Little Lotte- I love you so much, and I can't stop thinking about you, hopefully it all went well tonight. Don't worry, I'm working on your other story next... Erik and I love you!

Chapter 39

Erik Destler

1831-1881

Beloved husband and father

A true angel of music

How could you have done this to me? Why, Erik why?

I stand before his cold gravestone, my love, my angel lay beneath my feet.

Your stone is beautiful, my love, it would make you proud. The blue-grey stone matches the colour of your eyes when you weep in the failing light, the inlaid angel looks as beautiful as you, my love, even the children think so. Your children, they miss you dearly, almost as much as I do, but no one knows the extent of my torment.

I want to join you, I want to leave this earthly body to be with you. I would have already taken my own, to join you, but you left me with this child growing inside. I have contemplated how I would do it, if I could, but each time the thought of killing something of your's sickens me, I must wait till it is born, to be with you.

I let my hands rest over the growing child, wishing the remaining months will go by faster, instead of the agonizing minutes these last four months have been.

You are a grandfather, my love. Meg gave birth to a beautiful little boy. He's inherited His father's charm, including those deep ocean blue eyes of his. My heart weeps for Meg, after all, she lost you and Madame Giry both, but she has Murtagh still, whilst I am left alone.

Murtagh has done his best to avoid me, I have not heard him speak of what happened, but I can see in his eyes he feels guilty. He shouldn't feel it, but we all do, we all think what could I have done to save you? That night keeps replaying in my mind, I try to push it out of my mind, but It won't leave.

I could feel the tears burning my cheeks, but I don't care. I collapsed onto the soft ground before his grave, digging my nails into the dirt.

Why did you leave? You know I can't live without you! I have never felt so empty inside, I died with you on that day, but I have been cursed. What am I being punished for? What did I do to deserve this? Why would God put me through such hell?

"Jammes, Jammes." His voice sang into into my ear.

"Erik?" A brief glimmer of hope rose in my dead heart as I rose from the ground, staring up in to the heavens.

"Have you forgotten you angel? So soon my wife?" His voice was louder, clearer. It wasn't just in my head, It couldn't be.

"Erik, what am I to do? I can't do this alone, I can't live without you, I can't care fore them, Erik, Not without you."

"Jammes, Mon Ange, you are never alone, Have I not promised I shall always be with you? I would never lie to you, I love you and will always be there."

"But Erik," I whimpered, trying to hold back my sobs, but failing.

"Don't cry for me, Mon Ange. You gave me a heaven I could never have dreamed of, it was my turn to join the real thing." His voice started to fade away, taking the remains of my heart with it.

"Erik, please, I need you, Erik, Comeback!" I called out to the sky, the world around me stayed silent. The only sound coming from the cool gentle breeze that nipped at my face, dancing across my flesh.

"You can't leave me here all alone, alone."

"Your not alone Ace." Murtagh's voice came from behind me. Slowly he approached me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders, looking down at Erik's gave. I hadn't realized till his warm body wrapped around mine how cold I was, cold as death, as I wish I was.

"You still have your family." He whispered into my ear, before resting his face in my untamed hair.

I want to talk to him, I really do, but I can't form the words, I haven't been able since his death.

"You should get inside, It's too cold out here, especially for you." Not wanting to argue with him, I nodded my head softly, following him back to the carriage. We sat in silence as the driver started for home.

"How did you know I was here?" I whispered, keeping my gaze on the floor.

"Where else have you been? You spend just was much time their as if you were dead."

"I am dead." Sighing heavily, he reached for my hands, trying to warm my cold flesh, but they will never warm, Not with my heart so cold.

"I... I want to talk to you..." He stumbled out, unsure if he should continue. I looked up into those deep eyes of his, letting him know I would listen, nothing could hurt me now, I have already felt all the hurt I could.

"Madame Giry was furious at us, Erik and I. When she found out I wanted to buy a house for Meg, and the baby, she was determined to stop it, especially since we have no plans for marriage. I want too, but you know Meg, she refuses to get married, It's not like I haven't asked."

"I know, she's stubborn." That familiar grin spread across his face briefly, before he continued with the story.

"Erik tried to stand up for us, He argued on our behave, since we have been together almost as long as you two" He dropped his gaze to the floor, after seeing the tears start to well in my eyes again.

"She wouldn't give up, I knew she wouldn't, but I still tried. I know she feared losing Meg. Meg was her life, her reason for living, without her well..." Once again he faded off, not liking the emotional direction his words were taking. He rested his face in his palms, overwhelmed with grief.

"I should have known better, I should have known not to get her upset. I knew she she had problems with her heart. It's my fault." He whimpered, burring his face in his palms deeper, a tear ran down his arm, wetting his black pants.

Please Murtagh, don't cry. I can't stand to see you cry. I can't handle it, You have to be strong, one of us must be strong.

"Scout, it's not your fault, you can't blame yourself." As he has done so many times for me, I wrapped myself around him in a tight embrace, softly stroking his dark locks.

"It's all my fault. Madame Giry, Erik, the boy..." Heartbreaking tears fell down his pale cheeks.

Please stop, please. You don't know how much it hurts to see you cry.

"Shh..." I whispered, kissing his forehead. Causing him to look up at me, only causing more pain to look into the deep, watery abyss of his eyes.

"I just stood there and let it happen. I should have done something, I could have stopped it, somehow..."

"Scout will you shut up and listen to me? It's not your fault, you did what you could. None of us could have stopped him, you forget, my brother, Erik was in my arms when it happened, If anything, It is my own fault."

"But, I could of..."

"Gotten yourself killed as well! What would we have done then? I couldn't handle that Scout, I couldn't loose all of you." He sighed heavily, excepting my word, realizing I was right.

"I guess."

We remained silent the rest of the way home. When we entered, Anny and Henrik came running toward up, wide smiles upon their faces.

"Mommy, Mommy!" Anny threw her arms around my leg, clinging to me joyously. Henrik attached himself to Murtagh, he has always loved his uncle.

"Uncle Murry, your back!"

"Anny, and Henrik, I'm sorry we left." I looked back up at my brother, the tears from the way here vanished from his face, only a fake smile remained.

How hard it is to lie to my children, pretend everything is alright, pretend that I am not sad, If they knew the truth... If they knew I wanted to leave this world, they would never forgive me, I can't forgive myself for wanting to leave them.

"Where is Gen?" As I spoke, Anny separated herself from my leg, her deep eyes locking on my own.

"She's crying mother, in your room." The apparent happiness of my children faded, only the gloom that Murtagh and I kept inside remained. I glanced over at my brother quickly, before hurrying up those winding stairs, to the door of my bedroom.

How I hate and love that room. How many times have I cried in there? Thinking of him? How many memories does it hold? From the greatest joys, to the heartbreaking sorrow, all emotions have been felt in that room. Every time I am alone in that dark room, images dance in my mind. Images of my Erik. Making love to my Husband in that bed, each of our children being born in that bed. How many hours have Erik and I laid awake in that bed? Holding each other? Just talking? How much torment must I put my heart through every time I go in there? The room reeks of his sweet smell, if only he was there, waiting for me, as he always has.

Gen's soft sobs came from the other side of the wood, followed by the soft cooing of my best friend. Gathering the little strength I have left, I walking into that hunting room, My daughter sat curled in Meg's lap on my bed, clinging to her father's usual white mask.

"Gen, darling."As I approached her, she lifted her face, those angelic tears my husband once cried fell down his daughter's face. Gen threw herself into my arms, grasping at the fabric of my dress helplessly.

"I'm so sorry." Meg whimpered, looking between Gen and I.

"I thought the door was locked, I didn't mean..." She faded off, dropping her gaze.

"It's fine, it was bound to happen someday." Slowly I pulled the mask from my child's clutch, placing it on the side of the bed. I pulled her soft blond curls away from her face.

"Do you remember the song he used to sing to you? The lullaby?"Slowly she nodded her head, and softly hummed the tune.

"He sang pretty." She whimpered, returning to the calming melody.

"He had a beautiful voice." I bit down on my lip, focusing all I could to keep the tears away, she can't see my frailty.

Night time sharpens

Heightens each sensational

Darkness wakes, and stirs imagination

Silently the senses, abandon their defenses

Helpless to resist the notes I write

For I compose the music of the night.

I sang to her soft hum. As I sang, Henrik and Anny found themselves coming to me, sitting beside their sister, singing along.

Slowly, gently, Night unfurls it's splendour

Grasp it, sense it, tremulous and tender

Hearing is believing

Music is deceiving

Hard as lightening,

Soft as candle lightening

Dare you trust the music of the night

Even Murtagh found himself joining us, caring his newly born son in his arms.

Close your eyes, for your eyes will only tell the truth

And the truth isn't what you want to see

In the dark it is easy to pretending

But the truth is what it ought to be.

Softly, deafly

Music shall caress you

Hear it feel it,

Secretly posses you

All the other voices faded in my mind, replaced by me Erik's intoxicating song.

Open up you mind,

Let your fantasies unwind

In this darkness which you know you cannot fight

The darkness of the music of the night...

Just as there voices faded, so did they, the world around me left, I found myself standing in the meadow, the soft wind grazing over the green grass, and my Erik holding me against his soft, warm body.

Close your eyes

Start a journey through a strange new world

Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before!

Close your eyes and let music set you free

Only then can you belong me

We began to dance, around in a round, faster and faster, barely toughing the ground, we might have even been hovering over it, our movement was so fast, and light.

Floating falling, sweet intoxication

Touch me, trust me

Savour each sensation!

Let the dream begin,

Let your darker side give in

To the power of the music that I write,

The power of the music of the night.

He bent his face down to me, his lips touching mine ever so softly, before pulling away. As he did, he faded away, my bed room returning into my sight, my children, brother, and best friend surrounding me.

You alone can make my song take flight

Help me make the music of the night.

For now my Erik, I shall listen to you, But I don't know how long I can listen, how long I can wait to see you again.