Starting Over: Loosing Control

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

"Oh sweet Jesus please don't do this to me." I say to myself pressed against the elevator wall. He has his left arm up blocking my escape. The wall to my right prevents me from stepping away from him. Looking down I avoid those blue eyes. Those eyes have always been my downfall, if I don't look into them I will be alright,. I know I will.

"Evangeline look at me" he says in that deep smoky voice of his.
"No, move John. This isn't funny." I say my voice cracking.
"You still wear Channel I see..." he says leaning into me and inhaling. I close my eyes and turn my face so that if he tries to kiss me he can't. Thankfully he doesn't and I sense him bringing his face back.

"Look at me Van…I want to see your eyes" he says softly in my ear. I keep my face turned away and squeeze them shut. "John, don't do this!" I manage to choke out.

"Why? You're mine you know that." He says using his finger on his right hand to move the hair that his fallen in my face and scooping it behind my ear to reveal my neck. His touch gives me butterflies and I try to think of Phil to gather my strength and push him away. But my hands and arms are led and permanently welded to my side.

"God you are so beautiful…." He says leaning into me.

I feel his lips brush against my neck and I finally understand what Mina in Bram Strokers, Dracula felt like when the vampire took her against her will. Slowly I am drawn back into the warm erotic feeling of his lips on my body and my heart bleeds from the betrayal, as all the blood in body rushes to the spot he's kissed me reveling in the feeling.

Unable to fight him I just hope that eventually air returns to my lungs which burn with passion for him. I swallow and pray I don't faint from his advances. He moves his hand to the single button on my suit as his tongue comes out to my neck.

The tongue that has traveled every inch of my body in the past forces my body to respond to the sweet memory of its touch. The jugular vein in my neck pulsates and beats to the rhythm of his flicking pink tender tongue as he rains kisses up under my chin and neck forcing me to arch my tilted head to give him room. Feeling my jacket fall open a deep regretful sigh escapes me but no words. In my mind I'm screaming at my myself:

"VAN STOP IT GIRL! DON'T LET HIM DO THIS TO YOU!"
"PUSH HIM AWAY! THINK OF ALL YOU STAND TO LOOSE!"
"OH GOD PHIL WILL NEVER UNDERSTAND IT IF YOU GIVE IN!"
"YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH YOUR SELF IF YOU DO!"

But instead the only thing that escapes me is a deep longing moan as his right hand cups my left breast and he pushes his hips against me so I can feel something I've thought about over and over in my dreams and even recently in the arms of my man. "Open your eyes baby and face me." he says kissing my face, his left hand going to the rim of my pants and undoing the top button.

I swallow and breathe through my nose thinking that this is it. I've fallen down the rabbit hole.

The sister told me the heart wants what it wants but she said that my mind is in control. Where is the damn control? Melting into him he raises his pelvis and slides down the zipper of my pants. Letting go of my breast his takes his right and slips it in my pants and grabs me gently between my legs as his tongue slides inside my ear. His breath heating up the nerves ending at the fold of my ear is the final assault.

I open my eyes and turn my face to look at him. He massages between my legs without taking his fingers inside and I'm grateful. I blink slowly at the pleasure of his touch and my reflexes drive me to part my legs slightly so he can get a better hold of my honey spot.

Looking into dark sapphire blue eyes I see everything and the pain and pleasure of having him near me after all these years seals my fate. I bring my face to his and raise my hands to give him the kiss I wanted the day he stepped through my door with me covered in flour.

Sliding my tongue into his awaiting mouth I explore and taste him causing my eyes to roll back into my head. His fingers pull back the delicate fabric of my panties and he slips two of them inside me. I gasp from the surprise intrusion and lift my right leg around his left letting him know not to stop.

I keep screaming my head to no avail. Now having an out of body experience I step out myself. the heart wants what it wants and it's the truth. God every cell in my body wants this and I can't stop myself.

Watching the scene from outside my body I hear me groaning and grunting under his now feverish and hard pressed kisses. I see my hips shake and rotate with see his sleeved hand inside my pants forcing me into an orgasm I've been awaiting since the day he returned.

I scream at myself:

"STOP IT DAMN YOU VAN! STOP IT!"
"YOU ARE RISKING IT ALL!"
"YOU WILL LOOSE HIM FOR SURE!"

But the stranger who looks and sounds like me ignores my pleas. I weep at my weakness and I mourn the lost of commitment to Phil. This is a betrayal pure and simple and I won't be able to live with myself. Seeing my hands now trying to free him from his belt I shake my head. Oh god girl have you just completely lost your mind. Then I hear it. HOPE…

"Hey is in body stuck in there?"

Opening my eyes I'm back in my body and the spell is broken. I push him away my pants down at my hips and the top two shirt buttons popped. "Yes! We're stuck please help us." I say buttoning my pants and tucking my shirt. Looking back he's breathing hard and staring at me. He winks and I feel so weak and stupid for letting him win.

"Okay….opening it now."

Frantically I button my jacket and see him massaging the erectness from his penis. I can't look him in the face and when the doors open I bend down to grab my purse, briefcase and turn to flee. He grabs my arm forcefully pulling me back.

"I won't give up on us Van...we belong together and I will fight you every step of the way!" he says seductively in my ear his semi hard penis pressed against my hip. I bite my lip and snatch my arm away. "Just let me go John" I say sadly and rush out of the elevator.

Jacob the maintenance guy is standing there smiling nicely at me but I push pass him and hurry to the stairwell to get out of the basement. I run up them in my 3 inch heels not even mindful that I could break my neck. All I can do is get the hell out of here.

Coming out and rushing down the corridor my face is flushed with tears. I bump into Nora. God why now?

"Whoa Van where's the fire?"

Dropping my head so my hair falls to my face I laugh lightly "Sorry late for court" I say trying to escape.

She steps in front of me. "Hey are you okay?"
"Fine" I say pushing pass her and down the corridor.
"Van wait!" I hear her and now I break out into a run causing several officers to jump out of the hallway from the clicking of my heels and the desperation on my face. I'm reminded of how fast Tina Turner ran from that hotel that she shared with Ike in her heels and designer suit. My hair blowing behind me and the shocked looks on the faces of the people that I pass I know I must resemble her minus the bruises. They just don't know my bruises are there, there just on my heart.

Coming through the door I rush down the jailhouse steps onto the street. Hearing the noises of outside car horns, people talking, music from passing cars I welcome it all because it means I'm away from that place where I betrayed myself.

Running down the sidewalk my briefcase in my hand I slip my purse off my shoulder and fumble for my keys. Dropping them I curse myself stopping to pick them up with shaking hands. Pressing the keyless remote I almost run into the street at passing cars to get to the driver side. Jumping inside the soft smell of leather caramel coffee from my Starbucks cup sitting inside soothe me. Turning on the car I push the air condition to high and let the cool air blow out, forcefully hitting me in the face.

That's when my heart explodes and I burst into tears, deep soul wrenching tears. Screaming I lower my head to the steering wheel and cry.

I cry for what has happened to me in those few minutes alone with him. I want him back. Despite all the reasons I should keep away. Despite all the wonderful things I share with Phil everything in me wants him back. He's my man the only man for me flawed and all. I can't let him go.

Crying harder now I shake from the pain of this realization and my own despicable weakness. This isn't who I am…he himself said that I'm not needy that I'm strong. Then why the hell can't I fight him?

Hearing a tap on my window I jump and look up. I see the concerned face of Officer Cleveland and hit the remote button lowering it.

"My god Ms. Williamson are you okay?" he asked alarmed.
I try to smile or at the very least stop my tears but I can't. "I….I…I…fine" I say
He shakes his head. "Are you sure?"
Nodding not able to say anymore I roll the window back up and pull from the curb forcing him to step into the street.

Driving I hear my phone ringing in my bag. I slip my hand to it and pull it out.
JOHN.
I see it's him and toss the phone back to the passenger seat. "Leave me alone.." I whimper trying to remain calm until I get home. Driving in a daze my phone rings constantly and I'm so numb I can't even hear it. Finally reaching my parking deck I wait patiently for the iron gate to move and allow me access.

Pulling around the garage I see my parking space and sigh relieved. Being home is a comfort. Parking I quickly gather my things. As I retrieve my phone I see he's called 12 times so far and the phone lights up in my hands again with him calling. Hitting the button I turn it off and force it inside.

Getting out my car I move as if in a trance and all I can recall now is turning the key in my lock….to caught up in my own personal drama to know how I got upstairs. Walking inside I drop everything after closing the door. I'm not even sure if I locked it as I shed my clothes heading to the shower.

Hearing the phone ring in my apartment I ignore it and by the time I reach the shower I am completely naked. Turning on the cold water and stepping in I wince as the feeling of ice crystals sliding down my body makes me shiver.

It also makes me awaken to what has happened to me. Breathing hard and standing under the large silver sprout I tilt my head back as my chest heaves up and down. Crying again with the water caressing my face and fingering my hair I think of him. Now I'm in it deep. Before this betrayal I believed it to be over, especially after his confession of using Natalie to keep me in turmoil and test my love. Placing both hands against the shower wall with my palms flat I lower my face and the water hits my back. Crying harder now I try to regain control.

Nothing works the colder the water gets the stronger my need for him becomes. I'm so torn that I even consider running away like he did. I'm so scared I consider denying it and lying to Phil. I'm so confused I consider calling him and finishing what we started in the elevator.

Shaking my head sadly I sigh and turn the water off. I'm not that woman. I'm stronger than this. Dammit McBain how could you do this to me! I hate you!

Stepping out the shower I grab Phil's thick robe not bothering to dry off. Smelling his after shave around the collar I smile and pull it close.

Walking to the mirror I look at my face…most of the makeup gone from the water and my hair wet and stuck wavily to the sides. Who is the woman staring at me? What is the new truth that I see burning in her almond brown eyes? Placing my hands on the edge of the sink I lower my face. I lost the battle and John won the war. Things can never go back to normal after this.

Walking out of the bathroom I see my undergarments and clothes on the floor. I step over them too weak to clean up after myself. Rubbing the thick soft fold of my lovers robe I go to his favorite chair in my place and sit down pulling my wet legs underneath me.

The phone rings and rings and I ignore it. Closing my eyes I pray that god shows me the next step because right now I have no clue.