It's not like he expected a grand send-off; maybe, if they hadn't been in the middle of the quarter meetings, he would have the chance to share a meal alone with her or something along those lines but his last night in Winterfell consisted of a small feast where some of the lords stopped by to thank him for his services to the Queen; they wished him good luck and reminded him that the doors of the North would always be open to him. Podrick smiled and thanked them for their words before retiring since the road ahead was long and they would be leaving at first light, the last thing he wanted was to have a hangover as his traveling companion.
He couldn't help but feel flustered when she joined him asking to have a word with him and thus leaving the Great Hall behind. As always, the direwolf escorted her along with some guards that she promptly dismissed when they reached the second floor to a room meant for more private visits; though no visit had been expected since the fireplace and the torches were off and what little light there was, moonlight and torch light from the first floor, was coming in through a big window.
"Leaving like that will earn you a lot of gossip." Gossip he wouldn't be here to help deny.
She knew that, she had felt the reproachful stares of some lords and ladies. Of her advisors when she bid them good night before following him. And she'd deal with it...or she'd leave it to her advisors. She'd think about it the next morning, "Would you rather I had stayed in the Great Hall?"
"No."
"Remind me, Podrick, did I ever thank you for rescuing me?"
That was something he was well aware she hadn't done, he had gotten a kiss, sure, but a simple 'Thanks' was not something that she had offered, not that he cared at this point. "No Ma'am, I don't think so."
"Thank you. I'll never be able to repay you for your services."
Podrick offered her a complicit grin for a few moments before she went to sit, not on an armchair but on a lounge chair, which he took as an invitation to walk over there and sit right next to her before taking her hand and intertwining their fingers together. They remained silent, their eyes mesmerized by the dancing lights that the fires below projected on the ceiling.
More than a source of kisses and caresses, Podrick had become the person she could talk to without putting up pretenses, someone who provided contact when she felt lonely and even though he alone couldn't vanish the feeling, his presence had made the past year more than enjoyable. She would feel his absence; there was no doubt about it.
"...I've never had this with a woman, before." It wasn't something to be proud of, "Not because I never wanted it or because I wasn't interested but because the chance never came up." He was about to explain more when she turned and in a swift move pressed her lips against his making him shudder when she started to softly rake her nails on his neck. Podrick enjoyed the sensation until he finally drew back an inch or so, "It was you, wasn't it?" he voiced his suspicions at last and he felt her hand halt, "...You wrote to your brother, right? To have him call me back to Kings Landing..."
Sansa sighed as she released him and sat straighter, apparently, he was cleverer than she thought, "Yes." Lying would make it worse. She had written long after it was prudent, seeing as how deep things had gotten between them. She had followed Lord Cromwell's advice and she had done so of her own volition.
He nodded and sat up straight while she avoided facing him, "...I understand, Ma'am."
Did he? She wondered seeing a lack of anger in his features yet she felt the need to explain herself, "I'm afraid that your presence in the North may become a threat to my rule. My advisors, and who knows who else, have started taking notice of our closeness..." she pressed her lips together and she stood, "Robb and Jon put their hearts before their duty... I don't plan on making the same mistake. I can't. It's best to stop things before they get out of hand..." because if he stayed, her feelings would only grow stronger, their encounters would keep intensifying and she couldn't allow it. "I'm sorry."
Wasn't too late already? It was, for him at least. Podrick mulled over her words and he nodded as his eyes followed her to the window, "Reason over heart."
He had learned to know her over that year and a half; Sansa's gaze got lost out on the yard, "What I have allowed to happen between us has become a personal problem for me... I took that first step thinking you would leave Winterfell in weeks. But it's been a year and thing between us keep escalating... and I can no longer do as you ask and not over think it. It's all I can think of. You more than anyone else know how much I like your company but having peace of mind is something I'd prefer."
He remarked on how ironic it was that her words were so eloquent, "I know, Ma'am... I just... I would have like you to say something. I wouldn't have tried to change your mind," he swallowed, "...I know you have more to lose from this. I came into this knowing about your fears. I also knew your character beforehand, so I'm not surprised by your actions."
A part of her was surprised that he wasn't more upset about her going behind his back like she would have expected. "You'd be set to lose, too," she sighed, "and for what? Some passing fancy?"
Was it just a passing fancy? He didn't want to think about it like that and much less ask her that. It was better to let things be. After a while of studying her pensively look out the window, he decided to speak, "The reason why I'm not fighting against this is that I don't have a future here in the North. To stay would mean interfering with your life and you will marry at some point so I don't see the point in staying to be set aside in the future. That would make me miserable."
When she turned to look at him she did him the courtesy of holding his gaze. She studied him calmly for a long time before she took a deep breath and turned back to the window as she let out a breath. She understood quite well and she knew he spoke the truth.
If only Podrick hadn't made the Kingsguard's oath, if only he was a Lord, even a minor one with lands and some amount of power... she would risk facing her subjects and Lords if he wanted her to, if he wanted to stay in the North and completely change his life.But even the idea seemed absurd, just a fleeting illusion, a senseless fancy she would come to regret.
Even if she wanted to, he would never be on her level or the North's and the thought that had been haunting her for days came back with a vengeance; why would he drop everything for her when she wasn't willing to do the same for him? She also knew it was lowly of her to ruminate on his humble origins after all he had given her. "For a while I thought this was some fancy, a whim..." she let him know it, "it's just an easier word to call these feelings." It was only as the words left her mouth that she admitted it to herself.
He knew that this was as close as she'd ever be of admitting that she loved him. In the past five months he had assumed she did because of how caring she had started to behave towards him. He stood then, and he went to her even as he dreaded that she would stop him, but instead, she granted him silent permission when she closed the window enough to ensure they wouldn't be seen from the outside. He embraced her from behind, his arms wrapped around her waist and his chin on her shoulder. "Is it harder to admit now that we're saying goodbye?" he whispered. This was the first and last time he would hold her like this, and she even went as far as holding his arms with her own.
"...I'm not good with sentimentality." or at least, she no longer was.
"...Hmmm, which makes it seem like I'm too sentimental."
Sansa smiled with him. He lowered his face to her neck and it gave her chills; then, she slowly turned in his arms after shutting the window completely.
"What reasons did you give your brother when you asked him to call me back?"
"...None. I spoke highly of you as a Guard and Ambassador but I admitted that my request was due to personal reasons, nothing else... if he wants explanations, he can always look into what happened. It's not like he needs my permission."
That was a skill only a small number of people knew about and one that was very seldom discussed. "Has he done that with you before?" Podrick hadn't broken his oath but he had gotten involved with the King's sister when he had been sent to look after her, he could imagine that his manner of looking after her would have consequences for him... But then, the King's words on the letter he had sent conveyed no ill will to him.
"Yes." She admitted, "...But it's not something you notice unless he mentions it."
He inhaled deeply, "It's going to be an awkward reunion between me and your brother, Ma'am."
"Your intentions have always been good, Ser Podrick. You've done nothing I haven't permitted of asked for. Because all of this started with me seeking you out. Besides, nothing immoral happened between us, he has nothing to reproach." Nor would he be interested to, but she didn't want to say that.
"I hope so, Ma'am."
She held his gaze shortly before hugging him to her and relaxing in his embrace.
Podrick had to close his eyes to bask in her presence. They stayed that way for longer than usual. Podrick didn't dare to even stroke her back for fear of breaking the moment and the embrace. He only took a deep breath and he felt his chest push against hers. It would be so nice to just rest with her like this.
As time went by, they slowly grew more aware that they could be found like that, "We should look for another place to stay before we fall asleep. Somewhere more private... where we can't be found so easily."
"What?" she lifted her head from his shoulder.
Podrick smiled, he knew he would alarm her, "This last night, or what's left of it… I'd like to spend it with you without fear of being found."
Being with him and at such late hours would be deemed indecent, as it was, she was acutely aware of that. Her maids would be waiting for her by now. Lady Rose and her guards would be alarmed if they came to her chambers and she wasn't there or at the Great Hall or in any of the other halls of the keep. She put a little space between them, "I have a soft spot for you, Ser Podrick, but don't be mistaken; it's not so soft as to tempt me."
He was left wondering if she meant to tease him with those words but he could see in her eyes that she was actually considering his request. He released her waist in favor of taking her hands in his, "Just say yes..." he heard himself asking seriously as he looked her in the eye.
The only reason why she was even considering such a thing was that she knew that nothing improper would happen. Besides, it wouldn't be the first night they spent together, considering the nights after her attack. But the only way of getting away with it would be with Lady Rose covering for her somehow, and somehow she knew the girl would object to it, even more so if she heard her reasons. She could count on her guards, that was the most feasible course of action, but they would silently judge her from then on, "I'm afraid I'm not free enough to act..."
Podrick knew that was coming and he nodded sadly. He couldn't ask her to set her honor aside to spend a few hours with him because it would mean besmirching her honor even if he didn't get to touch a hair on her head.
She still couldn't believe she was faced with this kind of decisions; what he was asking for was something she wanted as well, she couldn't fathom saying goodbye right then and have that be the end of them. Before she managed to lose her courage she stood, "Let me see what I can do." She heard herself say with some hesitation. She gave Podrick a second to reconsider his request but he didn't so she went on to tell him where to wait for her, what to do and, most importantly, that she could take a while before joining him.
Podrick agreed and left the room feeling curious about her words but following her instructions as well as he could and a bit worried that he had missed something. When he opened a door that led into a bedroom he was certain that he had made a mistake somewhere, he had made a wrong turn on one of those empty hallways so he retraced his steps and started again only to end up in the same place. This time he took a deep breath as he entered, he could feel himself blushing and an excited pressure on his lower abdomen.
He tried to pay no mind to the bed as he went to set a fire before looking for the bookcase she had mentioned and then he managed to move it to the left after several attempts to reveal a secret passage in front of him. He regarded the darkness inside, noticing the seemingly unending trail of spider webs. It wasn't unusual that a castle had this type of hidden passages. It was unusual when they didn't. He could imagine her as a child running along them with her siblings... Maybe trying to escape through one during her time with Ramsay... but no, he remembered that she was kept under lock and key and surely not in a room like this one and... it was better not to think about that.
He went to sit on the chaise that was in front of the fireplace. The room was a large one and he thought that it had to be near the family chambers. It was also clean and tended to; it probably had been readied to host a guest that didn't make it to this quarter's meeting.
Feeling less that resolute, Sansa made her way to her chamber and as expected, her guards were waiting for here there, she greeted them as she passed them to enter her room where Lady Rose and other two handmaids were waiting for her as well. In her state of uncertainty, time both flew and stilled; she only broke out of her stupor when the two handmaidens said goodbye for the night. By then, she was already wearing her nightgown and her hair was loose. "I wish to be alone, Lady Rose" and when the lady was about to refuse she spoke first, "This isn't a negotiation. Please go get some rest now." The young woman normally slept in the antechamber to her room but whenever Sansa wished for some privacy or when she was not in a good mood, the girl would spend the night in an adjacent room.
After finding herself alone once more, Sansa stayed still for some time, thinking thoroughly about her next steps, about going forth with her plans. Snow had already taken his place on the floor guarding her door.
She slowly made her way to her closet to look for a dress that she promptly put on, then, it took her a second to decide what to do with her hair and whether to wear a corset but she decided against it, choosing instead to don a heavy coat and a cloak to cover her head. Finally, she went back to the closet and she moved it just as Robb had shown her several times when they were little. She looked behind to see Snow attuned to her movements. The piece of furniture moving sounded too loud to her ears but it wasn't likely that the guards heard it because they didn't knock to ask if everything was alright.
Podrick had lain on the sofa to wait for her and just when he was started to give into sleep he heard steps approaching that had him sitting up and looking into the tunnel to see a candle light growing larger with each step and the shadow of the direwolf stepping in front of it. He quickly stood and approached the door to wait for her there. He frowned in surprise when he saw the plate of food that she was holding, before taking it from her and moving to put it on a table as he asked her if she felt fine. When he turned back to her, she was taking of the cloak that was now covered in spiderwebs.
"Nothing will happen, Podrick." she warned him as she looked at the bed trying to fight off a blush. She left the cloak on a chair that was in a corner, no sense in dusting off the webs when it was bound to get dirty again once she went back to her room.
Podrick knew nothing was going to happen but he couldn't help but feel thrilled at the prospect. He briefly wondered where else that passageway led to but that wasn't important.
Snow was already making itself comfortable by the door.
Podrick was uncertain as to how to proceed since dealing with her was nothing like his past conquests. So he pointed to the plate, "Thanks for the food."
Sansa blushed again; bringing that plate was only an excuse she made for herself, a silly thing that felt embarrassing at present. She busied herself by taking the coat to shake off any insects that may have crawled inside it and when she was sure it was clean, she put it back on to then move towards the sofa where Podrick joined her a few seconds later before taking her hand in his; they stayed that way for a long time.
After Lord Bolton, she never imagined that she could feel comfortable with a man, not like this, not the way she felt with Podrick. There had been Jon, Lord Royce and other respectable men she trusted but none ever got as close as Podrick. And what Podrick made her feel was definitively different. Even if she had told Lord Cromwell, Podrick and herself the opposite, maybe her feelings were the stuff of those songs and stories that she thought were past her. Truthfully, she normally tried not to give much thought to it or her feelings, or the stolen moments between them... but in the last few days she caught herself being unable to put it off her mind.
"In Barrow Hall, when I told you that you would have me eating from your palm I wasn't lying, but I didn't know how attached I would become." Podrick stated without knowing that she was thinking something along the same lines. He felt her eyes on him but his remained fixed on the flames, "Now, looking back, I feel that we lost too much time." he admitted, "I would have like to take a walk outside the castle with you, or race you on horse, maybe even dance together, get lost in your eyes more often. Kiss you more. Touch you more..."
To her, more kisses and caresses sounded counterproductive at the moment, "...I barely had any free time dealing with all of the North's issues, Podrick." she evaded.
That wasn't a lie but it sounded disingenuous, "Would you have refused?" he straightened to looked her in the eyes as he asked.
"...To some of those things."
"Such as?" he inquired with interest.
"You'd win in a horse race. If you sang to me... I'd hope there was an audience since it would be awkward in private... although, no, I think it would be worse in public... Dancing together… And leaving the castle on our own would have been ill-advised."
"You wouldn't have danced with me? But I saw you dancing with dozens of men during our visits to the northern keeps."
Sansa grinned at his veiled accusation, "Just because I dance with them doesn't mean I enjoy it."
"Maybe you would have enjoyed dancing with me." He said in his most seductive tone, which worked because she bit her lip as she lowered her eyes in response, an image that provoked something in him that made him realize it was better to look elsewhere, "Not that I'm a very good dancer, I'm afraid."
She looked his way and found his cheeks had reddened, "If you're ever back in Winterfell, I'll invite you on an outing; there are some beautiful places not too far from here."
Empty words, Podrick knew he wouldn't set a foot North of the neck in his life, and she must have known it too, "I'll keep that in mind, Ma'am. And I'll extend that invitation for whenever you travel south and we see each other again."
Sansa nodded, considering that it was a possibility if an unlikely one, "I'll hold you to it."
"What about me singing? ...My voice is not too bad."
She knew it wasn't. She could recall hearing him singing a few times but she had never paid particular attention to him. Nor had she paid him a compliment on his talent. Her hand closed on his arm, "...too romantic."
No, she didn't seem to enjoy romance, "Who knows, maybe I'll start singing now and Snow ends up in love with me tonight."
Sansa smiled at the image he evoked before her mind went to the infamous whores that were charmed by his voice and her smile fell, she almost said that he was confusing Snow with his prostitutes but she managed to refrain from it, "...he doesn't seem as angry at you as before, have you noticed that?"
He nodded, "...I think he senses I'm leaving and he's happy about it." A feeling the wolf shared with Lord Harry, he suspected.She returned his smile.
Neither had though that there would be so much silence between them with everything they still had to discuss. But that's how they stayed for a long stretch, in silence.
"...I see nothing wrong with some romance..."
Sansa took a deep breath, "...maybe that's because you've experienced it enough to feel comfortable with it."
That was right, Podrick took her hand and brought it to his lips to kiss it before letting go and going to sit in front of her on the table that separated them from the fireplace, "I'll sing to you." he warned he and he waited a beat for her to stop him and remind him that someone could hear but she never did.
He wished they had some wine with them as he cleared his throat before starting to sing. And that's what he did, he sang one of the many songs he knew and he closed his eyes in concentration, only blushing when he was a few verses in, as he became aware that he had her undivided attention. He knew that if he opened his eyes he would find her eyes staring back with that familiar look of interest and warmth of hers, so he kept focusing on the song as he pretended that he was singing for acquaintances but in reality he grew more and more overwhelmed and breathless.
As she watched and listened to him, Sansa felt her chest swelling; his voice was wonderful on its own but the experience was only more intense because of her feelings for him and how attracted to him she was. He kept growing more and more attractive to her. But she decided not to focus on that as she leaned her head on the back of the sofa while she listened to the lyrics and even half whispered, half sang along the ones she knew.
When the end was near she set her eyes on him again.
He opened his eyes and there it was, that look... he was going to miss that look. Without missing a beat he sat next to her again and she straightened up thinking that he would kiss her but he spoke instead, "You thrill me, ma'am." he said finding himself breathless. She only kept her eyes fixed on his. He wanted to kiss her like there was no tomorrow but he chose to start another song instead and held her hand throughout it.
It was so foolish of her to fall for this display of romance, but she chose to let herself; it was their last night together and she could allow herself some transgressions.
The passionate kiss that followed his last verse came as no surprise.
The next thing he knew was that he was kneeling on the sofa, leaning over her while she grabbed onto his scalp entangling her fingers in his hair as she held his head to press his face against hers and the desperation in her kiss took him aback. The uncoordinated lips and her trepidation from the beginning of their story were a thing of the past; she was kissing him back with a vengeance. He felt her drawing back after a few seconds but he cradled her face in his hands as he chased her mouth to prolong the kiss and when he sensed she was breathless and she tried to separate her face from his, he bit her lower lip pulling it to him, which elicited a moan from the depth of her being that sounded like music to his ears.
As they regained their breaths while firmly holding onto each other, they turned to look at Snow who seemed uncharacteristically unbothered by the situation.
Podrick had to grin to himself as he had the silly thought, Who is top dog now? And then he looked back at her, "Was that... too much... Ma'am?"
"Yes." she breathed out honestly. He kept looking at her expectantly while still panting as though air wasn't quite reaching his lungs, he was entirely flushed and his eyes kept darting to her mouth but it only took him looking back into her eyes to meet her halfway in an intense kiss and to start trying to find a better way to fit together.
He was only too aware that if he leaned on her just a tad, and if she let him, he would end up lying on top of her. But he didn't push his luck since this was already too enjoyable.
In the months to come he would remember these past few hours with longing and he would recall being so happy with her like that, "Will you miss me? Even just a little bit?" he asked staring at her gloveless hand. She had made a point of getting rid of her gloves since the start of this to be able to touch him, to feel his skin with hers.
Sansa had no intention of hiding anything from him right then, "I've gotten used to your friendship."
Lost in her blue eyes and her dazed stare, Podrick smiled on with mocked frustration as he brought his hand to her face to trace her eyebrow, "Is that what you call this? A friendship?"
"Yes. Your touch," she said as she pointedly brought her fingertips to the hand caressing her face, "and your kiss," she turned her face to plant a kiss on the palm of his hand, "are only the perks of this friendship." Unbeknownst to her, she had been starved for contact, for touch, for something as simple as a hand on her wrist or her arm... Being with him like this was like going to the past, to a place where she had felt safe with the people who protected her and loved her unconditionally... "I'll miss you. Your presence... all of you."
"I'll miss you too."
She'd go back to being alone and a part of her liked the idea; she'd just have to get used to the loneliness again just as she had gotten used to his company.
"Can I write to you... " he hesitated for a second, almost losing his courage, "...Sansa?"
The heat that flushed her cheeks after hearing her name in his lips was immediate, "Please do." She could read the mix of uncertainty and curiosity in his eyes so she smiled as she touched his cheek, "It's fine."
Podrick nodded still felling embarrassed for daring to call her by her name without her permission, "...Since this is our last night, I saw no reason not to take the liberty... at least for what's left of the night."
Sansa nodded along until the meaning of his words sank, "What's left of the night?" What time was it? she wondered. Her eyes immediately darted to a clock only to find that they had been locked away together for a long time, time had gone by so quickly.
"I must be doing something right if I made you lose track of time."
"...This isn't like me, Podrick." she objected, embarrassed by what he could be thinking of her.
His hand went to her waist of its own volition only to find her bereft of any kind of corset; it surprised him and her, he noticed, since the touch startled her, this time she could really feel him, "...I know. That's why it means so much to me."
She wasn't a prize to him. Suddenly; feeling the need for some space, she stood up and she made her way to the table with the food though she wasn't hungry, she just needed to take a moment. But she didn't get that moment because the next thing she knew, Podrick was loosely wrapping one arm around her shoulders as he came from behind and she had no time to react before he reached out for the dessert, some sweetened grapes, which he ate while he was surely wondering what else to take from the plate. She was left staring at him until he turned and smiled at her. She moved to go back to the sofa but he placed a hand on her waist to stop her.
"Aren't you having something, Ma'am?"
"I don't feel like eating."
"Ah..." and that's where he saw his chance, "and do you feel like dancing? ...Since we're already standing."
She raised an eyebrow? "With no music?"
"Yes, I know it sounds silly, Ma'-"
"Call me by my name." What was silly was that after everything they had shared he hadn't been allowed to call her by her name.
"…Sansa…" he whispered wondering if she could sense how momentous this was for someone like him. But seeing her smiling brightly after he said her name he knew that she understood what it meant. "Sansa." He repeated and he was amazed by how the sound was foreign to his ears.
They smiled at each other as they closed the distance in a kiss, Sansa briefly registered the sweetness of the fruit that she could still taste in his lips. Kissing him like this, unrushed and without worry was nice, she really liked this. She felt a smile tugging at her lips before she drew away from him. He kissed her shoulder before setting his chin atop it and she mirrored the gesture.
Entangled like that, soon they began to sway just a little bit, why this elation when she was also saddened by his departure? Moments later, she felt him pressing closer to her neck and starting to kiss it languidly. She didn't think she would ever get used to this sensation.
Flustered as she was, she opted for asking, "So, do you see tonight as your last chance to seduce me?" She wanted to seem less intimidated by the setting and by what he could have been thinking of.
Sometimes she managed to surprise him with her bluntness since she was usually so closed-off. Had she been any other woman, he would have asked whether that was what she wanted or an invitation, instead, Podrick sighed, "I know that's not what you want...But is that what you think of me?"
She shook her head and then she faced him, "If I did, I wouldn't be here with you like this." Her own dreams and fantasies were far too removed from her intentions.
"I know," he replied seriously and then he offered a smirk, "and you're talking about my last chance as though I even had a first one."
She still wanted to seem like this conversation wasn't making her uncomfortable but it did, even joking about it did. "…I used to think that you used your reputation as a way to tempt women."
Podrick released her somewhat, making it clear that his intention wasn't to intimidate her, "No. And you're not like other women." He took a deep breath as his hands made a path from her neck all the way down to her lower back that along with making her shiver and blush, made her aware of her lack of corset again, "although...aren't you even a little bit curious?"
She wanted to run away from this conversation, from the temptation she was feeling and at the same time she wanted to erase the self-satisfied smirk form his face, "I've enjoyed our encounters but not so much to be that curious." she used his shoulder to push him off and then she went to the couch acting unbothered. She heard him following but he didn't sit with her right away.
He made sure to have her attention before he made a point of sitting next to her, "We have a couple of hours to work on that, Ma'- Sansa." he said unabashedly and playfully.
She told herself that he was teasing her but she knew that given the chance, he would take everything she had to offer. However, he had been right before, she didn't want it. She could play with the idea in her mind but now that the very possibility had materialized she felt anxious and scared. "I'm sorry I brought this up." she admitted, "But that won't happen." she looked into his eyes seriously and apologetically.
"...Once again, Ma'am, I know.It wouldn't be like you." But most importantly, he knew she wasn't ready.
Sansa mulled it over for another instant; she knew she should leave it at that but she wanted her suspicions confirmed, "Still, …If I were to give you the chance...would you take it?"
The way she was looking at him, he knew he couldn't dismiss the question, "...I'm no saint and I'm crazy about you."Two things that they were acutely aware of. He swallowed, "and if you gave me the chance, with absolute certainty of what you wanted, I would like to try and please you..." and if anyone deserved that kind of pleasure it was her.He saw the blush creep up her face so he immediately tried to act like this conversation wasn't tantalizing at all, "and we should better talk of something else because nothing good will come of this conversation."
Sansa was left at a loss for words. They fell silent again, both looking up at the ceiling, lost in thought, "Would you break the oath you made to my brother?" she hear herself asking, her voice barely audible.
That was something that didn't take much thinking at this point, "For the right woman, yes."
"Am I that woman?"
"Is that so hard to believe?" he asked a bit bewildered.
It surprised her; not him breaking his oaths but the fact that he would do it for her when there were so many women who were happy and normal, who... "I know I'm not the easiest woman to get along with..."
"With me, you are. And to me you're and extraordinary woman. The only one I've cared for." he decided to finally admit to his feelings. What harm would it do? Leaning on the back of the couch, he turned to look at her as she stared at the ceiling just like he had been doing.
Hearing him speak his feelings was joyful but it also felt like a dagger to the heart. She turned to look back at him and they stayed with their eyes fixed on each other for a long time. Sansa realized that for Podrick, it was much more than just caring for her; something told her that he loved her and she found herself unable to mirror his sentiments because she honestly didn't know how to. She didn't love him, she cared for him, sometimes she even adored him but she didn't love him, and her inability to return his feelings was what felt like a stab in the heart. She was still damaged and she had caused it by closing-off her heart. If she kept running the same thought over and over in her mind she would ruin her mood, so the best course of action was to put an end to these thoughts and conversation.
She wanted to deny what was in front of her and so she tried telling herself that the intensity of Podrick's feeling was due to how impossible a relationship between them was; she was unattainable, especially when it came to intimacy, which was what kept him interested. She closed her eyes against her feelings of unease and it was her who sought his hand to intertwine her fingers with his despite knowing that the gesture was an empty one compared to his admission.
It became obvious that he wouldn't get a reply from her and that she wanted to avoid the subject, "what do you think Ser Brienne would say if she found out about us?" Podrick asked.
She hummed, "She has you in quite high esteem, I can only assume she'll give you a tongue-lash, maybe scold you, and as for me... she'd say I should know better, perhaps?"
"She would definitely have a few choice words for me and as for scolding me? She would use sparring to really let me know what she thinks."
Sansa nodded, "Lord Tyrion?"
A smile tugged at his mouth, "I don't know," he said honestly, "I'm not sure if he'd make a joke or if he would feel betrayed..." he'd definitely take this differently than if it was Podrick Payne with any other conquest.
She could imagine him making a sarcastic remark to her, "...He could choose to believe that this started back in Kings Landing when we were young."
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Podrick knew that he should get some rest if he wanted to have something akin to a nice trip south in the coming weeks but this was a matter of resting or being with her. So he would sleep once he got on the boat. His eyes turned to her looking sleepy and he took the chance to study her lovely face.
This was the longest time he had gotten the chance to study her and he wanted to memorize it all. Why hadn't he been born with a talent for drawing instead of signing? A few minutes later she opened her eyes and he gave her a once over, "Go lie on the bed. I'll look after you."
She took a deep breath, "...Maybe it's time we go to our rooms."
"Don't say that." He said, "I want to be with you until the last minute." he dared propose.
Trying to shake the drowsiness away, Sansa straightened up on the sofa and made a shrugging motion as she fought the urge to look at the bed behind her, but the thought was compelling.
He observed her trying to fix her eyes on the fireplace to avoid his eyes, "Let's go to bed," he whispered adding quickly, "I promise I won't touch you if you don't want me to." he could see the vacillation in her eyes as he spoke.
But did she want him to? ...If she wasn't sure of wanting it with him, she could be certain that she wouldn't want it with anyone else, "What if I never want it with anyone?"
She would never know it unless she took those firsts steps, but that wasn't his reply, "Then the man in question should understand it and accept it." he could see that she was weighing his answer, she was in a position of power where she could make sure that the man wouldn't cross a line; and as for tonight, Podrick had no illusions about the meaning of Snow's presence there.
She didn't think that any man in question would understand or accept that, not even Podrick; he was speaking from his heart and because he cared about her but in the future, when she would marry another man... This was not the time to think of those things.
Podrick breathed in, "What I'm about to say is not an attempt at seduction, it's advice. You won't know if you'll want to, if you desire it or if you're ready until you start taking those first steps." He swallowed, "and I don't mean with me but...in the future."
She pondered those uncomfortable words with tightness in her chest and a knot in her throat. That was how it started between them, wasn't it? She had wanted to even if she hadn't felt comfortable or ready back then, and by now, kissing him was completely normal.
Podrick avoided looking into her eyes, "I have heard that for most women there's always some anxiety and fear at first." And that a man's work was to get them to feel comfortable. "It's not about feeling comfortable but about wanting to be with that other person in spite of it..."
Now he was advising her on how she should feel? "You're not a woman. I doubt you know how it feels." And why should she bring up that it wasn't her first time?
He could tell that that while she didn't appreciate being told about the matters of her own gender, she wasn't as aggravated as he had feared. "I just want to help you with... your mindset."
"...I suppose you do know what you're talking about, don't you?" she opted to turn the tables on him and it made him blush, which served to amuse her.
"Somewhat."
"Hmmm, yes, somewhat."
Podrick couldn't help but offer her an awkward smile, "...In any case...what I said is true..."
"And who told you that? All the women you've seduced?"
Well yes, but most had come from the prostitutes that Lord Tyrion had procured for him, not that there was a reason for him to let her know that, "Yes. ...And man-talk."
Well, she for once, would like to hear some woman-talk of that kind, was the surprising and shocking thought that crossed her mind. "...Nothing will happen between you and me," she warned; her voice and body shaky, before standing, taking off her coat and making her way to sit on the bed.
Now it was her who was avoiding his eyes, "The way I see it... What was going to happen between us already has." he said honestly, "I'll stay in this sofa, if you prefer or we'll go our separate ways now if that's what you wish."
"No. I want to stay with you." she admitted. For a moment, she stalled by fluffing the pillows and arranging the furs under her, knowing that she was about to reveal more even if that's the last thing she wanted. "... Regrettably, I'm not ready for more." she whispered; it was because of her past, yes, and also because of the simple fact that she wouldn't be dishonored outside of a marriage. It just wasn't like her even with how much she had changed already. It wasn't like her even after all the other dishonorable things that she had done to remain Queen.
When she finally lay down with trepidation, Podrick wasn't sure if she expected her to join her in bed.
And Sansa was wandering what was it that he was waiting for when she saw him moving at last. He approached from the other side of the bed and she wasn't able to hold his gaze, suddenly wishing to have wine to calm her nerves.
Podrick was careful as he lay down before turning on his side to face her. He too felt nervous and uneasy. He should have better stayed silent and they would still be sitting peacefully on the sofa.
The tension was broken by the direwolf who decided to stand and make his way to lay by the side of the bed, right next to Sansa.
Podrick had to smile at the wolf's antics, "you have quite a guard... I think you should bring him along every time you leave Winterfell."
"I will." Snow wouldn't leave her side again.Sansa closed her eyes wishing the nervousness away and knowing that sleep wouldn't come back to her, her senses were too heightened and still, she pretended to rest despite the feeling in her chest that she was doing something wrong. In her mind too. The only reason why she didn't stand and leave was that he was letting her make the first move, "This is so strange for me..." she eventually said as she observed him with his eyes closed and looking more comfortable than her, he wasn't even blushing.
Podrick opened his eyes to fix them on her before breathing in, "I know."
It was a plain acknowledgment.He gestured to her hand to convey that he was about to take it in his and after a second of consideration she let him. But Podrick didn't take it in his, what he did was turn it over on the bed palm facing up and the he started stroking it softly with the tips of his fingers. After a few minutes, he moved to her fingers, always keeping his strokes soft, and although the caress did not succeed in making her sleepy, it did go a long way to calm her down.
Podrick spoke once she felt her starting to relax, "You're freezing."
"It's the nerves," she confessed, her eyes still shut as she focused on the sensations he was eliciting. Her mind protested when he stopped and got out of bed so she kept steady eyes on him as he went to pick her coat from the sofa, remarking on how attentive he was as he covered her with it. Sometimes she wondered if his gallantry was only the result of his interest in her.
Once more, Podrick's hand sought hers and this time they both were actively caressing each other's palms, "I like that you don't fear me."
And she didn't, but that didn't stop a voice deep inside to cast doubts on his intentions. She still wondered what the worst possible outcome of being like this together could be. That's why Snow was there; she could have left him in her room but she decided on bringing him along... and it wasn't like the direwolf wouldn't be following her through the tunnel anyway. His presence served to further provide with her a sense of ease since she knew Podrick wouldn't act in a vile manner.
She was getting used to his caress when he turned sideways and he shuffled down a bit to bring her hand to his mouth to chastely kiss every finger. Sansa spoke once she felt that he had lavished each finger twice, "This is the first time I've laid with a man out my own free will..." sure, she was dressed and they were doing nothing, but it still meant something.
She paused and Podrick nodded before kissing her hand one last time and placing it back on the bed. He moved back to face her, making sure to leave enough space and avoid touching her, "I assumed so, Ma'am." Podrick knew, or at least he suspected that she wasn't eager to talk about her hardships and so he hadn't asked questions before and he wasn't about to, "That's why it means so much that you trust me this way..."
Sansa had so many thoughts about all of this, about his agreeable nature, the way he knew to say what she needed to hear, "were you like this with the girls you courted before? ...Did you impress them with your gallantry?"
Gallantry and gentleness pleased most women so yes, "The girls I courted before weren't you." and before, it was only games.
"So you're saying you're going out of your way for me?"
"No... I'm not going out of my way..." a thousand words came to his mind then, "I wasn't at first." he licked his lips, "everything happened without me realizing, it was surprising that you even looked at me and then..."
She could see as he got lost in memories and it made her curious as to his reasoning, "And then?..."
He looked her in the eye and he shook his head before he came back to himself to try and put all his feelings together; "…in not so many words you... showed me your ermm... damage, and so I decided to leave it all in your hands; out of respect and esteem for you, and yet, with every passing day I realized that... if I wanted to win you over, I would have to make an effort to make you take notice of me. You're a Queen, after all. You've always been one, even when you didn't have a crown." Podrick was aware that he was close to revealing something he shouldn't, something she was bound to dislike, but at this point, what was the harm? "Your reluctance kept me in suspense but at the same time I enjoyed it... It was fun just being with you, following you around. The jokes between us. Our talks." He looked back at her seeing how much attention she was paying to his words, "as this interest for each other grew I understood that I had to go the extra mile to stand out among your suitors. And I had to do it with my wit, with shows of affection and other gestures since I could never compete with the presents they could give you." during their outings, he had seen her receive expensive wines, exotic fruits, furs, jewels and Lord Erron himself had shown up with a beautiful, imposing mare as a present for her, a mare that still inhabited the stables even after things between them had fallen apart. He rushed on when he saw her widening her eyes, "but this doesn't mean that out conversations, the small things between us were lies. I don't know if I'm explaining it right. My shows of affection are real, they're not a game. In case you were wondering."
She wasn't, she was only going over about everything she might have overlooked. She had considered the distance in their social standing but apparently, he had been more focused on it than her. To Sansa those gifts meant nothing —well, except for that chest of fabrics from Essos that Lord Hasher gave her once. Why aren't you happy? what do you want that you don't already have?— she shook that thought away, "You've had no competition."
He let out an amused sigh from the way she said that, "I know..." he thought that she seemed embarrassed. "I don't mean to make myself look good but I think trying to please by being gentle is second nature to me. I don't know. I just think that I gave you the time you needed. The friendship and affection, too."
Somewhere in the recesses of her mind, she wondered if he had planned it all to make her fall into his trap, like he had once said, like he had practically just admitted to have done. Carefully and slowly, she rose above him as she moved to put her hand on his chest —hesitating as to where on his chest— before leaning down to kiss him softly as he closed his eyes. Only one chaste kiss. She pulled away but she stayed looking down at him and when he opened his eyes her heart raced in anticipation to what she was about to tell him, and knowing that the truth was that they only had a few minutes left, "I wish you hadn't made any oaths to Bran." she saw the surprise in his eyes and felt his heart desperately thumping under her hand, "...That would have made my life easier from here on."
The implications were unmistakable, "I also wish I hadn't... but then, I wouldn't be here." He saw her nodding as he took a deep breath, "Besides, that wouldn't erase the fact that I'm from a minor house that doesn't even back me and that I have nothing to be considered worthy of you." It was only at that moment that he really considered that, that he went beyond his fantasies and realized the truth; given the choice, being married to a Queen wasn't meant for him, it wasn't something that would fulfill him as a person. Even if she was the Queen in question.
Their lives were absolutely different. He was from the south, in time, the North and its weather would overwhelm him. He had taken this job as just that; a job, an easy one at that, and he hadn't felt overwhelmed because he was infatuated by her, and at the end of the day he was certain he would go back to the south; to its bright sun, its green plains, its placid weather... and the words he had just uttered felt more like pleasantries. But before she had any time to read any of his uncertainties on his face, he lifted his head to reach her lips with his.
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"Don't be afraid, I just want to hold you." He said when he felt her tense up as he put his hand on her waist. By then and after all the brief and varied conversations they had had, the short and careful kisses they had shared led him to believe that some of her apprehension and fears were gone.
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Sansa wasn't saying anything but she noticed how with every kiss— each one longer and less chaste than the one before— their bodies kept getting closer even if neither seemed to be moving at all. His arm, rather than his hand, rested on her waist as he stroked along her back; the caress made her shiver and since she wasn't wearing a corset or armor she was able to feel his touch even closer than all the times before. "I have a question that may sound a bit naive... but as you said, you're the sentimental one..." she was amused by the way in which he raised his eyebrows, "Do you believe that love is a fairy tale? Only the pretty words to make songs?"
The question surprised him, "Yes," he answered without hesitation, no romance in the acknowledgement, "I think those are exaggerations, unreal and idealized love stories. Have you ever met someone who has loved like that?"
No. Not even her parents.
"You see? neither have I." He licked his lips, "If someone experiences such a thing, they're likely to end up with a broken heart." Podrick reflected that he was leaving the North in a state of disappointment but not with a broken heart.
"And as far as I know a broken heart has never killed anyone." Sansa stated without giving it much thought and Podrick frowned, suddenly the image of Brienne abandoned by the bastard of Jaime Lannister came to them. Back then, they had stood witness as she went back to her duties without a word about it, as though nothing had happened but they both had an inkling of the pain she was going through. And a child had come from that relationship. A child that Sansa and Podrick very rarely discussed. The only thing Podrick knew for certain and which Sansa suspected, was that she would be the heir to Tarth. Sansa never dared ask Tyrion if he intended to name her the heir to Casterly Rock. It was none of her business but sometimes she wondered.
"…The thing is that a part of me suspects that if I remain in Winterfell and we continue being together... this self-imposed barrier between us will continue to crumble and–"
She took a deep breath before interjecting, "–in the worst of cases, we'll fall in love."
It was surprising that she finished his sentence and to admit that, no less, "Who knows, maybe we're robbing ourselves of a love story fit for the songs..."
Sansa raised her eyebrow, feeling lees inclined to romance, "That's exactly why you need to leave, it's better to act now."
He nodded and then he added in jest, "ah but we should have risked more, been braver. Not settle for the established order."
"There's a song for you if you ever decide to start writing them and not just sing them."
"Yes," he said, "they're sure to be a success lasting for generations since they're about the Queen in the North."
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They talked between kisses, calmly for the most part, although their kisses didn't stay that way for too long despite how much they tried to keep them that way, especially not after they changed positions and she ended up lying face up with him leaning down on her. Her nails raked down his neck making him shiver; she had discovered a spot he was very sensitive.
Sansa knew she shouldn't, but she was thoroughly participating and enjoying what they were doing even when their kisses turned longer, deeper and a bit too much for her. Still, she was ignoring the voice of reason in her head telling her to stop him. The truth was that she didn't want him to stop.
It was Podrick who finally pushed away to press his forehead against the pillow, lying on the bed to hide his excitement from her, and when he turned to look at her, he saw her looking extremely flushed and panting just as much as he was. She wasn't looking at him but he could still see her dilated eyes and her swollen lips.
He was unable to repress a smile.
He didn't know for how long they remained in silence but he figured it was a long time because when he looked at the hourglass he realized it was time to say goodbye. They moved towards each other to kiss anew, more firmly and desperately; Podrick noticed that it didn't seem to bother her when he finally lay his torso on her as he grabbed her waist, although, she did tense up at first, the kiss seemingly took her mind off the initial discomfort. "A part of me doesn't want to leave."
"I don't want you to." She whispered against his lips.
Some minutes later, however, they were standing again, she was donning her coat and cloak and he was studying her from a corner until she was ready before he approached her again.
Sansa's hands reach out to his neck to bring his forehead to hers not knowing what else to say that hadn't already been said. They nodded at each other and they seemed to regret it as they separated.
Their last exchange in private was preceded by him kissing her head and stroking her back, "Remember, there's nothing wrong with you. And there's nothing wrong with trusting people, with letting them close to your heart."
"Not everyone is as well-intentioned as you."
Well, it wasn't like his intentions were as pure as before, he thought, and he detected a blush that meant she was thinking the same. Still, the moment was too serious for word play and Podrick, swallowed, "Don't forget me, My Queen."
She felt a knot in her throat as she touched his chest, "Don't you forget me either, Podrick."
"Never," he promised as he looked at her before gesturing to his arm, to the scar he'd keep with him, the wound she had closed. "Farewell... Sansa." They both knew that even if they met again sometimes it wouldn't be in the same circumstances. She'd go back to being the Queen in the North, probably a married lady and once again unattainable to him.
She grabbed on to his neck again to give him a final kiss goodbye, "Farewell, Podrick."
On one hand he carried the candle as he led the way through the tunnel and on the other he held her hand. Snow walked behind them.
He took in her room for the first time as he stepped away to let her through. She put the plate on the mantel before they pulled each other in a final kiss and embrace.
Podrick went back through the passageway, he could hear her closing the secret door and oddly enough, he wasn't feeling as crushed ad he had imagined. He rearranged the bookshelf and the bed, he made sure that nothing was out of place and at last he snuffed the fire.
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Their last words as Queen and Guard come Ambassador took place in the main courtyard an hour later with some guards and advisors present, right before he was set to depart.
Sansa wondered if everyone else could see the red on her cheeks even in the darkness of the early morning. And she also wondered about the mark on Podrick's face, something that hadn't been there before, but she didn't have a chance to ask him about it.
"Take care ma'- ...my Queen." he said smiling and bowing his head. He only had eyes for her. She bowed her head politely in response.
"You too, Ser Podrick. Thank you."
"It was an honor serving you, ma'am." One of the soldiers that had come with Podrick added. The Queen fixed him with her eyes and then nodded.
"You will always be welcome in the North."
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It wasn't until the next day when she saw Lord Harry again; he was sporting a black eye and a swollen nose and she was immediately reminded of the red mark on Podrick's face. "What happened to you?" she asked with reproach and he shook his head.
"The night before last I got involved in a scuffle at a tavern in Winter Town." he lied. The truth was he found out Ser Podrick hadn't spent his last night in his rooms and he had assumed neither had she.
Lady Rose and her guards had defended her but he didn't believe them; she was the Queen and they served her, it was her orders they'd follow, not his, just as Jacob had made clear in numerous occasions. So he strode into Podrick's chambers to wait for him but his grievances gave to rage the second he saw him walk through the door. He managed to land two hits before the knight hit back and recognized him in the darkness asking him what the fuck he thought he was doing. Truthfully, his ego was hurt, not only because Podrick had taken the Queen's honor but also because the man managed to defeat him in a scuffle, he had always though that he would win because of his size and strength but he hadn't.
"I didn't know you to drink that much." Sansa made a decision on the spot, for her sake and his, not to ask for more details or to question him further.
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