WMDs Discovered. Fight For Control Begins.
By Jeremy Cochran
Just recently, a very deadly weapon was discovered. This weapon is something that is not hard to come by and could possibly even be found in your own backyard.
So what is it? Some sharp sticks? Contaminated water?
The answer is, believe it or not, Cuccos.
Everybody in Hyrule should know what a Cucco is. All toddlers who have ever stepped inside a classroom learn that these bird-like creatures are the counterpart to a bird called a "chicken" in several other places of the world. Until recently, Cuccos and these "chickens" were known to have no differences in their character. That is, until Mr. Joseph Reynolds discovered a deadly secret about these normally timid birds.
Reynolds, a poultry expert, raises Cuccos on his farm and sells them to marketplaces all throughout the land of Hyrule. As Reynolds was loading the birds onto the back of a truck to be shipped, one of them escaped and began to run about frantically. Reynolds immediately gave chase and jumped on top of the bird, pinning it to the ground.
Evidently, the Cucco did not like being handled in this way and immediately began screeching. Reynolds assumed nothing of this, until he noticed that all of the birds already loaded onto the truck began to act as wildly as the Cucco he had pinned. Reynolds watched in awe as the Cuccos began pecking at the locks on their cages, many of them succeeding in breaking them off. The birds that escaped then proceeded to ambush Reynolds, who was rushed to the hospital suffering severe hemorrhage and a slight concussion.
The event that happened that afternoon shocked the populace of Hyrule in such a way that the whole country knew about the event just from word of mouth, the only other source of news besides The Times. The news apparently reached many scientists, who immediately began researching what may have caused the incident to have occurred.
After several days of testing the now "malicious" birds, scientists came to a conclusion that, when provoked, a Cucco will call on local comrades to maliciously maul and possibly kill anybody or anything in their path.
"Mr. Reynolds is very lucky to have survived," said one of the scientists involved in this experiment.
Evidently, the results of the experiment reached several world leaders. This includes King Zora, the king of Zora's Domain, Darunia, the leader of the Goron tribe that makes up Goron City, and our own Princess Zelda.
The three world leaders met at Hyrule Castle at seven o'clock in the evening. After much discussion, the leaders agreed that it was very important to harness the power of the Cuccos to keep them from getting into the wrong hands.
With this decision in mind, the three composed the Anti-Cucco Treaty, a document that prohibits the use of Cuccos as weapons during times of war. Though all three signed their names at the bottom of the document, there was still some fear in their hearts.
"Though we now know that no one will use the Cuccos as weapons during war, there is still a possibility that they could be used for terrorist attacks," Darunia told our reporters. "The idea of someone using them for radical means makes complete sense."
Though the number of large radical groups in Hyrule is rare, there is definitely one large group that, if using Cuccos, could bring mass destruction to the land of Hyrule: the Garadites of the Gerudo race.
"Garadicism is a religion commonly associated with multiple tribes of the Gerudo Valley," said the princess Zelda. "In its doctrines, it states that terrorism is the only way of life that pleases their god. This is why there are so many suicide bombers in that particular area."
Though with this information, Princess Zelda is convinced that the Garadites will not be using the force of Cuccos anytime soon.
"There have been no reported Cuccos in the Gerudo Valley region," she calmly stated. "In other words, the chances of a Cucco attack by terrorist means is highly improbable. Otherwise, yes, we are indeed royally screwed."
Copyright March Hylian Times