Chapter 4

I can't remember exactly how I woke up but I regret the moment I woke up when I felt the pain all over my body. I could tell it was early in the morning. I was always an early riser. I eventually got tired of just lying down on the bed and I sat up carefully. I noticed that I was in Ha'ri's office. I spotted Ha'ri asleep on the chair and decided to try my best not to wake him.

I went outside and just sat there, thinking about everything. I don't understand anything anymore. I don't understand how I came to be this way. I don't understand why I'm still here alive. One of my friends in high school once told me that we all have a purpose in life and once you fulfill that purpose you will finally be able to go to heaven. I always imagined what heaven would be like. It would be peaceful. It's where my curse will suddenly disappear. I'll be able to watch over my friends who are still alive. I can guide them and watch them as they laugh and smile. That's why I wanted to die; I wanted to be able to see people's happiness. I know I will never be able to make people happy the way Tohru has made Kyo happy, or the way Kana has changed Ha'ri. I'm happy for Kyo and Tohru, they got married at 19 and they're still happy. And just look at me, I'm 21 and I still haven't found the one that I really love. I'm hopeless.

I knew I had to stop thinking when I felt my tears falling from my eyes, but I just couldn't. I just cried and cried as quietly as possible. I haven't cried in a long time. The last time I cried was when I heard that my parents died, and I still blame myself. They were on their way to pick me up so we could spend time with each other. I always felt lucky with my family. After all I was the only one in the zodiac whose parents really loved me. I waited and waited until I realized they were 3 hours late, so I just walked home. When I arrived at home, they weren't there. I started to worry, then the phone rang and it was the hospital asking me to come. I went and even before they told me, I knew that they were dead. It seems like they were on their way to pick me up but some drunks were driving and headed right for them. They didn't even see them coming. I cried differently when I heard this, I shouted while crying and I didn't allow anybody to talk to me. I didn't want to see their faces full of pity for me. After 3 weeks, I finally started to move on. I vowed that I would continue to live just for them.

Now, as I remember, I know that I should still keep my promise. I'll keep on going for them. I looked up at the sky and I remembered that it's wintertime. I didn't care if I wasn't wearing appropriate clothing for winter I stood up and walked towards the middle of the garden. I saw the first snowflake falling and I saw it fall with its beautiful pattern, and I caught it. It soon melted away but it doesn't matter, for that one moment I felt happy. I always loved winter even if my zodiac didn't but I still loved it. I knew that it was weird but I loved the feel of snow and I loved seeing everything covered in white. It was like I was in a different world. This is the only time of the year that I felt so content and happy.

It seems like I've been outside for a long time because I didn't notice Ha'ri was awake already.

"You'll catch a cold if you stay outside wearing that Kagura. As your doctor, I can not allow that."

Surprised, I turned around. I couldn't think of anything to say, all I could do was smile. At his surprised look, I knew he didn't expect to see me smile a real smile.

"Come inside, I have to check if you're okay before you go." He said as he headed inside. And I followed him.

After a long silence when Ha'ri was busy checking if I was okay and the pain subsided, he finally decided to speak.

"Shigure told me that he was worried about you because of your conversation."

He paused for a while, waiting for a reaction, but I didn't give him any. So he continued.

"But I think that he has nothing to be worried about, right Kagura?" He said as I saw him do something he rarely did, he smiled.

"Hai Ha'ri. Can I go now? I don't want to be late for school."

"Kagura, it's only 5 in the morning. Your classes don't start until 9. Just relax and don't push yourself too hard. I doubt that your body will be able to handle it, considering what has happened."

"Okay Ha'ri." I said while I walked to the door. Before I went out the door, I said "Thank you Ha'ri.". Then I left, and I vaguely heard Ha'ri say "Thank you Kagura."