CHAPTER EIGHT
author's warning: this chapter contains heavy adult themes, including drug use, implied prostitution and statutory rape
Astrid didn't bother making anymore trades. She simply left the market and went back to the inn. She never considered going to the mall and confirming what she'd learned. Nor did she think to send a message to the Mallrats telling them of Ryan's fate. She thanked Learies and said goodbye knowing she would never see her friend again. All Astrid wanted to do was get out of that city. She had no plans of ever returning.
As she left her concrete jungle of a home behind, Astrid could only think about one thing. How was she going to tell Ryan about Salene and the baby? From what he'd told her, returning to his wife and child was the only thing that kept him alive in that mine. His thoughts of them prevented him from going insane. They were the reason he managed to pull back from the abyss and survive his injuries. How could she possible tell him that reason no longer existed?
Astrid walked for hours in a distracted fog of depression. This news only confirmed her belief that caring for people led one down the road to self destruction. She thought back to the last time she ever truly loved anyone. Her eyes stung with tears long since unshed as the painful memory came back.
It wasn't long before the virus and Astrid was fourteen. She'd lived on the streets for the last two years since running away from her last foster home where her foster father showered her with unwanted and inappropriate affection. She was now living with Shaun, a nice guy with a terrible crystal meth habit. He allowed her to share his crummy studio apartment. And unlike most guys he didn't expect anything from her. Shaun never crossed the line with Astrid and respected her like a sister. He was the first person in her screwed up life to show her any sort of tenderness that wasn't tainted with ulterior motives. It was no wonder she fell in love with him.
In time Shaun returned her feelings and they had the sweetest, if not illegal, whirlwind love affair. Though the part of the city they lived in was disgusting and grimy, and their apartment nothing more than a hole in the wall, Shaun and Astrid were happy. Their love, being so fresh and innocently honest, made everything around them seem beautiful and new. But not even their blissful, young love could change the reality of their lives.
Astrid, with her innocent face and knowledgeable street sense, was a favorite among the drug runners. While Shaun angered dealers with his increasing inability to pay bad debts, Astrid made a small profit running drugs from dealer to buyer. In a neighborhood of no morals and no conscience, Astrid was in some ways considered the local sweetheart. Some dealers felt somewhat protective over the young girl running their illegal wares through the streets.
Then came the day Shaun was blacklisted by the local dealers. No reputable dealer would even consider selling him meth on credit. Some stopped selling to him all together even when he managed to cough up half the cash up front. Astrid tried to help him see the bright side: this could be his chance to quit and start his life anew. At first Shaun agreed with her and tried to kick his habit. Some days later his withdrawal hit it's peak as he trashed their already sparse apartment and stormed the streets in need of a fix. At night he couldn't sleep and his whole demeanor frightened Astrid who'd never seen him angry or even raise his voice.
She felt guilty and wanted so very much to help her love. So Astrid asked one of her most dutiful dealers for a favor. This particular guy really liked the young girl and knowing she was good for it, gave her the meth on account. Feeling she'd done the right thing, Astrid brought the precious parcel back home to her darling Shaun only to find him making a deal of his own. She wasn't familiar with this new dealer, nor was she comfortable with the way he leered at her. His dark, cold eyes seemed to burn into her flesh.
Before she could tell Shaun of her gift, he pulled her aside and informed her of the deal he'd made. She could tell by the dilation of his pupils that he was high before the words left his mouth. He'd finally found someone willing to give him a hit on credit... on one condition. Astrid was horrified when he admitted to having sold her to the dealer for a payment of sex. She of course refused sobbing almost immediately at the very thought. She couldn't, wouldn't. She was already cringing at the thought of that man's disgusting hands on her. While she cried Shaun begged, almost regretfully, reminding her of what would happen to them both if she didn't pay his debt.
Somehow between her sobs and his pleas for cooperation, Astrid nodded in agreement. Even before she allowed herself to be steered toward the mattress on the floor, she felt her spirit leave her body and float away to a safer place. Shaun left the studio both to give them privacy and because he couldn't believe what his habit had driven him to do to the one person he claimed to love. Astrid kept her face to the corner so as not to see the terrible violation being committed against her body. She willed herself to go numb so she couldn't feel his clammy skin against hers or the tears that streamed down onto her flushed ears.
She didn't move right away when he was through. Waiting instead to hear the door shut before slowly curling into the fetal position. She didn't hear Shaun come in and slip into bed beside her as she willed herself to forget what had happened. She didn't even know she was still crying until she felt Shaun brush the tears away and whisper, "I'm sorry baby... I'm so sorry..."
His touch now felt like poison and Astrid pulled out of his embrace. He watched her crawl from their bed, her hateful eyes boring holes into his guilt ridden frame. Suddenly Astrid threw the small bag of meth she'd acquired for him and held clenched in her fist all this time. It bounced off his chest and Shaun picked it up, his confusion melting to disbelief. He shook his head wishing it wasn't so. Wanting so very badly to take back what he'd done but it was too late. She'd seen the ugliness of his heart that the addiction had created. There was no apologizing now. Not when she knew his love for her was worth nothing more to him than a hit of meth.
"Please don't leave me..." was all he could say but Astrid wasn't listening. She grabbed what few belongings which were within her reach and ran from the apartment leaving Shaun sobbing behind her. She raced into the night and the unknown as though running from the memory itself. Maybe if she ran fast enough she could make it disappear and it would never touch her again.
Astrid did return to Shaun eventually. After the virus had claimed him and his body, having gone unnoticed by his panic induced neighbors, lay rotting in his disheveled bed. The virus was taking the whole neighborhood and he was just one of the victims that no one cared enough about to come for. Astrid, realizing the world was coming to an end, raided the abandoned apartments for anything she could use to trade on the streets. When she came upon the old studio, her heart ached as memories of better times flashed through her mind. She only felt the slightest pity when she found him, knowing he wouldn't be buried nor remembered by anyone that mattered. At one time he'd been a symbol of love to her, now he was simply another dead adult who had disappointed or scarred her in some way.
She finally left, taking nothing for she wished never to remember either Shaun or that place. The last place she'd felt loved, felt alive. The place where the final nail was driven into her heart and snuffed out all hope of happiness.
Astrid now sat on the curb sobbing at the shameful memory that refused to leave. No matter how hard she tried to bury it deep, the pain was always just beneath the surface wishing for a way to escape. She didn't bother to wipe the wetness from her face as her shoulders shook. She was sitting at an intersection and was the only life in sight at the moment.
To her left the road continued into the trees up the mountain. To her right it led to a housing development. She stared at the large homes, tears blurring her vision. At one time it had been a lovely neighborhood with dogs barking, kids riding their bikes, automatic sprinklers, and professional landscapers. Now it was a derelict place with windows shattered, siding ripped off, a few houses were burned and all the greenery was either dead or overgrown.
Astrid had always wanted to live in such a place with parents who loved her. She wondered if Ryan had lived in such a home before the virus. Perhaps that was why he was so kind and genuine. He probably never witnessed the horrors that Astrid had experienced all her life. The more she thought about the houses and the families who once lived in them, her cries subsided and her tears dried. Soon she was simply staring with red eyes at the looted neighborhood.
She was suddenly struck with an odd idea which she immediately shook from her head. It came back and this time she took a minute to consider it. Astrid glanced up the mountain road. If she continued at this pace, she'd be back at the cabin by nightfall. Maybe even earlier if she hoofed it. She looked back at the houses as she stood and adjusted her heavy pack. For reasons she couldn't explain she started toward the neighborhood.
meth amphetamine - illegal street drug which can be snorted, smoked or injected.