The Vampire's Assist Out-takes

There was a brief struggle , then Stanley was sliding to the floor, unconscious, unseeing, unknowing. Above him the two creatures of the night moved in for the feed.

"I thought you said he was a pizza man," Larten Crepsley whines and then bursts into fits of laughter.

"Ha ha very funny," I say sarcastically, "From the top people!"

As soon as the blood oozed out, he clamped his mouth around the cut and sucked.

" Mmm… is this raspberry sauce or strawberry, it really beats the ketchup you used last time," Larten says, licking his lips.

"Larten! Couldn't you save it till we'd finished the scene?" I groan.

"Oops, I am sorry Darren," he replies looking sheepish.

The crunch came when Danny pinched me in a very painful place! Even vampires have their limits! I gave a roar and crouched down, wincing from the pain. Danny laughed and sped away with the ball.

"Come back here you gay little ! I'll rip your limbs off you little !"

"Darren you can't write that!" Evra gasps, reading over my shoulder.

"Yeah but realistically that's what you'd yell wouldn't you?" I point out.

"Yes but this is a kids book Darren, you still can't write that," Evra tells me. I no.

"I'll cut it out then," I sigh.

"Darren," he said, "What do you think about going back and becoming a freak?"

"Excuse me!" I demand.

(laughter)

"What did I do?" Larten asks innocently but I can see the ghost of a smirk playing at his lips.

"You'd better answer," he warned, "Or I'll tell her to take your eyes out."

"I…I…I'm Duh- Duh,"

"Duh-brain, ok," Evra interrupts, grinning.

"Evra!" I groan, "You spoilt my moment! I'm trying to be scared out of my wits!"

"You sound like an idiot," Evra tells me helpfully.

"Evra Von what?" I asked.

"Evra Von Schlieffenberg Einstien Winglberg Hummingdick of the seventh order of mutated reptiles in human form, pleased to meet you old bean," Evra says, bowing deeply and speaking in a posh voice, pretending to hook his thumbs under invisible braces.

"You, Evra Von, are going to be the death of me," I sigh.

"I don't have any snot," Evra said.

"Snot? No what?" I ask.

"You did it again," Evra hisses, I swear loudly.

( take two)

"I don't have any snot," Evra said.

"No snot? What?" I ask. "Oh for the love of God! I hate this bloody line!"

"Do you want to come over in the afternoon and hang out with us?"

"You bet," Sam whooped, then paused. "Darren, I have a problem with this whooping thing," he hisses at me, "I just don't think that I'm the sort of person to whoop, it doesn't fit my character, I'm too dignified to do something as stupid as whooping."

"Sam, do you want this job or not? I can easily get someone else. Just follow the damn script and stop being such a drama queen!" I growl back.

"Do you think he'd fit in if he did join the show?" I asked.

Evra snorted "Like a cat in a mouse full of houses!"

(Laughter)

"Nuts! I'll do it right in a minute Darren, promise," Evra sighs.

Do you think he'd fit in if he did join the show?" I asked.

Evra snorted "Like a cat in a house full of mice!"

"Evra, if you want I can just scrap that line," I sigh, trying to hide my smile.

"No, no, I can do it, give me another chance," Evra insists.

"But this is the twenty-seventh take on this scene," I tell him.

"I can do it, I'm not thick!" he snaps.

"Bradley Stench," Evra answered darkly.

(laughter)

"Who?" I ask, grinning.

"Bradley Stench," Evra repeats, looking confused.

"Bradley Stretch," I correct him.

"Bugger!" he curses and then blushes.

Jimmy slid out the body and whipped back the sheet. The body sits up and snarls like a rabid animal, I scream and fall over and then Vancha jumps down from the refrigerated coffin.

"This never gets old," he giggles and then skips off quickly before I can recover and throttle him.

"Go away Sam," I said sadly, "Go away and don't ever come back. It's safer this way. It's better. For both of us."

"Darren I… I… I love you man lets just face facts," Sam says, grinning.

"You've spoilt that whole chapter now, you prat!" I snap.

"Sam!" I screamed. I let go of Mr. Crepsley and rushed to where the boy was lying. The wolf man had torn Sam's belly open and eaten a lot of his insides. Amazingly Sam was still alive when I got to him. His eyelids were fluttering and he was breathing lightly.

"Sam, are you ok?" I asked.

"Fine, why do you ask?" Sam asks, sitting up and grinning. I scowl at him and push him back to the ground.

"Sam! You can't die! Sam! Stay alive! You can join the Cirque and travel with us all over the world. You can… you…"

"Boo!" Sam yells, lunging at me and knocking me over.

"Sam!" I scream at him, " Stop messing about!"

"Why do I die?" Sam demands.

"Because it's unexpected and gripping," I reply.

"Is it because I'm smarter than you, are you jealous?" Sam asks suspiciously, "I can sue you know!"

"Sam! Shut up!" I growl.

"It's just so stereotypical that smart people are nerds and can't look after themselves, it makes me sick it really does…" Sam waffles on and on for a few minutes. And then I spot Larten Crepsley come up behind him, tap him on the shoulder and breathe gas into his face, knocking him unconscious.