CHAPTER TEN

The sun had just risen when Ryan got off the couch and began packing the bag Astrid found for him in the city. He was careful as he limped around not to wake her. Long after she'd gone up to bed, Ryan remained awake downstairs staring into the fireplace. Contemplating his choices in the wake of his overwhelming emotions. Now as he shuffled about he wanted her to stay sleeping. He knew if Astrid realized what he was doing, she would try to stop him. He didn't want to be stopped. Ryan knew what he had to do and not even the pain in his leg was going to stop him. Stepping out into the chilled morning air he looked back at the cabin once more before walking away.

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As soon as her eyes opened Astrid knew something was wrong. Only she didn't know what. She rolled over and saw Ryan hadn't come to bed. She sighed thinking of how upset he was the night before. He refused to talk, eat or drink. Just wanted to sit on his own. She'd never seen him so despondent and felt helpless not being able to do anything to make it better. Instead she'd done as he requested and left him be. He needed time to deal with this new pain. No stranger to misery, Astrid understood it would be a long road of healing for him.

Crawling out of bed Astrid realized how silent the cabin was. She couldn't even hear Ryan's light snoring downstairs. Pulling on her boots she wondered if he was awake and sitting outside. Downstairs was empty and she noticed Ryan hadn't lit a fire to comfort himself last night. She peeked out at the empty porch and vacant yard. Perhaps he was at the stream. The new crutches gave him more freedom of movement so he certainly didn't need her to make the trip anymore. She turned and faced the rooms before her, vaguely wondering what she would eat when she noticed it. Ryan's bag was gone.

A sudden panic rose in her chest as she did a quick sweep to make certain she was correct. Yes, his bag and everything else she'd brought back for him were gone. Knowing it was useless she ran upstairs only to confirm her fears. She raced back down and out into the yard. He couldn't have been gone long she thought as she started running down the overgrown driveway. Reaching the main road she spun around looking for any sign of him.

"Ryan!" She called close to tears. Only the sound of a flock of birds ascending from a tree could be heard as her voice echoed and faded. "Ryan!"

He was gone and she knew it. Gone back to the city and he hadn't even said goodbye. Astrid couldn't stop the tears as the realization flooded through her trembling body. She stood crying and staring down the vacant mountain road willing him to reappear by some miracle. Even if was to ask her to join him on his journey. Of course she knew this wouldn't happen. Why would Ryan come back for her? Who was she to him but a girl who brought him the worst news of his life? Sure she'd saved him but by now Ryan was probably thinking it would have been better if he'd simply died along with his family.

After what seemed like an eternity Astrid trudged back to the cabin. Her face was soaked with tears but she didn't bother to wipe them away. She was alone again. So utterly alone and never had she felt so empty. Not even when her mother was sent away to the sanatorium. Nor when she drifted from one foster home after another. Not even the emptiness she'd experienced when she lost Shaun could compare to this. All of those other times she'd found the strength and drive to keep going. She'd been determined not to be broken by her hardships. Now all she wanted to do was collapse and die. There was no strength or drive left. Ryan was gone and had taken her last bit of happiness with him.

Lying on the damp grass Astrid wrapped her arms around her knees and wept as though her world had ended. She lay there for a long time even after her she'd run out of tears. She could find no reason to get up so she stayed there, the cool air washing over her bare arms and making her shiver and feel hollow inside. She was empty. That was why Ryan left her for she had nothing to offer him. From this vantage point she stared at the cabin and the shed off to the side. It could have been home but now it was just another painful reminder of something else lost. She stared almost wishing she'd never found Ryan. Almost. Despite how much she was hurting now she wouldn't take back the warmth she experienced while in his presence. Oddly for this she felt blessed.

The wind began to pick up and the shed door squeaked as it swung on it's rusty hinges. The shed door was open. Astrid sat up. She hadn't left it open. She'd only gone inside once when they first arrived here and she was looking for supplies. She vaguely wondered if Ryan had peeked inside out of curiosity. The squeaking was annoying and it grated Astrid's nerves. The noise was almost mocking her sorrow. It irritated her beyond rationality. So much that she found herself standing and walking, then running toward it screaming "Shut up!".

Just as she was about to slam it shut in anger she saw the garden spade was missing. An odd thing to notice considering her state of mind but it's absence caused her to pause. The shovel had been one of the first things she'd seen when she first looked inside. Ryan couldn't have moved it. What would he want with a shovel? Where had it gone? She gazed about curiously and not seeing it she slowly shut the shed door. No longer distracted from her misery she stared at the ground wishing for a hole to swallow her up. As her eyes spotted a dead field mouse lying nearby a strange thought slowly dawned on her. She looked back at the shed and then out to where the stream babbled away. Astrid's heart jumped. She knew where Ryan had gone. Without stopping to grab her coat she ran toward the stream and followed it up the mountain.

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Ryan stared down at the body. Patsy had been easy to spot amongst the decaying corpses in her yellow novice robe which was dulled with dirt and time. When he first arrived at the mass grave the smell caused him to retch and he almost turned around. Despite the aging discoloration of her skin the tattoo was still quite visible. Seeing her this way was enough to make Ryan forget his mission. Biting back his urge to vomit he pulled out the blanket he'd packed in his bag. He wrapped up Patsy's stiff body then lifted the parcel and looked for a nice place in which to bury her. The clearing was a few yards away and overlooked the mountain range. His heart melted as he thought of their travels up and down Eagle mountain so long ago.

"You like that view Patsy?" He said quietly to himself. "No one will bother you here."

The ground was mostly rock and didn't have much give. Even with his size and strength Ryan was having a difficult time. He tossed away thoughts of how long this would take and continued digging with the shovel he'd discovered in the shed. It wasn't meant for big jobs such as this. The spade was shaped to handle the soft soil of a vegetable garden. His leg throbbed in agony and his arms ached but still Ryan kept on.

Astrid spotted his crutches first when she came upon the cave. He'd gently set them down amongst the bodies. Though she didn't see Ryan she knew he was near. He couldn't have gone far without the crutches. Looking around she finally saw him digging some yards off through the trees. He was wearing the new clothes she'd traded for, the dark fabrics a complete contrast with his fair skin. Swallowing the impulse to call his name she crept up on him slowly. His body language was odd: angry and melancholy. She wasn't sure her presence would be welcomed. Timidly she approached measuring her voice so as not to startle him.

"Ryan?"

He jumped and whirled in irritation. Astrid stood staring at him, his crutches in hand. Her face was flushed and she was breathless as though she'd run all the way here. Despite his mood he found her vulnerability to be quite beautiful. Remembering himself, he met her eyes with a steely expression.

"I'm burying her Astrid. She deserves that much. I couldn't bury Salene or my baby but I am burying Patsy and you're not going to stop me." His strained voice rang with pain and defiance.

She had no thought of stopping him. In fact his persistence in the matter only made her heart ache for him. Setting the crutches down she reached for the shovel.

"Here, let me dig for awhile. You look like you could use a rest."

Surprised at her compliance Ryan hesitantly handed over the spade. Without another word Astrid began to dig and Ryan gratefully sat down to take pressure off his leg. They took turns over the next couple hours, the digging a slow ongoing process. More than once they were on their knees pulling out rocks and roots with their hands. Though neither of them said it out loud, they each wanted the grave to be deep enough to keep Patsy's body safe from wild animals. They didn't bother wondering why scavengers hadn't found her yet. It was perversely fortunate that Patsy's was just one of the dozens of corpses for the hungry predators in the wilderness.

Finally the grave was finished and Ryan insisted on placing Patsy inside himself. Astrid watched saddened by the unnecessary death of a girl she'd never know. From his bag Ryan pulled out his old clothes which he lay on top of Patsy's wrapped body. It was as if he were burying a piece of himself along with her. Perhaps his past. Slowly he and Astrid poured the dirt over the dead girl, placing heavy rocks along the top. Ryan then revealed the last thing to add to the site. A piece of fire wood he'd spent the night carving Patsy's name in. He had stubbornly worked for hours by only candle light. This he placed at the head of the grave. Finished with the task he'd set out to do, Ryan sat back and stared.

Silence prevailed and Astrid wondered if she should leave Ryan alone. This was the first funeral, if one could call it that, she'd ever been to. She wasn't sure of her place or if anything should be said. It was peaceful here, and the oak tree off to the side would shield the grave from sun and rain.

"I'm sorry," Ryan's quiet voice shook Astrid from her thoughts. "I couldn't protect you... any of you. But you're safe now. No one will ever hurt you again." Ryan's tired eyes stung with tears as he remembered Patsy the way she used to be. Before the Chosen. Images of the pretty, bright eyed girl danced before him and he managed a weak smile. She was cocky, a smart ass but mostly sweet and he loved her like a daughter. They'd been his family: Cloe, Patsy, Salene. Now they were gone and he was all that was left. "I'm sorry..." He repeated in a whisper before breaking down. Helplessly Astrid watched as Ryan sobbed for the last time over everything he'd lost.

They stayed at the grave site a few hours more neither interested in food or water. Ryan sat in silence staring at the wooden grave marker in deep thought. Astrid followed his lead and said nothing as she leaned against the oak lost in her memories. She was surprised when without so much as a word he stood, pulled on his pack, picked up the crutches and walked away. She jumped up, grabbed the spade and joined him. They didn't talk as they headed down the mountain, the stream leading the way. The wind whistled through the trees above them and Astrid now wished she'd brought along something to put over her arms. She was covered with goosebumps. It was getting later in the season and winter would be here shortly. Astrid vaguely wondered if she and Ryan would still be in one another's company then.

"Thanks for helping me." Ryan finally spoke up.

"Sure," She answered rubbing warmth into one of her arms.

"How did you know where to find me?"

"Actually I didn't." Astrid looked down thinking of her earlier breakdown. "It wasn't until I realized the shovel was missing. Before that I thought you went back to the city."

He gave her an odd look. "Without saying goodbye?" He shook his head. "I wouldn't do that."

She looked back at him with a small smile. She was finally beginning to understand Ryan. "I know."

That night they both stayed downstairs. Ryan took the couch politely leaving the bed for Astrid. A roaring fire lightened the heavy atmosphere and they both stared at the dancing flames as they ate dinner. Their conversation was quiet and pleasant involving Ryan's tales of the Mallrats and how they first came together. She smiled at the light in his eyes as he relived his fondest memories.

"I think I liked it better when we were first starting out." He commented thoughtfully. "Even though we had to hide and scrounge for food, we stuck together. It was just us and the mall."

"Sounds nice." Astrid sighed. "No wondered you were in such a hurry to leave." Ryan nodded slightly as she pondered her next question. She had to come to terms with the fact that Ryan would not stick around forever. He was no longer the nameless boy she'd found at the edge of death. He had a past and an entire life outside of this experience with her. For Ryan, life with Astrid in the cabin was simply another passing moment in time. "I guess now that you're on the mend, you'll be going back soon right?"

Ryan paused as the words sank in. "Don't have much to go back to really."

His answer surprised her. "You have your friends."

He shrugged. "Yeah, but they never really needed me. So much has changed I'm not sure what I'll be going back to." Ryan thought about all the tribe members missing due to the Chosen occupation. In his heart he feared that there would be no one left to go home to.

Astrid swallowed. Was it too much to hope he would stay? "So what are you going to do?" She asked trying to mask her anxiety.

Another shrug. "I dunno. It's been awhile since I've been on my own." Ryan realized now that he was no longer in any hurry to leave. Or maybe he simply wasn't wanting to leave Astrid. "Maybe I'll stick around." He glanced at her nervously. "I mean, if you don't mind me tagging along."

It took all her will power to keep from leaping up in joy as Astrid smiled. "I think I can handle that."