The elevator seems to be our place. Mine's and Meredith's, at least. Things happen between us inside. Like kissing her violently. Or at least, she dropped the files and pounced on me, but I kissed back, feeling the lust taking over me. And sniffing her hair when she said she misses me, having a flirty conversation before Addison walked in on us. Then the most recent one of her telling me not to be nice to her because she did a terrible thing. I offered up my friendship, but she declined it. I don't know why I offered up my friendship, maybe because that way I can find an excuse to talk to her, as a friend, and an excuse for myself to remind myself that she's my friend, so I can slowly get over her. I told her that we could take walks together when it's my turn to walk the dog, have breakfast, watch the dog play and talk--as friends. She told me 'We can never be friends.' But in the end, she turned up at the trail.
It feels like I'm deceiving Addison, my wife, that I didn't tell her about it. But how am I suppose to tell her? That I'm taking morning walks with my ex-girlfriend and expect her to trust me? It's impossible. Our marriage was still on shaky grounds and funny thing is, I really want it to work out, and telling her something like this wouldn't help in our marriage--at all. So every other day, I'll take Doc out and meet Meredith by the trail, and we will talk--like friends do. She'll tell me her problems and I'll tell her mine. Except I really don't have any problems, not even marriage-wise. Things are going smoothly at the moment, Addison and I are trying our best to fix it. And yes, trying my best while meeting Meredith without letting Addison know. Because that is how things are going to work, at least, how I feel that things are going to work. I need to let go of Meredith my own way. Meredith is a kind person, she's pretty nice, and sweet, and her smile do light up the room. But of course, her smile will never be like Addison's because Addison's smile was one of the things that won my heart. And because of a one night stand gone wrong and my wife's return, I have to give up a possible friendship that I may have built with Meredith if the night I ended up at her house naked had never happened. How did I end up at her house, you say? Well, she brought me there. I couldn't bring her to a trailer, right? So I agreed, and yes, in that sense, she took advantage. It was her suggestion.
But since things are going well, the walks with Meredith and Doc went on. The only times we've got to talk properly was in the scrub room when we're alone, together, in the elevator, or munching on sandwich over lunch hour. However, being married to Addison for almost 12 years and having dated her for that long, nothing can be hidden from her. I don't know if she suspects that I'm having walks with Meredith, but she certainly could tell that Meredith and I are friends. I could still remember the last time I breathed down Meredith's neck. In the morning before Mrs Booker had told me about the reason to her unwillingness to get well. And that was when I realised that I was absent back in New York. I was the one who forced Addison away when she needed my attention. Addie is an independent woman, but she needs me too, and somehow, along our marriage, I stopped noticing her. I suddenly realise that I want her in my life. So I'm working on it, and now we're both friends with Meredith. And Addison still doesn't know about the walks.
It should stay that way--for now.
- Derek Shepherd
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Everytime I see Derek with Meredith, see him talking to her and making those eyes at her, it hurt. But Mark's voice would come back to me.
-"He doesn't know how we felt. He doesn't know that you stayed with me after he left. How do you expect a marriage to work out if you can't even be honest with him?"-
And when I hear his voice all over again in my head, I felt that I owe it to Derek. I shouldn't have stayed with Mark, but honestly, I have nothing left. I, Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd, needs someone to love me, I, a hotshot doctor who is a strong, smart and independent woman, needs to feel wanted. It's true, I stayed with Mark after Derek left. Sleeping was just a one time thing. After Derek left, I was devastated. Derek Shepherd is the love of my life, he is my husband, he is the only man I love. Mark is great, of course. He takes care of me, he makes time of me, but he will never replace the place Derek has in my heart.
I recognise the looks Derek give to Meredith. He gave them to me in the beginning of our courtship, but I had shot glares at him when he each time he does that. It doesn't make me melt like it makes Meredith melt, it sends a shiver down my spine. But now I wish he would give me the looks that he gave Meredith.
But after the night he walk in to our room and settle down by the bed to tell me that he will work on our marriage, things changed. He no longer send looks over to Meredith, he hardly ever talk to her unless necessary. Which makes me happy, and gulity at the same time. I could tell that he's friends with Meredith, and I don't mind. I tried to be friends with Meredith too, because by proxy, if Derek is her friend, I'm kinda her friend too. Besides, it is hard to actually try to avoid someone day in day out when we are working in the same place as they are for long hours each day. So, I'm her friend. It will make things easier on Derek, at least.
Guilty, why? Because he's finally putting his effort into the marriage, and I have a secret to hide from him. A secret that will tear our marriage apart. I'm not ready for that. Things are going smoothly, going well, we're having sex now and then, and this little secret, if revealed, will jeopardise our marriage. And will Derek be ready to listen? He isn't even ready to talk about the affair I had with Mark. He admitted that he was absent, that he was indifferent, but does it mean that he realises that part of what he has been doing to our marriage, being absent, is the reason that drove me into the arms of his best friend? I really don't know. Funny how sometimes 'by proxy' friends doesn't turn out well. Mark has always been Derek's best friend, and by proxy, because I'm his wife, Mark and I became friends too. We were all close, and Mark fell for me, which I never noticed until the night he pressed his lips against mine. And that night, I felt wanted, I felt loved, and I gave in. That night should never have happened. But if it never did, Derek would never have noticed.
So this will be the little secret that I have to keep now. Derek is not ready for it, our marriage is not ready for it. But soon, I will tell him. Not now, not yet.
- Addison Shepherd