Starting Over: The Truth

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

Walking into The Palace I scan the dining room for him. Pulling up my sleeve and checking my watch I see that I'm 10 minutes late. He should already be here.

"Looking for me?"

Turning around surprised he's standing behind me with an amused look on his face. "Hey John"

He smiles and raises his arm "After you…" he says pointing toward the dinning room.
I swallow my nervousness and walk ahead of him hoping I don't trip over myself. I don't know why he has me reacting this way. I figure it's mainly due to what he said on the phone. He wanted to give me answers. I could handle him making a play for me, because my heart and commitments lie with Phil. But I never anticipated answers.

The hostess directs us to our table and John steps ahead of me pulling out my chair. Undoing my suit jacket I sit down and exhale. I can do this. No matter what he says tonight I can do this.

"You look lovely as always Evangeline."
"Thank you John" I say flattered. I didn't have time to change so the suit I wore in court today was my evening attire.

The waitress comes over and John does our drink orders. He smiles at me and picks up the menu. Doing the same thing I peek over my menu at him curious as to what he has to say. Curious if he's as nervous as I am. He isn't. He takes his time without breaking a sweat. I frown at his cool demeanor. Looking back at my menu I scan it telling myself to relax.

"I think you should order the sol for old time sake."
I lower the menu confused. "What?"
"Remember the day I attached strings we were here and you ordered the sol"
"Strings?" I can't believe he brought that up. I told him I didn't want to stroll down memory lane. Is that what he had planned all along? Seeing my irritation he laughs lightly. "Relax Evangeline….its not like that. I want you to relax with me. I have no ulterior motive."

Before I can respond the waitress returns with our drinks and John proceeds to order the fish for me and a steak for himself. I hand the waitress my menu confused at his confidence. He's wearing a navy suit and white shirt. His hair is groomed and shorter than I remembered him wearing it combed away from his face. He looks at me with his clear blue eyes and they show no shadows or self doubt. I was right he had changed.

Picking up my drink I gulp it down. He laughs again. "Nervous?"
"No of course not….just thirsty."
He smiles and drinks his whiskey. Lowering his glass he stares at me again and I don't know what to say. Is he waiting on me to say something?

"I want to start by telling you where I've been" he said staring me in the eye.
"New Jersey right?"
"Have you ever heard of Claremont in Newburgh?" he asked
"No.."
"It's a mental institution."

"A what!" Now I wish I hadn't gulped down my drink. The floor just fell out from under me. I look at him in complete and utter shock and he smiles sweetly at me.

"Are you okay?" Is all I can muster and that in itself makes me sound like an ass.

He nods lightly staring me in the eye. "I am now."
"Why John?"
Now he laughs the deep smoky laugh of his and its infectious "Do you really have to ask?"

I can't believe he's making so light of it. A mental ward was a definite no-no for him. He couldn't have done this on his own. My god what happened to him. He sees the alarm on my face and stops his kidding. Reaching across the table he touches my hand lightly. "I'm fine Van, I checked myself in. It was voluntary."

"It was?"
"After Christian was released and the truth was exposed I was exposed. I had lost you and the respect of my peers. I had to face my own demons. Going back home I tried hard Van to do it on my own. But it wasn't long before I knew that I needed professional help. My mom got me the help I needed."

"John that was almost two years ago…." I say in disbelief.
"I know and I was there the entire time."
"My god" I say rubbing his hand. It's all so remarkable. No wonder he's different.
"I had two nervous breakdowns and went through a serious depression, but I emerged alive and renewed."
"Nervous Breakdowns?"
"Do we have an echo?" he says laughing again.

I laugh too and try to close my mouth that keeps falling open. "Sorry but this is all so unbelievable. This is why you wanted to see me? To tell me why you left and what happened to you?"

He pulls his hand away and his smile fades. "No, I wanted to give you answers. I wanted to have the conversation with you that I should have had when I brought you here that day and attached strings."

I look into his eyes and I'm trapped by the poetic way he's speaking to me. It's more honest and direct than he's ever been. This is more than I expected and to be honest I'm not sure I can handle it.

The waitress appears with our food and I look at the fish on my plate. My stomach churns and I have no appetite. He sees my hesitation and tells the waitress to bring me another martini. Looking up at him I see that he's trying to get me into my comfort zone with him. I'm grateful for that. I don't think I'm in love with him but I know I love him. I want to hear that he's happy and whole. I want to hear his story.

Cutting into his steak he asks me about my job and I sigh that we can change the subject for a moment. The anticipating of his true confessions has me on the edge of my seat. Telling him about my case load he tells me that I was born to be a defense attorney. He always kidded me about my profession.

"What's this thing you have with lawyers John?" I laugh eating my fish.
"Hey I love lawyers…they make the best bedfellows." he says winking

I almost choke on my fish and we both can't stop laughing. Drinking my now third martini I'm much more relaxed. He pushes his plate away from him and looks me into my eyes.

"When I was nine years old Evangeline I saw my father murdered."

My hand freezes and I stare at him shocked. Dropping my fork I'm speechless.
He smiles softly and sits back in his chair. "I shadowed my dad a lot. Our neighborhood was pretty close and I knew most of his rounds. Following him one day I watched from the roof while he did a raid on a neighboring building I'd seen him do it several times. It all appeared to be routine. I saw my dad load them all up in the patty wagon and him and his buddies give each other celebratory hugs. It was just another day in catching the bad guys."

Listening to him his voice pierces my heart. He never drops his stare and I can see the pain in his eyes from recalling his dad's death. But I saw strength in him that I didn't know. Something solid and peaceful making him determined to deal with death and grief with some perspective. It's really endearing.

"When the patty wagon pulled away I made my way off the roof. I planned to bring it on home and slip away unseen like I always did. Coming out the back on the building I hear my dad's voice and I stopped confused. I thought he was gone….."


"O'Reilly, I think he's gone around the back of the building. Cover me!" Officer McBain hollered over his shoulder running in the direction the perp went hoping his partner heard him.

John ducks behind the garbage cans as he hears the sound of feet running his way.

"Stop or I'll shoot!" Officer McBain screams.

The man stops right beside the garbage can and John tries to disappear in his hiding space. If his dad found him he would be in big trouble. Scooting further back the man holding his hands up looks at him and John's heart stops. The man smirks at him.

"Do you hear me! Toss me your gun!" Officer McBain shouts with both hands on his gun advancing down the alley toward his perp. But the man in one swoop grabs John's foot and drags him into view.

John screams and his dad stops lowering his gun confused by the change in events. The entire scene unfolds within minutes. The man pulls John up and raises his gun. John crying looks at his father whose face is contorted in pain and shock.

"Drop your fucking gun cop or I will kill this kid." then man growls with the gun to John's head.

Officer McBain drops his gun immediately "It's okay man, just let the kid go."
"Daddy I am so sorry" John says crying openly.
The man frowns looking at John then at the cop.
Officer McBain shakes his head "Johnny just be still son, it will be okay"

"Son?" the man laughs "You got to be fucking kidding me!"

Before Officer McBain can respond his partner runs into the alley. The man raises the gun and opens fire on them both. John screams seeing his dad's chest explode with gunfire as his partner behind him gets shot in the head. The man pushes John to the ground and turns and runs out of the alley.

John runs to his dad who's gurgling and choking on his blood screaming.

I look at him and shake my head in sorrow. "John I am so sorry."
"It's okay Van. I wanted you to know what haunted me. At nine I interrupted that horrible event to be my fault. If I wasn't in that alley my dad could be alive today."

Picking up my fourth martini I drink it down and fight the urge to rise up and take him in my arms.
"I think you should slow down on those." He says chuckling.
I lower my glass smiling. "I guess you're right. I can understand why that haunts you John, it's too much for a child to bare."

"It doesn't haunt me anymore. It saddens me deeply. I mourn him everyday. But the ghost and images of his death no longer keep me up at night."

I smile at him. "Good"

"I have more to say Van"

He looks at me and I try to straighten in my seat. My god why did I drink four martinis? "Okay" I say feeling numb and extremely guilty for the horrible things I thought over the years in regards to him and his demons. I knew that he had issues with his father's death, but if he'd told me this years ago it would have explained so much.

"What happened to the man that killed your father?" I ask
"He went on to kill several other police officers and escaped. My father's death remained unsolved."

He continues to stare at me and I know he has more to say. Looking into his eyes I brace myself for what's to come.

"I met Caitlyn and she was the first woman that I was able to really be myself with. She saw the pain in me and like you she demanded that I face it. I fought her Van every step of the way. I didn't want to let go of my guilt it connected me to my dad. It gave me a sense of purpose. It was why I joined the FBI."

"Did you share this with Caitlyn?"

"Like I said I fought it at first but eventually her love for me got through. She told me love was our protection and I began to live again. I loved her and told her constantly. When Haver came in our lives I never considered that her loving me would cost her hers. When she was shot to death in front of me I interpreted her death to be confirmation that the people I love I destroy and Van it destroyed my chance at a healthy life."

"I thought that may be the case. I figured that's why you were never able to give yourself to me" I said signaling the waitress. John watched me order another martini and raised and eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

To be honest I wasn't. I was emotionally drained from this conversation and it seemed like it was only the beginning. "I'm fine."

He smiled. "I spent years tracking down the monsters that rip and destroy lives to atone for the murders of my father and future bride. Then I arrived into town for that sting…."

I roll my eyes "And you met Natalie."
He smiles "Yep I meet Natalie."
"Well no need to go any further than that, when her husband died you figured it was once again your fault…."

"Evangeline…let me do this. I need to do it just as much for you as for me."

Feeling bad at my callous comment. I accept the drink from the waitress and sip it to silence myself.

"Well, you are right. Natalie was something tangible, a person that made me larger than life. She made me a hero. I could finally fix it, by helping her."

"Then why start anything with me. Why not just be with Natalie and ride off into the sunset!" I snap hating myself for saying it so abruptly, but the liquor makes my resistance low. Natalie was something I didn't want to get into. I didn't want to hear him tell of his undying loyalty to the woman he broke my heart over.

He sees my anger and rubs his jaw. I know when he does that he's choosing his words carefully and I roll my eyes at him again. "That's easy Van, I fell in love."

Blinking I spill my drink trying to put it on the table. He reaches immediately handing me his napkin. Embarrassed I wipe the table and at the small stain in my pants leg. He remains silent and I take longer with the wipe up to avoid his eyes.

"Did you hear me?"
"John let's not do this…"
"Let me finish please"

I look back into his eyes. "What the hell does that mean you fell in love! You never fell in love! I was there remember!" I hiss and now I don't give a shit. It's not the liquor it's me. He doesn't have the right to rip at my heart again. Even though it doesn't matter to me. I mean I love Phil so I don't care. He can say whatever he wants I don't care.

Feeling my heart pounding in the chest I swallow the lie I'm feeding myself to avoid the truth sitting across the table from me.

He smiles sweetly at my tirade "You scared the shit out of me Van. Do you know that?"
Now I'm stunned again into silence "What?" I stammer.

"Never met a woman like you, confident, self sufficient, sexy, honest, sweet, caring, a seductress like no other…its hard being in the same room with you and not fall under your spell. You scared the shit out me."

"Whatever"
"I used Natalie and I'm not proud of it. She was my excuse to stay locked in my own self hate. The more you loved me the more I felt I didn't deserve it. The more I believed my own lies. I welcomed her little sabotage attempts and lead her on, not understanding how I was self destructing."

"I knew it!" I snap again hitting my hand on the table. "You bastard! So you purposefully trampled my heart to have her!" My head is spinning the martini's are making me paranoid and I hear myself but I don't understand myself.

He shakes his head. "No baby….I did it drive you away. I knew you would tire of it and I wanted you to leave me because I was too blind to see how much we belonged together."

"Whatever…" I say grabbing the martini glass that has still half of my drink inside before the spill earlier. Drinking it I feel myself go numb even more. He's tearing at the scabs on my heart.

He reaches across the table and takes my drink from me. "Listen to me. When you were kidnapped it almost killed me. I made a deal with god that I would let you go if he let you live. But that deal ate away at me Van seeing you walk around town thinking I saved you last on purpose and not being able to tell you my heart was like a cancer. I was a dying a man baby. When we found Natalie I ran to her to hide. With her I was numb to it all and I didn't have to face you. But it didn't work. I thought about you constantly. When she touched me I wished it was you. I would lie in bed every night and dream of times past. The things we did and shared…."

"Enough! I don't want to hear anymore!" I say grabbing my purse.
"I'm not finished!"
"Yes you are!" I shout so loud several tables look at us. My head is fuzzy from the drinks but dammit I know I can't do this anymore. I'm going home to my man to something real.

"John, I am glad you are better. I'm glad that you've healed what kept you in pain for so long but I will not rehash that with you. I accept your apology or whatever you are trying to accomplish here now I'm leaving…." I slur standing up and weaving.

He gets up and comes over to me. I feel his arm slip around my waist and I burst into tears. The liquor has a hold on me and I can't control it. "Let me go!" I say crying.

"Let me see you home…"

"NO!" I say pushing at him and falling to the left trying to escape. He grabs me before I make a complete ass of myself and I can't stop crying. "You bastard you have no right!" I stutter my nose running from my cries.

He holds me close as the room starts to spin. I feel him moving but my feet seem to drag and I can't stop crying. Why am I crying? I mean I don't care what he says, it makes no difference. This is all ancient history. Phil is my future. My head feels really heavy and I have a hard time lifting it. I hear a ding and I think we're in a elevator. "Noooo…" I moan but my tongue is thick in my mouth and when I try to speak my words breakup incoherently.

My head is spinning and I shake it. I only had 5 martinis or maybe 6 martinis, whatever the case I can handle myself. He pushes me on the door and I focus my eyes on him using some kind of card to open it. The door opens and we enter a cool dark room. I feel my feet leave the ground and I know he is carrying me I smile at being in his arms again…oh it feels so good. Raising my arms I grab his neck and pull him to me and his tongue comes in quickly…..mmmmmmm….he tastes like I remember, but he snatches away saying something. I laugh and my eyes grow heavy. He's back my baby is back.

"I love you…." I moan turning over. "I love you John…."

The next morning

Jesus my head hurts! Opening my eyes I feel like someone has hit me over the head with a sledgehammer. Everything's blurry. Slowly rising I see that I'm fully dressed and my hair is wild over my head. Smacking my lips I taste vodka in my mouth and want to vomit. Looking across the room I see John sitting in a chair watching me and he's dressed in the same clothes from yesterday. "What happened?"

"You had too much to drink"
I move my hand through my hair and trying to recall last night. We were talking and then and then…. I can't remember. I look down at my clothes and see that they haven't been removed. I'm still wearing my shoes. He smiles. "I didn't touch you. Didn't trust myself to undress you so I stayed away." He said chuckling.

"Oh god John did I stay the night?" I say raising the sleeve to my suit jacket and checking my watch. It's 7 am.

"Yeah you did."

I immediately think of Phil, he's going to be so hurt. Throwing my feet over the edge of the bed I feel a sharp pain cut through my head like a knife. Gagging I jump up and run to the bathroom and vomit. When I am done I flush the toilet and rinse my mouth. Coming back into the room I see John staring at me. "I'm so embarrassed. Did anything happen?" I ask afraid of his answer.

"No baby nothing happened. You blacked out before we even got into the room."

I smile relieved. Going to the dresser in his room I get my purse. "I am so sorry for last night. I shouldn't have drank like that. I appreciate you sharing with me John. I do." I turn to leave hoping he lets me.

"Evangeline"

Stopping I close my eyes not turning around to face to him. "Yes"

"The final thing I tried to say last night is that I love you and am in love with you just as much today as I was the day I left. But you are with someone else and I get that. I just wanted you to know."

My stomach flips and I don't know if it's the liquor or the confession. "I hope we can be friends…" I say sounding lame but I don't know what else to say.

I hear him laugh behind me and it makes me angry. I turn around. "I love Phil. Friendship is all you will ever have with me. My heart belongs to him now."

He fixes his blue eyes on and the sexy smirk on his face makes me melt. "Okay baby…Friendship is fine with me."

I try to seem confident. "Well see you around…" I say and turn fleeing his room. Closing his door I fall back against it and start to breathe again. Help me god. I open my purse and see I have 15 missed calls from Phil. "Oh god…Phil" throwing the phone in my purse I run to the elevator.