Starting Over: Starting Over

by tarskeewee08

"Hey Nora" I say opening the door and smiling at my friend. After John left I spent the rest of the day trying to concentrate on my mountain of paperwork. Needless to say I failed miserably. Around 6pm I walked out of my office hearing his words play over and over in my head.


"If you decide that our love is worth fighting for. Problems and all then come to me tonight and let's start again. If you don't come Van, I'll let you go. I won't call or find excuses to come around anymore. I'll let you go find a man free of demons and doubts. I love you that much"

Now it's up to me and I don't know if I can make this decision. I called Nora and she told me she was heading home for the day. I asked that she come to my house instead. I need my friend.

Holding the door I watch her walk in with her mother hen frown on. "Vange you okay baby?" she asked going to my sofa and throwing my purse down.

"I got a problem Nora and I need your help figuring it out." I say closing the door and sighing.

"Okay….problem? That means John. So what has he done now? What happened in that elevator? I was so worried about you and you haven't been returning my phone calls."

I look at her and smile softly "I'm sorry but I wasn't ready to talk to anyone. I had to deal with Phil first."
"Phil? How is he?"
"He's gone" I say looking her in the eye and holding back my urge to cry. It kills me to think of how I hurt him. I know what its like to loose a lover to another and Phil doesn't deserve that kind of pain.

Nora walks over to me and rubs my shoulders. "Start at the beginning…"

I walk away and sit down on the sofa and she follows. Telling her all that has transpired in the past week between me, John and Phil has a soothing effect to my pain. I haven't been able to talk to anyone other than the two men that are pulling me apart.

I tell her Phil's accusations of me being weak and John's pleas for me to step out on faith. Nora listens not interrupting and I see her roll her eyes several times. I know she thinks that Phil was my shot at happiness, but I can't invest in something my heart doesn't feel. However, I am unable at this moment to invest in someone my heart is terrified to trust.

"Evangeline, what's the main reason you are fighting this with John?"
Surprised by her question I look at her and frown. "I told you getting my heart broken again."

Nora takes my hand and rubs it with hers "I love you, but you have to stop this Van."
"Stop what?"
"Lying to yourself, hiding from the truth. You are smarter than this."
Now I'm really confused. "I don't understand what you are getting at."

"You want a way out of this because you are scared that this may actually be the one shot at real happiness. If you finally accept the man flaws and all, there are no more battles except the ones you forge together. It will be on you to move forward with love, family even marriage and that terrifies you."

"Nora, have you been listening? The man thinks I'm too demanding he's asking that I change. I won't change who I am for him to love me!"

"Van, you know I think that you and Phil were great together. Hell I think he may have been able to make you happy. With saying all of that we both know he wasn't John. No man can be to you what John is."

I look at her confused by her endorsement. She was anti-John after my last heartbreak, now her attitude has me confused. She sees my reaction and kisses my forehead. "I have to be honest, this thing with John is what you want more than anything and all I see is you fighting to find excuses to push him away. According to you…your words not mine, the man has pulled himself inside out to reveal his insecurities. Well a person rarely has that insight into their mate. This is a fresh start sweetie. You could start all over!"

"What if I don't want to start over!" I shout surprised by my outburst. "Too much has happened and I am tired of it Nora! I want to be free of this hold he has on me! Besides I don't believe him when he says he won't hurt me!"

"Van, I think you're wrong. I think you do believe John but you don't believe in your ability to be strong with him. You won't let go of this need to be in control. What John offers is chaos…but it's your chaos. You are a woman enough and in love enough to survive it. Hell the bond that you share with him will make you thrive in it."

"It's too late. I can't ride this emotional rollercoaster with him anymore. It's too exhausting and I'm tired."

Nora puts her arm around my shoulder "Then you have your answer. If you want to be free of him, then move on. There is no further debate. Let him go Van and pickup the pieces of your heart."

I listen to her and I know she is telling the truth. I have my answer and god knows it wasn't the answer that I wanted. "Thanks Nora" I say leaning on her shoulder.

She says nothing and we listen to the rain that pours outside. It falls with the same intensity as my tears. I let my friend hold me as I let go of the man that I thought was my soul mate and adjust to the idea that we are not meant to be.

(John's POV)

Sitting in the dark I listen to the storm outside of my window. I've sat in the same spot for hours waiting for her. Willing her to come to me. The clock says 9:45pm and each time a minute rolls by my heart aches more. Why did I tell her that tonight was the night for her final decision? Of course I should have given her more time. You don't place a time limit on the love we share.

I am such a fucking idiot. Now what? She doesn't show and I'm supposed to keep my bargain and let her go! How in the hell am I going to do that? I can't loose her not now not when I know so clearly what I want. She told me to be honest with her and she would be there. Well granted it took me two years later but I was honest dammit.

Reaching for the phone I call room service and order a burger and three beers. I can't leave my room. I can't move it hurts too much. Hanging up I look at the phone. Maybe I should call her and ask her if she's coming. I mean its 9:55 now the night isn't over. Plus its raining outside she could be delayed.

That's what it is she's stuck at home not wanting to drive in the storm. Reaching for the phone my hand stops and I clench it into a fist. I want her back but Sister Clancy was right. It's no longer about me and my wants. It's about us. If she thinks that she's had enough I have to find a way to accept that. I have to find a way to let go.

Sitting back I stare at the clock and watch the time roll by each minute passes to the next and I am beginning to accept that love sometimes isn't enough. Thinking about her and the moments we shared I smile. I will never forget what she taught me. I'm a better man because of it. Damn this will be hard.

Hearing the knock at the door I look at it hopeful and call out "Who is it?"
"Room Service" a man responds.

I shake my head disappointed and contemplate not answering it. What's the point I can't eat sleep or drink now. The knock becomes more persistent and I grimace at the intrusion slowly rising from my seat. Slinging the door open the waiter with my food smiles and hands me my bill to sign. I frown at him not pulling the cart in but sign it anyway. Handing it back to him I'm suddenly surprised by the person who steps into my view. Next to the tray is my lady smiling in a raincoat and heels. I stare at her stunned as she puts her hands on her hips expectantly.

"The way I see it you owe me some damn happiness McBain….besides you know I hate to sleep alone when it's raining outside."

I step back as she pushes the cart of food and drinks in pass me. Closing the door I watch her and I still can't find my voice. I mean I thought….no I prayed that she would choose us but maybe I really didn't believe it.

She stands before me in her rain coat covered in large droplets from the storm outside. Her hair flat and damp against her head and her hands on her hips she looks like the temptress I know her to be.

Walking into the dark suite I wish that I had the lights on so I could see her face more clearly but her hold on me only allows me to approach with my hands in my pocket.

"Does this mean that you want us? That you want me." I ask cautiously

She smiles sexily and undoes the wide belt holding her knee length black Burberry raincoat closed. I watch as it falls open to reveal her red lacy bra and panties. She drops the coat from her shoulders and walks to me. "I got it bad John. Doesn't matter what my mind says my heart wants what it wants."

She's in my arms before I know it and I immediately give into the kiss that I've been wanting since our last one. She taste so sweet and I know its just my obsession with her that makes me crave every part of her body. Running my hands down her back as we kiss I can't believe that she's mine again. I know there's still work to come for us but I'm willing to do anything to make her happy.

She lets go of our embrace and takes me by the hand to my bed, climbing onto it with her I lay my head on her breast as she holds me in her arms. I listen to her heart beat as she strokes my hair. It's been a long road to this moment and I'm so very tired.

Tired of fighting demons that almost destroyed me, tired of running from love and true intimacy, tired of not having enough faith in my own ability to be happy and make the one woman that I loved the most miserable in the process. I 'm tired of it all.

"John…"
"Yes" I say wrapping my arms around her waist and snuggling her close.
"You haven't said much" she says softly.
"I don't want to mess it up. I'm so scared that at any moment you could change your mind and leave me. I just want to lay here and be with you."
She laughs lightly "Baby I'm not going anywhere."

I raise my head from her chest and look up into her face. "Are you sure? You had so many reasons why you weren't willing to come back to me Van."

"And none of them outweighed my number one reason for choosing us."
I look into her eyes in the darkness and see her warmth and forgiveness "What's that?"
"Well….I sat in my place and watched the rain and said goodbye to us. I actually got up to call you and tell you that I wouldn't be coming. Then it hit me."

Rising up on my elbow I hovered over her and she touched my face gently. "What hit you? What changed your mind?"

"I don't need perfection, I don't need contentment. I need my man back plain and simple. I see you John, all of you and I love every flaw that's laced with good intentions and a extremely large heart. I could never let you go, my heart wouldn't allow it."

"So are we starting over? Is this a new beginning?" I ask grinning down at her.

"I don't want to start over. I want to continue on this path of discovery and honesty. I want to remember how hard you had to fight to come back tome. I want to celebrate our success in overcoming your ghosts, Natalie, secrets, lies and deceit. We beat it all baby. You beat it all!"

I run my fingers through her wet hair then touch her face. "I love you Van and I'm so sorry I didn't tell you that for so long, I plan to say it everyday going forward. There will never be a moment that you don't feel and understand my love for you"

She pulls me to her face and we kiss again. Rolling on top of her she parts her legs and I press my desire into her through my pants. Grinding against her my need for her now has become animalistic and I press her further into the bed, not paying to the way that I'm overcoming her and she doesn't flinch but pulls at my shirt trying to remove it from me.

I rise up and pull the shirt over my head as she reaches for my belt, desperate to have her I push her hands away and pull at my pants releasing myself and kicking them off. Kissing the inside of her neck I reach down for her panties and pull at them while she lifts her hips underneath me to help me pull them free.

Pulling down the strap of her bra I kiss her shoulder. Sliding my hand down I caress her breast pull it free from the cup of her bra. I don't have the patience to remove the bra and once her nipple is erect from being twirled in between my fingers, I take it into my mouth. God how could I forget how her delicious she taste, how could I have ever walked away?

Placing my hand between her legs I stroke her using my thumb to massage her love button while slipping my other two fingers inside her. She digs her nails into my back as I increase my method she cries out in ecstasy.

I want to go slow I really do. I mean I've thought about this moment for years. I envisioned a 100 ways to seduce her and then make love to her again. But my need for her now is making me crazy with desire. I can't wait another minute. I hear her calling my name at the way I'm teasing her by pulling my fingers in and out of her wet with her desire for me.

Kissing her lips softly I silence her cries and guide myself into her. Her warmth and tightness makes me shiver as the head of my penis pushes through. Driving deeper into her I groan and bite down on my lip unable to comprehend the extreme since of relief that washes over me.

This is where I belong, this feels so right. Burying my face in her hair I smell her scent and chew on my bottom lip again while rotating my hips trying to get further and further inside of her. I want to disappear in her. Pushing her long legs back I rise up and look into her face while making love to her. She's moaning and her eyes are closed but seeing the confirmation that she feels it too makes me more determined to drive her over the edge with me.

I keep up the pace that her body demands as I feel my urge to let go over powering my senses. Finding it hard to breathe I wheeze and try to focus but the pounding of my heart threatening to escape my ribcage is making me weaker with every thrust.

"I love you" I manage to moan and she opens her eyes and looks in my face. That seductive smile of hers creeps on her face as she watches me loose control. Matching my rhythm and reaching for me she whispers "Oh god John I love you too."

That was it. We both let go of the pain and hurt, love and desire we have with each other and the surrender is so so sweet.