CHAPTER TWELVE

The next day Astrid opened her eyes and felt an immediate sinking in her stomach. She remembered she and Ryan's kiss and in the harsh light of morning it seemed an even worse idea than she'd initially thought. 'How could I be so stupid?' She thought. 'Something like this can only lead to heartache. He only kissed me because he's hurting and vulnerable right now. And I kissed him because I'm lonely. That's all it is. Right?' As she rubbed the sleep from her eyes, she didn't know that on the couch Ryan was stirring awake with a completely different take on the situation. His was a bashful smile that greeted the break of day. The sun was brighter, the air was fresher. He felt as though a veil of melancholy had been lifted and he could begin anew. Astrid had kissed him and damn if that didn't make him blush. He finally sat up and caught Astrid in the same motion.

"Morning." He smiled at her.

"Mornin'."

Astrid didn't meet his eyes as she fumbled out of bed and slipped into her boots. He watched as she nearly fell over with uncharacteristic clumsiness before going into the kitchen. Something was wrong. Ryan could sense by her body language that she was upset. And he assumed she was most likely upset with him. 'Isn't it always that way?' He thought before getting off the couch. As he came up behind her, Ryan felt that there was nothing more natural than reaching out to caress her bare arms. He longed to bury his head in the curve of her neck and lose himself in the scent of her hair. He of course resisted and settled for standing next to her. She was scrambling sparrow eggs on the camping stove.

"Smells good."

Astrid only nodded in response. Ryan stared at her profile for a moment trying to figure out what he had done wrong. Finally he looked away.

"Are there any mint leaves left?" He thought of his morning breath.

"Check the box on the shelf." She finally spoke.

She and Ryan had discovered the bushel of mint in the back yard. It made a real soothing tea and when chewed freshened breath as well. Ryan reached for the box and as he lost his balance, absently placed a hand on the small of Astrid's back to steady himself. Glancing into the empty box he then dropped it to the table in disappointment. He didn't realize his hand was still on Astrid until he felt the rise of heat against his palm.

He looked at her, surprised by the flush growing in her cheeks. Ryan found himself uncontrollably gravitating closer, slowly slipping his arm around her waist. His lips were now just grazing her ear and she could feel his breath coming out in small nervous shudders. Astrid's heart hammered against her rib cage as she realized she needed only to turn her head slightly in order to kiss him. Just as he was about to caress her face with his other hand, Astrid gasped and broke from his enclosing embrace.

"I need a walk." She exclaimed, grabbing her coat and leaving the cabin.

Ryan watched, the emptiness of her vacant presence weighing heavily on him. He understood what Astrid was trying to say. Last night had been a mistake. She didn't want him. Staring down at the eggs bubbling and whitening with heat, he decided he wouldn't pursue this. In his experiences, Ryan had learned that when a girl said no, at least to him, she meant it.

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The next couple of days passed just as slowly as those that had proceeded them. Only now in a tense silence. Ryan and Astrid hardly spoke a word to each other aside from social pleasantries. Astrid did whatever she could to avoid Ryan and went on so many walks, her cheeks were red from wind burn. She couldn't stop herself from thinking about him though. Her mind raced with thoughts of his kiss and her body ached to feel him again. What was she so afraid of? Why couldn't she just acknowledge how she felt for him? Astrid could no longer convince herself that the kiss hadn't meant something. On the contrary it meant the world. If only she didn't have the nagging reminder of what would happen should Ryan leave. Because the truth was, he would. They always did. Astrid was convinced that she was cursed to lose everything she loved. She always had. Why should that change now?

Ryan simply followed her lead and sat in silence, playing checkers alone. Inside his mind was a growing discussion. He wondered how he hadn't noticed his feelings for Astrid before. It was clear the kiss had awakened emotions buried beneath his grief. As though she'd broken a spell with her lips. Ryan had always thought Astrid was attractive, especially her eyes, and she had a sweet vulnerability just under her hardened surface. But now he was forced to acknowledge that he liked her as more than a companion. Somehow while he was distracted with his loss, her very presence had crept into his pores and was now buried deep within his subconscious.

He watched her as she moved about the cabin. Since she avoided eye contact at all costs, it was easy. He admired the way her mass of dark dreadlocks trailed down her back, the softness of her shoulders, the subtle curve of her backside, or the way her skin glowed in the natural pools of light from the window. He even sometimes found himself awake and gazing at her peaceful, unconscious figure across the room.

Finally on day three Ryan had enough. He couldn't live like this in a home of forced silence. The air was so thick with tension he could hardly breathe. He now knew what Astrid meant to him which made her rejection even more painful to bear. He had to get out of there. There was no way he could stand by and have his heart shredded by yet another woman who didn't love him. He couldn't go through that again. He wouldn't go through that again.

He decided to leave, though he wasn't certain where he would go. The city held too many bad memories for him and despite recent evidence, he wasn't a country boy. He thought about going to the coast. As a kid he'd lived by the beach and loved it. Since the virus though he hadn't been back. Perhaps it would be a good place to start over.

Ryan wasn't looking forward to telling Astrid about his plans but went in search of her anyways. He found her by the stream, avoiding him of course. The sharp breeze was whipping her loose hairs every which way and her cheeks were red and ruddy but she showed no sign of moving anytime soon. She could hear him limping up behind her and Astrid fought back the urge to gaze back at him.

"Astrid."

"Hm?" She didn't turn at his presence.

"I have to talk to you."

"What is it?"

Ryan sighed as she refused to look at him. He could tell she was cold and it took every fiber in his body not to reach an arm around her small, trembling shoulders. For a few seconds he studied her face: the curve of her nose, the shape of her lips... as though he were memorizing every detail. Regardless of what happened, Ryan was glad he met her and would never forget the short time they'd spent together. When Astrid had yet to meet his eyes, he sighed again. 'Better get this over with.'

"I'm leaving."

Astrid flinched. "When?"

"Tomorrow. I can walk pretty good without the crutches now and I don't think my leg will ever get any better than it is."

Nodding, Astrid looked down sadly. "Where will you go?"

"I'm thinking the beach maybe." Ryan shrugged. "I miss the water." He waited for a response and when all she did was nod, he continued. "I appreciate everything you did for me. You saved my life." Ryan felt his throat tighten. "I'll always remember that." 'Ask me to stay.' He thought desperately as he wanted nothing more than to be with her.

Astrid finally looked at him. "You're welcome." She whispered.

Their eyes locked for a moment and Ryan saw a flickering of something... was it regret... in Astrid's. But before he could say a word she looked back at the icy flow of water before them. Staring at the back of her head Ryan finally looked down with understanding. She wasn't going to ask him to stay. She didn't want him to stay. Nodding to himself, Ryan turned away while he still had the strength to make the right decision.

Astrid felt her heart shatter in her chest as she listened to his retreating footsteps. He was leaving, just as she always knew he would. She could no longer deny that what she felt for Ryan was deeper than anything she'd experienced before. Was it love? She wasn't certain but it hurt no less to see him go. This was what she'd tried to protect herself against. What she'd feared. Love always led to pain and it just wasn't worth it.

Astrid frowned and thought of the first moment she'd seen Ryan's eyes open. She thought about how his soft gaze seemed to penetrate the cold, unused recesses of her heart. How his smile melted her defenses and how his very presence caused her to tremble. A small smile played on her lips as Astrid realized that despite everything, she'd do it all again just to experience one honest moment with Ryan. It was worth it.

Suddenly Astrid spun around. "Ryan!" She called out and ran after him. She couldn't let him go.

He turned and was more than surprised as Astrid bombarded him, planting a heated kiss on his lips. Despite his best efforts Ryan melted into her embrace. He let out a staggered breath as she slowly pulled away, gazing into his eyes.

"I don't want you to go." She said in a whisper.

Ryan looked at her with uncertainty. "Is that why you're kissing me? So I won't go? If it is, don't do it."

"No." Astrid swallowed, scared by this uncharacteristic risk she was taking. "I want you stay because I like you. I really, really like you."

"Good." Ryan's expression softened. "Because I'm starting to love you."

Astrid stared back, mouth agape. "What?"

"I said..."

"Wait, don't." She quickly pressed a finger to his lips. "You'll jinx it."

He smiled at her widely before kissing her once more.