As she watched Angel's apparent new car pull out of the driveway and head down the road and out of sight, Buffy began to really question her decision to come out here. Of course she'd planned and thought this through the best that she could, she wanted to confront Angel about him already being prepared to divorce her, she wanted to talk to him face to face about whether that was what he truly wanted... she wanted to make sure he would be there for the most important moment in their lives when this baby girl of theirs would enter the world and change everything forever.

But actually seeing him was so much harder than she could have ever prepared herself for.

And she didn't know which part of this whole process was the worst... seeing him so distant, how he'd avoid her at all costs the majority of the time, especially after this morning, or the other side of what happened in the wee hours of this morning with him being so close yet so unbearably far away from her all the same. It was killing her the more she thought about how this really did seem like it was going to end between them all over again, how much it seemed he had prepared for this new life without her.

In fact, that was where he'd taken off to... this new house of his to go check something out. She wasn't sure if he really needed to or if he was just trying to get away from her after their little sit down with Lindsey though.

She couldn't blame him if it was the latter.

OoOoO

"Could you just please remember for a moment that you don't actually hate me?" Buffy finally found the courage to say something to Lindsey after about a half hour had passed with nothing but tense silence around them.

His fingertips had stilled over the keyboard just as she began to speak and once her question had finished he let them fall completely to the side. "Of course I don't hate you, Buffy," he answered in an even tone. "That doesn't mean that I like you very much right now either, though. Or that I'm not mad at you. Or a million other things."

She'd been telling herself that fixing things with Lindsey could wait but she had to admit his endless glares and the anger rolling off of him in droves was getting to her. "How has he been... I mean... really?"

Lindsey looked more annoyed. "Not great," he ground out.

"Linds..."

"What do you want me to say, Buffy?" he asked, closing the laptop in his lap and setting it to the side. "Is it going to make you somehow feel better to hear all about how you managed to destroy him all over again? Does it matter? Do you fucking care anyway?"

"I didn't know, Lindsey."

"You didn't know what?"

"I didn't know what happened! I opened the door and there they were!"

"And no one is upset over that, Buffy... every single person on this planet can fucking understand why you were shocked, hurt, angry and everything else in that moment. You should have been. Everyone else is angry over what was happening, what you happened to walk in on. That's not where the problem is though, Buffy. It's in that simple fact that you went straight to believing that he was behind it in some way. It's the fact that your brain went 'Oh shit, Angel's cheating on me.' That's the problem. No one can fault you for being upset, I damn well will fault you however for letting it go on in your head that after all you have been through, after everything that damn woman has put you through, with knowing how fucking in love his stupid ass is with you that you couldn't see past what was on the surface. That's what pisses me off."

"I didn't know what to think at the time. I just... I needed some space and some time to process it all. Even after learning about everything else..."

Lindsey sighed. "And you know what? I can even understand that and I can respect that. Something major happened, there's not some switch to erase those memories out of your head no matter what you found out after the damn fact. But he knew that, too. And I think he knew better than anyone that those weren't ever going away for you. He couldn't stay in that fucking house, Buffy. Those memories were haunting him too much in those walls, he couldn't breathe. And if you were there... if he stayed... neither of you could have dealt with it. Every single time either one of you looked at each other that was going to be all either one of you would have seen for god knows how long. Even now and probably for the rest of your lives it'll be there. Maybe you'll be fine... but then it'll pop in your head, maybe a glimpse of him sleeping a certain way or hell maybe you two tried to make up with one another and suddenly you just see Darla in your fucking mind or who the fuck knows. And I got him the fuck out of there before you looking at him and only seeing what happened made him fall into some hole he couldn't get the hell out of again. Sunnydale was always your home, those are your friends who already turned on him once before, you and him had already spent months on end fighting and tearing each other down before a split before... It was a lot of damage control. It was getting ahead of things and getting as much shit settled before it got worse. And I didn't even have to push that damn hard for any of it because he knew he couldn't do all of that again either."

She wished so badly that she could sit here and tell him that he was wrong, or even lash out and go tell him to go fuck himself, but she couldn't… because he was right, about everything. Angel deserved so much better than how she had treated him regarding Darla, she knew that. When he needed her most she had basically abandoned him, and despite the extenuating circumstances, he deserved so much more than that. She promised him all those months ago, before they were pregnant, before they were married even that she was past that, past Darla, over all of her insecurities, that she would always believe in him above everything and anyone else… and when it really counted she'd failed him, on every level.

"I would never intentionally hurt him, Linds."

She'd never fucking looked more defeated as he sat there watching as she tried to wipe at the tears falling from her eyes. He had no doubt that she loved him, but unfortunately sometimes that just wasn't enough, no matter how badly they wanted it to be. "I know Buffy," he told her, his eyes softening, hating that she was right back here again too.

"I love him so fucking much, and I know you probably thought my intentions coming out here were misguided… but I had to see him Lindsey. I had to see him to know that we were really over, he seems to really be building something for himself here, something real, and I just want him to be happy again. I want him to get to see his daughter be born... but I can't do this. I can't be here and watch him build this brand new life without me in it, and yes I know my logic is flawed, and I should have probably let one of you know I was coming but you know as well as I do that if I had… then he would have missed this and regretted it forever."

"Ya, I know," he whispered calmly. Of all the things he had expected to come out of her mouth, it certainly hadn't been that. Maybe he had been a little harsh regarding everything he'd told Angel about how he should expect her to use that baby against him.

Sighing, he was glad that she wasn't planning on dragging Angel back down but his heart cracked a little to know that she was on the same page… that this was indeed the real end. Standing from his seat, he walked across his living room to sit next to her, pulling her into his arms. He held her for a couple minutes as she just lost control, sobbing against his chest. He hated this for her just as much as he hated it for Angel, but at this point it was just so far out of his hands.

"Look, stay in my room tonight. You can't just up and leave, you're going to have to talk to him. Tell him, hell I don't know… give him the cliff notes of what you just told me. Just tell him this is too much and you're going to go stay in a hotel closer to the hospital, I'll back you. Then once the little one is here we can go from there, but for now let's just take this one step at a time… I'm pretty sure that's all any of us could handle right now anyhow."

OoOoO

They had both stayed on the couch, each staring off into space, both lost in their own thoughts, until they heard the familiar crunch of gravel outside. Apparently she looked just as bad as she felt, because Lindsey had immediately helped her to her feet, ushering her towards the shower before Angel could make it in the door. Kissing her forehead he promised that she was going to get through this as he pulled some fresh towels out from under the cabinet, setting them on the counter before stepping out and gently closing the door behind him.

Looking at herself in the mirror, she was thankful he'd brought her in here. Though knowing Angel would have taken one look at her and panicked, made her feel even guiltier about everything. Turning on the water, she waited until the temperature had warmed before stripping her clothes, and stepping under the hot spray. Thankfully Lindsey was basically a girl in the hair department, his selection of shampoo and conditioner rivaled hers anyday, so that was one thing she didn't have to worry about.

She stood in the shower until her fingers began to prune, she had even shaved, well the best she was able to at least in order to waste more time in her attempt to postpone the inevitable. Wrapping one of the towels around her as best she could, she used the other to dry some of the moisture from her hair, before easily tying it into a bun, her go to style as of late.

The shower helped some, but she still felt hollow, like there was some black whole inside of her that was slowly swallowing everything up. Realizing she hadn't grabbed any clothes, she weighed her options, knowing there was absolutely no way in hell she was stepping out there like this. Not when her bag was in Angel's room, and she had no idea where he was at the moment.

"Lindseyyy," she yelled through the crack in the door.

OoOoO

He just needed to get the hell out of that house for a little while, he knew running out was shitty but after this morning, after waking up with her in his arms, he just needed a little bit of time to regroup. He hadn't actually even went to the house, well he had but he hadn't met anyone there or gone inside. Instead he'd simply sat in his car at the end of the driveway and tried to imagine it all as home.

Honestly by the time he'd left he wasn't sure if he was any better off than when he got there, but he was anxious to get back. Regardless of their situation, he knew things between Buffy and Lindsey were also strained, and those two had a bad habit of blowing up on one another… something that none of them needed right now.

Not having the mental capacity to deal with dinner on top of everything else, he stopped at the local pizza palace on his way back to Lindsey's. He was so fucking tired of pizza, he and Lindsey had basically lived off the shit for the first week he was here, but small town meant limited options.

When he'd first stepped into the house, the first thing he'd seen was Lindsey coming out of the bathroom. Raising an eyebrow, Lindsey had just shrugged and told him that he was just grabbing some fresh towels for Buffy and showing her how the faucet worked… he was fairly certain she could figure out how to work a shower on her own, but he just let it go, not having enough left in him to care about something so trivial. Besides at this point, as long as they weren't attacking each other he'd take it. Tensions had been high all day, and honestly he didn't know how much he could take before everyone was just going to wind up standing around screaming at each other. And there was no way that was going to help anything, or be good for the baby.

Taking a seat, he started to question Lindsey how things had actually gone while he was away. He had to admit he was just thankful the house was still standing. Linds had just shrugged and told him they'd glared back and forth from their respective spots he'd left them in and finally they did talk a little and found out they agreed on more than he'd been expecting.

"I think she has some shit to talk to you about later."

"That's what I'm afraid of," Angel muttered.

He knew they needed to sit down at some point but he dreaded it with all he had. It had been so much easier to deal with almost everything with her being halfway across the country rather than right there in front of him.

It was easier to stone himself up, tell him it was for the best and just focus on what he could in fact control without having to actually face her.

OoOoO

After Lindsey had finally brought her bag, actually her bag and the hospital bag at the same time because he claimed he didn't want to peek at her things despite the fact she had very much explained to his dumb ass which was which, she took her sweet time completely drying off, fixing her hair, and getting dressed.

Lindsey had told her after their little talk he would make sure they'd have some privacy to discuss whatever they needed to and she almost wished for him to be lurking around the corner ready to pop in at any time and possibly save her from some of what she needed to go over with Angel. Practicing what she needed to get out as she finished getting ready, she thought about how he wasn't going to take kindly to her going to go to a hotel come tomorrow and how hard discussing the divorce and plans for after the baby was going to be and how she needed to keep it together once they got there.

She prayed that once all was said and done though, maybe, just maybe, she could start healing, too.

OoOoO

Despite the fact that just mere hours prior he had told her with as clear a voice as he could manage that yes, he wanted the divorce and brushed on the major points as to why he believed it was the best option available to them at this point, he still felt his heart drop at the sight of the papers resting now neatly on top of his pillows.

Angel felt like he was having an out of body experience as he walked the length of the room to them, his hand shaking slightly as he reached down and began flipping through them until he found what in his heart he truly dreaded seeing ever again in this lifetime. Buffy had signed and dated everything today, the divorce papers, the parenting plan had the first few months for after their daughter was born worked out for the most part, she had written out what she agreed to and what she wished to discuss at a later time... and he found himself starting to hyperventilate before he even got through half of it.

Every single reason he'd had for leaving Sunnydale behind, for going ahead and filing for the divorce, for doing his best to come to terms with the fact their marriage had to be over, every reason he'd had for deciding to settle down here... it was all valid and he knew that in his bones.

He believed everything he had been saying to Lindsey for over the past month, everything he'd said to Willow the very brief time they had spoken weeks back, everything he'd told Buffy earlier this evening when she and Lindsey ganged up on him to say she wasn't going to stay here after all and then they'd been left alone to discuss everything he'd been trying to avoid was true.

It broke his heart, he wanted to wish it was any other way, but he believed in those words.

And yet, the sight of her name in that black ink on those pages made him second guess every single bit of it all at once.

ButImBroken:

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