Starting Over: Choose Me

by tarskeewee08

(John's POV)

Walking to her door I stand outside of it hesitant to knock. Her assistant Mary is away from her desk and I'm unsure of what business Evangeline may be conducting now. It's been two days since she told me she loved me. I know she must have told Phil what was going on and I've waited patiently for her to call me at the station or hotel, but got nothing.

What's going on with her? Is she pushing me away? Is she avoiding me? Has our relationship changed?

Knocking I hear the soft melodic sound of her voice beckoning for me to enter. Sighing, I touch the cool steel of the doorknob and turn it slowly pushing the door open. She has her head down writing frantically in a folder and he hairs is hanging low preventing my view of her face. She looks up smiling and her eyes widen. "John?"

Closing the door I smile and stand in front of her. I love seeing her in her element and I can't help but be drawn in by her presence. "John I wasn't expecting you" she says closing her file and looking at me curious.

"I know, but it's a beautiful day and I was wondering if you had lunch?" I ask encouraged by her warm greeting even though it lacked the intimacy I had hoped to hear in her voice and see in her eyes.

She sits back in her chair eyeing me curiously "It's 40 degrees out side. That's pretty cold wouldn't you say?"

I laugh "You're a warm blooded creature remember?"
She nods "Touché"
"Well, how about Capricorn, my treat?"
She smiles. "I really have a lot of work to do."
"What about dinner?" I ask hopeful.

She laughs softly and pushes from behind her desk. "What is the visit about John?"
I watch her approach and swallow my insecurities. I stand firm in my resolve to have her again looking her dead in the eyes. "I haven't heard from you Van since our last session. I want to reconnect."

She folds her arms and tilts her head. "Reconnect hunh?"
"Did you tell Phil of your feelings for me?" I ask point blank
"I don't see how that's your business." she says challengingly.
I frown at her. "Why wouldn't it be my business I want a life with you?"

She shakes her head. "John is that really possible? I mean with everything that's happened between us?"

"Of course it is…" I say taking a step toward her.
"We've learned a lot these past weeks in therapy John."
"I agree….and the most important thing we learned is that we love each other."
"That's true….but we also learned the things that make it difficult for us to be there for each other." she says sitting on her desk and crossing her long legs.

I look at her and frown. Where is that coming from? "The lies are out Van…there are no secrets between us. I stand before you now completely open and ready to love you."

She looks in my eyes and I see sadness which makes my heart ache. I know I'm not going to like what she says. Putting my hands in my pockets I search her face for hope that she isn't abandoning hope. I see something else and to be honest I don't understand it.

"John….you basically told me that my need for perfection, honesty and independence made you feel unwanted, that the women in your life including Caitlyn made room for you to be their hero. Now I understand that the unhealthy part of this need is being addressed in therapy. I get that. There is however, a separate part of you that wants to feel empowered in your relationships. Apparently you don't get that with me."

"That's not true. I feel loved, secure and stronger when I'm with you Van. It was my desire to have you again that made me seek out therapy. I love you."

She smiles lightly "Oh baby I know you do. I feel that John…to be honest I felt it when we weren't together. My point is that it just may not be enough."

"Why are you doing this!" I snap angrily.
"Doing what?"
"Fighting us….finding reasons not to be with me? Is it Phil? Did he plant this in your head? Do you really think that I want you to be a victim unable to stand on your own for me to feel secure in a relationship with you? Please Van that's bullshit!"

She unfolds her arms and places them on either side of her onto the desk. "John, I'm just trying to be honest and share with you the reality of our love. I don't think loving each other is enough anymore. It will take a commitment on both our parts to be healthy and whole. But if we interpret our needs differently we may never get to where we need to be to experience something great and powerful that forms this bond we share."

I don't want her talking anymore I want her in my arms. Walking to her I pull her from her desk to me. Thank god she doesn't resist. "Do you love me?"

"Yes" she said looking up at me.
"Well then that's all we need, because I love you and only you. I will move heaven and earth to hold on to you."
She puts her arms around my neck and presses her body against mine. "I will always love you John. You're in my blood baby. I just don't know if loving you is what's best for me."

Before I can respond she lifts on her toes in her heels and kisses me. I accept the kiss but I'm so confused by her method. Is she mine? Is she trying to find her way back to me? What does all this mean?

Kissing her and running my hand down her back while cupping her ass I push her into me deeply and moan at the feeling of her manicured hands running through my hair. Her kiss becomes stronger and I know from the way she rubs her breast against my chest that she's not abandoning us. How could she abandon passion like this?

Finally pulling back she smiles at me seductively. "I won't have dinner with you. As a matter of fact I won't see you at all until your therapy is complete."

I step back from her stunned. "Are you serious? Why Van?" I ask hurt.

She smiles and reaches toward me to touch my face. "Because I am who I am John. I want a man that's not threatened by my independence. I want a man that stands on his own for validation and doesn't look for approval from others as a sign that he's accepted."

She drops her hand and hugs herself and I stare into her eyes seeing the sincerity and serious conviction that lies behind her words

"I want a man that's not so easily distracted by the damsels in distress and prioritizes my needs. You baby, have to find out if that's who you are. Or better yet if that's who you want to be. Finish therapy and dig deep to find out what you want out of life. Loving me is one thing but being with me is another John. You said it wasn't enough before and that very well could have been because of your demons, but it also could have been because of your own preferences."

"That's bullshit! I know what I want!"

"Do you? Because if you do then I'll walk out this door right now with you John, right now! If you can tell me that you don't need me to be less independent or less strong. That you aren't threatened by need for perfection and strength in my mate I'm yours."

Standing in front of her I hear what she's saying but it hurts real bad. I had a lot of time to dig at the roots of my problems, some of them were because of my demons but some weren't. I think that opposites attract and that we are strong because of our differences. But I also realize that her independence and confidence were qualities I both admired and envied. I found it hard to reconcile my own chauvinistic needs for her to be submissive and subservient to me.

Can I take her as is? Do I want her that way? Or is the truth right at the surface. Am I trying to bend her and change her into what I think she should be to be in my life?

God I love her. I mean look at her how could you not. I can't loose her and I won't give her up, but to have her I have to show her that we belong together differences and all.

"Van I'm not going to stand in front of you and say that I can accept every facet of your personality. That I don't sometimes wish that you would just let me lead. But you can't stand there and say that you accept everything about me. See the way I look at it is love is that secret ingredient that will make this mixture of emotions, desires, differences, similarities gel. It's our key to succeeding Van and we have to hold onto that to obtain the bigger goal."

"What's that John? What's our ultimate goal?"

I smile at her and move into her space. "To be one. To finally be that missing piece that the other needs to feel whole again. Step out on faith with me baby. Take a chance that even though we are different and flawed our love will sustain us. Take a chance that even though the odds are against us overcoming all the obstacles that our personal prejudices on who is a perfect mate has placed in our path, we belong together. Just stop over analyzing it Evangeline and risk it all with me."

She lowers her head confused and afraid and I understand that. She has been on an emotional rollercoaster with me. The highs outweigh the lows in my opinion and I think she needs to focus on that. Finally raising her head again her eyes glisten with tears and she searches my face for the truth, something tangible she can hold onto. Something that guarantees her heart won't be ripped from her chest again.

"I love you John."
I nod at her. "I know baby."
"I want you with me. I mean I want us to be together, but I'm just scared."
"Me too Van….me too."
"Maybe you should finish therapy first." She says still hiding from me.

I walk to her and grab her head kissing her forehead. "I'm going to the Palace. I'm in room 1543. I'll wait for you tonight Van. It's up to you. I can see 100 doctors on a 100 different days and the end result would be the same. I want you and only you Van."

Letting her go I walk toward the door. Placing my hand on the knob I don't look back at her as I speak because I might loose the courage in what I am about to say.

"If you decide that our love is worth fighting for. Problems and all then come to me tonight and let's start again. If you don't come Van, I'll let you go. I won't call or find excuses to come around anymore. I'll let you go find a man free of demons and doubts. I love you that much" my voice cracked at the end and I turned the knob to the door walking through before she said anything further.

My heart in my throat I close the door refusing to look back. Scared I'd loose my nerve and run to her falling on my knees begging that she choose me again. That she walk away from all her valid reasoning and just be mine.

Before if you asked me what I believed the outcome would be for us, I would say with a 100 certainty that we were the endgame. Now with secrets and pain as part of our history I'm not so sure anymore.

Walking to the elevator with my hands in my pockets I recall the make out sessions in her office and elevator. I remember the feeling of waking up to her in my bed or in my kitchen burning eggs.

I can hear her laughter as she runs around my old place with a camera trying to take my picture as I chase her. I feel her hands stroking my chest and she wraps her long legs around mine and drift to sleep in my arms.

She's it for me and I will never love another woman like I loved her. In knowing that I want what's best for her. If that's her being with someone else so be it. I can't force her to see what I see. I won't force her.

Pressing the button to the elevator I see the doors open and immediately step in. As they close on me I say another silent prayer that our love brings her back to me but this time I amend it. If she chooses to walk away I pray that I survive the loss of her. Because to be honest I don't think I will.