Chapter 9: Chapter 9
The previous afternoon, Sansa had changed her mind about the Knights of the Vale. If she hadn't, they would be riding to Winterfell right then but she had chosen to give them a full day of rest instead. It was the least she could do, after all, they owed her nothing, it was her who had to be thankful for the loyalty and the esteem Lord Royce felt towards her.
And then, in the morning, when she had run into Podrick, neither one was able to hold the other's eyes without blushing and making and effort to ignore the other.
She was embarrassed and he was... who knew? Probably ashamed of having refused her. Last night she had resolved not to think about it anymore but it seemed it was all she could think about. Even as she tried to busy herself and focus on the realm's matters, she didn't quite manage it.
The only thing that helped her set the matter aside was when, at noon, two ravens arrived with the news that two houses had already gotten rid of their traitorous lords and that they were more than willing to pledge their houses to her. "What will we do with their castles? Who will we sit there?" she asked her advisors.
"I have a list here, Ma'am," Lord Cromwell said as he handed her two scrolls.
She nodded as she looked at the list, pleased to see the name of one of her best liked lords heading it. A reward for loyalty. Still, she worried about how near-by towns would welcome their new lords. "Make sure that they don't leave the heads on the walls for over two days" she couldn't remember if she had said that to her army.
"After this attack, Ma'am, I think it be a good idea to increase the number of soldiers in your army. It'd be the prudent thing to do."
Finding more men willing to risk their lives wasn't impossible but it wasn't easy, "I was thinking about what you said a few months ago about Arya and Ser Brienne's popularity making women want to train or enlist, we could take advantage of that when we recruit."
"And we've said that would bring more troubles than solutions."
"...Well, It's worth a try at least."
"Ma'am are you proposing a women-only army?"
"No. But I also know how most men think so we would have to think about it more before implementing it."
"The first and second squads of the Army already left for Winterfell, Ma'am. They canvassed the roads and they'll be waiting for you at the chosen strategic points."
"Some lords are planning on visiting Winterfell after your arrival to celebrate and pledge themselves to you again, Ma'am."
"Oh, there's no need for that, we'll have our quarterly meeting in two months, they can do it then if they wish. Let them know I appreciate their intentions but that now I want to focus on the consequences of the attack."
The meeting continued along those lines.
.
.
.
In those days, Her Grace used to break her fast in her room and then have lunch with her advisors and whoever wanted to be in her presence. But on that particular day she didn't have lunch with her advisors or the lords and Podrick thought it might be to avoid him.
That's why he found himself once more being welcomed among the lords' table and sharing a meal with them, "I can't think of asking anything in return for having helped her, my lord," he answered Lord Cromwell.
"Ah! Ser Podrick, if you were Her Grace's subject, you'd be named a Lord right about now, you'd be claiming one of those castles that will soon be emptied." That was an exaggeration, though.
"That's quite generous, My Lord. But I'm a Kingsguard; I can't own lands or hold titles."
"Or have a family," added another lord, "Listen to me, you lose nothing by giving up your post. You already earned one here in the North."
Podrick smiled at them as he tipped his cup in appreciation for their words though he wasn't sure Her Grace was aware of exactly how they were trying to show their gratitude.
"You don't quit the Kingsguard, you die serving... leaving the Guard would be dishonorable, so, My Lord, I wouldn't exactly be praised for it."
Things were as they were, even in the North where those Southern traditions were absent. He knew he had made his point when that stopped the lords from going discussing the matter further.
Suddenly, a lady's maid came into the room and interrupted them asking him to come with her, saying that Lord Royce was calling on him. Podrick immediately stood and set out to find the lord but when he got there the man wasn't alone, Lord Harry and Her Grace were with him.
She was sitting behind the desk. He noticed her blushing as she bowed her head in greeting, just as he was blushing while shaking Lord Royce's hand in a more solemn greeting than the one he offered when the man first arrived.
Lord Harry stood in front of a window as he took in the landscape while he listened to the praises for the man who, in his own words said that the only thing he had done was hiding and avoiding a fight in those first hours only to run away later. And he, he who had killed over eight of their enemies and who would surely carry an injury for life was being ignored by everyone. Not that he was looking for praise; he just wanted an acknowledgment for his efforts.
From her reflection on the window he could see she wasn't paying attention to the men as she was rather focused on a scroll, and he figured she too was getting annoyed at the adulation for the guard.
Sansa was listening without paying too much attention, mostly she remarked on the fact that the two men had seen each other a couple of times after Robyn's wedding. That's how she found out that Lord Royce had been in close contact with Lord Tyrion, Lord Bronn and her brother.
It was that which made her raise her eyes to them but they didn't say anything to reveal why those meetings had taken place. Unexpectedly, Lord Royce patted Ser Podrick on the back with enough force to push him forward like he was doll, it clearly hurt because he emitted a yelp as his eyes closed in discomfort.
"Ma'am, you couldn't have had anyone better than Ser Podrick by your side."
Podrick feigned a smile at Lord Royce but he was still reeling from the pat he had just endured. It had hurt. He saw that Her Grace offered Lord Royce a cold and polite smile before lowering her eyes to the scroll once more.
"Ser Podrick Payne, a brave, gentle and strong man."
Out of nowhere those words struck Sansa with the memory of her father and Arya, and with how stupid she had been as a child. She tried not to show she was startled as she thought about her father, who certainly wouldn't have thought about someone like Podrick Payne for her.
He was brave, that much was true. Gentle too, maybe too gentle, she thought mischievously, but, hadn't it been his gentleness what first made her take notice of him? And as for strong? Maybe it was because he was gentle that he didn't appear to be strong.
No, Podrick wasn't what came to mind when she pictured a brave, gentle and strong man. But he was. And as she thought about it she felt herself blushing... oh, thanks to Lord Royce she had even more things to consider about Podrick.
Lord Royce took a hold of Podrick and shook him with emotion, "and you, Ser Podrick, earning the trust of not just a King but a Queen too?" Admirable. Truly admirable. Won't you tell me how you did it?"
Although Podrick didn't like the man's roughness, he appreciated his words so he smiled, "...like they don't already have you in their highest esteem, my lord..." he tried not to throw a glance at her and failing, only to find her averting his eyes, which made him feel awkward again.
"...Oh Ser Podrick, certainly not in the same way as you."
Lord Harry got lost in thought as he listened, he didn't like how friendly and familiar the Lord was with the guard, too friendly in his opinion; he should at least look down on Podrick for all the gossip about him and the Queen two years ago after his daughter's wedding to Robin Arryn.
When he came back to the conversation, Lord Royce was now praising the Queen, "Careful Lord Royce, if someone hears you they may say you're a traitor to the southern Crown." he joked, because, though the man was subject of the King, there was no doubt that he'd prefer to be the Queen's.
"Oh, my friend, the King himself knows about my predilection. Sansa Stark has become a formidable woman in my eyes. I always carry her and her father in my heart."
Sansa lowered the scroll feeling that it was appropriate, required, to intervene, "During your time at Winterfell you were a mentor and a guide, Lord Royce, I'll always be thankful to you. Even more so now that you bothered coming to–"
"It was no bother at all, Ma'am. It was only what duty called for. Believe me, not knowing what had become of you was far worse. The whole of Westeros was on edge."
She bowed her head. Had he been anyone else, Sansa would doubt his words but she knew him to be sincere; she was in his highest esteem and her throat closed as she acknowledged it. She'd like to ignore the fact that she had been feeling emotional since last night. "Thank you, Lord Royce, for everything you've done for me." she was being completely sincere right then.
Lord Royce smiled, pleased, feeling a melancholic kind of affection for the Queen. After a few moments he turned to Ser Podrick again, "I'll be honest, Ser Podrick, I used to hold you in high regards because of your character and hard work but I did think your position as a Kingsguard was only due to being the Lord Commander's protégé but now!" he shook his head, "you have proved your worth, my friend."
Lost in his effusiveness, Lord Royce didn't realize what he was saying could be taken as an offense. Podrick silently nodded along, he was used to people thinking the same and he often thought about himself in those terms, Sansa thought.
"I'm glad to have proven myself to you, my lord." he stated a bit hesitant as he looked to Her Grace, who also seemed to think that doubting his abilities wasn't something the man should have done.
He took a breath as he remembered talking about it in her room. Suddenly he felt three hard slaps on his back that knocked the air out of him before finding himself wrapped in a short but tight embrace.
"…Oh, Ser Podrick, Ser Podrick, Ser Podrick…"
"Ugh, my lord, please! Remember my wound!"
Despite what happened between them the previous night, Sansa couldn't help but be amused by the exchange and by seeing Ser Podrick get free only to grab hold of the back of a chair and lean on it like an old man, obviously pleased by the compliments but in pain.
Podrick didn't want to make a big deal of the injury but he couldn't help it. Except, he forgot about it as soon as he opened his eyes to see a lopsided smile on her face that set his heart off and made everything else disappear, he blushed but felt lighter because she wouldn't be mocking him like this if she was really angry, he mirrored her smile.
After a moment he saw that she was flustered and she tried to cover it but he could only stare at her more and swallow, though by now he was gripping the seat just to avoid throwing himself at her feet with a thousand apologies.
With interest, Lord Harry saw Her Grace and Ser Podrick smiling at each other on the reflection on the window, it was a calm sort of exchange that he had never seen on her. He turned intending to witness it more clearly but as soon as they felt him move, Ser Podrick straightened and looked another way while her face hardened and her eyes sought the scroll once more. What was all that about? He wondered exasperated.
Lord Royce continued his tirade after Ser Podrick had gotten a hold of himself, "...and not just to me but before to the North. To her. To the King, to everyone."
He could sense Lord Harry studying him closely, "Again, I thank you, My Lord." he replied to Lord Royce as he made an effort not to look at her.
Lord Harry studied them for a few minutes and saw nothing of concern; of course they were more comfortable around each other after what had happened... but then, on the reflection he saw Podrick's eyes seek hers again for a couple of seconds as Lord Royce went on speaking.
"From now on, you'll have to keep Ser Podrick by your side, ma'am... if I'm not mistaken, didn't you once tell me he also helped you in your escape for Castle Black?"
"I was just aiding Ser Brienne, my lord." Podrick interjected.
Lord Harry wasn't able to stop the feeling of animosity that invaded him as the Guard kept dismissing his many feats.
Sansa nodded to Lord Royce without speaking a word, it seemed like the word was conspiring to showcase Podrick's attributes at her at every turn.
.
.
.
Podrick was finalizing the details of their departure with the soldiers in the middle of the afternoon; they were planning the cavalry's formation, the stops where they and the horses would rest, he doubled checked the state of the two wheelhouses; Lord Manderly's, who would be leaving with them and Lady Barbrey's, who had lent hers. But even with how busy he was, he couldn't get her completely off his head. He hadn't been able to sleep the night before, or even get any rest and she had seen to that.
As he walked to the kitchen, he took notice of the servants arranging the bushels of grain that were needed for the journey, grain that she'd have to return, every favor came with a price regardless of who it was for. He took the longest path to the stables, the one that went along the walls surrounding the castle when he seemed to find her in the distance, which made him slow down and come to a stop as he observed her. She was sitting on a blanket near a windmill, there were five soldiers surrounding her but at a distance, enough to give her the illusion of privacy.
He was still reeling from her innocent proposal, from the way in which she had opened up her emotions to him. Life had been cruel to her and her soul was still haunted, it wasn't just a kiss for her. Or a thrill to chase after. That had made the situation feel heavier and he'd be lying if he said that it hadn't stopped him from fulfilling his own desires... somehow it had been both intimidating and moving.
What would it mean to her if after the kiss her ghosts and fears stayed with her?
Podrick couldn't stop thinking about the damage she carried with her, not only in her memories but in her very present scars, about all the abuse she had endured.
A part of him reminded him that he had been but a boy in Kings Landing, a boy who couldn't have done anything to stop the beatings ordered by King Joffrey but he could admit to himself that he had hidden behind his positions as a servant, one who didn't see or hear a thing.
He couldn't have done anything when she was Lord Bolton's prisoner in Winterfell either; although, at the time Brienne and he never actually heard rumors about the man's true nature... And even if they had, they still would have needed a real chance to rescue while she suffered night and day.
Maybe Podrick had still been too innocent because he only had an inkling of the kind of man Bolton had been when he heard her reading the letter he sent to Jon Snow where he threatened to make him watch as his soldiers raped his sister. And even then... he didn't mean to wash his hands off the whole thing, it's just that at the time he had been unable to help her and it had only pulled on his conscience for the first time last night.
He was certain that she didn't want his pity and yet he could do nothing but feel that for her.
He took a deep breath as the cold wind hit his face. She was closed-off but she had opened herself to him. He had gotten a glimpse of what those men had done to her to have her talking of damage beyond repair, to suffer from anxiety fits strong enough that her masters would medicate her, or those few times she drank wine to forget about it all...
A kiss meant too much considering her past.
He hadn't been lying when he said he was flattered; the fact that she wanted him to kiss her?That was as high as a man could aspire to in these matters. She was Sansa Stark, and he was a plain knight from a minor house and he had been invisible to her until a few months ago.
...The innocent touches on their hands last night.
The candid way in which her eyes fixed on him was, to a point, what made him rethink the whole thing, since he still was hesitant. But being unable to get her out his head was an indication that he should just act.
If he took the chance and apologized, if he admitted that he had been a fool for not giving into her request, he might just get that wishful kiss. His pretenses of sticking to his Kinsguard's oath were behind him now because she had spoken the truth, a kiss would not mean he'd break it.
She would be the most beautiful and formidable woman he will have kissed. Someone he had had on a pedestal since he was a young man.
After Ser Brienne, she was the woman he had come to respect —and appreciate?— the most; it was either that or he was completely overwhelmed by the situation that had brought them to this point.
He was a man and men were stupid, wise words from Ser Brienne. Stupid enough to reject her.
He still couldn't believe that he was the one eliciting those feelings and sensations she hadn't experienced before. That she could have any man she wanted falling at her feet and it was him whom she trusted.
A kiss. She'd settle for one kiss.
He would too.
And a hug. And with telling her that there was nothing wrong with her. Because there absolutely wasn't. She was outstanding.
Intimidating too, but mostly outstanding.
Since he wouldn't be interrupting one of her meetings, he decided to seize the chance and he made his way to where she was, slowly but with determination in his step. A voice in his head told him he was making a mistake, that she wouldn't appreciate his advances after having rejected her, but not taking the risk seemed like a worse option.
Her eyes were set on him as he approached but she seemed aloof, he couldn't tell if he was welcomed or not though he suspected he was. "Worried about our departure, Ma'am?" he asked, careful not to ask for too much too soon.
There was no point in lying, "...Somewhat." she answered, waiting to hear why he had come to look for her, she was not expecting that.
"...No one on their right mind would try to attack the army that's marching with you."
She knew that, she also knew that there was always a chance things would go wrong... "For security reasons you'll be riding with me on the wheelhouse." She was a bit embarrassed to ask that after last night. Not that she was asking, she was ordering.
He bowed his head and after a pause, he asked nervously, "May I join you now, Ma'am?" he gestured to the ground in front of her but keeping some distance which surprised her.
After a few moments he was audacious enough to sit before she had acquiesced and he decided to go straight to the point, "... I think you might not want to hear what I want to say, Ma'am, but I wanted to tell you that I reconsidered. I can't get you out of my head..." he whispered, even though he knew that the soldiers wouldn't be able to hear them. She immediately blushed and sat straighter, which pleased him despite himself, "Honestly, I've been thinking about you for days."
Sansa looked around, making sure no one was listening and clearly surprised by his change of heart. Her heart was beating fast, "... I can't deny that a part of me was relieved by your refusal." that was the truth.
Podrick couldn't help but let out a sound of dismay; reason had told him that this would happen, he swallowed, "and that other part of you?" when she didn't answer, he continued, "...I know I'm a fool. Making you feel rejected only to come searching for you again..." to come begging.
Sansa mumbled, unable to form words, she had reconsidered too, or at least she thought she had. But now she was happy to listen to his words even if she was a bit confused, too.
He wanted to touch her, had they been alone he'd ask for permission to hold her hand as he tried to convince her and somehow she seemed to read his intentions because she pulled her arms back towards her. "I'll understand if you changed your mind."
She lowered her eyes to her skirt to either stop him from reading into her reaction or to play hard to get. He had never, nor would he ever be able to kiss or touch a woman like her. She definitively was the most beautiful one that he would have in his life and the most striking one too.
And as much as he wanted to kiss her, he equally wanted to give her what she wanted; to show her that there was nothing wrong with her, what was wrong was those men...
Sansa sighed as her eyes rose to meet his, "I'm not too certain of what I want, truly."
"You seemed pretty certain last night," he said cheekily which seemed to rattle her and that was definitely not his intention.
She struggled to find the words, "a front, Ser Podrick. I made a great effort to say all the things I did, yesterday." she exhaled, "You have no idea ... I don't usually act like that."
Oh but he did. "Ma'am, I didn't mean to put you on the spot..." he expected her to call him on it but she didn't, "and um," he felt a blush creep in, "I'm glad that you felt comfortable enough with me to let all those things out, letting me see that side of you makes me appreciate you even more."
It was Sansa's turn to blush and to avert her eyes, "I wasn't exactly letting things out more like urging you to..." she left the rest die in the air, unable to finish the sentence and feeling there was no need for it, anyway.
"...Still, you confided in me."
Sansa wanted to drop the subject, "...That doesn't change the fact that I'm unsure of everything. All of this confuses me."
"Me too, don't think it doesn't." he admitted and she took his words to heart. "We both know that we shouldn't be playing this game..." since she was still listening to him, since she hadn't stood and left thus closing the door to this once and for all, he hoped he still had a chance, so he had to be extremely careful.
Therefore, it was best to say as little as possible about the web of confusion in his mind, "...The only thing I know, Ma'am, and I mean it, is that, if you reject me now, this will be the biggest regret I'll take to my grave."
Her eyebrows rose to her hairline in surprise and disbelief, "There's no need to exaggerate," she said unthinkingly, "...and if rejecting me is your worst mistake then you should be thankful with the life you got..."
That should have been his first sign that she wasn't as romantically taken with him as he was with her.
"I am..." he replied as he kept his eyes on hers, he hadn't suffered too much in his life, "I can't give you a reason as to why I want to kiss you, not the way you so candidly did last night. My reasons pale in comparison and will seem trivial. I just know that, with everything I am, with my whole heart, I wish to kiss you, Ma'am." he was breathless as he finished and he looked at her in the eye as he fought the urge to reach out for her hands.
He was good with words, her most cynical side told her once she recognized that she felt far too pleased by his words. She swallowed as noticed the red in his cheeks and the patches of red on his neck, his brown eyes looking bright in the sun, the way he looked at her, openly and expectant.
He wasn't classical handsome, but he was comely; his face was soft and serene, his features were appealing to her in a way that she hadn't thought possible a few months ago. "Not here," she whispered and her hands grew cold right as she uttered her decision.
He was relieved and a bit amused by her words and unable to hide a smile, a big one, actually, which embarrassed him, "No, not here, of course not." he could tell that she also was trying not to smile but it was in vain because a small grin managed to grace her cheeks.
Despite their shared blush, they averted their eyes only to meet each other's gaze again, Sansa noticed a weight in her stomach but it wasn't the same emotion she felt the night before, or every time there was a moment between them. Maybe this really was a mirage, "Not that I should indulge you, not after last night's rejection."
He wasn't looking at her when she said that but he could hear a tease in her voice so he fixed his eyes on her and they shared a smile, "... That's the least I deserve, but my lady wouldn't be so cruel..."
"...Oh you don't know just how cruel I can be."
A second later they acknowledged the truth in her words; in order to get where she was she had to step over a lot of people. "...Not to someone who doesn't deserve it, Ma'am." He tensed up as he replied; fearing the moment between them had really gone.
Sansa swallowed thinking less about what he was saying and more about the kiss to come, all of this was sitting heavy on her, "I wish for nothing more than a kiss... just to stop thinking about it. I'm not interested in more." she made it clear again.
"...I know, Ma'am." he could tell that she wanted to make sure that he understood that.
"Things won't change between us. Not here and certainly not in Winterfell," She would not dare do this in her own home, in her parents' and her ancestors' home. "And it will remain between us and us alone."
"As my lady orders." He had no problem with anything she had just said.
For some reason those words made her a bit uncomfortable and she felt like saying it wasn't an order, it was more about making sure that he were private, "Good." she looked around, then, "Now what?"
After all, it would be almost impossible for her to get some privacy and they both knew it. Podrick stood and offered his hand to help her do the same, the air left him when they found themselves face to face, "Your eyes are so beautiful..." he whispered, they were so clear, so striking that he could get lost in them, he knew that wasn't exactly a good compliment but it was the truth. And those eyes seemed surprised by his words. He let go of her hands and took a step back.
"...You'll get your kiss, there's no need for flattery," she murmured as she started walking.
He couldn't suppress a smile in his disbelief "...I really do love the color of your eyes..." seeing her lower her eyes to the ground made him act in kind, "They're even more stunning when one is lucky enough to look at you closely and at leisure."
"Alright, enough." she answered, clearly embarrassed and wondering if he was mocking her. After a beat or two she gave him a sideway glance to find him smiling, which made her want to roll her eyes.
They made their way slowly towards the castle; they remained silent as the soldiers joined them. Once inside, she told her guards that there was no need for them to follow her and they dispersed immediately; they were about to continue on when Lord Stout showed up asking to have a word with Her Grace before leaving and Sansa felt a sense of relief going through her.
Podrick walked with them until they reached the library but he stayed outside as they talked. From time to time he would look inside, his impatient eyes seeking hers. The man must have thought that he was trying to ease-drop because he eventually went to shut the door.
Then, when the man finally left and Podrick was about to go in, Lord Harry appeared to join her. Their eyes met once more and a few minutes later, when it became evident to Podrick that the meeting would take a while he asked for her permission to leave. She granted it as though it was nothing, not even looking at him.
All the while Sansa kept feeling both relieved and uncertain, her anxiety was growing by the minute. She found herself unable to focus on the conversations she was having, her heart was speeding and she felt flustered every so often, enough for Lord Harry to ask if she felt well to which she replied that her departure had her worried when in reality what had her all over the place was the situation with Podrick.
Who could assure her that he wouldn't try to take advantage of the fact that they were alone? A thought that would vanished the next second when she remembered he could have easily done so when they were on the run. It would be a mistake, Podrick was inconsequential, true, but she respected him too, it wasn't fair.
"Ma'am, please go get some rest, your head is miles away." Lord Harry said at last after realizing she wasn't focusing on what they were talking about. She agreed and that alone was something he found odd, "Where's the rest of your guard?"
"I thought it better to let them have the day off. Some soldiers were with me but I just dismissed them... I'm feeling safer inside the castle already."
"Would you like me to escort you to your chambers?"
"No, that's alright." with that crutch and the amount of stairs he'd only delay her more. "You should let your knee rest..."
"There's no problem, Ma'am, I'll come with you."
"Really, Lord Harry, there's no need." She stood but then realized that the lord wouldn't listen; she let him go ahead of her though that was a break from protocol. "You should stay here until you fully recover from your injury. It's going to be a long and uncomfortable trip to Winterfell." she wasn't sure why she said that.
"I'll be fine," he replied though he was already breaking a sweat unused as he was to moving around with the crutch.
As they made their way slowly, Sansa's mind was unsettled, wondering what she would do if Podrick showed up to her room, if he had the nerve to be in there already. To be honest she was starting to regret agreeing to the kiss, she wanted an excuse to get out of it but... deep inside she knew he was polite and proper; he wouldn't be in her room. So instead of looking for reasons to back down she started to look for the words to apologize, so that he wouldn't take it wrong and think she was playing him.
Podrick was waiting for her at the entrance of a dark corridor; as soon as Lord Harry went by it he stepped out of the shadows and took her hand softly, he could see in her eyes that he had startled her but she was quick to recognize him.
They both looked at Lord Harry with their hearts beating at a gallop as he continued on without realizing what was happening. Then, Podrick took two steps behind him as he held on to her, asking her to follow him this way; two eternal seconds passed before she finally moved towards him full of doubt. He smiled encouragingly both because he was pleased and to reassure her.
Sansa threw one last glance at Lord Harry before getting lost in the darkness; Podrick switched the hand that was holding hers as he turned to guide her along. Sansa's heart was about to break out of her chest and, as though he could sense her nervousness, he kept softly squeezing her hand as they made their way. Several feet later they stopped in front of a door which he opened before letting her in first.
The place was swimming in darkness for the most part although some light was coming in from the small windows at the other end of the huge room. This was a mistake.
She heard the door closing behind her at the same time as she felt him placing his hand loosely on her waist over her leather armor, startling her. His presence at her back, his warm and short breaths against her cheek were causing her a certain tension, and pleasurable tickling sensation. Shouldn't she be frightened, less trusting?
"Relax." She had tensed up the night before too when he started caressing her hand.
"That seems impossible." her heart was running a mile a minute, her breath had left her completely. When she felt him stepping a bit back from her she looked at him over her shoulder, "you're not... that relaxed either."
"...I'm right here with you. You are... out of the reach of someone like me." he had the urge to hug her tightly, to close the space between their bodies but he knew she wouldn't like it. It was best to keep some distance until she indicated otherwise. He felt her slowly turning to face him.
Podrick's eyes remained steady on hers for a few seconds and then he moved closer, his hands settled softly on her waist once more. His movements were careful and soft as he seemed to be studying her response. Although their bodies were not really touching each other, this was as close as she had been to someone since she had hugged Arya goodbye.
And she certainly hadn't felt then what she was feeling now.
She felt overheated, "I think this is a mist–" she fell silent when she saw him slowly lowering his head, she closed her eyes and let out a stifled cry, almost to herself, when she felt him tracing her cheek with his nose instead of the kiss she had expected.
His touch triggered a pleasant tickling sensation that went through her back, shoulders and neck; pleasant and promising.She didn't think that her senses could take more explosions of new sensations on top of her heart racing but she had been wrong. Her cheeks were aflame as never before.
Podrick knew that kissing her as soon as he could would have been the mistake, and he just wanted to feel her, just that, though feeling her like he really longed for would also be a mistake so he was happy to be holding her. He pressed a closed mouthed kiss to her cheek to then slowly crawl down to her jaw by placing two more kisses along the way, he felt her stiffening but her surprise and the way she was tensing up told him she was enjoying his attentions. He straightened back, smiling as he studied her.
"Podrick–"
"Am I just Podrick already?" he whispered as he took a lock of hair between his fingers to stroke it.
Had it been possible, she would be blushing even harder, "I'm not... thinking clearly." And just to give herself some control over the situation she put her hands on his shoulders.
The contact only made his body grow hotter, "That's a good thing, Ma'am." he replied, pleased with himself.
She closed her eyes as she took a hold of herself but she heard the tease in his voice, "Not for someone like me." and though she was out of her comfort zone, there was something appealing in the sensations that were coursing through her because of him.
Podrick nodded as he tried to study what little he could see of her face in the dark, "I just want to make the moment last." To make it more special.
"...I don't." She admitted, despite how good his touch had felt.
"...I understand." he released her hair and his hand went to her cheek, his thumb caressed it and it brought out a sparkle in her eyes as she looked at him. He could only guess how expectant she was as he felt her taking a breath while both closed the space between them. His lips gently found hers for some short seconds.
Her face filled with heat then and her heart was about to break out of her chest, and it wasn't the feeling as much as it was knowing what they were doing. She felt him pressing his lips more firmly against hers just to back away a moment later.
And that was it.
Silence reigned for several long seconds where nether put more space between them.
"...Not two or three, Ma'am." Whispered Podrick when it was obvious she wouldn't speak, but of course, his wishful thinking had him hoping she'd grant him at least one more kiss. He felt the heat on her cheek against his hand.
She swallowed and she took a deep breath, it felt good; the whole situation had been a shock but it honestly wasn't what she had expected.
The expectation had felt greater. She squeezed his shoulders before taking a step back, "Thank you," In her mind, she knew he was disappointed.
With a pang, Podrick let her step away though he searched for her hands to give them a squeeze, "If you don't mind me asking, what's the verdict?"
She took a deep breath to calm down, to suppress her embarrassment but she could feel a smile trying to form at his words, at his demeanor, "I... hmmm... I liked it, its' just that... I don't know what to make of it yet." she wanted to think about it clearly and not let herself be carried away by her emotions and the sensations of the moment. At the very least she was left with his nearness, with his touches and the knowledge that they hadn't spooked her.
The kiss didn't hold the same meaning for her as it did for him, she kept trying to rationalize it, to rationalize everything, "I understand, but you should keep in mind that this kiss; although we both wanted it, it was a bit mechanical..." No, no, mechanical wasn't the word, you fool!" His mind screamed desperately and he held her hands tighter, "what I meant is it wasn't surprising and there weren't a lot of emotions." NO!
That was the worst thing he could say, maybe it was better to shut up because he couldn't stop saying the wrong thing. In the end, however, it was the truth, she didn't seem to bring a lot of emotions into this but he did.
She lowered her head to stop seeing how flustered he became at not being able to say the right thing, "Thank you for the kind words, Ser Podrick, very flattering." She understood what he was trying to say but it was hard not tease him. She let go of one of his hands.
He stiffened and straightened when she used her index to trace the side of his face, he felt an explosion inside of him, she wasn't the kind of woman who openly doled out caresses. He stammered a bit, unsure as to what to say, "You unsettle me…" he admitted, "I can't think clearly..." her frown disappeared and she beamed at him, or at least that was what he imagined happened in the cover of darkness.
He brought her other hand to his lips, leaving a kiss on her knuckles, "You know what I meant, ma'am..." he tried to remain focused as she grabbed his neck but all he could do was shake, "You'll feel it, You'll know, with the right person... or when the time is right."
It didn't go unnoticed that he added that last part to leave a window open in case the right time would be with him at some other time. The memory of Margery Tyrell suddenly came to her mind… Long ago, she had told her that women usually couldn't afford to try as many things as men and she wanted to ask if he had already met his right person, but somehow it didn't seem prudent. "We should leave, now." she said instead as she let go of his other hand while she caressed him with the other one last time, his skin was warm and a bit scratchy, he'd probably shaved that morning.
Podrick wanted to refuse, to remain with her even if he got nothing else out of it but he let her step away, "What you said last night... you're wrong, you know?" he added bluntly.
"About?"
He licked his lips, "There's nothing wrong with you. Those men who didn't appreciate you? There was something wrong with them." and after that there was only silence. A long awkward silence. He wasn't sure how she was taking his words but the silence was telling, "Believe me, you are... How did Lord Royce put it? ...Formidable."
She didn't like that he brought up the subject precisely then, it actually dampened her enthusiasm, "Thank You." she replied politely after a beat unwilling to name the reasons why he was wrong.
"I assume that asking you to stay with me for longer would be out of the question, right?" there was no hidden meaning behind his words, "just to keep each other company for a bit," he explained anyway so that she wouldn't misinterpret him.
The request surprised her, "Are you looking for a chance to sweet talk me?" she really couldn't tell.
The tone was at odds with the words, which didn't sound accusing, "No, Ma'am, I just... I don't want to be alone so quickly. I know I might be overstepping in assuming that we could both enjoy the company..." it had been a long while since he had this kind of intimacy with a woman and he wanted to make it last longer.
Feeling openly welcome and happy in the arms of a woman if just for a moment was…., actually, the mere idea of being in her arms or her in his was ludicrous. Still, she did welcome him and she made him happy.
For the first time she looked around the room, she hadn't been there before; the furniture was covered by white sheets. "I'm not used to keeping this kind of company, Ser Podrick"
Of course she was reading too much in his words, "You are misinterpreting, ma'am. I just meant... we could cast-out our loneliness with conversation"
Cast-out our loneliness, Sansa thought as she walked to the door, "I suppose there's a reason why you earned your reputation." He knew how to behave, what to say, what to do and when to stop.
He could not say where that came from, "does that bother you?"
"I make nothing of your reputation. But being interested in you, in anyone... I can't dismiss that.You unsettle me," she looked at him over her shoulder, "but I also care for and respect you. And I enjoy your company, Ser Podrick, your conversation, your personality..." she admitted. "Still, I can't stay hiding here with you even if a part of me wants to," because, hesitant as she was she did want to, althoughit wasn't more kisses what her mind conjured, just him caressing her hand as they talked.
He stopped himself from reaching to her, from acting impulsively, "And do you want to?" he asked, gobsmacked.
"Yes." She licked her lips suddenly nervous from what she was about to say, "I know it might not be what you expect, but you have my friendship, just that. It's the only thing I can offer. I know it's not enou–"
"–It is!" he cut her off walking to her and then stopping before her, keeping a short distance between them. He still didn't know what to make of all this, and maybe he should have stayed quiet. "It is." He repeated again more calmly.
Sansa nodded with a smile tugging at her lips, "then, if you want to, you should join me in the library later."
She didn't wait for a reply and Podrick was left to see her walk out of the room a moment later. He went to stop her when he saw her taking the wrong turn but he didn't because there was a chance someone could see them walk out of that corridor together.
He mulled over her words and he felt excited about her invitation even if, for the most part, he was somewhat disappointed by the fact that she hadn't enjoyed the kiss she had longed for, not like he had wanted her to.
And he felt disappointed in himself as he realized the truth in her words, this changed nothing.
But what had he been expecting, really? The answer to that was something he couldn't admit even to himself.
.
.
.
"You went the wrong way earlier today, Ma'am." Podrick murmured after they were finally left alone in the library. Lady Wylla and Lord Harry were seemingly making an effort to stop them from having some privacy but they eventually grew tired of waiting for them. And it's not like they had a lot of privacy anyway, there were three soldiers standing guard by the door.
Sansa blushed once more though she pretended to study the chess board in front of them, "Hmmm, I ended up at a meat-curing store. Everyone there was quite shocked by my presence..." she couldn't remain serious for long, "It's like they saw a ghost."
Podrick grinned back at her words realizing she was happy? In a better mood that usual? "What did you say to Lord Harry about your disappearance?"
"...That something caught my attention and I went to investigate and somehow got lost in the castle." It was ridiculous but it had worked. She couldn't suppress the mischievous and complicit smile that broke out every time her eyes found his and neither could he.