"You remembered," were the first words he heard after picking up the phone.
"I remember everything about us," he told her softly. When he never got a response he said a soft, "Hey," into the phone. Then again when she still didn't respond. He heard her sniffle finally and said her name.
"I love them," she managed out.
"Well, I'm glad," he told her, his voice still as gentle as possible.
"I just miss you."
He sighed. "I miss you, too, beautiful. Do you want me to come home?"
"Yes," then she let out a huge sigh herself. "No. I mean I do... but you need to be there right now. I think I can make it a few more hours. Maybe."
"Want me to bring something home?"
"Nope! I'm going to surprise you with dinner tonight."
Angel chuckled. "You are?"
"That I am."
"I will act completely shocked," he vowed.
"You had better."
OoOoO
Angel was fairly certain that he hadn't even been back at the house a full minute before he was inside Buffy again. She'd nearly pounced on him as soon as the door opened, everything in his hands quickly falling to the floor around them as he brought her into his arms. Buffy's own hands wasted no time going to the front of his black pants as he kissed her, his body backing her against the door until it closed behind them.
Angel groaned as her warm hand guided him out of his pants and the opening of his boxer shorts and slid a condom on. Angel lifted her up, quickly shutting the door behind them as his body pushed hers against it. Angel groaned again as he found her wearing absolutely nothing underneath the skirt she had on.
"In," Buffy had breathed out her first words to him since his arrival. "Hi," was her next once he was fully seated inside her.
"Hi," he echoed.
OoOoO
After their immediate needs had been met, both had gotten cleaned up and Angel followed through with his promise to remain surprised at the meal Buffy had prepared for them. "I figured we were eating out a lot and maybe getting back to some of our formally normal routines would be nice," she said as they sat down.
Angel told her that his new work schedule was almost fully worked out so that should help. Wolfram And Hart had been good to him over the years and it was home in many ways but he knew if it impaired his relationship with Buffy ever again he would happily wave goodbye and find something else. His higher ups were working with him as much as possible though to make sure he had a good balance between everything he needed to do. He knew he would be able to work from home quite a bit more soon but that also meant he needed to get on the ball with setting his office back up in the house.
"I still have no idea what I even want to do," Buffy told him. "I was looking through the paper earlier and I guess later I might do an online search for new jobs in the area."
"If you want," he replied. "I don't want you pushing yourself too much. You are still recovering."
Buffy playfully rolled her eyes at him. "Yeah, yeah... I know. But I feel so restless just fiddling around here all day- especially when you're not here."
"You could always be my assistant."
Buffy shot him a look. "And what do you need assistance with?" Angel just winked at her.
OoOoO
Much later in the evening, Angel crawled into the bed, and Buffy found her body melding easily against his. "What are you over here sighing about?" he asked her. Buffy nodded toward the phone in her hand and he peered over her hair before asking to see it. She handed it over and he turned back on his back so she flipped to her other side and pillowed her head on his chest.
"There 's only been one I've seen and liked... I keep coming back to it but I don't know..." He looked down at her and she sighed again. "It's teaching a few hours at a preschool during the week."
"You'd be perfect for that."
Buffy looked elsewhere in the room. "Yeah... maybe. I just worry I'd be constantly reminded of what we could have right now if things had been different," she told him quietly. "Or worse... It would all just make me wish we were working on having a baby right now." Buffy felt him pull her closer to him, dropping a kiss on the crown of her head. Her eyes closed and she cursed the tears that formed and fell slowly onto his skin.
"Come here," he whispered. Her phone was placed off to the side and he lifted her up to him, her nose now brushing against his.
"I really want a baby with you," she whispered.
Angel kissed her, his lips barely brushing against hers. "I know," he whispered. "And I promise you that we are going to make a family."
"But not right now." Buffy knew that they couldn't right now, it wouldn't be right, but that didn't mean it didn't sting all the same.
"The second we have this mess we are in all sorted out," he promised her in a whisper.
Buffy wiped at her eyes. "But I don't know when that will be. I don't know how to just get us there."
He kissed her again. "I don't either, Buffy. If I had a road map or a list of directions saying do A, B, C, D... and everything will be back to the way it should be then I would be blowing through that list like it was nothing. But we don't have that, we just have us together trying to figure it all out as we go."
Buffy felt more tears coming and wiped them away as well. Sometimes the past felt like it was crushing her. Sometimes the unknowing of the present felt like it was crushing her, too.
Angel's eyes burned as he struggled to control his own emotions, it killed him to see her falling apart like this. "Shhh, baby. Please," he whispered into her hair, as she buried her face in his neck trying to control her sobs.
His hands slipped beneath the shirt she was wearing, which he noticed was actually his, to trace a soothing path up and down her sides. He hesitated for only a moment before he spoke. "After I finally left, that last time. I used to have these dreams. Though, I'm not even sure I would call them that, I didn't even have to be asleep for them to occur, and I became so enveloped in them. In this world I created within my mind, it was how I survived. It was the only way I made it through our divorce."
Her tears softened as she listened to him speak. Shifting so she could see him better, she settled in the crook of his arm, her leg splayed across his lower half, clutching onto him as though he may disappear she whispered softly between sniffles. "Wh-What were they? Umm, your dreams I mean, what were they about exactly?"
He wasn't sure if telling her any of this would help either of them, but he needed her to know that she wasn't alone. That they were going through these emotions together, and most importantly that they both wanted more, even if neither of them knew how to get there.
"Us. You, our family." he felt her stiffen slightly at the mention of the word family. Closing his eyes he allowed his mind to wander back to those dark times.
"You had stopped taking birth control a few weeks before that final incident with Darla. Before Spike. We had decided that we wouldn't actively try for a baby, but we would stop trying to prevent you from getting pregnant. Things between us then, even the weeks prior were a little tense, and we had only made love a few times… But still, every single day in that courtroom I imagined you walking in wearing one of those cardigans you love so much, trying to conceal your growing belly, asking to stop the divorce proceedings…"
Taking a deep breath, Angel used his free hand to rub his temples as a single tear escaped down his cheek.
Buffy worked her lips between her teeth, after Spike of course the thought had occurred to her about the possibility of pregnancy. Though she didn't have daydreams. She had nightmares about having to abort a child that could have possibly been Angel's. Thanks to whatever powers that be it never came to that, but it broke her heart even more to know that was exactly what Angel was wishing for.
"I knew logically that a surprise pregnancy was the absolute last thing we needed thrown into our lives, and knowing what I do now about Spike… I'm so glad that's not something you had to go through... I'm fairly certain I was in some state of shock for weeks after I left you in Sunnydale, then when we actually started going to court... My brain just couldn't accept that you weren't going to be my wife anymore. My soul was being torn from my body, and at that time I would have done anything to get you back. Consequences be damned."
Buffy cupped his cheek in her palm, turning his head towards her, kissing his lips softly, she slowly pulled back, as a mischievous smile spread across her face. "So what you're really saying is that if we "accidently" were to get pregnant, then we could get married again and live happily ever after?"
Angel couldn't help the laugh that escaped him, his girl was relentless. Flipping them over he pinned her beneath him, nibbling down her neck, he nipped her bottom lip when she turned towards him, cutting off his access.
When she opened her eyes, the seriousness of his gaze caught her off guard. "The point I was trying to make, was that at our worst moments… When I thought you hated me, I still wanted, I still needed you to be my wife. I can't survive without you Buffy Summers, I tried and I failed. Lindsey tried to force me to move on, but I couldn't. Even now wrapped in your arms, in our bed, I still feel like I can't catch my breath because you're not Mrs. O'connor, at least not in the way that counts… and I think that needs to be rectified before we can make any decision regarding babies."
He held her gaze letting his words sink in. He had been wanting to tell her all of this for so long, but now that the words had been spoken, it left him feeling exposed. They had barely finished unpacking his belongings, and they were already discussing marriage and children. The last thing he wanted to do was rush, or push her into something she wasn't ready for. Yet, the relief he felt was indescribable. As much as he wanted them to be, they weren't just a normal couple, not anymore. In all honesty this conversation was a little overdue.
She watched a myriad of emotions play across his features. Hadn't she just tried explaining to Willow that she couldn't stand the fact that she wasn't his wife, even if it was only a legality. For the first time in a very long time, since before her accident, even before Spike or Darla, she felt a sense of peace. Like she was finally, like they were finally where they were supposed to be, together.
Her hand freed from his grasp, she softly traced along the ridge of his brow. "I think we just figured out step A." Pulling his lips down to her own, she poured all of her thoughts, her hopes and dreams into their kiss.
As it seemed to do between them, things quickly went from smoldering to explosive. He swiftly pulled his t-shirt up and over her head. Making his way down her body, he stopped briefly to place a single kiss to her abdomen just below her bellybutton. Not wanting to linger, he bit onto the lace of her panties. His hands gripped her ass, as he urged her to lift her hips, so that he could work the garment down her legs.
After discarding his own clothes, he returned to her aching center, but just as he was about to taste her, she gripped his hair forcing him back up to her. He tilted his head in unspoken question just as her hand reached between them and encircled his throbbing cock. With an agonizing slowness, Buffy worked him with her hand until his hips were moving on their own accord. It was so empowering knowing that she could reduce this stoic man, to such a quivering mess.
Kissing him once more, she jumped when he nearly growled, pushing her hands away so that he could position himself at her entrance. Undulating her hips, just the slightest amount, she shivered as the hot length of him ran along her center. Pressing her face against his, she couldn't fight the slight smile as she whispered in his ear. "Don't forget the condom lover."
OoOoO
Angel's fingertips danced across his desktop as he stared off aimlessly at the wall. His mind was not staying with his work today at all, he was thankful he had some time between meetings to just do a whole lot of nothing.
Angel heard his phone let off a little 'ding' sound and reached over to grab it, grinning at the text. 'Maybe y'all need some sort of self help book or something. Remarrying Your Ex For Dummies perhaps? - Lindsey.'
Angel sat the phone back down and shook his head. 'If only,' he thought. He was beyond elated that he knew both he and Buffy were on the same page about what they wanted... some of these bigger goals they wished to achieve... making sure they were husband and wife again, planning to build a family as the next step after she was his in every way once more... But the getting to that Step A had his mind reeling at times.
He didn't want to rush into it, well... he did... but at the same time he wanted to make sure their mistakes of the past would not be repeated. He wanted to make sure that their wounds had healed from the words and actions they put one another through those years past. He did not want to bring any of that negativity into their world again.
He wanted to make amends for the hurtful words he'd hurled at her and to make one hundred percent sure that she knew what he truly felt, that all of that was out of a dark place and nothing more than that. Angel wanted to make sure that they had trust between them, that jealousy and rage wouldn't come between them once more, that Buffy wouldn't ever even question his loyalty to her ever again.
Angel needed her to know that she was it for him, she always would be. He needed her to trust and believe him on that, that he'd never betray her in that manner, that he would never hurt her like that in a million years. He had thought she knew that the first time they went on this journey but shit sure hit the fan with Darla. Yes, Darla had made some very strong strides to make it believable that he was up to no good fooling around with her but he wanted to make sure that this time Buffy never had to even question it for a second. No matter what.
Then, on the other side of that, like he'd been discussing this morning with Lindsey was the fact of how in the hell you even go about marrying someone a second time. His brain would start to hurt if he even thought about any of it too long.
He would look down at his wedding ring or at hers and wonder if he was supposed to get a new set. He loathed that idea, though. His ring hadn't left him once and he didn't think he could bear to part with it. Getting them professionally cleaned prior to any such occasion or something he could maybe deal with. Thinking about the rings would always have him wondering back to proposals... having a ring could be tricky when she already has it. He felt like he'd done the perfect proposal already so he had no idea how he'd make it special when the day ever did come. He spent a lot of time daydreaming up different ideas on that.
He knew they'd discuss it when the time came but he couldn't help but want to panic when he imagined what would happen next. He'd already given her the dream wedding she wanted, it was beautiful, it was perfect... You couldn't exactly recreate that and it not seem a little strange.
A courthouse wedding didn't seem to justify their journey either.
He really had no idea what she might want for the day when it came to be. He knew he'd be on board with anything she wanted, though. Bigger and better, small and intimate, anything was fine with him as long as she was happy and it truly happened at the end of the day.
He thought about the timing a lot, too. They already had an anniversary date, one Buffy had been dead set on from the day he even proposed the first time. He wondered if you should keep the day, pick a new one... it was all one question after another when he let his mind really go there.
He'd counted the days and weeks to what was once his favorite day more times than he'd like to admit. He didn't want to put pressure on either of them to get their acts together by X day but he also hated the idea of it passing them by then waiting for another year... if they decided to keep their previous wedding day the same anyhow.
Angel sighed, rubbing a hand down his face. "I'm getting too damn ahead of myself," he said out loud to the otherwise empty room.
OoOoO
Buffy's eyes fluttered to the clock once again then back to her laptop. She didn't know which was worse... being anxious about meeting up with Xander for lunch or trying to fill out her resume for the teaching job. She'd always loved working with kids, she'd helped out at with after school care with the elementary school for years before she'd left California and had worked in daycare before as well. Hell, the teaching position would put her years spent in college to use, too.
Looking it over again, Buffy studied the requirements, the description, everything she could about the job offered and the school itself before she put her resume under the magnifying glass one last time. She shook both her hands into the air for a moment before taking a deep breath and hitting "Send Resume To Employer."
Letting out a deep breath, she closed the laptop and looked at the time again. She was about to grab her phone and check on Xander when she heard the familiar rumbling of his truck as it got closer to the house. She used to tease him over the fact you could hear him roaring down the road from a mile away but it became a thing of comfort over the years.
She quickly pulled their ham and mozzarella sliders out of the oven where she had left them to keep warm and made sure everything else looked alright before making her way to the door. "Hey, Xan," she greeted as she opened the door, a big smile on her face as she pulled her friend in for a big hug.
"The Buffster! I always feel like it's been years when I see you anymore."
Buffy asked him how he was as she stepped out of the way to let him join her inside. He rubbed his hands together and his eyes wandered around the living area and up toward the stairs as he answered. "He's not here, Xander," Buffy told him as she rolled her own eyes at him. "Angel is at work. In LA."
"Just making sure," he replied. Shutting his eyes, he breathed deeply, smelling the air. " Hmmm, smells like yummy goodness, lead the way my lady."
Buffy shook her head at his antics, leading the way into the kitchen she prepared herself for what was about to come.
OoOoO
Later that evening, Buffy sat on the couch wrapped up in her favorite blanket. Angel would be home soon, but she just couldn't pull herself together, picking up her cell she quickly put an order in for Dominos. Hopefully he wouldn't mind the take out again.
Her thoughts were still on Xander, and their earlier visit. As she expected the conversation wasn't an easy one to have, she definitely didn't enjoy reliving the Spike parts, but at least now he knew.
He had apologized to her, telling her what everyone else did. That he wished she would have confided in him, that she shouldn't have had to go through something like that alone. That he was sorry, and had he known he would have been more supportive. He admitted that Angel was still far from his favorite person, despite everything, but he vowed to at least try to be civil.
Then in true Xander fashion he jumped right to the tough questions, the Angely ones. The ones that she wished she had the answers too, the best she could give him was that they were trying, that they had end goals, and that as far as she was concerned Angel was going to be a part of her life, forever. It was the how to's, the when's, and the where's that she couldn't answer.
Those were the questions that had her sulking in her favorite pajamas that afternoon. She was glad that Angel had finally opened up last night, at least they knew they both wanted to end up in the same place. She just wasn't sure if they were working on the same timeline, and she had so many questions. Questions she didn't even begin to know how to ask, things she didn't know how to say.
Even though they had spoken in length about everything that happened between them, sometimes she still felt like he hadn't fully forgiven her, she often wondered if he had doubts. What Spike did to her was awful, but before that, all her insecurities. All the times she hadn't believed Angel when he swore there was nothing going on… all that was on her. She would have never been raped, they would have never been divorced, they could have everything they wanted right now if she had just trusted him.
He said that not being married made it hard to breathe, but he didn't say "Hey, let's get married Saturday". She didn't know if she was supposed to wait for him to propose, or if they were just supposed to decide they were going to the courthouse over breakfast.
Their anniversary was in three months, were they supposed to wait until then to get married again? Their wedding anniversary was also the date that he had first stood in her class, the day they first met. She didn't want to just pick some random new day, their day was already special. It was their day, but three months wasn't very much time to figure everything out, and fifteen months just seemed like an eternity.
Knowing Angel, he would probably want to mark the occasion with some sort of extravagance, but she didn't care about any of that. She just wanted to be his again. She wanted their wedding day to remain their wedding day, she didn't want a new one. She didn't want new rings, not when theirs had been through so much with them. She didn't even want a second honeymoon, everything they had was perfect the first time… no need for improvement.
A commercial came across the television catching her attention. It was an ad for pampers...A new mom, drenched in sweat from strenuous labor was handed a tiny swaddled bundle of perfection. Her husband huddled over shoulder, beaming with pride.
Buffy couldn't stop the tears that formed behind her eyes. She had never understood the girls that went all gaga over a drooling baby. In the past she had always avoided them, not that she didn't like kids, she just preferred them once they could speak. The term "baby fever" had never made much sense to her before, but now it almost seemed like children, babies, her and Angel's babies specifically were taking over more and more of her thoughts.
All of these racing thoughts were giving her a headache, why wasn't there like an anti divorce, or undivorce option. Who knew getting back together could be just as complicated as breaking up.
OoOoO
Traffic in L.A. had been terrible, it had taken him nearly two hours to reach Sunnydale. He had been trying to reach Buffy on her cell, but she hadn't answered which was worrying him more than he liked. Pressing down on the gas pedal, he once again increased his speed, while citing a silent prayer.
As he pulled into the driveway he noticed that everything seemed normal, nothing was out of place. Stepping out of the car, he raced up the sidewalk. The door was locked, which he thought was a good sign. Fishing the keys out of his slacks pocket, he shoved it in the door, and raced into the house.
The sight that greeted him was the last thing he expected. Buffy was curled into a ball on the couch, silent tears streaming down her face. A box of tissues sat on the coffee table, he didn't know what happened but it had to have something to do with Xander. After last night he thought they were making progress, he certainly hadn't expected to walk into this, her falling apart.
Shrugging his coat off, he dropped it across the back of the chair she had insisted on reupholstering. She hadn't even noticed he was home yet as he crouched beside her, stroking the hair back from her face.
Instantly her eyes snapped open locking with his. She couldn't believe she hadn't heard him come in, the last thing she wanted was for him to find her like this. She wasn't even sure how long she had been crying for, she sort of just spaced.
Quickly wiping the tears from her eyes, she attempted to sit up "I'm sorry."
Angel looked furious, no matter how he tried to hide it, the anger always poured from his eyes. "What happened, what in the hell did that little wood working asshole say!?"
Confused, it took her a second to realize that he was talking about Xander. "No, it wasn't Xander, he didn't do anything, I swear."
Scooting over to make room for him, she grabbed his hand, urging him to sit next to her. Without hesitation, Angel wrapped his arm around her, pulling her close to him, he placed a kiss to the side of her head. "Talk to me, did something happen?"
He had no idea what was going on, if it wasn't Harris that said something, then he couldn't think of a single reason why she would be so upset.
"I'm sorry," she repeated, crying harder now.
"For what?" he asked gently.
Buffy took a shaky breath. "For e-everyth-thing. I'm sorry for everything, Angel. I'm sorry for how things are with us right now... I'm sorry that we are stuck in this weird space of trying to figure out how to be together and how to get back to where we should be in the first place. I'm sorry that we are both here wanting to be husband and wife and we can't be... y-yet. I hate that there's a yet. I'm sorry that we don't have a family, sorry that we have to figure out our mess before we bring a baby into it. I am sorry that I didn't tell you about Darla's stupid ass brother earlier than I did. I'm sorry that I didn't tell anyone about him... I'm sorry that I was cruel and horrible afterward. I'm sorry that I didn't trust you or that I didn't believe in myself enough back then. I don't even know why I let that fucking woman ruin our lives. I hate myself for it. I'm sorry that I was-"
Angel pulled her into his lap, squeezing her to him as tight as he could without hurting her. She continued to ramble on, however, until he kissed her, cutting the words off. She only broke down more when they came up for air though. "Buffy, we've been through a lot of this," he told her softly. "I'm not blaming you for anything... there is an endless fucking list of things I wish I could go back and do over. There's a list of things I wish I had handled differently, any number of damn things that I did that wound up just tearing us apart more."
Buffy hiccuped. "I sh-should have just believed you, Angel..."
He sighed, his eyes closing. "You have no idea how much I wish you would have," he whispered. "I understand how hard everything being put in front of you must have made it damn near impossible but fuck do I ever hate the fact you ever questioned it. The fact of you believing I would hurt you like that, that I would ever want someone other than you crushed me. Trying to constantly reassure you and prove to you that I would never do that and just getting shut down over and over... it felt like I was drowning. I hated that I couldn't just get you to trust me."
"It was all just so m-much at once..."
"I know, baby," he whispered. "But I still hate it. And it terrifies me to think of going through it again with you. All I want is a forever with you, that's all I have wanted since the moment I laid eyes on you. And here we are, getting one hell of a second chance to make that still come to be... and I am driving myself nearly mad wanting to just beg you to be my wife again and make it official again as soon as damn possible... and yet I am over here spinning in circles trying to figure out how to make sure something like that will never be an issue again. I still don't know how to get you to trust me," he told her. "I would never survive losing you again."
"You won't," Buffy quickly shook her head. She moved around until she was straddling him, both her hands coming up to cup his face. "I'm sorry I didn't trust you before," she repeated, her voice cracking. "I don't even know what was wrong with me other than I was too in my head and too self conscious or whatever else... but I do trust you, Angel. Now more than I ever have... I would never let us repeat that part of our history, Angel. I don't care about the circumstances, it will never happen again. No one will ever be able to tear us apart, not even ourselves if we just do this... I don't know how to show you that I do either other than just proving it day after day with us together..."
"Beyond that, Buffy... though... I need you to trust in us. Fully. I need you to know my heart belongs only to you and for you to let me show that each and every day, I need you to know that all the shitty things I had done and said aren't what's real in my heart or how I truly feel about you. We both need to leave those awful, worthless things we did to one another in that place and not bring it into our future, ever. We need... I need you to know you can come to me about anything. You can talk to me about anything... whether it's good or it's bad, if it isn't something I want to hear, if it'll start an argument...whatever the damn case, know that I am here and we will work through anything. I will do anything for you, Buffy..."
Buffy kissed him so hard he was sure he tasted blood when his lip gnashed into his teeth. "All I want is for you to be with me." Buffy placed her hands on his shoulders and took a moment to collect her thoughts. "I keep thinking all the could have been's lately, or... more than usual lately anyhow. Then with Xander today it just struck so much home to me all over again how screwed up everything was and how I had no idea the details of how to fix this mess. We made a lot of mistakes, I know that, but we learned from there the hardest way. The future isn't going to have those problems, it can't."
"Maybe we do a little less worrying about what was now, or about what could have been... Maybe we focus a lot more of what is and what will be?" Buffy looked down at her lap, her fingers toying with her rings. His own thumb instinctively went to his own wedding ring. "We have a lot of the same fears and worries which maybe after tonight those can be put to rest, at least mostly to rest... we also have a lot of the same hopes and dreams for what our lives will hold. It feels like it's one thing to know we want to get married again or that we want to have a child together... but it's a little unsettling trying to figure out things like..."
"How to marry the same person again?" she interrupted.
"Yeah..." he said slowly, "Exactly." He told her how he'd had that on his mind this morning and even having attempted to reach out to Lindsey on the subject.
ButImBroken:
This story is cowritten with Scribes1015!