CHOICES
by Soledad
Rating: General, for this part
Author's notes:
For disclaimer, background fact, etc., see Part 1
Originally, I planned to finish the story with this part. but it grows and grows and grows... No, seriously, three more parts and it's done. I promise.
PART 6
Kavanagh decided to go back to work for his second shift, after all. There was much to do, and he didn't feel up to face the fact that the doctors at home had been right and he wasn't responsible for Tommy's condition just yet. He had lived with the assumed guilt for six years; he couldn't simply shake it off.
He needed distraction, and nothing could distract him from his own problems more than a good, thorough bitching session with Simpson. They could argue for hours about just everything. Simpson wasn't a bad scientist per se (or she wouldn't have managed to get into the Atlantis crew to begin with) but she was way too emotional, prone to take unnecessary risks just to get what she wanted. Given that Kavanagh himself was determined to avoid unnecessary risks at any costs, confrontation was inevitable.
Of course, Simpson didn't bear the responsibility for two children. She didn't need to survive for their sake. Not that he knew of it anyway.
When they had one of their notorious arguments – which happened on a daily basis – Dr. Fiona Simpson always argued passion-driven and with utter devotion. In a purely scientific environment, that would have made her lose most arguments inevitably. In a purely scientific argument, Dr, Calvin Thomas Kavanagh, who had learned to set his feelings aside in order to approach the problem at hand in the cold light of practicality, would have had the better cards to win.
In their current environment, however, under the rule of a politician and led by the gifted but eccentric (not to mention hysteric) Rodney McKay, he had no chance to win.
He was sick and tired of being the whipping boy of the science department. He was sick and tired of getting the crappy jobs and being cut off most of the really challenged projects. He was sick and tired of being underused and not appreciated, just because he 'lacked certain social skills', as people liked to call his refusal to tell white lies. Sometimes he asked himself in all earnesty whether the extra payment was truly worth having left his loved ones for good and living here among people who despised him.
Well, at least one person had found desirable qualities in him. Even though he was truly frightened to father another child – a daughter perhaps, who'd still inherit the defunct gene from him – the fact that Teyla had chosen him of all people filled him with absurd pride. The woman wasn't a fool – and he was already familiar with most expedition members. There were a handsome number of potential partners, eager and available and getting doe-eyed whenever in her company. And yet Teyla had chosen him.
But was he ready to become a father again? To take the risk of having an affected daughter? One in four thousand girls can be estimated to be affected, Beckett had said. And even if not, she would be a carrier. With a fifty per cent chance to pass the gene down to her children. Could he take that risk?
On the other hand, how could he pass on the chance to have another child? A new family? Sons, perhaps, who would be guaranteed to be healthy, unless Teyla had the gene, too? Could he give up the chance to end his desperate loneliness and finally belong to someone?
His fantasy gave him a vivid image that he would vehemently deny, should everyone find out about it. That of a little house on the mainland, with a slightly neglected garden, laughing children learning to wield the fighting sticks from their mother. And himself in the back yard, repairing some obscure piece of machinery…
He shook his head in disgust. This was getting ridiculous. That might be Zelenka's dream of a happy future, most certainly not his. He needed to claw into some scientific problem – or a really elaborate fight with Simpson – to get those absurd images out of his head.
To his dismay, he only found Petersen in the lab. On a regular day that wouldn't have been too bad. The Danish engineer was quiet and competent – and not a big fan of McKay, either. Right now, however, Kavanagh needed someone to fight with.
"Where's Simpson?" he asked.
"Called to the North Pier to check out some sort of machinery," Petersen replied in a bored tone. "McKay originally wanted you, so it must have been something disgusting," he added with a mirthless grin. "Your timing was perfect. Did Beckett send you back to work already?"
"No, I wanted to come back," Kavanagh said. "It was just an upset stomach – most likely stress-related."
"Small wonder when one has to work for McKay," Petersen commented dryly. "You okay now?"
"Sure. Sitting in my quarters would only give me cabin fewer. Make me crawl up the walls. What are you working on?"
"I'm analyzing some Genii data McKay managed to… organize from their planet," Petersen grinned, making the international gesture that symbolized stealing. "Do you want to take a look?"
"Sure, why not?" Kavanagh joined the other engineer, glancing at the data displayed on the viewscreen. "Hmmm… interesting."
They worked without a break until the end of the second shift, but the results were meager at best.
"Well, at least we might be able to detect underground Genii facilities, if we modify the jumper's sensors," Kavanagh finally said.
"Might being the key word here," Petersen grimaced. "But we shouldn't touch anything in the jumper system before consulting Zelenka."
"He won't like the idea," Kavanagh warned.
"Perhaps not," Petersen agreed, "but at least he is reasonable. Well, we can't do much more here today. I'm beat. You coming to grab some food in the mess hall?"
Kavanagh shook his head. "I'm not hungry."
"Yeah, right… your stomach," Petersen nodded. "You need to eat, though. At least some toast and tea."
"In the morning, perhaps," Kavanagh said, shutting off his laptop. "Thanks, Willem."
"What for?" Petersen shrugged, already on his way out. "Get better!"
Kavanagh returned to his quarters where he still had some Knäckebrod stashed. He hadn't lied when he told Petersen that he was not hungry – he was too nervous for that. But he knew he needed at least something in his stomach before starting to work out, unless he wanted to faint. Or 'pass out from manly hunger', as McKay had said about himself.
Sitting down at his desk, he began to chew on one last piece of an entire world now lost to him, and, powering up his laptop again, he pulled up the pictures of his children. He knew Liam would miss him more than little Tommy. Siobhan and Patrick were careful not to neglect the talented firstborn because of the needs of the younger, more dependent child, but let's face it, neither of them had the intellect that would match Liam's. Nor the interest for technical things, to be able to guide him. Calvin's only hope was that Dion, a talented computer geek, would be able to help the boy pursue his special interests.
Liam had understood why his father had to leave. That this was the only way to pay his special school for talented children, and for Tommy's therapy and rehabilitation. He was an exceptionally bright child. But that didn't mean he would not miss his father terribly. They used to be very close, two braniacs in a pretty average family.
Was it betrayal towards Liam and Tommy that their father was considering giving them a new sibling here, in this far-away place? Was it selfish that Calvin didn't want to be alone anymore? Assuming they were going to find a ZPM and so a way to make short visits at home, what would the family say to Calvin getting involved with an alien woman?
He snorted at the thought, realizing the he was being ridiculous. Even in the unlikely case that they got to visit their homes again, he'd never be allowed to speak about anything here. Including Teyla and any possible children with her.
Somehow, it made him sad. He imagined Liam's eyes sparkling at the news of his father living in a ten thousand year old city that could fly through space. Of machines that could be activated by mere thought. If anyone, Liam would appreciate the whole situation very much.
It was sad that he wasn't allowed to learn of the very thing that would have made him incredibly proud of his father. Ever.
The gentle but persistent shake of a small, warm hand on his shoulder woke him. Apparently, he had fallen asleep over his half-eaten piece of Knäckebrod and the children's picture. So much about working out today. Staying in form. Whatever.
He blinked several times to get his bearings, feeling a little embarrassed. It didn't happen often that he'd fall asleep over his laptop – at least outside the lab and with only one shift behind him. He looked right into the serene face of Teyla.
"Dr. Beckett gave me a clean bill of health," she said simply. "I do not have the defunct gene. We can do this or we can leave it. The choice is yours."
"You truly want to go through with this?" It wasn't really a question, but he wanted to offer her one last way out.
She nodded. "I do. I understand the risk involved, but there are always risks, in everything we do. I believe the advantages outweigh the risks, though."
Kavanagh hesitated for a moment. The silence grew heavy between them.
"Very well, he then said. "Let's do this. Hopefully, I'll follow the tendency and father a son again, so that we won't have to worry."
Teyla nodded. "Perhaps. Now, we need to be on that jumper tomorrow afternoon."
"Afternoon? I thought we were gonna start early in the morning."
"There was a change of plans," Teyla told him. "I realized that tomorrow is the eve of a traditional Athosian holiday – a strictly family matter – and we need to be there on the evening before."
"Is there truly a holiday?" Kavanagh asked suspiciously. She shook her head, eyes steady and unsmiling.
"No, there is not. Aside from what we are planning, that is. Creating a new life is the source of great joy for my people."
"That's certainly… nice, but how are we gonna get me on the jumper?" Kavanagh frowned. "Zelenka has been assigned to the task, and since he has family among your folk, he won't step back on my behalf."
Teyla interrupted him with a smile and a raised hand. "You worry too much. It has been taken care of. Dr. Beckett is scheduled to pilot the jumper – Major Sheppard wants him to hone his fighting skills – and he said something about needing a chemical analysis of the ground water near our settlement. He also said that you have a degree in chemistry."
"I do. But I've hardly ever used it, so far."
Does it matter? Dr, Beckett filed a request to take you along for the job."
"Becket is covering for us?" Kavanagh was in equal measure impressed and surprised. Teyla shrugged.
"He said it was part of doctor-patient confidentiality."
"Isn't that an amazingly expandable concept?" Kavanagh grinned. "But that still leaves us with the problem of Zelenka. The man is the worst gossip in Atlantis."
"He is also part of an Athosian household," Teyla said, "and understands the necessity of not carrying Athosian maters back to Atlantis. Trust me; he knows when to keep things to himself. Marta and Halling have trained him well."
"I'd still prefer if he didn't know," Kavanagh said sourly. "Not that I'd be ashamed of what we're gonna do – I just don't want the Atlantis rumour mill getting wind of it. It's not their goddamn business."
"Well, it would be a little hard to hide the scene when we clasp hands in front of the entire settlement," Teyla replied wryly.
"When we do what?" Kavanagh felt panic welling up in him. It was all too much, too soon.
"Calvin," Teyla said patiently, "for an Athosian child to have its rightful status in the tribe, its conception must be announced. This does not make you 'married' to me, as your people understand the founding of a new household. It only makes the parents of a particular child known to the tribe. It is a custom born out of the necessity to avoid inbreeding."
"And how in hell are we supposed to keep this to ourselves?" Kavanagh snapped. "With the entire frigging settlement knowing?"
"Not a single word about it will get back to Atlantis if you do not want it," Teyla said seriously. "By fathering my child, you will become one of us. And we protect our own, no matter against whom or what."
The concept of actually belonging to a group of people as close-knit as the Athosians were, did have its appeal, he had to admit that much. That the Athosians would simply accept him just because he'd agreed to give Teyla a child…. He was still a bit freaked out from the idea of the entire settlement knowing of it, but foreign galaxies were entitled to have foreign customs. As long as Zelenka kept his mouth shut.
"All right," he said, "but no word gets back to Atlantis, or the deal's off. I don't want Bates and his fellow blockheads making dirty jokes about my… performance."
Teyla inclined her head gracefully. "Not a word," she agreed.
PART 7
The shuttle flight to the mainland in the next afternoon was 'a wee bit tense', as Dr. Beckett would have put it, had he not been frightened to the death, like every single time he had to fly a jumper. Without exception. His natural distrust towards any sophisticated machinery that might or might not have a mind of its own had not been dampened the least by his natural ATA gene. On the contrary. In his opinion, every machine that could decide for whom to work and for whom not, was not to be trusted.
So the good doctor was sitting at the controls with a sweaty face and slightly glassy eyes, while Kavanagh and Zelenka exchanged sympathetic grins and mildly exasperated eye rolls behind his back. Both would have given an arm to fly a jumper, but as neither of them had the gene, there was just no way they could have taken over. Lieutenant Ford, not an ATA-carrier either, was sitting next to Beckett in the co-pilot's chair, to provide the poor man with some much-needed moral support.
When they finally reached the mainland (which took them about twenty minutes), Dr. Beckett was a nervous wreck, as always, and the two engineers were greatly relieved. Despite their general trust in Ancient failsafe mechanisms, flying with Beckett always made them nervous. Especially Zelenka, who had witnessed Beckett's first ever 'performance' with Ancient technology, back in Antarctica. Only Teyla didn't lose her calm, not for a minute.
"I need to talk to Halling first," she said to Kavanagh quietly, while they were leaving the jumper.
"What about Ford?" he asked, a little worried. "You didn't say anything about him coming with us."
"I did not know about it, either," Teyla replied. "It was one of those last-minute decisions Major Sheppard seems so fond of. But worry not, he will be properly distracted."
Before Kavanagh could ask what she meant, Anika, the blonde Athosian healer – the one with the tendency of wearing loose blouses with artificial tears on the shoulders and who always had her hair in a French twist on the nape of her neck – came running up to them. She took Ford's face into both hands and touched her forehead to his, in the characteristic Athosian gesture of fondness. Ford laughed and kissed her briefly.
"Oh," Kavanagh said. "I see what you mean."
Anika now turned to Beckett and repeated the gesture with him. Beckett, too, laughed and gave her a light peck on one cheek. Kavanagh felt his eyes bulge. Despite the seemingly casual greeting, there was an underlying familiarity between the three of them, and he wondered briefly which one might be intimate with the blonde woman. Age-wise Anika seemed to be somewhere between Beckett and Ford, so both could come in question.
"Different galaxies… different customs," Zelenka said quietly. "You will learn Athosian way, too, once you've married Teyla."
"I'm not gonna marry her," Kavanagh said indignantly. "We are jut going to have a baby together."
"Really?" Zelenka asked mildly. "May I ask why are you not marrying her? Athosians make great partners. Voice of experience speaking here."
"I don't believe in marriage," Kavanagh replied. "Tried it once; it didn't work out."
"Neither did mine," Zelenka said with one of those quirky little smiles of his. "Doesn't mean you can't try again."
"Oh, but I can't," Kavanagh replied with bitter irony. "I'll already spend uncountable ages in purgatory for having divorced my wife. Remarrying would make me burn in Hell, forever."
Zelenka blinked a few times owlishly. "Your really believe that?" he finally asked.
"Of course not, don't be an idiot," Kavanagh snapped. "It was just a reflection from my youth… an echo of my dear Dad."
"I see," for a while, Zelenka remained silent. Then he glanced up into the taller man's face and said seriously, "You should not listen to it. We are far from home and will probably never return. You are offered to have new home here, among these people – you should take on offer. They're good people – and if you want to have baby with Teyla, that baby will need father."
"I intend to take care of my child," Kavanagh snapped.
"I don't doubt it," Zelenka patted him on the forearm, "but it's easier when parents are together, yes? Think about it."
He gave Kavanagh another of those funny little smiles and walked away, straight into Marta's arms. The short, dark-haired woman touched foreheads with him, and then they kissed each other in Earth fashion, unhurriedly. Marta was quite visibly pregnant and accompanied by a taller, equally dark-haired woman of roughly Zelenka's age. Kavanagh remembered her. She was called Ireni and was the mother of Wex, the best friend of Halling's son, Jinto. The two boys came running up, to, hugging Zelenka affectionately, while Ireni touched foreheads with him. Knowing what he already knew of Athosian social structures, Kavanagh wondered for a moment what exactly the connection could be between them.
He didn't have much time to think about Zelenka's family, though, because Halling was already approaching him with Teyla on his side. The new leader of the Athosians touched his forehead to Kavanagh's, for the first time since they had first met. He barely needed to lean forward. Calvin was a tall man himself, although not as tall as Halling, of course. Nobody was as tall as Halling, and that mere fact gave the Athosian an air of natural authority.
"Doctor Kavanagh," Halling said in that soft, lilting voice of his, which always was surprising, coming from such a large, lean body. "I am glad to hear that you agreed to give Teyla – to give our people – a child. This is a day of great joy for us all. First Radek, and now you… bondmates coming from outside make a tribe stronger."
"We are not going to bond, Halling," Teyla reminded him. "We are only having a child together. Calvin has… other responsibilities back home, for another family."
"You are bonded?" Halling asked in surprise.
"I used to be," Kavanagh replied curtly. "I'm not anymore."
But Halling wasn't easily dismissed. "Do you have children, too?"
"Halling," Teyla interfered, her discomfort apparent. "This is not our concern. He is not joining us fully, as Radek has."
"I don't mind him asking," Kavanagh shrugged. "I have two sons. They live with my sister's family."
"Two sons?" Halling said. "You are fortunate. Should your people find a way home, you must bring your sons here to visit us… or to live with you and Teyla as a family."
"Halling," Teyla interrupted uncomfortably, "This is not as easy as you might think."
"Perhaps not," the gentle giant stared at them with persistent hazel eyes. "But perhaps things are simple, and it is only you who make everything complicated."
"Perhaps," Kavanagh said, knowing all too well that he was not an easy case. "Let's focus on the immediate things first, though. Is there some sort of ritual we need to perform?"
"There is," Halling said, "but it is a simple one. A bonfire will be built, and the two of you will stand in front of everyone and clasp hands, and I shall call all to witness."
"How is it different from the bonding ceremony?" Kavanagh asked with a frown. Halling smiled.
"To be bonded, you need to say the words that make you a household, in front of the entire community."
"What are those words?" Kavanagh asked.
A faint sadness crept into Halling's smile at that, and Kavanagh remembered that Jinto had no mother. She was dead, presumably taken by the Wraith, like so many others. There was no family here that had not suffered such a loss.
"I choose you, for my heart longs for you, and I am incomplete without you," Halling quoted. "I want to hunt with you and to fight alongside you and share my water with you. And I want to become as one with you, so that our lives would continue in our children and make our people strong. Those are the words of bonding. For your announcement, there are no time-honoured words. You will have to think of something proper to say."
"I'll do my best," Kavanagh said, and Halling nodded.
"Very well. I shall have everything organized for the ritual at sunset. Ireni will come and make you ready when the time has come."
"Make me ready for what?" Kavanagh asked in suspicion. Halling gave his field grab a disapproving look.
"You cannot participate in a ritual wearing that," he said sternly. "We shall provide something appropriate. Ireni has a very good taste in such things."
The idea of being put into the Athosian equivalent of a tuxedo didn't exactly made Kavanagh happy. But he knew from long-time experience with his sister when not to argue about appearances. He sighed and gave in, and Halling left to give the necessary instructions for the upcoming festivities.
They still had several hours till sunset, hours that Kavanagh used to actually do the chemical analysis on the water of the small river and the lake near the Athosian settlement. It was slow and boring work, not exactly suited to take his mind off what was about to come, and his anxiety grew steadily. He knew what he should do; somewhere deep down he even wanted to make that final step – but he was also afraid. Well, terrified would have been a better word for it. To make such an announcement, in front of the entire Athosian settlement, plus in the presence of Beckett and Zelenka (and perhaps Ford, too), was… Too soon, too fast, too much, he repeated the mantra in his mind, not for the first time in the recent forty-eight hours.
He had barely finished working when Ireni and two other, younger women whose names he didn't know, came to prepare him for the ceremony. They led him to the tent that served as a sweat lodge and cooked him there for about an hour or so. Then they poured buckets of cold water over his head, nearly causing him a heart attack, and rubbed him dry, not all too gently. Finally, they brought him Athosian clothes – based on the size, he guessed those had to belong to Halling – and insisted to let his hair down, coiffing him in the fashion the few Athosian men with long hair usually wore. He felt completely ridiculous, like a character from some Sword-and-Sorcery movie, but Ireni seemed satisfied.
"You are a very handsome man when dressed up properly," she judged, performing the last little touches. "Our fashion suits you better than Earth clothing. You should wear Athosian clothes more often."
For a completely insane moment, Kavanagh imagined himself walking into McKay's lab, wearing this very attire. He could practically see the annoying chief scientist sputtering in indignation – and Zelenka guffawing in the background. Simpson's jaw would hit the floor, rendering her speechless for the first time since he'd known her… Yes, he definitely liked the image, even if it was purely theoretical, because he would never do that.
"And you should smile more," Ireni added. Kavanagh's only answer was a snort. As if smiling would change anything.
Darkness was falling quickly when they returned to the gathering place of the settlement: a rectangular place that was surrounded by tents on all four sides. The bonfire was burning already in a ring built of large boulders in the middle of the square, and the Athosians were gathered around it, laughing and chatting and apparently having a good time.
Teyla, clad in what had to go as an evening dress among her people, stood there, with Halling on her side, waiting. In the crowd, Kavanagh could make out the faces of Zelenka and Beckett but no trace of Ford, at least not yet. Well, that was a relief. He didn't want anyone else to know about this. Not anyone else on Atlantis, that is.
As Ireni led him to Halling, there was a joyous murmur among the spectators. It irritated him a little, because he was simply going to get Teyla pregnant, for fuck's sake, not about to perform some sort of weird fertility ritual or whatnot. How could Zelenka bear the ridiculous suspicions of these people? And the man called himself a scientist?
Halling raised a hand and people became silent, staring at them with happy anticipation.
"My friends," Halling announced, "I call you to witness the union of Teyla and Calvin today, which will begin here, before your very eyes. May it be fulfilled in their children and may it make our people strong."
The Athosians cheered and clapped their hands, some of the younger boys even whistled loudly. It sounded ridiculously like the crowd firing on the players of a football game, and that irritated Kavanagh, too. Still, he had his wits around him enough not to give any outer sign of his irritation.
"Clasp hands and declare your intentions," Halling said.
Teyla smiled and proffered her hand to Kavanagh who accepted it, after one last moment of hesitation.
"I choose you, Calvin, because you are strong and smart and honest," she said, and he thought he'd never seen her more beautiful than right now, with her eyes dark and mysterious and her smile so warm, so intimate. "I want that in my children. You are a brave man who has come a long way for your loved ones and for the things in which you believe. I want that in my children, too. I know that the customs of our people are different from yours, and I thank you for doing this for me… and for our folk."
She was still smiling, and he lost himself in that smile for a moment, before someone gave him a nudge to remain him that it was his turn to speak now. He opened his mouth nervously. The truth was, the whole afternoon had not been enough for him to come up with anything sensible to say, and he felt a slight panic rose in the pit of his stomach. Yet all of a sudden, he heard himself speaking, saying words he had never intended to say. Or so he'd thought anyway.
"I choose you because my heart longs for you," he began, and at once, the crowd became utterly silent, only the crackling of the fire could be heard. This sudden, intense attention made him insecure and he felt his throat tightening, unable to continue.
"If you truly want to turn this into a bonding ceremony, you must speak the words," Halling warned him in a low voice; he was the only who didn't seem surprised at all. "Do you remember the correct phrasing?"
Kavanagh nodded nervously, still unable to speak.
"Do you want to go all the way?" Halling asked.
Kavanagh nodded again.
"Then you must speak, now," Halling said.
Kavanagh cleared his throat, more loudly than it was necessary. He had started this, he'd have to finish it. There was no backing off now, not anymore. And if he wanted to be honest, he didn't even want to back off. Zelenka had been right. Just because his marriage with Bethany had ended in a disaster, it didn't mean he could not have a second chance. And Teyla was strong. She wouldn't run away, should something not turn out as expected. Together, they could make this work.
He looked into her dark, beautiful eyes and felt his nerves calm down, unexpectedly. She had chosen him. She wanted this, wanted him. What was there to fear? Well, aside from hostile aliens want to eat them all or to blow them up, but that was another matter entirely.
"I am incomplete without you," he said slowly, trying to remember the words Halling had quoted earlier in the afternoon. Some of them were fairly anachronistic for him, but they were very real for the Athosians, so he had to put aside his embarrassment and simply say them, no matter how ridiculous they sounded in his 21st-century ears. "I want to hunt with you and to fight alongside you and share my water with you. And I want to become as one with you, so that our lives would continue in our children and make our people strong. Do you want this, too?"
"I do," Teyla said in a strong, even voice, although the surprise was still clearly written in her exotic features.
"Then before the eyes of these witnesses, I declare this new household as founded," Halling announced. "May your bond remain true and may the blessing of the Ancestors remain with you."
Athosian ceremonies apparently didn't contain the part where the groom would be allowed to kiss the bride, but Kavanagh didn't need any special encouragement. Teyla's mouth was soft and pliant under his, revealing nothing of the hidden strength of this determined woman, and he thought that perhaps this wasn't a mistake, after all.