The Beast Wars' Secret Diaries

The secret diary of Optimus Primal, season 1

DAY 1: We appeared to have landed on a mysterious planet. Due to the unusual high Energon levels, I'm now sporting this monkey suit. Rattrap says I look good in it. Go me!

DAY 2: Despite that turbulent first day, I have decided that this is not a bad planet. We also have a new comrade called Dinobot to fight with us in our battle against the Predacons. He's not bad, if you look past the fact that he tried to kill me as soon as we met.

I wonder why he left Megatron's team?

DAY 3: I'm sick already of Cheetor. He keeps insisting he's as good as anyone else on the team. Yeah Riiiiight, that's why his mum bribed his way into the academy with cookies.

They're not bad really.

Anyway, Cheetor went missing today and Rhinox send Rattrap to find him. Stupid cat.

DAY 4: What on Cybertron is with Cheetor and getting into trouble? Why he's shooting back and forth between the bases, I don't know? And Dinobot seems to be grinning a lot lately.

Is Rattrap staring at me a lot, or is it just me?

DAY 5: I'm starting to hate my mother.

She was the one who told me to be captain of a ship. It's easy work, dear. You'll get a great and loyal crew, dear.

Not to mention getting trapped and probed by some alien thing.

I wish I had Tetris in here

DAY 5(later): I'm gone for ONE HOUR and the crew picks a new leader?

Loyal crew my aft. Thanks a lot, Mom.

DAY 6: I'm starting to worry about Rattrap. During patrol today, he was a bit too eager to ride on my back. I also think he's trying to grope me when I'm not watching.

In Pred news, Terrorsuar got high on hemp, thought he was Britney Spears and began to dance around the skies in front us signing "Hit me baby one more time".

Rattrap keeps staring at me. Now it's getting creepy.

DAY 7: I'm staring to worry about Dinobot's grip on realty. He was telling the rest of the Maximals about how "glorious" my "glorious funeral" is going to be.

I was shot in the arm! I'm not dying!

Why is it, I have to do everything? I'm unconscious and I still have to do all the work with the stasis pod!

Still, Dinobot gets a promotion for tricking the Predacons into dancing the cancan in front of an Axalon security camera.

Wait, he was the one who said he would organise my funeral.

…. Forget about the promotion.

DAY 8: Seeing the protofrom that the Preds got and the one we got, I've decided that we got screwed!

WHY can't we get a hot spider babe over here? Rattrap might stop staring at me.

Speaking of whom, I sent Rattrap on a "super secret spy mission" to the Pred base as a fake traitor. Six Predacons, four Maximals and he still came back.

Stupid Predacons. Stupid Rattrap.

WHY WON'T HE STOP STARING AT ME!

DAY 9: The quest to make Rattrap stop staring at me continues.

He asked me if I liked bananas. I said yes. He asked me if I like whipped cream. I said yes. He asked me if I like whipped cream and bananas on rat.

After that, I ran very fast.

In other news, a probe from Cybertron came and then left.

The quest continues. Damn probe.

Day 10: If that $$($&( rat looks at me one more $$$ time, I'll $££ kick his ($! And everyone on this $))$R() planet can kiss my $$$($, and that includes the Maximals.

Yeah, and you too, Mom! #$.

DAY 11: I asked Rhinox to try and solve my rat problem. He built a computer system to kill Rattrap. He's a good friend.

Rattrap's still alive.

Stupid computer. Stupid Rhinox.

DAY 12: Man I wish we had cable. Adding a laugh track would make it much more funny when the Preds blow themselves up.

So, thank to Dinobot the Axalon will never fly again, and thank for laughing when I told you Rattrap was sending me valentines.

Damn Dinobot. Your patrolling the lava pits next time.

DAY 13: Rhinox is never to leave the base again. Five minutes after he left the base he got turned into a Pred.

Dinobot returned from patrolling the lava pits. Is it me, or does he seem scared of Rattrap?

Primus, can we have just ONE female for Rattrap to go after?

DAY 14: I had the prefect plan get rid of Rattrap. Megatron owed me a favour for saying he can have the next stasis pod after the next with no Maximal inference.

So he cloned Dinobot, which should have worked. I mean, one Rattrap against two Dinobots? Easy.

But wrong. Rattrap offered to show the clone how to "chomp" a rat and it immediately committed suicide.

Damnit, I gave up a stasis pod for that!

DAY 15: I let Rhinox leave the base again and what does he bring back from a stasis pod?

Proof that Primus hates me and that having Rattrap annoy me is my punishment.

Why is that flat-chest girl is staring at me?

ewww.

DAY 16: Great. The creepy broad and the tiger hippie decided to cruise around the wilderness for a while. They give us a call. Oh nice, they found a floating island armed with weapons.

I told them to investigate. If the island killed them, Rattrap and Cheetor were going up next.

Primus damnit, his mom's cookies were good, but not that good!

In the end, the island was destroyed. Flat-Chest and Tree-Hugger are still alive.

Damn floating islands.

DAY 17: That clone was worth something after all. What a crazy looking ant.

It almost got rid of Tigatron. Must try harder tomorrow.

Rattrap is still staring at me.

DAY 18: Ook! OoK ook ook. Ooook

Um.

Damn beast mode! Ook.

DAY 19: The next time I send all my useless and creepy troops out to get killed, make sure they get killed.

They were blind and yet they STILL beat Waspinator and Terrorsuar!

Damn Flyers, can't they do anything right!

DAY 20: I made sure Rattrap went on patrol with Dinobot this week.

Strange thing is, Rattrap seemed to enjoy that as well. Dinobot runs, screaming, from Rattrap now.

Starscream' ghost possessed Waspinator. Whatever.

Oh, got to wear my cool new sunglasses today. Rattrap said they made me look hot.

… That's the sound of lava eating through glasses, oh yeah.

DAY 21: The one day we should have let Rhinox out of the base. Primus that smelled bad!

What was Airazor doing against my leg?

Ewww I need to bleach myself. And what was Rattrap thinking touching my shoulder cannon.

Hellooo! My personal space! Stay out of it or I'll break you.

DAY 22: Primus, will Tigatron EVER shut up about this planet? Oh, boohoo, the trees are on fire, oh, cry cry, we hurt a duck or sparrow or stone or something. He's worse then Cheetor. Geez.

Maybe we can trade him for Inferno. At least Inferno doesn't whine.

Dinobot started a pool back at base: Who Thinks Tigatron Was Shagging That Other Tiger?

I'm in it for ten credits. Dinobot says he has proof the tiger was shagging Tigatron.

Either way, ew.

You know, for an "honorable warrior," Dinobot's pretty strange.

DAY 23: I finally found a use for Cheetor.

He has pot! Nice, quality pot. Hmmmmm. Mmmm.

Maybe he's not so bad after all.

In other news…whoa, I've got hands…I talked with this really cool talking head today about monkeys and munchies and why I'm flattered, but Rattrap scares me. The talking head said it was a ruse, really, but nyah, I know otherwise.

For some reason, that weirdo Tigatron…dude, stripes, heheheh, coooool…yeah, well, he broke in the Predahead base and found out some bad stuff.

Yeah. Heheheheheh.

Whoa…heya Rattrap…whazzzzup?

DAY 24: Egh. Did I get hit on the head by a mallet?

I KNOW Dinobot has some pictures of me and Rattrap and I want them BACK! And destroyed!

That's it, Cheetor's going down.

Huh. Seems like we have a truce now with Megatron. And that second moon in the sky is transforming to a giant missile launcher.

…I'm not still high, am I?

DAY 25 : I am at my wits' end, but finally, freedom in sight! I'm in a stasis pod now, writing to you from about a hundred miles from that stupid crew and stupid planet.

They think I'm going off to destroy the alien device. Heheheh. Riiiiight. Cybertron, here I come!

I hate this planet. And I hate this crew! And screw off to the Axalon, Pimping life here I come!

……Megatron? What?

……

Crap.