Starting Over: Therapy

by tarskeewee08

2 Days Later

(Evangeline's POV)

"Okay Ms. Thang we need to talk!" Layla snapped slamming my office door. I look at her angrily. "Have you lost your mind storming into here like that! This is my place of business."

Layla glares at me with her arms folded "When were you planning to tell me that John was in town?"

I look at her and my watch. I need to be out of here in the next hour to make our first session. I spoke to him yesterday briefly and he gave me the name of doctor and the time. He didn't say much else and I was kind of disappointed.

It took some extreme effort in makeup sessions with my man to get him past these sessions and now I got my sister in here acting like I owe her some explanation.

"Layla sweetie that's not your business!"
"Really? Who was there when he trashed your heart for that redheaded troll!" she hissed genuinely hurt that Antonio was the one to deliver the news to her.

Shaking my head I push away from my desk. "Okay, maybe I should have told you he was back. But it really has nothing to do with me. The man had a life here before us, you know." I say walking around my desk and coming to face her. I leaned against the front of my desk with my hands placed on either side of me and my legs crossed.

"What does Phil think about this!"

"Phil is a wonderful caring man. He isn't threatened by John in the least."

Layla stares at me for a long time trying to make sure I am on the up and up with her. Finally relaxing she drops her arms. "Van, I just don't want you hurt again. You loved him so much and he walked away from you like you didn't matter. Please don't give into him."

I was shocked. I had no idea my painful relationship with John had this effect on my sister. She was scared for me. Rising from the desk I went to her and hugged her. "Layla, sweetie, I'm okay really. John and I are friends but there's nothing romantic between us. Neither of us wants that."

"I don't trust him" she said hugging me "Antonio said he was different. Something is up Van I can feel it."

Letting her go I move her hair from her face. "Well I can tell you with absolute certainty that I'm happy now and in love with Phil. No matter what is going on with John that will not change."

She smiled at me "Good. Because girl I was so close to calling momma on you!"

I burst into laughter and so does she. Looking at my watch I realize I need to be going. "I have an appointment Lay, how about we do lunch at the club Saturday. Maybe we can get Nora to join us." I say going back to my desk and clearing away my paperwork.

Layla grinned. "That would be great!"
Layla turns to leave and stops at the door. "Van, I like Phil."
Looking up from my desk again I smile "Okay…"
"He respects you and loves ONLY you…don't forget that." she said winking and walking out.

I watch as the door close and sigh. "I will try to remember that honey." I say under my breath. "I will definitely try…."

St. Anne's

Walking down the corridor I see a nun coming down the hall smiling at me. "Excuse me sister but I am looking for Sister Marie Clancy office."

The nun smiles holding her rosary. "Please follow me…"

We walk down the pale pink hallway the silence in this place makes me nervous. It was like a tomb in here. Knowing that unstable people were in closed doors around me made me a little paranoid. I fought the urge to turn and leave continuing onward.

Stopping at two gray doors the sister bowed and pointed. I thank her and pushed inside. The psychologist sat behind the desk and John sat in a chair waiting patiently they both looked at me and smiled when I entered. "I hope I'm not too late." I say embarrassed.

John stands and shakes his head "No, I just got in please come in and sit down."
The sister looks at us and smiles and nods.
Walking in my heels clicking on the linoleum floor I go to the chair and sit down placing my purse next to me.

John sits down staring at me smiling. I swallow hard and try to act less nervous. The sister closes her folder. "Evangeline, my name is Sister Marie Clancy but you can call me Sister Clancy."

I nod. "Nice to meet you Sister Clancy"

"What did John tell you about our sessions?"

"Nothing really" I say looking at him. "He said he needed a safety and that this was necessary to his recovery."

She nodded. "Yes, can you explain what your interpretation of a safety is?"
"I guess someone to comfort you when things get out of hand."
The sister looked at John and smiled "Well it could be that but for John's sessions it won't."

I frown at her "I beg your pardon?"
"Saftey for John is bringing in the person he feels most affected and involved in his issues. He wants to hash out his feelings and deal with his insecurities and fears with that party and have them contribute honestly giving feedback that keeps his sessions in perspective."

I look at John shocked "You have issues with me?" I say pointing at myself.

John smiles sweetly. "Not issues baby, feelings….unresolved feelings that I need your help sorting out."

Now I can't hide my surprise. I thought I was a support system. This sounds like joint therapy for us. "I don't know if I can do this" I say looking at the sister. I can't look at John. I know he has disappointment on his face.

The sister nods "It is demanding and emotionally draining. I want you to be fully aware of how this therapy will impact you. How it will affect the dynamics of your relationship with John."

I frown. "I'm not in a relationship with John. I love Phil."

This sister raises her eyebrows "No Evangeline, when I say relationship I don't mean it in that context. It's my understanding that you two are friends now. That's the relationship I was referencing."

I blush and look at John who doesn't seemed fazed by my outburst "Oh, yes of course"
The sister looks at me for a long moment. "Would you like some time to think on this? We can start this process another day if you like. I just wanted you fully aware of what our sessions would be like."

I chewed on my bottom lip and sucked in my breath. I didn't want to run away from this but god what was I thinking? I look at him and I see his need for support making me soften. Why didn't he tell me that I was apart of his issues. I thought his dad and Caitlyn were. Hell even Natalie but me?

"I want to help him sister. I think this may in turn help me…when our relationship ended it took a serious toll on me emotionally. Maybe we can both move on."

John gave me a knowing smile and we communicated in the way we used too. I knew that his intent was to move on and not the way that I suggested. I dropped my gaze ignoring it.

"Very Well…we can start" she said opening his file. "Today I thought it would be good John for you to tell me who and what Evangeline was to you when you first met."

John rubbed her hands together. I looked at him and he seemed anxious to have this process underway. I found that curious. The John I knew years ago would never want to be exposed like this. But now he was a different man.

"When I met her, I was struck by her beauty and differences from me."

I look at him and frown. "Differences?"

The nun raises her hand. "We allow each other time to talk before interrupting Evangeline" she said sweetly.

"Sorry…"

"Well not the time we met in the park but when you came to my cell on the Haver case, when Natalie hired you as my lawyer. You talked about my case and all I could do was take you in. You were so different than any woman I'd met. Not just the color of your skin but the confidence in your spirit. See I was hiding the fact that I had no confidence in myself. To see the strength in you it made me…I don't know it made me want to know more."

I look at him shocked to hear him say that he admired me back then.

"Okay Evangeline what did you think of John in that meeting."

Dropping my eyes off him I looked at the floor, trying to recall that meeting and my feelings. "I found him attractive but I didn't think anything of him. I mean he was a client and I was there to do a job. I spoke of his case and left…."

The nun nodded. "John…"

"I never thought we would go as far as we did. The woman of my dreams was nothing like Evangeline and the woman that I was currently bonding with was even further from her. These two ladies were strong in some sense but worshiped me in another. Evangeline was a woman that didn't worship a man. My impression of her was that I would have to be my own man to draw her in."

I listen and feel a sense of understanding that I didn't have before between us. John looks at me and his eyes are sincere and full of pain. "Evangeline, I wanted to know you, because to know you meant that I would be more than I was. It would make me face myself. Something I refused to do."

"When did you too meet again? In a more relaxed setting?" the sister asked.
I broke our stare and looked at the sister "I ran into him at the Palace. He had gotten an award and I offered to buy him a drink."

John laughed. "It was that meeting that sealed my fate."
I smiled "It changed me too..."

"How so…" the sister asked.

I looked over at John and blushed "I was involved with someone but I engaged in some harmless flirting with him. Before long I kissed him on a dare."

"Her kiss was sweet and soft, contrary to the cool hard demeanor she exuded around Llanview. I knew that it was more to her than strength. I knew she had more to offer."

"You thought I was cool and hard?" I ask hurt

He smiled "Not in a bad way but yes. I saw nothing spontaneous or carefree about you. From your handling of my case to the way you bought my drinks I saw you as the one that always had to be in control. But after our kiss I saw that you lost some of that control. I saw it on your face."

I don't know what to say. I look at the nun who watches us in silence. She sits up. "The reason Evangeline I wanted to initiate dialogue between you two on what your perceptions were initially because It gives me a glimpse into why John fought his battles with you and no one else."

"He didn't fight his battles with me…he ran from me!" I say bitterly
"Evangeline, I did you have no idea." he said
"Really? Is that why you encouraged Natalie and kept her in our relationship?"

The sister threw her hand up "No…we won't discuss Natalie or the breakdown of your relationship today. I want to cover it all in stages. Evangeline is John's perception of your meeting and first kiss accurate. You can't speak on his feelings but after hearing him express them would you think they were honest?"

I look at him and nod "Yes, I didn't know that he saw me as strong and aloof and the kiss gave him a glimpse of tenderness. I didn't know he saw me at all and maybe that's why I took the dare and kissed him. To let him know that I am a woman with desires like anyone else. I know you said we won't cover all of it today, but he always paints me as the pillar of strength and I believe it gave him license to trample my heart. He believed oh well she can take it!"

John sat back in his chair and his face turned red. I know my words hurt him but they were the truth. The sister nodded. "He admitted as much. But you will find Evangeline in these sessions that there are many layers to a persons life and love. Layers that we hide behind to keep ourselves from being vulnerable. John has uncovered the layers of his father's death and Caitlyn's murder. But his relationship and failure at love with you is what pushed him over the edge."

"What?" I snap "That's not true. He never cared about me. He put everyone else first! I don't know what he told you but dammit I was there. I know what happened."

Looking at them both I frown at my outburst. "I'm sorry"
"Don't be "John said. "It's the reason you're here. I need your perspective too" he says touching my knee.

I look at his hand on my knee and my heartbeat quickens.

The nun sees my reaction and studies my face "What does his touching you do to you? Does it make you uncomfortable" she asked

John pulled his hand away quickly. "I'm sorry"
I shift in my seat "It does nothing…" I say weakly
The nun nods. "Okay…I think that will be enough for today."

I look at her shocked. It was already an hour and it felt like 15 minutes. There was so much more we needed to say. John stood up and shook the sister's hand and I grabbed my purse standing. "Thank you sister" I say

She smiles. "We did good today. You both may not know it but it's the beginning of reaching something important here. Something John you need to face and take as your own so you can be whole again."

He smiled "I understand sister"
She looks at him. "Any visions or night tremors?" she asked concern.
"No."

I look at him shocked "Visions?"

He squeezes my hand. "I will explain that to you later."
I nod and thank the sister following him out. Once we are in the corridor we walk down the hallway in an uncomfortable silence. Coming to the elevator I feel his eyes on me. "Got time for a Latte at Starbucks? I have some things I want to share with you."

I smile. "There's a Starbucks up on Clancy Street less than a mile from here. We can meet there."

The elevator opens and we step inside. "Thanks for coming Van."
"No problem John I said I wanted to help and I meant it." I say smiling.

He smiled too and we fell back into silence. I thought about what he said he initially found me as strong and cold. He told me I was strong over and over but to hear it in the way he framed it made me feel weird. I guess the sister is right perceptions are key. This man never really knew how much I needed to be protected too. Stepping off the elevator I smile at him and walk out the building. I'm less confident that I can handle these sessions. That I can keep our past in perspective and not want him as part of my future.

Starbucks

I take a seat at the table with him holding my caramel frappachino. He sits down with his black coffee and smiles at me. I sip at my drink and wonder what his visions are about and these night terrors.

"You remember in Mary's Basement when I told you that my father and Caitlyn haunted me?"
Sipping the steamy sweet liquid I nod and lower my cup. "Yes I remember."
"Well haunt wasn't quite the right word. Actually I had visions of them and conversations with them too."
I look at him curious "Conversations?"
"Yeah me and my dad mostly…just about my life and my choices. But toward the end with the Christian secret the visions became more intense and emotionally draining pushing me to face feelings of guilt and abandonment from him and Caitlyn."

"Okay…"
"My first nervous breakdown I couldn't separate reality from these visions and I had to be medicated."

I reach across the table and touch his hand. He looks at my hand and takes it into his. Raising it to his lips he slowly kisses it and I feel a tingle from the tips of my nails to my wrist. God help me I enjoy the sensation. He then takes my hand and rubs it against his face. "Your strength was so comforting Van, it protected me. God I miss that feeling."

I watch his eyes lower as her rubs my hand against his face. Turning it over her kisses the inside of my wrist and his soft gentle kiss makes me part my lips and breathe out a sigh of desire. Feeling my eyes lower themselves I fight the torturous fight within me and remove my hand. Looking at my watch I smile "I have to go John" I say grabbing my frappachino and rising. He looks at me disappointed. "You have to go back to him?" he asks.

I freeze and look at him. "Him? You mean Phil? Of course John you said you understood that I was in love with him."

He threw his hands up in the air. "Hey baby sorry….it was knee jerk reaction. Can't blame a fellow for being jealous. I know what it's like to be the recipient of your desires. I can't help but hate on Phil for having that pleasure."

I soften and smile "You are such a flirt McBain!" I say putting my purse on my shoulder.
He winks at me. "See you tomorrow at our session."
"Take care John" I say leaving before I change my mind. Walking out in the autumn air my hair blowing from my face, I unlock my Mercedes with my keyless remote and walk over to open my door. Looking up I see him watching me from the window and that old blue flame of desire is burning in his eyes. It sends shivers through my most intimate spots and I shake it off and get inside. I will go home to Phil and his love. It's where I belong.