Chapter 3: In the Heat of Passion
Charlie continued through the desert, Fozzie now on his back, completly exhausted. Charlie was feeling weary, everything was blurry. He needed water, as did Fozzie, but they had none. Charlie fell to his knees he thought he was done for, but he heard a noise coming from the horizon, "HYAH, HYAH!" Charlie looked back. It was Cuba Gooding Jr., riding through the dunes on a sled lead by a pack of rambunctious, disapointingly-only-talking-in-dream-sequences-Snowdogs.
"Thought you boys might need a lift." Cuba said. Fozzie was perplexed, "WHAT THE FUCK!?" Charlie thought this was a mirage, "Sure," he replied. Charlie winked at Fozzie, as Fozzie stepped towards the sled. "Thanks!" Fozzie said, wrapping his arms around Cuba's neck. Cuba hugged back. Fozzie smiled maniacly as he took out a switch-blade from his satchel. He thrust it into Cuba Gooding Jr's. neck. "There's your money...Bitch," Fozzie said as Cuba took his dying breath. Charlie smiled, "Let's get the fuck outta here!" They hopped on the sled, riding into the light towards the glist and glamour of Las Vegas, where their plane awaited.
After hours of travel through the desert, Charlie and Fozzie saw the safe haven that was their destination, they had arrived at Las Vegas! "WHOOSH!!!" A large firework zoomed past Charlie's ear, "The hell?" He looked up at the top of Cesar's palace, a large shark-like figure stood there holding a large rocket launcher. "This is MY city, fuckers!, Nyuck-Nyuck-Nyuck." Fozzie was angered by the shark's arrogance, he took out an AK-47, "Count the shells, cocksucker!" Fozzie yelled. He fired the assault rifle furiously as Charlie lost control of the sled. Charlie and Fozzie rolled onto the charred pavement, The shark jumped down from Cesar's Palace, denting the road. "The name's Jabber Jaw, I own this city and all the motherfuckers in it, nyuck-nyuck-nyuck!" Jabber Jaw lifted Charlie by his hair, and set him down in front of himself. "Suck my dick!" Charlie, was disgusted as Jabber Jaw whipped out his scaly shark-penis. He began swinging it about, once hitting Charlie across the face with it. Fozzie was laughing hysterically, "C'mon Charlie, show 'em how skilled you are in the art of Fellatio!" Charlie, had had enough of this interspecial homoeroticism to say the least. He grabbed the penis by both hands and snapped it in half. "AARGH," Jabber Jaw yelled, " YOU BROKE MY WANG, MY BOTTLE-NOSED-DOLPHIN!!!" Charlie threw the broken organ at Jabber Jaw's horrified face, "YOU suck it," he said.
Jabber Jaw had a toothy grin, and let out a deep moan, another penis had grown in it's stead! Charlie turned pale-white, he stood up and started running, he picked up Fozzie, who was still laughing, along the way. Jabber Jaw was at a sprint, surprising considering his fin-like legs, and having just had his penis ripped off. Charlie saw a parked motrocycle standing on the sidewalk, he hopped on and started turning the throttle. Charlie didn't want to suck a shark-penis, not tonight. Jabber Jaw stopped, and with his mouth, whistled. Suddenly a large semi-truck, mounted with guns, cannons, spikes, and other aquatic creatures fell from the sky. Jabber Jaw took the wheel. Charlie looked behind him, they were hot on his trail. Fozzie turned around and took aim, he began to fire his AK at the aptly named Jabbermobile, but Jabber Jaw retatliated. He began throwing various domestic animals at Charlie's bike, most hit the pavement almost immediatley, their meows and barks echoing. But some hit the bike, causing Charlie to lose control, he skidded off the road ito a crowd of eldery people.
Fozzie lay unconcious on the old folks' corpses. Charlie had a broken arm. Jabber Jaw parked and arched towars them, swinging his newly grown "squid" all around. Charlie knew what was coming, but he was prepared. As Jabber Jaw but his fin-hands on Charlie's head, Charlie took Fozzie's switch-blade out from his satchel, and in one fell swoop cut Jabber Jaws wang off a second time. As Jabber Jaw opened his mouth to make a witty comment, Charlie threw the lifeless penis into Jabber Jaws mouth. Jabber Jaw started gagging, grabbing his throat with his fin-hands, and in less than 1 minute, he was dead.
Charlie picked up Fozzie and lay him down near a phonebooth, which began to ring...
To be continued in Kangaroo Jack 2, Chapter 4: