Author's Note: Seriously, have you seen the show lately? We apologize for nothing!
Skye walked briskly into the living room of the Quartermaine mansion and sat down next to Lorenzo Alcazar on the couch.
He winked at her then took a sip of his Whiskey.
She smiled in response and flipped her Pantene Pro-V tresses, wishing that she could take a sip of anything other than water.
"So …" he began.
"So yourself …" she replied.
He sat his glass down and peered into her eyes. "So, are you going to come work at ELQ or do I have to stalk you then fall in love with you and put a tracking device in your cell phone?"
Skye laughed. "Oh, come on Lorenzo. Look at you. You're a wonderful, passionate, handsome, intelligent and," she tried to come up with another compliment since Lorenzo Alcazar could not be pimped, err, praised enough by Skye Quartermaine. "Oh, and witty guy! Why, Lorenzo, you can get any girl in town to work for you. Why do you want me of all people?" She stared at his half full glass almost tasting the liquor on her tongue.
"Well, that's true. I can have any girl in town work for me but you're the only one without a storyline, absolutely perfect hair and a wardrobe that's probably the reason for ABC's budget problems," he answered with a grin on his face.
Skye nodded. The man had a point. "What about your wife? You know, that skinny little thing running around with her nose in everyone's business. That brunette hellcat who is never home with you where she should be? That woman who is constantly balking at someone? Not that I would ever try to place Carly in a bad light in front of you."
At that moment Sam ran in breathless. "I spy with my little eye a really buff hitman!"
Skye and Lorenzo stared at her. Speechless.
Sam stomped her foot in frustration and placed a hand on one of her hips.
"Where's Jason?"
The redhead stood up quickly. "Um, Jason isn't here ..."
Sam sighed. "We were walking on the docks and he told me to look, said that a unicorn was following us. I turned around to look then turned back around and he was gone!"
"Sorry to hear that but he isn't here," Skye answered.
Sam shook her head. "Damn. I'm sorry. Carry on." She turned on her heels and ran out.
"Anyways," Lorenzo began but was interrupted by Alan who rolled in on his wheelchair.
"What are you looking at?" he sneered. "And if you're looking for Jason, you're knocking on the wrong door because he doesn't live here. In fact, he's gone. Dead! Adios, baby! I'd say he was dead to me but only Sonny gets to use that line this week."
"Is that all, Alan?" Skye asked. This was getting ridiculous.
"Nice try" he muttered. "By the way," he reached into his pocket, "this came for you in the mail." He flung an envelope at her before scoffing at Lorenzo and proceeding to leave the room.
Skye shook her head and sat back down. "Let's see …" She opened up the envelope with had traces of glitter and calligraphy writing. She suddenly took in the aroma of soft jasmine. Quite a familiar scent. Who often smelled like flowers in a soft breeze on a fresh summer day? "Oh, wow, Jax sent me this! My ex-husband who left me on our wedding night to go after his true love sent me mail! How wonderful!" She began to read the small card inside. "Hm … you've been cordially invited to a fabulous carnival-themed soiree given by Jasper and Courtney Jax. Please bring any kind of liquor, preferably Vodka, to help celebrate."
"Sounds like a splendid time," Lorenzo said smiling.
"Yes, it does and, please, don't ever say splendid again," Skye responded as she watched Lorenzo get up and walk over to the wet bar that conveniently sat right in the living room of a house occupied by a recovering alcoholic.
Lorenzo quickly downed his drink. He nodded in satisfaction. "This is good stuff, Skye. Only the best your family has got here."
Skye continued to look on. She felt her throat grow parch.
"Mmm. Nothing like a nice glass of champagne or a shot of Vodka, or two, if you really want to have a good time. It's really true what they say –liquor is definitely quicker," he continued. "Well, I better be going. We've had yet another pointless conversation about Carly and ELQ. Thanks again for your endless propping of me. It really helps a man out during those cold, lonely nights when his wife is out having sleepovers at her ex-husband's house." He kissed her cheeked then walked out –as Jason ran in.
"Hide me," he said rubbing a hand over his face. "Sam's after me. She wants to play PCPD and Mobsters. She's threatening to break out the handcuffs."
Skye stared at him in disbelief. He stared back. She stared harder then blinked.
"I win," Jason announced proudly. He had yet to find someone to beat him at The Staring Game.
Ever the perfect sister who wouldn't dare let her "brother" be apart of some woman's sordid sex fantasies, Skye threw Jason a lampshade. "Here. Put this over your head and sit on the floor Indian-style."
As always, Jason did as he was told. Sam ran in, wielding a gun taller than Sonny which was pretty much the equivalent of a stun gun. "Okay, I know I just saw him run in here. Jason just ran in here. Where is Jason? Jason's here isn't he? Is Jason here?"
"Uh, I don't know Sam. I haven't seen him," Skye said staring at the bar.
"Feel free to look around. I have to go pick out an outfit for a party." With that, she walked out of the room and up the stairs as Sam pranced around the room whispering, "Come out, come out, wherever you are."
"Hey, Liz! Got a minute?" Emily asked following behind Liz.
Before the nurse could respond, Emily sighed and said, "Thanks. You're a great friend."
The two walked over to the hottest new meeting place in town: the waiting area.
"Liz, you have to help me, I need some advice," Emily said sighing.
"Em, I've got a hundred things to do. I have to give out this medication, help with a surgery, give out a round of shots and finish my book 'How To Go From Waitress To Nurse In Two Weeks'. I really don't have the time."
"Great. So listen," Emily began adjusting her diamond tiara with a groan. Her halo was in the shop and these damn pins were killing her. "I have a problem … Robin is coming back in town!"
At that moment an alarm went off, two nurses fainted, a man awoke from a 10 year coma and a gun shot was heard.
"We've got a suicide on the 5th floor. We need backup," said an announcement over the speakers.
Elizabeth gasped. "Not Robin!"
"Not Robin!" repeated one of Sonny's enemies, rolling by in wheelchair but promptly got up and ran for the exit.
"Yes, Robin!" Emily screamed, shaking as always. "You know why she's doing this right?"
"To steal Jason from Sam so JaSam fans can get a taste of what it feels like to be a Journey or Liason fan?" Liz replied.
"God! No, Liz! Why are you always thinking of yourself? What about me?" Emily pouted her lips and folded her arms over her chest. "Do my new highlights look good?"
"I think-"
"They're you go again! Me! Me! Me! Anyways, Robin's here to steal my title of Little Miss Immaculate Soul Port Charles. Why does she have to come a ruin everything?"
"Em, I'm sure it'll be fine. Hey-"
"Is my lipgloss too dull? Does it not shine enough to nearly blind the viewers' at home?" Emily asked whipping out a compact she saw Jax drop on the docks.
"Emily, you're beautiful. Hey, you got two quarters for the vending machine? I only got 25 cents to my name and I am craving a Snickers bar. Lucky told me to make the quarter stretch to the end of this week but I simply can't."
Emily rolled her eyes. "Liz! For the last time, why must everything be about how poor you and Lucky are? Now give me 25 cents. I want a Snicker's bar and I don't feel like trying to find the valet guy to retrieve my car. Come on. Hand it over. I promised Sonny I would baby-sit and then we'd have a simple conversation which people would mistake for upcoming pairing. Now, hurry, I have a round of shots to give before heading over to Sonny's house."
"Emily, you're a doctor now?"
"Of course not. But I get to wear this really cool lab coat just like my mommy. Now hand over the change."
Liz sighed then did as she was told. That Emily was such a wonderful friend. Always had others on her mind. Never one to think of herself.
She then watched as Bobbie helped wheel a man on a stretcher off the elevator. The man had spots of blood soaking through the sheets as he screamed, "Don't save me! Don't you dare try and put me through surgery! I stole one of Sam's guns and shot myself for a valid reason!"
"Sir, there is no valid reason to turn to suicide," Bobbie said as she suddenly remembered that she was supposed to go take Lucas to get his highlights redone yesterday.
"Robin's coming back!"
"Oh!" the nurse said removing the I.V from the man's arm. "Be my guest. Meet your maker!"
"Thank you!"
"Robin?" cried Alexis appearing out of nowhere simply to show off her maternity attire.
"Yes, Robin," a nurse screamed before swallowing a handful of Vicodin followed by some Vodka she had stole from a Mrs. Jasper Jacks earlier.
"Oh no!" Alexis said having yet another panic attack. "Maybe I should fake D.I.D again! Dress up as Dobson? Sleep with Sonny! No, I'll get myself caught up in a shoot out. That's right. Jason and that two-gun thing is a real turn on."
"Alexis, you're pregnant!" Liz yelled.
The expect mother looked down. "Crap. Ah, well. Gotta go. Nothing like driving to the studios only to have one scene then have to leave and turn right back around to go home. Someone is giving me gas money."
"Be careful," Liz called out behind her.
"Who ate the last of the cocoa puffs?"
"How long is she going to sleep?"
"I can't believe this is our forty-eighth day in here!"
"How come Alan got to leave today?"
"Shut up!"
"Oh look, Sleeping Beauty's finally awake." Tracy winced as her eyes fluttered opened.
"Your voice is so grating," she said through clenched teeth as she opened her eyes full and gazed at her ex daughter-in-law. "Almost three months stuck with you and still, I can't stand it." Tracy sat up and looked at her cellmates, as she affectionately liked to call them. They had been together for a long time now, and sure, occasionally one of them would be let out for 10 minutes here and there, but for the most part, no one realized they were gone. There was Ned (Brooklynn's dad, you remember him) Monica, Edward (you remember him too, gray haired guy?), Lois (Brookie's mom, surely you remember her clothing) and Tony (GH's only male doctor ever on staff) were all standing around her. Her eyes swept the room and she moaned, her voice full of dismay.
"What the? Oh no! Ric's panic room! No!" She stood up and glared at everyone accusingly, as was her way. "What the hell happened?"
"How should we know?" Monica asked haughtily as she placed her hands on her hips, which were covered in a very expensive red suit. "We were all chloroformed and dragged here just as you were."
"Chloroformed?" Tracy's voice was near screeching now. "The last I knew, we were all locked in the freezer!"
"And my voice is grating?" Lois snickered.
"Who drugged us?" Tracy stomped her foot. "I have important things to do today! I have to get my husband to divorce me and I have to get my son to break up with his girlfriend."
"Good luck with that," Tony said. "And we don't know why we're in here any more than you do so I suggest you sit down and shut up."
"You can't talk to me like that!" She whirled around. "Daddy, tell him! Have him thrown out of the hospital!"
"Oh shut up Tracy," Edward said tiredly. "I haven't got the time for this either, did you think of that? I'm an old man. I know I suddenly look like, 30 years younger than I'm supposed to, but I'm too old for this crap."
"He probably sees Bobbie's plastic surgeon," Ned whispered to Lois, who cackled.
"You show me some respect!" Edward waved a finger non-threateningly in Ned's face. "I'm tired of you disrespecting this family."
"Well I'm tired of this family!" Ned snapped.
"Thank God I'm not a part of this family, why am I even here?" Tony wondered. Lois started humming "one of these things just doesn't belong" but stopped quickly when 5 pairs of eyes turned on her.
"What?" she asked defensively. "He doesn't!"
"Please," Tracy asked with a grimace. "Just stop talking!"
"Hey look at this." Monica picked up a remote control and clicked the on button. A whole wall divided into 6 separate television sets roared to life and the group of people who had yet wondered why they were kidnapped stared at it in fascination.
"Oh! It's 2, Passions is on!" Lois said eagerly. "Do we get cable?"
"Forget Passions," Tracy seethed. "If we're watching anything, we're watching One Life to Live!"
"Passions!"
"One Life to Live!"
"Passions!"
"What are you even doing here?" Tracy exploded. "We haven't seen you in months and all of a sudden you're back and you think you can tell me what we're going to watch on TV? We're watching One Life to Live."
"Enough!" Monica ordered, dangling the remote in front of the two bickering ladies. "We're watching As the World Turns or you're out of my house by midnight!"
"Oh for god sakes Monica!" Tony grabbed the remote from her. "This isn't cable. Cameras are set up all over Port Charles for us to see what's going on. See, there's Kelly's. Mike is wiping down the counter as always. Oh and look, Sonny's house. See? Carly's sneaking in through the window and the guards don't even notice." He pointed to a third screen. "The hospital, wow! If you and I are here whose on duty?"
"Oh it's okay," Monica said as they zoomed in on the nurses' station. "Elizabeth and Emily are right there, I bet they have everything under control."
"Of course Emily does," Edward said proudly. No one could argue with them. Emily never let them down. Well, except for when she thought she killed Ted, and when she tried to fly off the roof, started dating Juan, started dating Zander, and when she married Nikolas.
"You know, it's a good thing Nikolas is a prince," Monica mused, her eyes on the screen. "I mean, Emily's always at the hospital, but she only volunteers, I wonder when she'll realized she could be getting paid for everything."
"Don't tell her!" Edward exclaimed. "The hospital might still be getting sued by John Durant, if anyone cares anymore, and we need all the money we can keep!"
"Besides, haven't you heard?" Tracy leaned forward conspiratorially. "Emily and Nikolas are getting a divorce because Nikolas is lusting over Courtney Jax."
"No way!" Lois's eyes widened. "But what about Jaxie? Courtney loves him still, right?"
"Please, Courtney still loves Jason," Monica said. "She's just keeping busy with Nikolas until Sam leaves town and besides, I hear Emily and Nikolas aren't actually getting a divorce."
"Thank God," Ned said, with a shake of his head. "Poor Emily doesn't need any more stress in her life. The poor girl deserves to be happy, you know? We should throw her a party or something, just to tell her how special she is. I could sing!"
"You know what Neddie?" Lois shook her head. "Love ya and all, but you're no Eddie Maine anymore."
"Sure I am!" Ned stuck his tongue out at his ex-wife and then began singing. "Upside, inside out, she's living la vida loca!"
"Stop!" Tracy begged, covering her ears. "Daddy make him stop!"
"Hey look, it's Bobbie!" Tony cheered, looking at the screen. "She looks so hot."
"Sure, if you like plastic," Monica said snarkily. "Some of us prefer to age gracefully."
"And yet here you are, just aging," Tracy retorted.
"One more word out of you and you're out of the house for good!" Monica threatened. Tracy just rolled her eyes.
"Hey Tracy, there's that husband of yours." Tony pointed the screen number 4. Sure enough, Luke was seated at a table at Kelly's, not really doing anything at all.
"Hey, does he still own the Haunted Star?" Lois wondered. "I don't think anyone's gone there for awhile."
"How come he doesn't miss me?" Tracy asked. "Seriously, when he's in town he's flirting with Skye and not looking for me. If Laura disappeared for 5 seconds, he'd be on the next flight out of here to look for her."
"That's because Laura's a Port Charles icon," Monica muttered. "You're just here for the occasional humorous scene."
"Right, I forgot." Tracy's eyes were glued to the Kelly's screen. Lucky "Cowboy" Spencer had just walked in and was talking to his dad when suddenly, even though he was mid-sentence, Luke just stood up from his chair and walked away without a word.
"Why does he do that?" Tracy whispered. No one seemed to know. It was true, Luke clearly was an enigma. He could do whatever he wanted, too.
"Okay, so who wants to play "Guess who kidnapped us?" again?" Lois asked, already bored with the television sets. She inspected her long nails and snapped her gum loudly.
"Helena." Everyone said in unison. Game over.
"I still don't get why though," Tracy complained. "I mean, doesn't she usually go after Princess Emily? Isn't that why you adopted her in the first place? So Helena wouldn't go after anyone else in town ever?"
"If you say one more thing about my daughter--"
"I know, I know, I'm out of the house." Tracy rolled her eyes at Monica. "Seriously? Get a new threat."
"There's about to be a girl-fight!" Ned sang from the background.
"If Helena's going to go after anyone, Courtney better watch out," Lois interrupted. "Poor girl, she won't know what hit her. What do you think Helena will do? Poison? Kidnap? Drop her off a cliff?"
"Isn't Helena in jail?" Edward asked suddenly. Dead silence met the room. Nobody could remember for sure and well, come on, even if she was, it wasn't really her, it would be a clone or something.
"My loneliness is killing me, and I, I must confess, I still believe…" Ned's off-key voice interrupted the silence and everyone groaned at him.
"Anyways," Lois went on, ignoring her ex-husband's petulant pouting. "Do you even see this crap?" she used one extremely long finger nail to point at screen number 5. "Look at that, Jason's sitting in your living room with a damned lampshade on his head and Sam's got three guns she pulled out of nowhere and she doesn't even see him."
"Yeah, and look at that…" Edward pointed to another screen. "Jax and Courtney apparently have sex everywhere they can and drink more than Skye wants to, Georgie and Maxie are both sick and in the hospital at the same time and I don't even recognize their mother!" He shook his head sadly. "Port Charles just isn't what it used to be and I for one, am glad to be locked in this room and not out there having to admit I live here!"
Everyone murmured their agreement, except for Ned, who sang "I love you, I honestly love you…" Everyone still ignored him.
"Oh my god, did you hear that?" Monica rushed up the wall of televisions and pointed to the one at the hospital. "Shh, listen!" They listened as Emily and Elizabeth conversed, confirming everybody's worst nightmare had indeed come true.
"Oh no, not Robin!" They all wailed. Well, except for Ned, who broke out into a bad version of "Rockin' Robin." And Tony, who exclaimed,
"Hey, I kidnapped her once!"
As they all gathered around the television set in a humbled silence they all knew they were thinking the very same thing. If it was true, if Robin Scorpio was indeed coming back to town, then they were all most definitely happier stuck inside of the panic room.
Besides, it would only be for 6 months, right?
"Tweet, a tweetily deet!"
Tracy voiceover: Stay tuned for scenes from the next… (Lois interrupts) Oh shut up! We're in the panic room, nobody can hear you and nobody cares!
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Leslie voiceover (remember her voice? Neither do we.) : "On the next Port Charles, the Real General Hospital…"
Carly (in the alley behind Kelly's Diner) : "Carson sucks?" shakes a can of spray paint before painting over the words. "Reeson sucks!"
Courtney and Nikolas (after running into each other accidentally on the docks) "We're just friends!" They kiss passionately."I love my husband and you love you're wife! We're just friends!" They kiss again.