Hey all!
Well, Merry Christmas, and Happy New Year! Can you believe it's already 2006? Furthermore, can you believe I'm updating during the same season and nearly the same month? Will wonders never cease? Not much going on over here on this side of the monitor. I turn 18 on the 10th, so that'll be exciting. I had a conversation with my mother about what I wanted to do.
Mom: Hey, what do you want to do for your 18th birthday?
Me: I want you to take me to a liquor store.
Mom: Oo? You've gotten your birthdays mixed up. You can't do that for another 3 years.
Me: No, I don't want alcohol. I want a lottery ticket.
Mom: A lottery ticket?
Me: Yep. Oh, and I'm going to call one of those infomercials with the blue screen at the end that always tell you their product is $19.95, because they always say "Must be eighteen or older to call."
Mom: So, you're going to order something?
Me: Oh, no. I just want to call and be like, "No, I don't want anything. Today is my 18th birthday, so now I'm old enough to call. Yay me!"
Mom: rolls eyes Whatever…
See, I'm not easy to please. All I want is a lottery ticket. Oh, and reviews from you. Simple enough, right?
Yay, it's time for Review Comments!
Kris: yeah, I know. The whole story is a bit twisted, huh? But that's the whole fun of it. Try not to fall out of your chair. We seem to be having a real problem on our hands with my reviewers inability to stay seated while reading this story. I think I might have to start adding warning notices to each chapter…
Katsheswims: Thank you. Well, I don't think this chapter is going to clear anything up for you. I am such a mean authoress…
Bad-ass-cali-chick: so, judging from your user name, may I assume that you're from California, and a bad ass at that? Can't say that I'm a bad ass, but I'm from the Golden State as well, so yay! And yes, you are absolutely correct. It is the fear of long words.10 goobles for you! I am so glad I have intelligent readers.
Sango the Lecher Slayer: Kagster be Jewish… wow, I think I could have almost TOO much fun with that idea. I'm sure I'd take the madness to a whole new level with that song. Hmm…
Briea: Yes! I am so happy you liked it. 10 goobles to you! That is absolutely correct. Bambi, huh? So does that song take up about half of the 800-something words in that movie? If you send me the lyrics, I'll see if I can use them. No promises, since I haven't watched the movie since I was 10, and have no idea what the context of the song is so I can screw it up.
Miroir: wow, I am so flattered. You guys really shouldn't say such nice things. It totally bloats my head, and everyone knows bloated heads lead to problems coordinating outfits. But I am extremely happy that you laughed so much. That is the main mission of this fic (other than to get all of this crap out of my head…)
Namelessevil: ooh, I like your name. That's right on groovy. 10 goobles to you! That's right. It is the fear of long words. Yeah, that is very ironic. People who suffer from it can't even tell people what they're suffereing from. It's almost cruel, isn't it? Ack, you're gonna get that song stuck in MY head. And as if I don't have enough weird songs floating around up there…
Crazy4dogboi: isn't that part so funny? Goblet of Fire was one of my favorite books in the series. And thank you, I did have a happy holiday. I hope you did as well.
Well, that's all the reviewer comments! On with the disclaimer.
Disclaimer: Now that I'm almost 18, I can say that I don't own the characters or the songs. Just the madness. But, now maybe I can buy some stocks in the Inuyasha and Disney companies. That way I can write "partially own" Hmm… that is something to look into…
Naraku, to say the least, was not amused. He was actually so very not amused, that his normal plain old evil creepy-looking eyes started flashing different colors, and he developed a twitch in his neatly plucked left eyebrow. He was still wearing his decorative robes, so you can imagine how intimidating he seemed. Well, not intimidating so much as… flamboyant. But flamboyancy in a guy like Naraku is still a very scary prospect. So one could see why the pixies were shaking so much.
"What do you mean, you 'didn't finish her'?" Naraku growled at he looked down at the large gathering of pixies on his floor.
"Well, just that. She was too powerful. We couldn't do it." Lorehaug said as he twisted his amethyst ring around his finger nervously.
Naraku: (insert an angry outburst of expletives here)
"It's not our fault! We're just pixies! We LOST the War of the Charmed, remember? We really don't even like fighting!" Gailem jumped in. "We would much rather be outside, flying kites or something."
Naraku's eyes narrowed. "If you're going to be on my side when this is all said and done, you are going to have to start to like fighting. There will be no kite flying. You are going to have to be ruthless, merciless, and heartless. But all I get from you is clueless."
"Clueless my ass!" a pixie shouted. Her brethren tried to 'shush' her, but she pushed her way up to the front of the crowd, pointing an angry finger at Naraku. "I've heard the whispers about you. I've heard the stories. From what I can tell, we're not on the right side. I've got a clue about you, alright. You're evil!"
Naraku rolled his eyes. "No shit. Of course I'm evil! My name is 'Naraku' for Pete's sake! When's the last time you've heard of a good guy with that name? The whispers, the murmurs, the stories… they probably don't even do me justice."
Yerwam's turquoise eyes glared at Naraku. "Then why should we want to be a part of your plan?"
"Because while my side isn't the right side, it will be the winning side. And all those who aren't on it… well, let's just say they eventually won't be on any side."
"Well, then where will they be?" a confused voice asked. All eyes traveled upward to see Fred sitting happily on a shelf, next to something pickled and blinking in a jar.
"I think he was trying to be cryptic." Gailem informed him.
"Well, that was a pretty bad job. If he wanted to be cryptic, he should've said something like 'don't trust the trees' or 'we aren't the only ones with ears here' or 'don't lick the steak knife.'."
"I don't think that last one was very cryptic at all." Yerwam commented.
Fred shrugged. "Beggars can't be choosers."
"I AM STILL RIGHT HERE!" Naraku roared.
"We all are very much aware of that. Even though we all are representing the colors of the rainbow, you are kind of hard to miss with all the sequins." Lorehaug pointed out.
Naraku looked worried and pat down his robes. "They don't make me look…hefty, do they?"
"No comment." Fred replied.
"Why you little-"
"Eh hem…" someone coughed from the doorway. All eyes looked to see Kagura, leaning against the doorframe, looking less than enthusiastic.
"What is it?" her master barked at her. "Can't you see I'm busy?"
"Oh, yes. Really busy, asking a bunch of pixies whether or not you look fat in your fruity robes."
"You'll be careful how you address me, Kagura. I know how faint of heart you are."
"See?" Gailem said to Fred. "That was cryptic."
"I suppose. I could've done better tho-"
"SHUT UP!" Naraku yelled. He turned his attention back to Kagura. "What do you want?"
"Our spies say that Inuyasha and his crew seem to be very lax at this point. They're off guard. Especially the monk and the demon slayer. Word on the grapevine is, they finally got together."
"Well, it's about damn time. It only took them forever and a day. Jeez, that monk is so clueless when it comes to women!" Naraku said.
"This coming from a guy who's love life entails chasing after a dead woman who STILL won't give you the time of day."
Before Naraku could kill Kagura, Fred said, "You mean Kikyo? That woman is such a wet blanket. Which is really a feat, what with her preoccupation with the fires of hell and all."
Everyone: blink, blink
"When did you see Kikyo?" Lorehaug voiced aloud what everyone was thinking.
"A few days ago. Oh, and by the way, does painting daisies black constitute a black rose?"
"No, Fred. It doesn't." Yerwam sighed. "No wonder Mom never stopped going to Mack and his Pot after you were born."
"Shut up! What do you know? There's gotta be something in the water!"
"What?"
"I dunno. Everyone's been saying it a lot lately." Fred shrugged. "I wanted to feel like a sheep. Bah…"
Everyone: blink, blink.
"Enough of this nonsense. I suppose I can't blame you for failing miserably at your task." Naraku dramatically looked off into space, as if contemplating some intense question of the cosmos. Everyone else just kind of stood there, wandering what the hell he was looking at, when he swerved his head back toward them.
What can you expect
From that nasty little hanyou?
His whole disgusting race is like a curse
His coat's a hellish red
He'll be good when he's dead
He's a vermin, as I said
And worse
After Naraku's little schpeel, he looked expectantly at Kagura.
"Ah man, do I have to?"
"Yes, you have to! We've practiced this. Now, go get your sister!"
"Yes sir." Kagura mumbled. She stalked off, grumbling like a pissed off teenager. Which, come to think of it, isn't that far off from the truth. The pixies waited in silence as elevator music started playing and Naraku examined his fingernails interestedly. Finally, after about 3 minutes, Kagura returned with Kanna in tote. Naraku gave them a look. They both rolled their eyes, sighed, and then,
Half-breed mutt! Half-breed mutt!
Naraku:
Barely even demon
Kagura and Kanna:
Half-breed mutt! Half-breed mutt!
During this random outburst of song, Fred quietly slipped out of the open window, flying toward where he last left Inuyasha's gang, thinking to himself "I wonder if I'll ever fly as fast as Santa Clause…"
Naraku:
Wipe them on the floor!
They're not like you and me
Which means they must be human
We must sound the drums of war!
Demons (and pixies):
He's a half-breed mutt, half-breed mutt
Hangs out with those humans
Now we sound the drums of war!
To Inuyasha and the gang…
"Look, I know you guys are in love, or whatever, but do you think you could stop pushing your tongues down each others throats long enough to talk about our next course of action…(no response) or eat… (still none) or even breathe?" Inuyasha asked exasperated.
(cue sickening mushy kissy sounds)
"I'll take that as a no." He mumbled.
Sango was sitting on Miroku's lap, his arms around her waist, her arms entangled in his hair… the absolute perfect picture of what everyone had been hoping to see from those two. But not for 3 HOURS STRAIGHT!
"Oh, leave them alone Inuyasha. They deserve this." Kagome said, her eyes glued to her Geometry homework.
"Yeah, but I don't. Besides, you don't have to sit and watch them swap spit!"
"Um, you don't either. In fact, I'm a little worried that you've been watching as long as you have. Are you gonna do this on their wedding night as well?" Kagome teased, looking up at him.
Inuyasha's faced turned pale and he spluttered out, "No! That's-that's…ew!"
Kagome laughed. "Relax, I'm just kidding."
"Not funny." Inuyasha retorted. He glowered angrily into the distance. Kagome shrugged, getting back to her homework. After a few minutes, Inuyasha asked, "Where's the runt?"
"You mean Shippo?"
"Yes, what other runt would I be talking about?"
"You should stop calling him that. You're gonna give him a complex."
"He already has a complex! He thinks he can fly!"
"Well, he could, until you ruined it."
"You mean by scientific reasoning?"
"Oh shut up."
"You havne't answered my question."
"What question?"
"The one I just asked you."
"Well, repeat it, because I don't remember it."
"Obviously."
"Are you gonna ask the stupid question or not."
"Not if you're gonna get so crabby."
"I am not being crabby!"
"Yes you are."
"No I am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
"Are-"
"JUST ASK HER THE STUPID QUESTION!" Kagome and Inuyasha looked from their bickering to see Miroku glaring at them.
"Oh, so you finally stopped sucking fa-" before Inuyasha could finish his sentence, Miroku had gone back to what he had been doing previously. Sucking face with Sango.
Inuyasha turned towards Kagome. "Look, I just was wondering where the runt, I mean, where Shippo is."
Kagome nodded. "With Kisa."
Inuyasha raised an eyebrow. "Aren't things moving a little fast with this Kisa?"
"Would you prefer him to wait 3 years?" Kagome blurted out before she could stop herself. 3 years. That was exactly how long she had known Inuyasha. Kagome closed her eyes in embarrassment, hoping he hadn't noticed.
Unfortunately, the dimwit only noticed the things she didn't want him to notice. "What's that supposed to mean?"
Kagome opened her mouth to lie like a kid with his hand caught in a cookie jar, but her words never escaped her. She was interrupted by a high shriek and a flash of yellow whizzing by her and landing soundly into a tree about 20 feet away from her.
"Oh damn, not him again." Inuyasha muttered. Confused, Kagome took a tentative step towards the hole in the tree.
"Fred, is that you?" Sango's voiced asked. Inuyasha turned to Sango with an air of resentment in his voice. "You stop your revolting never ending tongue escapades for FRED!"
Sango ignored him, leapt off of Miroku's lap (who looked like he would kill this 'Fred' for interrupting his, "Tongue Exploration Session" with Sango) and strode over to the tree. "Fred, is that you?"
Kagome was starting to get annoyed, seeing all her friends knew who this Fred was except her. She marched toward Sango and Fred, but stopped dead in her tracks when she saw Fred pull his head out of the bark that had previously encased it like the earth encases Inuyasha's face when Kagome "sits" him.
She took one look at him, screamed "DEMON PIXIES!"
She turned around to run and very ungracefully smashed into a tree.
"Damn…" she muttered as she rubbed her nose. Her vision was a bit out of focus, so when she finally came to, everyone was staring at her.
"Wow! You hit that tree really hard." 'Fred' said. Kagome started backing up. "You stay away from me, you demon pixie!"
Fred raised an eyebrow. "You do realize that there is no such thing as a demon pixie, right? It would be physically impossible, judging by the extremities in size of a demon and a pixie. Do you really think I could properly satisfy a female demon in all her great glory with my willing to please yet lacking-"
"OK, we get it! Demons and pixies don't procreate!" Inuyasha interrupted.
Fred shrugged his shoulders. Sango looked down at him and asked, "What brings you back? You left so suddenly, right after Miroku and I…" she left the question hanging, everyone there being able to pick up where she'd left off.
"Oh, I had to go visit Naraku." Fred said calmly.
"NARAKU!" Inuyasha yelled. In an instant, he had Fred by the collar, face to face with him. "You know where Naraku is?" He growled fiercely.
Fred was not put out by this sudden terrifying invasion of personal space. "Jeez, even though your ears look like a cat's, and you climb in trees, you definitely have dog breath."
Inuyasha was about to pummel Fred into next Tuesday (which would've been terrible for Fred, since he had to spend his Tuesdays with Maury, his vegetable of an uncle) when Miroku stepped in, unclenched Inuyasha's fist from around Fred's collar, and set him down.
"How long have you been in contact with Naraku?" Miroku asked.
"Uh, the last few weeks."
"AND YOU DIDN'T TELL US!" Inuyasha roared.
"Well, it's not like you asked. Plus, I just met the majority of you." Fred replied.
"How do we know we can trust him?" Kagome asked suspiciously. "He was a part of the attempted murder on my life to kill me!"
snicker, snicker
"It is NOT funny!"
"What do you mean, attempted murder on your life to kill you? Isn't that a bit redundant?"
"Shut up. You know very well what I mean. You and your pixie friends jumped me and tried to kill me!"
Fred's eyes grew as big as saucers at this revelation. "Really? How did we do?"
"Obviously not good enough if I'm still standing here!" Kagome shrieked.
Fred looked disappointed. "Darn it. We really are terrible fighters."
Kagome shook her head. "What the hell do you want?"
"Are you on some sort of hell-bent kick as well?"
"What?"
"Well, your twin, Kikyo, wouldn't stop talking about hell, and how she wanted to take him (points at Inuyasha) there. Told her she was whackers."
"Kikyo's around here?" Inuyasha asked anxiously.
"Can we PLEASE stay focused?" Miroku said, getting annoyed. "Fred, you got some explaining to do!"
"Aw Ricky, can't I be in the show?" Fred whined.
Miroku: Oo? "Huh?"
"Sorry, that just sounded like the right thing to say."
"Whatever. First of all, are you working with Naraku?"
"Yes."
"Then why should we trust you?"
"Because he's coming to kill you all. He should be here very shortly." Fred replied calmly.
"WHAT!"
"Yeah, his spies have told him that you've all become pretty lackadaisical, a word which here means apathetic, laid-back, and or careless, and now would be the perfect time to get rid of you. So, I thought you'd all want to know. But if you're gonna be distrustful of me, then I might as well go home."
"Why did you try to kill me?" Kagome asked.
"I didn't. I wasn't even there. I went to bring you some black roses, but ran into Kikyo on my way. She's very unpleasant, by the way."
"Ok, so why did your pixie-brethren try to off her?" Sango asked.
"Naraku thinks Inuyasha won't be able to fight properly if she's gone."
"That does make sense." Miroku mused.
"What is that supposed to mean!" Inuyasha indignantly asked.
"Just what it sounds like." Sango chirped. "When Kagome is here, you fight wonderfully. Even I wouldn't stand a chance. But heaven forbid you two have an argument and she goes home… talking to you is like talking to a tree stump, only less stimulating. And you can't even call what you do fighting, so much as moving your sword in an ambiguous manner."
"Hey! That is not true! I function just as well when Kagome isn't here as when she is." Inuyasha huffed.
"No, you don't." a dismembered voice from the trees chimed in. All heads turned upwards to see Shippo grinning down at them.
"Aren't you supposed to be with Kisa?" Kagome asked.
"No, she had to go and help her mother. We've made arrangements to rendezvous at a later time." He said with a sly grin.
"Aww…" Sango and Kagome sighed at the same time. "That is so romantic!"
Inuyasha looked sickened. "I think we have more things to worry about other than Shippo's love life."
"True. I was listening. What are we going to do?" Shippo agreed.
"Well, this is what we've been waiting for, right?" Sango laughed nervously.
"He's bringing an army." Fred said. "You will all be outnumbered, 1 to 30 at least."
"Who cares?" Inuyasha said. "We'll just have to show Naraku what we're made of. We've come too far to back down now. We are too strong! We have too much heart! It doesn't matter that we're the underdogs. We've always been the underdogs. That's not going to stop us from kicking Naraku's-"
"Hahaha!" Fred's peals of laughter interrupted Inuyasha's motivational speech.
"What the hell is so funny, you annoying little-"
"You said 'underdogs'! It was a pun, since you really ARE a dog! And you DON'T wear UNDERwear! Hahaha!"
"I DO TOO WEAR UNDERWEAR!" Inuyasha roared.
"ENOUGH!" a loud voice rung out. Everyone turned in shock towards the owner of the voice.
"We can't lose it here. Like Inuyasha said, we've come too far to back down." Kagome said. Having everyone's attention, her mouth took over. Suddenly, much like what had happened with Miroku and Inuyasha, the sun was turned off and a spotlight shown on Kagome's form.
This is what we feared
The girl face is a psycho
The only thing he feels at all is greed
Another spotlight shown on Sango. A bit surprised at first, she got a hold of herself, and with her momentum building she sung out,
Beneath that milky hide
There's emptiness inside!
Fred smiled in the dark. He loved it when everyone randomly burst out into song. He snapped his fingers, and another spotlight was placed on him. Puffing his chest out and using an extremely deep voice no one had ever heard him use (Think James Earl Jones deep- Darth Vader from Star Wars, for those of you who don't know)
I wonder if he even bleeds
Miroku, Kagome, Fred, Sango, and Shippo all looked at each other and nodded, ignoring Inuyasha's bewildered look. The entire forest was still dimmed, but bright lights showered the five.
They're savages! Savages!
Barely even human
Savages! Savages!
Inuyasha stared in horror. It was happening again. Only this time, Kagome was involved, which made it seem a little less horrible. But, the jumping like proud gazelles in the Serengeti at each harsh proclamation of "savages" was a little unnerving. What was seriously unnerving was seeing Miroku stand in the middle of the dancing group. Because Inuyasha had had very bad experiences with situations like that. So, one can see why when Miroku opened him mouth, Inuyasha ducked for cover.
Killers at the core!They're different from us
Which means they can't be trusted
Shippo:
We must sound the drums of war
Inuyasha:
What drums?
Miroku, Kagome, Fred, Sango, and Shippo:
They're savages! Savages!
Inuyasha suddenly plucked Fred out of the quintet. In a loud voice he said (but actually ended up singing,)
First we deal with this one!
He looked Fred in the eye. "Before anything else happens, we need to know: Are you with us?" Fred stared Inuyasha back in the eye, determination settling on his face. He nodded and said, "Until the very end." Satisfied, Inuyasha put him down, and walked to the center of his group, and yelled out (which again, ended up singing,)
Now we sound the drums of war!
Back to Naraku and the pixies
Naraku was marching ahead of a large army through the forest. He didn't only have pixies. No, he had goblins, and trolls, demons, and even the boogeyman. He took the saying "The Calvary is here" to a whole new meaning
Monsters:
Half-breed mutt! Half-breed mutt!
One particular nasty looking hobgoblin:
Let's go kill a few, men!
Back to Inuyasha and the group
Kirara:
Meow, meow, meow! Meow, meow, meow! (translation: Savages! Savages!)
Back to Naraku again
Naraku:
Now it's up to you, men!
Yerwam:
And women too, you chauvinistic bastard!
Suddenly, Naraku stepped into a clearing, where Inuyasha and his group were waiting. Inuyasha had Tetsuaiga held out, Sango's boomerang was positioned over her head, Miroku's hand was dangerously close to the prayer beads that kept his Wind Tunnel in check, Shippo had his tops of doom spinning, growing larger with each turn, and Kagome had her arrow pointed at Naraku. Inuyasha sneered. "You're cocky. Thinking YOU will be enough to take us down. Where's your army?"
Naraku grinned his maniacal grin. "Right here." With a flourish of his hand, his army stepped out from behind the trees and brush.
The demons hissed and growled, the trolls pounded their giant clubs, and the goblins scratched their long fingernails down the sides of trees. And for reasons beyond anyone's knowledge, everyone in the clearing broke out into song, all singing the same tune, but with different versions.
Half-breed mutt! Savages!
Barely even human! Barely even demon!
Now we sound the drums of war!
Kagome had just closed her mouth, after hitting a very nice soprano note. Maybe she wasn't that bad after all. She looked ahead, just in time to see Naraku turn his head around and yell "CHARGE!" She let her arrow fly, and was stringing another one when she saw a familiar gaudy cloud of violence emerge from behind Naraku. Greens, purples, pinks, and oranges, along with countless other colors. She screamed out, "DEMON PIXIES!"
… and then fainted.
A few hours later…
"Kagome? Kagome, wake up!"
"Ngh…" Kagome muttered groggily. She opened her eyes to meet a pair of round brown ones.
"Kagome, are you ok?" Sango asked. "You almost hit the dirt really hard, but Inuyasha caught you just in time."
"Inuyasha…?... what a mean joke for a mother to play…" Kagome thought. "Why does that name sound so familiar?" She tried to piece things together.
Let's see here… yellow man, feudal era, large boomerang, perverted monk, fox, warm body, gold eyes, warm body, silver hair, sexy abs, warm body, great bu-"
But wait! Warm body? Kagome gently lifted her hand and pressed it to the soft material she found herself leaning on. She liked the feeling of the hard but gentle… whatever underneath the red…whatever she was leaning on.
"Ooh…I like this…" Kagome mumbled as she caressed whatever it was she was caressing.
"Uh…Kagome?" the voice asked.
Kagome let her eyes move toward the owner of the voice. Brown eyes, kind face, large boomerang.
"Oh, you're Sango!" she said intelligently as she continued massaging moving the red whatever aside so she could feel what it was underneath.
"Yes, good girl." Sango said slowly. "Are you OK?"
Suddenly, everything started coming back to Kagome. Inuyasha wasn't an unfortunate name. It was the name of the love of her life! The large boomerang belonged to her best friend, Sango. The perverted monk…well, was a perverted monk. But that was besides the point. The meat of the matter was she had fainted! Her face turned red. "Oh my God! I passed out! In front of Inuyasha too! In the middle of a battle! I am so embarrassed! Oh no, Sango! What am I going to do!"
"Well, for starters, you might want to stop stroking his chest." Sango replied.
Kagome froze and her heart skipped about 10 beats. She very slowly looked down at the red material and realized it was, in fact, Inuyasha's haori. And her hand was resting under it! She'd even gotten it underneath the white shirt he wore underneath that! Her hand had come to find its home directly on Inuyasha's chest, and she had been rubbing it like a kitten. Her eyes traveled up, from the chest, to meet the gold eyes, surrounded by bright red flesh.
"Uh, hello Kagome."
"AAAAHHHHH!"
So, that's all for chapter 11. The song is "Savages" from Pocahontas. It is so much fun when they say "Savages!" You should watch it. But before that, you should review. Because remember, that's all I want for my 18th birthday. A lottery ticket, and a review from you. Happy holidays!