Title-Leap of Faith

Author-GeekGoddess345

Summary-Mark and Roger misunderstand a few things about each other.

Pairing-Mark/ Roger

Rating-T

Feedback-Greatly appreciated. Thanks to all those who've reviewed, you've made my day.

Disclaimer-I own nothing, they belong to Jonathon Larson.

Author's Note- I want to send a big thanks to PrettyBoyFrontmanLove. Without her I might have given up already.

As always, italics show whose point of view you're reading from.

Mark

It's been three days since I ran away from Roger. I know I should go home, but I just can't. Not yet at least. Thankfully, Collins is letting me stay with him. He's the only one I can count on right now.

This is all too much for me to deal with. I'm so confused right now I don't even know which way is up. Everything is so screwed up. First Maureen and Joanne break up, then Mimi runs off, and now I've fallen for my best friend. I am so fucking stupid.

Of all the people to fall in love with I pick my straight, AIDS-ridden, ex-junkie best friend. Do I just make things complicated on purpose? God I hate this. I hate feeling like I have no control over anything anymore. Why can't things just be easy for once? Why does everything have to be so hard?

"Hey Mark, I'm going to meet Angel at the Life Café, do you want to come?" Collins calls through the bathroom door.

"No, just go without me," I call back as I sit on the edge of the tub and rub my face.

"You can't stay in there all day," he says as he knocks on the door.

"Try me."

"Don't do this, Mark. You can't keep hiding from the world. You need to deal with this eventually."

"Please just leave me alone, just go," I plead as I open the door and push my way past him into the living room, "I don't need you on my back right now."

"Will you at least leave the apartment today? You need to do something."

"Maybe, but I'm not promising anything."

"At least it's a step. I'll see you later, okay?" he says sadly as he slowly walks out.

I don't want to feel this way anymore. I'm tired of being so down and depressed. Is it wrong for me to want things like they used to be? Why can't I just be happy like I was before? Why can't I be happy without Roger? When did my happiness become tied up with being around him? I wish I had at least some of the answers.

It was never like this with Maureen. I never felt alive when I was around her. She was just a substitute for the person I couldn't have and I was just someone she could count on when she needed something. It was never about love for us, it was about needing someone to fill that empty space in your life.

With Roger it's different though, with him I feel like I belong. It's not about needing him; it's about wanting only him and not just some random person who's gone before you wake up. And I do want Roger, I really do. Hell, he's all I've ever wanted, but there's so much in the way. Including the fact that he may not even make it to thirty. Do I really want to go through that? Do I really want to risk my own life to be with him?

Yes…shit, the answer is yes. I would rather die than live without him. I'd be willing to give up anything, including my health, for just a second in his arms. Oh god, when did it get to be this bad? When did I become this way?

Roger

Everything is so crazy right now. I can't even wrap my mind around what's happening.

Mark loves me. The person I've wanted for years loves me, and I've been too afraid to even talk to him. What's wrong with me? Why can't I tell him how I feel? Aren't I supposed to be the fearless the one?

I really should go up. I've already walked all the way to Collins', so I should just forget my fears and talk to Mark. Unfortunately, I don't know if I'm that strong.

"Roger?"

"Collins? What are you doing here?"

"I live here. But you, an the other hand, don't, so tell me why you're pacing in front of my building." I knew this was a bad idea.

"I was uh…coming to see you." That was so lame.

"Cut the crap, Davis. We both know you're here to see Mark. What I don't know is why it took you so long."

"I um…I wasn't sure how to face him. I didn't know what to say."

"How about 'I've been in love with you since the first moment I met you.' That always worked for me."

"It's not that easy and you know it. If it were, Mark wouldn't have bolted after he told me he loved me."

"Ever think that he was just afraid. It's not like he knows you love him. He probably thinks he's lost his best friend."

"Collins?" I ask after I mull over his words.

"Yeah Roger?"

"Do you think this could work?"

"I don't know; that's up to you two. But if you try, I think you guys might have a pretty good shot at something."

"So I should get up there?"

"Yeah, but I should warn you, he hasn't been himself lately. You might have trouble getting him to listen. He's been really down." Way to kill my enthusiasm, Thomas.

"Okay, I can do this," I say softly to myself as Collins pats me on the back.

"Good luck, kid," he says as he holds the door open for me.

"Thanks."

"Just get him out of my place, he's starting to smell," he jokes before walking away.

I can do this. Just knock on the door. Great, he's not gonna answer.

"Mark, I need to talk to you!" I call as I knock again.

"Not now Roger, I can't deal with this," he calls back.

"You can't keep ignoring me. It's been three days now; will you just open the damn door?"

"Would you go away? I have nothing to say to you." Why does he have to make this so difficult?

"Well too bad, because I have something to say and I'm not leaving until you hear me out." I'm prepared to stay here all day if need be.

"Why won't you just leave me alone? Just go away and let me wallow in my own misery," he yells as the door swings open and his eyes meet mine. I can see just how confused and worried he is and I soften my tone.

"I can't do that, Mark," I say as I lay my hand on his shoulder.

"Why not?" he asks as he shrugs off my hand and makes his way over to the couch.

"I can't do that because…because I love you too much to just give up." There it is, I said it.

"You can't love me." What is he talking about?

"But I do, why don't you understand that? I've always loved you."

"No, this can't be happening." For crying out loud, what's it going to take!

"Well, it is happening Mark, and it should have happened years ago."

"What about Mimi? What about April? Didn't you love them?" I thought I did, but it's nothing compared to what I've always felt about him.

"Not like I love you. It's always been different with you."

"This isn't going to be easy," he says as I go and sit next to him, "in fact, this is going to be incredibly difficult."

"But I'm willing to try Mark. Can't you do the same?" I plead as I reach for his hand and thread my fingers through his.

"Aren't you scared?" he asks as I move towards him. More than you'll ever know.

"Petrified," I whisper before leaning in to kiss him. God this feels so right.

"Wait," he says as he pulls away.

"What, what's wrong?" Did I screw up already?

"I…I think we need to slow down. We need to think this through first." Slow down? I think I can do that.

"Okay, think things through. That's fine," I say as I stare at Mark's lips. I was right, he does taste sweet.

"Roger? Are you listening?"

"Of course I am."

"I was saying that maybe we should start off slowly. So that things don't get weird." I wonder if the rest of him tastes as sweet?

"Sure, that's a good idea. Slow." I can do this; this is going to be a piece of cake.

"Maybe...maybe I could come back to the loft?"

"I'd like that. I've missed you," I say shyly as he looks at me with a slight smile.

"I missed you too," he says as he hugs me lightly. Come on Roger, you can do this. Don't think about his body pressed against yours. You can get through this.

"I guess we should get your stuff." I say as I break the hug and take a deep breath.

"Okay," he says as he runs his hand through his hair and smiles at me. I can get through this. I can go slowly. I have to go slowly for his sake as well as mine. There are a lot of obstacles in our way.