author's note- i wanted to thank those of you who have been following this story. it means a lot to me and i apologize for the delay of this update. there is a change in chapter 5 you may be interested in. though i always planned to have ryan encounter pony joe, i mistook the timing of said event and had to go back and correct the problem. ryan now meets pony joe before astrid's trip to the city, which coincides with events happening there. thank you for your patience and enjoy.

CHAPTER ELEVEN

The days after Patsy's burial passed slowly. Each blending into the next without much notice. Astrid and Ryan did their best to keep the boredom at bay. He mastered his crutches while she cheered him on. When they'd finally run out of all ideas, Astrid carved a checkers board into a slab of wood. Using Obsidian and Formica rock for the pieces. It was crude and primitive at best but it gave them something to do other than play tic tac toe in the dirt. Food reserves started to dwindle and they discussed going back to the city but neither wanted to. Astrid didn't have the heart or stomach to go through the forest with a sharpened spear and Ryan had neither the strength nor stealth. Then Ryan happened to throw a sharp rock into the trees and killed himself a sparrow hawk. So began their primitive style of hunting. Many afternoons were spent shooting sharp stones at movable targets in the trees.

Soon a week and a half had passed. As the Northern winds blew in, it became too chilly to bathe in the stream or spend long hours out doors. So Astrid and Ryan were confined to the coziness of their refuge, and the hearth was rarely without a roaring fire. They had permanently moved downstairs with Ryan on the couch, politely leaving the bed for Astrid. Much of their waking hours were spent in conversation, though they steered clear of anything too close to heart. They spoke of their hopes and plans for the future, rarely delving into the past. It seemed the thought of "tomorrow" was just more optimistic. Ryan found himself strangely interested in Astrid's time with the Chosen and despite his better judgment asked about it.

"So what did you do for them?"

"Lotsa stuff." She shrugged, slightly uncomfortable with the subject. "I had to go through a novice program first to prove my knowledge of the great one." She rolled her eyes. "And then I went to some sort of compound where they did all sorts of things: keep unbelievers, train novices and some science stuff."

"Science?" Ryan perked up. "Did you know anyone named Jack?"

"Uh... I don't think so." Astrid frowned. "I didn't really get to know anyone. I spent most of my time in servitude when I wasn't being forced to pray. Well, actually there was this one girl. She was hurt pretty badly. I heard they were keeping her because the Guardian wanted to break her personally. I got to know her because I brought food to her room. Danni, I think her name was."

"Danni!" Ryan was surprised. "You knew Danni?"

"I knew a Danni. Why?"

"One of the leaders of my tribe was named Danni." He explained. "She disappeared after a fight with the Chosen and then later we heard they were taking all the city leaders away. We never found out what happened to her."

"What did she look like?"

"Uh, dark hair..." Ryan paused as he suddenly realized he'd never really looked at Danni. In the beginning she'd come across as nothing more than a black haired reincarnation of Amber. He couldn't even remember the color of her eyes. "Light skin, kinda tall... bossy." He admitted shyly.

"Well, she wasn't in any position to be bossy when I met her but it could be the same girl. Sounds like her."

Ryan nodded convinced they were speaking of the same person. "What happened to her?"

"After she got better I heard the Guardian had failed to (recruit) her so he was sending her away to this terrible mine. I mean it was a really awful place." Her eyes widened as though the very memory frightened her. "I've heard things about it and it's the kind of place where people go but they don't come back."

"Like a death sentence." Ryan said in a whisper and Astrid nodded.

Ryan then decided he didn't want to hear anything else about the Chosen and Astrid was glad not to talk about it. Was there anything in their lives that hadn't been touched by sadness? Ryan wondered if it were possible to move forward or would their lives forever be marred by tragedy.

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Astrid was torn from sleep by his murmurings. The fire was still a pile of glowing embers so when she turned over, she could see him clearly. Another nightmare. Seemed he had one nearly every night since she'd come back from the city with news of Salene and the baby. She watched him stir restlessly before slipping out of bed to his side where she nudged him gently.

"Ryan wake up. It's okay."

Ryan's eyes snapped open just as Salene stepped off the roof. He turned frantic eyes at Astrid as he focused on her silhouette in the dim fire light.

"It's okay." She comforted softly. "It was just a dream."

He sighed as his heart beat slowed. He'd been having the same terrible dream of Salene's suicide. His mind picturing what it might have looked like. Always he called out to her and always she looked back once before jumping. He felt sadness in her eyes but mostly, accusation. He was positive she blamed him for what happened. For not being there for her and their unborn child.

He was grateful that like always Astrid didn't ask what he'd dreamed. She was simply there when he woke, pulling him back from the dark abyss into her comforting presence. He lay there while she timidly rubbed his arm. Astrid wasn't one for physical expression so when she did touch him, he both relished and shunned the contact. Feeling guilty for enjoying her touch and too scared to respond.

"Ryan, are you alright?" She asked after several minutes of silence.

He nodded and was regretful as she pulled away. Surprisingly instead of returning to bed, Astrid sat on the floor and leaned against the couch. She grabbed a stick and began to poke at the smoldering embers. Ryan watched as the flames began to dance under her expertise. He was feeling warmer and he wasn't sure if it was from the fire or her presence.

"I hate nightmares." Astrid said quietly.

Ryan looked at her in surprise. He wouldn't have guessed that someone as self assured as Astrid would be plagued by nightmares.

"I keep seeing her on the roof." Ryan whispered causing Astrid to turn to him. "I try to tell her to stop but she can't hear me... or won't hear me."

Astrid sighed and gazed at the fire. She wished it hadn't been her to deliver the horrible news to Ryan. Though she wanted him to stay with her, if she could she'd bring back his wife and child. If only for a second so he could smile. He deserved so very much to smile.

"I shouldn't have left her." Ryan spoke again, melancholy in his voice. "You were right. I should've joined the Chosen and stayed with her."

She turned to him. "No Ryan. I don't think I was right. It took a lot of bravery to do what you did. If more people had fought back that way, then maybe the Chosen wouldn't have been able to do the damage they did."

"I should have been there." He insisted, his eyes wide with guilt. "It's my fault they died."

"No." Astrid said firmly. "No it's not. The Chosen are responsible for that. And someday they'll pay for their crimes." She looked down briefly thinking of Tesh and how she simply walked away from him... and Learies and Danni. "We'll all pay for our crimes." She finished softly thinking of her small part in the Chosen's path of destruction.

"You weren't one of them." Ryan whispered gazing at her.

A hint of a smile played on her lips as she was pleased he didn't group her in with those blue robed fanatics. For a moment she felt lost in his light eyes and thought how lucky Salene had been to be loved by such a boy. How her heart must have broken when she thought she'd lost him. If only she'd known how much he still loved her. Astrid longed for a love as true and honest and perhaps it was this desperate wish that made her forget herself. Without thinking she leaned in and planted a soft kiss in Ryan's lips. Before he could respond Astrid was already apologizing.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry..."

Astrid couldn't believe she'd done something so reckless. How could she be so stupid as to kiss a boy still lamenting his dead wife? Hadn't her experiences taught her anything? Was she a glutton for punishment? While Astrid silently berated herself, Ryan sat stunned and touched his lips where the heat of hers remained. He couldn't believe she'd kissed him. Judging from the blush in her cheeks he guessed it wasn't a pity kiss. Having an irrepressible desire to feel that heat again, Ryan leaned forward pulling Astrid by her shirt and connected their lips once more.

It took her a few seconds to realize she and Ryan were kissing again. At first Astrid resisted before melting into the warmth of his mouth. A shuddering sigh passed between them as they slowly pulled apart. Despite the shock in her eyes, Astrid's expression was clearly smitten as she gazed back at Ryan. They stared at one another in silence waiting for someone to end the moment. Finally Astrid cleared her throat and broke eye contact.

"It's late." She said quietly. "G'night."

Ryan barely nodded as he watched her climb back into bed. She offered him a shy glance before turning over to face the wall. Astrid didn't want him to see the smile on her face. She couldn't believe what had happened and at the moment she didn't want to worry about what it meant. In minutes she'd suddenly gone from a tough, street survivalist old before her time to a blushing, adolescent girl with butterflies in her stomach.

Ryan continued to look at her slim figure a few minutes more before lying back on the couch. A large grin spread over his lips as he stared into space. He couldn't remember the last time he'd felt so... content. For so long he'd dreamed of Salene, wanting to be everything to her. Forever regretting what they'd lost. Perhaps it was time to start dreaming of someone else.