into Shinji's eyes.
Rei tried hard to analyze the situation. How was Shinji feeling? What could she do to comfort him? She hated having inexperience in life, as some would put it. She went back to all the moments that Shinji and her had shared. She remembered the one thing that Shinji had done to her that made her feel strangely at ease.
Rei walked close to Shinji and wrapped her arms around him putting her chin on his shoulder as she pressed against him. Only wishing to make Shinji feel better with this gesture she was surprised at how inviting it was to her as well.
"I am sorry for everything Shinji." Rei said as if everything was actually her fault.
To say Shinji was vulnerable to anything right now was an understatement. With his arms gently placed around Rei, Shinji silently cried. Letting his tears fall was all the response he could give to Rei for what he knew she was doing for him.
"Shinji, why..." Rei stopped mid question when she saw that Shinji had been crying. She tilted her head slightly as she was trying to figure out whether she should still ask her question.
Shinji smiled because he thought it was cute when she tilted her head like that. "Ask me anything Rei," he had a feeling of what she would be asking him. He couldn't avoid it forever.
"Very well... why did you do this to yourself Shinji?" She said as she gently pulled his bandaged arm up to near eye level, examining it.
"Because...because I was afraid...of life. I was taking the selfish way out. I know... I shouldn't have. It's my fault for being so weak. You shouldn't...have blamed yourself. You're the reason... I know... it was a mistake. Will you ever forgive me?"
Rei stood there looking in Shinji's tear-filled eyes. "With all my heart, Shinji." =Affection, devotion, fondness, infatuation...and something more than this?= she thought. She hugged him again imaging what other feelings she had for Shinji. She wished that she knew what to do and how to act on them. She wished someone would tell her how to. She was lost without a given order.
She then let out a frightening gasp as she quickly stepped away from a now surprised Shinji. She was now wrapping her arms around herself. " I do not know how to feel, Shinji. I do not want to have to be ordered for everything. Yet I am lost without them."
Shinji knew that Rei needed his help as much as he needed hers. "Then what do you want Rei?"
Rei thought for a moment as she was staring at the floor. "To not depend on others for my feelings and actions, and still know that it is right to do as I choose."
"Then do what just 'you' want to do. What makes you feel content is what you should do and know that it will be right as long as you're happy with it. No one has the right to control your emotions, Rei."
Rei felt like Shinji's words had hit the very center of her being. Emotions were not signs of weakness like she had been taught. They were signs of the character that help ease oneself into the harshness of reality.
So for the first time, she willingly let herself do something that she always tried to avoid. She cried, for the first time not holding back the tears. Shinji walked over giving her a well-wanted hug. With Rei's face in his chest crying like there was no tomorrow, Shinji gave off a small smile. He knew that Rei had finally accepted change into herself. She was letting her barriers down and accepting comfort to the lifetime of hardships she had, and will endure.
++
Tomorrow would not come easy. Everyone had their worries now.
Asuka feared that everyone would be against her. However, she wouldn't let anyone close to her, which almost insured people feeling as if they had to be hostile towards her.
Misato feared that no one would understand her. She had built her life around lies she gave herself. Her chance to come clean to everyone would be soon.
Shinji feared of what effects his actions would have on others, in particular, what his father would say when he saw him again.
And finally, Rei feared control, yet she was so dependent on it. What would she do when she sees Gendo again? What will the commander do if she were to directly disobey an order, or even hesitate?
Tomorrow will be the first step into facing their fears.
---------------
A/N: I'd really like some feed back on this chapter peoples. You don't know how much I look forward to your reviews. I love all criticism. Next chapter should be up in a little over a week as usual.