Disclaimer: I do not own Yu Yu Hakusho, not any bit of it. What I do own is Sakura, her story and family, and Hanaki. I also own this fic. My lovely piece of artwork that I came up with all by myself. That is it.
WARNING: THIS CHAPTER CONTAINS LEMON. IF YOU'RE NOT COMFORTABLE WITH GUY ON GUY SEX ACTION YOU MAY WANT TO SKIP THE MARKED SECTION. OTHER THAN THAT ENJOY!
Chapter Five: To Live, To Fear
So cold
So lonely
I never want to feel again
Every time I let them come close I'm rushed
If I open up, my heart in ripped out
The bruises and the footprints are still there after all this time.
I must freeze my heart to keep the tears from running down my cheek.
LEMON STARTS HERE! BEWARE!
--On top of a cliff sat two beings hidden by darkness. A think mist covered the area concealing them even more. One shadow was of a small frame entirely, while the other figure was tall, but thin. The petit one was Hiei, who, even now, has a warm body but a cold heart. The other was the humble, red-headed beauty known as Suuichi.
Suuichi wrapped his arms around Hiei's small body. They had just finished training and their shirts were lost in the fog. Suuichi kissed Hiei's temple then whispered something softly in his ear.
"I want to be with you forever," were the words he breathed. Suuichi used his lips to connect with Hiei's. Hiei gasped when soft lips met his own. He soon got over his shock and deepened the kiss by forcing his tongue into Suuichi's mouth.
The sound of the ocean waves and Suuichi's soft moans inspired Hiei. He pulled away, breaking the connection between them. This action resulted in Suuichi's pleading eyes.
"If that is true, then become a part of me," Hiei whispered to Suuichi.
"I'll do anything you ask," Suuichi spoke softer.
Hiei lowered his pitch to match Suuichi's. "Just relax."
Hiei smirked when he saw Suuichi's blush. Then Suuichi was bombarded with sweet kisses. They started at his lips, then Hiei started to work his way down Suuichi's neck. When he reached Suuichi's chest he began to lick down Suuichi's body, using the waist line as a halt line. The sensation caused Suuichi to arch his back in pleasure. Hiei was enjoying Suuichi's pleads, begging him to continue.
Hiei proceeded to strip Suuichi out of his clothes, exposing his body to the warm moist air. He started at the waistline once again. This time he licked down Suuichi's leg. Then, as to tease, he caressed Suuichi's inner thigh with his tongue.
"Oh god, Hiei," Suuichi moaned with a longing in his eyes. He wanted Hiei to finally take him.
Hiei did just that, taking Suuichi's tip into his mouth, sucking lightly. Suuichi moans accumulated. He clutched the ground, pulling up a little dirt, as Hiei went further down his member.
He continued to intensify his action, making Suuichi practically scream. Finally, Suuichi released into Hiei's mouth. With pleasure, Hiei drank the sweet liquid and let go of Suuichi. Hiei crawled over next to his beautiful red-headed fox, holding him tightly. The mist seemed to clear as the two fell asleep under the stars.--
LEMON ENDS HERE! SAFETY IS ASSURED!
I woke up drenched in sweat. My body was remembering the heat it felt at that moment, a moment that I had forgotten about until now. The funny thing is, everything I was feeling then felt so real, feelings that I had never felt before. I guess that is how I was able to mistake reality in those artificial feelings.
I looked over at the sleeping Yoko, which breathed heavily once and then returned to his rhythmic relaxing inhalation. He seemed so tranquil, and his long, silver hair shined in the moonlight against his semi-pale skin. It amazes me how lucky am to always get to gaze upon such beauty. There has always been such beauty in my life.
I push his silky hair out of his face while gently brushing against his cheek with my hand. Now I'm able to see his face clearer. He sighs again, his chest enlarging as he inhales. As I notice that I also stare at his lips, pale like the rest of his complexion. That's when I suddenly get an urge to kiss the soft lips that I've grown to adore, like delicate flowers petals that were only meant for me to feel and cherish.
Of course I don't want to wake him. Another choice that I am forced to make, for life in itself is all about the choices people make. You can't avoid them, and no one can make the choices for you. Then there is also the fact that you have to choose how you will make your choice. Will you listen to your intuition or your reason? And it's the end result that will let you know if you were smart or not. But, sometimes you can compromise. I gently kissed Yoko's forehead instead.
After my mental lecture I walk to the bathroom. I want to wash my face. I understand myself exactly why. It's not like I will be washing away all the memories that cause me to grab my heart in pain. If only that was possible then I wouldn't be afraid. I wouldn't be stripped of my capability to be blind, blindly trusting, blindly loving, and blind of all pain.
When I walk back into the room wide awake and with a clean face I see that Yoko's position hasn't changed. I decide to sit in the chair that sits across from the bed. I feared that I would wake him if I crawled back into bed. I watch the sun begin to rise against Yoko's slim figure. The beauty entranced me and led me deep into my thoughts of so many things. It was some kind of magic.
Through my serge of random thoughts cherry blossoms kept showing up in my mind. It was because of this I realized that the cherry blossoms will bloom today. It was now that my mind settled on this one thought. I would like to see them today; I want to see them bloom. The image of the small pink petals reminded me of her, of Sakura Akiyama. Her beauty was always intensified when the cherry blossoms were in bloom. It didn't take me long to realize this fact.
I saw her amongst them. She was surrounded by them. There was silence, besides the sound of the rushing water from the river going through the trees and the crashing sound of water from the waterfall that originated from the river on top of the cliff. This is where she was. She stood timidly next to the river. She dipped her fingers in the clear and glistening water. I quietly walked up behind, trying to sustain the peace of her sacred escape.
"What are you doing?"
She jumped startled, a little bit of water splashing up as she quickly withdrew her fingers. I didn't intend on scaring at all, it was little mistake I made.
"Oh, Hiei. It's just you." She breathed and relaxed as she turned to the water again.
"Why are you out here?"
"The madam is angry again. Sukino has fallen ill." The madam, a woman I despise and Sakura's mother. She was an evil detestable woman in my opinion.
"Ill? Didn't she just recover?"
"She wanted to go swimming even though I told her it was unwise. My younger sister is weaker than I."
That's when she finally looked at me. It was her cats yellow eyes that caught my attention. They were full of three things; worry, sorrow, and beauty. And they were so intensely present. The worry made me want to give my life to assure her that everything would be alright. The sorrow made me want to shed the tears that she couldn't. And the beauty made me believe in a truly pure soul that is capable in all of us. Her green hair shined in the sunlight and accented her skin that was so pale that it seemed like she was made from fragile porcelain. My heart ached as I explored her features, uncovering so many secrets that were similar to my own.
I returned to reality when I realized that she was waiting for me to respond. I really didn't know what to say at the moment. I searched for something to say.
"You know I've never met a dark sorceress that talked so elegantly."
"For me, it is required. Besides," she paused and smirked at me, "I've never met a demon that was so adorable." Even as she said that her eyes were still sad.
And for the time my cheeks were overcome by warmth and I felt a little embarrassed. And in my shame I looked down at the ground.
She looked surprised and then giggled. "Aw, how cute?"
The embarrassment became too much. It was too awkward for me to stay so jumped into one of the nearby cherry trees. Also, there was somewhere I had to be. I looked back one last time before leaving. It was amazing how her beauty increased when the cherry blossoms were in bloom.
Yoko just woke up suddenly. He's breathing hard and has a bewildered look about him, but his eyes were full of terror, as if he saw a ghost. His disorientation made me worried and curious at the same time.
"Are you all right?" He was startled. I made the same mistake once again.
"I'm fine. Why are you awake?"
He noticed. I should've expected as much. He notices everything odd about me.
"I couldn't sleep."
He gives me a semi-heart broken look before he looked down. I should have told him the dream I had. Maybe, he would tell me his. The only thing keeping me from telling him is fear. It's my fear of another walking out on me, another betraying my trust, another crushing my heart. I wish I could tell him how I feel, but I'm afraid it would all be for nothing.
"What do you want to do?" (Sooooo hungry…aaaagh.)
What do I want to do? I hadn't thought about it, but obviously he cares. No one has ever cared about what I wanted before. So, what do I want? We could see the cherry blossoms today. Hopefully he won't care. Wow, I just contradicted myself.
"They bloom today. Let's go see them." Wow, I'm vague.
"Sure." He smiled at me as to forgive me for being broad. My cheeks become heated and I can tell that I am blushing. This sucks because I know he is enjoying this. He knows me to well; he knew this was going to happen.
We arrive at the botanical gardens. We come here often. This is a place Yoko showed me to when I first arrived. It was winter and there was snow on the ground and he told me it was his spring to get away from the cold winter of the world. It was a metaphor he used that took me awhile to understand until I became attached to this place.
Now, I have realized that everyone I ever loved, except for my sister whom I've always loved, had some connection to plants. I could even be more specific and say flowers. I've gone from cherry blossoms to roses to a combination of different kinds of flowers. (I wonder what plant Yoko's death tree is manipulated from? Could it be a Venus fly trap? Hmm…) It could be some kind of sign.
I look at Yoko lost in his thoughts. He always seems to be so broody. There's something I hate about it. Maybe it's the fact that he's not paying attention to me. Or maybe it's that look that he always has. But, it's what makes him, him, and I don't want him to change; he should remain constant in my life.
"Yoko. Don't space out on me."
He looks at me blankly first. Then he gets this mixed expression of analytical along with sympathetic. I have the ability to read his mind, but it would be disrespectful and sneaky to do so. The thoughts of someone are more sacred than a diary that you would copy them down into. It's how you see the world and how you respond to everything. Reading someone's mind would be like drinking the blood of another in a cup that doesn't belong to you. But, sometimes I do wonder what it would taste like to drink his blood from the cup of his soul.
Now I watch him as he decides to walk away from me. He does it so casually, without saying a single word. Sometimes, words aren't needed, as in this case. His actions are telling me to leave him in his solitude. That's just fine with me. I'll accompany myself with random thoughts that stain my mind.
A cherry blossom falls on my nose. Its softness tickles it, like the way fathers are tickled by the giggles of their favorite dolls, with innocent naïve auras surrounding them. But, not all dolls get to be the epitome of all that is pure. Not all of them get to giggle with blind ignorance, as daddy promises his little princess all the love in the world. Not all the little dolls in the world get to be princesses. Sakura wasn't one. The sound of the soft sobs of a Cinderella taken hostage by a demon, and never found her prince Charming echo in my head.
"What's wrong?"
"It's Sukino. The illness killed my little sister, and the madam blames me for the death of my best and only friend."
Though, I remained calm and emotionless as always I felt two pains. I felt her mortification of the loss of her sister and the torture inflicted as consequence. Then I also felt the cut of her words, as it seemed that I was not as important to her. That's when the most psychotic of women walked in, her mother.
"There's the little whore that killed her sister!" The madam walked towards Sakura and slapped her with pure wrath in her eyes.
"What are you doing! That's your daughter!" I yelled with anger swelling up inside me, seeping out through everything that was me. She looked back at me with a conceited and deranged gleam in her eye.
"Mind your own business, demon! She's no daughter of mine. Just a useless tramp and a pain in my ass!" She kicked Sakura in the ribs before leaving her in the darkness, where her tears of pain were the only things that possessed warm. I couldn't even warm her body to soothe the wounds.
"Hiei, I can't live here anymore. Without my sister there is no one to protect me." And the truth hurts. I didn't want her to leave me behind, but as much as I wanted to, I could not protect her. That was the truth that stung the most. I couldn't protect her.
But overall, I understood. The suffering is so great for those children who are born "forbidden" or "forgotten" or "unwanted". So, I was not surprised when the next day came and her disappearance was apparent. It's so much easier to run away before you are abandoned, and she knew it. This way there was no way to find her, and no one could. It was only a short period of time before they gave up on searching for a child who was not wanted anyways, a child who was not loved. But, I loved her. I had only realized that when the hurt of her absence caused me to eternally look for her. For, my love hurts more when I can't see her than when I gaze upon her amongst an orchard of cherry trees.
The sprinklers shook me from my thoughts. I should look for Yoko before it starts to get too wet. That bastard could be anywhere, as big as this place is. I shouldn't have let him get too far away from me. Well, standing here fuming is not going to bring him to me.
I start walking in the direction I saw him leave in. A few minutes after I started walking that way I saw a patch of Queen Roses. I stopped to stare at them and red hair blazed in my mind, red hair that belonged to the gorgeous and gentle Suuichi. Yes, gentle; everything about him was gentle. And it just wasn't his smile, and his personality, or the way he approached people or situations. Even the way he touched me was gentle; the way he loved was gentle. Just like the feel of a rose petal on your skin. Even his butterfly kisses felt like I was kissing the softness of rose petals.
But now, I hate him for what he did to me. No—that's a lie. I hate myself for not being able to give him what he needed, what he wanted. I still love him, but he does not love me anymore, and I understand why. I do not deserve to be loved, especially not by him. I hate him? No, I hate me. I hate Hiei.
I begin searching again and, of course, I found him. He's deep in his thoughts again; disconnected from this world, I can tell. This means his guard is down. Silly Yoko, don't you know that you should never put your guard down? Someone, like me, could sneak attack. Lucky for you it's only a test of you reflexes. Lucky for you I'm just looking for a little fun. Get ready Yoko.
"Hiei," his sturdy voice called.
"Hm?" Damn, he sensed me.
"Do you wanna go now?"
"Sure."
It makes no sense that we left. There is nothing to do in this town. So, for a while we were walking around aimlessly. I looked at the people walking around. There was so many different couple in different kinds of pairings. There were demons with zombies, zombies with vampires, vampires with sorcerers, and even humans with these different species as well. This is how it was in Harmony.
After walking around we ended up at a cliff. This cliff looked so familiar. It looked identical to the cliff where I shared that moment with the deceivably soft eyed him. The cliff was high with a crashing ocean at the bottom. Everywhere was a sea of green of the recently reborn grass. And in the middle of the landscape was one big wisteria tree, shading the surrounding area. Exactly like the cliff from my dream
I could feel deep within me the sadness, the embarrassment of my stupidity. And I could feel the longing I used to have and the selfishness I once possessed. Possessed, yes I was possessed. I was possessed by everything that was him, and I still am. His presence in my mind was making my heart throb in pain every beat, every thump of my heart.
Yoko looked at me weird and worried. I must've shown my current pain in some form. Yoko looked at me, straight into my eyes. They must have been telling him more than I would ever say or admit to. But, I wish he hadn't seen me this way.
"You okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine." But my reassurance was probably not all that convincing.
A song began to play in the background, but I paid no mind. I only listened to the sound of the waves crashing up against the cliff. Just like in that moment, how Suuichi's moans had synchronized with the sound of the crashing waves. And I heard how his heavy breaths harmonized with the sound of the blowing wind. Soon, these sounds of pleasure turned into the echoes of rejection in my head. I'll never forget my denial.
It had been a while since I had seen him, for he stopped visiting me. After his long absence I decided to look for him out of worry. I was afraid that something might have happened to him. One day I found him in the park with some girl with chocolate brown hair and smoky gray eyes. Her skin was pink, but her cheeks were rosy. Seeing him with this girl made me curious, so I approached them.
"Hello."
"Hiei! Hanaki, can I have a little time?"
"Sure," she responded cheerfully and walked away. I guessed her name was Hanaki. Some name; it sounded as disgusting as she looked.
"Who's that?" I sneered, letting all my envy show through my tone.
"That's my…um…my girlfriend," he answered nervously.
"What?" I was shocked at hurt. Then I hoped I heard him wrong.
"I didn't know how to tell you, but I can't be with you anymore." Instead of looking at me he looked at the ground.
"Why not?" I wanted to know what I did. I wanted to know damn it!
"You see, you're still uncertain about how you feel and that makes me question your commitment." My commitment? He was the one who betrayed me!
"I don't understand." My confusion was apparent.
"Hiei, I need something that is now. I can't keep waiting for you."
"I see." Now, I was just hurt. I looked at the ground as well to hide the pain in my eyes.
Suuichi finally looked up. "Well, I guess this is farewell."
I didn't look up, and I no longer cared. "Yeah…"
"I'm sorry." He tried to touch my shoulder.
I pulled away. "Don't be." And I could tell he wasn't. He didn't care. I was nothing to him.
That was the last time I saw him. Hanaki, that name will always make me swell up with anger. Her name meant flower (kinda…), but did she have to take away the rose that I loved so much? But, it wasn't really her fault. I was stupid for not being able to hold on to what I cherished. He was like a prized possession, that I let get stolen. Now, out of love I just hope that he is happy. I hope that now he is a prized possession with an adequate owner.
Just then I felt Yoko wrap his arms around me. I felt treasured when protective arms were wrapped around my body. With him so close to me I felt sacred in a way. And all these feelings encouraged me to drift into his warm embrace.
"Yoko, let's go home."
He nodded and released me from his hold. After he got up he paused. It was a bit unusual the way he was looking at me. He stared at me like he was trying to get the answer to some hopeful question of his that would make his greatest dream come true. And I wanted to know what his question was. For some reason his happiness meant the world to me, so what is it that he wanted me to do?
We walked home, standing close to each other the whole way, and in total silence. Once we had arrived I headed straight for the garden. The garden is where I spend most of my time. I sit on the same bench I always sit on. Right in the middle of the garden right across from the tomatoes. I could tell Yoko sat here a lot too. His scent lingers in this area of the garden. His scent, it contains the beautiful smell of flowers and the metallic smell of blood. We've both have had pasts like that.
Later on Yoko walked out to join me. His face was blank as he sighed. He placed his head on my lap when he laid down. His long silver hair shined in the sunlight like the armor of a warrior who is about to die in battle, but in this case there was an element of beauty within this shimmer.
I couldn't help but to comb my fingers through those gleaming silver strands. I could hear the rhythm of his breathing beginning to slow. He was getting comfortable and relaxing on my lap. He shifted and his soft, strong hand grabbed my small, pale, cold one. Then I felt his soft lips gently, like the wings of a butterfly, kiss my hand. Then I was blank as he pulled me closer to him. His lips met mine and my cold body begged for more of the fire he was emitting, and I returned the kiss as his passion warmed my soul. This feeling he gave me, like déjà vu, it was all so familiar.
--Eh, too lazy to say anything of interest. Merry Christmas, Feliz Navidad, and Joyeux Noel. See you next year. And review or Santa'll leave a big lump of coal in your stocking. REVIEW!