Title: Of Frogs and True Love

Rated: PG-13

Author: Etoile

Email- Buffy/Spike. During As You Were. Buffy breaks up with Spike before Riley and Sam leave. The actual "doctor" was the Troika. They strike back at the Scoobies after Buffy blew up the eggs. Please review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Sunnydale or anyone that lives there. They all belong to Joss Whedon.

Chapter Four

Spike surreptitiously slipped closer and closer to the door to the training room. He was just passing the last book case now. Everyone seemed bent on researching Buffy's problem and nobody was paying him any mind.

"Oh Spike! Can you grab that book next to your hand? Thanks!" Willow said.

Spike jumped up as if he'd been burned. "Uh, uh, sure," he stammered. He handed the witch the book and waited a few seconds. "Think I'm gonna go for a smoke," he announced.

Willow absentmindedly waved her hand as she became immersed in new Folklores book.

Spike glanced around the rest of the room and then made his way into the training room. He saw Buffy squating on the pummel horse, softly sobbing. Spike leaned closer to the crying frog (and how weird was that?) and said, "Buffy, Buffy, love, stop crying. It's not worth your tears."

"Not worth my tears? Do you know what this means?"

"So he's not your one true love. Big fucking deal." Spike swung himself onto the other side of the pummel horse. He paused. "How did you get up here anyway?"

She ignored the question. "It is a big deal Spike! I've always been able to hold on to the fact that 'hey, at least I have Angel.' This is like saying there's, there's no Santa Claus or something."

"Exactly!"

"Huh?"

"Even before someone told you there was no Santa Claus, you always suspected din't you? It was always in the back of your mind: this doesn't make any bloody sense. Can anything really be this great and perfect? If I'm good, then I get everything I want? And when they told you, you kinda felt better, you know? Like everything clicked. And you saw that the world was flawed. But therein laid the beauty of the whole thing, you know?"

Buffy finally stopped crying. "No…That was just weird Spike. Wait, how old were you when you found out there was no Santa Claus? 'Cause I doubt you thought that when you were eight."

Spike sighed, exasperated. "It was a bloody metaphor, Slayer!"

"Well, that metaphor sucked." Buffy sniffled.

They sat in silence for some time until Spike spoke, "What if it was me?"

"What?"

"What if it was me? What if I'm your one true love?"

Buffy laughed. "It would never be you Spike."

Spike's mouth twisted in what could be called a smile, but his eyes weren't smiling. "I know, but what if it is?"

He looked strangely emboldened and for some reason, that scared Buffy. She wasn't sure what he might try in this state, but the last thing she wanted was his lips anywhere near her.

"Are you scared Slayer?"

She hopped back. "No," she said, contradictory to her actions.

"You're scared that it might be me aren't you?"

"No!" She hopped back another step.

Spike stopped and looked her over. He hadn't studied the body language of frogs before but this one looked petrified. He shook his head, half in anger and half in sadness. "You would rather stay a frog than let me kiss you, wouldn't you?"

"Willow's working on something right now. It won't be too long."

"And what if it doesn't work? What of that then?" Spike waited. She didn't say anything. "You'd rather stay a frog, wouldn't you? Say it Slayer. You can't hurt me anymore than you already have."

"Fine, I would."

Spike's head fell to his chest. "Well, I was wrong about that too. That bloody hurts." He raised his head, his eyes glinting suspiciously. "You know what? I wish you the fucking best." He swung off the pummel horse and strode angrily towards the door.

"Spike." He didn't stop. "Spike! I'm sorry okay?"

"You're sorry?" He took a deep unneeded breath. When he spoke, it was so soft she had to strain to hear him. "You hate me that much, Slayer?"

"I don't hate you, Spike. I really don't. And that's the problem."

Spike shook his head. "How's that a problem?"

There was silence and finally Buffy said what had been on her mind for the last few days. "I don't want to love you." She paused. "But I'm afraid that I could."

A feather could have knocked Spike over at that moment. A little bubble of hope began to grow in his chest. The words weren't necessarily a surprise; he already knew that she could love him. But he never would have imagined she'd acknowledge it out loud. The 'I can't love you's' had now become 'I don't want to love you's' and Spike thought that might be better. At least it was the truth. He turned and looked at her earnestly, "Buffy, you shouldn't be afraid to love."

"But it's you, Spike! Arch-enemy. No soul. Evil. Do these words mean anything to you? Because they mean a lot to me. They mean I can't trust you. I already had a relationship where there was no trust. I'm not doing it again."

"You can trust me! All this evil, soulless shit is just that: shit! I love you, Buffy. I love you. I can change. Hell, I have changed. You're just not seeing it!"

"You haven't changed so much that you don't keep demon eggs in your crypt." Buffy accused.

Spike growled and almost kicked a chair into the wall. He just stopped himself when he remembered that the Scoobies were still in the other room. "I'm going to say this one time, Slayer," he rumbled softly close to her ear. "I didn't do it."

Buffy looked incredulously at him. "You can't expect me to believe that."

Spike shrugged. "Only saying it the once. You'll have to trust my word."

Buffy stared at him. She looked down. "I can't."

Spike turned away from her again. He wanted to leave. He wanted to go far away where he wouldn't have to deal with this non-relationship of theirs. Where he could forget her in time. But he couldn't. He was stuck to the cursed Hellmouth and his cursed love. He doubted he could even forget her if he did leave. She had changed him on a molecular level. Buffy was lodged in every crevice of his being. There was no forgetting that.

He could go. Maybe he could find some kind of shaman. He could find someone who could remove the love inside of him. Yeah, that's what he'd do. Good riddance to the whole damn lot of them. He turned to Buffy, ready to give a parting remark.

"Let me kiss you." He said instead.

"Spike…" Buffy pleaded.

He shook his head. It was out there now. This was what he wanted. "Let me try. You don't believe it will work and truth be told, neither do I. But," Spike's voice took on a deep tone. "I have to try, love. I want to know once and for all if this… I have to know."

"I don't think I want to know."

"Don't you? We're both scared about this. I'm scared it won't work and you're scared it will. But at least we'll know. At least, something will have to change. We won't be stuck in the bloody circle anymore. We'll know."

"And then what, Spike?"

"…I don't know." Spike suddenly swooped down and leaned into Buffy, lips ready. He waited to see if she would move. She didn't. So, he closed his eyes and kissed her head.

He didn't have to open them to sense the bright light around him; but he did anyway. He wanted to see her transform before his eyes. Her nude form emerged and he grabbed one of the blankets from the floor and handed it to her. He tried to catch her eyes as she wrapped it around her body.

"Buffy—"

"Don't!" She said. She finally looked up. "Don't say anything. Just, just leave. I just want to be alone right now, okay?" Her eyes were shimmering with unshed tears.

Spike wanted to stay. He wanted to hold her. But he didn't know what to do. He slipped out the back door and sat down in the alley. Part of him was overjoyed. But another part thought about what she said before he kissed her: 'And then what, Spike?' He didn't know. But this wasn't looking like happily ever after.