32
The Last Memory
Light.
Behind that hand, there was the light of Cloud's sword. It cut through the darkness, and I let him pull me towards it until my feet landed softly on a cold, hard floor.
More light appeared, the next being Mako filled tanks, the haze of the energy leaking through pipes to create a pale green fog into the dreary world. Next to build up, weak fluorescent lights, until I could easily see Cloud standing under them.
He watched me quietly as I spun slightly to view inside his memory.
The fresh Mako smell. The bodies floating in the tanks. Books in shelves neatly tight. Test tubes, specimen jars and microscopes huddled on lab benches. A limp body laid upon an exam table, its carcass white with its face hidden in a plastic bag.
I looked away from that when bile reached my throat, and focused back to Cloud.
"Is this..." My words ran dry, afraid to even say it.
As though he knew what I was about to ask, Cloud nodded, not minding to finish for me.
"The lab. This is how it happened," he began. His eyes glowed at me with relief.
"And I can be here with you this time, to see it."
The uneasiness disappeared, Cloud near giving me air to finally breathe. He seemed surprisingly calm despite where we were. Every so often, I wondered if it was the Mako that helped with his anxiety, acting as a miracle drug for anxiety and depression among SOLDIERs, or if he was just often cool-headed at heart.
"Are you sure you want to remember this?" I checked, teeth together uneasily.
Cloud's eyes glowed as he nodded.
"I would like to know."
Those were the words to trigger the memory.
Footsteps approached, breaking us away from our conversation when it all started. Loud slapping of wooden heels pranced over concrete.
I turned around to track the noise, and walking into the lab from the library, came Hojo's assistant. A nervous face, probably no older than Cloud, with a mess of brown hair in a ponytail, maybe to try to look like Hojo. The scientist carried a tin tray filled with large, plastic syringes, packets of liquid shakes and bottles of what appeared to be tube feed.
"Time for dinner," he sang as he put the tray on a bench. He was whistling to himself, in a cheerful mood. Maybe having the lab to himself was pleasant, despite the many bodies floating in tanks around him. One would get used to it, I suppose, the constant exposure desensitizing the individual to feel much empathy to the victims of Hojo's collection.
I stood near Cloud's tank, taking a hand to it and, through the glass, felt the chill of its Mako infested liquid inside. It still threw me off, making me believe I was actually here instead of in a memory. The Cloud inside the tank appeared asleep, his chin tucked over his chest when his head bobbed up and down weakly. He breathed into a mask, bubbles escaping with each exhale. IVs pumped whatever bags of toxins Hojo had set up on hanging poles along the ceiling, many chandeliers of metal arms carrying liquid filled medications and feeds.
I couldn't stand to see Cloud like this. Just a body floating in a tank, connected to tubes, and stuck in his Shinra uniform. His hair has grown since the last memory. Arms and legs stuck out, too much skin exposed, his uniform clearly too small.
Closely, I drew my face towards his until I could feel the cold radiate onto my cheeks. I had to get on my toes to try to align with his height, but ended up craning my head back to gaze at his face. A face of grimacing. Bubbles tickled up along his cheek, when an eye opened.
Covered by the hue of liquid Mako, his iris appeared bright green when his eye squinted. It closed, and more bubbles passed. Cloud's chest expanded and withdrew, breathing very slowly.
My fingers curled, wishing to claw inside and pull him free. This was a memory, and yet, I wanted to save him. I was stuck as a ghost, unable to do anything but watch.
His eyes opened slightly, but focused on nothing, not even noticing me. Behind them, I saw a broken man, lost in the poisoning.
No glint of life. No soul. Nothing.
"Cloud," I shivered, the scene burning my eyes.
A hand took a firm hold on my shoulder, making me gasped as I twirled.
Cloud, the real one, lowered his eyelids when he studied me. The tank emitted a gentle green hue onto his face.
"It's okay. I'm here," he reminded, drawing me back to this being a memory and not some sort of hell I was stuck in.
I swallowed my tears, and nodded.
"Okay," I cracked, trying to hold it together.
"Here we go!" Hojo's assistant announced with a smile, up on his toes. He seemed to move with a dancer-like grace, the lab his stage for his performance. His lab coat flared out like a tutu when he spun to retrieve a large 60mL syringe, and drew a milky liquid from a plastic box.
Some nutrition dribbled on the floor when he spun towards the two tanks.
"You first," the scientist pointed out, not eyeing at Cloud, but the other one.
I came closer, almost to the man's side, and saw Zack struggling to keep his eyes open.
Up close, I thought the SOLDIER looked a lot like a young John Travolta with that attractive cleft chin, but crazy black, hedgehog hair. He seemed to be made up of all muscle, his arms, and legs pinned by metal braces while stuck in the Mako bath.
The scientist plunged the syringe in one of the tubes that trailed up into Zack's tank, but something was amiss. He couldn't push down the feed.
"Huh?"
It wasn't going in. A clog somewhere?
I saw it even before he noticed. One of the tubes going into Zack's large, intrajugular vein, had been kinked. There was a knot, floating there beside his ear. It looked irregular, rare to be made naturally.
"What?" Hojo's assistant spat, finally noticing it. "How did that happen?"
He fumed, tossing aside the filled syringe back on the tray, and checked the computer screen beside the tanks.
"Hmm, sedation at max. Should be fine," he reassured himself, taking deep breaths.
After a few clicking of keys, the Mako began to flush from Zack's tank, but only until it hovered around his waist, still half full. But it was enough for the assistant to trouble shoot, walking over to inspect.
"Should be fine," he said again, sounding less uncertain. The closer he neared Zack, the more he shook.
I circled Zack's tank, suspecting something was amiss, since this was Cloud's memory after all. This had to be the day of their escape. What did Zack do to accomplish such a feat? Five years up to this? So much of his black hair laid damp, dripping of Mako while the lines of peripheral tubes laid over his shoulders. I carefully inspected the lines like it was a picture puzzle; spot the one thing that was abnormal.
"How did you do it, Zack?" I asked myself, studying him carefully. Whatever he did, I couldn't see it.
The nervous scientist took deep breaths as he stepped onto a small stepladder, and released pressure from the tank's seal before sliding an upper door open. A great smell of Mako plummeted in the lab, the man at least smart enough to wear a tight-fitting face mask to fight against the fumes blowing against him. His shaky purple gloved hands reached inside, aiming for the tube feed's knot. Purple fingers touched, and fiddled, uncapping the line from an IV site, and the boy began to relax.
All that fear for nothing.
Suddenly, a gauntlet hand shot out from a metal cuff, dripping with Mako when it grabbed at the kid's wrist.
The kid screamed, but another hand came at his throat to squeeze it until his scream turned into a muffled choke.
Upon a pale face, Zack's eyes opened, flashing Mako lightning with predatory instinct.
He clenched his teeth, squeezing until the scientist's body shook aggressively, face red and swollen behind his mask. His little eyes were ready to pop. Feet and arms wiggled, like prey stuck in a spider's web, desperate to get free before it were to be devoured. But the spider won, Zack's one hand choke hold too strong.
Arms and legs laid limp and slack, permission to let go. The body of the scientist slumped on the floor, his skull cracked open from impact.
"Finally," Zack croaked, his voice coarse. He began to pull at the rest of the tubes without a wince, his blood dripping free into the Mako surrounding him.
He then reached down into the shackles around his ankles, and pried them open with his strength.
"How did he do it?" I asked Cloud, knowing he was watching very closely.
He crossed his arms and carried his weight over to one leg when he widened his stance.
"It looks like Zack pretended to have his wrists bound. He must've been waiting for Hojo's departure as a perfect opportunity to try to escape. The tube feed knot was a good idea," he speculated.
Zack kicked the rest of the glass door down, and it shattered across the floor into millions of pieces.
"Fresh air," he sighed, Mako eyes up to the ceiling after he stepped out. I gawked at him, seeing someone with the impression they just stepped out of a hot bath tub, not a torture Mako tank. The poisonous stuff dripped off him like bright aqua rain, creating a puddle under his boots. Fully clothed in his SOLDER uniform, Zack disregarded how soaked he was when he stretched his arms up, smiling endlessly.
"Oh man, it feels so good to stretch. Ow!" He cracked a few knots along his back after some waist twists. A couple of squats and lunges later, Zack exhaled extensively before glancing at the tank next to him.
"Oh yeah!"
Cloud floated lifelessly inside, unaware of the events that transpired.
"I don't get it. He doesn't seem too affected by the Mako," I wondered aloud.
Cloud rubbed at his chin, watching Zack make a straight shot for his Buster sword upon a wall.
"He's SOLDIER. He's already been injected with Mako years ago. He's used to it," Cloud explained.
I lifted my brows. "Ah, okay. That makes sense," I replied.
Zack lifted his Buster sword with ease, and performed a clean, vertical slice, top to bottom along Cloud's tank. The glass quickly cracked upon pressure of the Mako pouring out, gushing over his legs, but he didn't care. Another cut, and more glass fell away. Half the lab flooded in a neon bluish green glow.
Cloud slumped, head forward, but the shackles kept ahold.
"I got you, buddy," Zack whispered, tearing away at the lines, tubes and metal bindings.
Other than flicker his eyes open weakly, Cloud said nothing. Zack strung Cloud's wet arm over his shoulder and hoisted him up without struggle.
"Let's get out of here. I've got a girl waiting for me. What about you?"
Cloud replied with only a bob of his head, eyes lifeless. He's alive, but nobody was home.
I didn't like seeing him like this. Suffered from the Mako poisoning, he couldn't even register what was happening around him, a man stuck inside himself.
"It's like how you were in Mideel," I muttered, shivering from the memory.
My Cloud watched me with crossed arms, taking in what I said and replied, "That bad, huh?"
I nodded as I watched Zack carry a damaged Cloud out of the lab, leaving me perplexed.
"So, you both escaped?" I asked, just to make sure. Cloud stepped beside me as the lab faded. Shadows appeared, but the light from his sword scared them off easily, keeping us in a bubble of a lit sanctuary.
"Yes. I remember. We both escaped the lab. Zack was able to hitch a ride, and..." Cloud rubbed at his temple.
"We took a truck across the canyons."
"How far did you two go?" I asked. With the sword's light behind him, the shadows of his face tensed and he closed his eyes tightly. He squeezed his head between his hands.
"Almost," he whispered. "So close. We were so close."
It must've taken Zack days, maybe even weeks to lunge a broken Cloud across one continent to the other.
I heard seagulls, and found to be standing on the deck of a steel ship. It was a hot day, the sky clear with an angry sun. Zack smiled up at it while leaning back against a crate.
"Wow, look at that sun," he gasped, eyes sparkling up at it while he laid his hands behind his head, muscular arms exposed and elbows pointed to the sky.
Cloud laid limp next to him, basking in the sun like a human sized doll. His eyes were still dull, face lack of expression.
"I can't stand this," the real Cloud grunted, looking away at himself. He gripped the ship's edge and took to the sea to clear his frustration.
"I was so poisoned. And yet, Zack took me along. I can't believe it." He smiled sadly to himself, the cool breeze ruffling his spiky hair.
I stood next to him, elbows resting on the rail, and smiled lightly.
"Yeah. You had a great friend," I echoed.
"Hey, look what I found!" Zack cheered. I spun around to find him lifting a suitcase.
"There's a uniform in here. Smells better, too. We can look like two SOLDIER just returning home from a rough assignment. No one will care," Zack explained. I liked that he spoke to Cloud even if there was never a reply or acknowledgement of being heard. Maybe it was more for himself, keeping him sane just to talk to anyone.
"Well, that's how you got your uniform," I chirped, looking away when Zack started to strip wounded Cloud from his gunman clothes.
Cloud kept his back to the scene, done with this memory already.
"I just want to get to the part of what happened to Zack. Everything seemed to be going fine. Maybe we just went our separate ways in Midgar?" Cloud wondered. He looked up at a seagull flying over him.
I frowned at the blue waves.
If that were true, then perhaps Aerith would've been happier inside.
No. Something happened to Zack, something terrible.
I remembered the look on Aerith's face when she shook her head towards her lap, a broken smile to her delicate face when Cloud and I tried to pry more of out her about her first love: Zack.
It doesn't really matter.
Back in that park outside Sector 7, Aerith hugged her knees. Her eyes had shifted to memories of their time together, her smile frozen while she hit rewind. I saw it, that one-second shatter of her brightness, but Aerith was highly resilient, and it disappeared just as quickly.
I blinked to get out of that filmstrip, and back to Cloud's memory. I squinted at him under the sun's glare.
"What happened after this?" I asked.
A gull cried. Waves crashed up against the boat, rocking it.
Cloud shook his head, lost in my question.
"I don't know. I remember rain, and feeling alone."
Thunder roared, causing me to jump. There was a flash of lightning. Like putting a movie fast-forward, black and grey clouds came in to hide the sun, and brought with it, rain.
The deck of the ship faded, its steel promenade turning into hard earth. The deck chairs morphed into boulders and dead trees, and the sounds of waves turned into the splashing of rain hitting a barren wasteland heavily.
Cloud looked up, rain smashing onto his cheeks.
"Yes, I remember this. It rained. And the land, it was rough."
I surveyed the place around us, no particular landmark in the middle of nowhere.
"The outskirts of Midgar," I guessed, recalling the familiar terrain. No life, just rock, a few dead trees, and dirt under harsh rain. Scorpions and critters escaped into crevices and under rocks to hide from the acidity of the downpour.
I let a hand out, feeling the cool rain hit my skin, still surprised to to be experiencing it like I was really here. I couldn't get used to it. Cloud was already soaked, the spikes of his hair slumped from the added weight of water. One of his longer spikes that hugged his face had clung to his cheek, but he didn't care, too absorbed in the scene when he spun quick to track movement.
His face whitened, but his sword had flickered to a dim state. Mako eyes latched onto something far away. I followed his stare, and spotted the distant figure of Zack, his dark hair easily contrasting with the dull environment.
He seemed to still be dragging a poisoned Cloud off a beaten path, far from the main road.
Out of nowhere, someone screamed, "There he is!"
I gasped to the shouts, and turned with Cloud to find a small army of Shinra men following closely. They grit their teeth, holding their swords and guns close, and disregarded the heavy rain as their boots charged through mud.
I gawked at the number of infantrymen as they sprinted.
"Why are they after him?" I asked.
No time to answer, Cloud took my hand and pulled me along to run with him.
"Let's see what happens," he encouraged, and we ran through dead shrubs and over cracks of the earth. We seemed to be high in elevation, the air thinning as we grew closer to Zack.
Close up, he appeared bruised and bloody, panting as he continued to slug Cloud over his shoulder. His sword looked to be stained with blood, the rain meddling with it until a light trail fell behind in his footprints.
But remarkably, the SOLDIER still smiled. The rain washed away the filth and wounds on his face, blue eyes sparkling at the view ahead.
"Almost there," he gushed.
Gun shots fired. The sparkle was gone, and Zack narrowed his eyes.
"Damn it. Them again," he hissed. He took a quick glance over his armored shoulder, and already knew how many there were.
"At least sixty of them. Man, they don't give up, do they?" He tried to joke, but his voice slightly shook despite his grin.
He darted farther along the cliff's edge, and slumped a passive Cloud in the mud.
I walked closely to inspect him: still the same as before, just a body with lifeless eyes, but a groan escaped his lips. For a few seconds, his eyes flashed to the sky with spirit, trying to wake up from his coma. I knelt beside him, and gripped his hand.
"Cloud, wake up," I tried.
But he was already gone again, lying still and appearing dead. My eyes stung as they blinked away rain water.
Zack took a knee to Cloud's other side and tossed him a confident smile.
"Hey, don't worry, buddy. I'll take care of them, and then we will be on our way again. Together, we'll be mercenaries, just you and me," he assured. He stole a glance at the view of Midgar behind the hazy acidic rain, a gated city of metal and reactors behind blurry lines. A short-lived glimmer of fear flashed over his face, but then he pressed his lips together and took a deep breath. He was so close, he could hold Midgar in the palm of his hand.
More bullets fired, triggering Zack to jump to his feet, sword drawn.
"Determined bastards, aren't you?!" He screamed towards the incoming men.
Thunder roared with him, the sky echoing his rage.
I couldn't track Zack's speed, his body darting along the hedge and rock to stab into an army of unforgiving men.
Cries broke out. Blood spilled. Guns dropped. More gun fire. Zack grit his teeth as he dodged or blocked bullets. A few grazed his arms. One plunged into his chest, but he fought through it. He turned himself into a Mako beast, appearing unstoppable in its light.
I stayed on my knees beside wounded Cloud, and kept a hand to my heart. There was this fear that at any second, one of those infantrymen will walk on over and shoot at Cloud's body, just to keep him dead if he didn't already look it.
"He's so strong," I gasped, watching the magnificent SOLDIER take on an army by himself without hesitation. Did Cloud look like this when he fought Rufus's army in the forgotten city?
Seeing it now, how he may have appeared, I shook. My heart pounded hard up my neck and into my ears when I tensed up. Even when Zack kept the battle a few yards away, I could smell the blood from here. Limbs flew everywhere. Cries of mercy blending with more thunder. A flash of lightning glared over Zack's body, putting him in the spotlight to easily display all the bullet holes in him. I thought it was rain swarming my cheeks, but the warmth told me it was tears, unaware that I had been crying silently.
More bullets shoved into Zack, and blood leaked, coating his shirt and pants. His movements weakened, the confident smile gone.
There were still too many of them, and he knew it.
Zack stood before the many infantrymen, shaking with the difficulty of staying on his feet when he was ready to collapse. I wish I could've seen his face, his last expression a mystery, but his voice told me enough.
I pictured him still smirking, determined to never give up when he said, "You'll never stop-!"
Bang! Bang! Bang! More bullets from quick fire, jolting Zack into chaotic spasms upon impact. He was pushed back by force, one shaky foot stepping backwards, and then another with rigid motion.
I inhaled a gasp so quick, I forgot to breathe for a few seconds.
Zack began to fall backwards. His tight fist around his sword's handle loosened. I kept a hold of my breath, the sounds of the crashing of rain, the bullets, the howling wind and thunder all gone for just a few seconds. In slow motion, he was a fallen angel, still smiling even though he was about to take his last breath. His black hair waved over his shoulders and up along his cheekbones. Drops of blood and rain speckled off him, holding to the air like tiny perfect spheres of rubies and diamonds.
Another flash of lightning, illuminating blood across his sword at his side, falling alongside him like another comrade down.
Zack's eyes glimmered with one last nanosecond of his thoughts, one portrayed in his smile: Peace of mind.
At the same time as his sword, Zack made impact with the muddy earth. The slow motion faded, and the sounds of the world returned.
I jumped to my feet and ran to him.
"Wait! This can't be it!" I cried, my voice that of a ghostly echo, not quite belonging with the scene.
When I neared, I peered down at his destroyed body to find his sky-blue eyes left open to the cloudy heavens.
The Shinra army marched closer. One infantryman gave Zack's body a few more bullets, just in case. It jerked to each bullet until the shooter was satisfied.
"Finally," he sighed through his teeth.
"Hey, what about this one?"
I looked over my shoulder, eyes widening when I spotted more of them crowd around broken Cloud.
"No! Stay away!" I shouted, feet slipping over mud when I sprinted towards his body, and just flew over him like a shield. I knew it was stupid, that I was not really there when it happened, so it didn't matter what I said or did. But I couldn't help myself, sobbing quietly while my hands dug in the mud, keeping Cloud securely under me while the gunner's boots came close to my face.
He aimed his gun. I closed my eyes, expecting a bullet through my skull.
"This one's already gone," another gunman interrupted. More of them showed up, frowning down at Cloud like he was trash.
Guns withdrew.
"Yeah. You're right."
The clacking of their guns, boots, and muttering disappeared. When the army descended, the real Cloud appeared from behind the wall of them. I forgot that he was there, and he watched it all quietly behind the scenes, left in a state of frozen shock. When it was all clear, his eyes couldn't look away at Zack's body, mouth left open.
I sat up, pulling my muddy hands onto my lap, and watched Cloud take it all in.
"Zack..." he shuddered.
Rain filled in the deep footprints of the army that just left, many of them surrounding Zack.
Cloud's eyes omitted great amounts of Mako light, unable to look away from the horrid scene.
"Zack..." he said again, calling to him.
I heard grunting under my ear, urging me to look down, and to my surprise, found the old Cloud with his eyes open for the first time. They sparkled with life, a real human being behind them. Rain washed at his face, lips shaking open to let out a gasp, as though woken from a terrible nightmare.
He didn't see me, as I expected, when I got up and took a step back.
This Cloud, the one awaking from his coma, looked different from my Cloud. This one shivered under the rain's mercy as he struggled to lift his head. He gasped when he spotted Zack's body, and stiffened when he blinked to become more awake.
"No..." he cracked.
Very slowly, Cloud rolled onto his stomach, and crawled towards Zack, his eyes never leaving him.
"No..."
Each time his arm pulled him closer, it shook more. The closer he got, the more he grimaced, more life spilling into his eyes with each movement of effort.
"No," he wheezed, already breathless. Just a few more arm lengths, until, finally, a muddy Cloud curled next to Zack. He leaned over him to peer into his face.
"Zack..."
Muddy hands shook his shoulders.
Nothing.
"Zack..."
I held still, and suddenly sobbed as though parts of Aerith were stuck inside me, her ghostly hands reaching for her fallen beloved. She must've felt it when he died, didn't she? She knew. There was no telegram. No phone call.
Sparkles of green began to flutter out of Zack's body, and that's when Cloud's eyes grew with more vitality, expanding further and further when they followed the trails of Zack's spirit into the sky. He shook Zack hard.
"Please! Please don't leave me," he cried mightily, eyes spilling with rain and tears.
Another jolt hit me hard, that plea of his sounding familiar, a far away cry from somewhere in the past we've shared. It sent shivers up my spine, leaving me endlessly sobbing.
"Now I understand," I choked, one hand rubbing at my eyes. The PTSD episodes, the terrible headaches from the brain only protecting Cloud from his repressed memories, the desire to be more than what he was when he continued in as a replica of Zack. All of it.
The trauma became too much. Cloud felt so at fault for losing Zack, he soon BECAME Zack, keeping the memory alive as a way to settle the fresh scars that stabbed his core sharper than Sephiroth's sword. Eventually, Cloud believed he was Zack when he shoved his inner self down into the pits, ashamed at who he was.
The Cloud witnessing his memory still stood stiff, lost in the scene, but his eyes told me he was reliving it, the same tears flowing just as his younger self spilled.
"I understand, too," he whimpered, standing there as his eyes reflected the green light to Zack's spirit fluttering away like a free bird.
The worst of it happened when broken Cloud screamed at the top of his lungs, his fists raised over his head towards the heavens he despised for taking his only friend.
I covered my ears, waiting for it to be over, when he smashed his fists into the mud, splashing filth upon his battered face.
Cloud stayed on his knees for a while, left in the silence of Zack's corpse as he processed it all. His shaky gauntlet hand reached, and took a hold of the Buster sword. Zack's Buster sword.
Very slowly, with his head down, Cloud collected himself. He fell a few times, his legs quaking each time he tried to use them. He hasn't stood up on his own for years, lugging the sword along, but he struggled to even lift it up. Instead, he dragged it, hissing through his teeth as he wobbled towards the edge of the cliff, and emotionless, observed the scenery.
Lightning flashed, followed by thunder.
Midgar was close, just a few miles, as the city stood with possibilities for the broken man. The rain washed away the mud and blood like he was slowly washing away his horrible memories without even realizing it. Cloud was no longer the whimpering, tearful infantryman, but a man about to experience rebirth. His eyes stared at Midgar blankly. It was just a place, nothing in particular special about it, but Cloud felt it beckoning him. He grunted as he dragged the Buster sword along, its sharp edge digging a thin trail into the ground as he took each step carefully upon descend.
The barren wasteland turned dark, but the rain stayed.
I stood in the darkness with Cloud, unable to look at him.
"I'm so sorry," I whispered sharply, uncertain what else to really say.
He swallowed as another memory unfolded. Buildings stacked of brick and cement appeared under the same, cloudy sky. It might've even been the same rain fall as the last scene unfolded.
Cloud lifted his gaze, already spotting what he needed to see, and told me, "This is the last of it."
I stepped into the memory, and found him easily, a battered body among a wall of others like him. Lost souls, forgotten men and women, slumped like they were broken and left for the rain to wash them away. It seemed like a post-war image, fallen soldiers or those without homes stuck to a brick wall, the only thing giving them support to sit up or else they will sink into the earth and drown without a fight.
Cloud sat against that wall, his eyes dull and lost. Zack's sword laid beside him like a lost relic, the only key to his memories that cooked until they melted. He didn't mind the rain, nor the stares of passers, eyes on him like he was a bum without a purpose.
Who knew that this very same man, would become the Planet's only hope.
I rammed my palms into my eye sockets to shove away the wretched scene.
"No more. Please, just...No more," I begged, unable to stop crying.
Footsteps neared, and then his hands curved over my shoulders gently.
"We can go now," Cloud advised. I spun and rammed into his shirt, shaking from forcing the tears to stay inside, but they wouldn't stop.
"I understand," I repeated, grabbing tight to his back while rubbing my eyes into him.
Cloud sighed, tired, and his arms relaxed as they curled around mine.
"Let's go home, Aqua."
I opened my eyes and pulled my head away slightly to see the memory replaced by the ocean of Cloud's soul. We were already floating back to the surface. A bright light of awakening made me squint, and I blinked.
Home.
...
I stumbled, almost falling on my knees when I found myself back in the basement lab. Luckily, my hands took hold of the exam table, keeping me steady, but my knees shook. Cloud stumbled a step forward, and dropped his head into his hands, groaning like he was in pain. My eyes settled on him as he straightened out, the last, his hands when he pulled them away. What was revealed were his blue eyes moist of tears.
"I remember everything now," he gasped. One blink, and they fell easily down his cheeks. Cloud left his hands shaking near his face, in case he were to hide his eyes again, and took notice to the uninhabited lab.
"My memories. They're…" he shook as he looked at his hands, seeing all the filmstrips of his repressed memories laid across them.
"They're all there."
Was this what he wanted? Was it better to forget? Did he already regret recovering all the trauma he endured?
Hands clasped together to stop from reaching and startling Cloud, I took a collected breath and tried to bring him back with my voice.
"Cloud."
It was unsuccessful. He remained lost within himself, stuck looking at his hands with eyes blazing of both Mako and despair.
"I was nothing…"
Cloud began to spiral, hands closing in on his skull to squeeze the demons out once and for all, head bowed to his bent knees.
"He saved me, even when I was nothing, a fraud, a liar, a coward." Each word, he gasped it quietly, like a distressed ghost haunting the basement.
"He could've left me there. He would've made it. He would've..." Cloud became paralyzed, his mouth open, but no more words leaked.
This is what I promised: To help him remember all of his memories. Initially, I regretted it, watching Cloud process it all with struggle, and still miraculously stay human. Good or bad, memories are unique treasures to each individual. Shaping us, teaching us, and growing us.
Slow and careful, my hand neared Cloud, and gently laid upon his back shoulder blade. He shook under my hold.
I swallowed, giving him time to come back, and then, warmly, said, "The best thing about memories, is making them."
Cloud stiffened.
I could easily feel the heat of his back against my hand, his shirt moist from melted snow. My hand squeezed as I gazed deeply at the mighty sword beside it, its edge only inches from cutting into my thumb.
"Let's keep making new memories, Cloud. More of the good kind," I reached, voice broken. What if he didn't hear me? What if he walks out of this mansion more broken than before? What then?
My eyes stung, and I bit my lower lip. I'll stay here in the lab with him for as long as it takes, expecting hours to days.
There was hope when Cloud straightened, and cleared his throat. His eyes lingered all over the floor, dust of painful times laid there as stains. One deep breath later, he turned around, breaking my hand away. He couldn't do it. He couldn't even look at me without his knees landing over the stains, and just crumbled.
I knelt beside him quietly, and just wrapped my arms around his as my head rested over his shoulder. I let him take all the time he needed, feeling him shake in my arms.
Cloud buried his wet eyes into my neck, sobbing quietly. I wanted to say I was sorry, but ended up not saying anything. Instead, I stayed quiet, holding him. How one could accomplish relief in such a place as this lab, was questionable, but to Cloud, he may not be anywhere but in a dark place in himself. He needed to take his time, pick up all the pieces of his past, and arrange them accordingly until they all lined up.
After a long length of time, his arms folded across my back, and pulled me against him.
"New memories," he shivered, returning.
I closed my eyes, taking a moment to cherish his warmth, and took a deep breath.
...
It was already nightfall.
No snowflakes, but the windchill turned the layers of snow into stiff, hard lumps. I cracked through the mounds, following our frozen footprints away from the mansion. Cloud kept silent the whole way, nothing but the howling wind to keep us in the present when temptation to fall back to the lab stayed fresh. I let him aimlessly fall behind, giving him space. When we reached the first lamp before the stairs, he finally spoke.
"Aqua." His tone traveled heavily until I thought stones settled on my shoulders.
I stopped before taking a step down, and sucked a breath quickly to try relaxing.
"Yes?" I cracked as I slowly turned around. Upon seeing him there, still standing under the triangular beam of orange light, Cloud appeared uncomfortable in it, grimacing when he looked at its protected bulb. He laid a hand along the lamp's long, iron neck, and swallowed, eyes distant.
"I…." he swallowed again, and dropped his gaze to the snow.
"I'm sorry. Could you go on without me? I…need time alone," he requested, unable to look at me. A small kick hit me in the stomach. It was too soon for the baby to develop feet, the force running from someplace deeper.
I hugged myself against the winds, and gasped, "Okay."
I didn't even wait for second thoughts nor reasoning, quickly spinning and taking the stairs back to the empty streets of Nibelheim. Cloud's long stare could be felt on my back, but I knew better. He required time alone. I get that. I'm the same way.
I sighed.
And yet, the times that I am alone to process, it's when the people I care about reach for me that matter the most, not the alone part itself. Did Cloud expect me to come for him? Or would that be disrespecting his wishes? It could just depend on the situation.
I tried not to think about it too much as I opened the door to our home, and closed it behind me.
It was dark.
I leaned up against the door, and sighed into the darkness, the outside lights falling in through the windows like bright orange ribbons.
Without Cloud, this was just a house.
I lifted a hand, and watched intently as a flame came to life in my palm, bringing light into the place. I threw the flame across the room, straight into the fireplace, and old logs began to burn.
Even with the fire brining in warmth, I had little satisfaction, and sighed again. My hands cradled my belly, the cool, thick wool soft along the hard mound.
It was times like these that made me afraid, and I wish I didn't feel that way when, simply, I just needed to trust Cloud. Even after all that we've been through together, our relationship was still new, fragile for times like these when one is still learning about the other. What to take with caution, and what to take lightly?
I was left with such thoughts and more when the whispers intruded.
I've been beside Cloud for so long, I've forgotten about them. With him at a distance, the Planet's voice returned, louder than I remembered. I was in the middle of a twister made up of ghosts, unable to see them and yet hear their uncomprehending whispers flourishing.
The Lifestream was perishing.
Painful cries, panic, uncertainty, pleas for help, the screams, all of it reflected on Sephiroth's becoming. It was easy to forget for a while, being near Cloud.
I've deserved this. After neglecting to hear the Planet for some time, it's no wonder it grew louder after finally catching my attention, a lonely child demanding its parent with screams after being ignored.
One ear, and then to the other, many voices. Words meddled, foreign sounding, some sharp, others soft. I closed my eyes and forced deep breaths. Inhale for four, hold for two, and exhale for ten. Do that at least three times. My slow exhales trembled, and then my eyes became sticky. Some voices shouted, and I refused to listen.
I know. I know what I have to do. I get it. Please stop reminding me.
I slid down along the door against my back, and landed on my rear, hands over my ears while I wept quietly. I've gotten so comfortable lately, I was almost ashamed of it.
...
The voices kept me company while I soaked in the house's deep tub. I like that the bathroom was all blue tile, very Japanese, like the big and deep tub keeping the water hot, a shower next to it, and a toilet room behind a glass door. The tub room filled with steam, and I sank into the warm water. Submerged, the voices stopped, encouraging me to hold my breath for as long as possible. The world blurred away with the steam, my own little bubble a cocoon of warmth and darkness with closed eyes. As soon as my head popped out of the water, the voices were waiting. Time to go back in the water. I did that a few times; my airway up to the surface to breathe, relaxed for a minute, and then go back down. Voices gone.
I wish I could carry this space with me without Cloud's help. It will only make me feel more attached to him when seeking escape from the demands of the Planet. That sounded unhealthy.
I packed air into my stomach and lungs, and then dipped back down. I curled into a fetal position to keep the water from creeping up my nose, and tried to get comfortable. I counted to thirty before coming back for air.
When I did, I collected deep breaths, water falling down my face. There was nothing but dripping of water from my hair back to the tub. The voices disappeared.
"What are you doing?"
Cloud's voice sounded muffled, until I rubbed water from my eyes to find him behind the glass door. It was a foggy glass, only giving me enough detail to see a blur of him. He appeared almost entirely like a dark figure with light blond hair.
I cleared my throat, wiping at more water, and replied with half honesty, "I just like to be under water."
"That sounds dangerous," he immediately replied. I pictured him standing beside the door, arms crossed with disagreement, while his serious eyes looked in a mirror above the sink.
I folded my legs into my belly and hugged them. The warm water settled just under my chin, helping my muscles relax while warming up my bones.
What do I say? How was your solo walk? How are you feeling? The voices had been replaced with an intense uncertainty, but I couldn't tell if it was projected from me or Cloud.
"How are you doing?" I tried, the simplest thing I could come up with to possibly open his thoughts. He stayed quiet for a minute, leaned back against the door.
"I'm not sure," Cloud lamely put it, sounded disappointed with his own answer. After a pause, he added, "I just wanted to let you know I'm back."
Was he going to leave? I could already see his form fading from the glass. I swallowed, fighting against impulse, but my inner child called out without warning.
"Cloud, wait."
My hands gripped the tub's wide, plastic edge, water splashing onto the tile floor. There was a drain, clear water slipping into it.
I thought maybe it was too late, that he had gone, and left to brood some more or worst; fall to bed without reflecting on the day. I didn't enjoy ending nights like this.
My heart thumped when he returned, his silhouette behind the glass.
"What's wrong?" He detected the strain in my voice before I even realized it.
I scanned my body in the tub. There was so much space.
If I could invite Cloud for a shower, why not a bath? Was it the right time? It was better to just ask and be okay with off days, than to not ask at all. After all, we could only have six days left.
"If you're not in the mood, I understand, but it would make me feel better if you could come in here with me. I don't like this feeling, having you behind a door. I feel off," I requested, throat thickening.
There was a shift of his head, trying to look over his black shoulder, followed by a small gasp.
He looked away again, processing my words.
"I know it's been an odd day," Cloud started, taking a breath as he collected his words.
"I didn't mean for it to make you feel uncomfortable."
The door slid open with only enough gap to give a clear view of Cloud's profile under his long bangs. Steam escaped, fogging around his pant legs.
"Do you want me to come in?" he asked, afraid to look through the gap.
I sank back into the water, lips together hard when more kicks tapped inside my stomach.
"I do," I braved.
Cloud turned his head away, gave it some thought, and then quietly replied, "Okay. Give me a minute."
I watched intently, seeing glimpses of him through the small gap. A flash of skin after he slid his black shirt off. A pass of his blond hair under the warm bathroom light to turn it white gold. A curve of muscle from the back of a leg.
I expected Cloud to refuse my invitation based on his mood, only admiring him the more when he didn't. My heart was pounding with the anticipation of him slowly taking off each piece of clothing, a tiny view of his stripping only growing my thirst. He seemed to be folding his clothes neatly, and then came to the gap with his eyes stuck to the floor.
"Okay. I'm coming in." He swallowed.
More of the door slid open.
I hugged myself while watching Cloud enter, his cheeks red, and he slid the door shut behind him.
He waited a minute to absorb the steam of the tub room, eyes set on the drain, and just stood there.
It wasn't until he lifted his pure blue gaze, that he finally looked at me. No Mako, nothing but him, a young man with fears, insecurities, and longing. Our eyes locked, a connection that we needed after a long time in a dark fog. It finally cleared, and Cloud could see me again. He seemed to be processing it, slightly startled, like he briefly forgot he wasn't alone after all.
I was the first to break contact, flushing as he stepped closer, and he knelt beside the tub. A cold hand held my wet cheek.
"Even after glimpsing that last memory, you're still okay with me?"
His question came unexpectedly, jolting me with the realization that Cloud was just as insecure as I was at times. Maybe he needed time alone to go through all the possible events of our future, of how I would respond after falling into his last memory, and mentally prepare. Or it might be to send his prayers to Zack while trying not to feel guilty. There were many possibilities, and I wish I could read his thoughts to know them all as I turned my head to his hand, and looked into his soft eyes.
My hands escaped from the water, wetting his cheeks when I clasped them. I dug deep into his eyes, not needing to search too hard to find that they shimmered with a request he was too afraid to ask; to be held.
"Of course. Cloud, you aren't your past. You had a rough beginning, but that doesn't define you," I advised.
Cloud's other hand planted on my free cheek until we were holding each other's faces in our hands, the tub's wall between us. He must be on his knees, slightly looking down at me, until he pulled my face into his. His lips were still cold from being outside for too long.
One gentle kiss turned into a deep one, and then I let myself go, happy to be devoured. Whatever Cloud needed; to be held, to release pent-up energy, or to keep me close, it didn't matter. He ended up simply kissing down my neck before stepping into the tub, and occupied its empty end. More water sloshed around when it reached close to the tub's limit. He then pulled me towards him, and I settled comfortably between his legs, my back against his chest, and just let our hands fiddle together under the water.
Nothing but a comfortable silence, and the occasional drip of water from my hair. Cloud's hands roamed softly, feeling smooth in the water, while his breath landed on the back of my neck. He cupped my breasts and settled there.
"You're right," he said after a time. My words must've struck a cord in him, still brewing over it.
"I don't want to dwell on it. Our time is limited, and I won't waste that on what I cannot change," he promised. Lips touched my shoulder, startling me to draw in a small gasp.
"You've grown up so much," I reminded him, shivering to his lips against my skin. I couldn't believe this man went through all of that turmoil, a terrible past that could easily turn a weaker person into dust.
"Have I, really? I'll have to take your word for it," Cloud enquired, doubtful.
His finger and thumb did a gentle squeeze on a nipple. I fought the urge to squirm, sensitive there. His head bowed next to mine, spiky hair grazing my cheek. I felt the pull to turn my head, and met his lips with a deep kiss.
"Cloud..." I knew my tone told of worry as soon as my mouth was free. Cloud pulled back, and his hands rested on my thighs. He composed himself, bracing for it.
"What is it?" He tried to keep his fingers still, slightly clenching and unclenching across my skin without wandering too far. The mood shifted, he felt that, and knew intimate touch to create pleasure wasn't ideal.
Did I want to bring it up? The true dark pit of my thoughts were ready to surface, and what horrible timing to do so. I could just wait another day, enjoy this moment a little longer, but that feeling was going to stay with me until I pulled it out from its hiding place.
"It's about..." I couldn't say it at first. My hands gripped my small round belly firmly, afraid as soon as I said it, a dark force will unleash and put my developing fetus in danger.
Cloud's hands overlapped mine to settle their shaky state.
"It's okay," he whispered, edging me to reveal the lump of words stuck in my throat.
But it wasn't okay. I was scared.
"Do you think Hojo was telling the truth? Are there really Jenova cells inside me?"
I said it. The heavy thoughts finally out, but uncertain what would come of it.
Cloud was quiet for a long time. His hands squeezed mine as he contemplated telling me a hard truth or a pleasant lie.
In the end, he chose the truth.
"I don't trust Hojo, but what he said that time, sounded to be true."
His hands squeezed harder until mine disappeared.
"I've been thinking about that since. Aqua, I don't know. I don't know, and it's killing me," Cloud revealed.
His hands were crushing mine, but he pulled them away before I were to request it. Instead, he wrapped them around my shoulders, and sighed into my ear.
"I don't know, Aqua. I don't know." He was stuck on those three words, holding me tighter.
After a long silence of fear, Cloud found three other words that were just as painful.
"It's my fault."
"Don't."
I twisted in his arms to carefully sit on his lap with a light splash, and gripped his shoulders before he were to spiral in another dark path.
Looking him straight into his dim eyes, I pressed, "Don't even go there. You didn't know. WE didn't know this would happen. So please, don't blame yourself. It won't help."
Cloud blinked, light returning, and his gaze softened, eyebrows up.
"We will just have to wait and see what happens," he suggested, and his hands rose from the water, drops falling back as he held my shoulders.
"I'll be with you every step of the way. That's all I can really do," he ended.
That was all Cloud could honestly give. He had no scientific answer, which I should've expected. I had hoped there was some straightforward reply, but he didn't know as much as I did, and admitted to that.
So, he was thinking about it too. It wasn't just me. Even though there was no knowing what will happen, I was relieved to not be apprehensive about it alone. Seeing his eyes, they held absolute truth when he spoke those last words. No sign of doubt nor lie, just passionate courage.
I couldn't help myself, diving in for a kiss.
"Okay," I breathed, kissing him again.
Cloud couldn't believe I didn't recoil away from him: the bad memories, the unexpected pregnancy, Jenova's cells, his uncontrollable Mako rage, his PTSD, sea and air sickness, all of it not scaring me off. I accepted him and his faults the same way he's accepted mine: My anxiety, my guy drama, getting into trouble, bouts of unstable magic, and insecurities.
Regardless of the topic, I felt better to share it with Cloud, leaving me light enough to comfortably sink into his lap. His hands firmly pushed me against him, and then strong arms folded around my waist. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, he quickly stood up, holding me with ease as water sloshed off us.
...
"Cloud, shouldn't we get some sleep?"
I touched his cheek, feeling sweat collecting there. In truth, I wanted a break, exhausted from his desires to keep me up all night.
Cloud collected his breath as he looked down at me with his glowing eyes in the dark.
"No," he whispered, hands pressed on the bed.
His kisses landed on my breasts.
"Again," he growled, his violent grip taking hold. Only little light from outside's lamps brought me enough visibility to see him as a shadow climbing over my body. From experience, I recognized that each male partner carried a unique way of making love, though I've only ever been with Isaac and a few flings to tread that theory lightly. Isaac was gentle and straight to the point, a routine he adapted to when there was little time for foreplay. It was useful for a quick release, but the connection soon became lost, something I've gullibly accepted at the time.
Cloud was an entirely different species.
It could've been his pent-up energy of never having an active sex life before, finally unleashing it with needs he didn't know he held.
His strength. His hunger. His fondness of having us face each other to connect. It left me dizzy with just as much wanting, holding on to him until my nails dug into his back to add scratches to his scar collection.
Will we be awake until the sun comes up?
52