Tunnels of Blood Out-Takes

"Hey Lefty!" I shouted, "How's it going?"

"Alright but we need a bit more!" Harkat calls back. I sigh and cover my face with my hands.

"You can't talk yet remember?" I say, trying not to shout.

"Oops, oh yeah, sorry Darren!" Harkat yells.

"Old habits die hard," he smiled.

"But old vampires die easy!" a voice growled behind us and before I knew what was happening, someone had reached around the two of us and pressed a pair of razor sharp knives to the soft flesh of our throats! Our attacker suddenly starts to laugh, snorting where he's trying to stop himself.

"Sorry! Sorry!" he chokes through giggles, "I can't help it, Darren was pulling a funny face, let's go again."

"Gavner!" I groan.

Take two

"Old habits die hard," he smiled.

"But old vampires… ha ha ha! I'm sorry I can't help it! It's the face, Darren, your face!" Gavner roars, holding his sides.

"What's wrong with my face?" I demand, outraged.

"I dunno you just look so dumb!" Gavner snorts.

"I'm supposed to be looking frightened," I grumble.

"Sorry you're just making me laugh, it is a funny face isn't it Larten?" he giggles.

"It is quite comical," Larten Crepsley admits so I hit him over the head with the flat of my hand.

"Kurda, Kurda, Kurda," Mr. Crepsley sighed. "I always could hear you coming from half a mile away."

"I'm Gavner," Gavner corrects him. Mr. Crepsley swears, spits and then blushes.

"Again?" he asks me, I nod impatiently.

"I'll tell you all about it, as soon as Larten's back is turned.

As Mr. Crepsley spun round, with fire in his eyes, the Vampires General quickly raised his hands and laughed. Then he stops and looks desperately at me.

"I've forgotten my line," he says, biting his bottom lip and looking sheepish.

"It's 'Only joking'," I sigh.

"Thanks," Gavner says, winking at me.

"Have it your own way," Mr. Crepsley rose, " I will go and clear it with Hi… hi… Hibi…Charna's guts! That bloody name!" Mr. Crepsley swears. "My mouth is not working properly today Darren, forgive me."

"It's 'Hibernius'," I giggle, happy to see Larten getting something wrong for once, an effect of that thing I slipped in his ale perhaps?

take two

"Have it your own way," Mr. Crepsley rose, "I will go and clear it with Hibernating… Hibernafifthe… Hi… Hi… I'm going to bed!" Larten grumbles and marches away leaving me at the mercy of the fit of giggles that have hold of me.

"Why Darren," she laughed, "People will think you fancy me."

I suddenly burst out laughing.

"What?" Debbie asks.

"Sorry, sorry, that's just such a stupid mushy line!" I say quietly, suddenly ashamed of myself for having laughed like that, I realise that I'm almost as bad as Gavner and that slaps a straight face back on me.

Debbie swished on confidently ahead of me. A couple of steps into the room she spotted Evra and stopped.

"Oh my God he's a freak!" she squeals.

"Debbie!" I groan.

"Sorry," she says, giving me a grin, "I couldn't resist being realistic."

"That's the grossest, greatest thing I've ever seen!" Debbie howled when Evra demonstrated his nostril-licking abilities, "Except from you of course Darren," she adds, smirking. I scowl at her.

"Hey if you're going to put that line in there for me you know you're asking for trouble!" she says defensively.

I hung just beneath the window and waited for Debbie to appear. About twenty minutes later, the light in Debbie's room snapped on. I rapped softly on the glass with my bare knuckles, then rapped again, a little harder. Footsteps approached. Suddenly the windows fly open and I let go of my grip on the wall in surprise, I fall backwards and land with a very hard, very painful thump on the pavement two storeys below. The next thing I know is that someone's tipped a bucket of freezing cold water all over me. I look up and see Debbie peering at me out of the window, a triumphant, satisfied grin on her face.

"That's what you get for being a filthy dirty pervert," she calls down to me and then shuts the window. I vow to myself that I will get her back!

I yelled as I bounded after him, screaming loudly, partly to shock him out of his attack, partly because I was so horrified by what I was doing. Suddenly I slip over on the slippery floor and go skidding into Mr. Crepsley who I land on top of awkwardly. I go to stand up and then bang my head on one of the hooks with the animal carcasses on.

"I hate this set!" I scream.

13) "Evra!" I screamed, dashing forward.

Evra emerges from behind the door.

"Sorry Darren were you worried about me? I went to get another hot dog… they're slightly addictive!" he grins.

"Debbie put you up to this didn't she," I groan. He nods, still grinning. "I swear she's trying to kill me!" I grumble, she just keeps getting me!

14)"Evra won't be able to come," I said shortly.

"Why not?"

"Because he's an aggravating git who agrees to do your dirty work for you!" I snarl and then smile smugly at her.

"Oh well done Darren, that's a quarter of a point to you I'm sure!" Debbie replies sarcastically, destroying my victory in one sentence.

15) Murlough spat at me in disgust. His spit bounced back off the grille and lands in his eye.

"Darren!" he whines, "Do I have to spit! That's the third time today it's gone all over Murlough! All over my lovely clean, crisp suit! I swear you're doing this to me on purpose, you've never liked young Murlough, no you haven't, not from day one, never, never, never."

I sigh.

"Try aiming then honey buns!" I reply sweetly, deciding to humour him.

16) "Who's there?" I asked shakily. A dry chuckle answered me. "Who is that?" I gasped. "Mr. Crepsley? Is that you? Did you follow me down? Is it-"

"No," a voice whispered in my ear. "It's not."

"Vancha!" I groan. "Where did Murlough go?"

"He needed to take a pee so I thought it would be the ideal opportunity to wind you up some more!" Vancha booms and then roars with laughter while I just stand there, steaming.

17) A groan stopped me short. Turning, I noticed I wasn't alone. Somebody else was strung upside down, a couple of metres away.

"Who's that?" I asked, certain it was Mr. Crepsley. "Who's there?"

"Father bloody Christmas!" a voice giggles.

"Debbie! You just spoilt the whole scene!" I moan.

"Well I thought if you could hang below my window for twenty minutes then I could hang upside down in a tunnel for a while, kissey- poo's?" Debbie says innocently.

"You irritating cow bag!" I scream.

18) He began pushing us, so that we were soon swinging about wildly. I felt sick. Suddenly the rope attached to my ankles snaps and I fall heavily to the floor. I wriggle around on the floor and then pull off the rope and study it, it's frayed in several places, looking as though it's been cut with a knife… Debbie!

19) He left the hand there a moment, then yanked back sharply bringing guts and a torrent of dark blood with it. Murlough groaned and collapsed to his knees, then he suddenly stands up and rushes over to me.

"Bucket!" he squeals.

"What?" I ask, confused and irritated.

"I'm gonna…" but Murlough didn't finish and the next thing I know he's bent over, puking all over the carpet. "I'm sorry," he says, emerging after a while. "It's just so disgusting, I couldn't help it… it's so realistic, I thought… sorry."

"You're weird," I tell him.

"I'm weird Darren Shan? As soon as we're finished I'm calling a doctor, the stuff you write isn't healthy, I think you need a psychiatrist or something…"

I shut him up with a quick kick on his shin.

20) "Merry Christmas, Debbie," I said softly, then turned and left, and went to rescue Evra.

"You get back here Darren Shan! I'm, not finished with you yet!" Debbie yells, sitting up in bed suddenly and pulling me back by my trousers. "Endangering my life, then leaving without so much as a goodbye or a Christmas present?" she says, outraged and then pulls me into a kiss and won't let go no matter how much I try and squirm away from her.