Chapter 7: Chapter 7.
In the worst of cases she was still in danger, she told herself as she closed the book that she was trying and failing to read.
The soldiers had wanted information from Podrick and not her.
And the information she got from Lord Manderly was scare. A small number of lords had betrayed her and only the head of her army would reveal their identities.
And to make it worse, she was staying in the Lion's den.
As she should have expected, she didn't sleep a wink that night. She wouldn't find any rest until she felt completely safe and that wouldn't happen until her army arrived to escort her back to Winterfell.
A part of her trusted Lord Manderly and his granddaughter because she knew the former esteemed her and the latter admired her but mistrusting was ingrained in her, and neither esteem nor admiration guaranteed loyalty.
For that very reason, a tad of mistrust, she hadn't wanted a maid or a lady in waiting, not even Wylla, who she had known since they were children, to stay with her during the night. She only would have wanted to have Snow with her; if he were here, he would be laying by the door growling and raising his head at any sounds or moves outside her door. Not for the first time she regretted not having brought her direwolf on this outing, she regretted making her lords' requests not to bring a beast inside their castles a priority over her own safety.
The bed felt extremely comfortable, or she was tired enough to think it was, anyway, but she still remained ill at ease so she rose from it, even the quiet being too much and she continued mulling over how to respond to the attack. But that would be once her army arrived with all the information since she had been told that they hadn't thought it prudent to communicate through ravens in case there were more enemies hiding in the woods.
She still feared for her safety even though she wouldn't admit it.
She walked to a big and comfortable arm chair and sat on it. The soldiers and the rest of the castle seemed happy to have her there and yet...
She'd probably feel better if she knew for certain that Podrick was in the next room but he wasn't...She didn't think he was, anyway.
She knew very well how soldiers liked to celebrate their victories. And she remembered him leaving Winterfell's great hall once, not with one but with two tavern girls, so it wasn't hard to figure out what he'd rather do. The last she'd seen of him, he had been surrounded by Lord Manderly's and House Dustin's commanders. They had wanted to take him out to celebrate for havingtaken good care of The Queen.
'I'm a Kingsguard and I took an oath before the King,' she had heard him say from another hall in a lighthearted voice.
'In the past few days you haven't been a guard to the King but to our Queen. And her guards have some more...liberties. I'm sure you know.'
'Tonight you are a Hero, celebrate like one!'
'Maybe I'm at an age where I'm less about celebrating and more about resting.'
'You'll rest when you're dead. Come on, we won't go to a brothel, but have a couple ales at least, there's a tavern nearby.
'Ser Podrick, let us give you a treat.'
Of course, as soon as he had arrived from Kings Landing her advisors had investigated him; she had conducted a separate inquiry as well. That's why she knew that he kept the oath to her brother to the T, not that she particularly cared about that, but it was good to know that the people around her kept their word.
And in the past days, other than those times when they'd been annoyed with each other, there had been a bond growing between them; she knew enough about men to know it wasn't one-sided. But it seemed that she didn't know enough about herself not to feel overwhelmed by it.
It wasn't something she wanted, but more than once she had wondered if it was too late for her, if she would ever trust a man enough to feel some kind of interest or genuine affection for him and she had concluded that it would be impossible, that was already behind her and it wasn't something that kept her up at night, either.
During those days when all she could feel was loneliness and nostalgia she could only hold on to the memory of her parents and siblings. Even when she dared imagine herself with a family of her own she could never conjure the image of the man who would provide that for her, only the children that would be by her side.
In the respectful words of Lord Cromwell, she didn't see the presence of a man, a husband, as a life partner as anything but as a necessary evil.
And for the time being —and for her sanity's sake— she would ignore the part of her that realized that she was thinking about a family of her own in relation to her new found, and surprising interest in Podrick Payne. She groaned and blushed at the thought of what Arya would say to her while she mockingly raised an eyebrow he's got you thinking about babies.
And no, he didn't have her thinking about babies; that was just a ridiculous, fleeting connection her mind made.
Podrick was able to make her feel things, first a sense of calm and now of safety. And although his attention gave her some sense of satisfaction, it also made her uncomfortable when he made her blush, and in the past few days he had her feeling a pressure in her belly along with some counterproductive ideas.
As far as she knew, he was an honorable and honest man. He was handsome. She had noticed it even more that night as they walked to the meeting, and she had also noticed it while they were in the run, even though their looks then left everything to be desired.
He was brave, calm, and though she had upset him with her panic attack, he managed to bring her out of it with his silly remark of her frightening him. He made her smile and he had interesting points of view. But most importantly, he didn't dwell in the same dark world of suspicion and scheming as she did. As everyone else that she knew did.
She was interested in him, it was obvious. She wanted the chance to be near him, to kiss him. And not only to test her theory that the damaged done to her by the men in her life was irreversible but because she actually wanted to kiss him. Still, the very idea filled her with anxiety.
If she had learned something about herself in the last decade was to be sure of herself, to trust her instincts and hunches. However, in this case she didn't know if she should act or how to do it.
And there also was a colder, more calculating aspect in all this, she knew she had to take advantage of the situation; Podrick Payne was someone inconsequential in her life, he wouldn't tell a soul or try to pressure her and most importantly: he would vanish from her life after they went back to Winterfell.
Things would end there; with a kiss from a kind and handsome man whom she respected and admired.
A kiss that would answer her questions about her being able to see the value in a man once more.
But at the present time she shouldn't be thinking about this possibility, about him; she should be thinking about the consequences that she would bring about after her attack, though that was a decision she had made long ago —even before the attack had taken place—, while wanting to kiss someone was something completely new. The Cersei that haunted her dreams was probably throwing a fit from being downgraded in her list of concerns.
Maybe she was thinking too much about all of this, maybe Podrick Payne was currently up the skirts of some tavern girl or a whore, and here she was, driving herself mad over him. She wanted him to be doing that with all her being, it would help to get him out of her head.
She stood and went to open the window, which made the old wood crack while letting the colder air in. Suddenly, she heard noises outside and she stood still. She could see the shadow of feet in the gap under the door and in two strides she was reaching for the knife that she still hadn't relinquished after her escape. She hadn't even gripped it tightly when she heard a soft knock followed by Podrick's voice. With her heart still beating at a gallop in her chest, she put on a thin robe and opened the door slightly. "What's the matter?"
He noticed she seemed worried, as though she thought someone was coming to deliver bad news and from the metallic clank he knew she had a knife in hand behind the door. "...I wanted to make sure that you were alright, I kept hearing noises coming from here."
Sansa frowned for a few seconds, so he had been next door resting, "I can't sleep," she admitted.
Podrick nodded, "Don't worry, remember I'm next door... or if you'd like I can stand guard by the door." Although he didn't think it was fair for him to change his comfortable bed for a seat; she had given him the night off.
"Aren't you too tired?" After all, if she felt exhausted he couldn't be far behind.
"Yes... but it's my job."
"...It is. But I can't ask more from you. You need to rest."
"...So do you, Ma'am."
Something passed through her mind, an idea so absurd and inappropriate that it made her blush but as they continued holding each other's gaze, she played with it. That would be a certain way for both of them to find some respite, and her heart started beating faster faced with the possibility.
She knew she should let it rest at that; he could stay outside her door doing his job. "Give me a second," she asked and she left the door ajar before going back to get her coat. She was entirely too conscious that she shouldn't act as she was about to.
When she reappeared, Podrick thought they would be taking a walk but his heart went still in his chest when she opened the door and she asked him to come in. His eyebrows went up slowly, he was awestruck and for a second or two he wasn't sure he had understood correctly.
He lowered his head and fixed his eyes on the floor, "That's… inappropriate, Ma'am." He knew he didn't have to remind her that, but he did because she seemed to have forgotten. What was she thinking anyway? Her reputation tarnished over a wink. Some part of his was taking this invitation like what it wasn't that had his heart speeding up despite himself, while a pleasing yet inappropriate heat started spreading through his body.
She blushed even more when she noticed his reaction, "I know," she whispered breathlessly. Had he refused with a simple no it would have been better than him bowing his head in submission. It immediately reminded her of who they were.
Podrick watched her feet as she stepped back slightly and after a moment he couldn't stop himself anymore so his eyes found hers. Even with the darkness of the hall, he saw her blushing and bereft of her usual self-assuredness.
Podrick swallowed feeling enticed; he could already imagine the gossip the next day if someone found out about this. He could stay in her room and not move an inch from the door and still the rumors would be outrageous. But then, he wondered if she too wanted to spend time with him or if her request was just because she was worried for her safety, it was becoming harder and harder to tell, "...I could go fetch a maid."
"...I don't trust any of them," except for Lady Wylla but what could either of them do if they were attacked? "The only person in this castle who I trust blindly is you." And saying that without taking her eyes off his felt like she was exposing too much of herself.
Podrick tapped the door frame lightly a few times with his fist as he considered it. "You flatter me... but do you think you're in danger?" after all, he saw no signs of it during the meeting he'd been privy to. He had seen her tense and succinct but not openly mistrusting or acting like she felt threatened.
"I won't feel safe or comfortable until my army arrives, until I'm back at Winterfell."
He had figured that already, "Think about what will happen if someone finds out about...this," and even though it was for her sense of safety, he couldn't vanish the blush on his face as 'this' left his lips.
"Ill-intentioned people are already talking about the four days I spent alone with you. And precisely because of that, because I trust you I ask this." And it was in that moment when she realized that she hadn't specified whatitwas that she was asking. She felt her cheeks burning once more, "...I meant for you to stay on the long chair so you can rest too."
Podrick knew he shouldn't, it was worse with the interest that had been growing between them. His indecision stopped him from speaking, from refusing.
Seeing his hesitation she went on "…I don't mean to impose on you something that makes you uncomfortable. Good night, Ser Podrick."
Her change of mind had him muttering for a beat before nodding, "Good night, Ma'am. I'll be over here," he pointed to his left, to a wooden bench a few feet from them, which looked uncomfortable.
Sansa refused, finding that a waste, "No, go get some rest. If you can sleep, go for it."
"I'll be right here," he insisted.
After a few seconds she nodded and she closed the door before making her way to the bed thinking about how absurd her request was. If she had already spent three nights alone with him, what was the big deal adding another? Circumstances had changed but just a tad and she remained scared and mistrustful.
It's not like she meant for more to happen because, although she had started to feel curious about him, reality was something else altogether; she wouldn't act on it. It wasn't like her. It would all remain locked away in her head.
She heard a knock again and she anxiously opened the door to find his gaze, looking like he still thought this was a bad idea. Feeling troubled and doubtful, she let him in.
It really was a bad idea.
True to himself, he lowered his eyes as he stayed standing next to the closed door, being a Guard. She turned her back on him and went to close the window. The bed and the long chair were far apart and didn't face each other. She was about to say something but she stopped herself because she could see how her words could be misinterpreted so instead she went to grab a pillow and a blanket and she put them on the soft and fluffy sofa.
Feeling more confident she spoke, her voice came out harsher than she intended, "Ser Podrick, I didn't ask you to stay so that you would spend the night uncomfortable standing there, you could do that outside..."
Podrick straightened and looked in her direction without really facing her, wondering what he was getting himself into. "He didn't know what to say and something ridiculous came out, "I'm allowed to sleep?"
That's not what she thought he would reply, "...Yes...your presence is enough... for my peace of mind." she gritted out; uncertain if that revelation would be taken as something else.
By contrast, she didn't bring him any peace, since a few days ago, all she did was agitate him. Right then, Podrick was trying to remain sensible and not let himself be overrun by his instincts; he averted her eyes because every time he held her gaze he felt himself getting lost in her eyes. "...That would be sensible, if there's an attack we'd be together..."
Sansa found it odd that he was skipping over what she really meant. Honestly, she wasn't sure about how to act, she didn't have that kind of experience and she wished he took it upon himself. She inhaled deeply opting for desisting and ridding her mind of those foolish thoughts, she regained her composure and was careful with her tone, "Just for tonight, by tomorrow, my guards and army will be here and you'll get your well-deserved rest."
He nodded and he made his way inside, still hesitating, and instinctively she went in the other direction, away from him; which made her realize that that, dodging him without even thinking, was a clear indicator that she wasn't ready for some other kind of closeness... and it made her feel mad at herself. So, with no small amount of disappointment, she could see that at the end of the day, all that her mind kept conjuring was nothing but useless romantic fantasies.
She remained standing still for a moment, he was looking at her seemingly waiting for her to proceed, so she silently and shamefully made her way to the bed and got in with her coat on before covering herself up with the furs. Her eyes flickered to him as he sat and as he placed the pillow as not to face her.
She remained restless but quiet in the same position while her mind went back to the useless romantic notions she thought were behind her forever ...her mind was starting to go on roads that were better left untraveled. "I thought you had gone off to celebrate with the knights... not that I would reprove."
Podrick opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling again; although he wasn't sleepy, he had begun to settle down when he heard her voice and his heart set off again. "What kind of guard would I be, taking off for drinks and leaving you unprotected? While you could have been attacked?"
"... I'd given you the night off."
"How would I face your brother?" he asked back as he imagined the scenario, "I'd rather die defending you than leaving this world with that stain on my name." He didn't add that he worried about her well-being because there were things best left unsaid. "Besides, it has only been you and me through all this... and that's how it'll be until your army arrives or until you or your brother release me from your service."
Podrick's goal always had been to become a knight so his words didn't surprise her, "... You're part of my brother's Kingsguard, there won't be that much honor if you give your life for mine instead of the King who you swore to protect."
He couldn't argue with that. "You needed me more than he ever has." he chose his words wisely and he tried to hide the emotion from his voice, "Your brother agreed to let me be his guard because he saw no thirst for power in me, because I'm honest and mostly because Ser Brienne presented me as a candidate. So I hadn't really felt that I had earned my spot out of my own merit. Because of my skills as knight, you know?" he wanted to turn to look at her, to see her nodding along but he didn't, "When Lord Manderly thanked me so profusely for protecting you... that's the first time I felt like I earned it, being a Kingsguard, Ma'am... even if all we did was run and hide, even if I'm not sworn to you." And what would he get from revealing all this to her?
Sansa kept on looking at the ceiling, not knowing that to say. "You should be proud, Ser Podrick, not just because you earned it but because you are one of the few honorable and honest people in Westeros."
"…Of which you disapprove since people will try to take advantage of me."
She heard teasing as he repeated her words from before, "I don't disapprove, I actually admire it, it's just that being honorable and honest hasn't worked for my family in the past, that's why I'm warning you, so that you don't trust so easily."
What could he say to that? "...It's been a true honor to serve you, Ma'am."
"As I said before, Podrick, the doors of the North, of Winterfell will always be open to you."
"Thank you." He answered as a part of him realized that she still hadn't thanked him for rescuing her, that she should be the one saying thanks, not him. Even if his job was to serve her, hearing her thanking him would be —other than a great stroke to his ego— the least he deserved coming from her. He didn't want treasure or a reward, a thank you would suffice.
"Good night, Ser Podrick."
"Good night, Ma'am."
Only then did Sansa convince herself that inviting him to stay with her was a mistake. She wasn't gaining anything from it, just discomfort along with some sense of security form having him near. But, for the most part, discomfort was the prevalent feeling.
After several minutes she spoke again. "Ser Podrick?"
Again, he tensed up as she broke the silence, "yes, Ma'am?"
"...Even though I didn't exactly enjoy my role in helping you earn your standing as a Kingsguard, I'm happy to have done my part, small as it was. And I'm happy for you." and why was she contradicting herself in regards to Podrick? She knew it was better to put distance between them and yet... she kept thinking one thing and doing the opposite.
Podrick could hear teasing in her words and he smiled, "Ah! but sadly, Ma'am, I couldn't have proven myself without you..." he teased back and he imagined it made her smile…
After that there was silence.
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It was Sansa who awoke first, with the wondrous feeling of the bed under her. She felt the rays of light coming through one of the windows as she turned slowly thanks to the bruise on her back. It actually took her a few seconds to take stock of the discarded coat on the furs and to remember that she hadn't been alone.
A part of her wished he had left but just as she sat on the bed and pulled the covers to herself she found a body on the chair. He was sleeping belly down with an arm —the injured one, surely— dangling off it and the unsheathed sword on the floor, easy to reach; his hair had escaped the tail and was now covering his face. This wasn't right.
She quickly and painfully put on her coat and she stood while clearly recalling Podrick locking the door after closing it. Plus, people would probably give her some privacy since she had been so tired and hurt.
She rushed to his side and called his name in a hush but it didn't work. She threw a glance at the clock and saw that it was sometime after ten in the morning, which made her worry that some chambermaid would show up. Or that a concerned Lady Wylla would.
Podrick woke up from being shaken by his shoulder, his eyes opened and rolled back before they closed again, he was exhausted, everything hurt and he groaned lowly when he hear his name being called; then, he turned with some difficulty and he opened his eyes.
Sansa saw Podrick giving her something between an angelic and stupid grin and it took her few seconds to understand that he wasn't fully awake yet so she rolled her eyes impatiently, "You need to leave before—"
He grabbed her elbow, "Why do you have to be so gorgeous?" he whispered on a smiling sigh.
"—a maid comes in." She was stunned by his words, by the tease and the warmth in his hushed voice that barely reached her ears; she was stunned by the way his hand traveled from her elbow to her wrist, by not being afraid of his touch, by the way in which he slowly but surely woke up.
For an instant she did feel overwhelmed by his caress but that feeling vanished as soon as he released her. She stepped back, his words were echoing in her head and she felt something like excitement because they were both disconcerting and secretly appreciated. Her cheeks were burning.
Her stepping back made Podrick realize that she was real and not part of a dream like he believed. With some frustration, he unsuccessfully tried to untangle himself from the blanket that was wrapped around his body, which made the situation even worse; feeling humiliated he quickly sat up before standing to finish his task but he promptly realized that it was better not to, what with the tightening he felt in his pants.
He sat down again and blused even more profusely, "I'm sorry." he managed mortified while fixing his eyes on the floor as he bent over to pick up his sword. Gripping the blanket to his shoulder with the other hand, he stood and he rushed to the door, not wanting to add another questionable second to this, "I fell asleep, I meant to leave before dawn and...I don't know…" he looked back over his shoulder as he tried to make out the sounds outside and as he realized she hadn't taken notice of his predicament, "I'm sorry, Ma'am, I'm truly sorry. About everything." He said before making his escape.
Sansa could see that he was as embarrassed as she was and she thought he would just open the door and leave but he stopped to silently make sure that there was no one on the hall and then, from one moment to the next, he was gone.
Shit, shit, shit!
Podrick entered his room in a rush, he closed the door behind him and slumped against it feeling utterly embarrassed as he let go of the blanket. Shit, shit, shit, he was an idiot!
But at least she hadn't noticed his excitement... at least there was that. He paced the room feeling mortified as he tried to recall any sign of her realizing it but there was nothing. Several minutes passed before he slowly started to calm down, before his mind jump to that othermatter.
Had he really called her gorgeous?
He didn't know which of the two incidents was worse. And the day was just beginning.
He threw himself on the bed closing his eyes and went over the memory; he remembered her expression, stunned but pleased at the compliment, though she had hidden her reaction almost immediately; she had masterfully set aside her own inappropriate emotions... or had he imagined that? He wondered with no small amount of doubt.
He had probably imagined it. But he wasn't fully convinced.
Complimenting her beauty was, aside from stupid, one of the three inappropriate things that had happened in the last ten hours. And he didn't know what was worse, his body's indiscreet reaction or not having given her a more specific compliment instead of just her overall beauty.
She was more than just beautiful, surely, she was used to be told that but, as another beautiful woman had once advised him, he should have remarked on one of her features; 'she'll remember you more that way than if you just call her beautiful'.
And her clear eyes were a sight to behold. A sight he had only recently been able to admire openly and up close.
Podrick decided not to leave the room until it felt like it was necessary or until she requested it. And that's how a soldier found him hours later, laying down and still mortified, as he came in to tell him that Her Grace was going to take a tour of the whole castle in half an hour and wasn't he going with her?
Sansa didn't see Podrick joining her but a movement from the corner of her eye let her know it was him. She certainly tried to focus on the tour and the history of the place, paying no mind to what had transpired that morning. She could tell that he was too because she heard him ask a few questions about the defense strategies in battle, probably feeling confident that at the moment he was regarded as a sort of brave hero and that no one would reproach him breaking a guard's expected silence.
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By midafternoon, Sansa was in the library reading the biography of Lord William Dustin; she honestly hadn't read the whole book, just the end where the Lord came across her own father when he accompanied him to the Tower of Joy where he honorably lost his life trying to rescue Lady Lyanna Stark.
Lord Eddard Stark didn't return Lord Willam's bones, claiming that he had been buried in Dorne.
She traced that last line with her thumb. Those words felt cutting and final. That was the reason why Lady Barbrey held a grudge against her father, against her family; he had come back to Winterfell with his sister's remains but he hadn't returned her husband's to her.
And she couldn't blame the woman.
She felt Podrick move at another table, he was nodding off against the book he was trying to read as they awaited the arrival of her army.
Sansa tried to ignored him as she had been doing all day so she threw back her head against the soft back of the armchair and she closed her eyes ...Trying to rescue her aunt... it now was public knowledge that it hadn't been a rescue. That had probably made the woman feel even angrier.
Now, after making herself at home at Barrow Hall without the knowledge of the Lady, she would have to write a heartfelt apology to Lady Barbrey on her and her family's behalf. Sansa was well aware that it was due to her own arrogance that she hadn't apologized to her after the woman's pledge to her.
Once more, she went over her aunt Lyanna's terrible decision, after all these years she still didn't understand how she had decided to run away with Prince Rhaegar, What was she thinking? What was going on in her head to justify her actions? ...Did her feelings for the Prince change at all when she heard that the King killed her father and brother? That the entire realm went to war over her kidnapping? Did she ever regret it? If Bran was more open with his powers, she would have already convinced him to look into those moments.
A while later, Podrick woke up to find Her Grace sleeping on the armchair and once again he wanted to kick himself because of what happened that morning, but instead he found himself studying her. She was a strikingly beautiful woman. She had always been beautiful but now he was aware of how much, especially because of how close they had gotten. It hadn't been a problem before.
He had accepted that he needed to keep his distance; it actually was the one good thing he found in the situation, his one certainty. The bad things were the temptation and the innumerable fantasies that had started to take hold of his mind...
The moment was broken when she took a deep breath in and out. In the past days, some transgressions had been committed but mostly because of the circumstances. And not only by him, by her too. What was that? Inviting him into her room for the night? It hadn't been what it would seem from the outside but she wasn't in a position to be the talk of the realm.
Right now he could admit that he was dumbfounded by her beauty and by her attention —because she was showering him with attention, he was not blind to her subtle flirtations—but he knew how to comport himself, or he thought he did, but accepting her invitation was done on an impulse, it was a mistake.
He saw that the book she had been holding was about to fall so he carefully approached her, mindful of not waking her. Even more carefully, he softly placed his hand on her wrist, moving it as he took the book from her. She didn't react at all. He put her hand on the arm of the chair whilst making a note of how soft and white her skin was, since she wasn't wearing gloves; this part of the North wasn't as cold.
He drew away as gingerly as he had approached and he found his way to a table that was even further that the one he occupied before. But he continued to study her, never before had he been as fascinated by a sleeping woman, a dressed one, no less, a devilish voiced whispered in his mind.
And she was the Queen, he shouldn't be thinking those things.
If her brother found out about his thoughts... well, he'd do more than just admonish him for his behavior.
He lifted his head when Lady Wylla came into the library some minutes later. She signaled for him to remain seated as she took a seat facing him.
"My lady," he greeted as he bowed his head. He had noticed in several occasions that she and the Queen evidently knew each other from their youth.
She bowed her head and went straight to the point, "Ser Podrick, I thought you a true gentleman when your first arrived at this castle and when she told me how you had respected her through all of your adventures, and that she appreciates and admires you as a person..." seeing him blush at that wasn't helping."This morning I was awake when you two... I heard how you rejected her at first..." her words made him tense up.
He felt uncomfortable and suddenly quite hot, "A situation that's easy to misconstrue, my lady," he said keeping control, unwilling to show that he was as worried as he truly was, "She... she is still mistrustful and fearful. She doesn't feel entirely safe. I was only guarding her from inside the room." That last part sounded so ridiculous no one would believe it. "I was only keeping her company, nothing improper happened. She's a lady, you know her."
It was because she knew her that she believed the guard's words, but they didn't mean it hadn't been improper. What difference it made him guarding her from the outside? In any case, it had been her who ordered the maids not to wake up the Queen, to let her rest until she felt like it and she called for them. She didn't want talk about the Queen spreading around. "... I understand she's been through a lot and I'm sure you're telling the truth, Ser Podrick, but you know very well that your actions were improper."
"I know, my lady. But I didn't disrespect her, I never have."
Wylla was trying not to let that pique her interestbut it did. She believed Sansa and she was aware of her fears and misgivings in regards to men but no matter how respectable the Queen tried to come across, in more than one occasion during the previous evening and in the morning, she had witness the way in which both of them, Queen and Guard, sought each other's eyes... The longing looks made it obvious that it wasn't because of the young Kingsguard's outstanding work, and on top of it, he was appealing in a nonthreatening way.
Anyway, in the end, it had been the Queen who had invited him into her chamber and that was definitely not the Sansa Stark she knew. She had always been a lady through and through, "I understand that the Queen is a beautiful woman and it's hard to resist her—"
"—She's and admirable woman." he admitted as he cut her off, "But I don't serve her because she is beautiful, I do it because it's my duty and ...we were trying to survive." He was defensive and very aware that he had been caught with his hands in the cookie jar so he stood, "If you excuse me, I'll be outside keeping watch, my lady."
She steeled herself before speaking because she knew she wasn't in a position to do so and it wasn't like her, either, "...The Queen is out of the reach of someone like you, Ser Podrick." she reminded him, "and you'll have to forgive my harsh words as I don't mean to offend you. Believe me when I tell you that both the Queen and I hold you in the highest of regards after your services..."
He felt so foolish when his first instinct was to act cordially and thank her for her final words, "Don't worry, my lady, I know my place, she's not my type and most importantly, I am a Kingsguard and I abide by my vows." He said, miffed.
Then he'd be one of the very few ones who did. Several ideas came to mind on how he could proceed without breaking his oaths to his King. Though she suspected that the Queen would be scandalized at the mere insinuation.
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Once a portion of her army had arrived, a private meeting was held to notify the Queen ofall the information her soldiers had collected, mostly under torture; they had been waiting for a few minutes until she digested the information.
"How shall we proceed, my Queen?" Palmer, the newest Commander of her army asked when she came back to the room with her advisors. The previous Commander had stepped down from his position because of his errors and he had stayed behind with the remaining forces at Torrhen Square as a foot soldier to make it up to her.
How to proceed. Sansa had made that decision years ago, that's why Cersei came to her in dreams; her conscience was screaming against the order she's have to give for the first time.
She needed to ensure her own safety. She had to be ruthless to solve one issue and to send a necessary message. This wasn't just for her but for all of the men and women who had been murdered. "For the men who participated in the attack... if they have families, give them a choice, death or Castle Black."
"And the ones who don't?"
"Take off their heads, impale them and display them at the outskirts of the castles of the Lords who hired them. I want for this to be a lesson."
That took Podrick by surprise as he had though the first part sounded just but the second part... leaving the heads out for everyone to see... that would leave a bitter aftertaste.
"And the lords and their families?"
"Everyone involved will pay. The innocent will live. But make it clear to them that their lands and titles will be taken from them. They'll leave their homes only with what they can carry in their arms." That was a sign of mercy; if they were smart, the relatives of those lords would take the gold and jewelry that would help them start over more easily.
Lord Manderly didn't think this was fair... "…and the lords who betrayed you, Ma'am?" she had granted titles to a couple of them,the ungrateful bastards.
"...I wish for their bannermen to swear and show their loyalty to me by dethroning their lords, but let them know I want them alive." She knew that's where she was going with to be met with objections.
"...What you ask will cause internal wars in those castles, Ma'am," Podrick found himself speaking and he immediately realized what a mistake that was because, however much help he had been and whatever esteem she had for him, he was still a foreigner that didn't belong in the North. A simple guard whose opinions he should keep to himself, or at least share them less openly.
Sansa saw the disapproval of Lord Stout and several other men in the room for the insolence, Lord Harry, was one of them and so she stopped herself from looking in Podrick's direction. "I know."
That was the most likely outcome; when the people inside the besieged castles realized they were out of options, they would rebel and her armies wouldn't come into play unless the winning side was the one opposing her. "I want information directly from the mouth of those involved, if possible. I want to know why they attacked, who else is involved, who financed it, if they're planning more attacks..."
"And once we get the information out of them?"
"We will rip them out, root and stem. Their heads displayed on the tallest walls of their castles." What was more likely? That her army would use torture to collect information that wouldn't lead them to the final piece of the puzzle or that their own bannermen, who knew each other well, who mistrusted each other, would do the dirty work for her...
"That last thing might come at a high price for the towns that surround those castles Ma'am." Palmer decided to try to make her change her mind.
"Those are my orders." Sansa had figured that many wouldn't agree with her decision. "Lower the taxes in the towns closest to those castles as a show of The Crown's good will to the vassals of those disloyal lords."
Lord Manderly decided to talk, feeling it was appropriate to do so, "If you want to rip them out root and stem, you can't let the Lords' families live, you know this, Ma'am."
She did know, who could say that one of those children would try to get revenge in a decade... but she couldn't bring herself to order that. "I don't think, my lord, that you would appreciate it if I condemned Wylis, Wynafryd or Wylla for your mistakes, would you?"
"If they thought about attacking your, Ma'am they've though about how you'd punish them. They've risked their families on their own volition." She lowered her gaze in acknowledgement to his point. "Womanly mercies are not something you can allow in your reign."
Sansa knew Lord Manderly didn't mean to offend but it still felt like it. She lifter her eyes and studied everyone in the room, men, all of them, some of their eyes betrayed agreement with the Lord, others were staring at her blankly and a few were judging her, "It's not mercy, it's justice."
She licked her lips and Theon came to mind, "Take a son from each of the lord's families if you wish, make them your wards, Winterfell will take none." Theon had been her father's weapon to keep Balon Greyjoy true to the Crown since a betrayal would mean the death of his only son and heir to the Iron Islands. "You won't take their lives." she added because, though Theon had been a hostage of her father's, he had been kind to him.
And still, Theon had betrayed her family, Winterfell and the North.
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Hours after having finished working out the details with her advisors and the command of her army she still expected more questionings; the final one came from Podrick as they walked along her two guards.
"Heads on stakes, Ma'am?" they both knew where that was coming from.
"...Loyalty is paramount to me, and the Lords who support me know it. But, as much as I reward loyalty, I condemn betrayal."
"...That seems fair. That's not what that concerns me. It's just that, such methods seem so extreme..." He dared say.
Not as extreme as Lord Manderly's, she gave him a sideways glance, "It wasn't an easy decision to make. In a moment of weakness I might be inclined to take it back but I can't. I won't." After a moment she asked for his opinion, "What would you have done?"
Podrick just shook his head without answering, "I've never been in a position to make those decisions, I just execute them."
Sansa didn't reply and she marched to the library where scroll and ink awaited her. After some minutes she found herself writing a heartfelt apology to Lady Barbrey on behalf of House Stark and her reasons for having to stay longer in her castle since she would be safer there while all the pieces were set in motion. She was well aware that the scroll would reach the woman days after she had already departed and that made it easier to write.
In order to avoid political messes, the Knights of the Vale would not join her army in pursue of justice; instead, a number of them would escort her back to Winterfell. They would be arriving in two days, they would rest and they would leave first thing in the following morning along with a portion of her army as the rest would have set out already to impart and enforce her orders.
So many worries had taken precedence over the morning's incident with Podrick. But as he walked her to her room she heard him speak again.
"Won't your decision weight on your conscience?" After all, she was a woman and though nothing in her betrayed any weakness of character, he knew her since King's Landing, where she had been someone else. He knew that a part, even a very small part, of the innocent young woman she had been, was still in her.
"Losing sleep over this or over my safety... I prefer the former, believe me. Besides, my orders aren't unjust."
"How will your brother welcome the men who choose castle Black?" he felt her steps slowing down and he looked at her to see her lips thinning and her eyes getting lost, "That's something that will affect those men's decisions..."
There was nothing to worry about with Jon, he wouldn't find out what had happened formonths. "He's more concerned with the Free Folk's settlements than with enforcing the law of the Night's Watch." she revealed. And it had been Jon in her mind when she refused to proceed as suggested by Lord Manderly, children shouldn't pay for their father's sins.
Actually, Podrick had thought that Jon Snow was acting as Lord Commander of the Night's Watch but sensing that something about the matter made her uneasy, he didn't continue that line of inquiry.
Suddenly, a thought passed through Sansa's mind, "Ser Podrick, would you say I'm a good Queen?" she whispered her question as her guards were behind them.
"...From what I've seen and heard I do, Ma'am. Honestly."
Sansa nodded and threw her guards a look over her shoulder, a request for some privacy as Podrick and her continued walking and when they were far enough as not to be heard she spoke, "I don't," she admitted. "Keep this between the two of us but my main concern sometimes is not the people but my own safety... Bran knows, do you remember the words he sent with you?"
"… Yes."
'The North will continue to be independent as long as I am King,I promise, since you are doing a good job of unifying it, and I know that, among other things, you have the best interest of your people at heart, which is the most important thing.'
"I make an effort to serve my people well, to keep the Lords happy, to leave the Stark name high, but the main reason why I do all that is because that's how I earn my own safety."
He let that sink in, "...I think you're over-thinking it. Your own safety will always be your priority, if you don't have that, how will you help anyone else?"
That wasn't an answer she expected, seeing as he overlooked her selfishness. "You're right," she lied since she didn't see what use it would be to argue or explain herself better. Wanting to have this conversation was a sign of weakness. "Lord Stout and some of the men didn't like you speaking up in the meeting today."
Podrick nodded,having expected her admonishing him because of it, "I apologize, I know it wasn't my place to speak, Ma'am." I'm just a Guard, not an advisor or your subject."
Which marked a great difference in their status, something she kept forgetting for some reason, "But I do consider your opinion, Ser Podrick, even if you're not my subject I gave you permission to speak your mind, remember?"
Podrick surely remembered that conversation they had had while playing chess. It seemed so long ago and not even a month had passed, since. Since she wasn't admonishing him he decided to tease her, "I'm an advisor for your wellbeing? You didn't put it in those words but..." he let his words die as his eyes sought hers.
She smiled in return as her heart started beating hard and she felt a blush creep in, "...Yes, something like that."
They came to a stop before the door to her chamber. His job was still to guard her though not to stand before her door, she had implied that when she ordered two of her Guards to do that job for the night. When she stepped inside the room he couldn't help but look at her and he caught her attention because her eyes were seeking his too.
One of the guards shut the door, right then.
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A select group of people were gathered in the Great Hall the following night.
She was accompanied by Lord Manderly and his granddaughter, the head of his army and of the Dustin army, Lord Stout, Palmer, her advisors —among which there was Lord Harry, whose leg had been injured– and of course, Ser Podrick, the guest of honor, with everyone celebrating his heroism.
Lord Manderly was talking quietly with Lord Cromwell in a corner, "It's not because I have great esteem for her and her family but I don't see what those Lords wanted. I truly think there's no one better to rule. And if there were, it was definitely none of them.
Lord Cromwell nodded, "At first I thought you were involved, My Lord." he said and immediately saw the man flare up indignantly, "I apologize, my Lord, but financing such an attack requires deep pockets. And yours are the deepest in the North."
Lord Manderly tried to tame his reaction to the man's words and not to make a scene by bringing the cup of ale to his lips and taking a big drink, "If I had had anything to do with it, it would have been better organized! Not some shitty men, doing a shitty job!"
Lord Cromwell admitted his mistake, "I Know, My Lord." He refilled the cup to placate the man, "My most sincere apologies. Trust me, that was a personal opinion, which the Queen did not share. She even scolded me when I mentioned it."
Lord Manderly took a deep breath as he remembered her distraught appearance in the wheelhouse; while Podrick Payne took a nap, he had been offering his hand in support and she took it gratefully as some tears fell down her cheeks. Tears from relief, which she let fall once she felt safe beside him, "You listen and listen well, Lord Cromwell, I'll never act against House Stark."
At the other end of the room, Lord Harry decided to interject in another conversation, "It must have been uncomfortable to wear armor, Ma'am."
Sansa had already thanked him for defending her during the attack and to continue doing so after she disappeared; after all, that wasn't his job. "It was," she admitted, she still had bruises on her legs and arms and a blister or two. "It made me further admire the way in which soldiers move so gracefully with all that weight on them, and I was only wearing a soldier's armor, not a knight's."
"It makes me feel grateful that my man stabbed Ser Podrick and not you, Ma'am, the armor you were wearing was quite shoddy. Don't take that the wrong way, Ser Podrick."
"Well, your soldier didn't kill me, so I won't." he said making some of the men smile.
"I'll only say, my lords, that the one thing I'm taking with me is that I could get used to dressing like a man. Other than the chain mail and the armor, I found men's clothes to be quite comfortable." The Lords laughed loudly and she stole a gaze towards Podrick who smiled silently at her as he fixed her with his eyes.
Just for a second she thought of how ironic it was that she was worried sick, her soldiers were out there looking for retaliation but she was also enjoying the sense of security she felt with the people around her in that room. She was content and at peace with her drastic decision.
Or maybe the wine was lifting some of the weight off her shoulders.
Lord Manderly was the first one to retire, apologizing for his old age and aches and his granddaughter went with him. The commanders of the armies also retired, as well as some of her advisors. When Wylla came back only three advisors remained along with Lord Harry, The Queen and Podrick.
"You're the big hero of the hour, Ser Podrick." Lord Harry stated, unwilling to admit he was somewhat envious, if only he had chosen the other direction he would have be the one to save the Queen.
The soldiers already gave you a nick name: The Queen's Loyal Defender." Lord Cromwell said in jest.
Podrick blushed feeling embarrassed by the attention and he straightened up, "I don't think Snow will like to hear that." he joked and he could tell it was funny to most of those present but specially her because the tiniest of smiles appeared on her face and it reached her eyes as she looked at him intently, well, it was the joke or the wine, "That is an over exaggerated name, don't you think, so Ma'am? We did nothing but run and hide."
She wasn't sure if those words were meant to remind her of the last night they had spent together and so it took her a few seconds to come up with something to say, "Running and hiding is much better than a heroic fight to the death, especially when I'm involved," she was not made for fighting.
"You killed four or five men, Ser Podrick" Lord Harry remarked skipping over the Queen's words. Four men outside the inn and another one in the house were they hid. At least he had killed more and he reminded the table of it with his words.
"Oh, who's counting, My Lord?" Podrick replied humbly, something he had learned from Brienne herself. Maybe he was slow on the uptake because it took him a moment to realize that what the Lord was trying to do was to highlight his ten kills over Podrick's four or five. He took a deep breath and he looked at Lord Cromwell and then at the Queen, "Ser Brienne once told me that there was no honor in keeping count..." he said injecting distaste in his voice to shut the Lord up and when she nodded he went on, "And, frankly, there's no interest either." He then took two sips from his cup.
It was no secret to Lord Cromwell that Lord Harry was angry at Ser Podrick, and he was about to say something but the Queen beat him to it.
Sansa spoke after taking a sip of wine, "...I don't think I would be standing here safe and sound if it wasn't for you, Ser Podrick."
Podrick's heart set off with the way she was looking at him, intently and with interest, he struggled to swallow and a heat washed over him. She couldn't be more tantalizing if she tried. Could she?
Breathlessly he tried not to focus on the beautiful image she was presenting, the torchlight dancing on her, on her hair and her eyes fixed on him. he bowed as if to thank her to then look at Lord Harry and pretend to be interested in him and his injury, "I heard you injured your ligament?" was the only thing he managed to come up with.
Wylla took a sip of her wine whilst noticing once again the longing looks between the Queen and the Knight when they thought no one was watching. And she couldn't be the only one noticing them, so she took a close look around.
"With all due respect, Ma'am, are you aware that in certain circles, Ser Podrick's presence by your side will bring a certain type of comments?" Lord Cromwell decided to interject; he certainly wasn't worried about it, he knew the Queen's character and that Ser Podrick abode by his vows, but ill-intentioned people wouldn't skip over that tidbit.
Lord Harry nodded, seizing the chance to get back at Ser Podrick for making him look bad before. "...It's no secret that Ser Podrick loves women and you're the most desirable woman in Westeros." Out of the corner of his eyes, he could see the knight getting uncomfortable, "The song writes itself. Especially with his reputation."
"What reputation?" Lady Wylla asked, her interest piqued.
Sansa didn't address Lady Wylla's question and neither did her advisors, "...I can't control the rumor mill. And frankly, that's not what's keeping me up these days."
"Whoever starts thinking that we were preoccupied with anything other than to survive, they'd be terribly wrong" Podrick Interjected, "Besides, that sort of talk is as damaging for me as it is for her.
The silence stretched for a couple of moments until Sansa stood, making everyone else stand too. "If you'll excuse me, I think the wine has gone to my head..." after a few steps she felt someone behind her and she turned to see Podrick walking toward her and her guards, more kindle for the fire, she thought at his complete lack of tact. "Your services aren't required, Ser Podrick. I told you, take the nights off." she said but he continued walking with her and when she saw him throwing a look at the guards behind them she realized that he didn't mean for them to listen to what he was about to say.
Sansa gestured to the soldiers to keep their distance while she and Podrick went a bit farther. They remained visible but they had made it into the yard.
"Lady Wylla knows that two nights ago I slept in your chambers." he whispered, meaning to warn her as he hadn't remembered to do so before. Their eyes met and Podrick couldn't stop the thrill he felt when he saw her blush and the yearning in her eyes.
"...I'm aware…we had a chat about the impropriety of the situation..." a chat that seemed quite absurd, though she hadn't said that to the woman, she had just gone along with it, "Lady Wylla means well. She just wants the best for me. The right thing for me... and for you too."
"For me?" he let out the air he had been holding, "…she doesn't know about my reputation, once she does I'm not too sure she's going to wish the best for me..."
"Trust me, you don't have to worry. I know Lady Wylla, Ser Podrick."
"...I hope you do, Ma'am" he didn't want to have a stain on his reputation as a Kingsguard.
"And, if you don't mind me asking, what kind of reputation was Lord Harry referring to?" she dared ask and he immediately turned red like she hadn't seen him before, his neck, his face and even his ears seem to be about to explode, he mumbled something as he looked anywhere but at her, and Sansa couldn't act serious anymore.
He saw her fight off a mischievous smile before lowering her head to chuckle quietly; it was the first time he heard such a sound from her, "...You know?" he asked mortified.
Sansa nodded without facing him, not that she fully believed his reputation since she had reasons to doubt it. But for now, she was very amused by his distress.
Podrick didn't know what else to say; denying his reputation was impossible, saying he was ashamed of it would be lying because, though he was ashamed right then, he had never felt that before. And the fact that she seemed to find it funny was oddly delightful since it should have been something that made her uncomfortable. He really couldn't be more mortified.
She lifted her head again not expecting her eyes immediately meeting his and she felt more embarrassed; she averted his eyes before continuing, "...I assume you're rather used to impressing women."
...And he found he could indeed be more mortified; she continued teasing and he continued blushing as he groaned, "You're embarrassing me, Ma'am," he was practicallybegging her to stop.
His words and whining made it funnier to her, though she was growing aware of the heat rising in her, "...Somehow I don't believe that."
Podrick wasn't sure how to take this moment, on the one hand her teasing was new and surprising and it thrilled him, but couldn't she pick another subject? One less personal? Something they could both make fun of? "...anyway, it wouldn't be proper for me to discuss it with you."
Her cheeks were burning as a pleasant bashfulness took over her, some yearning too, and as much as she tried to get serious she couldn't quite erase the smile from her face, "I'm not looking to discuss it, Ser Podrick, I just meant to tease."
"Ah... that makes me feel much better." he answered jokingly and with a tentative smile that made hers bigger, which in turn made his widen even more, though he was still embarrassed, "...did you have a lot to drink, Ma'am?" That was the only reason why she would be going about this so lightheartedly.
She was about to deny it, to say that she truly had had just three, four cups, tops and that when she said that the wine had gone to her head had only been an excuse to leave, but she decided it was better not to because then it would really be improper for her be having this conversation with him. "I'm fine."
They held each other's eyes for a long beat and they slowly grew serious, Podrick swallowed and looked at her mouth.
Once more, Sansa found herself wanting, yearning for a kiss.
When his eyes went back to hers she held his gaze, an unrecognizable urge was taking hold of her chest, her stomach shrank and she was left breathless, she could see that he was too. She licked her lips unwittingly and he made the slightest of moves when her gazed strayed to the guards behind Podrick and it was just then that she saw a flash of movement coming from where he was standing; she barely heard him biding her a good night before leaving her alone.
He had found himself getting lost in her eyes, inexorably lost but when she looked to the guards the spell was broken, it took him just an instant to feel certain that he wasn't misinterpreting the signs, he knew he couldn't resist whatever it was she wanted from him, so he acted on an impulse, "good night," he said in a rush as he left her behind before she could reply.
She was a Queen. A Queen! She would never want to have something with him, she was confused. He knew it because he knew her. Because he was confused too.
Their minds were playing tricks on them; all of this was because of the events from the previous days, because of the attack; it was inevitable that their closeness would lead to feelings. It was like a mirage. They were safe now and those feelings would fade soon enough.
To him, she would go back to being the unattainable, unreachable Queen and in contrast, he would go back to being a simple Kingsguard, unfit to even kiss the ground she walks on.
It was best to be prudent and not to make a mistake.
Even if it was the sweetest mistake he'd ever want to make.
And so had she.
He would need to have a strong will in the following days. He just knew it.
He knew it because, had they been truly alone he would have leaned in and kissed her.
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Once again thanks to fangfaceandrea for the translation!
And guys, fangfaceandrea and I are writting a Podsa story! Very, very different to this one, way more happy and less dramatic, you should check it out! Quarantine.
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