Their second kiss, their first one at Winterfell, happened during a visit from some lords from the West stopping by in their way to The Wall; they had accepted the Queen's invitation to stay at Winterfell to get acquainted with her as she usually did with most lords that journeyed that far North.
It was Tyrion who interceded before the Queen so that the visit took place, swearing on his honor that welcoming them was in her best interest since, in addition to the expedition, they intended to negotiate and to reach a financial agreement to continue sending their criminals to The Wall because Westerners wanted more severe punishments than letting well fed men rot in the relatively safe cells of the prisons that were being built all across the continent.
"Ah, Ser Podrick, you're well-groomed for tomorrow, I see, you can no longer be mistaken for a Northerner." Sansa heard one of her advisors say and she raised her eyes only to see Podrick's hand going to his cheek and jaw; his face was clean-shaven after months —she assumed— of letting his beard grow.
That night, as they went on their nightly walk to the Weirwood Tree, she brought it up. "You're not looking so scruffy, anymore." He was the King's Ambassador and he had to look the part now. He had been looking like another northerner among many but from the outside, it could bring him a few ill-intentioned comments.
Podrick smiled at her words, the fact that she brought it up was acceptable, if it had come from him she might have objected; "Yes, now I just hope that the soldiers and guards won't give me grief about it."
His transition for Guard to Ambassador had not gone smoothly with everyone in the North, notably, with his fellow warriors and he could understand why. First, he had been a foreigner coming to take over one of the most respectable jobs there was and then he got all the credit for saving the Queen after she was attacked only to land and even better position afterwards.
He had quickly set out to work against the jealousy, first with the groups of people who had offered encouragement by showing them that he was still one of them and that they needn't treat him differently. Northerners tended to be closed off and difficult at times but, little by little, he had won them over.
Sansa didn't meddle in the business between the castle's workers, choosing to remain impartial, which was now the case, "It's good to see your face again."
Mentally, Podrick groaned at such words because they gave him hope once more, "Not as good as seeing yours, Ma'am," he choose to say to return the compliment while giving her a side-glance to see her blushing, which made him smile. "I actually thought you liked the beard." She hadn't said otherwise but he wanted to take the shot to dig deeper.
Although her mind warned her against replying, she gave into the temptation even if she felt awkward doing it. "...No." she answered simply though her blood was rushing.
"I won't grow it again, then, for you. Even if it means I'll freeze."
She liked him better without the unruly beard and for months she had wanted to ask him to get rid of it but it wasn't her place, she smiled playfully giving him a tired sigh, "Men are so whiny. You'll never see a northern woman complaining about not having a beard."
Although he usually appreciated the ingenious ways in which she turned conversations and her sarcastic comments, right then, it was disheartening that she did so after getting his hopes up. "Have Helga shave hers and you'll hear her complaining." he said amused at his own words and knowing that so was she.
Maybe it was because the Western Lords came from the same place where Podrick was born but he had plenty of things in common with them and so he found himself establishing friendships and falling into easy conversations with them; this was also aided by his renowned relationship with Lord Tyrion and by proving to be a great host when she couldn't —or didn't want to— play the part.
He did so by taking them on outings through nearby lands or by sharing experiences that were not an option to her like going to the hot springs and wagering on who would resist the cold temperatures for longer and unsurprisingly winning since he had been in the north for nine months; that bet won him a small fortune that he promised to share with the soldiers who had joined them and who had tried to discourage them from playing those games.
Sansa realized that whenever House Payne was mentioned, Podrick said nothing to explain his affiliation to it; he only hinted that he had little to do with its most prominent members but he didn't hide how he became Lord Tyrion's squire either.
"Say what you will of Lord Tywin but the man knew how to reward loyalty."
Lord Tywin was a man who incited hate as well as admiration even years after his death, "It was meant as punishment, for me and for Lord Tyrion, more for Lord Tyrion, actually." Podrick replied unwilling to further the conversation about the man, it wasn't a good idea, especially here in the North. He subtly shook his head at the lord when he realized the man was going to continue, as though to remind him —in case he had forgotten— where they were.
He looked back to the table where she was sitting with Lord Cromwell and Lord Harry, all of them frowning as they raised their cups to their lips.
The Lords spent a few more days in the castle and on their last night they were gathered in the Great Hall having a placid conversation that eventually led to what each of them would do if they had a few minutes to do whatever they wished without repercussions.
Sansa listened attentively, studying their motivations and concluding that for the most part they were greedy. She felt like she was being watched by none other than of Podrick and she tried to ignore him until she couldn't anymore. Careful not to draw attention to herself, her eyes swept over the room before inevitably landing on his.
His relaxed posture hid any interest he might have had on the conversation; he was lying against the seat's back, his legs were stretched out and he held a cup of wine on one hand, nonchalant, and as she held his gaze across the room she was the one left breathless, her mouth dry all of the sudden.
She flushed at the thought of what he would want. Having accepted no reward for saving her life showed her that he wasn't greedy at all. She breathed deeply to rid herself of the weight in her stomach. That feeling hadn't come back as strongly since Barrow Hall, five month ago. Her heart kept accelerating as he fixedly looked at her, his face was expressionless as he sat straighter to lean forward and give her all his attention and it made her avert his eyes, feeling uncomfortable and breathless.
It took her only a few seconds to realize that Lord Harry witnessed the exchange between them just from the look he threw at her some instants later. When it was her turn to speak, Sansa also gave an answer to make her sound greedy, even talking about the gold that Lord Manderly was rumored to have hidden somewhere in his castle or the gold Lord Tyrion surely had lying in a vault somewhere. Gold that could help the North. However, her chest was constraining with the growing realization that she wanted to kiss Podrick again and she spent the whole evening cursing the thought and filled with anxiety. A pleasurable pressure took hold of her lower abdomen, a pressure that had never made its presence known before, and she couldn't help but seek his eyes when she felt his on her and it only made the feeling stronger.
Podrick was feeling something between upset and thrilled with the situation.
The look on Her Grace's eyes made it clear what it was that she wanted and his stupid knee-jerk reaction was to smirk when their eyes met but he kept control of his face as he reminded himself that it was Her and a gesture like that probably wouldn't work, making her run away instead.
The situation was upsetting, to find that that even if for months he had refused to be interested in her, his body and mind betrayed him at the last moment just because of a captivating look from her or a nicely worded phrase. His eyes met hers and the air caught in his throat because of the depth, candor and naked interest in her eyes, it was a tantalizing gaze and if he didn't know better he'd say she was trying to seduce him, but he did know better and it was better to vanish such idle thoughts. He found himself taking a deep breath before sipping from his wine.
When it was his turn, he opened his mouth to speak but a Lord he was barely acquainted with from his past beat him to it, stating that one needn't be a seer to know what he would do; he'd break his chastity vows to the King in a blink. Podrick swore at the man inwardly while he actually smiled and gave a dejected nod, then he stopped himself from looking at the Queen from then on since looking her way would mean proving the man right, it was disheartening.
And he just wanted a kiss from her. He'd be pleased with that. He'd be happy tonight.
That in itself was a problem that he needed to nip in the bud, but he could only focus on her. And on the rejection he'd be feeling later if he had the courage to propose another kiss to her.
Lord Harry could only hope that the lord's comment and Ser Podrick's appalling response would lead Her Grace away from the mistake she was making but he wasn't too certain of that. He was stewing in annoyance and disappointment when he saw the Knight standing up, downing the last of his wine and apologizing for retiring early as he needed to get some rest. He saw how the Queen looked and nodded at the knight as he left the room only for her shoulders to give a slight shake in a deep exhalation. At least she could try to hide it!
The friendship between the two wasn't a secret to anyone, least of all him, but he couldn't tell if there was something more there because he had never been able to get actual proof. All he had was suspicious up until that night, until he witness the way they looked at each other.
He had his spies, a soldier or two, a servant who'd report on Ser Podrick's whereabouts and Guards and maids who would vouch for Her Grace's, who would tell him that nothing inappropriate was happening between the two.Yes, she had spent time alone with Ser Podrick a couple of times, sometimes behind closed doors where no one could tell what they were doing but it was always in common rooms and whenever they had been interrupted they gave no indication that they had been up to something else.
He had his doubts.
He had expected the worst from Ser Podrick but not from her. She was supposed to be a respectable woman but he was certain of her interest in the knight. There was nothing to do, there; although more than once he had tried to belittle him on account of his reputation, she didn't seem to mind it. Or maybe that was what she secretly wanted; a hateful voice whispered his worst fear in his mind.
Two hours went by fast and he wasn't surprised when The Queen announced she'd be retiring at her usual time. He followed her with his eyes wondering if there was a chance that she was leaving to meet Ser Podrick.
The way in which Her Grace had stared at the Guard-come-Ambassador for most of the evening told him everything. And who would be idiotic enough to reject her? Ser Podrick definitely wasn't, not after the looks she had been throwing him. Both set of eyes were sparkling and he'd even go as far as to say they were blackened with lust.
He took a deep breath. He wanted to go after her and put a stop to what could be happening between them or to confirm his suspicions. But his disappointment rendered him unable to. He looked at Lord Cromwell in an attempt to share his concern with him —because he couldn't be the only one who suspected something— and when he had his proof and he confronted her, he didn't want her calling him jealous. He was, but he was more disappointed than anything.
Utterly disappointed.
More than her honor, he worried about the realm and the possible consequences of this indiscretion.
He could see the scandal coming a mile away.
The Queen in the North seducing a Kingsguard, making him break his vows to her own brother. Because that's how it would be regarded as, it wouldn't be about Podrick Payne using his charms to seduce the Queen, playing with her.
There was always all the more to lose for a woman's reputation regardless of birth rights.
It would be a dishonor for them both. Although, more for the Queen. For her it'd be damming.
.
.
.
Sansa was rattled, she needed to get him out of her head, she didn't want to want to kiss him but as she was walking across the ramparts to the library, she was surprised when she saw him in the shadows of one of the court yards on the ground level. He was following her with his eyes and she knew then that he had been waiting for her all this time. Podrick knew her routine and she should have changed it right then and go directly to her room but instead she continued along as usual, partly hoping that he would join her and partly doubting that he would, though that was naive since he had waited for over two hours out in the cold.
Minutes later, once inside the library, she felt as hesitant as the first time. She was worried and a scared to the point of wondering if the pressure she was feeling from all the anxiety was normal under the circumstances of it was because of all her particular life experiences. Her instincts told her it was the latter. Before, in the Great Hall, she felt excited because her thoughts were a temptation unlikely to come to fruition but now she knew her fantasies could come true. She tried to get a hold of herself but it was useless.
When she felt Snow standing up and growling she told herself that it would be best to go along with her direwolf's instincts and avoid Podrick. But as soon as he appeared on the doorway her heart burst in her chest, "Snow!" she warned lowly and breathlessly to stop him from attacking.
Podrick knew it was show time, if she rejected him again there was nothing else to do. He would just give up, and he wouldn't even entertain the thought that something could happen again. He kept telling himself that he wouldn't break his vows to the King, but he couldn't pretend like this was a game either.
This was an impossible situation and the proof that life was full of ironies. He had never had to worry about womanly attentions, but there he was, begging for the attention of the most unattainable of women.
Her own brother had sent him to look after her, and there he was, trying to look after her in ways that the King hadn't seen coming, ways that he would disapprove of.
He had never felt real affection for a woman, not for lack of wanting but because the possibility and the timing hadn't been right before, yet there he was… When had his esteem and compassion for her grown into affection? or was this only a very strong from of attraction?
There he was, about to gamble his heart for the first and only time. Because she was the onlywoman in the world for whom he'd be willing to break his oath.
Rationally, he knew that her rejecting him would be the best for both of them.
Or perhaps, it could be that by rejecting him she'd be making sure to keep him even more foolishly obsessed with her.
Or... if she gave in to him, that could be the key to getting her out of his head.
Maybe if she was more reachable he could take her down from the pedestal where he'd put her, maybe she would cease to be an impossible challenge. Maybe he'd lose his interest in her.
In any case he had to act now.
He stepped into the library acting unconcerned of what the guards standing by the door could think. If they even thought anything of it since it was normal for him to meet with her in this very room, it's just that when Winterfell lacked visitors, the men didn't use to guard her constantly or listen into her conversations.
He took a seat in front of her, expectant. They held each other's gaze. Then she lowered her eyes to stare at the wooden table as though the notches and imperfections on it were utterly fascinating. Seeing that she wasn't taking the first step he decided to take his shot, "That Lord was wrong... and I think you know it, I think you have a very clear idea of what I'd do if I had five minutes that would have no repercussions..." he murmured as low as he could, so low he wasn't sure that she heard him. He only raised his voice slightly and his hand moved to hers in its own volition but he managed to stop himself from touching her, "A kiss from you, if you'd let me."
If you'd let me, he was asking first and, didn't that help ease her fears a little bit? She started to feel warm and she raised her eyes finding herself unable to fully hold his gaze, all she managed was to nod her head stupidly over and over, "...Five minutes sounds like too much time for just a kiss."
He looked behind him to make sure that the guards couldn't see them and then he risked it and grabbed one of her hands, since she didn't pull her hand away he felt himself smiling triumphantly while he caressed her, "...Someone must be doing something wrong, then..." and with those words, both felt the weight of the situation fall on them.
Out of the corner of their eyes, they both saw Snow standing up as he let a low roar from the back of its throat and Podrick saw her reaching for the wolf's fur with her other hand and without breaking his gaze as he let go of her hand, he swallowed nervously —not because of the animal, who was relegated to the back of his mind— but because he was overwhelmed by her.
She still couldn't believe he had said that, "I'm almost certain that our first kiss wasn't... anything exceptional for you, why would you want a second one?"
Podrick decided to stop pretending and be honest. The first time he had been too careful about everything he said to her but not this time, "For starters, the way you look at me. The way you smile at me. The way you talk to me and seek me out. How you keep me in suspense, how anxious you make me..." he realized he was giving more than she had asked for but he felt encouraged to continue so he took a breath and spoke as candidly as she had done in Barrow Hall, "I try not to show it because I don't want to intimidate you, I don't want you to think I'm an opportunist but... I have lost my mind for you and we both know it... and now we are better acquainted with each other, there's trust between us, which lead me to believe this second kiss will involve more emotions than the first... and if it doesn't... well, that's for the best. It will help us put this behind us, don't you think?"
She was stunned by all of his words coming so fast, her mind was still taking them in and the thought came again, Podrick really knew how to express himself in that type of situation; she liked his words way too much. Everything he said sounded right, even the part about putting this behind them if things didn't feel as expected. Not that she knew what would happen if the kiss ended up meeting the expectations of their yearning hearts.
She didn't have a plan for that.
And she wanted this kiss, even more that the first one, as if that could even be possible. Five months... five months had passed since the first kiss and he hadn't lost interest and neither had she... she could only say that the time that passed had served to let her get used to him and the new feelings that were coursing through her, to get better prepared for this moment.
She looked at the door unsure whether dismissing her guards would raise suspicion. "Do you still think that us, that this, is an illusion?"
Heavens, seeing her lick her lips while she looked at him lie that was going to be the death of him and… 'us'? ...Was she already thinking in terms of 'us'? "...The illusion should have disappeared by now but I'm even more taken with you."And it was to be expected, it wasn't like either had tried to put distance between them, on the contrary, they had started to spend more time together than before, "and you?"
Sansa could only nod hesitantly, "...I don't know what to think... what to feel." she was surprised that she actually answered that, he was easy to talk to even though talking about feelings was far from easy; she felt like he didn't judge her. Like he never judged her, "I'm still confused, though now it's for different reasons." he suddenly stood and she went to grab him by the arm to stop him from leaving but she stopped herself halfway and he noticed.
He kept his eyes on the hand that had shot off to grab him, "I'll be in your study..." he whispered as he looked her in the eye again, "...I won't blame you if you leave me waiting." after all, she hadn't given him spoken confirmation that she would act on her wishes.
He took a big breath and as he left the library he made a point to say goodnight to her guards. He swiftly made his way to her study where the cold chilled him to the bone as soon as he stepped inside; the room was dark and there was no fire on the fireplace and no torches on since no one was expected to be using the room.
She was a respectable woman, he didn't expect her to want more than a kiss... not two or three and least of all, something that lasted five minutes. And still, the thought excited him more than any other romantic encounter he had ever had. Sansa Stark, a woman like her... and it wasn't because she was the Queen. It's because she was Sansa Stark.
And he was screwed.
And... was it him or had the direwolf mostly ignored him when he touched her hand? When they were in the library he barely noticed the presence of the wolf but he would have thought that daring to touch her would have been the tipping point for the wolf to savagely attack him.
As time passed and he started freezing he wondered for how long it'd be prudent to wait for her. He wasn't a fool or desperate enough to wait the whole night but he acknowledged the possibility that she was stopped by peopleover and over like in Barrow Hall and if he got discouraged by the cold and his own impatience and he left, he'd miss his chance once she was free.
It was likely that she wouldn't show up, and after almost ten more minutes he was running out of hope but he decided to give it another five minutes. He waited five months for the chance at this second kiss, five more minutes were nothing. Soon enough, he heard the direwolf's steps and heavy breathing on the hall. The cold in his bones was suddenly gone, warmth was coursing through him and his cheeks and neck were burning.
He stepped away from the doors trying to pay no mind to the usual growl that greeted him when she came in with the animal.
Sansa took a deep breath, "Snow, down!" she whispered nervously. She caught a glimpse of Podrick when she opened the door but now they found themselves in total darkness. A heavy shuffling indicated that the direwolf lay at her feet. She took a couple of slow and careful steps, "I still don't know what I'm doing."
"Neither do I." it was true, but he was grinning as he replied, joyful as he followed her voice to soon find her warmth. Snow's menacing breathing made it clear that he was being protective and Sansa could only assume that the wolf sensed her unease every time she was near Podrick and that's why the animal distrusted and the man. "It's alright, Snow.I'm fine." she said as she heard it standing as she drew nearer to Podrick.
Without warning and as soon as he felt her within reach, he placed his hand on her back and though she stiffened she wasn't stopping him. An instant later his mouth sought hers guided by her own warm breath and presence, and in the next instant he was pressing their lips together.
He felt as she tried to pull her face away but he softly chased her and she evidently reconsidered since she came back to press her lips more firmly against his. As an intense heat spread over his body, he started to open his mouth little by little, molding his lips to her soft and full ones. He still couldn't believe this was happening. This moment, this woman… He felt so elated that the feeling of the kiss became secondary as he focused on the rest; her soft, warm lips; her breath against his... and after some exquisite seconds he drew back as not to overwhelm her to then search for her eyes, not that he was able to see much.
Another kiss in the dark.
She recognized she was feeling overwhelmed, overjoyed, even. There was something different about this kiss in contrast with the first one though she couldn't put her finger on what it was and her train of thought was interrupted as she felt him kissing her again. She couldn't say why but she found herself smiling and feeling him smiling against her mouth in kind; some seconds later, she put her hands on his shoulders because Podrick didn't pull away immediately and so she felt like she had to, "...Podrick..." she heard herself whimpering in a voice alien to her as she took stock of her overheated body.
Smiling, Podrick encircled her more firmly in his arms and his whispered words made her shudder, "Ma'am?"
What was she supposed to say? With her heat beating through her chest she mirrored each and every soft and chaste peck that he placed on her lips.
He felt her responding tentatively at first but with each kiss he felt more triumphant. Still, she kept holding on to his shoulders to stop him from going too far, "don't over-think it, just enjoy."
She was enjoying it! She was feeling hot and suffocated and the pressure on her lower abdomen was increasing. This time the kiss was living up to her expectations and she was at a lost as to what to do with all the feelings coursing through her. He made a path up her burning cheek, where he placed a final kiss before pulling apart and taking a big breath.
Reality started to set back in when Podrick kissed her forehead, and alongside it came feelings of joy, affection and excitementtaking over her. She needed to tread lightly, she reminded herself as she cleared her throat, "...Honestly I think...this has been... enough." Soon enough, she felt him loosed the arms encircling her, in a show of respect for her wishes, though he made no move to put space between them. She was startled by something stroking up her leg but before she had time to be appalled at his insolence she realized it was Snow trying to get between them. "Snow, no!" she ordered, fearing that he'd try to bite Podrick who released her completely against a protest from her mind and body.
"Are you alright, Ma'am?" he asked a bit annoyed at the animal, though he tried to put that feeling aside and remain as close to her as he possible until the wolf started growling, or biting.
In turn, she took a couple of calming breaths. All of this was too much, it felt like too much, she wanted to say but the words wouldn't come out. She didn't know a kiss could feel like this. Snow started moving more insistently and to rumble lowly, making Podrick back a couple of steps, "No, Snow, settle down!" Sansa commanded in a hush which earned her an answering growl, He had never growled at her before! "Snow, stop!" she ordered more authoritatively and he let out a whine before lying at her feet. She had to make an effort to get her feet out from under the animal.
"You have a very—" he was cut-off by a growl in his direction, "very jealous Pet."
Snow stood up again and Sansa tried petting him, "Easy!" she said in frustration, "Go to the door," but the wolf didn't budge, "I'm fine." She pleaded and after a few more playful strokes, he started to walk away.
Podrick looked towards the door he couldn't make out much; he could only tell that the animal had stepped away by its breathing. "Did you bring him with you in case I tried something?" he asked as the thought crossed his mind, and fleetingly noticing that the wolf didn't growl at him again.
"No... but to be honest, having Snow around made it easy for me to act... the way I did." She was still surprised by her actions.
Podrick wondered what to do next since the bloody wolf had ruined the moment. In his mind, it was his number one enemy and vice versa. "The last time you didn't seem to like my kiss too much, did you like this one?" he decided to ask, knowing beforehand what she'd say because that smile that broke out against his mouth had already said everything.
By know she knew him well enough to make out the tease and grin he was sporting, "...I fear my expectations were too high..." she answered unabashedly and relying on the darkness to be able to utter the words.
Podrick chuckled before feeling about to reach her again, "I fear your expectations are impossible, then. Tough, who knows, if you let me practice I might just meet them." when he made contact with her arms he sought out her gloved hands. "But really, did you enjoy it?"
Sansa breathed in deeply, the silly smile he had provoked with his ludicrous words vanished from her face, "I'm afraid I did..."
The manner in which she spoke brought him back to reality and he decided to take this more seriously, just like she did, especially since she wasn't the only one who should be afraid by her enjoyment of this.He was risking his honor as a Guard on a infatuation.
She licked her lips, "I kissed you, Podrick, and I liked it, believe me, that's beyond what I imagined could happen to me a year ago, five years ago... enjoying a man's presence..." she squeezed his hand, "not feeling scared by your nearness, by your attentions." She wanted to say that that kiss, the kiss they had shared had left her blissfully joyful but saying it out loud would be admitting too much. And no, she no longer believed that her damage was unfixable and it was all because of him.
He kissed her hands, pleased by her words. By how far she had come. By the chance that she could be happy in the future, even if he knew he wouldn't be part of it. "I'm happy to hear that I've helped, ma'am." He wanted to add that he'd made sure she wouldn't forget him but he decided against it.
She couldn't say why the conversation suddenly made her feel defensive. But she also realized that with Podrick she was getting much more than she had thought, more than a friendship, more than a single kiss... "...I really don't know what I'm doing with you, Podrick."
He bit his lips as he squeezed her hands, "Casting-out loneliness?"
"...Yes..." There was no doubt about it. He released her and she was startled by the sudden feel of his hand cupping her face, his thumb drawing circles on her cheek. Her heart sped up and she closed her eyes to enjoy the feeling eve more.
Podrick was feeling breathless by the time he felt her hand on his, not to push his away as he would have feared but to caress him. He wished a thousand times that he could see her face right then, her eyes. He started to close the space between them as he felt her hand going to his wrist, to his forearm and feeling more confident, he bridged the distance to press their lips together in another kiss.
It felt too good to be true, was the thought shared by the both of them.
Once again, Sansa submerged herself in the sensations for a couple of moments and then she pulled away. "This wasn't what I had in mind ohh!.. in the library...or in the Great Hall." she released his elbow only to place her hand on his hip, ashamed by the moan that had escaped her and surprised that something as innocent as him softly caressing her neck, playing with the hair there, had that effect on her; a frozen heat and a tickling down her back that made her shudder.
She curiously noticed her nipples hardening just as she heard noise behind her, "Snow... No!" though she was secretly thankful for the respite the wolf was giving her. Then she heard it plopping back down.
"This is not what I had in mind...when I came North," he admitted too as he touched his forehead to hers. He sensed that she was about to protest somehow and he interrupted her, but this time it wasn't with a peck or a long press of their lips; this time he took advantage of her half open mouth to take hold of her lower lip between his to massage it five, six times, softly since he felt her hesitant as she mimicked his moves. A wave of heat was coming off of her. When they pulled apart neither said a word as they tried to control their breathing and their emotions. He touched her nose with hers, "Do you think it's been more than five minutes?"
"No," she admitted still at odds by how he had kissed her then and the gentle manner in which he treated her, touched her. All of it felt so intimate that she suddenly felt scared by the feelings he elicited when he touched her neck, "but it's becoming too much... it feels like too much, at least for me."
Podrick understood, she still had a wall to knock down and her words were enough for him to get it, he nodded and kissed her cheek before taking a step away from her and taking her hands once more. He was still bewildered by what they had shared. "What did you tell your guards?"
"That I was looking for a scroll and they could wait for me by my room." She never thought she'd be acting this way... what would her mother think? Her septas? But she found the thought ridiculous.
Podrick nodded, "You should leave, then. I'll wait here for a few more minutes."
She nodded in agreement and surprised that he didn't ask for a goodbye kiss, maybe because she wanted one, "Goodnight, Podrick."
"Until tomorrow, Ma'am."
No more words were needed. This encounter was what they had done if they had five minutes to do something free of consequences, they both new that by tomorrow it would be as though it had never happened. That was the only reason why she let it happen as freely as she did.
Still, even before leaving the room they knew that there would be repercussions.
.
.
.
The next morning, Lord Harry subtly asked about the Queen's whereabouts the night before; her guards told him she had spoken shortly with Ser Podrick in the library and that they stood guard by her door for the rest of the night. Lady Rose confirmed it as well as other maids. Everything seemed in order on Ser Podrick's end too.
So he was unsure if he was making too much of what he had seen or if they were stopping themselves from acting on their desires. Or when and how they were sneaking around to meet up...
When Podrick met her in the morning and saw her blushing as she caught sight of him, he couldn't help himself, "Blushing suits you, ma'am," he said daringly as they walked along a corridor. She lowered her head to hide her reaction since a castle worker was about to cross their path. He kept on grinning.
What happened in that room stayed in that room, neither one made mention of it though both knew it had had an impact on the other.
.
.
.
After what happened she set out to be more careful with hiding her soft spot for him but she faltered at times, and so did he, by continuing to find his comments amusing, by blushing around him and by stealing glances between them.
Not a month had passed when one day Lady Rose, who was keeping her company in her chambers and helping her with her braids, spoke, "You like him..."
"What?" Sansa asked wondering what she meant.
"You like Ser Podrick." she could tell from all the times she'd seen them talking; sometimes they even seemed to forget they had company.
...What was the point of lying when the young woman wasn't someone important? "I do." she replied while she held Lady Rose's gaze on the reflection in the mirror.
"And you don't like a lot of people."
"It's not that I dislike them, it's just that I'm mistrustful." She admitted again, "I've told you that most people seem to expect something from me and—"
"And what does Ser Podrick expect from you?" she dared ask impulsively though she knew it wasn't her place to speak to the Queen like that.
Sansa raised her eyebrow but she couldn't react with more than amusement at the young woman's embarrassment. Sometimes when she spent time with the girl she was reminded of Shae and how the woman had tried to counsel her, just as she nowadays was triying to do with the young lady, "Something you wish to say, Lady Rose?" had it come from someone else the question might have embarrassed her, but the girl was only four or five and ten, just a girl in her eyes. A girl who barely knew anything about the world.
She found herself mumbling and stepping backwards as the Queen turned to face her, blushing even more profusely, "...You always warn me about men and their intentions... so I..."
"...You're returning the favor?"
"I suppose, I don't know. I'm just concerned." She looked her in the eye knowing she couldn't keep hiding what was coming, "And...Lord Harry and Lord Cromwell keep asking me questions about you and Ser Podrick that I don't like; I don't know what to make of it..."
That surprised her. It made Sansa pause and then stand, she had expected something like this, to a certain point, after all, a lady-in-waiting was there to make sure a lady's virtue would remain intact, it was just that she was too old to have people looking after her inexistent virtue. And yet, it was tradition, she liked and was amused by the girl; she didn't see why she'd have to dismiss her from her service.
She went to her bed to put on the light coat that had been lying there, "There's no need to have so many doubts filling your head. The lords worry over my friendships with Ser Podrick because, as you said already, I'm not usually friendly."
That had Lady Rose on edge, "I apologize, My Queen, but if I may... You're too friendly with him." she stated while looking at the floor.
She leveled a stern gaze at the girl, "Is that your opinion or some notion Lord Harry got into your head?" she dismissed Lord Cromwell's involvement knowing how differently he operated; he would just speak to her frankly and politely.
"That's my opinion."
Sansa nodded pensively, "It's only a friendship, Lady Rose. Ser Podrick has known me for longer than most people in this place." She saw the girl nodding at her reassurance, "Now go get some sleep and rest assured I'm not going to sneak Ser Podrick into my chambers." The girl immediately flushed red and she lowered her head, Sansa could only assume that was what Lord Harry had been asking about...
"I know you wouldn't do that. I know you haven't," she protested.
Of course she knew it, the girl practically slept with her every night. She signaled her to leave and then she went back to sit on her boudoir to work on untangling her braids on her own. Lord Harry probably had been questioning her Queensguard too, even if the only guarded her chambers when there were visitors in Winterfell.
Lady Rose set to collect the clothes even though that wasn't part of her duties and she stopped before exiting the room, "I am sorry, Ma'am, if I upset you with this conversation."
Sansa cared for the young lady and so she walked towards her with a sigh before taking her hands, "You didn't." she said, and knowing that the girl returned her affection, she decided to play her cards while caressing her blond hair, "But you know me and the fact that you were so easily convinced that I'm acting improperly is disappointing."
"I didn't believe it!" she claimed raising her head to look at the queen and feeling awful.
"...But you doubted me, didn't you?" without waiting for an answer, Sansa went back to the boudoir, "No one else hears about this conversation, not even the Lords. That's an order."
That night, Sansa was unable to find a restful sleep.
.
.
.
In the following days she found herself waiting for Lord Harry to approach her with the subject but it was Lord Cromwell who finally did, though she knew it was at Lord Harry's behest.
"I try not to judge, Ma'am, and I know you well enough to know there's nothing improper in your friendship with Ser Podrick, but what I think is different from what others in the castle may think, the workers, the lords... Sadly, this world is built on gossip."
Lord Cromwell was one of the few people who were aware of the true nature of the emotional damage that Lord Bolton had caused her and so it was evident that it was Lord Harry who thought that she was sneaking Podrick into her room, or somewhere else, "If I ended my friendship with Ser Podrick, if I stopped talking to him, it would be inconsiderate. And if I started to have our meeting in private then we would certainly be feeding the rumors."
"I understand the dilemma, Ma'am. I just needed to warn you."
"No need for warnings, Lord Cromwell. I'm very aware how my actions are perceived... I've always known how to behave and this is no exception. But I appreciate the concern."
"I feel like you're dismissing my warning, Ma'am, you might have an aversion to certain type of men, and to marriage, but my growing concern is that you seem to have a real connection with Ser Podrick. You might not be acting on it but emotionally, the difference in you can be spotted by miles." He noticed that his words upset her and so he smiled, "My Queen seems happier lately, especially when you're talking to him."
She didn't want to seem as affected as she was by those words so she feigned calm even though everything in her was protesting, "That would be all for now, Lord Cromwell."
She could tell that the man didn't take the dismissal badly as she followed him with her eyes until he crossed the door only to fall against her chair to think. She was making a mistake but didn't she deserve a sliver of happiness after all she had endured? After Ramsay she never thought a good man could be genuinely interested in her or that she could return his feelings.
.
.
.
Meanwhile Podrick was keeping his distance; he only came close when she allowed it. He slowly came to the realization that one of the things that pleased her was when she made him blush on purpose, like when she told him about earning the title of her Favorite Guard, but she didn't like it when he turned the tables on her yet he sometimes tried to get away with it.
"Do you remember that talk we had in front of Lord Harry and Lady Rose? when you told me that people would take advantage of me because I'm so nice?"
She seemed to remember that. She nodded.
"...You are taking advantage of me, Ma'am."
Those words were discouraging to her though she wasn't sure why. She slowed her steps, "...Is that really what you think?" she asked flustered, mentally disagreeing with that assertion.
Podrick smiled, "Sometimes. Or tell me, Am I wrong?"
Sansa was about to argue but instead she thought about it better and she realized that although it wasn't her intention she kept him in a sort of suspense, he was always hoping for more closeness between them yet he settled for her friendship, "Does it bother you?"
Sometimes. "…I'll let you know when if it starts to..."
Sansa gave it more thought for a while and then she decided to speak, "All of this is new for me, I've told you... I think I'm getting used to it but I'm still not fully comfortable... with this thing between us." she avoided his eye as he turned to her, "just... have more patience with me. I'm not playing games and I'll not take advantage."
Podrick went from being amused by the conversation to being surprised and then a bit thrilled. "All the patience in the world," he said softly wishing but unable to bring her hand to his lips and instead settling for accidentally grazing the back of her hand with his as they walked.
A couple of steps later she made him smile when she grazed his hand back. He wanted to say he had all the patience in the world but not all the time, though he didn't because saying that would mean he was pushing her.
"Actually, even if I had had a different life experience I think I wouldn't know how to act in this situation," Sansa mused wanting to downplay what had just been said, "Mother certainly didn't raise me to get infatuated with a boy and sneak around to kiss him."
A smile bloomed across Podrick's face, "You're a true lady, I know."
Sansa also smiled at that as she wondered how he had acted in this type of situation before her but being too ashamed to ask.
.
.
.
As far as his work as a supposed Ambassador, Podrick had quite a lot of free time because he only had to attend some council meetings and write to Lord Tyrion about a couple of things through scrolls. So he continued training as a soldier; he would rise early to do some exercise with the men, then he'd attend meetings and he'd be free in the afternoon. He decided to use that time to start reading some of the books that Lord Cromwell had suggested but he tended to fall asleep halfway through them thus making him realize he would leave politics to others.
He also found it easy to establish friendships among the lords who would visit the castle whether they were coming from the North or elsewhere since some of them even recognized him from previous visits to the King of the Six Kingdoms. Podrick was aware that those friendships were mostly false and rooted in convenience but he still enjoyed them, particularly in the occasions when the visitors wanted to do some sight-seeing and visit nearby spots; then, he would join them out of politeness, though he truly did enjoy getting out of the confinement of the castle for a while.
If there was something he loved about the North, that was it, taking a horse on the afternoons when he was free and ride without a care or a destination in mind... The pure and cool air, the sense of freedom... the peace. There were some disadvantages too, like the cold and the absence of a well-stocked city, the mud everywhere and the wet clothes after any and all outings... but he almost always decided to focus on the good parts.
Without planning to or even seeing it coming, in the eyes of the visitors he had risen within the castle's hierarchy. To the Queen and her council either he wasn't quite up to his position or they truly didn't have much for him to do, but the people visiting didn't know that... and in the long run they didn't care; what they cared about was being a single person away from the Queen in the North and from The King of the Six Kingdoms himself.
He was getting more respect as the King's envoy and he couldn't stop it when, during a visit to the former Dreadfort, the castle's lord stated that he was the single most important man in Winterfell, after the Queen, of course. He swallowed uncomfortably before correcting the man and thankful that she wasn't present for once, "Appearances, my Lord, I'm just a Knight and a Kingsguard who's temporarily performing a different duty. Rest assured that back at Wintefell I fall well below her council and her trusted personnel, as I should. The North comes first, as she would say." His cheeks were aflame at the realization that if he started to believe the lord's words he would almost be on the same level as the Queen.
And he would be more deserving of her attention.
The lord was smiling appreciatively at Ser Podrick's words so Lord Harry intervened, "Oh, don't be fooled by our new Ambassador's words, although usually quiet he's got a way with people and he knows to say what they want to hear..." but it only took him a few seconds to realize that his words fell flat because all the lords, absolutely all, were left staring at him unamused. "I see," he tried a smile, "Just a joke for another audience."
The Lord who ruled over the castle was a twice-removed cousin of Lord Royce's who had been married to a Northern lady for quite some time and had been granted the place by the Queen herself. That's how the Queen secured his allegiance.
The castle was a large one, one she had wanted demolished at first but she eventually got around to the idea that the building was valuable. Its new lords and the workers from the nearest town turned the place upside down to get rid of all the horrific objects that adorned its walls along with the torture chambers, trophy halls and endless rows of cells that could probably never be filled. Big efforts were made to rebuild the entrance to put an end to its horrific look as well as to the supposed curse that had haunted the place for centuries and which was the result of all the atrocities committed inside it walls. They did everything they were told: herbal cleanses recommended by superstitious people, hanging good luck charms around the place and even bringing priestesses from the other continent.
And all they did, they did both for their family and because by the Queen's decree; every northern castle was bound to welcome the people when winter came just as Winterfell had always done. The name of the castle was also changed to allude to the crystal waters of a nearby river and to the Queen's eyes.
Her Grace cared very little about the fate of the keep but she appreciated the effort and that they followed her orders about what to do in winter. However, she would never set foot on that place; that was something she had admitted to Podrick before his departure. That was the reason for the delegation that Podrick was joining.
"You and your dry sense of humor, huh, Lord Harry?" the lord said in a tone that said he didn't find the comment amusing at all. Podrick remained silent but little by little he was losing his patience with the lord, and the gods knew he had quite a lot of it.
Once he returned from the visit, a scroll had been waiting for him. The Three-Eyed-Raven seal was unbroken. As he read the news, he became more and more convinced that the queen would not like this at all. As soon as he was finished he went looking for her and waited outside her study until she was left alone, "I received a letter from your brother, Ma'am."
She looked up right away; ever since turning him into his Ambassador, Bran had stopped writing her choosing instead to write Podrick directly. It bothered her, she couldn't deny it.
Podrick took a deep breath as he decided to start with the good news, "He says that all Northern lords are loyal to you, even if some don't like you they still respect you and remain loyal. None of them are interested in rising up in arms against you."
That was good, it gave her some peace of mind, but from Podrick's serious face she knew there was more. She gestured for him to continue.
"Also... there was an assassination attempt against the King a couple of weeks ago but don't worry! Everything's fine! He saw it coming and they couldn't even get near him," he added in a rush to deliver the news, "he barely mentioned on the letter, he mostly wanted to let you know that your treacherous lords had the support of an unhappy faction that wished to destabilize his rule... by starting with yours."
"What?"
Podrick shrugged and shook his head, "Like I said, he didn't explain much, he just wants you to know that he dealt with the culprits and that you should stop fearing another attack. Oh, and that you shouldn't seek further retaliation in the south or go looking for information that he already buried. 'It's been handled.' was the last thing he wrote."
Inside, Sansa was screaming in rage at Bran's casualness, at how little he said "Would It be too much trouble if I read the letter, Ser Podrick?"
In the middle of her sentence, Podrick was already taking it out of his pocket, "I'm hoping to receive at least a letter from Ser Brienne or Lord Tyrion in the next couple of days with more explanations." He added, though he didn't think she was listening to him since her focus was on her brother's letter.
.
.
.
Once again, I love this translation and fangfaceandrea's efforts!