OOOO
Part 2
Mac and Harm sat out on the back veranda with Trish as they watched Cathy wade in the water. The waves would wash in around her feet, and then retreat again. Cathy stood motionless, paralyzed by one thought that echoed through her mind.
"I wish it would take me with it."
Up on the veranda, Trish asked Harm and Mac,
"Has she spoken about it at all?"
Mac sadly shook her head and Harm added, "The last time she spoke at all, was as we were leaving D.C."
Trish was really worried about Catriona and told Harm and Mac so.
"She hasn't gotten any better since the three of you got here. She isn't the same person I saw, even after she got out of the hospital after the accident. It's like there's no one there anymore. Her eyes are empty. I haven't seen her like this since her parents died."
After thinking for a while, Trish asked them both, "Did you ever consider, taking her to see a counselor?"
Mac just shook her head, telling Trish,
"We tried, in fact it was something that her social worker suggested, but Cathy always refused."
On the beach below, Cathy continued to stare out to the sea, then looked up as a flock of seagulls floated on the air above her, then passed overhead and headed out to sea. Cathy noted that they seemed so weightless, so free, without a care in the world as they shrunk into dots in the distance. She lifted both of he arms out to them, uttering a silent plea as tears escaped her eyes and ran a path down either side of her face.
"Take me with you."
OOOO
That evening, after eating dinner in uncomfortable silence, Cathy left the table. Trish watched in silence as Cathy emptied the rest of her dinner into the trash and put her plate and cutlery into the dishwasher. She climbed the stairs and retreated to her bedroom, closing the door quietly. Afterwards, Trish told Harm and Mac about a very good psychiatrist in town, whom she had been told about by a friend.
"She's only three doors down from the gallery, but I never even knew she was there. Judy says that she's very good. Judy's had so much trouble since her husband passed away last spring, the poor woman. Now I know that Catriona wouldn't be too keen on going to see her, but I think she will agree to it after a bit of persuasion."
Mac just smiled at Trish and told her,
"I think I'll just see how tomorrow goes, before I ask anything."
Trish agreed that they should sleep on it then give it some more consideration the next day.
"There's no point in trying to push the issue."
"No," Mac agreed, thinking back to another point in her life, when she had done just that; in Australia. In fact, that had been what had gotten them into this mess in the first place.
OOOO
Upstairs, Catriona opened the door to the bathroom and proceeded to wash her face and brush her teeth. After giving her mouth a final rinse, she opened the bathroom cabinet, looking for her mouthwash. However, as she looked up, her gaze froze on the full bottle of sleeping pills.
OOOO
Mac came upstairs to get ready for bed, to find that Cathy was in the bathroom. She went back into her room for ten minutes, and then checked again, to find that Catriona was still in the bathroom. More than a little concerned, she knocked on the door a couple of times, asking,
"Cathy? Sweetheart, is everything okay in there?"
Upon getting no answer, she tested the handle to find the door firmly locked. Just then, Harm walked up behind Mac and asked her, "What's wrong?"
She's been in there for at lest ten minutes."
"Did you knock?"
"Yeah, she didn't answer me," Mac told him. Just as he reached out to try the door handle, it twisted open and Cathy emerged.
"Sorry," she apologized, "it's all yours. I think I'm just going to go to bed. I'm so tired, I think I may just go to sleep and never wake up again."
Mac just smiled as Cathy gave her a big hug, just like old times. Then, she turned to bed, but turned back, fishing out something out of her robe pocket.
"Oh, here are your sleeping pills, Mac. They were mixed up with some of my stuff in my toilet bag. I thought that you might need them."
As Cathy disappeared into her room, Mac just looked at the full bottle, then turned her worried gaze towards Harm. She saw the concern she felt mirrored in her eyes.
OOOO
Harm and Mac sat out on the veranda, watching as Catriona stood at the banister, pitching small pebbles over the side, watching as they fell to the beach below. She seemed transfixed as she watched them fall through the air.
"Don't get too close, sweetie," Mac told her and she just nodded wordlessly in reply, then wandered around to the side entrance to the kitchen.
After a few minutes, Mac brought up the subject of the psychiatrist that Trish had mentioned, a lady called Dr. de Young.
"Well," Harm commented, "she seems to be doing better today. At least she's talking today. I couldn't shut her up at breakfast!"
Mac smiled, but could shake off the feeling that something was wrong. She couldn't put her finger on it, but after the incident with the sleeping pills the night before, her unconsciousness was toying with the idea that Catriona might be thinking about hurting herself as a way of escaping the pain she was feeling. Hesitating a bit, then reminding herself that she could talk to her best friend about anything, she confessed this fear to Harm. Instead of brushing her off or scoffing at her, as Mic Brumby would have, he nodded understandingly.
"She's been through so much than any person should have to. And she has to live with that every day of her life."
"I don't think she can deal with all this on her own," Mac told Harm.
He agreed and told her, "I'll get my Mom to get the doctor's number from Judy and we'll make an appointment for tomorrow."
Just then, Trish came out of the kitchen with a tray of sandwiches and drinks for lunch. As she headed back to the kitchen, Harm stopped her and told her of his and Mac's decision.
"I'll give Judy a call after lunch," she promised them. As she returned to the kitchen, Harm asked her, "Could you send Cathy out when you're in the kitchen with her. We're going to need to talk to her about this."
Confused, Trish turned back and told them, "But Cathy's not in the kitchen. I thought that she was out here with you."
"But we saw her go in the side entrance of the kitchen," Mac replied.
"She never came into the kitchen," Trish told them. Harm and Mac quickly stood up and walked over to the side of the veranda. When they got there, Mac could see that if she hadn't gone into the kitchen, the only other way Cathy could have gone was over the banister and along the cliff side. She followed the coastline, until she saw that Cathy about two hundred meters away, standing incredibly close to the cliff's edge.
"Harm!" Mac told him, alarmed. Harm followed her gaze until he spotted the figure on the cliff's edge.
Within a second, he and Mac had scaled the veranda railing and were running across the distance to the Cliffside. By the time they got there, Cathy was right at the edge of the cliff, staring off into the blue sky. The wind whipped her long hair around her face and she didn't seem to notice Harm and Mac at all. Even as Harm and Mac tried to persuade her back, a small smile played on her lips as she lifted her hands towards the sky and closed her eyes, swaying slightly with the wind. Mac's heart leapt into her mouth as she and Harm gasped and took a step closer. Then, as suddenly as she had lifted her arms, she dropped them and sat down on the ledge, dangling her legs over the side.
As Harm reached her and hooked an arm around the front of her shoulders, she commented,
"It's pretty, isn't it?"
"Yeah, but I'd much rather you saw it from further back, Cath."
He carefully hooked his arm under Cathy's knees and lifted her, carrying her back to where Mac stood.
Mac ran a hand through Cathy's hair, as if to assure herself that she was really there and not just a figment of her imagination.
Once they were back on the veranda, Mac asked Cathy,
"Are you okay, sweetie?"
Cathy answered them, in a voice that was so quiet, they had to strain to hear her.
"I don't know…"
OOOO
Cathy sat in the large armchair, staring silently out of the window. Dr Shauna de Young sat beside her, not pushing Cathy into anything she wasn't able to talk about yet. After a moment, she spoke up.
"So, you live with Harm and Mac in D.C.?"
"Yeah, but most of the time I stay at Mac's place. Sometimes I go over to Harm's."
At Dr. de Young puzzled glance, she told the woman, "Harm and Mac don't live together, they're just partners at work. Don't worry, a lot of people make that mistake. "
"Oh, they really had me convinced there."
"Yeah, well I definitely think that there's something more there, but they refuse to hear of it."
"When did you first come to live with Mac?"
"On a permanent basis?"
"Yeah."
"About six months ago, when I got out of hospital."
"Were you sick?"
"No, I was recovering from an attack. My Uncle was an alcoholic and one night he attacked me. With a softball bat."
The doctor looked shocked at this.
"Were you badly hurt?"
"Broken bones, punctured lung. I spent six weeks in a coma and on a life support machine. But eventually the bones and the physical scars healed."
"What about the scars that don't show, the emotional ones?"
"They're still there. They're always there."
"They will just take longer to heal," Dr de Young told Catriona.
"Every time I think that they're finally gone, something comes to rip them open again."
"And they hurt just as much as when they were first inflicted, don't they?"
"Yeah, they do," Cathy told her, sniffing and wiping her eyes.
OOOO
Catriona sat on the beach, making small sandcastles. She would build them up, add a couple of fancy touches, such as pebbles or shells, then demolish them and start again.
After watching her from the veranda for a while, Trish walked down the pathway to the beach, to join her. She sat with her for a minute before speaking.
"Mac told me that you've lived in a lot of different countries. Is that how you managed to learn so many languages?"
"Uh-huh. But even within a country, we didn't stick around in the same place for very long. We'd move every couple of weeks. At first I had quite a bit of trouble with the different dialects."
"You must have felt very unsettled, being moved around like that," Trish commented.
"Yeah, I guess, but it's not a problem for me anymore."
"Why's that," Trish asked her.
"Because I don't let it get to me. I don't let myself feel anymore."
With that, Catriona stood up and walked away along the water's edge as Trish watched on sadly.
OOOO
That Sunday, Harm and Mac walked out onto the veranda dressed in their swimsuits, ready to take a swim in the sea.
"You coming?" Harm asked Catriona and his Mother.
"No thank you, Darling," Trish told them from her place next to Cathy.
"No thanks," Cathy told Harm, "Your Mom was just about to show me the photo album. She says that there are some crackers of you!"
"Forget swimming, I'd rather see these photos!" Mac joked as Harm groaned.
"I believe your Mom said something about one of you in your birthday suit!" Cathy added, grinning.
Harm groaned as he grabbed Mac's arm and pulled her to the stairs, "Quick, let's get out of here!"
Mac just laughed as Trish shouted, "Don't worry Mac, darling, you'll get to see these later!"
They were still laughing when they got down to the beach. As they took off, their t-shirts and shorts, Harm joked to Mac, "My Mother, ladies and gentlemen!"
"I still wish that my Mom was like yours," Mac told him. Sympathetically, he took her hand in his, as he pulled her towards the inviting water.
"Come on," he told her, "Last one in the water's a rotten egg.'
OOOO
Cathy and Trish sat up on the veranda, watching Harm and Mac play in the waves. They swam out as far as they could, but still remain standing, then swam in the large waves, bracing themselves as another wave hit them. After a while, Mac began to tire and Harm put his arm around her waist to offer some support. As Mac began to relax, she clung to Harm as he swam out further.
"You all right Mac?" he asked her.
She nodded as she linked her arms around Harm's neck and he easily supported her slim frame in his arms. Each of them lost themselves in their own little world, comfortable in each other's embrace.
OOOO
Up on the veranda, Cathy and Trish watched Harm and Mac in the waves.
"I've been asking him for so long to bring Mac with him," Trish told Cathy, "every time I've been to D.C., she's all he talks about. Mac this, Mac that. Right from the day they were paired together, he'd call me to tell about her;
'Hey, Mom, you'll never guess who pulled me into a helicopter, today…'
And when Harm disappeared to Russia, I couldn't sleep at all, until the Admiral called me, to let me know that Mac had gone with him, 'to watch his six.'"
At this, Catriona laughed to herself, thinking about Mac 'watching Harm's six' because she knew that Mac did just that, particularly when he was in dress whites and thought no one else was looking!
At this point, Catriona added to Trish's observation,
"And then they start sending psychic messages with a single look!"
She and Trish laughed and Cathy continued,
"But as much a I tried, I could never get the two of them together, even after Harm got rid of Renee and when Mic was in Australia."
Trish looked back out to the ocean, where Harm and Mac were getting pretty cozy.
Turning to Catriona, she observed, "Well, it doesn't look like they're going to need much of a push. It seems that they're slowly drifting together by themselves. I always believed that it would happen, one day."
At this, they decided to give Harm and Mac a bit of privacy, so they moved into the living room.
Turning to Cathy, Trish told the girl,
"Harm, Mac, Frank and I are thinking about going to a special service at church later this evening. Would you like to come with us?"
Trish could see Cathy visibly stiffen and become uncomfortable as she contemplated.
"I don't know…I'm not really a religious person…I was never really raised that way…not to say that I was raised by a pack of wild animals or anything…well close enough really...but, I don't think…"
"Oh, it's just a small service, not very long," Trish assured her, "Mac will be there, we can leave any time you want."
At this, Cathy reluctantly agreed, then went to her room to get changed. She had no idea what to wear to this kind of thing.
OOOO
As they climbed back up the steep pathway to the house, Mac shivered at the feel of Harm's hand on the small of her back, supporting her and encouraging her on.
"We'd better get you in," Harm told her, misinterpreting her reaction, as coldness.
As they walked in, they were greeted by Trish.
"Darlings! You must be frozen! Quick, change out of those wet clothes before you catch pneumonia! Frank will be back at five, and then we'll leave for the six o'clock service at about five fifteen. Afterwards, we can get some dinner in town. I've even managed to get Cathy to come."
"She agreed to come?" Mac exclaimed, "I could never get her to even walk by a church in D.C. She's always been very uncomfortable in religious situations, even in the cemetery where her parents are buried."
"Yes," Trish recalled, "I remember that! Did she ever get any better at going?"
"No," Harm told her, "I went with her a couple of times, but she gripped onto my hand both times. I had no feeling in my arm by the time I got out of there!"
"I hope she manages alright tonight. I don't want to push her too far before she's ready."
OOOO
In the car, Cathy was silent. Mac tried to get her comfortable and sat holding her hand, but apart from a tight squeeze and a shuffle to get closer to the protection of Mac's arms, Cathy remained motionless. To try and quell Catriona's nerves, Mac got Harm, Trish and Frank to tell them a bit about the church.
"I remember, when I was young, I could never wait to go to church every Sunday," Harm told them, "While my parents would sit in the pews, listening to the priest deliver the sermon, I would go up to one of the classrooms for Sunday school. All of these other children and I would listen to the teacher read stories out of the bible and we'd all sing songs. I think my favorite song was called "Father Abraham", or something like that. The room was covered with big, colorful pictures and one week we cut out a big paper ark for the wall. Each person had to draw a pair of animals, one pair for each letter of the alphabet, to 'put in this ark.' I remember, no one else could think of an animal that began with 'A', so I drew a big picture of a pair of Aardvarks. I felt so proud of myself!"
Just then, Frank spoke up, "Oh and Trish, do you remember that time when Harm was about seven? We had come down for the Christmas Eve mass and Harm fell asleep, stretched out on the pew. You were so worried that he'd start snoring in the middle of the sermon! Afterwards, I had to carry him out to the car!"
They all laughed, as Harm turned three shades of red.
"They never fail to tell that story!" Harm told Mac, still slightly embarrassed.
"Just don't fall asleep on me tonight, flyboy! There's no was I'm carrying you out to the car, now! " Mac laughed.
"I thought you were a big, strong Marine!" Harm jokingly taunted.
"I'm a marine, not a miracle worker! I don't move mountains!" Mac joked back.
'There's no chance I'd fall asleep tonight,' Harm thought to himself, as he stole a sideways glance at Mac. She was wearing a blue strappy dress with skirt just above her knees and a blue cardigan over the top.
"She makes that dress look good," Harm thought to himself.
Cathy, who resolved that she would try to make it through the night for Harm and Mac and not spoil their evening, did not miss Harm's glance.
OOOO
The church service was only about halfway through and Cathy thought that her heart would beat out of her chest. She nervously flipped through the Bible on her lap and tried not to think of the huge stained glass windows around her. To most people, who viewed God and Jesus as loving, protecting figures, it might seem irrational, but it was simply due to the way she had been brought up. As sweat dripped from Cathy's brow and she nervously fidgeted in her seat, Mac looked over worriedly to Harm. Cathy's nervous disposition had not gone unnoticed by anyone that evening and Mac was beginning to think that maybe she had pushed Cathy a little bit too far, too fast. In her head, Cathy chanted the same mantra, over and over again;
"I'm doing this for Harm and Mac."
More time passed and the end of the service drew closer, but by this time, Cathy was struggling to keep her breath and not hyperventilate.
Finally, Cathy realized that if she didn't get out of there, she was going to pass out. Quickly, she rose from her seat at the pew, not noticing Harm, Mac, Trish and Frank look over in alarm. She fled from the church, with its huge stained glass windows depicting the disciples of God, from the large cross bearing a crucified Jesus. She didn't stop running until she reached the car and once she caught her breath, she allowed the tears to fall freely. She didn't hear Mac approach behind her as she leaned across the cold metal of the car.
"Cathy, honey? Are you alright?" Mac asked softly.
"I'm sorry Mac, but I just couldn't do it," Cathy replied to Mac, sobbing.
"Hey! It's okay," Mac told her, hugging her close and planting a kiss into her hair, "No body expects you to be perfect the first time. That's the service finishing now. You nearly made it the whole way through."
"I thought I was going to pass out," Cathy told her.
OOOO
The next session, after hearing of the of the church incident, Dr. de Young tried to get to the source of the problem.
"So I hear that you have a bit of a problem with churches."
"It's not just churches," Cathy told her, "it's any place of religious significance. I've always been that way, but lately, it's gotten worse."
"Cathy, do you mind if I ask you if you're at all religious? Were you brought up following a certain religion?"
"No, I was never brought up with a particular religion. Most of the time, I was in a Catholic or Christian environment, but what I learned about religion, I learned from friends."
"Didn't your parents follow a religion?"
"My parents were Catholic, but I didn't grow up with them. I was taken from them when I was two."
"That's right and you were returned when you were sixteen?"
Cathy nodded.
"Did you ever go to church with your parents?"
"No, they never forced me to go with them if I said I didn't want to. And I wasn't living with them long before the hurricane. We didn't have a chance to do a lot of stuff as a family."
"I know that it's painful for you to recall the event, but could you tell me about the night that the hurricane hit? You'll often find that find that it helps to get things off your chest, helps you to talk about it."
After a bit of hesitation, Catriona consented, "Okay…"
"Just take it slow," Dr de Young told her.
Catriona thought for a minute and then proceeded.
"That night, a few of my cousins decided to camp out in the back yard and I was going to go with them, but changed my mind at the last minute. I wasn't feeling well, so I slept upstairs in the guest bedroom with my Mom. Dad was on the couch downstairs and Aunt Janice and Uncle Peter were in the room above him. I read that when the hurricane hit, that was the first part of the house to go, because it was an extension that had been built on the year before. Uncle James and Aunt Lynn, Uncle Robb and Aunt Laura, Uncle Steve and Aunt Bella were in the other guest rooms and their younger kids, Alan, Randy, Ellie, Jaycee and Jen were sleeping with them. My other cousins Matt, Jane, Alicia, Steven and Jenna were outside in the tent. Mom woke me up and the house was shaking. Uncle Robb tried to get downstairs and out of the house to grab all the kids in the tent, but none of us could find our way down the stairs, because all the electricity had gone out. By that time, the extension of the house had collapsed and we couldn't find my Dad, Aunt Janice and Uncle Peter. Somehow, Uncle Steve somehow managed to find a flashlight and when we looked outside, the hurricane was on the beach, behind the house. The tent was blown away and my cousins were trying to find a place to shelter, because they couldn't get back into the house. All the doors were locked. My Mom and I were on the stairs when the hurricane hit the house and all the windows were blown in. My Aunt Lauren started screaming and the younger kid were crying. I think flying glass caught them.
Something must have hit me on the head, because the next thing I can remember is waking up in a field, tangled up in all of this debris. I climbed out and managed to find my Mom to the side of me, but I couldn't move her because she was pinned under all of the debris. I think she must have landed on something because she had this awful wound to her stomach. I grabbed some rags that were lying around and held them to the wound, to try and stop the bleeding. But it was so bad that she bled out in a matter of minutes. When I was being flown to Bethesda, all I could think about was how I had let her die. Her blood was all over my pajamas and on my hands…"
At this, Dr de Young asked her, "When did you learn about the rest of your family."
"When I got to Bethesda. A nurse came and took me into a room and told me. I freaked out and ran out, but I got lost in all of those endless hallways. That's when Mac found me."
"After that, you went to live with your Uncle Jim, right?"
"Uh huh," Cathy nodded.
"How long were you there before he started beating you?"
"He beat me the very first night I was there. At first, his girlfriend Linda used to help me, but her would hit her around too, so after a while, I had to learn how to just stay out of his way."
"Did you try to talk to anyone, get help?"
"Jim knew everyone in town. I tried going to one of my teachers, but Jim found out about it and beat me black and blue."
"Harm and Mac never knew about what was going on?"
"No. I tried calling Mac once, but Jim caught me. From then on, if Mac called me, he'd monitor my calls, so I couldn't tell her anything. Whenever my social worker would come to visit, he'd act the part of the loving Father figure and force Linda to do the same. When Linda finally left, he told people that she was visiting her sick Mother. He told me that I was the reason she left, that she was so sick of my trouble making that she decided to split and cut her losses. When I ran away, the town sheriff caught me and took me back to The House. That was when Jim came after me.
"You call your Uncle's home, 'the house.' Did you ever consider it 'home' at all?"
"No, it was never a home. It was never one of those loving homes, like out of a movie. It was more like a prison. Every minute spent there was a minute spent in misery. I was constantly walking on eggshells, constantly afraid for my life. What kind of life is that?"
Shauna paused a moment and took in the tragic figure before her.
"How on earth could someone live this way?" she asked herself, "Hell, this was no kind of life at all." She then continued to search further,
"I know this may sound a bit strange, but do you believe in God? Do you believe that God has a reason for all things that happen?"
Cathy thought for a moment, and then replied, "That may be so, but I've always believed that, for me, there is no God. If there is, he must really hate me. I've prayed a lot in my life, but it always seemed that my prayers were never answered."
"How about when you got your family back?" Shauna pointed out.
"Only to have them taken away from me again," Catriona reminded her," and what about the torment I went through when I was living with Uncle Jim? Surely no just God would leave me like that? Where was He when my family was killed? Where was He when Jim was knocking me across the room? Some nights, I was in so much pain, I had to struggle just to climb into bed. Other times, I didn't even have the strength to crawl out of his way. God wasn't the one beside me when I woke up from that coma."
By now, Cathy was sniffling and in tears.
"But what about Harm and Mac? Now you have them in your life. I can't give you reasons why you've been through what you have, but I can see that now, you've got someone in your life who will always love and care for you."
"But all my life, those sort of people never stuck around. All of the good things have always been taken away again and I don't think I could let Harm and Mac get too close. Not when they're only going to be taken away again, I couldn't bare it."
At this stage, Shauna found that she couldn't reply, but sat silently trying herself to come to terms with what she had heard in the last hour. It was obvious that there were deeper issues here, which would have to be talked about with Harm and Mac, before any of them would have a chance at healing
OOOO
Shauna spent a lot of the end of the session convincing Catriona to go along with the idea of group therapy.
"But I couldn't tell you most of what I feel, in front of Harm and Mac."
"Why is that?" Shauna asked her, "Do you feel like you can't trust them? That would be completely understandable, considering what you've been through…"
"Oh no," Catriona insisted, " I trust Harm and Mac more than anyone, which is something quite remarkable, because a hardly trust anyone. But I don't want to burden them with this. What I feel would hurt them and I don't want to do that."
"But by not talking to them, maybe you're still hurting them. Trust and confidence is something that bonds people together and I don't think Harm and Mac feel like they are getting that. Besides, this is too heavy a load for you to carry on your own. Even I can only help you with so much. By doing this, you'll all be getting some much needed closure on issues from the past."
"Yeah," Catriona conceded, " I guess this is a good idea, for all of us."
OOOO
The next week, Harm, Mac and Catriona showed up at Dr. de Young's office, all a bit nervous about what was about to take place.
"There's no need for any of you to worry," Shauna told them, "First of all, I'm going to lay a couple of ground rules. While we're here, I want you to feel as comfortable as possible. Call me Shauna, not doctor and when a person is talking, let them finish. Lastly, I know that this is hard for you all, but I feel that getting these issues out in the open will help you all. Now, Harm and Mac, I know that neither of you really knows what Catriona and I have been discussing, but I just want to get an idea of what you are feeling, then perhaps I can get an answer for your questions, from what Catriona's been telling me. Nobody here has to worry about the impact of what they are saying. This session is simply for getting to the truth. I think everybody here is deserving of no less. Now Harm and Mac, if you could use a word to describe what you are feeling, what would it be?"
Without having to think, Harm and Mac spoke up simultaneously.
"Helpless." Shauna indicated for them to elaborate further. Mac continued, "I see Cathy struggling through everything on her own and I don't know what to do, how to help her."
"Do you ever feel like Cathy doesn't want to confide in you?"
"Yes, sometimes," Mac admitted, honestly.
"Would you like to respond to that, Cathy?" Shauna asked her.
"Okay… Well I guess I'd like you two to know that I trust you both beyond a shadow of a doubt, more than anybody, but some things I feel unable to tell anybody, even Shauna."
"There are a lot of things, which Cathy and I have discussed which you have yet to know about, but Cathy also has issues that I don't even know about. Cathy, tell Harm and Mac what you told me, about why you don't tell them things."
"Because what I'd tell you would hurt you, and I never, never want to do that. I owe you more than that."
Harm and Mac struggled to come to terms with this. Mac spoke up, finally.
"Harm and I look at it exactly the opposite way around. If anything, we owe you."
At Shauna and Cathy's questioning glances, Harm elaborated,
"Mac and I feel like we aren't always there for you when you need us the most."
Cathy responded to this by saying, "But there was no way you could control what happened…there was no way you could do that. What counted was the fact that you stood by me throughout it all. I mean, fate didn't really give you a lot to work with, but you managed to make it all work anyway. You guys were wonderful. I couldn't have gotten this far without you."
"Well," Mac responded, "sometimes I feel like I don't know what to do, like I'm powerless to help you. And I'm so afraid you're going to lose yourself to this and we won't be able to help you."
Harm nodded in agreement.
Cathy sat and deliberated for a second, then told them, "But you do help me. You're my anchor. I fight this for you. I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you."
Catriona smiled wistfully as she thought for a minute.
"You're my rock."
OOOO
That night, the group decided that it would be fun to have a campout on the beach. They put out a few sleeping bags that Harm had left over from cub scouts and brought marshmallows to roast over an open fire. Trish organized a big banquet out on the veranda for dinner, before the small group headed out to begin the festivities on the beach. Ghost stories were told around the open fire while the marshmallows were toasted to a golden brown. After a while, Mac arose and told the group that she was going to take a walk along the water's edge. After walling away for a few minutes, she turned around to walk back. Harm met her partway back.
"I think it's going pretty well, don't you? We should do this more often, it's fun, isn't it?"
Mac nodded, but added, "But there's still so much I wish I could do. There so much I wish I could say, but…but I can't …I can't find the words."
"I know Mac," Harm told her, and then added, "What is it that you want to say?"
"I just …found it so easy to talk to her when she was in the hospital, when I knew that she couldn't hear me. Now, I just don't know what to say, to explain myself."
"I think you should just tell her what you feel. Just tell her what's in your heart. She'll understand."
As Harm and Mac neared the fire, a breeze carried the distant notes of a very familiar melody to their ears. They both froze as they realized that it was the lullaby that Mac had sung to Cathy in the hospital.
"That's…that's…the song!" Mac stammered.
"I know," Harm replied.
As they reached the fireside, Catriona looked up and noticed their shocked faces.
"You heard me?" Mac asked, "You heard me when you were in the coma?"
"Yeah," Cathy told replied, "I heard everything you said. Everything was dark and I couldn't find my way back, but every time I felt like giving up, you were there to pick me up again. Your voices were my lifeline."
They remained silent for a couple of moments, then Catriona spoke up, "Do you want to hear the rest of it?"
"Where did you learn it? Is it a lullaby" Harm asked, thinking about the tone of the song "Were you living in Portugal?"
"Uh-huh," Cathy replied, once she had finished, "When I was living there, and in Spain and Italy, I had this nanny, a Mexican woman who would look after me. Whenever I had nightmares, she would sing the lullaby to me to get me to sleep."
That night, the three of them curled up in a huddle to sleep, feeling a sense of closeness, like being liberated from a dark, impenetrable prison.
OOOO
At the next session, Shauna asked Cathy to remain outside for a few short minutes, while she had a word with Harm and Mac. Cathy knew that today was going to be a hard day, the day she told them about life with her Uncle Jim, so she took the opportunity to prepare herself.
As they sat down in her office, Shauna told Harm and Mac, "It's not going to be easy today. You won't find it easy to listen to some of the things that Cathy has to tell you, but it will be a lot better for her to get some of these issues off her chest. And perhaps it will help you to understand why she didn't think that she could come to you with it."
After she let Cathy in, the girl proceeded to tell them about the night of the hurricane and true to Shauna's word, Harm and Mac did find it hard to listen to. Both of them couldn't hold back the tears, particularly when Cathy sobbed as she told them about the final minutes of her Mom's life. After a minute or two to compose herself, Catriona proceeded onto her time spent in Uncle Jim's house.
"The first night I was there, Jim got incredibly drunk. Linda tried to stick up for me, but he just smacked her across the room and she was knocked out against the coffee table. Then Jim started on me and by the time he was done, I had a bloody nose and one of my eyes was swelled shut. As time went by, he only got worse and worse, but I figured out ways to keep out of his way. Everyday after school, I'd do sports and on weekends, I'd do odd jobs around town, to save some money. School vacations were the worst, so I'd try to get picking jobs in the fields or packing jobs in the supermarket. Sometimes, I'd have to miss school a lot, because I was in such a mess after Jim's beatings. After Jim lost his job, I couldn't stay at The House much. I didn't like being in The House when Jim was there. He would scream at me and call me names. He'd tell me that I was worthless, but he'd still break into my room and steal my money. He took any money that Social Services sent me, to pay for schoolbooks and maintenance. I hated the way Jim would rant at me. In the end, our confrontations would end up as a battle of wills. He would keep hitting me until I fell down. I soon learnt that it would be better for me to just fall straight down. The thing I hated most though, was when he'd show me just how alone I was. I'd get your letters and he'd read them out aloud and rub my nose in the fact that I couldn't write back to you. You see, he'd never let me and the town postmaster was one of his drinking buddies. He had connections throughout the town. The only time I did get a letter to you, Mac, was when I put Linda's name on instead of yours. But Jim never let me write to Linda again after that. That day you called me Mac, I felt like crying because I couldn't tell you what was happening. Uncle Jim was standing, watching over me, but I'd never have given him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. After the sheriff took me back to The House, I was so afraid you might come back to see me. With Uncle Jim in the state that he was, I was petrified he'd come after you. He had my softball bat and I knew that as long as I could keep you away from The House, you'd be safe. But Jim caught me. The last thing I can remember was falling through the glass door and down the back steps. I was in so much pain that I guess I blacked out. Anyway, you both know the rest. When I woke up and heard your voice, all that I could think about was how glad I was that Jim hadn't hurt you too."
"We were so happy when you woke up and the doctors told us you were really going to be alright," Mac told Cathy, tears still in her eyes.
Harm added, "Mac and I could never imagine life without you. We never saw what happened with Mic coming."
"Mic was just insane," Cathy replied, "A life with Mac was the only thing he wanted and he wasn't going to let anyone, least of all me, stand in the way."
"I never wanted any of that with Mic. And I never agreed to anything he said about the boarding school. I don' t know why I found it so hard to say no to him. I guess I felt I owed him something, for some reason."
At this, Shauna knew that she was getting into new territory and sent Cathy out into the reception to get washed up and something to drink, to calm herself down, while she delved deeper into the matter at hand.
"Mac, why did you feel the need to stay with Mic if you didn't really love him? What was it he was offering you?"
"Mic offered me everything I'd ever wanted, a home, a family, his love. I grew up in a broken, abusive home, so those kinds of things have always been important to me and I guess I've always found it hard to actually ask someone for those kinds of things. I guess I felt like he was the only one who would ever ask me to be a part of his life, the only one who would ever want me."
At Mac's words, Shauna could tell that Harm wanted to speak up, but she couldn't figure out where he fit in this whole equation.
"Have you actually ever asked anyone else for those things?" she asked Mac.
"Yes, just once," Mac replied, "In Australia, just before Mic gave me his ring…"
"But it was unrequited?" Shauna finished.
Mac looked down at the floor as she answered, "Yes."
Just then, Harm jumped in, talking directly to Mac.
"Mac, I never said I didn't want you. I love you more than anything, but I wasn't ready for that kind of relationship. I needed time to sort things out."
"Of course," Shauna realized, "Harm's the other guy! When he told her that, he was pushing her into the arms of this Mic guy."
Harm continued, "Just before we left to go to Australia, I got a call from Dianne's parents. After Dianne died, I put a lot of her belongings into storage for them, in D.C. They asked me to organize it and get transport for them, because they're moving to Wisconsin."
Shauna was a little confused at this. "May I just ask, who is Dianne?"
"Dianne was my ex-girlfriend. She was killed a little while before Mac and I became partners."
"Okay," Shauna conceded, "I can see how dealing with that, after all this time, may have disrupted your present life a bit."
At this, Mac added to Harm's comment, "She also happens to have looked very much like me. So much so that she and I could have been twins."
"Wow," Shauna exclaimed, "I bet you must have done a double take when you met Mac, Harm. Did that cause any problems?"
"Maybe at first," Harm replied, "but after our first case together, I could tell that Mac and Dianne were very different people."
At this, Harm turned to look directly at Mac, looking deep into her eyes.
"I always knew who you were, Sarah."
OOOO
Mac stood out on the veranda, trying to sort out the feelings that were coursing through her.
"I always knew who you were, Sarah."
"What on earth did he mean by that?"
Mac cast her mind back to the night on the docks in Norfolk, the night that he had kissed her. Could it really be true?
"I know, you were kissing her."
Was it really herself whom he was kissing? And what about that night in Colombia? Did he really want that kiss as much as she did?
"I meant what I said," Harm spoke up from behind her. He had walked out onto the veranda behind Mac, without her realizing.
"You're all I've ever wanted, Sarah."
OOOO
In the front hall of the house, Cathy stood watching the large baby grand piano, looking at it longingly.
"You're welcome to play it," Frank said from the front door, having just arrived home.
Trish came to greet him, then saw Cathy standing by the piano.
"Yes, darling, you should play something for us."
"I don't think so," Cathy hesitated, "I learnt to play in Russia, but I don't think that my fingers will do what I tell them anymore. Most of them were broken when Uncle Jim…well, you know."
"Just give it a try," Frank encouraged her, "you never know. What was it that you enjoyed playing the most?"
Cathy took a seat at the piano and began to get a feel for the keys. Just before she started, Harm and Mac walked into the hallway, hand in hand. The group remained silent, while Cathy played the opening notes to a complicated classical piece. But, only a few notes into it, one of her fingers hit a wrong key. Discouraged, Cathy started again, this time getting a bit further, but the notes sounding a bit awkward. Before long, she made another mistake, then another and another. Valiantly, she tried to continue, but got more and more upset, the more errors she made. Before long, she was sobbing uncontrollably and Mac took a step towards the piano to comfort her.
"I'm okay," Cathy quickly told her, pulling herself together.
She wiped away the rest of the tears and poised herself to try to play again. This time, the song that she picked was simpler and a lot slower, but beautiful in it's uniqueness. It was sad and seemed to reflect the troubles and hardship that Catriona had herself been through in the course of her short life. Harm, Mac, Trish and Frank watched Cathy silently, moved beyond words. Tears still dripped down Cathy's face and all present fought the urge to step forward and comfort her. When she had finished the song, Cathy quietly closed the lid over the keys and stood in front of the piano bench.
"There," she told them, "I'm done. No more."
With that, Cathy walked away to her room, shutting one door on her past and, at the same time, opening another to her future.
OOOO
The night before they were due to return to D.C. Harm and Mac sat out on the veranda. Harm took a look at his watch, then realizing what time it was, told Mac, "C'mon, we've got to be up early tomorrow. We'd better get some sleep.
As they walked through to the living room, Mac stopped and asked Harm, "Can we just sit here for a while? I don't really think I could sleep yet."
"Is something bothering you, Mac?" Harm asked her as they took a seat on the sofa. The answer to this was signified by her silence.
"What is it, Mac? Are you worried about Cathy?"
Mac took a long breath, and then asked Harm, "Do you really think that she trusts us? I mean, even when things are getting too much for her, she never comes to you or me. She doesn't talk to us about it. It's just her nature to keep things inside, until they become unmanageable. I can't help but feel guilty for not being there for her when Jim was beating her and again when Mic was threatening her. I promised Emilie I'd take care of her…"
"Mac, you do a fantastic job of taking care of her. I've never seen anyone, who doesn't have kids of their own, do a better job. And just like any other parent, you can't protect her from every bad thing the world has on offer."
"But why doesn't she come to me, talk to me about anything? I want to be there for her, but she always pushes me away."
She just doesn't want to pull us into anything. I can't even begin to think about the nightmare that the poor kid has been through."
At that moment, Harm and Mac heard a loud cry from one of the upstairs bedrooms.
Mac gave a sigh, then got up to go check that Cathy was okay.
"The nightmares must be back. I'd better go…"
Just as she turned to leave, Harm grabbed her wrist.
"Wait a minute, Mac. Let her come to you. Give her a chance to decide on her own. This is a decision she'll have to make on her own. Let her come to you."
Reluctantly, Mac sat back down on the couch. For the next few moments, nothing happened and Mac thought that Catriona wouldn't come. But before long, both Harm and Mac noted footsteps on the staircase and Catriona appeared in the doorway. Her face was flushed and wet from crying and Harm and Mac fought the urge to go to her.
"What's wrong, sweetie?" Mac asked her, "Have the nightmares come back?"
Cathy just nodded and edged closer to them, as if waiting for permission to join them. In answer, Mac opened her arms and beckoned her forwards, as if telling Cathy that it was okay to not be strong in front of them Cathy took refuge in the space on the couch between Harm and Mac, while they both embraced her comfortingly.
After a while, Harm asked her, "Was it the same dream you always have?"
Cathy nodded, but added, "But this time it was a little different. At first, it was Mic again, holding me up against the wall. His hands are on my throat and I can't breath and he has that mad look in his eye."
At this, Mac pulled Cathy closer and Cathy squeezed Mac's hand to let her know that it wasn't her fault this had happened.
After a minute, Cathy continued, "Then he lets me go and I fall to the floor, but this time, when I look up, it's not Mic I see. It's Jim and he's got the softball bat in his hand. Just as he swings it at my head, I wake up."
Nobody said anything for a moment and Harm moved closer to Cathy, stroking her face and hair comfortingly.
"It's okay," he murmured to Cathy, "you're safe now. Mac and I won't let anything happen to you, ever again."
Comforted, Cathy drifted off to sleep and Harm and Mac soon followed.
OOOO
Several months later…
Heading into the JAG bullpen, Catriona good-naturedly greeted the members of staff who had become like an extended family to her.
"How's life at the center going?" Gunny asked her as she passed.
"Fine," she replied, "just fine."
She paused to have a quiet word with Harriet, who filled her in on all of little A.J.'s latest accomplishments and developments.
Afterwards, she headed towards the Admiral's office, pausing outside to talk to Tiner. Then she asked him, "Is the Admiral able to see me now, Tiner?"
"Go straight in," Tiner told her, "he's waiting to see you. I think he'll throttle me later, because I didn't send you in as soon as you got here!"
With a chuckle, she walked into the Admiral's office, just as he was hanging up the phone.
"A.J!" she exclaimed, to which the Admiral answered, "Cathy! How's my favorite scholar doing?"
Cathy gave a groan, and then asked AJ, "Arghh! They told you, didn't they?"
"Sorry," he replied, "they just couldn't help it, they were so over the moon. That's who I was just on the phone with." After a second, he continued, "Top of your academic year group, huh? Cathy, that's really something!"
"I can still hardly believe it myself," Cathy told him.
"Would you like to go out and get some lunch, my treat? We could pick Harm and Mac up on the way."
"That's really nice of you, but I'm afraid I've got unchangeable plans with my parents. I was just on my way to the florist's when I stopped in here. I'm going up to the cemetery to spend some time talking to my Mom and Dad. I'm going to put some flowers down on all the graves."
"I see, we'll have to do this some other time then," the Admiral suggested.
"Definitely," Cathy agreed, "it sounds like a great idea!"
OOOO
Cathy sat peacefully by her parent's graveside, tracing the engraving on the headstone with her finger. Cheerfully colored flowers in a range of varieties sat in the vase in front of the headstone, as did those on the four surrounding graves. Cathy would hear people exclaim as they walked past and realized that one whole family was buried in each of the four other graves, but Cathy knew that they had no idea that those buried in all five of the graves belonged to the same family.
"What would they say if they knew?" Cathy would often ask herself, "Would they treasure their own families just that little bit more?"
Lifting her head towards the sky, hoping they could somehow hear her, Cathy told her family, "I don't want you to worry about me. I've got Harm and Mac here to take care of me, now. And everyone at JAG has made me feel like one of the family. I really couldn't be in better hands."
OOOO Continued in SP 5: Getting To Know You OOOO