Starting Over: Phil's Heart

by tarskeewee08

(Evangeline's POV)

I love my loft. The best part of it is the view of the Lantana Bay down by these docks. Standing at the large window I watch the cargo boats bringing freight to the dock and think of my life in Llanview. As small as this town is I have learned, loved and lost more than most in a lifetime.

When John left me I thought my ability to love again was over. Then a handsome doctor took an interest in my happiness and proceeded to give me a taste of romance and love free of doubt and pain. A love that made you stronger and supported your emotional growth in ways I thought wasn't possible.

Now I've betrayed that love. It's marred with my deceit and divided loyalties. I promised him I wouldn't hurt him. I swore that he was the man I wanted. I let him believe that I went with John to these sessions for closure and the truth is now staring me in the face. I went to these therapy sessions to find a way to love him again. I wanted a reason to forgive the pain between us and a way to bring him back into my life. The sister was right, it wasn't just my heart at fault it was my conscious mind.

He called from the airport and said he had a surprise for me. Every time he left town he brought me a surprise back and I always anxiously awaited his arrival to get my treat. Tonight though I would be the one delivering the surprise and it may change our lives forever.

Looking into the street I see the cab pull up in the front of my loft and smile slightly. He gets out in his dark trench his honey colored skin looking invitingly smooth on his shaven head. Paying the cabby thats pulling out his luggage he laughs saying something witty as he picks up his bags and head to me. My sweet wonderful Phil.

Hearing the buzz on the intercom I walk over slowly, hesitantly, sadly to buzz him in.
"Guess who.."
"Hey baby come on up" I say sweetly unlocking the door for him.

I walk away from the door and sit down inhaling patiently wanting to steal my nerves. The door swings open and he comes in with his suitcase smiling and anxiously seeking me out. Seeing me immediately he grins. "Hey baby!"
I smile at him. "Hey baby"
Dropping his luggage he shakes out of his coat. "Well why are you all the way over there. Get up and give your man what he's being dreaming about for the past 3 days."

I get up and sigh deeply walking into his arms. He searches my face for my mouth and slips his tongue in immediately both his hands squeezing my ass. I giggle at his excited desperate need to feel me up. Pressing me into him I feel him growing harder. Slipping his tongue out and to my ear he breathes heavily "I need to be inside of you now. Here right now." He says lowering me to the floor.

I push against him "Phil what's wrong with you?" I say laughing falling to the floor as he rips his suit jacket off, kissing my face and neck. "Come on baby..I've dreamt of your body the entire flight. Give me a quickie here and then we can…."

"Phil…stop!" I say pushing him away and moving from under him. I get up off the floor and he lays there looking up at me with a fake hurt look on his face. He makes me laugh and laughing is the last thing I want to do now.

Getting up from the floor he comes over to me and touches my face "I am so glad to see you Van. I got a surprise for you?"

I raise an eyebrow "Really? What?"
He goes to his suitcase and pulls it to the sofa opening it. Going inside he pulls out a pink box with a white satin ribbon. Walking over to me he holds it out? I look at him surprised. "Phil what did you do?"

He grins at me. "I was on South Beach with colleagues and came across this. I had to get it for you."

I take the box and imagine what's inside. It's long, rectangular and flat and I know it must be jewelry. He always bought me sweet gifts. When he went to Santa Barbara he drove up to Nappa and bought me back a Whitehall Cabernet, while at his conference in New York he bought me back Tiffany's engraved watch saying that we had all the time in world, now this.

Taking off the bow I pull back the wrapping looking up at him. Underneath I find a black velvet box. Going to the table I drop the bow and wrapping then slowly open the box to gasp at what's inside. A platinum thin chain with a blind lady justice charm holding the scales of justice. It's the most beautiful thing I burst into tears.

Phil walks over concerned. "Van, baby don't cry!"
I go into his arms holding the sweet gift and let go of the tears that I've been holding all day for the conversation we have to have.

He rubs my back and I cry more. Taking the box from my hand and placing it on the table he pulls me to the couch confused by downpour of tears. "Baby, what is it? Please…tell me what's wrong."

I fall into his chest and cry more. I just can't believe that I was unable to hold onto us. I can't believe that I am willing to walk away. I don't want to hurt him.

"Okay Van you're scaring me! Tell me what's wrong?"

I wipe at my tears and try to catch my breath. "Phil we need to talk" He's staring at me and I avoid his eyes.

Rising from the sofa I put a hand on my hip and begin to pace. It's the only thing I can think of to do to avoid his eyes. "I've been going to those sessions."
"Yeah I know, you said they were helping him and helping you."
"They are. You know how they go…how they make you open up and face things."

Phil sits back and looks at me with that doctor look processing my behavior and words. He knows what I'm going to say before I say it and it eats away at me.
"You have feelings for him?" he said slowly.
I stop and look at him. "I've learned things in these sessions that I have feelings I've refused to face."
"Are you still in love with him?" he asked
"Phil…."
"You are!" he says his eyes growing wide. Standing up he walks over to me and I see the pain all over his face. "Van, are you saying that you want him back?"

Turning from him I suck my teeth "I haven't said much of anything yet because you keep interrupting me!"

I know he's suffering from my betrayal and I refuse to face him. "I can't deny that I have unresolved issues with the man Phil, good and bad. I can't deny that I never stopped loving him."

"I asked you Van what it meant when he showed up at your door. You told me that it was over between you two….no you assured me that you were over him!" he shouted.

I turn and face him seeing the tears rolling down his cheek. "Oh god Phil I didn't do this on purpose please.."
"Van are you leaving me? Are you walking away from me to go to him?"
"No, I'm not going to him. I'm just being honest with you. I'm in love with him."
"And me? What are your feelings for me?"

I look into his eyes and see all his love for me and my heart splits in two. I know that I care for him deeply passionately and in the most profound way. But I'm not in love with him. "I care…"
"You what! You care? Do you love me Van?" He says coming to me and grabbing my arms.
"Phil please…" I say crying.
"My god! He comes to town and our whole relationship becomes a lie?" he says emotionally wounded.
"God no…baby no" I say grabbing his face. "I love you I do I'm just not in love with you!"

He pushes me away and steps back from me. Breathing heavily he rubs his head with his hand and turns from me. I walk over and grab his arm as he snatches back roughly walking away.

"Phil…listen, I just need time. I have to find out what my heart wants, please say you understand."

He turns back around and glares at me causing me to step back. "Understand! You just ripped out my heart. Don't get me wrong Van I knew you loved him when I got into this. But I also thought you weren't one of those weak women that clung to unhealthy relationships making excuses for the emotional abuse and calling it love!"

I look at him shocked "What? How could you say that to me?" I say stunned

"How? Let's see…the man is an emotional cripple. He's a narcissist and has commitment issues a mile long! You think a couple of sessions has healed him! Or do you want save him? Be his enabler!"

His words cut at my heart and the tears sting as they come down my face. "Stop it Phil…it's not like that! Don't reduce my love for John to some bullshit case study. Don't dismiss my feelings like that! What I feel for him is real."

"Bullshit! I read his file. People go through traumatic shit everyday Van but they don't implode like he did. The man could be in therapy for years and still not give you half of what you need!"

I shake my head sadly, he's twisting everything around. "Phil I think you should go!"
"Do you? So just like that we're done? Already you want me gone?"

"I can't talk to you now." I say weakly, he has a way of tearing down my resistance with his logic and reason, feeding into my fears. I know that John is far from perfect or healed but neither am I. There's nothing wrong with being flawed its what makes us human.

Phil grabs his suit jacket off the floor and puts it on. Crying now I back away to the kitchen counter and lean against it watching him collect his things. He puts on his trench and grabs his bag. I go to the table for his gift and he shakes his head no.

"Keep it Evangeline, I want you to have it. I hope you find the happiness you deserve. I didn't mean to hurt you, it just hurts real bad loosing you to him. But let's be honest I never really had you did I?"

I look at him and remain silent. I can't speak and my tears have my vision blurred with pain. He shakes his head and goes to the door slamming out. I slowly go to the floor and put my head in my knees crying harder now. I cry for hurting the one man that has been so careful with my heart. I failed him and I may have failed myself.

Picking myself up off the floor I walk to my bedroom and fall upon the bed. I realize I'm still holding the necklace box that I tried to give back to him. Opening it I cry and finger the delicate necklace. He was right I destroyed our chance on a hope that I can have something with John. Curling up I close my eyes and cry myself to sleep.

3 am that morning

Hearing bells I moan and curl into a tighter ball on my bed. The ringing gets louder and I open my eyes and focus on the dark room. The ringing is above my head and I realize it's the phone. Pulling myself up I reach for it.

"Hello"
"Van?"
"Yes…" I say trying to catch the voice.
"I'm sorry."

Sitting up I realize its Phil. "Phil…?"
"Yeah baby it's me. I wanted to call you and apologize for the way I left things with you today."
"I understand you were hurt."
"That doesn't give me license to insult you the way I did. It's not who I am. It's not who we are."
I smile at his apology and fall back on my pillow. "I don't want to loose you as my friend. You are my best friend Phil no matter what that won't change."
"And you mines" he says and I can hear a smile in his voice.
"I don't know what will happen with me and John…"
"I hope what you want happens. That he loves you and treats you the way you deserve."
"Thanks Phil"
"Promise to call me and come to see me. I know we are putting the breaks on our relationship but I don't want to be completely disconnected from you. I don't think my heart can take it."
"Of course Phil…"

We sit on the phone in silence for minutes. "Okay well good night."
"Good morning you mean" I say laughing
He laughs "Good morning" he says then hangs up.

I put the phone back on the base and slide back down my pillow grateful that he hadn't abandoned me. I may not deserve his friendship and love but god how I want it. Drifting back to sleep I think of the two men in my life and I wonder who really is the one that's capable of bringing me true happiness. The answer lingers in my subconscious mind and I feel it….soon I will know it.