19

Cosmo Canyon:

Like A Wish

The whole party hiked along a slow ascend towards Cosmo Canyon.

Red charged ahead, a bright fang smile to his face as he raced up the red hills towards his home.

Yuffie treaded carefully, mother to the four Materia bundled in her arms, the leather wrappings fluttering from a strong, warm breeze.

I switched clothes, knowing wool would be too warm for the canyon's environment, and changed into a white linen floral dress with thin straps, borrowed from Shera, and sneakers borrowed from Yuffie.

The wind was warm, and I smiled against it, closing my eyes to take a long inhale of the earthy smell and distant cooking fires. It smelt fresh and ancient here, the canyons closing in on us like thick blankets to shield us from the cold nights ahead.

I walked next to Reeve, leaking a chuckle over his reaction at the environment. His eyes were moist, lost in the burning sky of a losing sun, leaving behind a blanket of purple and blue with sparkling white dots.

His jaw fell.

"I can't believe I'm actually here," he whispered. He knelt, and took a large, shaky hand into the red earth, fingers digging delicately across hard rock until dust clung to his fingertips. Reeve pulled his hand back, fingers pressing together to watch the dirt speckle back to earth like fairy dust. His eyes sparkled.

He felt my stare, rising to smile down at me, and a tear escaped, rolling across his rugged face.

"Sorry, I'm such a baby," he sniffed, quickly clearing his face with the back of his hand.

I shook my head, beaming at Reeve's pure bliss.

"It's better to experience the world in person than sitting behind a screen, isn't it?" I asked him gently.

Reeve nodded.

"So much better. Nothing compares," he replied, and he settled a hand on my shoulder like a big brother would, his eyes warm. He seemed ready to say more heart-warming words, but the moment flew away as quickly as the herd of birds fluttering over us.

"Well, I think you're a baby," Yuffie buzzed over her shoulder.

Reeve jolted, face red.

"Yuffie, why do you always have to ruin my moments?!" He squealed. The two argued, leaving me to watch Cid lose himself in the natural beauty of the canyons. We were climbing closer to town, red walls slowly opening up into reveal high cliffs for us to trek along carefully. Far below, tiny dark lines of rivers swerved, along with spots of cacti and bush.

Cid looked up at the incoming stars, a hand to his heart.

"Wow, I don't get the sky like this in Rocket Town," he was saying, dreaming of being up in space again. Or maybe he was thinking of Shera. A depressing realization passed his eyes, blue with sparkles from the stars.

I walked by him and asked, "Cid, are you thinking of taking a break and going back home for a while?"

Barret overheard, and thew at us, "Cid, not you, too? We've already lost Vincent, and now Tifa's gone."

It was true.

When we returned to the ship, Tifa was nowhere to be found.

Cid blew smoke up at the stars and said, "It's what she wanted. Don't blame me. Said something about taking time away, to think and be alone. I'm cool with that shit."

Barret audibly sulked, ducking his head.

"She didn't even say goodbye," he muttered, hurt that one of his closest friends left without a word.

He lifted his soft brown eyes up at Cloud ahead, the fighter wanting to be alone.

"I wonder if Cloud even cares. He's had a stick up his ass since Junon," Barret mentioned, looking at me for answers.

I crossed my arms, feeling a cramp in my stomach.

"I think he still feels guilty of what happened," I guessed. And more, like Rufus knowing that I was pregnant when I lied to Cloud that no one else knew besides Vincent at the time.

Barret gazed up at Cosmo Canyon ahead, its distant, soft, yellow lights almost like stars fell and landed along the walls of the earth.

"Of course, he's still upset about that. We almost died. Most importantly, you almost died. I think as he grows more human, he's finding it harder to have you fight with us. That's what I think, anyway."

I was stunned at Barret's theory, not aware of taking that sort of perspective on Cloud. I've been so stuck on Rufus, completely unaware that, maybe, Cloud was upset by something more than just a small lie. Without a word, I watched Barret scrunch his face, his forehead wrinkling.

"Yeah, if I were him, I would feel that way. Have my Myrna or Marlene with me as I fight, I would always be worried shitless. If anything were to happen to Marlene, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself." Then, Barret's voice dropped. "I still haven't really forgiven myself for losing Myrna."

"Barret…" I touched his warm arm.

He shrugged.

"Tifa may have left, but I'm gonna stick this one out. Cloud may have you, but he needs someone to watch over him, too. You two are like my kids. Cid probably feels the same way. Right Cid?!"

Cid closed his eyes and bit down on his cigarette.

"Do I really look that fucking old?"

Barret and I chuckled.

"Cid, you look great. You smoke like a chimney, and still no wrinkles," I joked.

Cid threw me his sparkling blue eyes.

"Shut up," he joked, and he smirked up at Cosmo Canyon in the distance.

—

Bugenhagen opened his door.

Behind his tinted glasses, his eyes grew at Red, mouth hanging open.

"Nanaki! It's good to see you again. Please, all of you, come in. Come in, hurry."

He waved his droopy robe arms, gesturing us to come into his home.

"Do I get to use your fucking telescope if I ask nicely?" Cid asked, though a curse word did slip in there. A vein popped from Bugenhagen's bald head.

"Ask nicely, then," the old man fumed, his giant crystal ball floating him in the middle of his living room.

He took note of all of us here, and lifted a brow. Did he notice Aerith was missing? If so, he didn't mention it, only giving me a quick gaze before clearing his throat, and turned his head to Red.

"Nanaki, what have you and your friends brought me?"

Red pointed his nose to Yuffie as he replied, "These Materia."

Bugenhagen hovered over the stones, Yuffie hugging them close to her when she grew uncomfortable being so close to the old man. My ears detected his slight wheezing, how pale he's gotten since I last saw him.

He lifted a trembling hand to lower his glasses all the way to the tip of his large nose, and gawked at the bundle as though he could see through the fabric. The stones' lights intensified within, and he shuddered, desperate to touch, as though drawn to them.

"Remarkable," he breathed, his glasses reflecting the traces of faint light emitting through the tiny thin cracks of leather.

We watched him think for a while, his wrinkled hand playing with his long beard. Red's ears flapped to any sound his grandfather released, often of humming and muttering whispers to himself.

"I see," he hushed, as though he was talking to the stones. I knew it was the Planet. It spoke to him like it did me, and I heard its whispers course through the room like a steady stream, curving around us.

The whispers were gentle, close around Bugenhagen like he was an old friend. I imagined soft, ghostly hands settled on his shoulders, a motherly face made of green sparkles looking down on him like a guardian with instruction.

I could hear what he heard, and soon, I've become drawn to the stones as well, but behind the admiration, also fear grew. There was no need for me to touch them, not even be near them. Just standing a few feet away, I could feel their power vibrate, stirring my bones with strange tingles.

Cid grew bored, slipping into an armchair, and lighting another cigarette.

Reeve sat criss-cross on the round rug, sipping a cup of bitter tea. Red stayed by his grandfather's side, patient as a stone, eagerly waiting. Yuffie pressed her lips together, her body shaking after holding the large stones for a long time. Her skinny arms must've been tired.

Barret sat on the floor next to Reeve, taking a cup of tea for himself, and slurped.

Cloud leaned against a wall, his ankles crossed, and watched Bugenhagen carefully. I blinked my eyes to him, discovering that he was really looking at me, and as soon as our eyes locked, he looked away, guilt washing over his face for a second before he hid it.

My chest tightened, sending knots down into my stomach.

Bugenhagen finally spoke, breaking my anxious thoughts.

"Ah, yes. Let's take them into my observatory for a closer look. It will be able to contain them."

We followed him up the stairs.

The observatory has been already laid out, and I walked into a miniature galaxy, slipping through planets and stars as I made my way deeper into the magnificent scene. The walls seemed non-existent, extending as far as space allowed it, my feet appearing to walk on space's gravity. I passed a planet with a ring, watching it fuzz around my arm before pulling itself back together again.

"Oh," I released, my mouth open.

My eyes searched the other planets, watching them rotate and spin very slowly, others quicker, as though to reflect real time. I latched onto the nearly added item to Bugenhagen's collection.

Meteor, the size of the moon, hovered close to our Planet, a glowing red orb just floating there, a tiny red sun.

Bugenhagen saw my eyes latch on to the threat, and asked me, "It's incredible to see it like this, isn't it?"

I walked closer, my hand reaching, wanting to touch it. The digital display faded out when I swiped my fingers through it.

"Seeing it like this, I had no idea how large it was," I whispered.

Bugenhagen nodded.

"It is indeed the end of the world if Meteor were to hit. Much too large for any living thing to escape it."

"Not even a soul can hide from it," I quoted from Armageddon, an old movie I enjoyed once. Bugenhagen nodded, agreeing to that quote.

"Ho ho hoo! Indeed. Not even a soul. How frightening isn't it?"

He floated up to the model of this Planet, and cupped Meteor inside his hands. Its red light seeped through the cracks between his fingers, like he was holding a lightbulb inside his curled palms. He became mesmerized by the red orb floating there, pretending to be holding it for a minute while deep in thought. When Bugenhagen was ready, he cleared his throat, withdrew his hands, and focused on Yuffie.

"Yuffie, please lay down the stones, and unwrap them for me," he advised, followed by a coughing fit.

Yuffie did as he asked, laying the stones down carefully, one by one. Her trembling hands worked, unbuckling the belts and removing the thick cloth.

The first stone let out a bright, golden light, blinding us momentarily.

I squinted behind my hand, and watched a yellow stone float, taking up a space in the solar system. It appeared to be in a natural shape of crystal, reminding me of yellow quartz.

Command Materia.

A pool of red light spread its radius, flashing through the planetarium like a police siren. The red Materia floated, hovering a few feet above the floor, glowing like a round ruby with a lightbulb inside it.

Summon Materia.

The third, dark green, flashed with a wave of wind, blowing us back. Our skin lit up green for a second before the stone settled down, rising to join the others, a beautiful large emerald.

Magic Materia.

Aerith came to mind, and I rested my hands over my heart, missing her eyes.

The last stone revealed as a beautiful blue crystal, a giant sapphire with rough edges. It released a pulse of energy, lighting up the room as though we were at the bottom of a glistering ocean. The light faded, and the stone began to rest.

Support Materia.

All four stones floated, soft lanterns inside the planetarium around the ball of the sun lamp.

Yuffie's eyes grew so big, her mouth opened.

"Whoa," she gasped, itching closer and closer to the stones like a dumbstruck zombie.

"So beautiful…"

She reached for the yellow one. What would happen if she touched it with her bare hand?

"Yuffie, don't!" Reeve warned.

He was ignored, or maybe she couldn't hear him, too hypnotized by the stone's beauty. As soon as she planted her palm across a flat edge of the stone, we'd expected her to be pushed back, or have her hand burn.

Nothing happened.

Reeve especially seemed puzzled, loosening his tense body and dropping his hand as a shield.

Yuffie's fingers rubbed around the large stone, her eyes glowing yellow from reflecting it.

"It feels warm," she said, and pressed her ear against it as though the stone carried lungs or a heart to listen.

"It has a heart beat," she gasped.

"The stones are alive. For the moment, they are sleeping. As you can see, they are not really a threat while asleep," Bugenhagen explained.

Red asked a question.

Barret muttered something.

Cid grunted.

Reeve touched the Materia with Yuffie.

Cloud watched.

I wasn't listening, their voices fading. The planetarium disappeared, nothing but the stones leering me to them with their magnificence. The closer I stepped towards them, the brighter they glowed. My hand lifted, fingers reaching, feeling the heat of them increase.

So much power.

Whenever I used Materia, I was allowed only one spell, sucking up all of its power until it shattered, useless. Thereafter, I would be so weak, close to fainting. But what would happen if I used Huge Materia? Could I cast multiple times? Would I destroy these beautiful stones? What were the consequences?

I grew dizzy, my body vibrating, or maybe that was the earth trembling. I reached for the green one, wishing it were Aerith, her eyes turning to me, stuck inside that rock floating just a few feet away.

The stones whispered, remnants of the Planet swirling inside them, filled with power, with spirit energy, memories. The green one pulsed strongly, its powerful wave blowing my hair back, forcing me to take a step away, a warning to not come any closer.

I stopped, my hand only a few inches from it, and shook, waking up after falling into what felt like a spell. Nausea and dizziness took over, causing me to stammer back weakly.

Cloud was already there, taking his arms around my waist from behind, and told me, "You need to rest."

Bugenhagen studied me, and then he said quietly, "It must have been a long day for you all. Please, have dinner and stay the night."

He hovered towards the stairs, urging the rest of us to follow.

I attempted to stand on my own, pushing away from Cloud with wobbly legs, and rubbed a hand to my moist forehead.

"I guess we've been through a lot today, haven't we?" I asked, fatigue taking over.

Cloud's arm remained around my waist, pulling me close to bear most of my weight as we stepped down the stairs.

"More than you should," he muttered, a hint of where his thoughts were for the past few hours.

I settled on a couch, the familiar fur blanket over my lap. Yuffie stood, and stretched out her arms while yawning at the ceiling.

"Man, what a day. I'm gonna go stuff my face. See ya'll there at the candle!"

She scurried away, more cheerful than usual. I eyed her as she disappeared down the steps to the door. Yuffie hated being in Cosmo Canyon,especially without Tifa's company. So, why was she grinning like she was excited?

"Well, that's not like her," Red pointed out, noticing it too.

Cid shrugged, puffing away on his cigarette.

"Whatever. I'm gonna go enjoy me some fine Cosmo Canyon cigar. They're supposed to be the best," the pilot shared, heading towards the door. Before taking the steps, he turned to Cloud.

"Hey Cloud, want a cigar? We may as well," he asked.

Cloud crossed his arms and gave Cid a suspicious look.

"Why would you suggest that?"

Cid let his cigarette leak smoke for a moment, trailing up to the ceiling before splitting about in all directions like tiny ghosts.

"For two reasons. One, for the end of the world. Two, well, I'm leaving that up in the air," he muttered, his voice fading as he left. The door opened and closed.

Reeve took a seat next to me, his hands fidgeting his tie. He looked at me and then to Cloud with questions in his eyes.

"What's the second reason?"

I shrugged, lips pressed together to prevent any leakage of an answer.

Bugenhagen was lighting some incense, listening quietly until he put down his box of matches, and said, "Please, all of you head down to the Candle for some dinner."

He turned his head, and his eyes caught with mine. Instantly, I knew what he was going to suggest.

"I need to have a talk with Aqua, alone."

Red perked his head to his grandfather, ears tweaking. Reeve's hands squeezed harder around his tie. Barret rubbed the back of his head. Cloud grunted.

I held my breath for a few seconds, attempting to decipher Bugenhagen's intentions behind the tone of his voice, though he sounded tired, even distant when he said it.

Reeve got up and looked down at me with a crooked smile.

"Well, see you in a bit, then." He waved and left.

Barret marched behind Reeve.

"If I'm not at the Candle, then don't go looking for me," he mumbled. When he closed the door, it slammed a little too hard, making me jolt.

Red neared Bugenhagen's floating orb.

"Grandfather, thank you for letting us store these crystals here," he said, bowing this head slightly.

Bugenhagen's mustache hid his lips, but his cheeks grew, eyes shimmering with a smile.

"Of course. Anything for my Nanaki and his friends." And the elder bowed to his closest relative.

As Red walked across the living room, he bonked his head into my knee, and I patted his head.

"Please know this, Aqua: if there's anything you need from us, we're here for you," he reminded me.

I smiled at his words of wisdom, wondering if this creature knew more than I thought. It was easy to forget how observant he was when he didn't say much.

"Thank you, Red. I'll keep that in mind," I warmed. Red left with a relaxed smile.

Cloud was last to leave, doing so with a sigh as his arms relaxed.

"I'll wait for you outside," he told me, taking a second to hold my hand. I squeezed, smiling tiredly up at Cloud until he had to pull away, and left.

When it was just me and Bugenhagen, the Elder kept his back to me, pondering what to say. He fixed his bouquet of lavender, busying his eyes when he began with, "Aqua, how are you?"

Such a simple question, and yet, I wondered if there was something to it. Was I expected to be formal and give a polite answer, or an honest one? Was Bugenhagen searching for something? I thought too hard about it, my silence enough answer to have him ask another question.

"It's just you now, isn't it?"

I knew what he meant. I nodded, and my hands clasped over my thighs.

Bugenhagen discarded the dying branches of lavender and set them in a clay bowl.

"Though, that won't be for long now, right?" He looked over his shoulder, and a small smile crinkled his cheeks.

I swallowed. No use hiding it.

"If we can save the Planet from Meteor, then yes, I should have a child," I whispered, and I flushed from my neck to my cheeks, still scarcely believing it. At times, I still forgot I was carrying Cloud's child. We haven't even been on one date, and already, we're expected to be parents. The more I thought about it, the more bizarre it seemed. My cold hand settled over my hot forehead, slightly relieved by the comforting chill.

Bugenhagen relaxed, his shoulders dropping and, despite noticing my worried expression, a peaceful smile appeared on his face.

He meshed his hands inside his sleeves, and then turned to me, his orb keeping him afloat near the coach.

"What a joyous blessing," he sighed, tilting his head back to look up at the ceiling, thanking the heavens.

I bit my lip.

"Is it, though?"

Bugenhagen floated closer, and his fragile hands took mine. I gazed upon his hands, seeing the aged spots and many rings of wrinkles around his enlarged joints of arthritis. Despite how frail his hands looked, he squeezed strongly like they were young hands.

"Oh, my dear, Aqua. Of course, it is. You are repopulating a gifted race," he chimed. His white eyebrows lifted when he added, "I take it you are taking the hero route by helping the Planet and your friends?"

I nodded, and pulled my hands free, just to grip my dress tight.

"But, I'm scared. I think the only way for me to stop Sephiroth is using the White Materia. If I do that, I will die, and then, that will be the end to the Ancient race."

Bugenhagen settled his hands behind his back, eyes up at a painting of a glistering blue ocean. He seemed to be interested in the painting more than our conversation, despite how grim it turned out, and it agitated me. This was a deep conversation.

"Did the Planet tell you to do that?" he simply asked.

I blinked, trying to recall, and found nothing like that.

"No. But-"

"Then that's not what you're supposed to do," he advised.

I bit my lip, agitated that he made it sound so easy, but then what was I supposed to do?

"I don't know what to do, Bugen," I whispered, eyes sinking to my fiddling hands. I got lost in the printed flowers of my dress, counting the petals of a lily.

Bugenhagen closed his eyes.

"Have you listened to Aerith, lately?"

I shook my head, sinking further into the coach.

"I can barely hear her through all the noise," I whimpered. I sank my head into my knees, eyes becoming wet.

"I've tried. No dreams of her, nothing. There's nothing. I thought…" I began to crumble.

"I thought we had an unbreakable bond. So then, why?" I sat back up and ran hands over my eyes.

"Why can't I hear her? See her?" Silently, I wept.

Bugenhagen remained quiet. I could feel his eyes as he thought, hearing even the tiniest faint of his breathing, wheezy inhales that could be detected easily in a silent room.

"Perhaps that's the way it is. Even for Ancients. But I wouldn't think Aerith is giving up on you. No. She's with you, with your friends..."

I pulled back my hands, witnessing Bugenhagen's soft gaze when he fixed up his fresh stems of lavender, trembling fingers trying to settle until purple pods of fragrance tapped on his table.

"She's with the Planet, trying to contain it from the dark hands of horrifying evil. I can't say if it's alien or magic, but I hear it. The spirits are being pulled into a place they shouldn't be." His head fell, eyes stuck to the scattered petals of lavender.

Sephiroth.

"Bugen," I stated, demanding his attention. He lifted his tired eyes to me, and I could see the age in them, an exhausted elder with many questions still lurkin. But also a knowing that he doesn't have much time left on this Planet to answer them all.

"I heard the Planet speak of Meteor falling, but not here. Do you know what to make about that?"

Bugenhagen blinked up to the ceiling, as though trying to have a listen for the exact words I've heard days ago. I gave him time to settle in the silence, though heard nothing, not even a whisper. However, Bugenhagen's face darkened, his wrinkles suddenly seeming to have dissolved, and his face carried tension. The dark spectacles hid his eyes behind a flash of light across their lens.

"It could only mean..."

I waited, dreading the pause.

"There's a chance Meteor could fall on your world," he speculated, eyes distant.

Mine widened.

"Impossible," I whispered instantly. That didn't make sense. Meteor is up in the sky, here. How could it possibly reach my world?

"That doesn't make any sense. It's obvious it's here and will fall here. I think you're misunderstanding," I treaded nervously.

Bugenhagen said nothing. Instead, he bowed his head and smiled crookedly. His wrinkles appeared again, and he even chuckled, showing some missing teeth when he laughed, "Hohohooo! You're probably right. My old ears aren't what they used to be!"

Was he forcing that smile or that laugh?

I tensed.

Bugenhagen relaxed, sitting back on his orb, and let out a relaxed sigh, eyes closed.

"I advise you to try meditation before going to bed. Perhaps you may connect with Aerith and find answers," he advised, just throwing it out there like a last minute idea, though, it didn't sound like a terrible idea. I certainly never thought of it.

"I haven't tried that before. What's the harm?" I shrugged.

The elder sighed, his eyes telling me he wanted sleep, but he floated over to the liquor cabinet across the room instead, and took out two bottles of clear liquor.

"Well, I got some moonshine. Better use it up now while we still can!" He laughed, already pouring himself a drink. His laugh turned into horrific coughing that lasted far longer than I care to listen to.

I got up. When Bugenhagen finally cleared his throat, I asked him politely, "Bugen, are you all right? You don't sound as well as you were before."

The old man grinned at me, showing me what teeth he still had left.

"You noticed, huh? Well, we can't live forever. I intend to enjoy Nanaki's company for as long as I'm allowed on this Planet."

To that, he poured himself another drink, and drank it all in one long swallow.

I left Bugenhagen's home feeling unsatisfied, not even as content as the Elder might be feeling to let loose. With a whoosh, he floated pass me, waving his bottles of moonshine around.

"Hohoohoo! Time to drink with my homies!" Off he went, passing a bewildered Cloud sitting on the last step, and disappeared down the slope.

It was dark, the stars, and a few lanterns the only light to the property. Cloud stood with hands in his pockets, taking a spot next to a lantern, and gazed up at me.

"What did he want to talk to you about?" He asked.

I hid my disappointment in what little smile I could formulate.

"About Aerith," I muttered.

Cloud's frown deepened, but he didn't say anything to that. I think I brought him into a depressing place, his mind wandering to where I may not have been. What was it like for him when she died? What were his feelings when he lost the both of us?

I lost it.

Cloud must've been in a terrible place. If he was even willing to give up the Black Materia just to have a chance at saving me, the desperation that flooded through his dark mind must've been suffocating. He's been through just as much as I have, fate leading us to dwell in our own hells for a time before coming back together, licking each other's wounds.

A somewhat real smile then began to take form on my face, one from appreciating Cloud and his efforts. He's done so much for me.

I continued down the steps and slipped into his arms, inhaling his scent. He sighed as he held me, squeezing me more into him as he deflated his chest. He didn't smile, trouble still brewing in his head, but he took my lips with his, generating warmth there.

—

"Aqua, there's something I want to talk to you about," Cloud began. We were sitting around the Cosmo Candle, soaking in the mighty fire's warmth. Its flames whooshed powerfully, reaching ten feet high with bright outstretched hands to the stars. There was someone playing a gentle guitar, giving the evening more of a relaxing feel than a crazy-party feel. Though, Bugenhagen was trying to add some disorder by sharing his moonshine to the rest of the gang and locals. Drinks poured. There was laughter, and dancing. Reeve already had a tie wrapped around his head, an empty glass in his hand.

"Another!" He sang, unable to stand up straight.

Red was telling stories to the locals, shocked looks surrounding him.

Yuffie was lying by the fire, her red face up to the stars.

"I wiz Tifa was herez. She waz the bez drinkin buddy," the girl gurgled to herself.

Cid enjoyed a thick cigar, lying back on a cushion while gazing up at the stars, daydreaming.

Barret was sitting next to a girl, one I've seen with him the last time we were here.

I looked up at the stars, resting my head over Cloud's lap. He, too, was stargazing, Meteor too far off North to take much notice behind canyon walls.

Cloud's tone warned me of a difficult conversation. I felt his stomach and chest rise when he took a deep breath, rising my head a few inches.

"What do you want to discuss?" I asked. I tried not to assume it was going to be about Rufus. Maybe Cloud had other troubling thoughts. I waited, knowing he was going to clarify when he sorted his words.

As I did, I marveled at the stars, so many shapes of them, stuck up in the sky, glimmering. It made me feel insignificant, staring up into space like this. There was this thought, that even if Meteor did fall and destroy this world, the stars will still be up there. Life will still go on in other parts of the universe, other Planets alive and well. We're just a tiny speck in an ocean of sand.

"You lied to me," Cloud said, his voice strained.

I knew what he meant. I blinked, trying to keep my attention at the stars, but my eyes stung.

"I didn't mean to. I wanted to avoid having to explain why Rufus knew," I explained quietly.

Cloud's hand rested over my belly, his other bent behind his head as a pillow.

I could hear the fire crackling, the guitar strumming along, but not as clear as Cloud's voice when he replied, "I know. And you thought I was dead. Whatever happened, I...I can't blame you."

I turned my head, pressing my ear over his chest until I could hear his heart beating faster.

"I just want to know how he knew," Cloud requested. My insides ran cold. I turned my head to look back at the stars, but I wasn't able to appreciate them anymore. I was stuck in the past, terrified of being thrown on that bed, Rufus so close to getting what he wanted.

If I hadn't been pregnant...

I closed my eyes and shook my head.

"I can't tell you that. All you need to know, is that it was the only way to keep his hands off me," I whispered sharply.

Cloud's hand grazed over my belly to squeeze the fabric of my dress into his tight fist.

"Of course," he muttered.

There was a faint blue entering the edge of my vision. I turned my head, and noticed Cloud glowing with Mako. His lap heated, forcing me to prop up and crawl towards him, seeing his intense eyes glued to the night sky.

"Cloud."

I laid a cool hand to his flaming cheek, almost burning, and forced his attention to fall to me. I cupped his cheeks, looking down at him, noses almost touching, while my hair tickled my fingers. Cloud's eyes were in Mako flames, beautiful and bright, but also dangerous, flashing me a fighter wanting to kill. I swallowed, always afraid that I may never get him to come back to me.

"Stay with me. There's no need to think about Rufus or what happened. I'm okay. We're okay," I whispered.

Without waiting for Cloud to relax, I inched my lips closer until I touched his, feeling the intense heat in his breath flaring into my mouth. Eventually, his body cooled, Cloud lost in the kiss, his tongue meeting with mine until they danced gently.

His hard hands began to soften, one pushing back my hair, the other holding my waist. Pressed against his chest, I could feel his heart slowing down. Not wanting to put up too much PDA, I withdrew, finding Cloud back to his relaxed self, mission accomplished, and I gave him a longing look. I desperately wanted to try for a night of intimacy; not many nights left. Though, I was also afraid of another panic attack.

I think Cloud could see my thoughts straight through my eyes, his expression just as strained, pushing back similar desires.

He rubbed my cheek as he said, "You just tell me when you're ready to try again. Anytime, anywhere. Got it?"

I lifted my cheeks, amazed at how he could read me sometimes.

"Anytime, anywhere?" I chimed, the possibilities already sounding entertaining.

Cloud smirked.

"Yep. Anytime, anywhere. Like a wish. Just say it, and I'll stop everything."

I giggled, trying to picture Cloud so eager to get laid, and couldn't really get an accurate image.

"Okay. I'll do that," I promised, sitting up. Cloud pushed himself up and propped himself with his hands behind him, legs out, while waving his boots.

He looked at them, watching their metal toe edges glimmer in orange from the fire.

"There's something else I want to talk about," he cautioned. I looked to his orange glowing face, and found him swallowing.

Cloud couldn't look at me. His Mako eyes rested on the fire, turning green, and he sighed.

"I know we've discussed this only briefly, and at first, I thought I was going to be fine with it. But..." He bent a leg to rest an arm over it.

"After what happened in Junon today, what almost happened to us, I..." he sighed again, a free hand brushed through his hair.

"I don't feel comfortable with you fighting."

There it was. Cloud finally dropped the heavy weight of his thoughts he mulled over all day. I wasn't surprised, though disappointed. I had a feeling that's what he was thinking about, the guilt he had on his face when I caught his gaze earlier.

Desperate to hold something, I hugged my legs.

"If I can't fight, then, what am I supposed to do? Just stay on the airship and wait?" I asked, my voice sounding stronger than expected.

Cloud lowered his eyelids, disappointed that I was going to make this an argument instead of agreeing with him. He wasn't in the mood to argue.

There was laughter bursting out of Reeve and Bugenhagen. For a second, I'd wish I was having fun with them, drinking moonshine and feeling loose and silly.

Everyone around us seemed to be enjoying themselves, unaware of the serious talks Cloud and I had been dealing with on a daily basis.

I sighed, standing up and patting my dress down.

"Can't this wait till later?" I asked, annoyed.

Cloud stood to join, and he surveyed the surrounding atmosphere, eyebrows up with worry.

"I really want to talk about this," he pressed softly.

"Then not here. It's too loud," I muttered. Too cheerful is more like it.

Cloud thought for a moment.

"I know where we should go, then."

—

Even inside a private room at the inn, I could still hear the laughter and guitar playing outside the window. I sat on the bed's edge, awaiting Cloud to press more on the matter while he paced the room. A dim lamp laid a soft glow to one side of the bed, casting shadow to half the room. There was a faint light of the Cosmo Candle through the short, translucent curtain, a warm breeze making its way into the room and blowing my face, trying to simmer my inner rage.

"Aqua, please try to understand how I feel. When I'm fighting beside you, all I can think about is your safety. I'm constantly worried."

He set out to make my eyes reach up to his, but I refused, paying more attention to the cracked stone walls. I crossed my arms.

"So, I'm distracting, is that it?" I replied sharply.

Cloud grunted, like I smacked him, and he stopped pacing to face me with a stone-serious gaze. Mako leaked into his eyes.

"No. That's not it. It's because you're holding our child." He said it so sternly, like taking hands at my throat. I swallowed with difficulty, uncertain how to respond to such a heavy truth. Does being pregnant suddenly make me frail? Must I stand and watch on the sidelines again? Take on the submissive role that I so feared to endure?

"No!"

I jumped to my feet and glared up at Cloud, daring to gaze into his twin blue flames.

"I will not stand back and do nothing, just because I'm pregnant. I did not ask you to stay and parent me like this. I gave you a choice to stay or leave. Just because you decided to stay with me doesn't mean you get to decide how I should live my life. I will not stop fighting. And if you can't protect me, then tough shit, you can't do everything, Cloud."

Cloud frowned deeply. The handle of his Hardedge sword poking from his back suddenly seemed intimidating.

"You're right. I did decide to stay. I never thought I would ever be a father. Ever. But if I am to take responsibility as one, as Vincent said to me, then I have to do this," Cloud warned.

I shook my head.

"Do what? Force me to sit by and let you and our friends save the Planet? No way. Not happening."

Cloud grunted, clenching his teeth.

"God damn it, Aqua."

His hands reached, taking my shoulders hard, and pulled me closer to him, his heavy breathing falling into my face.

"Don't you get it? I can't stand the idea of losing you. I want you fucking safe."

I rested my hands on his chest, trying not to get easily swallowed by his burning eyes. Did they show hunger or rage? Could his body tell between the two?

"Cloud, being with you is the safest place on the Planet," I reasoned, and I thought it to be entirely true.

But doubt flashed in Cloud's eyes, his hold tightening. He dropped his head.

"Not today," he dropped in a whisper.

So, that's what this was really all about. He was still feeling guilty after what happened in Junon.

I took his face into my hands, making him raise his head, and pulled his face in.

"Cloud, you didn't mean to have us in danger like that. It's rare of you. We got out, didn't we? Please stop beating yourself up over it," I begged.

Cloud swallowed.

"I let my anger cloud my judgement," he revealed. His eyes moistened.

"I failed to save Aerith. I let Sephiroth summon meteor. I almost lost you so many times. It's so hard," he whispered sharply, barely able to take a breath.

I froze, not expecting more layers of his guilt take surface and be the core of this argument.

"Cloud, we all make mistakes. Even someone like you," I replied, trying to reach him.

He pulled me into his arms, almost crushing me with only an ounce of his strength. His body trembled, eyes shoved over my shoulder until I felt moisture across my skin.

"I'm scared I won't be able to defeat Sephiroth. And when we all die, it will be all my fault," Cloud whimpered.

I blinked, and moisture collected at the bottom of my eyes, returning Cloud's hold as tight as I could. His lips tickled my shoulder, shaking as he tried to push back tears. Suddenly, the outside noise faded, the world disappearing. It was just me and Cloud in our tiny room, and I held him as long as he needed, his insecurities and fears getting the best of him.

This is what it's like behind the scenes of a hero. He's not going to always put up a brave face. Out there to the world, heroes may seem put together, ready for anything, but they are really just like everybody else. The only thing that stood out between Cloud and the rest of the world, was his Mako infused body, and the great pressure on his shoulders. It must be terrifying to feel that the world depended on you. I've been feeling similar, dreading the idea that there was only one possible way to stop Meteor, my life a cost. But if Bugenhagen was right, then maybe there was another way.

How did it turn out this way? Being the heroes?

I was just an ordinary physician in Manhattan, worried about little things, like pondering my next career move, or martial arguments with Isaac.

Now the weight of the world was hanging over our heads, suffocating us to the point of doubts flourishing. Cloud was just a lost soul, a boy with dreams, and taken advantage of by Shinra.

How remarkable this is where we are now.

Cloud pulled back, rubbing away his small amount of tears, and looked down at me with a searching look. I cupped his cheeks and pulled him in to kiss me. He welcomed it, pressing hard against me and losing himself in the embrace, glad to be sucked in like a child making up for the love he lost from losing his mother. His body pushed me back, forcing us to fall on the bed together. Cloud's lips wandered, taking a spot over my neck, but he froze, gazing down at my skin under the faint lamp. He pulled down a strap and stared. Metal fingers traced along the line of my scar, a three inch long pink line.

I watched how Cloud's eyes focused, that guilty look again, followed by longing.

"Is that from me?" He whispered. Again, his fingers ran down the scar.

I recalled the moment I woke up from that encounter, how upset I was. Cloud's Hardedge carving into me. The blood. It was everywhere. I thought I was going to die from hypovolemic shock.

I swallowed before I croaked, "Yes."

I gasped, startled to be feeling his warm lips over the scar.

"I tried so hard to fight it. I'm sorry I did this to you."

I shivered from his soft kisses, falling lower than the scar, tickling under my dress until he tugged it down further.

When he asked, "Do you still think I'm the safest place for you on the Planet?" I responded with pulling his face back to mine, and gave him another deep kiss.

"Yes."

That was all I needed to say, the rest in my eyes when Cloud swam into them, his gaze glowing. The Mako couldn't decipher if his desires meant preparing for a battle, the same system of intense emotions taking form.

It was funny going backwards in our intimate moments. Our first went straight to the finish line, a build up of desires and possible last chances pulled us to not giving a damn. Now, it was sensual foreplay, lips and hands wandering, clothes slipping off, bodies pressed together, holding and whispering last minute thoughts of the day.

"You're right about earlier. I can't make you just sit and watch us battle. But I hope you know, I can't stand it," Cloud whispered before kissing a nipple.

I whimpered, his hot breath and wet lips sending waves of pleasure up my chest.

He came back up to kiss me. I could feel his lips trembling, his breath shaking with pent up energy he knew he couldn't release, making each kiss and hold as fierce as it was our first night together. I felt terrible, making Cloud wait, barely able to even handle his hands when they grew too rough, my breath quickening with anxiety. He must've felt my growing apprehension because he began to relax, kissing me until I began to melt with him. For a long time, we refused to fall asleep.

Long after the outside world died down to just the distant cackling of Cosmo's Candle, I laid in bed, looking up to the stone ceiling. Cloud slept tranquilly, his hand still gripping my breast. It was difficult to just lay like this, his hot body leaning against mine, head sinking into my shoulder, his slow breath on my neck and steady heart at my arm.

How was I supposed to meditate like this?

I wanted to peel his hand off, but his fingers gripped hard, even in sleep, refusing to let go.

I scoffed at the ceiling, smacking a hand on the bed with annoyance. Cloud was naturally a light sleeper, but tonight, he seemed worn out, Junon and his tensed thoughts wearing him down to exhaustion, not even a budge nor stir from him when I made a second attempt at removing his strong hand. It was like peeling back fingers made of stone, giving up when I couldn't get free.

Trying to ignore Cloud's grip, I closed my eyes, taking deep breaths. I wasn't familiar with meditating, only trying it a few times when it failed to settle my anxiety. With Cloud being next to me, the voices were nonexistent. Nothing but a comfortable silence fell, a blessing to another calm night.

Deep breathing. I inhaled slowly, held it, and then exhaled just as slow. I did this for a long time, losing track with drifting thoughts, but able to remind myself to come back to center. I thought of Aerith, as though I could manifest her by my mind alone, hoping she would hear me trying to reach her.

Still no voices. Nothing but a dark void behind my eyes, edging me to fall asleep instead of focusing on my breath.

I couldn't be certain if I fell into a dream or if the meditation worked. One minute, I was counting in my head.

And then the next...

I opened my eyes.

I wasn't lying in the dark with Cloud anymore. The dark room turned into a bright, cloudy place. The bed was all soft white and yellow flowers, most of them in full bloom.

Was this a dream?
I gasped, pulling my arms back, brushed against the petals, and quickly stood up. The air was completely still. The flowers remained frozen in time, only to move when I jerked back and forth to get an idea of where I was, my bare feet stumbling over them. My flower dress spun when I twirled around, seeing nothing but flowers. No sky, no horizon. Just an expansive land of flowers under a white, foggy world.

It was neither warn nor cold. When I inhaled, I couldn't even smell the flowers, puzzled with my senses.

"Aerith?" I called out, wondering if she was here.

I searched for her, but saw no one. It felt like she was here, somewhere.

"This is your place, isn't it? This is where you go when you want to get away from what's happening in the Lifestream," I guessed aloud. I imagined her afraid, trying to pull against the current that's being sucked into Sephiroth's devouring stage, like swimming up a river. Her arms crawled, hands reaching for salvation. When she got far enough but couldn't take it anymore, she would come here, to rest, to think, and to pray.

"Aerith isn't here."

My whole body jerked.

Very slowly, afraid to startle the voice away, I turned around. First, with a look over my shoulder, and then when I saw a trace of long, white blond hair, I turned completely around, and just stared.

It was my real Mother.

47