Port Charles: The REAL General Hospital

Chapter 2

A/N: Ahem. Now that we've recovered from Kelly Monaco winning 'Dancing With The Stars' (Nicole and Asia both take a shot of Pepto Bismol and Whiskey), we bring you an update. Oh, and thanks to those that reviewed. You're as cool as we are -well, maybe not as cool, but still cool enough to poke fun at the ever-so-lovely GH.

"Aww, my little snuggy-snuggy poo. Momma loves you so much! Yes, she does! You're so precious! You're Momma's pwetty-pwetty snuggy-snuggy poo!"

Ric emerged from the bedroom of the apartment he shared with Alexis and Kristina. He looked at the little girl and smiled. Not because she was simply a doll. Not because she only said a word when a certain blonde mobstress kidnapped her but because she belonged to Sonny.

"What a way to score one for the team, Ric," he thought to himself.

He then walked over to Alexis. "Talking to the baby?" he asked.

She looked up at him over her glasses. "No. I'm talking to Kristina! I'm her mother, she's my daughter. Not Sonny's but mine. Sure she was conceived during a spontaneous moment of passion. Well, if you can call it that. Passion, lust, whatever. It happened. Not that I regretted a moment of it. I say that not because Sonny is such a skilled expert in the bedroom but because I got a beautiful daughter out of it. A daughter that almost didn't make it thanks to Luis Alcazar. That crazy man. By the way, I may have faked D.I.D but I'm not crazy. Maybe a tad neurotic, no I wouldn't even say that because you can't really call it neurotic maybe it's just a mother's instinct. Everything I do, I do out of my undying love for my daughter. My daughter. Not Sonny's." She exhaled. "Coffee?"

Ric sighed then looked at Kristina. He frowned at her attire: a snowsuit, a hat, gloves, a turtleneck and snow boots. He then turned his attention towards the television.

The weather man ran a hand over his forehead to feign exhaustion. "Whew! Gonna be a hot one today, folks! 80 degrees. Not a cloud in the sky!"

Alexis continued to sip her coffee. Kristina just … stared and … blinked. She really was her father's daughter.

"Didn't you hear that?" Ric yelled. Alexis ignored him –like always. Instead she began to prepare Kristina's breakfast: three cups of orange juice (can never have too much vitamin C), two pieces of toasts (gotta love that fiber!), a cup of milk (hello? No calcium equals Osteoporosis) and 10 assorted vitamins -and we ain't talking the Flintstone kind, folks.

"Alexis! It is 80 degrees outside! Take the jacket off of her!" Ric screamed.

His wife pushed her glasses up and continued chewing applesauce then feeding it to Kristina by mouth. "I want her to be prepared for winter! I'm her mother!"

"Its summertime!"

"I don't care!" Alexis screamed. "Do you know what would happen if Kristina was over at Sonny's right now? She'd be in shorts and a tank top! I don't think so! I am not Sonny. That man's parenting skills is a joke. He is constant threat to this entire town including Kristina, his own daughter. Bodyguards, drivers, police constantly after him! What kind of life is that for a child?" She exhaled. "Omelet? Wait, I don't cook but the producers re-write history every day so why not?"

"Just take the jacke-"

"Don't tell me what to do! I do not follow your orders or Sonny's orders- oh my God!" Alexis balked suddenly clutching her stomach. She sat on the couch and pulled Ric over. "Look! Feel!"

Ric put his hand to her stomach and smiled. Their little baby was kicking … on cue … like always when they were fighting.

Alexis pulled Kristina over. "Feel your little baby sister or baby brother kick, Kristina!"

But the little girl did nothing. She just … stared and … blinked.

"Look how attentive she is to her little sibling already!" Alexis cooed. "You're going to be the best big sister in the world aren't you?"

"Actually, I plan to be quite an exceptional and incomparable big sister who will perform her duties in stride. I am prepared to watch this young lad mature into a divine human being who will make an imperative and eternal impression on this town, this state, this world and eventually the universe," Kristina responded nonchalantly.

Ric's jaw dropped. He wondered in awe if Sonny had taught her all of that. He knew it! The man was a genius, a god even. Alexis took her glasses off then put them back on then removed them again. Damn that Sonny if he had taught her all of that.

"Alexis, did you hear that? Kristina is on her way to Harvard!" Ric said.

"No. Yale! This child is going to Yale, aren't you, sweetie?" Alexis responded.

But Kristina said nothing. She just … stared and … blinked. Her sudden spurt of words was a one time thing, never ever to be repeated again. Sort of like when Sam was in love with Sonny. Sorta of like when Jason took his shirt off. It was gone with the wind –or that hurricane that suddenly decided to blow into New York.

But the two ignored their little girl and continued to debate.

"Yale!"

"Harvard!"

"Yale, damnit!"

"Damnit, Harvard!"

"Yal- oh! The baby just did a somersault!" Alexis said eagerly.

Ric put his hand to the womb. He shook his head. "No, more like a back hand spring with a toe touch."

"That was a somersault, Ric!" the woman yelled.

"Back hand spring toe touch!" Ric screamed.

So as the two continued to argue over their unborn child's flexibility, and as Kristina continued on in her own little world, things weren't exactly out of the ordinary in the Lansing household.

"So anyways, I think you're right Sam," Emily said, her eyes bright with tears. "I'm going to go tell Nikolas how much I love him, and I'm going to make tonight really, really, really special for him!"

Sam opened her mouth to talk but before any words came out the front door flew open and Carly burst in, wide-eyed and frantic.

"Where's Jason?" she asked, her big eyes landing on Sam and Emily on the couch.

"Do you ever knock Carly?" Sam asked, standing up and shoving her hands in her back pockets.

"Do you ever shop anywhere other than Baby Gap?" Carly shot back, nodding at Sam's too-tight shirt. "So where's Jason? I need to talk to him."

"Michael called him earlier so he's over there," Sam said.

"Why would he call Jason? I'm his mother after all, he should have called me!"

"Yeah well, Jason loves Michael like he was his own, so it's good that Michael can depend on him. Is there anything else? Because if not, you can leave."

Carly laughed. "You think you're special Sam, and it's cute and all, but don't act like you're freaking queen of the penthouse."

"I'm sorry, which one of us still lives here?"

"Skank!" Carly flew across the room to Jason's pool table and grabbed one of the pool sticks. "Got anything else to say to me now?" She asked, wielding the stick in Sam's direction.

"You're crazy!" Sam spit out as Carly tried to hit her with the stick. She executed a perfect cartwheel to get out of the way. Well, perfect except for the fact that she screwed up the landing but hey, those dancing lessons were really paying off. Carly missed her, hitting the couch behind her and narrowly missing Emily by just a few inches. Emily in turn, bent down and retrieved a scorecard and showed it to Sam.

Sam stared at her incredulously. "A four?" she snapped. "A four?"

"I'm sorry," Emily said with a shrug. "I didn't enjoy it, you looked a little tense."

"But she has pool stick aimed at me!" Sam cried. "What would you have done?"

"Hey!" Carly's scream interrupted the other two. "I'm still here," she reminded them.

"Oh yeah." Sam stuck her hands in the back pockets of her jeans and took a deep breath. "Get out!"

Carly stood still for a moment, her head cocked towards the still open door. "Oh you can't be serious," she muttered to herself. She glared at Sam again. "I'm leaving, but only because there's someplace else I have to be. Tell Jason I was here." She shook the pool stick in Sam's direction before storming out of the room, slamming the door behind her.

Sam took a deep breath and sat back down next to Emily. As she did so, another button popped off of her shirt. She sighed as she bent down to pick it up. "So do you think you'll have to fake it with Nikolas again tonight?" she asked as she dropped the tiny button into the half-filled dish on the table.

Carly stood outside of the other penthouse, her ear pressed against the heavy wooden door. Her eyes bugged out as she heard screams coming from within the room. As her hand was on the door, she heard Reese scream "Sonny!"

"Caught ya!" Carly cried as she opened the door without knocking. She stared at the scene before her.

Reese and Sonny looked up from their spots on the couch.

"You're…" Carly squinted as she stared at the couple. "You're playing Battleship?" she asked, her voice full of disappointment.

"Uh, yeah Carly, we are," Sonny said, as he stood up and walked over to the bar. She couldn't help but giggle as she saw he was wearing his black velour tracksuit over a white wifebeater. "Is there uh, a reason you're here?"

"Oh no, I was just visiting Jason, but he wasn't home, and I heard screams coming from in here so you know I had to come see what was going on."

"I sunk Sonny's submarine," Reese stated, explaining her reason for screaming.

"I'll bet you did," Carly muttered to herself. "Whore."

"What did you just say?" Reese asked. She started to stand up but she saw the pool stick still in Carly's hand and sat back down.

Sonny took a sip of his whiskey and bared his teeth before he spoke. "So uh Carly, where's Morgan?"

"With Leticia, where's Michael?"

"I uh… isn't Leticia at the house with him?"

"Great Sonny! Just great! How can you even say that you care about Michael when you don't even know where he is? I'm his mother and I love my boys more than anything in the world and you can't even tell me who's watching him!"

"Now wait a damn minute!" Sonny slammed his glass down on the desk and his eyes flashed angrily. "Michael and Morgan are uh, just as much my sons as yours and don't you dare try and tell me you love them more than me. I love them more than uh, anything in this world and you know it!"

Carly snorted. "Yeah, and you sure showed that by jumping into bed with a Fed."

"I wouldn't talk Mrs. Alcazar."

Carly's lips quivered and her eyes filled with tears. "How did things get to be like this Sonny?" she whispered. "We love both our boys and we shouldn't be fighting about them."

"You're right," he agreed. "So, do you want to go find them, because uh, I got important business that I need to deal with that I can't tell you about."

Carly laughed bitterly as she ran her free hand through hair. "I'll go take care of our boys," she said. She tapped the pool stick against the floor as she stared at her ex-husband and his new girlfriend. "Have fun with your important business." She stormed out of the penthouse, slamming the door behind her.

Sonny turned back to Reese. "So uh, where were we?" He looked down at the game. "Oh yeah. Uh, H 10."

"Sonny, you're cheating!" Reese squealed as she placed a red peg on her board.

Carly sighed as she made her way up the walk to her and Lorenzo's house. It had been a long day and not only was she tired, but she was stressed out too. First, she had to deal with Sam, and that was never pleasant, and then she had to deal with Sonny and Reese, and that was worse than seeing Sam, and she hadn't even gotten to see Jason, which had been her whole reason for leaving the house that morning anyway. She still didn't know where her kids were, but she was sure that if they were with Leticia, they were fine. They were always fine.

Envisioning a hot, relaxing bubble bath and maybe some chocolate brownies, Carly was more than ready to just go inside and kick off her shoes. She placed her hand on the doorknob and twisted it. She frowned when the door didn't budge and tried to turn it again. It was locked? The notion was foreign to Carly.

"Huh." She dug in her purse for awhile before finding the key chain she was looking for. She flipped through the keys, there was the key to Reese's penthouse, Jason's penthouse, Sonny's new house…keys she didn't really need because the doors were always open anyways. Courtney's loft…wait, wow. She stopped for a moment and thought of her best friend, trying to remember what she looked like. Shaking her head she flipped through a few more, reciting the doors as she searched. Kelly's, the back door to Kelly's, General Hospital, she should really give that one back to Bobbie sometime soon. Ferncliff. She shuddered as she looked at that key, praying she'd never need it again.

"Thirty keys and I don't have one to my own house?" she mumbled as she threw the keys back into her purse. "Who the hell locks their doors anyway?" She looked around, trying to figure out what how she could get in. Her big eyes widened even more as she looked down at the pool stick she still had with her.

"That'll teach him to lock me out of my own house," she rationalized, going around to the front of the house. She gripped the stick with both hands and shattered a window with it.

Immediately an alarm went off and as Carly climbed through the window and into the front hallway she had to give her husband credit. The only house that was actually locked in Port Charles was also the only one with a working security system.

Jason voiceover: "….yeah …"

Commercial: "Love Carly's pool stick? Wish you had the audacity to try a beat a skank with it? How about just carry it around as an accessory? Well, it could be yours for only 5 easy payments of $350! Purchase it at part of ABC Shop the Shops!"
Kristina voiceover: "(crickets heard in background)"

Liz (looking at her breakfast): "Ugh, Lucky. Peanut butter and popcorn sandwiches again? I bet Jax would give me caviar …"

Georgie (fighting for power over the remote control): "Like, no way, Maxie! We are not watching Zenon!"