Trigger warning for the contents of this chapter.

6 July 1932

"Do you think she'll be able to tell?"

"Do I think who will be able to tell what?"

"Lady Hulton. Do you think she'll be able to tell that we've just be at it like wild animals?"

Siegfried looked over at Lily, sat in the passenger seat of the car, and laughed. "Well, if you have that inane grin on your face, I'm sure she might have an inkling." His gaze dropped to her blouse. "You also might want to double check your buttons." Looking down quickly, her hands flew to the delicate buttons, mismatched as they were after a hasty re-dress. "Much better, though I confess that I do like to see you in various states of undress."

"Is my 'air all right?" she asked, running her fingers through it. "Does it look like I've been dragged through an 'edge backwards?"

"Not at all. Besides, if memory serves, you were astride me." He watched as a blush washed over her cheeks. "I think blushing might also give it away."

"Then stop reminding me of it," she replied, "and I won't blush."

"Ah, but it's such a difficult memory to displace. I doubt I could ever think enough about you. I'm just thankful that Reverend Thwaite is due back this week. We can finally make proper plans." He made the turning onto the road that led to Hulton Hall, almost blinded by the warm afternoon sunshine. As he pulled up at the front door, Margaret Hulton appeared on the steps.

"Good afternoon," she greeted them warmly. "So lovely to see you both."

"Lovely to see you too," he replied. "I trust you're well?"

"Oh yes, no complaints here. I'm just dashing out to pay a call, so I hope you don't mind if I just let you get on with things. Soames is expecting you round at the stables."

"It's very kind, thank you," Lily said.

"Not at all, my dear," she replied, taking Lily's hands between her own. "It's a standing invitation! I do enjoy seeing you come here to ride. You had us all worried for a time."

Siegfried watched as Lily smiled at the other woman and felt relieved that her greetings were always so warm. When he had first suggested they come riding, she had been nervous about returning to Hulton Hall convinced, as she seemed to be about everyone, that they too would somehow think she had been given what she had deserved for believing herself to be 'above her station'. He had tried to reassure her that wasn't the case, but he knew she hadn't believed him, her anxiety only dispelling after the first visit. Her return to Skeldale House was also progressing well, with no-one so much as batting an eyelid at her accompanying him on the few occasions that she had. Although, admittedly, he had only been able to coax her out of the kitchen for a short period each time.

"You 'ave to give 'er time," Mrs Hall had opined. "It's a lot for 'er."

"Yes, I do realise that, but the longer she leaves it, the less she'll feel able to do it," he had replied, in the steadfast belief that he was right. "I won't have her squander her potential because of what she perceives people to be saying about her."

"Well, I must dash," Margaret said, breaking back into his thoughts. "Have a lovely time!"

"We will, thank you," he reassured her, before taking Lily's hand in his as they walked around the house towards the stables.

"Imagine living in an 'ouse as big as this," she said, craning her neck to look up at the magnificence of Hulton Hall. "I'd get lost."

"Think of all the bedrooms."

She turned back to look at him and laughed, "Is that all you can think about Siegfried Farnon?"

"Mostly, yes." He turned in time to see Soames making his way towards them leading Largo and Aria by their bridles. "Thank you, Soames," he said, taking hold of Largo and mounting him with as much finesse as he could manage.

Lily seemed hesitant as she stood waiting to be assisted, and he thought he recognised a mild look of panic flitting across her face as she swung her leg over Aria's back, but it was quickly replaced with a look of relief once she was settled.

"Now, you know where you're going?" Soames asked.

"Yes, I thought we'd just tread the same path as usual," he replied. "And besides, it does appear as though the horses know their way."

"Indeed, they do," Soames replied. "Grand weather for it at any rate."

"That it is." With a swish of tails, they turned and made their way along and down towards the forest track, him taking the lead at first, before pulling up slightly so that they could walk side by side. "How does it feel?"

"Fine," Lily replied.

"You're not in any pain?"

"You ask me that every time."

"My apologies, I don't mean to…"

"It's nice," she smiled, "I like that you care."

"I'm not sure care really quite covers it. But as long as you're all right."

"I might be a bit saddle sore later."

"I should say."

She met his gaze and laughed, her cheeks flushing again slightly. "You're a wicked man, Siegfried Farnon. If 'er Ladyship thought for one minute that you'd only brought me up 'ere because you wanted to 'ave your wicked way with me…"

"I'm sure she'd be terribly impressed with my ingenuity. Besides, what could be better than combining two of my passions; horses and you?"

"I'll take that as a compliment."

"You should, it was meant as one." They rode on in silence for a while, before he decided to venture once more to the topic of her work at Skeldale House. "Will you come to surgery tomorrow?"

"Do you want me to?"

"Of course I do. I wouldn't have suggested it if I didn't. It's been going well, hasn't it?"

"I suppose."

"What do you mean, you suppose? You've done admirably well every time, and no-one has uttered a word in disapproval."

"Like I've said before, they're hardly likely to do it to my face, are they, or yours. I bet Henry Dindsale 'ad plenty to tell Jean after that incident with 'is cow."

"Is that what's been worrying you? Lily, it was weeks ago."

"Well, you 'eard what 'e said."

"Yes, and I chose to ignore it, as should you. Some of the people around here just need to open their eyes to progress." He paused as they entered the shaded wood. "Before your accident you were as keen as mustard, and I want to see that from you again. I know it's in there."

"Well, I wouldn't want to disappoint you."

Her tone brought him up sharply and he glanced over to see her face pinched. "That's not…you could never disappoint me, Lily, never. I'm sorry if that's how it has come across but…I want this for you because I know that you can do it."

"I've seen 'ow exasperated you've been with Tristan at times."

"But that's a completely different thing! He's my brother and it's quite clear he lacks the motivation to make something of his life, so I need to push him. I don't need to push you, at least I don't think I do. You've said that it's what you would like."

"I know," she met his gaze and smiled. "I suppose I just worry 'ow things might be between us if you were to teach me, so to speak."

"Well, they were fine before, weren't they?"

"Yes…"

"Well then."

"But it could be different if we're living under the same roof, trying to 'ave a personal relationship as well as a professional one." She paused. "I suppose, what I'm trying to say is, I've waited a long time to 'ave someone, to love someone, and I don't want that to somehow be less because you're trying to teach me 'ow to 'elp birth a pig."

He laughed, "Well, I shall give you my solemn promise that I shall do nothing to endanger the true nature of our loving relationship, how does that sound?"

"Well, it sounds…" she broke off as something suddenly shot out of the undergrowth near Aria's feet, causing the horse to suddenly take fright and rear up on her hind legs. Somewhat helplessly he watched as, before he could do anything, Aria took off down the path ahead, Lily clinging to her back.

"Lily!" he pushed Largo to follow, the horse obeying instantly, and he thundered behind her, any words or sounds she might have been making lost to him. "Lily, pull the reins! Pull…!" Before the rest of the words could leave his mouth, Aria veered suddenly to the right, unseating her rider, and sending Lily plummeting to the ground, where she landed face first with a thud. "Lily!" Pulling Largo to a sharp halt, he leapt from the saddle and rushed over to her. "Lily…?" he could hear her gasping for air. "Don't try to move, you could have broken something."

"Can't…breathe…"

"You've just winded yourself. Take nice deep breaths, that's it. In and out…in and out…" he glanced quickly over her form, unable to see anything that looked dangerously out of place.

"Bloody… 'ell…" she groaned as he ran his hands gently down her limbs.

"Does that hurt?"

"No, I…I don't think so…" she started to raise herself up by her hands and ever so slowly drew her knees up before gently turning so that she was sitting on her bottom. "She…didn't 'alf take fright…"

"Yes, I know. It must have been a rabbit or a fox or something," he replied, glancing over to where Aria was standing a few feet away, her bowed almost as though she knew she had done wrong. "She seems fine though."

"You should…check 'er over."

"I'm more concerned about you under the circumstances. Can you identify any pain anywhere?"

She paused, as though considering his question, and then shook her head. "No, I don't think so. I'm think…I think I'm fine. Probably just got more of a fright then anything."

"You and me both. Do you think you can stand?"

"I think so." She lifted her hand, and he gingerly helped her upright. "Well, I seem to 'ave come off better this time than in me dad's van."

"Two very different incidents," he said, glancing at her clothes, dirty from the forest floor. "How does it feel to walk?"

She took a few steps forwards and nodded, "It feels all right."

"Well, that's a relief."

"Only me pride that's 'urt at the end of the day."

"Don't be ridiculous," he said, sliding his arms gently around her, "You clung on marvellously. I'm sure that if she hadn't changed direction, you would have been able to bring her to a stop."

"I admire your faith in me," she smiled. "Though I 'ave to say that I'm not sure an encounter in the cottage…"

"Oh, good heavens, no! Not after what's just happened. No, we shall make our way back to Hulton Hall and I'll ask her Ladyship to call Dr Bellamy."

"You'll do no such thing," she said, "I don't need a doctor."

"It might be an idea just to have him look over you…"

"No!" she said sharply. "I've 'ad my fill of doctors, thank you very much. As you can see, I'm completely fine. An 'ot bath tonight for the aching bones and I'll be right as rain."

"A hot bath?" he raised his eyebrows, "what a delightful image."

She slapped him affectionately on the arm, before turning to look at Aria. "Perhaps I might be safer walking 'er back."

"They do say that if you fall off a horse, you should get straight back on again."

"Because if I don't, I'll always be afraid?" she met his gaze, and he could tell she was alluding to more than just horse-riding.

"Well, yes."

With a sigh, she walked over to the animal and took hold of her reins, gently guiding her back to where he was waiting. "Well then, can I trouble you for a 'and up?"

XXXX

"I think Siegfried's right," Margaret said, upon hearing of what had befallen her. "It's no trouble to ring Dr Bellamy."

"I can assure you, I'm fine," she said firmly. "I've no need of the doctor. Like I said to Siegfried, I'll 'ave an 'ot bath later and that will be that."

"Well, if you're sure…"

"I am sure," she said, looking between them both. "Really, it was nothing." It wasn't entirely true, of course. It hadn't been exactly pleasant, hitting the ground at the speed at which she had, and, for a moment, she had wondered if she had done herself a mischief but, to her immense relief, she felt fine, just a little bit achy, not to mention thankful that it hadn't been worse. At Siegfried's insistence, she had ridden Aria back to the house and though trepidatious at first, she had felt more confident as the journey had progressed.

"Let me drive you home then," Siegfried said. "No doubt I shall have to explain to your father what happened."

"Why should you 'ave to explain anything?"

"Well, I'm sure he'll take one look at you and…"

"I'm more than capable of telling 'im that I fell off the 'orse," she replied. "I don't need you speaking for me."

"No, I wasn't suggesting that I should speak for you, rather…take the blame, as it were."

"You don't need to take any blame. I'm well able to account for myself."

"I only want to…"

"Siegfried…" she held up her hand, unwilling to listen to any more of his protestations. "Please, can we just leave it? I can deal with my own father."

"As you wish. Come then, let me take you home." Biding Margaret farewell, she followed him out of the house and back to the car, where he chivalrously held the door for her before hurrying around to the driver's side. As he pulled away and began driving back down towards the road, she saw him glance at her repeatedly, as though he had something to say and yet was afraid to.

"Spit it out," she said finally as they made their way towards Windy Hill.

"Spit what out?"

"Whatever it is you're wanting to say."

"I just…I feel responsible, that's all."

"For me falling off?"

"For being the one to persuade you to go riding again in the first place. If I hadn't then…"

"Then I wouldn't 'ave fallen off."

"Precisely."

"Much like, if you 'adn't shown me 'ow to treat listeriosis, I wouldn't 'ave been at George Sharp's farm that night?" He opened his mouth but said nothing. "Siegfried…what 'appened this afternoon was no more your fault that what 'appened that night. It were bad luck, is all. Besides, I 'ave to own my own decisions. It were my choice to go to the farm that night and it were my choice to ride Aria today. You're not to blame."

"As you say."

"I do say," she reached over and took his hand in hers. "Besides, what's my dad going to say anyway other than call me stupid?"

"Well, I'd rather he called me stupid than you."

"That's very gallant of you, but I don't need you to fight my battles for me, not when it comes to 'im." As they pulled up into the yard at Windy Hill, she saw her father coming out of the shed, stopping when he saw the car approaching. "Besides, if it weren't for the state of my clothes, I woudn't 'ave to tell 'im anything."

"You're back early," Tom said, as they got out of the car. He gestured to her. "What 'appened 'ere then?"

"I fell off."

"Fell off?" Tom's gaze instantly shifted to Siegfried. "'ow did that happen then?"

"Aria took fright at an animal, and she took off," he explained. "Lily did wonderfully well to hang on for as long as she did."

"Aye well…" Tom said. "It's dangerous, riding. Best be more careful in the future, lass. You've already survived one accident and we don't want to be back in that situation again, do we Siegfried?"

"Oh no, absolutely not."

"The pair of you are 'onestly acting as though she threw me ten feet in the air," she said. "I'm fine! I'm going to make myself a brew and sit down for 'alf an hour before I start on the tea. Does anyone 'ave a problem with that?" Both men shook their heads. "Good. Thank you for today," she leaned over and kissed Siegfried's cheek.

"You're most welcome," he replied. "I shall see you tomorrow?"

"Yes, I'm sure you shall."

"Well, I'll take my leave then. Tom."

"Siegfried." He got back into his car, raising his hand as he turned in the yard and made his way back down to the road. "It were 'is idea to go riding, weren't it?" Tom asked when they were alone.

"Don't start, Dad. I thought we were past all this," she sighed.

"Past all what?"

"You, trying to give 'im an 'ard time when 'e doesn't deserve it. I'm a grown woman and I can make my own decisions."

"I'm your father, lass," he replied. "I'll never stop worrying about you. Never stop caring about you or loving you. Don't ever forget that."

"I won't," she replied, turning for the kitchen. After brewing the kettle, she sat down in one of the armchairs in the sitting room, enjoying the silence and thinking about the two men in her life. They were both so different and yet, seemed to have a common goal in ensuring that she was safe and cared for. With Siegfried, there had always seemed little doubt of that but, when it came to her father…she still hadn't forgotten the things he had said in the past, nor the things he had done. Touching the top of her head, she recalled him slamming it back against the wall, not to mention the lies she had told Dr Bellamy, and Siegfried, about what had happened. Him laying hands on her was likely a secret she would take to her grave.

After dinner had been cooked, consumed and cleared away, she excused herself and went upstairs to partake of the hot bath she had earlier described. It was a luxury to use so much water, but if ever she felt she deserved it, it was that evening. As she sank into the warm depths, she felt her body relax and any aches and pains melt away. She thought back on the events of the day, smiling at the memory of how desperate she and Siegfried had been for one another and grimacing at the memory of falling from Aria. It had certainly been an eventful day, if nothing else.

Trailing her hands over her body, she tried to think of herself as Siegfried saw her, as someone to be desired, needed, cherished. She had never really considered herself to be much to look at. Her stomach was prone to bloating, her breasts smaller than she would perhaps have liked, her legs not as shapely…it was a wonder sometimes as to what he saw in her and, yet, he must see something, wanting her as much as she did. She thought back to their last night in her bed, when she had told him that she would never refuse him and he had reminded her that there would be times when she would need to, such as when she had her monthly…

She paused, suddenly, on that thought. Her monthly. When had she last had it? For years it had been a familiar penance that she had suffered month after month. The pain, the bleeding, the overall feeling of inconvenience. Even when she had been in the hospitals in York, Skipton and in Bexley, she had had to contend with it, embarrassed when others had required to assist her. But, now, she suddenly realised that it had been some time since the familiar pain had started and her mood had darkened somewhat. In all honesty, she couldn't recall the last time at all. For a woman of her age, not yet thirty, it surely couldn't be the change of life she had heard so much about, which meant that…

"No," she said softly to herself. "No, it's not possible. You know it's not possible. The doctor said you wouldn't bear children." Climbing gingerly out of the tub, she wrapped a towel around her body and sat on the stool to dry herself. "But the doctor also told you that you wouldn't walk again and look at you now."

"Everything all right, lass?" her father's voice outside the door brought her back into the moment with a bump.

"Yes, I'm fine."

"I'm just 'eading to bed then. Sleep well."

"You too, goodnight." She waited until she heard the door of his room click shut and then moved back into her own room, retrieving underwear and her nightclothes from the wardrobe, before sliding between her sheets. "You're being foolish," she told herself, as her eyelids drooped. "Completely foolish." Before she could think anymore on it, sleep claimed her, and she would have likely slept through the night had something not awoken her in the early hours.

The room was dark, the faint light of a summer night coming through the window, and, for a moment, she had no concept of why she had suddenly awakened. She lay there, the only sound coming from her breathing, and was about to move position in the bed, when a sharp pain suddenly shot through her. The intensity of it made her gasp and her hand automatically flew to her stomach. She waited for it to dissipate, and it did, but only for a brief moment before returning even stronger. She sat up quickly, only to feel a sticky sensation between her thighs. Pulling back the bedclothes, she reached across and switched on the lamp by her bed. It bathed the room in a yellow light that highlighted, to her horror, the crimson red stain on the front of her nightgown and on the bed beneath her.

"Oh…" she said softly, thinking back to her earlier confusion over her lack of monthly bleed. It was unusual for it to come on so suddenly, and with such force, and pain instantly shot through her again, causing her to cry out. "Ah…" she pitched forwards, her hand going to her stomach again. This was like no monthly pain she had ever experienced in the past, and they had been severe at times. It felt as though her insides were being squeezed in a vice-like grip and, with effort, she swung her legs out of the bed. The moment she got to her feet, the pain struck again, causing her to fall to the floor, and she gritted her teeth and crawled towards the bedroom door. Dr Bellamy had, in the past, prescribed a tonic for her to take when the pain was particularly strong, but there was no way in her present condition that she could make it downstairs to where it was kept.

Opening the door, she crawled into the hallway. "Dad…Dad…" the pain came again, even stronger and all she could do was cry out until the wave momentarily passed. "Dad!" It felt like hours before she heard the sound of movement from within his room, the door opening to reveal his slightly unsteady figure, barely awake. "Dad…"

"Lily?" he squinted at her. "What…?"

"Ah….Dad!" Tears slipped down her cheeks and all she wanted to do was curl into a ball on the floor and pull her knees up to her chest. "Dad…I'm bleeding…"

"What the bloody 'ell…?" he lurched towards her, dropping down onto the floor beside her. "Lily…Lily, lass, look at me."

"I…ah…" she wanted to resist him as he gently moved her into a seated position against the wall, the pain crashing over her once again. "Dad…"

"Holy Christ…" Tom breathed. "'ow long 'ave you known? You stupid girl, 'ow long 'ave you known?!"

"What…?" she tried to breathe through the pain. "Known…what…?"

"You're with child!"

Despite the overwhelming agony, and the fact that all she wanted to do was cry out, his words cut through all of that. The realisation of what he was saying struck her. "But…I…I can't…"

"You stupid girl!" Tom got to his feet. "This is 'is doing, isn't it?! Farnon! e's the one that's put that child in your belly, isn't 'e? Did 'e force you?! Tell me if 'e forced you!"

"No!" she cried out. "No, 'e didn't force me, I…ah…Dad…please…" For a moment, Tom said nothing, and when she was able to open her eyes and look at him, she could see his face was white with anger. "Dad…please…"

"You're losing it. I'll 'ave to ring for the doctor."

He thundered down the stairs, leaving her lying there, unsure of what to do or what to think. Her child…Siegfried's child…one that she had never thought she would be able to bear and now…as the pain momentarily subsided, she looked down at the dark wetness of her blood, stark against her nightgown, and suddenly felt terribly faint.

The events of the next few hours were lost to her. When she regained consciousness, she was back in her bed, the sheets fresh and clean, a new nightgown covering her body, sunlight coming through the window. Someone was holding her arm and, when she opened her eyes, she saw Dr Bellamy sat on the edge of the bed next to her, gently feeling her wrist.

"Lily," he greeted her softly. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm…" she wasn't sure how to respond. For a moment she paused, awaiting the onslaught of pain, but it didn't come.

"The bleeding has subsided and with it the pain," he said, as though reading her thoughts. "You will still have some blood loss most likely over the course of the next few days, but it will cease eventually." He paused. "Your father told me you fell from a horse yesterday."

Her mind felt jumbled, but she could remember that. "Yes."

"Well, that may have been the cause of this, but it's not uncommon in general."

"The cause of what?"

He paused. "I'm afraid you've miscarried."

"Miscarried…" she rolled the word around her mouth. It felt alien. "But I'm not…I'm not able to have children."

"I'm afraid that this incident proves that you are. Do you know how far along you were?"

"I…"

"When was your last monthly?"

She shook her head, "I'm not sure. When I was in Bexley."

"Then you must have fallen pregnant sometime soon after that."

She felt her face flush. "I…"

"It's not my business," he said, rising to his feet. "What you choose to do is up to you. But there can be consequences, as we've seen here. I'll prescribe you something for the pain, which may come and go a little and I would suggest that you stay in bed for a day or two, until the bleeding has stopped and you're feeling stronger."

"I didn't…" she felt tears prick her eyes. "I didn't know…"

"No…I suspected as much."

"Dad…"

"He…left a few moments ago. I said that I would stay here at the house until he came back."

She slowly pulled herself up into a seated position. Her father was clearly disgusted with her, ashamed of what she had done. How would she face him? How could she explain? "Where 'as 'e gone?"

Dr Bellamy paused. "He didn't say. But, if I were a betting man, I would wager…Skeldale House."