One More Kiss

She's slicing an apple. Just sitting there, cutting it slice by slice. Perfect shiny blade. Perfect shiny apple. The forbidden fruit.

I can feel her hatred even though she's not facing me. She doesn't want to face me. Doesn't want to look me in the eye. She probably thinks she'll catch something. Or maybe she just doesn't want to see me hating her back.

I don't want to hate her. Everyone always thinks "how can you hate your own mother?" Even Justin always says that. But I hate her so much that every time I look at the knife I want to kill her. It scares me sometimes. I always think I can still remember her when she first figured out how to feel guilty.

"I am a good mother!" she said. "I am sick of you trying to make me feel guilty!"

I figure she is a good mother, if you really consider a mother's job. A mother's job is to scream their way through childbirth, no matter how hard. And when the baby suffocates to tell the doctors:

"Don't worry about me, just save the baby." So she can say she would have died for me. And when the baby's born to take it in her own hands and cut off its breath and make sure it never breathes again. A mother's job is to sacrifice their children on the altar of their own wasted dreams. To kiss their children goodnight every night, but make sure each kiss is the kiss of death.

My mother did her job well.

Nobody wants to hate their own mother, but I don't see how I can't. She's put me through so much; I know it sounds self centred and I know she went through a lot too. But you didn't have my childhood. How can I forgive her when almost every memory I have is of her hating me? You wouldn't believe some of the things she said to me, if you hadn't been there too. I know she did the same to you. That's why you left me, because of her. It wasn't because of me.

It was because of me too. You knew you were better off without both of us.

Fuck You.

Her hatred might have killed me, but her love was worse. When she loved me, she tried to change me. And that made me hurt her. There was nothing I could do.

Nothing I could do. That's my damn trademark. It's not that I don't know how to feel guilty, I just learned to be retentive too. Some nights I think about what I did and it makes me sick. But it's over and done. Washed my hands of it. There's a lot of people I can blame, why start with myself? I've got enough to think about. She feels guilty, I can see that. Guilt does no good. Guilt always backfires.

The forbidden fruit. I want a bite. It's sweet.

I love him so much. I bet that surprised you, you probably thought I was incapable of love. I loved you too. Sorry.

Every time I think about him I want him. It's like a disease. But that's what she would say. I wish I was like him. He's gentle, when he touches me I forget. I just want to taste his lips and lick off his tears…..I'd better stop before this gets gross. I bet you think it's disgusting. Let's face it, you're my Dad. If he was a GIRL it would still be disgusting to you.

But he's not.

You can't help who you love.

You can't help who you hate.

The worst thing is when I look at her and think how she's keeping me and Justin apart and how much I hate her for it. Then I wonder if he felt the same about you. Because sometimes I don't know what I could do, when you have love and hate that strong in the world. But I don't want to feel anything that he might have felt. Not after what he's done. I'm glad he's dead – it worked out pretty well for me, except the raw part of me wishes I'd killed him myself. Slowly.

But objectively, I almost know what he was feeling and that's what keeps me awake at night. Then, objectively, I know how much he hurt her. Objectively, I know she loved you.

Life doesn't happen objectively

I always think I could see Justin just one more time. Give him one more kiss. But then I know I'd want more.

I love him, and he's all I have now. I can still love him. Why should I feel guilty for the best thing I've ever done?

Do you remember when I was little, and you used to kiss me goodnight? I wish we could go back to that time. Wish you could give me one more kiss goodnight.

One more kiss is never enough. Not for anyone.

RIP Rex Van De Kamp

Andrew xxx