Waiting for Ready
Written April 4, 2006
As I start down the ladder, a slight turn of my head sends all thoughts of cameras and lenses into the far recesses of my mind. She's coming. A backward glance towards Mr. Watkins is all I can muster before I feel compelled to look towards her once again. God she is beautiful. No, I stop myself. Thoughts such as those couldn't be. What would she think? She must never know. No, she must never know. It would kill me. The children scamper off as I draw near.
I barely notice the children disappear, my stomach ties itself in knots as I watch him approach; anticipation coiling everything tighter and tighter. I'm so foolish. Could he tell? Of course he could. My heart pounds so strongly every time he's near I'm sure he would have to be deaf not to hear it.
"Dr. Mike…" my name sounds so much better coming from his tongue. It becomes a magical name, beautiful. I cannot help but smile. Who knew a name could make anyone feel so special?
"Can I talk to you?"
"Yes." My reply is instantaneous, eager; as is my step towards him.
I look towards the ground not sure how to begin. This is the story of my life around her. I've never been able to speak as eloquently as she does, but even my basic verbal skills become scattered and disarrayed around her; every time I gaze into those hypnotic eyes I drown. A deep breath, "I couldn't be in the picture, sorry if I disappointed Brian but…" I trail off hoping she'll understand. Hurting her is the last thing I'd ever want to do.
I smile and duck my head, "That's alright Sully." And it is alright, because I understand. I understand…and I could never want him to be anything but what he is.
"I know I'm not family, but the truth is I care about ya'll very much…" I pause, wondering if that's enough. How can I possibly expect her to understand when everything is so unclear even to me?
"I know." She replies. Her response gives me courage. She doesn't think I'm crazy. A beat passes, would it be safe for me to add…? No, I can't. But how can I not? It can't hurt anything, we're friends, best friends. I can say it… as her best friend I can admit it, "…especially you." The words tumble out before I can stop them.
My eyes lock with his. I am sure my surprise at his words is clearly broadcasted across my face. I say nothing; there is nothing for me to say. Yet something in me feels afraid. I remind myself that it's only Sully. He is my best friend; of course he cares about me in a different way than he cares for the children. I care about him also, it doesn't mean anything. It can't…I cannot convince myself. I hold my breath suppressing the urge to run. Instinct tells me to flee but his gaze holds me captive, he is staring into my soul and I cannot look away.
A moment passes, and all thoughts of flight vanish; to eternally hold that gaze I would stand here forever.
"That night I kissed you…" I look down; the fear is back stronger than before. I am anxious, I don't want him to continue, I am afraid of what he might say… afraid he will try to change things, and I will never be safe again.
"I know it was your birthday and all but…" He hesitates, and my heart pounds as I finally realize he's going to take it back, I ache all over. I realize now my fear was foolish, for that which I feared most he'd say is what I want more than anything. I blink once, twice, three times to get myself back under control. He must never know, it would kill me. He is my best friend, and I would do anything to keep him. I make eye contact once more. He continues, "…I meant it."
"I know." She looks down. I see a flash of emotion in those brown green eyes an instant before she averts her gaze. Relief? Disappointment? Had I actually seen anything at all? Her head comes back up, a genuine smile graces her lips, her eyes are bright and shining with the remembrance of something special, yet they are tinged with sadness. She knows I meant it…she also knows this conversation will tarnish its memory. I am hurting her. I am causing her sadness, and I don't know how much longer I can stand here and see the damage I am doing.
"…and it was the nicest gift that I got." I cannot help but smile, even though most of me is shaking inside. Where is this leading? I smile and my heart soars as I remember that moment. I want to go back to that kiss and do something differently… I don't know what, but something that would serve to clarify the thoughts which whirl through my mind like leaves in the wind.
I continue to smile; I realize even given the opportunity I would change nothing. I take in his sober expression, and the smile fades. The dream dies and my heart plummets back to that which is my reality. I am a foolish woman, what must he think of me?
"…but that's all it has to be, a birthday gift." I amend. I look away hoping he cannot tell I'm lying, hoping he doesn't see the slight hurt and disappointment I'm feeling. I feel foolish enough as it is.
She thinks she can hide from me, but I know her too well; she is my best friend. I see the hurt before she makes it disappear. Could she want what I want? Could she really know? I want to take her into my arms and feel her lips on mine once more. I cannot deny how right it felt; perhaps this is what scares me the most. Instead I look away and force myself to continue.
"If things were different…If we weren't so different…" I pause, and realize the truth; "I'm just not ready yet."
She deserves more; she deserves much better than me. I can't give her everything she's worthy of; not yet… maybe not ever. She should get the world and I can't give it to her, I have nothing to offer.
I swallow and manage to keep my voice even. "Neither am I Sully."
There, I did it. He must never know. It would kill me. I was foolish to think there might have been a chance. I could never match up against Abagail, you can't compete with the dead, and I am done trying. I will be Sully's friend and nothing more.
"I care about you too…very much." I send his words back at him the same way I am finally certain he meant them towards me. My final farewell to the dream I never knew I had, and it hurts just the same.
My words come back at me, but I am sure they never hurt her the way they have just hurt me. I'm not ready, I can't be. But somehow hearing her say the words wounds me. She cares, but not the way I want her to care, the way I need her to care. She has stuck a knife in my stomach and is twisting it around without even knowing. There is nothing left to say, we are out of words.
"Mr. Sully! The camera, please!" I had forgotten; Mr. Watkins apparently hadn't. The moment is broken. I swallow, turn, and walk away. I do not say a word, because I know if I had opened my mouth to speak I would have kissed her again. I would have given in so I could regain something I had just lost; something I never knew I had. I can feel her eyes watching me, but I cannot turn around. If I did, she would see, and that would kill me.
I notice him approaching and my heart flutters despite itself. I can't deny how glad I am to see him, yet a part of me still hurts. Is this what I'm resigned to? Welcoming heartache in exchange for subtle looks and touches? He presses closer… closer; I stiffen involuntarily. How can he not know what he is doing to me?
As I press against her we make eye contact. Something about her seems nervous, a little withdrawn, but she smiles at me. The smile reassures me, I can do anything. I think back to the cameraman's words, "If a lady like Dr. Quinn ever looks at me the way she looks at you, I would fall down on one knee and promise myself to her forever." If only that were true. Kindness comes as naturally to her as breathing; she makes everyone feel special just by looking at them. It's one of the many qualities she has that makes her amazing.
I reflect upon this point as I look towards the camera. I think about her smile and I cannot deny it, there is a piece of her which smiles just for me, and I am glad. There is a part of her just for me; her best friend. This revelation gives me courage, and I slowly place my arm around her shoulder. I'm not ready to get on one knee just yet, this is all I have to offer and I pray that it is good enough…for now.
I hate him. He is cruel. He is cruel and I am jealous. My discomfort grows as I feel his hand burning my shoulder. Sparks course throughout my body. He thinks nothing of his touch and I am envious, I wish I could think the same. How cruel is he to be constantly reminding me of what we don't have? Our eyes meet again and I melt, chastising myself for my unfair conclusion. I was jealous, now I am ashamed; ashamed I could expect so little from the one person who knows me. He looks at me sincerely, and I can see he is trying, trying for something we both want, yet are determined the other must never know. I don't hate him, I love him…and neither of us are ready.
The thought hits me hard and I realize I wasn't lying before, not exactly. We both have fears, pasts to escape. He needs time… I need time. I relax in his embrace and smile. The world has been lifted off my shoulders. For now this is enough. He is my best friend, and in this moment that is all I need. I could never want for more…not yet. This embrace will keep me content and secure until we are both ready.