A/N: song fic. The song Emotionless by Good Charlotte (haha, I know.) it pretty much sucks, but whatever.
Hey dad
I'm
writing to you
not to tell you, that I still hate you
just to
ask you
how you feel
and how we fell apart
how this fell
apart
I miss him. There are days when I hate him and want nothing more then to just erase him from my memory. But I can't. He's my dad no matter what. I guess everyone has at least one fucked up thing in their life, but why does it have to be him.
it's been a long
hard road without you by my side
why weren't you there all the
nights that we cried
you broke my mother's heart
you broke
your children for life
it's not ok,
but we're all right
I
remember the days, you were a hero in my eyes
but those were just
a long lost memory of mine
I spent so many years learning how to
survive
Now, I'm writing just to let you know that I'm still
alive
The more I think about it, I realize he was never there for me. I hate hiding behind the "he stormed the beach at Normandy" story. But it isn't fair. It's not fair that he almost killed me, and I don't have it in me to hate him. I guess I just want a father. I want to be able to have a dad that will always be there for me, or even just to talk to me. I hate admitting it, but I can't deny it anymore. He's crazy. I'm going to be just as crazy when I'm older, and that scares the shit out of me. Whenever I think of him, I feel like I have to defend him, to make him seem normal.
But the pain he caused my mother and me can't be forgiven. He'll never know about how I wake up everyday wishing I was dead. Or how it hurts to smile. Just living day to day either in complete apathy or complete sadness. And I'm not really sure which feels worse.
And sometimes
I
forgive
and this time
I'll admit, that I miss you, miss
you
hey dad
But no matter what, he's my dad. And I'll defend him everyday of my life. The feeling of resentment and hate will always be there, and so will the pain, but in the end, I can't not love him.