Hello, this is Lalalu. Don't ask me why I wrote this, I just wrote the first sentence and after that I couldn't stop writing…
The children are of course my characters, though I borrowed the names (--;). There is no connection with the SEED/DESTINY characters with the same names, I just thought they sounded good together.
Cagalli and Athrun are married though she kept her last name.
Disclaimer: I do not own Gundam SEED
On that Day
This is the day that our child died.
This morning he was here sitting on his chair at the kitchen table eating breakfast, toast and orange juice. He said good bye and waved to me before he ran off to school. He smiled. I smiled back at him and waved too, before I closed the door and went to clean up the kitchen and put clothes on our younger daughter. She was unwilling from the beginning but with a little persuasion she finally calmed down and obediently let me put on her jacket and shoes. Then we too left the house, I left her at day care and drove to work.
It was an ordinary day, like any other day. I had a meeting in the morning, I had lunch with my colleges at our usual place. It was an ordinary day. We had a dead-line coming up so I was pretty busy. Perhaps that's why when the phone rang I felt a little irritated, the phone always seems to ring when you gotten into something important and disturbs your concentration.
"Yes?" I said shortly as I pinned the receiver with my jaw and continued working at the computer.
"Is this Mrs. Attha?" A reserved voice said at the other end.
"Yes, this is she. Who am I talking to?" I said as a flipped through some papers.
"This is from Kusanagi hospital, it's about your son, Nicole Zala." The words pierced through me and I went ice cold in an instant. The papers that I had been holding where falling, scattering about the floor.
"What about my son? Has something happened to him! Tell me!" I was pretty rushed at that point.
"I'm sorry I can't go into specifics over the phone, if you would please come down to the hospital and we will talk more." The impersonal voice said and continued, "We have tried to get in contact with your husband but we haven't succeeded, it would help us greatly if you could contact him."
"Yes, well he's on a business trip right now…"
"Is that so… well if you could contact him anyway…"
"Yes, I will contact him and ask him to come home. I'm heading over to the hospital right now."
"Thank you very much, good bye."
"Good bye." I said and hurried out of my office.
"Hey Cagalli where are going?" my subordinate Heine called out to me. He is my subordinate, but we are a rather small office and everybody knows each other so we have gotten rid of all honorifics. I have never liked those kinds of things anyway.
"Sorry Heine, something urgent came up. I'm taking the afternoon off."
"Are you alright?" Heine asked worriedly, I must have looked pretty shaken up.
"Yeah, I'm alright. Nothing to worry about." I said but the inside of my head was in turmoil. I could only think about contacting Athrun. I took my mobile phone and pressed his number. A few signals came through before they were cut. I tried again and again and again. I tried to call him all the way to the car.
"Come on Athrun, answer damn it!" I shouted desperately as another call went unanswered. I continued to try to call him as I drove out the car from the parking lot. Even though I know that you're not supposed to talking in phone when driving. I kept trying to reach Athrun, while I thought about what might have happened to Nicol, it must be something serious because they wouldn't talk about over the phone. Maybe I was naïve, because not one time it crossed my mind that he might be dead.
I was trembled as I called Athrun on last time before I entered the hospital, "Eh… Hi Athrun it's me. Why aren't you answering? …anyway I'm at the Kusanagi hospital now. They called from the hospital… they said it was about Nicol, they wouldn't say what it was though. Anyway I have to turn off the phone now, so I won't be able to answer if you try to call. Bye." I turned off the phone and walked into the hospital.
I reached the information desk, "Hi, I'm Cagalli Yula Attha, you called about my son, Nicol Zala?"
"Oh, Mrs Attha. If you wait for moment over there I will call the doctor." The nurse said seriously and pointed at a group of sofas. I did as I was told and sat down silently. But my nerves were on edge, of course who wouldn't be anxious in a situation like that. A situation I hadn't understood at all.
I
It was an ordinary day but I was on a business trip in neighbouring country. A trip that would last three days, at least that what was planned. Now it isn't exactly unusual that I'm on a business trip, maybe once a month. But still I more often home than away, I would like to think. I have two young children and I don't want to be away from them too much. I don't want to be one of those dads who never see their children and then regret it when they grow old the children are grown up and they don't know them. But at that point it's too late. It's something you take back
I never thought I never would be able to see my son grow up, but still I don't regret a single thing. On the contrary I'm even more convinced that I was right. I had the opportunity to know Nicol for his short life. I knew what hobbies he had, I knew what TV-shows he liked, I knew what his favourite food was, I knew what he didn't like. When I came home from work he would run to the front door to greet me, show me things he had done in school, I helped him with his homework, I played video games with him. I knew who his friends were. I knew a lot about Nicol, and I treasure the memories now, when they're nothing more than memories. But I think it would have felt much harder if I hadn't been there. If I had nothing to remember.
I was on a business trip today, the day that our son died. It was in the afternoon when the telephone rang, it was in the middle of a meeting and I was having a presentation. I felt embarrassed, I had forgotten to turn off the sound on the mobile.
"Excuse me." I mumbled as I picked up the phone. I looked at the screen "Cagalli" it said and I got a little annoyed. Didn't she know better that to phone at this time of the day? She knew I was having a lot of meetings. I cut the call and turned off the sound and put the phone back in my pocket. I didn't think about it more but continued my presentation. 45 minutes later the meeting was over and as I stood there and small talked with some of the participants I remembered that Cagalli had called. I thought maybe it was something important after all so I excused myself and walked little aside and looked at the phone. "27 calls!" I unconsciously said out loud. And anxiousness was planted in my body, why would she have called 27 times? If anything hadn't happened? I saw that she had left a message so I called my voice mail. It sounded like Cagalli and at the same time it sounded like someone completely different. The Cagalli I know is tough, easily angered, often smiling and a little loud but now she sounded lost and weak. And what she said hit me like a punch in the stomach, no, a punch would have been nothing to what I felt at that moment. Because at that moment I somehow understood, that I wouldn't be able see my son again. Not alive. I staggered, I leaned against the wall because I felt like I couldn't stand up by myself.
"Mr. Zala, is something wrong?" A woman, my contact here asked me worriedly.
"I'm fine, it's just that an urgent family matter has come up. I'm sorry I will take the next flight back to Orb." I wasn't fine, my world was falling apart. But I didn't want to have to explain myself.
"I understand, I hope it's nothing serious." She said.
I could just smile weakly at her and thank her before I hurried back to my hotel room. In the cab to the airport I tried to call Cagalli but just as she said the telephone was off.
Then I called Kira, "Hey Athrun, what's up?" it was the normal Kira who answered, which led me to conclude that Cagalli hadn't called him but I asked anyway, "…Hey Kira, Cagalli hasn't called you?"
"No, what's wrong?" My suspicion turned out to be right she hadn't called him. Kira must've noticed that I sounded strange because he answered wearily.
"I don't know, Cagalli called me but I was in a meeting so I couldn't answer. Apparently they called her from Kusanagi hospital about Nicol."
"Has something happened to Nicol?" Kira shouted in my ear.
"I don't know. I'm in Plant right now, I'm taking the next flight back to Orb. I wonder if you could call Lacus ask her to pick up Meer at daycare and if you could go to the hospital." I was surprised how rationally my mind worked and how cool my voice sounded. It wasn't at all how I felt.
"…I get it, I'll call Lacus." Kira said.
"Thanks Kira."
"Don't worry about it, Cagalli is my sister you know."
"Yeah."
"Anyway, we'll talk later."
"Yeah, ok, bye." I said and cut the call. I leaned back against the seat and closed my eyes. At that point I felt disconnected from reality. But in the end you can't escape from reality.
I
"Nicol, Nicol…" I hold his little hand. It feels cold and I know it's getting colder. And it doesn't matter how much I want it, I will never be able to look into his big green eyes again. I won't ever see that smile again and when I think about it, it makes me want to break.
I can't see his pale face very well because of the tears that won't stop falling. But if I didn't know better he could be sleeping. And if I close my eyes I can imagine how I just read him his good night story. I remember when I read "The Wind on the Moon" to you, not long ago. You cried, and I comforted you. I smiled a little at you as you were sobbing and tears were streaming from you reddened eyes. But death is hard to accept isn't it? I sat with you until you fell asleep and I kissed your reddened cheek and I took one last look at your sleeping face before I went out the room leaving the door a little ajar. So that light would slip into your room from the hall.
It could be like that time, I've just read you a good night story. I kiss your cheek. I let you sleep and tomorrow you will wake up. Complaining that you're tired but I won't listen instead I will mercilessly pull off your quilt so that you won't be able to go back to sleep.
But I know, I know it won't be like that. I will never see your newly awakened face, never see your smiling face, never see your angry face, never see your happy face, never see your sad face, never again. You face is blank, you won't feel anything anymore. I almost feel envious at you because if I didn't feel anything I wouldn't have to feel this unbearable pain right now.
"Cagalli…" and a hand on my shoulder cruelly woke me up, I must've been sleeping.
"Kira…" I managed to say and looked up at him from where I sat by Nicol's bed. He was crying too. He didn't say anything more and I didn't want to talk. We were just silent. Still with his hand on my shoulder.
I
I got lucky and found a flight so I didn't have to wait at the airport. But still the flight itself took about one hour and the waiting was driving me crazy. I had never felt so powerless in my whole life. To sit there not being able to do anything. And if my fears where proven right, in what state would Cagalli be in right now? I wasn't there to comfort her to support her, I sat in a plane right now, far away from her.
I drove to the hospital immediately after I had checked out, I literarily ran into the hospital and to the front desk.
"We received Nicol after three o' clock this afternoon, he had been in a traffic accident. We did everything we could but in the end the injuries he sustained were too severe. I'm so sorry Mr. Zala."
I just looked at him blankly and said, "No, don't be, I know you did everything you could… where is Nicol now?"
"He is in room 214 right down the hall here, your wife and brother-in-law is already there. You have my deepest condolences Mr. Zala."
"Thank you Doctor." I said and started my walk down to the room where my son was now.
Outside the room was Lacus together with our daughter Meer.
"Athrun…" Lacus looked like she was about to cry, I could tell she had been crying.
"Lacus…" I said and suddenly felt very tired, "Cagalli is in there?"
"Yes, and Kira too."
"Daddy, daddy, what's wrong? Where is mommy? Where is Nicol?" Meer asked me. I guess that even if she is very little, she could sense that something was wrong. I hugged her, but what do I answer to that? Nicol is not coming back?
"Meer, you will see your mommy in a little while. Please be patient." Lacus saved me for now, but it made me feel even more pathetic. That I can't even answer Meer's questions.
The door to the room opened and I saw Kira, he smiled weakly, "…Athrun, how was the flight?"
"The worst." I answered and tried to smile back.
"I can imagine…"
"Kira," I lowered my voice so that Meer wouldn't hear, "Do you know what happened?"
"I talked to the police and apparently it was a hit and run. At a zebra crossing."
"I see." I really didn't know how to react.
"They think they have a good chance of catching the one who did it, there were a lot of eye-witnesses."
"…" I decided to try not to think about that right now, I could feel that if I did hatred would overwhelm me. This was my last moment with Nicol, I wouldn't want to ruin that with hatred. I want to remember the good times I had with him instead.
"I'm going in now." I said and opened the door.
"Cagalli, is in a pretty bad shape now…" Kira said, as if to warn me?
"I get it." I said and went into the room.
The room was dimly lit, someone had lit a candle and placed a small vase with a single rose at a table by his bed. The hospital staff?
Nicol was lying in front of me now, as if he was sleeping. For once his blonde hair was tidy, he had the same type of hair as his mother. The same colour and seemingly a will of its own.
Cagalli was just sitting there staring at him, tears were still running down her cheeks. How long must she have cried by now?
"Cagalli." I spoke to her.
She looked up suddenly and almost shouted, "Athrun!" and ran into my arms. And I couldn't do anything else but to hold her in my arms. I was stroking her hair as gently as I could. And I thought I must stay strong, for Cagalli for Meer.
Cagalli started to cry even more violently, "Nicol is dead, Athrun."
"Mm." was all I managed to say.
"He isn't coming back."
"…" I didn't say anything, I just patted her head. What could I say? Again I felt pathetic and wished that I wasn't so bad with words as I am.
I heard a noise and looked up and saw that Lacus had come into the room.
"I'm a bad mother, I knew I shouldn't have let him go to school alone."
"Calm down, Cagalli. You're not a bad mother, it could have happened to anyone." Lacus said and put a hand on her shoulder.
"I will not calm down, and I am a bad mother!"
"I understand how you must feel, but it isn't your fault."
"Shut up! You don't know how it feels. You don't even have any children!"
Lacus looked surprised at first but the moment after sad.
"Lacus, please leave us alone for a moment. I want talk to Cagalli." I said.
Lacus just nodded and left the room.
I
As soon as Lacus had left the room Athrun grabbed my shoulders asked me sharply, "Why did you say that to Lacus? She was only trying to help." I know she was only tried to help, but it doesn't stop me from getting angry. Pretend like she understands me.
"I don't understand how you can be so calm! Don't you even care that your son has died!" I shouted in his face. And I could see how his face was twisted in pain. Aah, I'm really the lowest.
"Fuck you!" he screamed and the grip he had on my shoulders became so tight it hurt.
"Fuck you, Cagalli. Do you thing you're the only one who's suffering? Just because everyone doesn't become hysteric doesn't mean that they're feeling less! And how could you say that to Lacus, don't you think she is sad because of Nicol's death? And to say that she doesn't understand you, when you know that she and Kira have wanted a child for the longest time! It's you who don't understand Lacus, you don't understand how it feels to not being able to have a child. And you still have a daughter who is waiting outside, who wonders where mommy is! …Damn you Cagalli…" Athrun stopped and I could hear sobs coming. I guess he was holding it in, until now. And everything he said was true, I really am a terrible human being. Yes I knew that Lacus wants a baby, and still I said that. I said the one thing that probably hurts her the most.
I could feel the tears coming with renewed force, Athrun had loosened his grip now and was just weeping. So I hugged him again and apologised at least I tried to, I really didn't want to hurt him, I know how much he loved Nicol, "I'm…s- so…sorry! I…didn't, I didn't mean it Athrun!" It was a little hard to talk between the sobs.
"I…know…I'm sorry too. I shouldn't have shouted at you like that."
"No it's ok, I deserved it."
"…ok, maybe you did."
"Yeah." After that we didn't say anything more, we just held each other, crying. And after, when we had calmed down. I left Athrun, so that he had some time alone with Nicol to say good bye. I had something important to do, apologise.
As I closed the door behind me, Kira looked at me sharply and was about to say something but Lacus stopped him, "Kira, please don't."
"Mommy, mommy where have you been? What's happening? Mommy!" I looked down at Meer, I patted her dark blue hair and tried my best to sound normal, "Soon, honey. I'm just going to talk to Lacus for a bit. Ok?"
Maybe she understood the seriousness of the situation because she just nodded and accepted. Normally she would protest a lot more.
"Lacus… I don't know where to begin but I'm really sorry. I didn't mean what I said, I really appreciate everything you've done. I understand that everybody's grieving right now and I'm just being selfish."
For a little while Lacus just looked at me but then slowly opened her mouth, "…You really hurt me, Cagalli."
"I know, and understand if you don't forgive me."
"It's alright, I forgive you. Really it's true, I don't fully understand how you are feeling right now just as you can't fully understand my feelings. At that point it wasn't the cleverest thing to say but one thing I won't take back is, what happened isn't your fault. And it's not certain that nothing would have happened if you went with him." Lacus said and saved me again. I know I may be undeserving but I want to hold on to her, my best friend.
"I don't know what I would do with out you, Lacus. And I really hope you'll get a baby, you would be the best mom."
"Thank you." Lacus just said, and tears started running down her cheeks.
I felt how the lump in my throat was growing again and to stop myself from crying again I said, "Why don't you two go in together and I'll wait here with Meer."
"We'll do that." Kira said and hugged Lacus shoulder and they went into Nicol's room again.
"What's in that room mommy?" Meer tugged my sleeve and I lifted her up in my arms.
"Nicol's in there, honey."
"Nicol's in there? Can I play with him?"
"I'm sorry, Nicol's sleeping."
Meer knit her brows, "Can't we wake him up?"
"No, we can't. If I could I would."
"Hmm… boring." Meer decided.
"…Do you want to see him?" I hesitated a little but I asked anyway.
"Yeah!" she said happily.
"Alright, let's go see him."
It is the day our child died. It was an ordinary day, like any other day. But this is the day that our lives changed forever.