She sat at her desk and read. She sat at her desk and wrote. She sat at her desk and studied. For a year and a half, this is what Emilia was doing predominantly. In this well-furnished room fit for a royal, something that she is supposed to be, she worked tirelessly. Of course, if one could call what she was doing work they would most certainly be demeaning every other person in existence. Because this girl's lying heart knew the truth or claimed to know.
The dishonest heart knew that she was merely a parasite leaching others' goodwill. That she was incompetent. That she was useless. That she is nothing more than a burden to the wonderful people she knows. She was handed everything she has, and yet still, she manages to make things worse.
Roswaal flew to meet the lords in hopes of turning them to their side. Otto was tirelessly filing all the paperwork needed to run the camp. Subaru just cleared a mabeasts infestation with Garfiel. Yet, she sat and read. The thought of helping these people cross her mind, but such things only last for the shortest amount of time possible. She is useless. She is incompetent. She would just make things worse.
Thinking of Subaru made those feelings further concrete. Subaru, her closest and dearest friend. Subaru her knight. That sentence, " Subaru her knight" brought forth many conflicting feelings. She was happy, elated even that somebody like Subaru would want to be her knight. That somebody, so great, so amazing would want to be with her to help her. But at the same time, it brought her great sadness, for her lying heart would always repeat what she saw as a simple truth. Subaru is Subaru, and she could only be herself.
It pained her to think that such an amazing and selfless person would have to spend their days helping her, a useless girl only good for leeching off others. Her part she performed splendidly as far as her heart is considered. Everything she has is a consequence of Subaru's work. Her camp, her standing in the selection. In less than a year that she knows him, he turned her life completely around. She went from being a lonely girl with no prospects of victory to a head of a proper election camp with a chance, whoever slim, of succeeding. That is only the beginning, she is sure of that. There is no doubt in her mind that this amazing and selfless man will bring forth many more victories, and if she finds herself victorious in the selection. It will be his doing that will make such a reality possible. What could she show herself? Now or then, she knew the answer. Nothing. Yes, it pains her to no end that such a great person has to suffer her as she like a mosquito sucks his blood. Such an amazing man should by all right stand by somebody equally amazing. But no, he has to stand by her side, and she has to be selfish about it.
Of course, he is not perfect. She would often say that to herself in order to calm her mind. He is prone to lying after all. But, such thoughts are short-lasting, for her dishonest heart reminded her that the only reason for Subaru's lies is to protect her worthless feelings. Yes, he tells her how amazing she is. How great she is. How much he admires her. But she knew the truth, she was non of those things. Yet for some reason, Subaru selflessly even drops down to lie to guard her heart.
If the heart was the only thing he protected, perhaps she would even be able to forgive herself. But no, this amazing man stops at nothing and he even saved her life more than she could count. What did she do for him? Again, nothing. Just leeching and making his existence harder. He defeated the world-renowned assassin in order to protect her life. But that wasn't enough for him. Even when she abandoned him, he still came and saved her. This time it was no assassin but a sin archbishop, one of the monsters most feared by the world's people. She was saved only to find out that he had to kill another great monster just to get to the point of rescuing her. She abandons him, and his response is to save her. If there was more evidence needed for Subaru's infinite selflessness this would be it.
Naturally true to his character he saw to protect her feelings still. He told her how great she was for protecting the children in the cart. Like she forgot that there was a bomb that would have killed them all had Subaru not arrived. He would have no doubt said that there was no way for Emilia to know that, so she need not burden herself with that. But Subaru knew, and he wasn't even there. He also told her how proud of her he is for passing the trials of the sanctuary. Like she forgot that she was incompetent in doing so, and would have continued to fail if it wasn't for Subaru.
If it wasn't for Subaru could even become a moto of her life, for she couldn't ever even hope of becoming as amazing as he is. The things that he could come up with in minutes, she could think for years and still not get a similar result. His plans are almost unmatched, they often account for every second and are perfect in execution. What can she offer? Once again nothing. She is a strong fighter that stands, but so are many others. Garfiel or Ram, but unlike her, they are reliable and can be counted for. Whereas she is incompetent.
Such is this girl's hypocritical mouth and lying heart. One moment it proclaims this boy as a great man to who only the great monsters like sin archbishops are a match. But somehow such a great man can be trapped and forced to suffer a self-proclaimed leech. One moment she would listen and believe him truly, obeying any command he gives her without question because she trusts him with her life. But then she would refuse to believe any truth that comes from his mouth because she lied to herself for too long to accept it.
Her hypocritical mouth and lying heart can not accept the truth because they did everything to bury it deep in this girl's subconscious. Because to her it now sounds simply preposterous. Because she thinks that such a thing is impossible. She can not accept this boy's words as true because if she does, it would mean that she is fundamentally wrong. It would mean that all that she thinks of herself is wrong.
She can't accept it because then, she would realize that she is indeed an amazing person.
This is something of a proof of concept for a one-shot I intend to write. Emilia is quite a hard character to properly carry so I would appreciate any critique of what I had written here.