Chapter 12
"Ser Podrick is quite a catch, a Knight, a Kingsguard, a hero, an ambassador, honorable and brave by all accounts...not to mention, the most virtuous lover Westeros has seen."
Sansa looked on as Lord Harry threw that dig against Podrick and she could tell that it served its purpose of shaming him because he was forcing a smile.
"Pardon my words, My Queen." Lord Harry added with a smile.
Not for the first time she realized Lord Harry seemed to want to make Podrick's popularity grow since his reputation wasn't entirely known to everyone. To Lady Wylla, for instance, who at the moment was whispering with her sister with obvious disapproval on her face, and she could tell by the look of curiosity of several Lords and Ladies that they didn't understand where the words were coming from.
She didn't stay silent, though, "is that envy I hear, Lord Harry?" she asked mockingly, making the room burst into laughter followed by the lords thumping their cups on the table to cheer her on. The man just blushed and fell silent.
Her eyes went to Podrick, who was hiding his smirk behind his cup to then raise his eyes to her for a second and slightly bow his head to her in thanks. But they broke their gaze almost immediately because neither wanted their guests to take notice of the kinship between them.
"Oh Podrick, if only you weren't a Kingsguard, the life you could have!" Lord Manderly said which served to have other lords raising their cups in agreement.
"I heard a third of the women in Westeros went into mourning when they heard the news of you becoming a Kingsguard." More laughter erupted.
It was clear to Sansa that they would keep joking about this and without thinking her eyes went to him; she studied him as his smile grew instead of faltering, obviously finding the words funny and she couldn't help but feel ...a sinking feeling… disappointment? annoyance? In her discomfort she looked around the room and she failed to avoid Lord Harry's reproachful eyes, where she could read the question 'Is that what you want?'but she refused to let him know of her own disgust with the situation so she defiantly jutted out her chin.
"Tel me, what was it like knowing you only had to speak your name out loud to get a handful of curios women ready for you?"
"Lord Tyrion speaks highly of you," another Lord interjected, "and he has told me that, had you set your mind to it in your youth, you could have bankrupted half the brothels in Westeros." Guffaws all around.
Podrick wasn't above being somewhat amused by all the ludicrous chatter, "believe me, my Lords, those are just jests and exaggeration." he decided to interject at last to put a stop to the talk because it was one thing to hear it while men were joking around but there were women present, even worse, the Queen was there! But what followed his words was another blast of laughter. Before taking another sip of his ale, he added, "Besides, I think I'm still in my youth."
"Eh, not so much and anyway, what good is it being young if you can't fuck..."
The man who spoke was obviously drunk and Lord Cromwell could see that some of the ladies —but not all— were scandalized by the comment while Ser Podrick turned red and mumbled something as he threw a quick glance at the Queen only to look somewhere else immediately after. That's when he decided to stand, "My Lords, do remember we're in the presence of Ladies." he stated and was met by a multitude of apologetic murmurs, "Let's show some respect," he asked, suspecting that, if unchecked, from here on the talk would only get more tawdry.
She'd like to be above being embarrassed by such talk and she would often think she had gotten used to the lords drunken and vulgar yammering only to find them remembering that she was a woman. That was the chief reason why she'd leave all festivities just before the merriment turned to something heavier. The room settled down some and a moment later Lady Cromwell stood and went to Sansa with a kind smile on her face.
"Men..." she said to the Queen who shook her head in reply, "I wonder what their reaction would be if all the women in the room joined in and started talking about womanly matters."
"We would apologize and then we'd leave, dear." Lord Cromwell answered his wife.
"You'd run for the hills, dear." she saw the Queen's smile turned more sincere. "That's a gorgeous dress, My Queen, did you sew it yourself?" she noticed her husband standing up and so she took his seat next to the queen.
"Sadly, Lady Cromwell, I don't have much time to sew these days." she looked at the other woman's dress and though she had taken noticed of the fabric and brocade from afar, seeing the elegant stitching up close was striking, "your work is magnificent, as always." The lady let the Queen admire her dress and trace her fingers over the fabric. "Lady Cromwell, have I told you that the few good memories I have of the last winter are of those rare occasions when we passed time stitching?"
The lady smiled at her "For me as well." that had been a good way to distract themselves from the darkness outside, the freezing cold, the deafening silence, the enclosure and anxiety that overwhelmed them. Of course that was only in the beginning, when everything was calm but when time started passing and the food and wood became scarcer, the anxiety and exasperation kept growing. For her, it had been the worse two years of her life and she had heard other northerners who had never lived through a winter say the same.
The Queen never complained but she always seemed worried. She decided to reminisce about those times aloud as they shared some wine. That was the first time that the Queen admitted to her how scared she had been during that winter. By the end, she was overwhelmed by her role as Queen as all of her council and maesters could attest to; she had also known it even without her husband telling her about it.
After a while of conversation Lady Cromwell retired and she was about to do the same when Lady Wynafryd and Lady Wylla approached to discuss trivial matter, so she settled into conversation comfortably even if she was not too aware of the mummers plays and songs that had people talking at the moment. The conversation turned serious at certain point, they went over economic matters and Wynafryd let Wylla take the reins of the conversation, which Sansa remarked upon since it was Wynafryd who was the heir, though neither seemed to take issue with it, and when she asked about it after taking a sip of wine, she was met by two smiles.
"Since we were little what was mine was also Wylla's and what was hers was mine." Wynafryd answered as she refilled the Queen's cup.
Wylla knew that her sister's words were now solidified by her choice not to have a family of her own, "Except her husband" she added jokingly.
Wynafryd was surprised at her sister's words uttered in front of the Queen but she only rolled her eyes before agreeing with her, "Family always comes first. And Wylla has always been better with numbers than me. Once grandfather is gone I'll have no issue with leaving the finances in her and our family advisors' hands." She said. She was also well aware that Wylla was more familiar with the Queen that she, "I'll leave you for now, though, I don't want grandfather to drink too much, the maesters forbade it but look at him with another cup in is hand."
Sansa's eyes followed her as she chastised the old man, who didn't appreciate it at all.
"The Maesters say that if he doesn't change his eating habits and the way he drinks, he'll be digging his on grave soon." Lady Wylla added as she noticed the Queen regarding their family dynamics.
Sansa nodded as she stood up, wishing to leave the room for this conversation and being followed by Snow. Once in her solar, they went over some troubles over at White Harbor but the Manderlys were one of the few vassals who didn't come to her demanding money and presenting their problems, which was a refreshing change from other lords, and it was surprising too, since they were located in the largest city in the North and their pressing issues were bigger than in other villages.
Nonetheless, Sansa knew that Wylla meant to get ahead of the rest of the gathered Lords by sealing a deal that would benefit White Harbor over Winterfell without knowing that even so, the north, from Winterfell to Castle Black would also reap its benefits, but accepting that deal wasn't something she could just do without consulting her advisors first. "I have a mind to build a small port up in Long Lake so that we are able to make a better trade route along Acorn Water and White Knife to deliver provisions faster from White Harbor." She decided to bring a new deal to the table.
That had always been the idea, "But you know that we've always held back because of the strong currents and the rocky patches along the rivers that stop us from moving heavy cargo."
"I know, but that could change. I've heard news of woods imported from Essos that seem to be proving useful in Riverrun and I want to build one or two ships with it here to see how it goes." Lady Wylla raised her brows before nodding to the idea. Sansa took a second to let the woman work out that if things went well both White Harbor and her family would me amongst the ones who had more to gain from such investment. And Sansa could tell that sharing the information had the desired effect, she'd get her main investor if her plan was successful.
"I've heard that those imported woods can be used in all sorts of endeavors. In fact, a large stock has reached the shores of Westeros. It's mainly owned by my uncle Edmure, who seems quite pleased with the results, so when I heard it I decided to invest and bring a sample to the North. The wood will reach White Harbor in a few weeks and I already got in touch with a shipyard master."
The shipyard and the reason why she hadn't consulted the Manderlys before were the subjects they discussed for the next minutes. Sansa offered the information that she thought was necessary to pique her interest so that she would bring the matter to her grandfather and sister. They spent some time like this until Wylla purposely decided to change the subject, "It seems Ser Podrick has taken a liking to the North." she said going straight to the point.
Sansa raised her eyes suspicious of where this was going. "And the North to him."
"The North or you?" she asked daringly and knowing, thanks to a few birds of her own, that the Guard-come-Ambassador kept his distance during the Lords' visits, while the rest of the time they got on splendidly,splendid enough to give rise to the odd rumor here and there.
Sansa was feeling attacked but she decided to face it head on, "We've known each other since we were children, do you really think I'd act improperly?" she asked bewildered. The liberties she had granted Podrick were one thing, but whatever Lady Wylla was imagining was another thing altogether. And she assumed the woman's imagination was running wild after what she had heard of the knight in the Great Hall.
Lady Wylla harrumphed quietly. They tended to talk without mincing words when it came to business and to some personal matters, but it was The Queen, she was speaking to now and they had never talked about something as personal so openly, "We all go through different things in life. We change, we evolve, and we go backwards... I see a possibility in everything, Ma'am."
Without wiping the smile form her face, Sansa stood. For her, acting in the improper way in which Lady Wylla was insinuating was beyond unthinkable, it was impossible, "...No need to worry, Lady Wylla. I know my place and my duty."
Lady Wylla, alongside Snow, also stood deciding not to keep quiet because she had a strong hunch, "Even if he wasn't a Kingsguard and there was a chance for a union between you two, Podrick Payne is not husband material for the Queen in the North. You heard how they speak about him!"
Union?... Husband? Sansa was taken aback, that hadn't crossed her mind and she frowned as she considered it, not quite recovered from the woman's words. But then again, what was she playing at with Podrick? Those thoughts, she decided to leave for later, "...I think you forget that the last thing I want is a marriage." She was referring to a conversation they had had long ago. For different reasons, both shared an aversion to a future union that paved the way to a kinship between them since they both felt the stress of wanting to go against the norm. But unlike Wylla, Sansa knew she was the last hope of passing on her family name, their legacy, so she knew that a marriage and children were the steps she'd have to take some day and she would, but for now she wasn't at all interested in doing her duty.
She walked the lady to the door as she was unable to shake the thought that the time to form a family was coming for her, "Lady Wylla, I haven't changed my mind, least of all because of Podrick Payne," which was true, she might be besotted with him, infatuated even, but she had never considered him as a possibility. When the time came to take that final step she'd have to choose a man that, besides being decent, would benefit the North.
That was what she had been expecting, at least, not that she could believe it entirely. "I'm sorry for being so direct; I know it's not my place. It's just that I worry for you as much as I worry for the realm."
Sansa granted her that, "I've found a friendship and mutual fondness in Ser Podrick that I didn't see coming. And it's a friendship that connects me to those close to my heart in Kings Landing." she offered, trying not to seem too defensive because she knew that depending on her reaction, there could be even more questions, which was something she could not let happen.
Wylla smiled politely but unconvinced. Still, the information she had gotten pointed to the same claims the Queen was making, to her fondness for Podrick, to their friendship, and none of her spies were able to tell her how deep that friendship truly was.
"That's all there is, Lady Wylla, nothing for you to worry about."
She wasn't at all clear that that was her dismissal and as she left the room she noticed nether the Queen nor the Wolf were following her, "Aren't you going back to the Great Hall?"
She shook her head, "...It's time I retire." She was expecting Lady Wylla to say something else, on pushing to get more answers but instead the woman just pet Snow, who wagged his tail in return.
Once she found herself alone, she went back to her desk lost in the thought of what had been said and what she heard about Podrick in the Great Hall. He was definitely not husband material for her —not that she had entertained the thought— and it wasn't like his reputation had mattered until now but for the first time she was disturbed by the mockery that would come if people found out about her infatuation with him out of all the men in Westeros.
'We change, we evolve, and we go backwards... I see a possibility in everything, Ma'am.'
Sansa was aware of her own ability to adapt to the circumstances; she had to work on it ever since she first arrived in Kings Landing. And after everything she had gone through she had evolved, she wasn't the innocent girl she once was, her eyes had been forcefully opened... she'd never be that girl again, she knew too much about the horrors of the world to have an unmarred mind, to go backwards, it was only forwards for her...
And that Sansa of two and ten would have never thought about hiding away to kiss Podrick Payne —or any other young man— yet she had done so filled with curiosity and rebelling against everything she was.
When she made up her mind to go look for him in Barrow Hall she was overly aware that she was not acting as a Lady ought to, but what good had acting like it had done for her anyway?
So she hadn't given it much though, she just refused to deny herself what she wanted. She hadn't looked down on Ser Brienne when she found out about her liaison with Jaime Lannister and Arya hadn't lost the place in her heart once she started hearing rumors that linked her to Gendry Baratheon. The Sansa of old would have been appalled but Ser Brienne and Arya had followed their hearts and wants and though things hadn't ended well, she knew that at least Ser Brienne had no regrets... and that made her act on her own yearnings while understanding fully that she didn't want from Podrick Payne more than a kiss.
Well, that had changed by now.
Now she wanted his presence, his talks, his attention, his compliments and innocent caresses... she was finding some pleasure in them and she couldn't lie to herself about it. What she didn't know yet was what she thought she was playing at. And she didn't know what he thought about this whole situation because as much as they talked, they always avoided talking about what was happening between them.
She took a deep breath trying to shake the thoughts away, at least for now.
She decided to go to the library for a book to distract her from her worries, plus going in that direction meant avoiding the Great Hall altogether and not taking the risk of running into one of her visitors looking to have a chat with her.
As she stepped through the antechamber at the rear of the library, she saw that the torches were lit. And by the time the direwofl started growling it was too late, she was already pushing through the door and groaning quietly as she found none other than Ser Podrick sitting in there with a flagon of wine, "...Snow." she warned to stop him from growling. Oddly enough, she didn't feel uncomfortable by the turn of events, nor was she upset by what she had heard hours before, "Hiding from Lord Harry's words?" she ventured to ask.
Podrick stood while she remained by the door hesitant on whether to join him or not. "You'll have to forgive me when the Lord and I inevitably start a fight." he said making her frown in surprise at the words, and then he cleared his throat, "And I have to thank you, ma'am, for putting him in his place as cunningly as you did." Had they been alone, he wouldn't have kept silent; he would have told or shown him where he could stick his remarks.
He wasn't smiling, which was unusual in Podrick, and it showed her that her advisor's words had really bothered him, "I only spoke the truth, it sounded like envy." He appeared envious to others but she knew he was jealous. Her hand went to the door frame as though to remain there for a bit longer.
"Envy or jealousy?" his eyes sought hers as he awaited an answer they both already knew.
"Jealousy?" she asked surprised, unaware that Podrick knew of the Lord's unrequited feelings.
"You know very well that he is not envious of my reputation." he smiled, feeling suddenly affected by her, and her eyes and blush told him she was too, "The Queen appears friendlier toward me than him."
Lady Rose came to her mind, then, "...Not too friendly, I hope." she couldn't help the unabashed flirting in her tone even if she hadn't meant to sound like that.
Podrick sighed, she was good at evading the subject, "Oh, sometimes you are, Ma'am." she hid from no one that she enjoyed his presence and conversation, and though they weren't an everyday occurrence, it was only a matter of time before the lords and ladies started to take notice or started getting the odd comment and then questions and rumors would arise. He was expecting a repeat of a conversation they had couple of months before when she asked him if he thought their friendship was improper. But she didn't say a word.
Lately, she had wondered if Podrick truly enjoyed all of their conversations or if he was just pretending because she was The Queen and he feel the need to entertain her... or if he really was expecting something in return. She wanted to ask that question, but not that night.
He saw that she was about to leave and so he spoke, "If you'll indulge me with your company for a few minutes I'll tell you about one of the ironies in my life."
The worst part was that she was interested in whatever it was he wanted to tell her, "Are you feeling lonely, Podrick?" she asked as she crossed the threshold and her face warmed up. His eyes were expectant and she saw him swallowing nervously, surely remembering the last time they'd been alone in Barrow Hall. Or the last time they'd kissed to cast out loneliness.
Was she playing games on purpose? "...Sometimes it's hard not to feel lonely but no, I'm mad at Lord Harry."
"Hmm that's something I can understand." and she was curious after what she heard in the east, but a different kind of curious than, from what the lord said, other women felt about Podrick. She knew she shouldn't but she came closer and took one of the cups only from him to take it from her while grazing her fingers with his in a manner that was far from accidental. As feelings rushed through her, she observed him filling her cup and giving it back, but this time he made no attempt to touch her.
"Remind me again why he advices you?"
She fixed her eyes on his cup, "he has valuable connections and points of view. He's one of my best advisors." But she didn't want to talk about that, "Tell me, then, about one of the ironies of your life."
Podrick found himself stuttering and regretting this already, but what was done, was done, he slumped into his seat carelessly, making it creak, "I'm sure you've heard where my... reputation comes from."
"If I remember correctly the last time we skirted over the matter you said it was improper." So what had changed? Everything. They both knew it even if they weren't saying it.
Nodding, he continued, "and you said then that you didn't want to talk about it, you just wanted to tease me. Well, what I'm about to tell you will have you laughing at me...if you promise not to tell anyone."
She was no longer certain that she would find whatever this was amusing, given the annoyance she felt in the Great Hall when the topic was brought up. Still, her cheeks reddened, "Is this about the whores who refused your coin?" she couldn't bring herself to believe that story.
He blushed in turn as he nodded, "...Well, the truth is they did just not because I... astonished them with my prowess... but because I sang to them and I was respectful." he had sung and he had gotten sex advise that he had put to test with them and he had pleased them, but it wasn't anything as out of the ordinary as to have earn the title of the Best Lover in Westeros, it was Lord Tyrion and Lord Bron who had branded him that.
Sansa took a sip from her cup embarrassed and disturbed by the nature of the conversation, "This is the first time I think you're trying to take me for a fool, which I definitely don't like." his face was even redder than before and he squirmed in his seat, which emboldened her to go on, "I'm sure you did more than singing and being respectful to them." she also wondered how much Podrick had had to drink to be revealing all of this to her.
She wasn't one to be lied to, "Well, yes. And I apologize," he said averting her eyes as he tried to find the words to phrase this politely, "I learned a few things that day but... my reputation in a complete lie." he was sweating and blushing thoroughly,what had possessed him to reveal this to her? Obviously, it was so that she wouldn't think badly of him after the talk in the Great Hall.
What good did telling her this do to Podrick? Would it change her opinion of him for the better? This definitely wasn't a ploy to tempt her, "A great lie that has helped you get...closely acquainted with plenty of women, I suppose."
"Not as many as rumor has it." he stated and he realized he was talking more than he should be because of the shock on her face. Sure, back in Kings Landing he had been with a certain number of women, maidens and ladies alike whose curiosity had been piqued when the gossip had spread and so he didn't have to go to great lengths to seduce them.
Or maybe the fact that he was younger than them and wasn't threatening was what had them seeking him out, along with the rumors, obviously. And their desire for experimentation. He distinctly remember a couple of women outright dismissing him afterwards seen him by telling him that they were sorry but he was just a boy. He didn't have any such encounters while in the Kings Road with Ser Brienne. And once they had settled in Winterfell, Ser Brienne kept him so busy that the few ones he enjoyed then were rushed and meaningless. After the destruction of Kings Landing he immediately went from becoming a knight to making his oath to the King.
So it wasn't like the word plenty was an accurate depiction of the truth. Not that he said any of that since it would only make this conversation more uncomfortable. "I just lived my life. And I was telling the truth, the rumors about me are exaggerated." Sure, back then, it was because he thought he had earned his reputation that he acted confident enough to almost always get what he wanted. But it really was more because he respected those women, and because he enjoyed giving them pleasure; a combination that, he soon found out, was a novelty for most of the female gender and he had been delighted to provide, "I just don't want you thinking poorly of me, Ma'am." he didn't want her image of him to be one of an irresponsible and promiscuous lecher.
Sansa was trying to remain still despite feeling deeply uncomfortable, "None of this concerns me, Podrick," the past was in the past and he kept his oath to her brother, that was what matter, right? She had no interest whatsoever on the women who still lived in Winter Town or who worked at the castle with whom he had been involved once, right? ...She didn't care that she could be some play thing just like those other women had been?
He struggled to find the words, "Yes. I…hmmm... the Lords shouldn't talk that kind of talk in front of you and your ladies. That's all." he heard himself say stupidly.
She took a deep breath wishing to set her embarrassment and doubts aside but not quite managing it. "You know Podrick, long ago...when I first heard about your reputation, I came up with a theory based on the time I spent with Lord Baelish."
He raised his eyebrows surprised that she wanted to talk more about this and though he was apprehensive he took a sip from his wine and nodded, "Let's hear it, then..."
She paused then, trying to get her thoughts in order and without looking at him, she also drank from her cup, "...That brothel was hisand knowing him... it was likely that he was in cahoots with those women to refuse your payment so that you'd visit them again and so that, in a moment of weakness, you'd share something about Lord Tyrion, about the Crown's matters..." the only sound she heard in the room was the fire crackling and her own beating heart when she raised her eyes to him, "That was Lord Baelish's way of getting information, after all."
She looked as him with pride in her eyes from working out all that and from being certain she was right. But he was frowning as he took in her words.
Podrick's face was one of denial and it made her feel victorious, "I've never heard of prostitutes who don't charge for her services, have you?" she asked as she took the cup to her lips. Tyrion couldn't have been that smart if he overlooked that... it was more likely that he wanted to help create a reputation for Pod. A Lannister always pays his debts and Tyrion owed Podrick his life, "Tell me, did it happen again aside from those... first few times?" she knew she was crossing a line, that she was being too presumptions with her questions, too brazen, but that's not what she was feeling. She just felt like she was winning an argument and she was basking on it.
She was being cheeky and he took notice, they shouldn't have been discussing this and yet, he couldn't help himself, given her attitude, "No, because since the moment the rumors spread I never had to step on a brothel again... I've never paid for it!" he rushed to say that last part, which elicited an even deeper shade of red on her cheeks as she straightened and took her arms off the table as though to put more space between them.
He hadn't meant to make her uncomfortable but it was obvious he did. His words were technically true, he had visited brothels a few other times with Bronn, and it was the man who paid, but he already knew those places weren't to his liking by the time Jon Snow had been showing Queen Cersei a Wight. He preferred a chase; seducing them, making them curious... just as he had slowly been doing with her; slowly, more slowly than a turtle and with very little success a devil whispered in his alcohol-filled mind.
Sansa swallowed realizing that on this night Podrick wasn't holding back his words or deferring to her as Queen, "Tyrion is clever but he has a soft spot for you and if he believed that story, well..." she decided for a slight change in the subject.
The more he thought about it the more he realized something like her theory had never crossed his mind. He doubted Lord Tyrion had been as naive, though, he surely had considered it and discarded it for some reason, choosing to believe instead in his, and the whores' version of events. Bronn believed it too, he had never felt like the two men were acting just to give him a reputation and... and then... help him pave the way to get women easily? There was a flaw in that theory but he didn't know exactly where. Once he was back in King's Landing, he'd talk about it with Lord Tyrion. "Have you given that theory a lot of thought, ma'am?" he lowered his gaze, unable to stop the smile on his face at making her uncomfortable and repaying her boldness with his own.
"Not...a lot." She looked to his cup embarrassed, her cheeks aflame with mortification and shame, " How much have you drunk? You'd never discuss these things with me sober..."
"Honestly, quite a lot..." he admitted, "I just didn't want you to think that everything they say about me is true." She had drunk more than usual that night too, that's something he noticed back in the Great Hall, and it was the reason why she was bringing this up.
"But it's not like you're a saint, Ser Podrick." she replied downing the last of her wine before standing up.
"I'm not, I'll admit that" He stood up as well, intending to stop her, "Don't go,Ma'am" he ventured, "We'll talk of something else. Whatever you want. I'll behave." he went to take her hand but she averted his attempt.
She didn't feel at ease with a drunken Podrick, "Good night, Ser Podrick."
"I suspect that, due to my reputation, to what you heard tonight in the Great Hall, you might be doubting my intentions with you." He added when he saw her reach the door, "But believe me, my intentions aren't lowly, Ma'am." In his drunken state he felt something akin to adoration but he had enough sense not to say that out loud and especially not to go to her and touch her without her consent.
"Good night, Ser Podrick." she repeated pointedly. This wasn't the time for this conversation, maybe later. And it only served to feed her confusing thoughts. In the way to her room she realized that in the end she didn't take a book from the library.
It was foolish of them that the thought of someone overhearing their conversation never crossed their minds.
.
.
.
The next morning Podrick only remember fragments of their conversation and he was shamefaced when he finally faced her, "I shouldn't have spoken to you in the way I did, Ma'am." he said as soon as they were able to get some privacy.
Sansa pretended not to give him her full attention by reading a petition from a lord who hadn't attended the meetings, "...You weren't the only one speaking, Ser Podrick."
¿Ser Podrick? By now she rarely addressed him as Ser when they were alone, which made him wary of the way he should be expressing himself to her. "...I know but, still... I know I overstepped. I am sorry." From what he remembered she had crossed a line too but it was he who had to apologize because he felt that he pushed the conversation out of his own self-interest so that she wouldn't think badly of him.
"You're forgiven." she simply said. But sensing that he was less than satisfied with her words, she faced him, "What would you have me say?" she asked with a sigh.
It was difficult but he held her gaze, "That what happened last night won't change our... friendship?"
"For now it will make it awkward." she responded derisively but seeing that he was truly concerned, she sighed resignedly before glancing at the clock, she didn't have time for this, "Ask me again in a couple of days."
Not wanting to further aggravate her, he nodded, "I will."
.
.
.
Lady Wylla met with the Queen some days later with something she had been meaning to ask for months but always seemed to forget. After some trivial chatter she asked, "Tell me, My Queen," she said in a hushed voice, "are you still looking for your uncle Brandon's...bastards?" over three years ago, Sansa had confessed to her crazy notion that she would take one of those descendants under her wing.
Although the Queen hadn't outright said it, Wylla knew that her plans were there as a possible solution since she didn't want to marry. 'It's a shame that in order to have a family of my own I have to put up with a man beside me.' The Queen herself had uttered those words once without mincing her words in such a way that she took her grandfather by surprise and had her guffawing and choking with the wine she had been drinking to the point of spitting out through her nose.
Her grandfather hadn't approved of those words or the fact that she had cheered the Queen on with the uncontrollable laughter that they elicited from her.
She sighed, "You're right, Lady Wylla, that's a dead end." For five years she had been tracking all the women who were linked to her uncle and could have given him a child, but those bastards were older than her, and though she wasn't scared for her claim, she couldn't be absolutely certain that they were Starks. The only one who would know for certain was the Three-Eyed-Raven but he told her that even if he vouched for them, —which he didn't plan on doing— she knew that she had to consider the opinion of the North, and the North wouldn't like her maneuvering to get herself an heir.
You are the blood of Winterfell, of the First Men, the future of house Stark.
That had been his last words on that scroll, brief and to the point, words that sealing the fact that she would have to marry and continue her family's legacy. That was something she understood, but having Bran—or the Three-Eyed-Raven— remind her was...
Wylla studied the Queen and she saw her resigned to her decision. Good.
From afar, Podrick saw the Queen walking and talking with Lady Wylla. He knew that it was best that the other woman wouldn't take notice of him so he looked at Her Grace one last time and he left.
They were playing a dangerous game, Podrick knew it, a game where she laid the rules and which was set against him. But it was very difficult to reject her company or even attempt avoiding her. He had made a conscious decision to put aside everything concerning their supposed friendship. To not over think things and to only let whatever happened happen knowing that it would probably only amount to a couple more kisses, if he was lucky.
Maybe it was just that he was so avid for female company that he would gladly take any crumbs she threw his way. But then he remembered her words and he put himself in her shoes; they weren't crumbs for her, they were honestly long strides that had taken her where they were. He understood her reluctance and the reason for it...
From the moment she asked him to be patient with her he had started acting with more self-restraint; sometimes he would feel so dazzled by her beauty that he had to praise her when they were in private since he was aware that it pleased her, sometimes, he would take her hands to caress them and she would let him. But he never did more than that since he knew he had to let her take the first step to initiate closer contact... he was still waiting for it.
At times, he wasn't sure if she feared it or if she only acted on her desires when they very suddenly and rarely appeared. He wondered if she truly didn't constantly want to be kissing and touching him like he did with her, "Shit, I'm screwed."
His train of thought was interrupted when Lord Manderly surprised him by calling to him some minutes later. He was surprised when he saw Lord Cromwell and Lord Harry by the door of the room he'd been called to as they made way for them to go through first. The old man then proceeded to tell them that he had been in the south not long ago and that he had heard disquieting rumors about the attack against the Queen, which disconcerted the three men. "What is being said?"
"More like what isn't." The Queen arrived right then with the man's granddaughter, who was dismissed almost immediately after, to her displeasure since the subject matter was none of her business. Once they were alone, he continued, "I imagine you've heard about the accident during that tourney in The Reach?"
"Of course," answered Lord Harry.
That was the latest news from the south; the roof of the arena had plummeted just over a bunch of Lords from various regions killing them instantly. The Queen, Lord Cromwell and Podrick had secretly theorized that that was how 'the situation had been handled' by the King of the Six Kingdoms after the attacks against him and his sister.
"Among the many things, it's been said that those lords had been involved in the attack against the Queen and that this accident was her way of making them pay without sullying her name…"
"I had nothing to do with it." Sansa replied at once.
"That's preposterous" added Lord Harry. "It was an accident."
Lord Manderly nodded, "I'm just warning you Ma'am, my lords, that there's a chance of a member of those families wanting to seek retaliation."
That's the last thing she needed, was Sansa's concerned thought.
Podrick had been watching the Queen's reactions when he heard Lord Manderly calling his name, "My Lord?"
"I hear you are friends with Lord Bronn of the Blackwater," he waited for Podrick to nod slowly, understanding what he meant. "You could write to him so that we can learn more about this business."
Podrick knew that the Queen wasn't too fond of Bronn but he would write him either official or not depending on what she thought, "As far as I know, Lord Bronn's relationship with most of the lords of the Reach isn't the best." They had wanted him to give up Highgarden but he hadn't and they had eventually reached some sort of agreement, and that was the last he heard of it.
"We lose nothing by writing to him."
"Of course, My Lord", he said, thinking of writing to the King, to Ser Brienne and Lord Tyrion as well, as he figured she'd be doing too.
.
.
.
Bronn's reply arrived containing long paragraphs filled with friendly stories and mockery and only two lines to address the reason for his reply. He told him that only very few people believed what was being said about the Queen's involvement in the accident.
He didn't show her the letter because Bronn's words were not meant for a lady's eyes but he did show the letter to Lord Cromwell pointing on the scroll to what he was meant to read but upon seeing the man's disproving face and then a smile he realized that the man had read something that wasn't meant for his eyes.
After they both informed the Queen about the reply, she admitted to them that she had been nervous about a potential attack but it wouldn't stop her from going on a visit to Crofter's Village two weeks later.
Still, there was something in the letter that Podrick couldn't get out of his mind and so a few days later he woke up in the middle of the night certain of what to look for on it. After decrypting the code, one similar to the one he used to communicate with Brienne, he found a message that made some sense.
'King behind accident. Asked me to handle. No one must know. Not even Queen. Burn.'
Was that a complete surprise? No. But Bronn's involvement was. And this would be the first secret he'd have to keep from her because he knew just how vital it was to keep that type of secret. If anything, he wondered what the King had offered Bronn in exchange for committing the deed. And Bronn had taken a risk by writing that scroll. He immediately went to the fireplace to burn the scroll and the paper he used to decode it.
A few days before they were set out to leave, Podrick was coordinating some final details with Jacob when Lord Harry approached him and Podrick knew that the man intended to start something with him because he dismissed the Queensguard's Commander right away.
"Your presence in this outing isn't needed."
The man's presence alone was enough to annoy Podrick but he wasn't expecting having him telling him that, "I know but I figure that at least half of my job consists in guarding the Queen." he answered as he continued with his business without sparing the man a glance.
"And is that all you do?" he asked sardonically, making Podrick stop his task of checking on the swords for a second.
Podrick didn't over-think what he said after, "She's the Queen and I serve at her pleasure," he shrugged, "I'll be whatever she needs me to be."
The man took a step forward, "And did she say that she needed you to guard her in this trip?"
No but he suspected that it was what she expected, not that it concerned the other man, "If you have something to say, go on and say it," the Lord's eyes went to the sword in his hand and so Podrick put it on the table without taking his eyes off him, "Come on, do it, throw the first punch, you'll find out just how much I want to beat you up for all your snide remarks." And Podrick couldn't help but feel a sort of thrill when not three seconds later the man turned around and left.
He didn't think a man of that size would back down from a fight.
.
.
.
It was during the visit to Crofter's Village that Podrick caught the attention of a young lady who seemed fascinated by him. Sansa eyed them from the other end of the hall trying not to think much of it, telling herself that it was innocent and that the girl probably was taken by the fact that he was from the south. But as the hours and the first day went by, she kept noticing how the young woman would cross his path on purpose and would stare at him until he set his eyes on her, and Podrick seemed to enjoy the attention since he would smile and chat with her though he didn't seem overly interested.
She was a strikingly beautiful girl, she had green eyes, light brown hair, she was tall, voluptuous, charming and confident in a manner that was odd for her age... and mostly, she reminded Sansa that she was no longer a young woman; she was a fully grown woman, filled with fears and insecurities. It was that realization that upset her even if she was trying to be objective in remarking that the lady wasn't acting too brazenly. If anything, she could pass for someone trying to be a good host.
Shae and Margery Tyrell sprang to mind then, since she remembered the former warning her that men tended not to mind a big age gap with a young woman.And the latter reminded her of how she used her beauty and youth to get any man she wanted eating from her palm.
On the first evening she came to realize who the young woman's mother was; an elegant Lady that Sansa had never met before and although Sansa tried to get Lady Marna out of her head she was unable to since rumor had it that she was one of her uncle Brandon's bastards, which would made them cousins if it was true.
She kept studying her from afar any chance she got. She was looking for a liking between her and Arya or Jon, who were said to have the Stark look, but she didn't find it... she wondered if Lady Marna's mother was alive and so she tasked her trusted maids with finding out about that.
On the second day she heard Lady Marna's young daughter asking Podrick on a walk to show him some nearby ruins. She saw her asking him to eat at her table. She saw her asking him to dance through her advisors. Podrick rejected every invitation with a smile, at least as far as she was able to witness, the only thing he allowed had been that conversation on the first day, but she didn't know what they could have talked about that was so interesting.
And she wasn't the only one who took notice of the lady's flirtation since she wasn't subtle in her interest in Podrick being a Knight. "I'm sure I shouldn't warn you, Ser Podrick, but the last thing we need is trouble or even ill-intentioned rumors involving that young woman, should I?" Lord Cromwell said. He remembered what it was to be young and hot-blooded, being a Kingsguard didn't mean he wouldn't be tempted.
"That's unthinkable to me, My lord." he answered and since someone else interjected, he couldn't stop his eyes from fixing on the Queen, whose face revealed nothing except for a slight jutting out of her chin and an intensity to her eyes for the shortest of seconds that spoke clearly on her behalf. He turned to the lord once more, was she mad? Hurt? Jealous?
"Good. I'm sure that if anything were to happen her family wouldn't sit there with their arms crossed."
"Don't worry about it, my Lord." he answered plainly before bowing and leaving the room not without looking at her again to find her raising her brow at Lord Harry who was staring at her intently.
Sansa waited until Podrick left before speaking, "What does her lord father thing of her behavior?"
"He's not happy. I heard him demanding that she behave or he'd have her removed from the castle." another of her advisors replied.
"And he threatened to send her to the Silent Sisters if she kept her scandalous behavior up."
Seeing an opportunity that she couldn't let get away, Sansa addressed Lord Cromwell, "... I hope that's not how you see me when I invite Ser Podrick to join me on walks or meals."
Lord Cromwell stared at her surprised by her bringing it up aloud and possibly opening herself to an onslaught of comments from her own advisors. But he knew her well enough to understand that her tone betrayed a warning to leave it at that. "No, Ma'am. There's nothing for you to be concerned. You're a consummated lady."
"What that young woman needs is to learn some propriety, which you have in spades..." another advisor added.
"Good." she answered and she bowed her head throwing a look at Lord Harry, "That puts my mind at ease." She said while the lord shook his head letting her know he knew what she was doing. Sansa ignored him.
Her friendship with Ser Podrick was public knowledge by now but only Lord Cromwell and Lord Harry dared question it, though not because they paraded it since they always made sure to keep their distance, even when they were in private. More often than before, she would find herself alone with him, though they did nothing more than talking, Talking is all we do, Ma'am, he had said once and to this day she couldn't tell if there was true reproach in his words.
Even with Podrick's reassurance, the whole situation was upsetting, especially because it was bothering her. She couldn't stop herself from being annoyed every time she thought about it, or when she saw the young lady trying to catch his eye or approaching him insistently. Podrick would always smile politely and shake his head. He also seemed to always be accompanied by two or three other people that could vouch for his whereabouts.
To be honest, it wasn't her own jealousy what upset her, it was being confronted by her own inability to behave in a more open, a more normal manner.
Despite all of her progress she knew that she was still too closed-off, too mistrusting and scared. Plus, it was unlike her to start acting more...freely. She honestly didn't think that she could have anything deeper with Podrick than what they already had. Anyway, she didn't know why she was worrying; at some point he would be called back to King's Landing and she would be back to where she was before he came north; stuck.
On the third night, she apologized and she left the room where a celebration was underway as soon as she saw a chance. She didn't go straight to her chambers; instead, she went to a room that had been set up as a solar for her and she soon found herself drinking wine as she made some progress on her next day's work. She was pacing across the room thinking about what words to use on a letter when there was a knock on her door, "yes?" and a moment later she saw Jacob opening the door with Podrick trailing behind.
"I was wondering if you could spare a moment, Ma'am. I have something important to discuss with you." he wondered what Jacob would make of his blush since he was right beside him and it would be impossible to miss it.
Sansa nodded nonchalant and Jacob let him in. Then Podrick close the door behind him. Snow didn't growl but he sat on his hind legs at the ready. Sansa fleetingly wondered if her guards would make anything of Podrick's visit.
On his part, Podrick wasn't entirely sure why he had gone to see her. He still didn't know what to make of that last kiss they'd shared so long ago; all he knew is that it was on her hands.
He feigned not minding the wolf as he walked past it before stopping at a prudent distance from her and when he realized she wouldn't fully face him, he spoke, "... I wanted to reassure you, Ma'am, that I only have eyes for you." He did have eyes and although the young lady was very comely, they couldn't stop searching for Her Grace. He couldn't stop thinking about her, dreaming about her; It was irksome but that was his reality.
His words shocked her and without thinking she found herself looking him in the eye, making sure he was being serious, "...I should hope so, that's half your job."
Podrick exhaled unamused by her answer, which was so like her, he also fleetingly wonder if Lord Harry had spoken to her about their little confrontation, "...You know that's not what I mean." he stated and since she didn't react, he felt compelled to continue, "You said once that I wasn't your Guard anymore."
"I did," Sansa replied remembering that that's when she told him about her handmaids saying that he was her favorite guard.
Podrick swallowed, "yet, you just said that that's half my job."
She was trapped by her own contradictory words and surely not for the first time. "I... I did."
"What am I, then?" he knew that she wouldn't like that game but instead of letting her cold gaze intimidate him, he came closer to take her softly by the elbow just to make a path with his hand down to her wrist and back again.
They saw Snow standing from the corner of their eyes.
Podrick came even closer and Sansa licked her lips as he lowered his face to kiss her. His hand was now softly holding her face.
Actually, he was surprised when she let him kiss her.
Everything else vanished, the only thing that existed was the feel of her soft lips meeting his and both their hearts beating in their chests. Some seconds later, Podrick dared move his lips on hers, massaging them as he had last time and just as before he felt her hesitant but he could tell that it wasn't due to indecision or apprehension but to being uncertain of what to do. And so at first their kiss lacked coordination until little by little she started to mimic his moves until it felt completely right.
His fingers caressed her cheek and chin, making her shudder. Sooner than expected he felt her breathless and he ended the kiss. When she opened her eyes he got lost in the blue with a smile, "I won't deny that I had started to wonder if we would ever stop kissing in total darkness." He said as his hands stroked along her hairline and his eyes traveled across her face, "I wanted to see the intensity in your eyes, your blush..." he smiled, "The face you'd make, the expression in your lovely eyes..."
Ironically, she didn't know how to reply to that, lost as she was in him, just like he was, or even more. She could only take notice of the affection in his eyes and of how attractive he looked to her at that moment, even with his silly smile. She wondered if her own face was mirroring all the emotions on his.
She looked at Snow to break the spell and she found him looking intently at them but he remained in his place. Podrick looked at the animal too and she took the chance to study his profile, her eyes felt heavy and the next thing she knew, she was grazing his sideburns with her thumb and her eyes were closing as she leaned in to kiss his cheek chastely, just like he had done to her; and she noticed how his skin was a bit scratchy because of the beard that was starting to grow.
Podrick took a deep breath letting her do as she wanted until she withdrew a little to look him in the eye. They stayed like that for a long moment. They knew that this was a mistake, that it should not be happening, but they did nothing to correct it. They were lost in a daze.
All of the sudden, her fingers were on his neck grabbing him and pulling him to her as she exhaled against his mouth and he was thrilled to firmly trap her lower lip with his. He followed her movements bringing her flush against him and briefly registering the bodice that made up her armor, and underneath it the curve of her chest, her lower abdomen, her thighs against his, and most importantly, he felt her stiffening, so he loosened his embrace though he put no space between them.
He reminded himself that he needed to be less reckless, less intense, and that he shouldn't touch her more than absolutely necessary, and when the broke apart they continued to stare at each other. After a moment, something crossed his mind and he smiled, "now, that was a kiss."
Sansa had no words to refute him so she cleared her throat while still holding him by the neck and basking in the heat that was surrounding her. A few moments later he started to withdraw but he seemed to think better of it and instead, he leaned in to place a final chaste kiss that she returned. "Let's not wait so long before doing this again." he requested boldly thinking he couldn't go another week without a kiss. He took a strand of her hair and he tangled it between his fingers before lowering his face and kissing it, honestly unable to say why he did that.
She was amused by that last gesture of his while she also felt pleased by his tenderness and she found herself smiling stupidly. She didn't reply, though, because much as she liked having him near and being the focus of his attentions, this feeling of yearning for a kiss wasn't an everyday occurrence. It was a feeling that seldom came over her and she acted on it even less. But she knew that the opposite was true for him, she would constantly catch him looking at her mouth or looking like he was about to kiss her and stopping as soon as he realized what he was doing... A part of her worried that someday he wouldn't be able to control himself and that she wouldn't be ready for it. She didn't know how she would react if that happened seeing as the reason why she felt secure in this what that she was calling the shots and he followed. "This is silly."
"What is?" Podrick asked as her words brought him back from being lost in her eyes.
"This whole... gazing into each other's eyes."
"Oh, yeah." he'd give her that, though he felt like grinning when, despite her words, her eyes kept searching for his, "did I already tell you I want to get lost in your eyes?"
"You tell me so many things, it's hard to keep track." She wanted to tell herself that those words were ridiculous, something he heard in a song or read on a book. And yet...his brown eyes were as deep as they were dark. The color of his eyes was unremarkable, especially in the north and yet, to her, they were extraordinary. "…and this is still silly," she added with a playful shove.
Podrick smiled and brought her closer to kiss her again. She returned the kiss enthusiastically if innocently.
She released him little by little when she realized that time was flying by and she didn't feel like stopping. Not that stopping felt possible because they kept whispering silly things before seeking each other's lips time and again.
Seeing her lips swollen from kissing made him smile widely and feel the need to kiss her more, even knowing that his mouth was probably in the same state and that it would look suspicious if he happened to run across someone after leaving this room.
And he didn't care. Nothing else mattered right then.
"No more, Podrick," she asked when she felt him pulling her closer to his body. He nodded and she did as well. As he separated from her, he didn't release her right away, instead, his hands made a path down her back and her sides as he stepped away and then he turned to leave.
Once he went past Snow, the wolf turned to him and he followed him out the door. She couldn't help but smile at the wolf's intent, "Snow, that's enough." She ordered as she walked toward him, sighing after he slumped on the ground, "What do you think you're doing?" she asked the animal who then turned his head to face her as though asking her the same thing. She went to sit on her desk, forgetting all about the letter that she had been trying to write before.
That wasn't the last event that arose during the visit; the next one came by chance the following morning when, without meaning to, she found herself alone with Lady Marna.
Sansa thanked her again for welcoming in her home and for the effort she had put into seeing she and her men were comfortable, the woman thanked her again politely and Sansa feeling bold gestured to the seat in front of her going to the point. "I'm sorry, My lady, but I've been wondering something; I don't know if you've heard of this and I don't want you to take it wrongly but... a rumor reached me recently about there being a slight chance that we might be related..."
Lady Marna was taken aback by Her Grace paying mind to that sort of rumors, "I heard those rumors as well when I was a child," she admitted though she didn't add how much that had hurt and marked her, "But my father was Lord Flint."
Sansa smiled politely, wanting to be tactful and stopping herself from asking if she was sure of it, "I didn't mean to offend you or your lady mother... I was just curious." She decided to leave it at that because; at the end of the day she got nothing by digging in the past.
Lady Marna's life was settled by then and the rumors and mockery she had endured as a child were a thing of the past. Though, it seemed that it didn't stop from speculating in the present. Maybe if she had been more ambitious in life she would have looked for a way to profit from the situation but she enjoyed her simple and comfortable life and she didn't want to get involved in politics involving that family, politics that would probably end up costing her her life, as it tended to happen in Westeros. "I'd appreciate it if you didn't discuss this with anyone else, Your Grace."
"Don't worry, my Lady," she tried to get on the woman's good side, "... You have a very beautiful daughter."
Lady Marna smiled shyly. A beauty that had given her more than one headache. "And a reckless one at that, My Queen, I know. Sometimes I'm appalled at her actions."
Sansa only gave her a false yet polite smile.
.
.
.
"Cat got your tongue, ma'am?" Podrick asked about a week after their encounter in Crofter's Village. In the days that followed, she had only talked to him when it was absolutely necessary and he was troubled by the fact that she didn't seem to want to have any sort of conversation. "Don't over-think things" He wasn't even sure what he meant.
"What do you make of all of this?"
He was surprised by the fact that she replied at all and he could tell that she expected a serious answer so he took a deep breath before speaking, "...I enjoy your company, obviously." she nodded in agreement and he went on, "I'm dazzled by you. You are the Queen, an admirable, gorgeous woman, and having you like me despite our obvious difference feels... dream-like."
His words pleased her and that made her uncomfortable but she decided to go with honesty too, "I care for you, Podrick... more than I have cared for any other man. But this thing between us... It leads nowhere. Not to a relationship or... intimately."
He felt that there was no need for her words, yet he blushed nonetheless, "I know, Ma'am... I know your character... and believe or not, knowing it steadies me, I hold on to it... knowing that... we won't go beyond kisses. Knowing that I won't break my oath to the King..." he said, though he wasn't as confident in those words as before, because he suspected that, if by a miracle she decided to give into all the feelings between them, he would willingly and gladly follow.
Sansa nodded, feeling emboldened to fix the slightly crooked badge on his chest that identified him as the Ambassador to the King, "So what's between us? A game?"
Podrick was still in the middle of appreciating the way she was taking care of him, even if she touched nothing but the badge, when she moved back, her eyes telling him not to take her words badly, "It's whatever you want it to be." He fixed a strand of her hair behind her ear after playing with it for a second and he was thrilled by her blush "as I said, don't over think it. Being near you is enough for me... having you look at me the way you do…" he stayed like that, staring at her lovely face and stroking his thumb on her cheek and chin as he got lost in her eyes. They could get close just not too close.
It wasn't the first time that she found herself basking in the tender way he had with her. She licked her lips and she swallowed but he didn't lean in to kiss her as she expected, "You know everything you have to say and do, don't you?" she asked on a whine and she could tell that he took her words as a compliment because he was smiling when his eyes met hers.
Her unromantic and unaffectionate personality served to remind him not to be too impulsive or passionate "I lured you into my trap, huh?" he joked as he stroked along her arm but he could tell she didn't appreciate his words, "And I gladly fell into yours..." he added hastily.
He recovered swiftly, what he just said was just one more thing to add to the pile
of worries she had. "All of this will bring us nothing but trouble unless we nip it in the bud."
He couldn't help to groan at that as he released her somewhat upset, feeling stuck once again. "Could you do that? Because I honestly don't have the will to end this. I've tried to, trust me." They had been doing this dance for about a year, one step forward and two backwards. He was truly screwed by the hope that they could be something and he no longer knew why she fought it; if it was for all the troubles that would come or if it was because of the scars those men had left her, and frankly, he was too scared to ask.
Sansa realized that all this indecision was starting to bore him so she made her way to the door. She felt him lagging behind and she turned to look at him regretfully over her shoulder and she found feeling a mix of hesitant and upset, "I know I've left this go too far."
"We both have. We're both to blame..." and it was him who should have known better, she didn't really have experience with the matters of the heart... though come to think of it, neither had he. He was starting to get annoyed by how besotted with her he was since, if he gave it some actual thought, she had never given him enough to warrant the magnitude of his feelings for her.
A/N:
To fangfaceandrea, thank you very much for your time, effort and dedication to translate this, I know it must not be easy. I wish I could say more, but there are not words to descrbe how thankful I am. Hugs.