Chapter 16.
The first raven she got from Podrick came four days after his departure. In it, he told her that there hadn't been any mishaps in his travels, that he and his men had been welcomed as Lord Manderly's guest in New Castle, where they spent the night before boarding the ship that would take them to King's Landing.
His last words on the scroll read 'I hope things are going well for you, Ma'am.'
The scroll was so brief that she couldn't help but feel disappointed, silly as it was but then, a week and a half later she received another scroll; this was more personal, and it arrived with all the same precautions taken when she exchanged letters addressing highly important matters with Brienne or Lord Tyrion, some of which she wasn't even supposed to be privy to. Such scrolls tended to lack royal seals but they included codes, trusted —and illiterate— people to receive them and send them to their real destination. All those measures served to ensure that they wouldn't make it to the maesters' records of incoming and outgoing correspondence and that they would stay away from prying eyes.
In the scroll in question, Podrick told her that he had spoken to her brother, The King, and he had only admitted what he had already said, that when Podrick was sent north he didn't know for certain that the attack would take place and that he had only done what he could. That in his dream, he had seen her alone hiding behind the green door and, knowing that she wouldn't mistrust Podrick, he had sent him north at once.
'I'm sorry I can't say more than that, but it's not like the King was more forthcoming.
Also, he didn't mention knowing about what happened in the North.'
Sansa replied that same afternoon saying that she hadn't expected more from her brother and that she was glad to hear that he hadn't had any troubles in the trip back. She also asked him to tell her whether something had happened between him and a certain Lord in the morning of his departure. She suspected that it had but she hadn't mentioned it to the lord only because she wanted to avoid giving the man a chance to question her about things that she wasn't interested in answering.
When she signed that scroll she opted not to use her name and instead she used Alayne Stone before sending it with all necessary precautions.
She also opted not to burden him with the knowledge that her leaving the Great Hall and following behind him on the night before his departure had served to provoke all sorts of rumors about her. But she had decided to ignore the talk and leave it to her advisors to deal with it. Not that it did much good because everyone seemed to be holding on to their own conclusions about what had transpired. Of course there wasn't a single lord or lady who questioned her to her face but she had noticed the murmurs around her and she knew how they sent their workers to question her staff as her maids and Lady Rose informed her. As for the rest of the inhabitants and workers of the castle, she knew they were passing silent judgement if only by the manner in which they looked at her.
''...The Queen gave him quite a send-off!'
Those were the words that reached her ears from below as she stood on a platform, making it impossible to make out who was speaking.
'Well, no one would care if she was a man,' was the uninterested reply from a woman.
Lady Cromwell, who had been standing next to her, blushed while Lord Cromwell fixed his eyes on the floor and Lord Harry jutted out his chin before they continued on their way. She didn't have to explain herself and yet, "Their assumptions are all wrong."
"Thieves believe everyone else steals too, Ma'am." Lady Cromwell stated offering a tight smile as she noticed the Queen was flustered. If anything, she would have liked to have taken notice of the infamous Ser Podrick but she couldn't even remember having met him. She was the Lady of her own keep and she didn't live in Winterfell with her husband so all of this had taken her by surprise.
'Well she's not a man, she's our Queen and she should act like it.'
'And Heavens, it's Ser Podrick... she'll be the butt of the joke when she ventures out of the North. Who'll take her seriously, then?'
Back in the present, Sansa took a deep breath still feeling ashamed of what her Lords would continue saying about her now that they had left Winterfell. There was nothing stopping them from gossiping about her in their own castles. But there was no need to tell Ser Podrick about all that in her letters, what would be the point?
She was the one being judged, not him.
Lady Cromwell was the one person trying to make the situation seem better, "Idle minds are the devils' playground, Ma'am. And the idle minds of those working in menial tasks love to occupy themselves with entertaining gossip and rumors..."
Sansa's gaze continued staring fixedly out of the window, "I'm surprised you don't believe the rumors, yourself, everyone else does." She said skeptically before realizing she had assumed Lord Cromwell had told his wife about her soft spot for Ser Podrick.
"No. I've never taken you for someone who would ever be improper, My Queen."
And no, she hadn't acted as improperly as the rumors suggested but she hadn't been acting as it was expected of her, either. And she couldn't regret it.
"You're lucky that the Castle's workers are loyal to you, ma'am." Lord Harry told her one afternoon, "they could have made the rumors about you and Ser Podrick even worse," he had warned her about it and so he saw no point in her crying over spilt milk.
"...Yes, well, I make a point of surrounding myself with loyal people." She answered curtly having no desire to discuss matters with him.
She had innumerable conversations like that in the following weeks.
The reply to her scroll came almost two weeks later; the letter was addressed to Alayne and it started with a short greeting before her question was answered.
'His fist, my chin and jaw. My fists, his nose and side... but, how can I blame him? he was only looking out for you. I know you don't like violence but that encounter with Lord Harry was long overdue... and, if you'll allow me to brag, as big and imposing as he is, I was surprised that he couldn't land a solid punch even with the advantage of surprising me in the darkness.
I imagine that he didn't say anything to you and I obviously denied all his false accusations about us. Though I doubt he believed me.'
Then, as not to go into details, Podrick proceeded to tell her about how he was doing. His final words were: 'You're always on my mind'.
And so it was how they went on stay in touch with each other. Both were surprised at how frequent their exchanges became. They constantly asked each other questions that were answered in disarray because often things kept happening that they needed to tell the other as soon as possible. For the most part they told each other trifle stuff but they enjoyed their exchanges greatly.
As the months passed Sansa remarked on how Podrick's greetings and goodbyes remained ever so affectionate. And how he would sometime slip in short but tender words between sentences, the kind of compliments he had given her not so long ago.
What Podrick didn't know was the joyful excitement that went through her body whenever she received his letters, how her hands grew cold and how she would have to postpone reading them until she found herself in the privacy of her chambers. She'd spend the day craving to read them and once she got the chance, she didn't want them to end.
Sansa no longer considered herself a romantic and least of all affectionate, he must have realized that during his stay at Winterfell, so, even if his words touched her upon reading them —and read them she did, slowly and all too pleased— she skimmed over them in her replies, seemingly dismissing them and she wondered if that bothered him and when he would mention it.
Once, when he said he missed his life in the North she replied that she had once read that absence makes the heart grow fonder and in turn he asked if that was true for her. Since she didn't reply to that, in Podrick's following scroll he said that he enjoyed writing to her and communicating through raven but that he wondered what they were doing, stalling for the inevitable ending.
'Even through the distance, these scrolls keep the fire alive.
One of the few pleasures in my life is receiving and reading your missives, inconvenient though they are since they mean you're always in my mind, that I always yearning for your next words. But being in each other's minds and hearts was what we sought to avoid by saying goodbye at Winterfell. As you can see, distance hasn't worked for me. Instead, your words proved right, absence has made the heart grow fonder.
But this isn't me saying I'll stop writing or that I'm upset with you. It's just that it's easier to confess in writing rather than looking at your lovely face. It is easier to be honest like this.
I suspect you'll be displeased by my words but, alas, they're written down and I'll send them before I have time to regret them. Tomorrow, the deed will be done and over with.
I kiss and embrace you, PP.'
Podrick was right, his words didn't please her, nor was the fact that he addressed the scroll to Sansa, which, somehow announced from the start that the content of the letter was deeply serious and personal.
For the most part, her reply mirrored the words he had said about her letters being one of the few things he looked forward to, adding that even just that made her anxious and so it wasn't only him who was stuck thinking about the past and what had taken place at Winterfell. But he knew her, showing her emotions wasn't her strong suit and even less showering him with affectionate and cheerful words, but that she did appreciate them when he wrote them to her.
And that leaving behind what was between them was something they needed to do gradually, that time and distance would help but that she wasn't ready to let go yet. She still cherished him too much to cut him off from her life. And now more than ever, she understood that life had given her a bigger gift that she expected when she asked that first kiss of him. And she regretted none of what she shared with him. Maybe her regret was that everything had to stay in the past and unlike him, she didn't feel like writing was easier than speaking because for her, it meant exploring her emotions. She didn't know what else to say except that they should continue their exchanges.
In parting, she was bold enough to remark that he too was always in her mind. But this time around she didn't sign the letter, neither as Alayne nor as Sansa.
From then on, their letters started to come less frequently.
They would write even less often when Sansa became too busy with matters of the realm, when she left Winterfell and during the quarterly meetings since she had time for nothing else during those.
It was during one of those busy occasions that she was taken by surprise when, having forgotten that Podrick had mentioned that he would participate in a tournament in Storm's End, in the middle of a feast at White Harbor she heard a Lord saying that he had been present when Ser Podrick collapsed after winning the tournament. Sansa didn't make a lot of it at first but as the Lord continued talking her alarm started to escalate. Apparently, the situation after his collapse was so shocking that everyone was worried, not only his squire but the King and his entire retinue, since Podrick lost consciousness and he hadn't regained it until well after he was taken off the arena.
Lord Cromwell threw a look at the Queen, who had stopped eating and was now staring at the Lord in consternation. Lord Harry watched her too and seeing her agitation grow, he spoke, "But he's alright now?" he asked, shocked that she wasn't aware of the incident with all the scrolls they exchanged. Or at least he figured that the Kingsguard was her private pen pal.
"...Oh you know how people talk." Lord Loke answered the advisor. He nodded before looking at the Queen who remained speechless, "I left before I was able to hear about the Kingsguard's health. It happened over a week ago."
Sansa knew almost all eyes in the room were on her and so she tried to downplay her concern looking at Lord Cromwell a few moments later and receiving a slight shake of the head by the man telling her that no, she couldn't leave right away because that would rekindle all the rumors about her and Ser Podrick, and it would make them even worse, "...I'll send a personal letter to our Ambassador in Kings Landing..." Lord Cromwell whispered a few seconds later, his words low enough to make sure that the people around them wouldn't hear, "...and to other Lords beyond the North to see if they know anything about what happened."
Sansa simply nodded and continued eating, her appetite lost and her mind reeling, she kept telling herself that Pod was fine, that he had to be and that it was only like her to think the worse.When the feast was over and the people around her started to talk amongst themselves rather that paying attention to her, she broke her silence, "I won't be able to stand not knowing," she whispered worriedly at Lord Cromwell.
"I'll see what I can do, ma'am." He replied sympathetically. Lord Harry studied them knowing that he had the better network of relations and that he should be the one volunteering for the task. When she started to move Lord Cromwell subtly placed his hand on her wrist for a second to restrain her from retiring so early. There was no rush. "...I'm sure he's fine." Bad news travel fast."
And that was the long and short of that conversation but the small number of people who really knew the Queen —and of her interest in the Kingsguard— immediately notice the almost imperceptible change in her. When, after a while, Lady Wynafryd approached her accompanied by the retinues from The Reach and Dorne —the only reason for her visit to White Harbor— which was shame because she found herself completely uninterested in solidifying any relationships at the moment. But despite her inability to really focus, she let herself be introduced to the lords —Caswell, Hightower, Oakheart, Dayne, Wyl, Blackmont... it was Hightower which caught her attention but when she lifted her eyes she found that it either wasn't the Hightower she was expecting or the man was a great actor.
For the most part, she let her advisers carry the conversation, she'd only interject when she thought it necessary or when she was asked a question. She had withdrawn from the conversation and they took notice and just after a little while, she claimed to have a headache as an excuse to retire and after taking a few steps, she heard the steps as Lady Wylla joined her.
"You must worry, I'm sure Ser Podrick is alright."
"You'll have to excuse me, Lady Wylla, I'm not holding more meetings tonight..." She knew she was being impolite but she really didn't care at the moment. Then she made a quick retreat to her room where she also dismissed Lady Rose rather unceremoniously. Without missing a beat, she grabbed a quill and a scroll and she wrote a short note to Podrick asking him to get in contact with her as soon as possible because she had just heard about him collapsing and she needed to know he was alright. She also wished him a quick recovery. She put her royal seal on the letter and she asked one of her guards to immediately send it with a raven to King's Landing.
It wasn't until two days later that she had any news of Podrick and they came from a friend of Lord Cromwell at Riverrun who was friends with a Lord form the West that had been present at the tournament and who wrote him to tell him about Ser Podrick's injury and claiming that he had seen the Kingsguard in the way to recovering and that the King's maesters were optimistic.
That did little to calm her down because Sansa wouldn't be absolutely certain that he was fine until she heard directly from Podrick.
In the following days, she tried to set aside her anxiety and to focus on the business of the North as ravens kept arriving with scrolls bearing similar news about Ser Podrick's recovery, but a raven from King's Landing was still a couple of days away. The distance was immense.
Slowly but surely, though, her peace of mind came back, though, and so she started spending time with those important foreign lords and one afternoon after she slipped from some feast she found herself walking away from the main keep when she came upon two Lords who seemed as inclined as her to get away from the celebration.
They were talking near a lighthouse overlooking a rocky cliff and though she tried to go unnoticed it was for naught with her Guards and Snow loudly trailing after her, "Fear not, my lords, he won't hurt you," she placated when she saw one of them react to the presence of the direwolf by going for the pommel of his sword to protect himself.
She took the chance to look at the men and she felt like she recognized one of them as he bowed his head politely, but she couldn't really place him. The other man proceeded to inquire about Snow, wondering if he was still a whelp and calling him a Majestic Beast, before mentioning that she seemed a bit under the weather and asking if she was sure she felt alright before carrying on with inane chatter before she even had time to reply, and when he finally stopped she was able to discover who these men were; the chatty one was Ulwyck Uller and the other one, whose sudden embarrassment was now all too evident to her, was none other than Ser Humphrey Hightower, the Lord from the Reach who had been at the center of that shameful business at the Wall, the man she had been blackmailing; so not the Hightower from the other day.
Sansa also recalled where she knew his face from, he was the same man who had been carrying the snow balls before crashing into her after the storm and while Lord Ulller went on to excuse himself because he had to go back to the feast, she and Lord Humphrey studied each other. He cleaned up well, she realized, he looked very far from the man she had met all those months ago.
When they were left alone an awkward silence between them took hold, "It never occurred to me that you were Lord Hightower," Sansa stated, "I wasn't even aware that a Hightower had been in Winterfell...until I got word from the Lord Commander of the Night's Watch."
A shamefaced Humphrey nodded at her words though he didn't mean to show his shame because he feared she would try to took advantage of his mistake even more than she already had, "I am truly sorry, Ma'am." He said.
He wasn't very specific about whether he felt sorry for, hiding his identity or for his dalliance, not that either one wanted to address the matter of his indiscretion. Specially not her. She cleared her throat, "At least now the North and the Reach's relations have improved because of you." She offered to remind him that on his latest letter he informed her that he had managed to substantially reduce the interest rates for the North.
"Yes." he said plainly at a loss for words.
Sansa studied the man for a few seconds realizing his penchant for sarcasm was confined to his writing rather than his conversation, "Once more, I thank you for having helped us in the meetings with The Reach."
Oddly, he felt her eyes studying instead of judging him, "...it was the least I could do."
She stopped herself from snorting derisively and she appreciated that he had no interest in joining her when she said she'd continue her walk.
Some days later, a few hours before setting out back to Winterfell, Lady Wylla approached her with a scroll from another lord who had been at Storm's End and who had seen Ser Podrick completely recovered, if unusually down in the dumps.
"I apologize for my manners the other day, Lady Wylla... I wasn't thinking clearly." She finally admitted.
Lady Wylla wasn't pleased by the Queen's continued interest in the Kingsguard but that didn't mean that she was happy about whatever had befallen him, "I'll pray for his well-being," she simply stated receiving a surprised look before nodding. "Save Travels, My Queen."
"Thank you. You and your family are the best hosts, our stay here was very pleasant..." as she heard how little heartfelt her words sounded, she could only shrug to sort insinuate why she wasn't feeling too grateful; her courtesies felt like empty gestures.
Truthfully, Sansa was expecting that upon her arrival at Winterfell a scroll from Podrick would be waiting for her, she was counting on it. And yet, there wasn't one. She anxiously waited a few days but it was in vain and so she sent another letter that went unanswered. Filled with questions and worry, she decided to reach out to Ser Brienne, something she should have done from the start but which she had stopped herself from doing. She wrote about some trivial matters before telling her that she had heard about what happened to Ser Podrick and that she wanted to know how he was doing since he wasn't writing back to her.
It wasn't until a month and a week after she first found out about the event that she got any real explanation, and it came from Ser Brienne, not Podrick.
'Podrick was injured during the tournament, Ma'am. He gave all of us who care for him and who were present quite a fright because he only came to several hours after he fainted. The King's maesters weren't certain about what happened because it wasn't like Podrick's opponent to hurt him terribly and he only collapsed after celebrating his victory.
When he awoke and we were assured that he was in good health we left for King's Landing where I personally spoke to the army's maester who normally treats him and he told me, in confidence, that Podrick had acquired his injury in the North. And that your own masters, ma'am, as well as the army's maester had asked him not to take it lightly. Apparently Podrick thought that that meant he only had to clean it and keep it bandaged when they actually meant rest.
Podrick himself told me that not a week after getting stabbed he trained with a northern commander, they believe that's where the injury got worse. Our Army's master didn't think much of the injury either but then we realized that when Podrick talked about his ailments, he downplayed its seriousness and that he forgot to mention that Lord Manderly's maester told him that such an injury could affect him all his life. So, as you can tell, everyone thought it was a minor injury and no so one ordered him to stop exercising and training strenuously.
At the moment, we are vigilant because, though Podrick seems fit as a fiddle, all the maesters have said that his initial disregard for the injury may bring unsuspected consequences. As expected, the news completely disheartened him and so, to provide him with some distraction, the King allowed Lord Tyrion to send him as an emissary to the Westerlands for a short time.
I cannot tell you exactly where to write him because I don't know if he's staying at Casterly Rock or at the Payne's ancestral home... as you may be aware, ma'am, Podrick has never been close to his family.'
In the rest of the letter Brienne shared with her a few things about her brother instead of Podrick, but it was his situation that echoed in her mind because up until reading the letter she had thought that the cut on Podrick'a arm had been much more serious than the one on his side. She didn't think it much before she found herself at the maesters hall asking about Podrick's injury and ordering them to write in as much detail as possible all that they knew about it and about any other ailment the knight might had suffered so that she could send that information to King's Landing in the hopes that something could be of help. She also wrote to Wylla Manderly telling her about the news and asking her to talk to her family's maester about Podrick's injury and to send a scroll to Ser Brienne of Tarth with the diagnosis he gave Podrick at the time.
As the days and weeks went by, she kept coming back to the notion that Podrick blamed her for the injury and that's why he hadn't written to her yet. She sent a final message that he would probably only read once he made it back to King's Landing where she was apologetic about his injury and where she said she understood if he didn't want to talk to her anymore. She also told him that he was always in her mind and that she could only wish the best for him.
She wasn't about to deny that she was overwhelmed by what had happened, by him being unable or unwilling to get in touch with her and so her mood immediately soured.
It was a random morning when the daughter of the stable master approached her with a scroll telling her that it had arrived earlier that morning. Sansa took it from her and thanked her before scurrying off to the nearest hall where she could get some privacy, her hands had already grown cold since she knew it was from Podrick. She had never seen the sigil of House Payne before but he had described it to her once and that was the sigil on the wax seal. She usually took her time reading Podrick's words but this time she couldn't help herself, her eyes quickly skimmed over the words, which ended sooner than she would've liked. Then, more calmly, she reread it from the top.
'I apologize, Ma'am, for not getting in touch with you sooner, work has kept me busy and I've been staying in a remote area and communication has been difficult, even with King's Landing. Presently and in the following weeks I'll be freer to write to you and you may write to me at the Payne's house if, that's not too inconvenient. Although, I would understand if it is.
A couple of hours ago I received a raven from Ser Brienne where she told me you've been concerned about my health after what happened at that Tourney. Don't be, I'm fine. I can't deny that this injury has had me worried but what gives me hope is that I only feel pain very rarely and I've learned to anticipate what triggers the pain, which is actually quite tolerable. What happened that day is that I overdid it; I was so excited of being so close to winning the tourney that I pushed myself too hard.
I'm sorry to have worried you.
I have and inkling that you're blaming yourself from my injury and I want to remind you that it was my job, my duty and my pleasure as a Guard and a Knight to have served you.
You're always in my heart, Podrick.'
Sansa couldn't lie to herself and say that she didn't go from excitement to being disappointed by the scroll. Those words seemed cold coming from Podrick. They were direct and to the point, so unlike him. It took too much time to think what to write back and what she ended up saying was pretty much a repeat of the words that would be already waiting for him in King's Landing.
'Podrick, I'm glad to read that you've recovered. You don't know how worried I've been since I heard about your injury and even more so when I received no scroll from you. That last part wasn't a reproach even if it sounds like it.
On the other hand, I do feel guilty, I won't deny it. I know that helping out and protecting people are parts of your job as a Guard and a Knight but given what we shared, how you fulfilled your duties as a guard or as a knight is not what concerns me.
I can't tell from your words how afflicted you are by the event that took place but I know you enough to suspect what thoughts haunt you. You seem cold and aloof, which does nothing to quell my worries and it makes me think that you do blame me for your injury. And it is my fault, even a blind man could see that. So I understand if you are in any way upset with me.
Or if you need time...
I just want you to remember that I wish for you all the good things that this world has to offer. I'll say goodbye now hoping to hear from you soon.
Sincerely, Sansa Stark.
She had been in such a rush to write down all her thoughts and emotions before they evaporated and then to send out the scroll that she didn't realize until way after midnight that she had signed that letter with her real name and not as Alayne Stone, which was certainly a mistake.
When Podrick received the letter he was surprised by her words. Honestly he hadn't meant to come off as cold in his previous letter but he had been, and it was more as a result of his own confusing emotions and of being unable to reveal too much about the business that was keeping him in the Western Lands. So he decided to speak the truth; although his health had improved and he was feeling fit as a fiddle, he was concerned for his future. But no, he didn't blame her. And he didn't want to put more distance, or time, between them.
He confided to her that he was worried about the King sending him away to the Western Lands after his collapse, since he had very little to do around a family that he barely knew. He thought it was an excuse to put him to pasture for a bit as to soften the blow when the King would eventually remove him from the Kingsguard.
'I figure that by now you've taken notice of the drying petals I enclosed with this letter— if they didn't get loose mid-flight, that is— and which are the irrefutable proof that I don't blame you for my injury. You see, during my recovery I received the crown of flowers meant for the victor of the tourney and I imagined myself crowning you had you been present. Because, believe me, I would have, even if all the gossip in the world had followed. But since I couldn't do that in person, I'm offering a few dried petals as proof that you're my Queen of Love and Beauty... though I know you'd tell me it's nonsense and you are no queen of love.
Regardless, we both know you are the queen of my heart.
The petals had made it along with the letter, and Sansa was surprised by such a candid offering and Podrick's sweet words. It struck her that this was his way of declaring his love for her since that wasn't something either of them would say, or take, lightly.
As she put the petals inside a small box where she kept some of his other scrolls, she couldn't help but see the irony in the fact that Ser Humphrey Hightower was currently visiting Winterfell.
She knew his visit was a suspicious one, her advisors thought he was just another one of her suitors visiting but she knew that it wasn't as simple as that. He had come back after inquiring about her past and he brought with him a marriage proposal that could be entirely too beneficial — both his advisors and family were pressuring to make an alliance that he had no interest in forming. She seemed to be running away from marriage and he himself was, he confessed, for the most part, uninterested in women that way, which could only serve to reassert her safety in a manner that had been previously denied to her. That night, Sansa had been so taken by surprise that she had felt cornered without know what to say to that.
"I know that given my... proclivities, I may be offending you, Ma'am." Humphrey said noticing that she hadn't welcome the proposal at all, which he hadn't seen coming, "But believe me, that's not my intention. And if you decide to reject my proposal I'll respect that."
As she walked around the Godswood before day break that morning, she pondered the proposal and once she managed to set aside her own personal issues, it became clear to her that such an alliance would be incredibly beneficial for the north... enough to make her consider it seriously, "To me, the only purpose of entering into a marriage is starting a family. Continuing the Stark legacy, so, given you preferences, you can see how I-"
"We can start a family," he interrupted, "Try to be open-minded, Ma'am." he said, and he saw her face tightening, suspicion written in her eyes. What kept him pushing, however, was realizing that she wasn't outright judging him or disrespecting him because of his nature, "Look, I won't pressure you, just think about my proposal for a few days. Later we can agree on the conditions."
Of course there would be conditions, she thought cynically.
"I know it's a big ask and that you will discuss it with your advisors, but I beg you to keep between just us the most personal things you know about me."
Sansa reluctantly nodded. She would have liked to at least feel frustration or anger at the whole thing but all she felt was empty and disappointed as the political married she was doomed to engage in loomed menacingly over her. Her disappointment mostly came from acknowledging that even if she suddenly decided to ask Podrick to break his oaths —something she began to seriously consider the second she started to feel cornered by the proposal, she couldn't imagine what he could want in exchange for dishonoring himself for a woman devoid of passion and honor and filled with bitterness and ghosts like her, someone who could offer him nothing but dishonor and an empty title of King consort in a corner of the world.
She found herself crying; for herself rather than for Podrick, out of frustration at the way her life had turned out because even with power over her life, she still wasn't free to choose since she had made up her mind about what she had to do. She had been waiting for the time when she had to fulfill this duty and this type of proposal would have been welcomed had it come three years before but now she despised the fact that it came at all. This would seal her fate.
"I've always kept my tendencies private," he admitted one afternoon when she invited him to take a walk with her knowing she did so to make sure no one would hear them. He saw how she blushed at that, "Acting on my impulses was a more recent development and I made sure to do it in foreign lands. I've always conducted myself impeccably and fewer than a handful of the people who know me are aware of my inclinations. I've always kept them private."
His conduct wasn't so impeccable but Sansa nodded in agreement. She had sent people to look into him too and he wasn't lying when he told her he kept his affairs hidden because out of everything that was said of the man, his preferences never came up. On the contrary, his background showed him having interest and cultivating friendships with renown families from all of Westeros. "A woman in my position would certainly hate to be the laughing stock of the continent if your proclivities are ever made public."
"As I said, Ma'am, I've only acted on my impulses a few times and I only did in foreign lands."
Sansa nodded dismissively, unwilling to even let the thought occupy her mind, "My children will be Starks. They won't carry their father's name." she set another hurdle.
"Passing on my family name is the duty of my eldest brothers and their children."
Yes, he had already mentioned he was third son and her little birds had come to find that he was the favorite, his parents always gave him whatever he wanted. Even helping those who needed it the most. "You and I have nothing in common."
"You are mistaken, My Queen, I know that you care about your people. That you don't want and Ill-fitting union again. Or a husband that could feel entitled to your realm. I swear that you won't have to fear that with me by your side. I'll never be an obstacle to you." He also had to be cautious, given what was said about her in the south, about how calculating she was, which was something he had witnessed himself. But deep inside he knew she was the perfect woman for him to have a full life. Her eyes on him felt like she was measuring him.
"Promises and oaths are very easily broken."
Humphrey took a deep breath, "I don't want to live a lie. The woman I marry will know about by inclinations, I'll respect her and I'll honor our family-"
"–So long as you're not in foreign lands." Sansa interjected and she quickly realized he hadn't been expecting her to because he could only fumble for a reply. She had to look away as she continued, "Which I suspect will happen more often after you are married."
"But am I mistaken in thinking you would like that?"
Sansa wasn't sure what to make of him, whether he was being candid or cynical, "What I'm about to say may surprise you, Lord Humphrey, but reluctant as I am, I'd like a man with whom I can have a relatively pleasant relationship, even if it doesn't involve love, I'd like someone who would respect me, what I represent and the family we'll have."
"And who's to say I'm not that man?" he could tell that he was starting to get on her nerves, "Don't misunderstand me, Ma'am, even with my inclinations I'm a breathing and feeling person like any other, someone who hopes for happiness alongside another, for a family of my own to belong to."
Once more, the thought struck her that four or five years ago this proposal would have been heavens sent, "Your happiness won't be found alongside a woman."
Humphrey frowned as he realized that she hadn't fully comprehended his meaning before, about not being interested in women for the most part, "I also enjoy female company..." He blushingly admitted as he went for a more direct approach, "I have a... preference, but I can also appreciate the beauty of a woman...do you understand?" She did, her rising brow and widening eyes were all the answer he needed.
"Right." He had spent time in Dorne growing up... Why hadn't she realized this before? The Dornish customs and tastes were more liberal, to say the least.
Humphrey had saved the best for last and he was about to find out how much she really cared about her people. "Marry me, have a family with me and I promise I'll provide significant help so that, come next winter, the North won't starve." That was a promise he could certainly make. It was known that winters never hit the Reach too hard and yet they were well-prepared for them, plus he had enough gold and family influence to make good on his offer.
How could she say no to that? Sansa reflected a feeling of dread consumed her, "But, that's not a promise you can actually make. No one knows when the next winter is coming or for how
long will it last. I have enough time to replenish my stores. Don't you mistake me, Lord Humphrey, I'm not a mare for sale." With that Sansa left in a rage, feeling the sting of his every word like that of a whip.
And her rage was mostly directed at herself because her own words were lies. She was for sale to highest bidder.
Even if she didn't want to be. It was her duty.
A damned tradition that not even the Queen could break.
And if she was honest with herself, for some time, now she had started yearning for a family of her own, not a man, not husband but children who would set her stagnant life on a new path.
That night, Lord Humphrey said his goodbyes after apologizing and announcing he'd be leaving the next morning at first light. Her advisors were quick to speculate about the abruptness of the man's departure but she offered no explanations. Not that she had before, she hadn't even told them about his marriage proposal.
TBC.