Angel scratched his head absentmindedly, his eyes drifting over to his phone again. He sighed next, telling himself he was just overreacting, Buffy had said very little throughout the day and she'd been silent now for several hours but reminded himself that it didn't have to mean something was wrong.

She was probably caught up with Willow and Tara or catching up on some sleep or something.

It wasn't the end of the world.

Yet, he worried anyway.

And he missed her like crazy. She was like a drug to him just as she'd always been. When they had separated, it was like he had to go through Buffy withdrawals. Which was nearly what he felt now. He missed talking to her, seeing her, touching her. He got just a taste of that back with the accident and had now put himself in quite the position with how things had progressed and here he was back in this position all over again.

Giving up, Angel let out a sight, pushed his phone off to the side and decided he would take a shower and start winding down for the night. He could try to get in touch with her after the shower and maybe find something to occupy his mind until he was tired enough to go to sleep. Then it was just about making it through tomorrow so he could head back to Sunnydale after work was over.

Angel started heading toward his bathroom when there was a knock at the door.

OoOoO

There was shock mixed with surprise first, confusion, finishing off with a wide and happy smile.. "Buffy," Angel greeted. "What are you doing here?" he asked, stepping out of the way to let her in.

Buffy had never been to Angel's new apartment but it didn't surprise her any. It was large and luxurious and she would bet he paid a pretty penny for it, too. Everything was neat and in order, black and white hues taking over the majority of the space.

It was just as his office had been, both at home and in the building of Wolfram and Hart, and his apartment before Angel had moved in with her. On his own, he was pretty predictable on these kind of things.

Buffy wasn't sure what it was she did or said to throw him off but it didn't take too long for her to realize he knew that she had regained her lost memories. A new wave of emotions passed over his handsome face... confusion again, guilt, sadness... and finally settling into a good old friend of neutrality.

She felt a sharp pain in her chest as she watched him shut down in a matter of seconds like that.

She could practically read those thoughts running through his head... how he expected her to jump on his case about the past and what all had happened during the past several weeks, how he was losing everything he just got back all over again. And it broke her heart.

"Are you okay?" Angel asked after a few more seconds, his tone as emotionless as his face. Buffy nodded. "Do you want something to drink? Want to sit?"

Buffy cleared her throat. "A-a glass of water would be fine, thank you," she replied and looked around Angel's space some more while he got two glasses ready for them.

It didn't escape her that the last time she was around him he was telling her that he still loved her and the last time she was fully herself when she was around him a world war nearly broke out.

Both of these things made her very nervous to be here.

She watched as Angel carefully handed her glass to her then stepped several feet back to give them a nice space between one another. She knew he wasn't going to be the one to break the bubble of awkwardness they were under, he wasn't going to be the one to bring them into the present.

And she didn't blame him one bit for it, but it weighed on her that she was going to have to be the one getting that ball rolling.

Letting out a sigh, she let her eyes drift around the apartment once more. "Th-there was an accident back in Sunnydale," she said quietly. "A group of teenagers were being careless and caused an accident while Tara, Willow and I were heading back to my house after spending some time out at the beach."

"Was everyone okay?" he asked. "Are you okay?" he asked her again.

Buffy nodded, taking a sip of her water. "We weren't involved, just there. I think everyone is going to be fine. Everyone was taken to the hospital and I've been trying to keep up with any news here and there."

Angel nodded, looking down at his feet.

She felt her hands wanting to shake so she walked over to put her glass down on his coffee table. Several moments passed before she took in a deep breath. "I was coming to see you," she told him. "W-when the accident happened-my accident, I was coming to see you."

This got his attention and he looked up sharply. "What?"

Another deep breath. "I was coming back here to try and see you," she repeated. "Well, that had been the plan at first. With how crazy the weather and the roads were, I began to think twice about it. I was going to pull over for the night or so... maybe let the roads clear up, figure out what I was even going to do or say if I did go through with it, and all of that. I could see the sign and was ready to pull off the road for the night but then... everything else happened."

His eyes narrowed after a moment. "Why... why were you coming to see me?"

Willow hadn't exactly been wrong when she'd mentioned about her having doubts about what had happened with Angel and Darla or about the fact that she was giving off some missing Angel type of vibes leading up to her decision to go see him.

She had been missing him, wishing that things were different... more than she had at any time before after she'd moved out of state and been on her own. And she was questioning about what the truth was with what had happened.

He had told her time and again parts of it, but she never wanted to really listen to any of it at the time and there was a whole his side to the story she refused to ever listen to at all. She had wanted to let him say his peace for once, to ask him questions about what had happened that she'd been holding in for so long.

And it was easier to just skim over the whole truth with Willow than to get too deep into anything. So, the redhead hadn't been wrong on that end... just didn't know the whole truth to it.

And that's how Buffy started to answer his question, with explaining why she had decided to head out that night. She told him that she had begun to wonder about some things too much to ignore by this point, and that she missed him.

"I asked you to leave me alone and when I got it... I missed you," she told him in a quiet voice. "Everything had been so go, go, go the entire time that there was rarely time for me to sit back and even figure out my feelings or sort through what was happening. Then, all I had was time to think about it and reflect. And to realize how big of a mess everything was." With a small smile, she also added in that the majority of those questions she had come to ask him she'd gotten the answers to. Just not exactly how she intended.

But, like with everything else, there was more to it.

After having taken the time to herself and being away from him and everything else she knew... she had let the time and space start to heal her a little bit at a time on everything else that had happened. She had been so angry for so long and taking it out on Angel whether he was around to hear it or not that it was good to get away and to be on her own. It scared her relentlessly at times to be by herself, to be so far from everyone she had known, but it had made her stronger in some ways as well.

She began to layer her feelings out with the events that had happened with William Pratt and how it had shaped her life after that point. She let herself slowly deal with the fact that the rape incident had happened, with the fact she had handled everything all wrong and what it had wound up costing her, that Angel hadn't been in the wrong but it had been her who had thrown their marriage away and now she was alone.

She had never told a single soul what had happened that night with Spike and she knew it had been eating away at her every single day since. Sometimes in bigger ways than others, but it was always there.

It had made her afraid in ways she'd never been before, she'd been hurt in unimaginable ways by those actions, it had made her feel weak for so long. She had felt dirty and ashamed, guilty and then even angrier over that as she knew better to feel like that or have such thoughts. And anger was just part of everything afterward. It had nearly consumed her.

She had been so angry at herself. Angry for feeling ashamed, angry for taking it out on everyone, angry for blaming Angel for it, angry for keeping it to herself, angry for it even happening in the first place.

She hated herself for not believing Angel, even when she walked into that room, for running out like she did, for getting into the cab, for drinking that night, for not taking more precautions. She hated herself more after Angel began declaring his innocence when it came to Darla as in some twisted way it made her feel like she had betrayed him by what had happened and she felt dirty over it. And the last thing she wanted at that time was to have to explain to Angel what had happened.

She didn't want to because she hadn't believed him earlier, but later it was just not wanting him to know, not wanting to have to tell him such a thing, not wanting him to go out and do something stupid over it either.

She hated herself for having taking everything out on him. It was just so easy somehow to do it. She'd been so upset for so long over his long hours, about Darla trying to mess with their lives already, stress from her own new career and everything... him brushing things off so much, Darla being a little bird whispering all these things in her ear to mess with her, a show being put on whenever she was around, seeing messages or photos, and then that night when shit really hit the fan.

She was blaming him for not listening to her before, blaming him for cheating when she still believed he had, blaming him for what happened with Spike. Because it all could have been avoided. Yet, she knew it was not his fault deep down, he didn't cause this, he wasn't the one who did such actions to her. But at the time, it was too easy to just put it all on him.

Something had just snapped in her after that. Anytime she saw him all she could do was go into attack mode because in her head she was blaming him for everything. It had been on the tip of her tongue more than once to accuse him flat out for the rape but she had never taken it that far. She had said many truly awful things to him that she regretted but she had never crossed that line. And she was grateful for that as she knew it wouldn't have just broken him, but if she'd said those words out loud, it would have killed her just as much.

Instead, she just let the rage go into everything else. She wanted to hurt him because she was hurting.

She'd gone to Riley because of Angel's jealousy there but also because he was one of the few people she knew would be "safe". She'd continued to accuse him of cheating because she didn't want to see anything else or have to explain what had happened if she gave an inch to him.

Which only made her angrier because she was having to ruin something beautiful all because a nightmare had become her reality and she didn't want him to know.

She fought with him because it was easier to fight than to feel anything else... any of the sadness, any of the loneliness after he left. And when he shut down on her... it hurt worse than any of the arguments had. As he was just giving up. The broken man, the angry man... those she could almost handle, but the one who just didn't react anymore, who didn't seem to care? That cut to the bone.

And in the end it wasn't like she could blame him for being tired of the arguments, being attacked, for giving up on her. Hell, it was exactly what she had been doing all of it for... so he would leave her alone. But it still stung when he changed like that.

They had gone at one another like cats and dogs for so long... the initial break-up, separating, through the divorce, after the divorce... one last blow-out and he left her alone, she went to Willow's until she moved out of state. And then... she had the space and the quiet to let everything finally sink in. To really process what had happened.

She thought about all the things Angel had said and tried to prove to her that hadn't happened, remembering bits and pieces of what he had told her, thinking back to one event or another and wondering what the truth was. She thought about the many what ifs of that night... what if she had gotten there earlier, if she had stayed longer, if she'd just gone to her own car, if she had done or hadn't done x, y and z. She thought about how she could have handled things differently, if she had told Angel what had happened, if they could have worked past it together.

She looked around at her new life and began to realize what a mess she had created, how much she missed him, how she wished she'd done everything differently.

And she realized she wanted to see if there was still a chance for that... To go see him again, to tell him what had happened because she finally felt like she was ready to, do let him tell his side of the story... Even if there was no future still left in the cards for them, she had wanted to clear the air on the past.

And the night of the accident... it had just been overwhelming, like she had to do it right then, she had to go and get it all out as soon as possible. Enough time had been wasted, she didn't want there to be any more if she could help it.

Fate had other plans in mind on that, though.

Buffy took a seat on the leather couch, putting her fidgeting hands together in her lap. She swallowed hard and began to finish answering his question. She briefly touched on the earlier events with Darla that had happened as well as other things that had been an issue between them. He didn't say much but got straight to the point when he did throw his two cents in on anything. She took another quick drink before getting to the night when she walked in on Darla in his hotel room.

Angel stiffened at the first mention of that night, his hands clenching around his glass. She took a deep breath as she began walking through that night from her point of view. And slowly began to explain what had happened to her after she went running away from the room.

She told him about running from the room, down the hall, pushing the button for the elevator but hearing his voice yelling for her and running toward the closest exit with stairs. She told him about cursing as she got outside, how her thought process went with deciding against going to get her car and spotting the cab to jump in instead. About the guy, the driver, her not having any idea where she wanted to go so just saying to take the other guy to his destination while she freaked out over everything.

She told him about the bar, how she hadn't paid any attention to where they were going or where they were until they actually came to a stop, she described the building, the big neon flashing sign above the door. How she had her phone blowing up with calls and texts from him and didn't want to deal with it so she turned the phone off, got out of the cab, let the other guy pay her share along with his own, then went inside as getting drunk sounded real good right about then.

Buffy picked at her nail polish as she described the seedy little bar, the pretty brunette bartender who was working that night, and who she'd been thankful for when she just poured the drinks and didn't ask any questions.

She told Angel about wanting to just drink in the corner alone and not think about anything else but how those plans got ruined by the guy from the cab. Once enough alcohol was in her, how she started telling the stranger about her night, about finding her husband with another woman and how pissed off she was over that. Pissed off and hurt. She explained how she was cursing up a storm there in the bar at him and at Darla, and how that led into some questioning about her and finding out that this British stranger was related to the damn blonde.

Buffy told him that at first she'd been pissed off about that fact but soon enough the two of them were bonding over hatred of her. That he was right there cursing her out, calling her every name under the sun right along with her. He didn't say all too much but he had made it clear he and Darla were not on the best of terms with one another, though it was more his father he took issue with than her. That he had come out to try and see his dear sister at her request but in the end she had really only wanted something from him, which pissed him off all the more as that's how it always was with her. Never wanting anything to do with him unless it was a favor.

Buffy told him that he had hit on her several times, but would just make a joke when she would brush it off. Then when the drinks started to hit her, how she told him she was just going to call it a night and deal with the ruins of her life when the sun came back out. She thanked him for his help and for listening to her falling to pieces and everything, turned her phone back on just long enough to call a new cab, then turned it right back off. How she'd gone for one last shot before saying goodbye to him, the pretty bartender girl, and a drunk old guy sitting at the bar who tried hitting on her as well... How she had wanted to wait outside in the fresh air for the ride to show up as it was too hot and smokey in there for her by this point.

She took another drink from the cup before continuing... starting to go over the turning point of that night when suddenly William "Spike" Pratt was grabbing for her, pulling her into his arms and back into they alleyway, telling her he wanted her and how beautiful she was, that her husband must be a fool to have chosen his sister over her. She shivered as she replayed the very memories in her mind, practically feeling him on her all over again.

"He said I should go home with him, teach you a lesson for being with Darla, that he would make me forget all about you and treat me like I should be," she said quietly. "His hands were still on me, holding me a little too roughly. He tried to smile but it wasn't... something wasn't right. His tone was too serious, too. I-it... he just had red flags being thrown up all around him," she said.

She told him how she had refused the offer, saying she had no interest in him or doing something like that, that all she wanted to do was leave and asked him to let her go. When he got more forceful, how she started to panic some, yelling at him to let her go, trying to struggle away from him. And then he really started to scare her as a cold look took over his face and he leaned in to whisper that he was going to take her whether she liked it or not and then how he had attacked her next.

Buffy still couldn't recall much of what happened after that. There were a few blurry images that would come and go that she tried to describe to him, but she was pretty much out of it until the following morning.

Angel walked over, making her jump as she hadn't been looking at him. He took a seat on the coffee table in front of her, taking her hands into his.

This simple act had tears forming in her eyes as she told him about waking up in the strange room, naked and confused. That her body had bruises on it in various places and she hurt and ached. That there was blood on the sheet underneath her, not a lot but it was there. She didn't remember much of what happened but it was easy to put two and two together and how that had scared the hell out of her.

Buffy told him that she hurried to get dressed, not wanting to be there, unsure of what to do next. Then how Spike had showed up before she made it out of there and what he had told her would happen to her if she told anyone. How she ran out of there the first chance she got, cried all the way to the police station she had a cab take her too, how she sat in front of it but couldn't bring herself to go she wanted to go find him but after everything... So she hadn't known what to do. How it was just too much to deal with.

Buffy cried harder as she tried to explain where things had gone from there. Angel hurried to pull her into his arms, holding her tightly. "Shh," he whispered, his hands rubbing her back. "Buffy," he said after several minutes had passed. "You should have told me," his voice was soft. "I could have helped you, done something."

This only made the tears flow harder. "I didn't want you to think of me as..."

He didn't even let her finish that. "I wouldn't have thought that, Buffy. Never. I wouldn't have thought any less of you and that kills me that you think I would have."

"I didn't really, Angel," she whispered. "It was just... it was all in my head at the time, Angel. Nothing was making sense. I didn't want... I didn't want you to think less of me because of what happened, I didn't want to even acknowledge that it happened, I didn't want to deal with it... I just..."

Angel pulled her into his lap there on the table as she sobbed uncontrollably.

OoOoO

"Did she know? Did Darla know?" Angel asked. He was now up and pacing the floor, running a hand through his air.

Buffy toyed with her fingers again. "I don't know," she said softly.

"You need to make a police report."

"What? I-I couldn't do that. I-it was nearly two years ago now, Angel."

"So?" he countered. "It still happened and you can still report it."

"And what good would that do now?"

Angel gave her an angry look before quickly softening his features. He walked over to her. "Because it will help you. Because if she or anyone else was involved in what happened to you they should pay for that." Angel sighed, rubbing his temples. And then Angel went on to explain to her that William Pratt had been killed in a motorcycle accident some months ago. He didn't remember much about it but had read it in passing.

Buffy felt relieved by this news, but she understood Angel's frustration as he spoke. He felt helpless about everything and wanted to do something, wanted to go after him, wanted to make sure justice was met. He wanted to fix something, even if in just a small way. And he was left with this instead.

And she had been there. She had thought about making a report so many times, about telling someone who she knew would make him pay in one way or another. She had stayed up many nights berating herself for never doing it, for worrying if he was out there doing the same thing to someone else and how that would be partially her fault for not having spoken up. She worried he'd find her again, come after her again... and she just had never taken the steps to protect herself.

But right now, she just felt relieved and like the news was only helping her. She was already taking strides she'd been wanting to forever... listening to him, telling Angel what had happened, admitting her feelings for him. And this just made moving forward seem all the more possible.

Buffy shook her head, reaching out to cup his face. "Angel, honestly, all I want to do is put this behind me. And for the first time, I even feel like that is possible. I've been living under the weight of everything for so long and living with it all alone for so long already. I know that I should do this and I should do that, but I just want to get past it and worry about the future instead."

His head tilted to the side and he closed his eyes. "How am I supposed to do that?" he whispered. "This was my fault. I should have listened to you. I should have been faster in chasing after you that night. Hell shouldn't have even gone on the damn trip. I should have protected you, that was my job. And I just..."

Buffy leaned down to kiss him softly. "It was his doing, Angel. At the end of the day, whether someone else was involved in planning it or not, it was his doing. No matter what was going on, it boiled down to him and him alone. I spent a lot of time and energy blaming you my own self and it wasn't right to do that."

"I should have kept this from happening. I should have stopped it, should have never put us or you in that kind of position. I should have been the person you told... who took care of you, this. How did I not know?"

Buffy stroked his cheek again. "Not for lack of trying, Angel. We both knew you knew there was more to the story and you did everything possible to get answers and to the bottom of what was really going on."

OoOoO

Buffy watched as Angel took a sharp breath. He had been from one emotion to another since her arrival, and it broke her heart to see it all. "Oh, God," he whispered. "We... and you didn't remember..."

Buffy's eyes widened and she quickly got up and went to him. "No," she said sternly. "I don't feel bad about what happened with us, Angel. And I sure as hell don't want you to either. I may not have had my memories at the time, Angel, but you were exactly what I wanted. I have no regrets or ill feelings about that at all."

Buffy maneuvered their bodies so she was able to stand in front of him, her arms reaching to wrap around his neck, placing his own arms around her waist first. She pulled him closer and closed her eyes when his head dropped against hers and she could feel his cool breath.

"Why aren't you yelling at me?" he finally asked.

Buffy blinked, tilting back to look at him. "You still expect me to?"

"Yes," he answered, tearing his eyes from her to look at the floor.

She didn't ask if he expected her to over the past, over being at the hospital, being around her all this time, having kissed her, having slept with her, or a combination of it all... though she would guess the latter on that. Instead, she closed her eyes and leaned her head down to his chest.

"I don't want to yell at you anymore, Angel," she told him. "I don't want to yell or fight anymore. I was coming back here to see you because I didn't want to fight with you anymore and I wanted to clear the air with us. Because I missed you and I..." she trailed off. "I know you have spent all this time thinking had I woken up and saw you there and if I had remembered you all hell would have broken loose, but it wouldn't have. I would have been so thankful you were there, Angel. And even with not remembering you or us... I was still thankful for you being there and for everything that you did. After all the shit that you and I went through, you still flew all the way out there when I was hurt and stayed by my side pretty much the entire time. You did everything in the world for me, when I am the last person who deserved that from you."

"You always deserve someone to be there and take care of you, Buffy," he whispered.

"Had I woken up with my memory right after the accident or when I was still in the hospital or anytime since then... I would have still been grateful for everything you've done for me. I still would have wound up in the same position, too. I would have been falling right back in love with you whether I had my memories intact or not. This is just the way it happened, and I'm okay with that. Maybe it is exactly what we needed. Maybe I needed to have that type of perspective in order to get to this point."

OoOoO

"I wasn't trying to put my work in front of you," Angel whispered. His voice sounded hoarse.

Buffy closed her eyes, cuddling closer to him. "I know. Neither of us were. It was just a stressful time and we weren't handling it very well. I see that a lot better now than I did at the time."

"Nothing happened with Darla, Buffy. I swear. Not with her or anyone else, ever."

"I know," she whispered back. She could feel tears stinging at the corner of her eyes again.

"I would have helped you with anything you needed after..." he trailed off.

Buffy swallowed hard, she looked up at him, seeing him in the same position as her. She cupped his cheek, feeling one of those unshed tears shake loose. "I know you would have, Angel," she told him. "Part of me just didn't want to see sense or logic about anything."

"I didn't mean all those things I said to you afterward. I was just... I don't even know where all of that came from. Somehow I think part of me wanted to lash out but also stupidly thought somehow it would help."

"I know. I didn't either, I was just... I was in the same boat in a lot of ways. I didn't mean any of it either, Angel."

Angel dropped his forehead down on top of hers. "I miss you," he said after a long pause.

Buffy let out a large breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.