CHAPTER FIVE

They didn't talk about Patsy again. Ryan went silent after telling his story and Astrid didn't feel there was anything else to be said. Instead, Ryan placed all his energy into getting back on his feet. Though Astrid was worried he was pushing himself too hard, there was little she could do to stop him. Ryan was determined to get out of that attic and outdoors. She tried to stop him from standing up and trying to hobble around. But every time her back was turned, Ryan was at it again.

Three days later he was managing to get down the stairs on his own. Each step was agony and Astrid could see it in his face. But Ryan insisted he was fine. Astrid, realizing he wasn't going to slow down, gave in. To show encouragement she found him a short plank of wood to use as a cane.

The first floor of the cabin had two rooms, both furnished and much cozier than the upstairs. The large living room had a couch and a chair for entertaining while a bed sat in the corner. In the eat in kitchen, stood a handcrafted pine table with chairs to match. When asked why they hadn't set up camp down there, Astrid explained that the attic seemed more secure. Ryan fell in love with the fireplace and tried to hide his disappointment when Astrid vetoed making a fire. Nodding in agreement that it was too risky and might attract unwanted attention. Once outside Astrid helped Ryan into a wicker chair on the porch. She gave him a strange look as he gazed up at the sky, a lazy smile on his face.

"What is it?" She finally asked, slightly impatient with him.

"It's beautiful."

"What? The sky?"

"Yeah." Ryan couldn't stop his gazing. "Back at the mall we were always too busy surviving. And when we did look up sometimes all we saw was smoke."

Astrid leaned against the railing and sighed. "Yeah. When you're running for cover not much time to watch the clouds go by."

They sat quietly listening to the world around them. The stream could faintly be heard babbling over through the woods. Sometimes a bird would make it's presence known and fly by. The squirrels gave away their positions in the tress with a twig falling here, a nut there. It was a gentle quiet that made one feel safe. Ryan though back to the hallow, echoing silence of nights at the mall.

"It's weird." Astrid's gentle voice made Ryan look at her.

"What?"

"Down here, so much has happened. Every thing's always changing and we're desperately trying to keep up. And up there," Her almond eyes softened. "everything is the same. The sun rises and sets and the sky's always blue. The world's gone crazy and yet everything up there is still doing what it's supposed to do."

She caught Ryan's gaze and smirked. He looked back, his lips on the edge of a smile. He felt something deep within her dark eyes. A tender soul hidden beneath heartache and loss. Astrid didn't like how his gray eyes peered at her, as though they were penetrating her thoughts. She felt vulnerable and weak. Choosing to ignore the warmth in her chest, Astrid broke the connection.

"I'll get more water."

Ryan watched her go with a sense of longing.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next mid morning Astrid found herself walking the grounds in need of distraction. She was more than startled when a group of tribesmen emerged from the forest. A large wagon and several horses were among their entourage. Fighting back the urge to scream for Ryan, who napped on the porch, Astrid stood her ground and gave the trespassers a steely look.

"What do you want?" She spoke, her tone threatening.

A dark haired man stepped forward with a friendly expression. "We don't mean any harm. We were taking a short cut back to the city and seemed to have lost the trail." He gestured to the large group behind him. "We're just looking to rest and water our horses."

Astrid wasn't sure why but she instantly trusted him and welcomed them to stop awhile. Ryan near leaped out of sleep when he heard Astrid coming around the corner of the cabin with the strangers. The leader introduced himself as Pony Joe and offered some items for trade which Astrid quickly declined. It didn't seem right to charge him for something she didn't even have the right to claim.

Pony Joe's tribe quickly went about getting their horses watered and putting together lunch. Ryan accepted for both he and Astrid when they were invited to join in the meal. They listened as Joe explained they were nomadic traders and dabbled in the art of breeding horses. At the moment he had a high spirited one, Apollo, whom Joe was hoping to be rid of in the city.

They found the nomads to be pleasant and eager for conversation. Ryan was quick to answer questions about his past but Astrid shared little about herself. Explaining that she'd found Ryan by accident and pretty much leaving the rest of her life up for the imagination. While they ate and exchanged information about the city, Astrid noticed the way Joe stared longingly at a girl in his group. It was clear he had some sort of feelings for her. Unfortunately for him the dark haired beauty referred to as Moon was not returning his amorous gazes. Trouble in paradise, Astrid mused.

Ryan was thoroughly enjoying himself and lunch was over all to soon for his liking. Noticing his awkward limp, Pony Joe offered Ryan some Gossamer weed. "For the pain." He smirked before thanking them both for their hospitality. Waving goodbye, Astrid and Ryan watched as the traders disembarked via the overgrown driveway.

"They were nice." Ryan spoke up when the travelers were out of earshot.

"Yeah," Astrid shrugged. "Though I don't know anyone in the city whose gonna want a horse."

Smirking Ryan looked at her. "You'd be surprised."

She answered with another thoughtless shrug before walking back to the cabin. Ryan watched her go puzzled that she showed no interest in what might be happening in the city. He then looked back at the driveway, the trampled, grass the only evidence that Pony Joe's tribe was ever there. He hoped their journey went well, already missing the presence of a group. The mingled conversation, the bustling about, the quiet bickering. Ryan sighed at the vacant driveway. He didn't only miss the traders, he envied them.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"I have to go back to the city."

Astrid looked up from the rock she'd been gazing at. It had been a few days since their run in with Pony Joe and Ryan had made it a new habit to wash up in the creek each morning. At first she thought he was crazy, arguing that it was too far for him to walk. Then she pointed out how much easier it was to wash up with the water from the bucket she brought in every day. He'd finally persuaded her to come with him under the guise that he needed her help. Curiosity set in after Ryan told her how great the water felt as he dunked his shaggy head. Now she joined him, soaking her arms in the icy water and daydreamed about hot tubs.

"What?"

Ryan stood up. "I have to go back, Astrid."

She watched him limp away too shocked to respond at first. Had she heard him right? He'd been on his feet for less than two weeks and now he wanted to trek down the mountain. She had put up with his eagerness to be independent again with understanding. Trying her best to be positive though she still thought he was pushing himself too hard. This was the last straw. Astrid jumped to her feet and followed him.

"Are you crazy!" She shouted. Ryan didn't turn around though he could hear her gaining quickly. "Do you even know where you are?" She yelled again. Astrid overtook Ryan and stood in front of him. He gave her a strange look before trying to hobble around her. "It's thirty miles to the city." She snapped at his heels. "You can hardly walk."

"I could do it," He defended quietly.

"No you couldn't Ryan. You don't have the strength to make a trip like that. Never mind what you might run into on the way. What if someone attacked you? What, you gonna run? Fight back?"

Ryan didn't answer as he continued to make his way towards the cabin. Astrid marched along side of him, anger in her every footstep.

"I can't believe you!" She hissed. "Everything I've done to make you well and you're just gonna leave. Forget about the fact that your leg is still wrecked and who knows if it will ever heal properly. Especially when you don't listen to me and insist on walking around on it. You know you could be doing irreversible damage and we'd never know it. "

Ryan sighed feeling guilty. Almost to the porch he thought to himself. His leg ached from trying to walk fast but he didn't want Astrid to see that he was already winded. Not in her mood.

"And who even knows what state the city is in right now." She continued her rant. "It's been what, three weeks since I took off? And then it was only the RUMOR that the Chosen were finished. We don't know if they've regrouped or what. And even if they are finished there could be another psychotic tribe trying to rule over everyone. You know these nuts don't waste time when it comes to power."

Ryan stopped suddenly, breathing heavy. "Look Astrid I'm... sorry." He took a breath and looked up at her flushed face. "I know you've done a lot for me and I don't want you to think I don't appreciate it. I mean... you saved my life. No one knew where I was and if you hadn't found me when you did..." Ryan stopped at a loss.

Astrid avoided looking into his eyes.

He sighed. "You don't know what it's like to be taken from everything you love and thrown into some dark hole to be forgotten. Every day all I could think about was my baby. Somehow getting back to Salene. I never wanted anything as much as I wanted my baby."

Astrid bit her lip as his eyes caught her. They were so sincere and wanting. She wanted to look away.

"I know it's crazy," Ryan shrugged. "But with the Chosen gone maybe there's a chance. I don't know if she's still pregnant or if she's had it or what. But she has to know I'm not dead and either way I'm here for her."

"She went with the Chosen." Astrid frowned. "Why would you go back to her?"

"I dunno. I know she stopped loving me but," Ryan looked down sadly. "She's my baby's mom. I can't stop caring about her. And it's not just her. The Mallrats are my family. They need to know I'm alive." He sighed. "And they need to know about Patsy."

"Family?" Ryan was surprised at her bitter tone. "You haven't learned anything have you Ryan?" Astrid didn't look at him. "Everything you care for. Everything you've invested emotions into. See how easily it gets taken away? How many times do you have to be hurt before you realize it? You just said your own wife didn't even love you. She offered up your baby, the thing you loved most in the world, to the Chosen. And your precious Mallrats," She scoffed. "Did any of them try to save you? Find out what happened to you? Go looking for you? And poor Patsy. You did everything you could to save her and she died anyway."

Ryan stood, tears burning his eyes as Astrid took a step closer to him. Her almond eyes were an ocean of pain, anger, and fear.

"Everything you care about, you lose. Until you figure that out, you're just going to get heartbroken over and over and over."

With those words Astrid left Ryan and ran back to the cabin. He stared at the ground, her words still stinging him. He didn't understand her. How she could be so kind and yet so cold at the same time? Why was she so angry at him? And what was all this about caring? If she felt that way why had she bothered to save him at all?

Ryan finally made it back to the porch and decided it was best to wait outside. He sat in the wicker chair and tried to make up his mind about what to do. He still wanted to go to the city. Still wanted to see his baby and his friends. Wanted desperately to go home. But unfortunately Astrid had been right. He couldn't even make it to the creek and back without having to lie down. How would he ever make it to the city?

Astrid buried her face in her hands as she lay in a ball on her bed. She felt like crying. She thought back to the day she found Ryan. She'd sat there staring at all those dead kids. It dawned on her that they all most likely had friends and family looking for them. People who cared about what happened to them. She imagined that their bodies might never be found, their whereabouts remaining a mystery to their loved ones. She thought about those who might be mourning them. Then she realized that if she died right then, there would be no one to mourn her. Unlike these kids, there'd be no one thinking of where she'd gone. That made her ache and there she sat crying over her own state of loneliness.

Then Ryan made a sound. And in a semi desperate attempt to save apart of herself, she helped him. For days she refused to allow herself to hope he'd pull through. But he did and every day he got stronger and Astrid felt a sense of completion she hadn't felt in a long time. His companionship, his honesty. There in the cabin it felt as though they were the only two people in the world, cast adrift from the lives they once lived. Now he wanted to go back to those he loved which only reminded her of how alone she really was.

"Damn me for caring about you Ryan." She wept.