Starting Over: Therapy Betrayal

by tarskeewee08

3 Days Later

(John's POV)

It's been three days since our melt down in the elevator and she hasn't returned my calls. Sitting here with Sister Clancy she's ten minutes late and I think that I've really done it now. I pushed her too far. Why did I do that? Why can't I just let her come to me?

I know the reason why I was loosing her and desperation can make you do unwise things. I never intended to hurt her though. Cleve told me of her breakdown in her car. I drove to her place after calling a hundred times. I sat outside of it afraid to go to her.

What if she rejected me? What if I made it worse? I decided to give her some space but each minute I thought more and more of wanting her at my side. I thought of my desire to have her back. I fought against myself and resisted temptation to go to her office. This was driving me crazy. Looking down at my watch I saw she was now 11 minutes late and it was killing me.

Nora stormed into my office and read me the riot act. She found out we were stuck in the elevator and said she saw her running out of the station as if the devil himself was chasing her. She was so angry with me for breaking her friend the way I did I could say nothing in response. She called me a selfish pig and told me that if I hurt her she would make my life at the station a living hell. She even knocked my pencil holder off my desk.

Why did everyone think I was some kind of pariah that she needed protection from? Fuck it…I know why but dammit she loves me and I love her doesn't that count for anything. Sighing heavily and looking at my watch Sister Clancy looks up from her writing at me curious but saying nothing. Her rule for all sessions is 15 mutes. Evangeline had 3 minutes to appear before the session started, the nun closed her door to interruptions once it began and I wouldn't be able to convince her to let Van in. What was keeping her she was too late and Van was never late.

Sweating I close my eyes and say another prayer that the same god that stopped that elevator giving her to me would bring her to this session today. I'm dying to see her. Looking at my watch again she is 13 minutes late and the panic in me has me clenching and unclenching my fists. If she doesn't come then its over, I've lost her. Oh god please I won't survive loosing her again. Therapy be damn she's my hold to sanity.

The door opens and in she walks. She's wearing red and different shades of orange plaid skirt with chocolate knee boots and a red v neck cashmere sweater under her chocolate three quarter inch jacket. She breezes in out of breath and I immediately and welcomed by the sweet smell of her Channel perfume.

"I'm so sorry but court ran over..." she says rushing to her seat. I look at her amazed and she doesn't acknowledge me. I hadn't lost her….she came.

The sister smiles and looks at her. "It's okay, although I think John was in a state of panic as if you weren't coming."

She blushes and pushes her long mane behind her ear, her gold large circular hoop earring swinging lightly from her ear. I wait for her to glance at me but soon realize she is avoiding me again. I stare at her and remember the taste and feel of her. My heart swells with the familiar love I have pumping through my veins.

"Well today I'd like to discuss betrayal." Sister Clancy begins and my heart pumping with love stops beating as my chest tightens. I look at her as if she has spiders crawling over her face. Why would she choose betrayal today? Why would she take us there?

Sister Clancy smiles sweetly at me "John, lets start with the lie you kept and subsequent betrayal of trust in your relationship."

Swallowing hard I shake my head. "I don't think we need to discuss that sister…."
"John this is not open for debate you know the drill, please tell me and Evangeline your reasons for betrayal."

I look at Evangeline and her face is contorted in pain. Her eyes glisten with tears that threaten to spill out and she sits with her hands folded tightly in her lap.

"When Christian Vega returned to Llanview I immediately took a dislike to him. Part of it was because Natalie Vega would no longer need me and my hold over her would be broken. The other part was he seemed different and angrier than I remembered. I knew he had been held hostage and that there were reasons for his attitude, especially with me and his wife being friends."

Stopping I look at Evangeline and her face has soften some but the pain is still in her eyes.

"Evangeline picked up on my attitude and I told her that I felt something wasn't right about him. She suspected that it was me trying to insinuate myself into Natalie's orbit and I don't know if that was true but it became a need for me to prove he was an imposter. His bouts of violence got increasingly worse and Evangeline eventually helped me collect DNA evidence to test. Before the test he killed a man and once the results were in he asked me to keep his identity secret."

The nun looked at me and spoke softly "Why did you choose to keep the secret?"
"I told everyone it was because he asked me too"
The nun nodded. "Okay so what is the truth?"

I look at her and think of the answer to that question. I shake my head and refuse to give a response.

"John, what's the truth!" the nun asks more sternly.
"The truth is I hated him. I hated him for dieing and making me guilty enough to become his wife's resident hero. Then I hated him for returning and trying to take away my crown. I wanted him gone and I wanted her disconnected and needy. I needed her to be weak and pathetic because I was able to be more than human in her eyes. She questioned nothing. She expected nothing unlike Evangeline." I turn and look at her and regret with what I have to say.

"You constantly want truth and honesty. You constantly expect people to be strong and grounded with you. If I told you the secret you would've wanted Natalie to know. You would want it all in the open. Then where did that leave me! I would be just John."

She looks at the sister angrily "Can I speak?" Sister Clancy nods.

"How dare you sit here and lay this pathetic weak excuse at my feet. I'll tell you about betrayal. Here you are once again ruled by your own cowardice and trying to paint yourself as the resident hero of this town took liberties with my love and faith in you." She hissed.

"Betrayal is you knowingly misleading me to have her. I was the woman in your bed making love to you and holding you in the night. But that wasn't enough for you. Instead you drag me to your level and make me a liar and haborer of secrets so you can hump that juvenile's bones. Now you come back into my life with all your needs again. Needing me to need you, so I can become you and betray a innocent man that never did anything but love me. See John I've switched roles. In my relationship I'm you and Phil's blind trust and love is me. I'm doing to him what you did to me and it makes me sick. You make me sick!"

Her words are continuous blows to my heart and I shake my head to keep from crying. Looking back at her and seeing her disgust I swallow hard. "Van, I betrayed you but being with Phil is you betraying yourself. You aren't a victim here sweetie. You knew the day I showed up on your door step we had unresolved issues. You knew it and still clung to the lie that you live with in your heart. All I did was bring it to the surface and show you the truth"

"The truth! You wouldn't know the truth if it bit you on the….." she stops and looks at the nun apologetically. "You know nothing of the truth. The truth is I was happy and content."

I smile at her. "Content? Is that what you want from life, contentment?"

She sighs and sits back turning away from me. "I betrayed your trust with that secret. I betrayed your heart with my need for another woman. I betrayed our bond by taking that woman to bed. For all of that I'm sorry….so very sorry….eternally sorry. But sweetie I have never betrayed my love for you. It is as solid today as it was the day you serenaded me."

Sister Clancy clears her throat. "John, would you have ever told Natalie and Evangeline the truth on your own?"

Evangeline looks over at me wanting an answer and I decide on the truth. "No…"
She sits up straight. "Exactly….you would have gone forward with the lie and probably married and had kids with her, leaving me to believe that my entire relationship was based on nothing."

"I can't say all of that Van, eventually me and Natalie would have parted ways. I tired of her and had nothing new that I wanted to explore with her. I wouldn't destroy the illusion she had of me being a prince but we were headed nowhere."

"Oh gee, that's comforting" she says sarcastically.

Sister Clancy writes in her folder and we sit in silence. Finally stopping she looks at Van. "When you discovered of his betrayal why did you keep his secret?" she asked
"I beg your pardon?" she replied confused.
"The secret. The man had lied to you and all over the woman that he tossed your heart aside for. Why would you keep his secret?"

"Its wasn't mine to tell, besides my client asked that I keep it."

Sister Clancy nodded. "But there is another reason isn't Evangeline….a reason that keeps you angry at him over this betrayal. He needs to hear it."

She looks at me and I'm surprised that Sister Clancy knows something about her that I don't.

"I kept his secret because he needed me too. I wanted him to need me again. I needed him to need me." She said weakly.

The sister shook her head. "Do you still need him to need you? Is that why you agreed to these sessions? Is that why you came today despite whatever it is that has transpired between you two since our last visit?"

"I don't know…."
"I think you do" the nun says.

She looks at the nun and I see her on the verge of a confession and fighting against her self to express it. "Yes, because even after all he has done to me all he has destroyed because of his selfishness I love him and I want to protect him. I need to be his protector even though he pushes me away. I only wanted him to be whole because I wanted him strong. But his weakness endeared him to me; it gave me a sense of control. Until it all blew up in my face."

I look at her surprised. All the things she said about us and our love are comforting and new to hear. She never told me this. I didn't know she wanted to protect me. God how I have wronged her and punished her because of my own damn needs. I want to tell her that.

"John what happened between you two…why does Evangeline say that you forced her into betrayal?" Sister Clancy asks fixing her cool gray eyes on me.

I swallow hard and Evangeline drops her gaze to her lap embarrassed by her weakness and what I'm about to tell the nun.

"We were trapped in an elevator and I pushed her into giving into the desires we have. We didn't have sex but if the maintenance man hadn't freed us when he did we would have."

Sister Clancy looked back and forth between the two of us, finally resting her eyes on Evangeline. "John has been pretty clear of his desires for you, why did you give into them Evangeline?"

"I don't know" she snaps quickly.
"Evangeline, please you agreed to these sessions. I need you to be honest dear. Why did you give into them?"

She looks at me and her lip quivers "Because I wanted him to do it. I wanted him to force my hand so I can blame these damn feelings that haunt me on him."

The sister nods and I look at her shocked. "Really Van, you admit to feeling it too?"
"I told you I did John! I just don't want to hurt him. I haven't seen him since that day, luckily he's away at a medical conference but he's coming home today. I came to this session to get some perspective but its not working and I don't know what to do"

She looks at the sister desperate. "Sister you said the heart wants what it wants. You said my mind could overrule it. Well it didn't! Now what do I do. Do I break a mans heart the way mine was broken. Do I become that selfish bastard!" she said pointing at me.

The sister allowed her slip of the tongue but stared at Evangeline expressionless. "Why do you feel that your mind wants you to be with Phil? I've listened to you and heard your questions and responses to John's truth. It appears to me your mind is dealing with the reasoning that your heart demands. You didn't plan on this Evangeline but fighting it is what makes you selfish. You have to be honest with Phil. Think about it, when was the first time you lied to yourself and Phil about John?"

She looks at me and sighs "After I fell asleep in his hotel room. Phil asked me if I was in love with him and I said no."

I try not to smile god I try not to gloat. But I am so happy now it has to be all over my face. The nun ignores me and stares at Evangeline.

"That's your betrayal, not what almost happened afterwards. The moment you knew that you still loved this man you should've been honest. Your mind found a way not too…your heart has been honest with you from day one."

Evangeline wrings her hands nervously and shakes her head. "I understand."

The sister looks at me. "What is it that you've learned in regards to your betrayal of trust for the woman that you love John?"

"I've learned that trust is the one thing you can't buy back with an apology. It's something I have to earn. She asked me not to step out of line with out new friendship and I broke her trust again. I knew if I pushed her I would force her hand and that's what I did. I'm so sorry for it. But I'm also sorry for destroying the tiny fabrics of trust we were weaving together. I can understand if she never trusts me again."

She looks up at me sadly. "I love you John…"

I smile at her and get up surprised that the sister doesn't stop me. She gets up and comes into my arms. "I love you too baby and I want so desperately to give you all that you deserve. I didn't want to cause you more pain, I just need you Van, I need you like I need air."

She cries into my chest and I rub her back looking over her head I see the sister writing again with that silver and black pen. Evangeline finally releases her hold on me and smiles up at me. "I can't say where we go from here. I don't know if we can go anywhere from here. But I'm so glad I finally got to tell you what is in my heart."

I let her go and hold her hands. "Take baby steps if you need to, just don't shut me out."
She nods in agreement.

Sister Clancy interrupts "Today's session is over. Evangeline going forward John will be going through a recovery process. Its exercises on how to relate and deal with his social issues. You don't have attended these, but I'd like to bring you back in several weeks after these exercises for feedback in any noted changes in him."

Evangeline agrees and rubs my back. She smiles at me and then retrieves her purse. Before she walks out she turns and looks back at me. "See you around"
I wink at her. "Yes baby see you around"