Starting Over: Theapy Natalie

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

Looking at the ceiling I think about yesterday's session. It's all I thought about when I came home. Phil talked on and on about his problems with Dr. Truman and I smiled through the dinner but my thoughts constantly drifted back to him.

Phil stirred and threw his arm across me his hand landing on my breast as he snuggled closer snoring lightly in my ear.

I'd been up since 3 am and it was now 5. I just couldn't stop thinking of him and his confession of intimate issues with us. How I longed to hear those words from him. Now I've heard them, what do they mean? Closing my eyes I sigh loudly in frustration, it wakes Phil and he moans then massage my breast. I feel him move in to kiss my neck and I smile faintly saying a silent prayer hoping that he doesn't want to make love…not now.

But unfortunately god isn't listening.

His hand slides down my gown and pulls at it raising it above my hips as he kisses my neck as he moans. I feel my body stiffen and the image of John kissing the inside of my wrist flashes before my eyes.

Turning my head so Phil can't kiss me he rolls on top of me moving my legs apart. I immediately regret not wearing underwear under my gown as I feel him enter me dryly. His face is buried in my hair and I try to relax and give him what he needs, rubbing his back I sigh as he pushes further into me groaning in my ear. I bend my knees and arch my back but I can't relax to enjoy him. I hear John saying that each time he touched me it was an act of love and I want the man in my arms to be him. Shaking my head I fight the war raging in my heart. I promised Phil I could handle this. I promised that John had no access to my heart. I lied.

Phil pushes in and out of me and I rub his back going through the motions. This is the first time we've made love since John came back that I felt so utterly detached from him and its killing me. He kisses my face and I swear his kisses feel wet and sloppy. I keep my eyes closed and try to steady my breathing grateful he doesn't suspect anything. Feeling him quicken his pace I cling to him and moan softly giving him the impression that I am climaxing with him.

When he is done I'm happy for his release and feel a sense of relief as he pulls out of me and rolls over. He kisses my lips. "You're fantastic. I can never tire of making love to you."

I open my eyes and roll over to look in his face "I love you" I say weakly
He looks at me and frowns "What's wrong baby? Why are there tears in your eyes?"
I smile sweetly at my man. "I'm just so happy" I say lying.
He smiles and kisses my nose. "Me too Van, I really was worried that I could loose you when John came back. But I've never felt closer to you than now."

I touch his face. He's so sweet. He's so caring and he trusts me. "I don't deserve you Phil."

He frowns again and touches my face "Don't you ever say that! Of course we deserve each other!"

Closing my eyes I fight the urge to tell him the truth, the fact that part of me isn't here with him now. That I lay in bed all night and wondered what he was doing, longing to go to him and extinguish this burning need to give myself to him again.

"Van?"
Opening my eyes I look into his "Yes..."
"Don't do this baby….don't shut me out…something is wrong."
I see his support and I think he deserves the truth but I can't. I just can't. "I'm just worried about this case of mine that's all."
"You sure..?"
"Positive"
"You're so caring." He says kissing my nose then rolling over to get out of bed. I watch him walk into the bathroom naked and admire his athletic pecan brown skin as he leaves my side. Rubbing the sheet next to me where he just laid I relax a little and tell myself I will be alright. We will be alright.

St. Anne's

Coming off the elevator I see him enter Sister Clancy's office and I step forward trying to remain calm. I fought the idea of not coming back here but in the end I know it's the only hope I have of moving on. Now that John has opened these wounds I need to find a way to close them before I come apart at the seams.

Walking in they both look up at me and I smile faintly. Closing the door and going to my seat I see a look of relief and gratitude on his face and I know he wasn't sure I would come back.

"Hello" Sister Clancy says to me. I smile at her. "Hello sister"
She closes her file and looks at me. "What have you decided about this therapy?"
I look at her confused "I don't understand."
"The last session was particularly rough for you. Are you sure you want to participate."

I look at John and he is glaring at the sister for giving me the option to leave. I see how desperately he wants me to remain. "Yes I need this as well sister. I will see it through."

She nods and looks at John "John, today we need to talk about Natalie…"
Hearing the sister mention her my blood turns to ice water. I look at him and he has already turned a beet red. "I'm not ready…" he says weakly"
"I think you are." the sister says sternly

I don't understand his hesitation. He's so open about everything else. Why freeze on Natalie. Unless he doesn't want me to hear the truth, unless the truth is something that will drive us further away from each other, whatever it is I want to hear it. I need to hear it.

"Natalie started in guilt for reasons that Evangeline already knows. The death/kidnapping of her husband."

I nod understanding what he's saying but the sister is not letting him off easily.
"But there was more to Natalie than guilt wasn't it?'
He looks away from us both and my heart beat quickens. What is he keeping from me?

"When I was with Van, she was so independent. She didn't need me, not in the way a woman needed her man….or the woman I've had before needed their men…."

"What the hell does that mean!" I snap. And the sister looks at me sternly.

"Evangeline watch your tongue. Don't interrupt again." She says irritated at me using profanity.

"Sorry sister..." I say embarrassed and hurt.

John drops his head. "I was a selfish egotistical coward and I used Natalie and her ever ending crises to make me feel needed. I allowed her interruption into our relationship because it was the only time I saw you get fired up and possessive of me. I wanted the conflict because I felt like it proved that you loved me. That you would fight to hold onto me. That you needed me."

I can't believe what I'm hearing. Is he saying he was testing me? Testing my love for him? Was he so pathetic that he would want to purposefully make me jealous?

He looks at me with tears in my eyes "The game I played with your heart got away from me. Before long I was confused myself about Natalie. I cared for her and I wanted to protect her. She needed me and you didn't. I guess when you walked away I was angry and then you two were kidnapped. I couldn't deal with my guilt and anger over loosing you. I was mixed up and crazy with pain. I ran to her because she needed me and like you said I needed to be needed."

My heart is pounding in my chest and I can taste the bile rising in my throat. Swallowing I begin to sweat and shift in my seat. I can't get my head around what he's saying. Sister Clancy is looking at me curious. "Evangeline what are you feeling?"

I fight to find my voice turning to look at him sweat beading up on my nose and under my collar I freeze then speak. "Is that why you let me remain tied to a pole while you saved her first? To punish me for not being some needy, whiney, infantile, little girl clinging to you for validation of my existence?"

He shook his head. "I saved her first because she would have died if I didn't. You know that Van!"

"I do? Ha! You sit here and tell me that my relationship was plagued by that unscrupulous woman who taunted me and openly flirted with you and you allowed it to get a rise out of me? Then after I poured my heart out to you…you left me for her. How could you be that sick….how could you hurt me that bad!"

He has tears falling down his face "I was sick Van, that's the point. That's why you are here. That's why we are both here because I was sick. I struggled to be the man you wanted but I wasn't him."

"You're right John you weren't even close to the man that I deserved, and to think I was longing…." I stop myself surprised of what I was about to admit.

The sister raises an eyebrow "What were you longing to do?"
"Nothing"
"Van, tell me…what were you longing?"

I hate myself. I have a man that loves me, no games no conflict and here I sit wallowing in this mess again. And for what? To hear him whine about how broken he is? We all have tragedies and pain in our lives. But its how you deal with them is what builds character. That's what my daddy taught me. This man never dealt with anything. Instead he runs and hides and blames it on demons and secrets.

Then what do we women do when we meet this brother…white, black, yellow or brown we do the same damn thing. We make excuses for him. We coddle him and tell him we understand even if it means sacrificing our own happiness. We wait patiently for them to become their own men and hope that we are rewarded with the same type of love and patience in return.

Well I for one am sick of the broken man. The man that lost someone and doesn't know how to let go. The man that had his feelings hurt so he can't trust you not to do the same. The man that has an ego that if not stroked he'll run out and get it massaged from some brainless double D bra wearing bimbo with red hair and hard on for you guy.

What was I thinking "It doesn't matter what I was longing John because truth be told you could never give it to me" I snap.

He looks at me wounded and then turns to the sister "Why did you make me tell her! Why did we even bring Natalie up!"

Sister Clancy looked at John expressionless. "John your therapy is not to get Evangeline back. I have told you this over and over. Your therapy is too heal. I need you to be honest. In our intimacy session you were half honest the other part you were making pitches to her to win her trust. Well if you want her or any other person in your life to believe in you, we will need you to be honest."

I hear what sister Clancy is saying and nod. I needed to hear about Natalie. I needed to be told the truth. I needed to take off my rose colored John glasses and see the man for who he was demons and all. He avoids my eyes and looks across the room. I shake my head at the time wasted between us. I shake my head at the fact that I never really knew him.

Sister Clancy cleared her throat. "When did Natalie no longer fill those needs John?"

John looked over at me. "She never filled my needs. I touched her I thought of you. I kissed her I pretended you were in my arms. I never loved her and when I had her I wanted her gone. I was so happy when you took on Chris case, deep inside I was happy. I had a way out. But by then my deeds had driven you so far away that I had no hope of winning you back. To be honest Van that's how it should be. I didn't deserve you after what I did."

I hear his words I'm grateful for the honesty. He's freeing me from this stranglehold on my heart. I smile at him. "I appreciate your honesty John."

He smiles at me. "I have something else to say…"
I look at him curious "Okay"

"I love you still and I'm in love with you. I told you this in the hotel room and I am telling you now. It's not a clean clear love like Phil. It's a painful and full of old hurts and unspoken things, but it's also passionate and deeply binding for us both. I know what you learned today makes you want to escape me, but please remember that there is so much more to what we share."

I break his gaze and look at the nun. "Can I ask you a question?"
She smiles sweetly "Yes dear"

"What do you do when your heart wants a love that's not good for you but needs a love that is?"

The nun remains silent and looks at me for a long moment. "The heart wants what it wants Evangeline. That's why god has given us all a sound mind and the wisdom of discernment. You dear have to use that wisdom to rule over your heart."

I nod and look at John. "I'm glad you included me in these sessions" I say smiling.
He frowns at me. "You are?"
"Yes…" I say relaxing. I will keep this all in perspective. Phil is ultimately what I will choose for my heart. I will use these sessions to help me do so. Looking back at him I see him narrowing his eyes on me studying my face He knows I'm fighting against him. He smirks at me confidently and I know what he's doing. He will increase his methods to win to me back.

May the best person win. I think to myself as the sister writes down our thoughts. She smiles eventually and announces therapy is over. Swiftly I grab my purse and rise escaping the room saying brief goodbyes. He watches me flee and doesn't come after me. As I walk into the afternoon sun I smile and inhale the autumn air. I feel like I'm starting over.