Hey all! I just got done watching Boone's flashback episode Hearts and Minds and I realize I have somewhat of a Boone muse too. Hehe. So, this is set during that (I think it's that episode) and this is just some thoughts I think he'd be having. Hope you guys enjoy!
I'm here watching her, from afar on this piece of wood I found. I can't believe that after all she's done to me in the past.. after all I've done for her, that I still watch over her. She's so spoiled, such a brat- and yet I still care about her. So damn much that it hurts.
The other day, whenever Locke decided he was going to tie me to a log, I realized something. Well of course, I realized this way after I was done being tied up, but still. I realized that I better do what Locke says.. and let go, of her. Even though I've gotten so used to watching her back, watching her.. do what she does (whatever that is), I have to stop. I have start looking out for myself.
Only Boone from now on, only Boone.
But, it's hard. Especially when now I keep having these horrible dreams about seeing her dead in my arms. It felt so real.. it looked so real- she was just.. there, in that creek.. her eyes closed, like a fallen angel. She really is beautiful and horribly tainted all at once. Yes, she's a sin- but I love it. I love this sin.
I can't stop thinking about though.. what if she really did die? What if I had to bury her? It would be my fault, for not being able to save her. I'm only one man, but I could have been able to save her. Even if it was only a dream.
What was that anyway?
It wasn't real and yet.. it was. To me. On that day, Shannon really did die in my arms I think. I started to let go, as Locke advised, and it felt better. But I miss that feeling of being wanted.. of being needed. I miss being able to protect her. Now this Sayid guy is taking my place.. and she's letting him.
Why would she be so quick to let him? What is it that he has that I don't? Charm, mystery- what? Yeah, he might be from the middle east- but I think I'm fairly good looking myself. Kind of.
God, see. This train of thought I keep having- it just keeps going round and round in my head, like a cycle that I love to repeat.
And yet, that's the only thing I miss about her. It's the protecting, the shielding- not her. If she were to die today, I don't think I would cry. Not for her at least.