The Beast Wars' Secret Diaries
The secret diary of Rhinox, season 1
DAY 1: Despite my best efforts, it seems we landed... or crashed. Anyway.
Great, no more batteries for me! My chainguns need forty SuperEnergizers apiece, but with all this Energon I'm set for life.
What in the Pit is this horn doing on my nose?
DAY 2: For reasons unknown to us, Optimus let that Predacon drifter join our ranks. He doesn't seem so bad. He's grinning a lot.
Wished I had my chainguns in beast mode. Wipe that smile right off his face!
Optimus was glaring at me earlier today. Like I would give him a ride to the huge SuperEnergizer Energon Mountain. Pleeeese!
DAY 3: Cheetor is really annoying everyone.
And Rattrap seems to be trying to grope Optimus.
I would like to help Optimus, him being our commander and all, so I sent Rattrap out to find Cheetor. The kid got his head stuck in a gopher hole. I was hoping Rattrap wouldn't come back.
Why is he always around me? He's not my friend.
Well at least it's not me he's groping.
DAY 4: Looks like the Preds are keeping busy. But I really wonder what's the point of building a device to shoot Cheetor back and forth between the bases. Maybe it's chemical warfare?
DAY 5: Okay, I want to know why I wasn't nominated for leader!
Like a grinning Pred deadhead and a pervert rat with eager hands are good candidates.
Oh, Primus…this crew. Rhinox, Optimus is gone! Rhinox, Optimus left the door open! Rhinox, Optimus was eaten by a giant alien construct! Rhinox, the toilet is clogged!
Can't they do anything by themselves? And as for the toilet, I can't help it if I can't I had the bean burrito!
DAY 6: Optimus is starting to worry me. He keeps mentioning that the walls have eyes and furry rat butts. I think the stress of keeping ahead of Rattrap is getting to him.
Damnit, I need to get out of the base more, Terrorsaur found a mountain of Super SuperEnergizer energon…and I missed it!
My chainguns weep.
DAY 7: Whoohoo! I finally got to use my babies!
Big Rhinox and the Twins, teehehehe.
That bridge never stood a chance.
Then again…can anyone explain to me just WHY we couldn't let Megatron shoot some tigers? Not like they were Maximals.
Well, one was, but that's beside the point.
Tigatron. Hm.
DAY 8: I'm getting more worried about Optimus. He's started talking to himself about the walls again.
Good news, Optimus did have a plan to get rid of Rattrap. Bad news, Rattrap came back from the Pred base.
Slaggit.
I just KNOW Optimus is going to make me patrol with him next time… and he'll probably ask for an "accident" to happen.
Well, if that happens, he owes me eighty more batteries. My Twins are hungry! They want MORE.
DAY 9: We almost made it back home today.
Despite this, I'm actually pleased we didn't. That damn High Command would have taken all the batteries for themselves and their stupid wars.
My twins need them. They still want more…
It was kinda fun staying in Beast Mode.
Day 10: I wonder if I can get some cyber-bees. Maybe then Dinobot won't come back...
Okay, so he's not as bad as Rattrap. But what the SLAG is with him grinning at me all the time?
In other news, Optimus went on a rampage today. And these people wonder why I never leave the base?
And am I the only one surprised that Rattrap didn't beat Dinobot when Dinobot brought Optimus flowers? Am I?
DAY 11: Once again I prove that without me, the Maximals would still be trying to open the CR door.
Can anyone explain why Dinobot is so enthusiastic about the security system? "Sentinel" is code word for "mouse trap."
But like anyone expects warriors to think.
Come to think of it, was that a TEAR in his optic when everyone thought Rattrap was dead?
Hm. Maybe he was sobbing openly because he was so happy.
Gee…I'm almost sorry I disappointed him.
DAY 12: I thought I was happy yesterday. Moreso today! The SupaEnergizers of this world belong to ME! ONLY ME! Bwahahahahahah!
….er.
Anyway. The Axalon will never fly again, such a shame, such a shame.
Okay, who was Rattrap trying to fool when he was talking about all the females missing him on Cybertron? All the males there are surely celebrating that he's stuck with us.
That's why I can't make my celebration more apparent. Optimus would pound me.
DAY 13: You know, being a Pred was fun. I mean it, really! I could shoot everyone with the twins of Rhinox Power and no one complained!
Hm. If only the place hadn't smelled so bad. Is Megatron the only one who takes a bath?
Stupid Optimus! WHY did he have to turn me back? I was THIS close to getting a date with Blackarachnia.
DAY 14: It looks like I'll need to reload the twins every day now.
That creepy Dinobot not only got himself cloned, but ATE IT when he was bored with playing with it!
That's so ew.
And what if he gives Rattrap ideas?
…double ew.
DAY 15: Okay, so Blackarachnia she's not.
But Airazor is NOT THAT BAD looking!
Optimus is just mad that Rattrap will still be staring at him.
Transformers don't need bosoms. They need nice compact bodies with room for more twin chain-guns to attach.
Oh, yeah, that's right baby.
But my lovely lust-filled lady declined my offer to stay at base. sigh She says she wants more distance for now, before she really decides on having chain-guns mounted on her shoulders and knees and wrists.
What's there really to think about?
DAY 16: I do not like Tigatron
He somehow ended up with MY Airazor! Damnit, I made her, she's mine!
Just because he saved her on some floating island.
That's it, my twins are staying with me!
… She so heartless, but I want her so. sigh
DAY 17: I found reason to like that new Pred. Other than the fact he can't sit down, which is funny…
He almost killed Tigatron! Airazor was almost mine again!
….tramp.
…stupid Predacon.
For giving me such hope in these dark times, I must now kill the ant.
DAY 18: …… Ergh!
Mind….weakening…. growing dumb!
Damn…… horned…… beast mode.
DAY 19: I'm getting suspicious of Optimus now.
For some reason, he sent ME out with the creepy rat, the weird raptor, and Cheetor. The purpose? To mine energon.
HELLO? What was wrong with our usual style of waiting till the Preds mined some, then stealing it from them?
So we end up getting blasted and all of us lose our sight.
I…am REALLY wondering about Optimus now.
Why is it that I am always the person everyone looks to for miracles? Do I see this kind of attention on payday?
Maybe I should've listen to Ma and became a reprogrammer.
We got to the base.
And still no pay rise!
DAY 20: Boy, what humiliating day.
Waspinator seemed to have been possessed by some evil Decepticon and not only did we lose the fight but the Preds took our base.
Still, maybe they'll commit suicide when they find the stuff in Rattrap's room.
Also, Dinobot needs to lose some weight. What has he been eating, zebra herds?
DAY 21: I've found the perfect way to get back at all these worthless morons (and that tramp)…wild bean vines!
That's right! Add those to a nifty little cough drop, courtesy of Scorpinok, and my days of ruling the Axalon are now! Er, make that the pieces of the Axalon…
And for the record, wild bean vines are NOT hard to digest! That was all Optimus' fault. He complained all the way home…what did he EXPECT Ex-Lax covered beans to do?
DAY 22: I may still have a chance with Airazor.
Apparently that creepy Tigatron has been doing something icky with a real tiger.
What real tiger, in its right or wrong mind, would want TIGATRON?
Ew.
Dinobot's started a pool as to who thinks Tigatron was shagging the tiger. I'm in it for twenty credits. Everyone KNOWS he's a creepy, and this bestiality may be just what I need…
Later…
Okay, who here would have EVER imagined that Airazor tramp was into organic animals too!
DAY 23: I now learnt what I should have concluded along time ago.
This crew is Slagging nuts! Unbelievable insane!
It maybe in my best interest to just kill them all… but there's still that tiny chance Airazor may see the error of her ways.
Grr. That moron Tigatron got himself lost in the Preds' base, so we had to save his butt. And what did he find out from all this? The fact that Inferno likes to spy on Megatron in the hot tub.
That is just way too much information for my liking.
Is Optimus acting strange, or is it just me?
He actually let Rattrap TOUCH him…
And Dinobot just won't SHUT UP or stop laughing!
…he's the first one that'll go. After Tigatron.
DAY 24: Heh. Optimus WAS high yesterday!
That explains the noises from his quarters, at least…
Huh. So now we have a truce with Megatron.
Can anyone ELSE tell me why we're being led by a crackhead who lets Rattrap grope him? Can anyone else ALSO explain why I'm not the leader still?
Primus damn stupid democracy.
…and Optimus insists he's not high still. Yeah, Primal, like giant renditions of Unicron appear every day here.
What did I ever do to deserve this?
DAY 25: Well, here I am in the CR chamber again, writing what may be my last journal. For once and for all, Optimus has proven he cannot live with the shame of letting Rattrap grope him repeatedly over the course of a day. Hence, he is taking our only stasis pod to attack the enemy moon.
…I'm glad I can say that with a straight face, hehehe.
Hey, HE was the one that told me my big twins couldn't have more add-ons or batteries! So it's not my fault at all that I, in a rage, set that stasis pod to explode on impact with any giant alien artefact thingies.
Oh, it's so good to be me.
…so Optimus is the first one to go, not Tigatron. Huh. Better rewrite my Bad List later…cheerios, Primal!
It is so good to be me. Oh, yeah baby, yeah.
Next diary: Scopinok